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1
00:00:00,401 --> 00:00:02,335
Even the ice cream has fish bones in it.
2
00:00:02,337 --> 00:00:03,936
I 'unno. I dig it.
3
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:08,140
Welp, gotta go.
Got a date with the library.
4
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,743
Gotta get my read on!
5
00:00:10,745 --> 00:00:12,878
We believe you, honey.
6
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,479
Peace!
7
00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:18,684
There's no wayyyy Mom's reading
at the library every night.
8
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,085
She won't even go to a restaurant
9
00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:21,887
if it doesn't have a picture menu.
10
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:24,223
Of course she's not
actually at the library!
11
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:26,025
She knows I could never
smooch a bookworm,
12
00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:27,226
let alone do it with one.
13
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:29,362
I got twenty says Mom's
actually been sneaking
14
00:00:29,364 --> 00:00:32,231
her pet orangutan into the zoo
after hours so it can get laid.
15
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,499
Well, this, of course,
hinges on my other long-standing theory
16
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:36,435
that Mom has a secret pet orangutan.
17
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:39,572
Ben Frank says she's sneakin'
off to be a Patch Adams.
18
00:00:39,574 --> 00:00:42,641
Going to hospitals and goofing
off to get those uptight doctors
19
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,377
to stop taking themselves so seriously.
20
00:00:44,379 --> 00:00:48,113
Guys, I need to get
something off my chest.
21
00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:51,917
I'm... struggling with depression.
22
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,386
I'm in the darkest
place I've ever been...
23
00:00:53,388 --> 00:00:57,322
Ooh, ooh! I have a fiver says
Francine is carrying buckets.
24
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:58,991
Maybe down a road...
25
00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:02,461
or at a... bucket... factory.
26
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,463
Super interesting.
27
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:06,065
But didn't you have the CIA
28
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,000
put a tracking device on Mom's car?
29
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:09,869
That's so I can know where
your mom is at all times
30
00:01:09,871 --> 00:01:11,336
so I can control her.
31
00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:14,006
But I don't want to use it for other,
twisted reasons.
32
00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:16,275
But isn't this wanting to know
33
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:17,810
where she is so you can control her?
34
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:20,613
No, no, it's not. Oh, wait! Yeah, it is!
35
00:01:20,615 --> 00:01:22,882
- [PHONE CLICKING]
- [GASPS]
36
00:01:22,884 --> 00:01:27,019
The tracker confirms
Francine's at the... library!
37
00:01:27,021 --> 00:01:31,190
[SUSPENSEFUL CHORD STRIKES]
38
00:01:33,895 --> 00:01:36,033
- Hi, Jolene.
- Hey, Francine!
39
00:01:36,068 --> 00:01:37,896
Oh, I put some new reading materials
40
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:39,532
in the restroom for you.
41
00:01:40,235 --> 00:01:41,434
[FART SQUEAKS]
42
00:01:41,436 --> 00:01:43,502
- Did you say something?
- I said...
43
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,071
[SQUEAKING] thanks!
44
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,908
♪♪
45
00:01:48,910 --> 00:01:51,510
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
46
00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:54,980
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
47
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:57,983
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
48
00:01:57,985 --> 00:02:02,421
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
49
00:02:03,925 --> 00:02:07,392
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
50
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:09,995
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
51
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:10,997
Aah!
52
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:15,601
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
53
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:17,803
♪♪
54
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:21,607
I can't believe this!
Francine's a bookworm!
55
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:25,210
We're not a family of nerds!
We're a family of jocks!
56
00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:27,946
Except for... Steve.
57
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,081
You did this!
58
00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:30,483
Look! He's got glasses, Stan!
59
00:02:30,485 --> 00:02:32,151
Knock 'em off! Knock 'em off!
60
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:35,488
Mom's the one at the library! I like TV!
61
00:02:35,490 --> 00:02:37,422
T-That's what the glasses are for!
62
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:40,225
Oh, Francine!
This isn't how it's supposed to be!
63
00:02:40,227 --> 00:02:41,694
We were going to grow old together!
64
00:02:41,696 --> 00:02:43,496
And then I would be the first to die,
65
00:02:43,498 --> 00:02:47,166
she would mourn me for 17
months and start dating Jackson.
66
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,634
That was the plan!
Did she forget the plan?!
67
00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:52,371
We can't do the plan
if she's a bookworm!
68
00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:55,508
I gotta go down to that library!
69
00:02:55,510 --> 00:02:57,910
KLAUS: Goodbye, cruel world.
70
00:02:59,714 --> 00:03:02,348
I just tried to drown myself.
71
00:03:03,918 --> 00:03:05,384
[SNIFFS]
72
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:08,854
Smell like Totino pizza roll.
73
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,756
This Steve turd.
74
00:03:13,528 --> 00:03:15,728
Rogu, we have a pool.
75
00:03:15,730 --> 00:03:19,332
Rogu collect doo-doo data.
76
00:03:19,334 --> 00:03:21,800
As a parent, I'm mad,
but as a scientist,
77
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,802
my instinct is to encourage this.
78
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:27,340
Rogu missing one doody, though.
79
00:03:27,342 --> 00:03:29,875
Francine.
80
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,324
Really? Francine's super regular.
81
00:03:32,359 --> 00:03:35,014
She always used to poop
right after dinner.
82
00:03:35,016 --> 00:03:38,017
Francine's not going to
the library to read words!
83
00:03:38,019 --> 00:03:40,085
She's going there to leave turds!
84
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,286
But why?
85
00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:42,355
Who cares?
86
00:03:42,357 --> 00:03:45,558
I know someone who
would care quite a bit.
87
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,695
Sherlock Groans, poop detective!
88
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,697
I gotta get to the library
89
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,432
to solve the case of
the displaced doo-doo.
90
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:56,702
Otherwise my nemesis Nancy
Poo might beat me to it
91
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:58,904
or, worse, the Farty Boys.
92
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:01,240
So you can see how serious
this is, Rogu.
93
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:05,578
Yes. Time is of the ass-scents.
94
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:08,247
Ah. Good one! Daddy's proud.
95
00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:11,150
But not too much.
I'm kind of the star here.
96
00:04:12,954 --> 00:04:15,287
♪♪
97
00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:17,056
- ROGER: Ah-ha!
- Aah!
98
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,158
What are you doing?!
99
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:20,426
What are you doing?
100
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,294
Sorry. I-I-I know what you're doing.
101
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:25,097
But... But why? But also, hi!
102
00:04:26,003 --> 00:04:28,434
Please tell me my wife
isn't really here!
103
00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:29,635
Hm, what does she look like?
104
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,036
She's got the hair.
105
00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:33,238
Uh, couple little feet.
106
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,325
- Does she have the boobs?
- Yes!
107
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,506
[CHUCKLING] Ohh! Francine!
108
00:04:37,541 --> 00:04:38,642
She's in the bathroom.
109
00:04:38,677 --> 00:04:42,314
Thank God!
Maybe I can stop her before she reads.
110
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:44,784
Mystery fans everywhere need to know.
111
00:04:44,786 --> 00:04:47,653
Why are you coming to the
library to do your business?
112
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:49,855
- I don't want to talk about it!
- Come on!
113
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,992
I got dressed up in my Sherlock
Groans outfit and everything!
114
00:04:52,994 --> 00:04:55,261
- It's embarrassing.
- Uh, which part? The hat?
115
00:04:55,263 --> 00:04:57,263
Or, like,
this little cape on my shoulders?
116
00:04:57,265 --> 00:04:58,798
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- STAN: Francine!
117
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,800
- Are you in there?
- Is that Stan?
118
00:05:00,802 --> 00:05:04,658
Yeah, he's on some jock mission
to not let you read like a nerd.
119
00:05:04,693 --> 00:05:08,740
Francine, we need to talk
about how you're... a reader.
120
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:11,677
- Told ya.
- Stan can't know I come here to poop!
121
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,879
Maybe... hide me in the toilet?
122
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:16,282
Are you kidding?
That's the first place he'll look!
123
00:05:16,284 --> 00:05:18,350
Remember?
That's the first place I looked.
124
00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,286
Damn it, Francine!
I'm slowly building up
125
00:05:20,288 --> 00:05:22,287
the courage to enter the women's room!
126
00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:23,623
You gotta hide me!
127
00:05:23,625 --> 00:05:25,891
I could use my alien powers
128
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,759
to place us in one of these stories.
129
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,961
- You can do that?!
- You know it!
130
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,031
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- But I've never done it before,
131
00:05:32,033 --> 00:05:33,432
so it could be highly risky.
132
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:36,368
It could also be smooth sailing.
Lots of variables here.
133
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:38,370
I'm a poop detective,
not a book scientist.
134
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,905
Roger, put me in the damn book!
135
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:42,107
How 'bout we take a trip
to the ballroom?
136
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:44,443
That sounds fun.
137
00:05:45,085 --> 00:05:46,145
Francine?
138
00:05:48,049 --> 00:05:49,448
[ECHOING] Francine!
139
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:50,716
[ECHOING] Francine!
140
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,752
Did I say that out loud?
141
00:05:53,655 --> 00:05:55,321
Where the hell did she go?
142
00:05:55,323 --> 00:05:58,191
- ♪♪
- _
143
00:05:58,192 --> 00:05:59,391
[WHOOSH]
144
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,993
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
145
00:06:00,995 --> 00:06:02,662
[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]
146
00:06:02,664 --> 00:06:07,066
Oh, my God! It worked!
[CHUCKLES] We escaped!
147
00:06:07,068 --> 00:06:09,601
Oh, this kind of ballroom.
148
00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:13,272
Someone stole this poor woman's clothes!
149
00:06:13,274 --> 00:06:15,140
I can see her ankles!
150
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,808
Perhaps she's a prostitute.
151
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,344
I'm not a prostitute!
152
00:06:18,346 --> 00:06:21,280
For the right amount of money,
anyone's a prostitute.
153
00:06:21,282 --> 00:06:23,415
That's, like, Being Alive 101.
154
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:27,953
She's so exotic! She must be Italian!
155
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:30,422
That's correctamundo.
156
00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:32,424
A-Lisa Lampanelli.
157
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,560
Ooh! Please! Sing us a song!
158
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:37,363
Italy has the most wonderful music.
159
00:06:37,365 --> 00:06:38,964
Follow my lead.
160
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:41,300
♪ When the moon ♪
161
00:06:41,302 --> 00:06:43,235
- ♪ Hits your eye ♪
- ♪ Hits your eye ♪
162
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:45,971
- ♪ Like a big pizza pie ♪
- ♪ He's a big pizza guy... pie! ♪
163
00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:48,974
- ♪ That's amore! ♪
- ♪ Tuesdays with Morrie! ♪
164
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,043
[APPLAUSE]
165
00:06:53,314 --> 00:06:55,314
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
166
00:06:55,316 --> 00:06:57,382
♪♪
167
00:06:57,384 --> 00:07:00,653
So... I guess we just hang out in
"Pride and Prejudice"
168
00:07:00,655 --> 00:07:03,522
until Stan gives up and stops
searching the library for me?
169
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:05,591
Yeah, about that...
Since I helped you escape,
170
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:08,393
you gotta tell me why
you poop at the library.
171
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:09,728
[SIGHS]
172
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,264
It's because of what happened
173
00:07:11,266 --> 00:07:14,066
two years ago on our flight to Maui.
174
00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:18,137
I had the barbacoa tacos from
Taco King before takeoff,
175
00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:20,806
and it ripped through me at 10,000 feet.
176
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:24,543
I was locked in the
lavatory for a solid hour.
177
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:27,346
Fortunately,
Stan was watching "Son of the Mask,"
178
00:07:27,348 --> 00:07:29,148
so he didn't notice I was gone.
179
00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:31,637
Okay, so you had diarrhea on a plane.
180
00:07:31,672 --> 00:07:33,085
I don't understand the embarrassment.
181
00:07:33,087 --> 00:07:35,020
My mom always told me
182
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,422
to preserve some mystery in marriage.
183
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:40,493
Your mom who shaves her
bikini line at the hotel pool?
184
00:07:40,495 --> 00:07:42,161
Just let me say...
185
00:07:42,163 --> 00:07:46,365
not all plane accidents involve a crash.
186
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:50,635
After I dropped that stink bomb,
it was bad.
187
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,839
It was "emergency land the plane
188
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,709
because it stinks so bad" bad.
189
00:07:56,711 --> 00:07:58,511
- No!
- In Omaha.
190
00:07:58,513 --> 00:08:00,112
- No!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
191
00:08:00,114 --> 00:08:02,982
I've never seen Stan so upset.
192
00:08:02,984 --> 00:08:04,850
He swore he wouldn't rest
193
00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:07,320
until he found out who was responsible.
194
00:08:07,322 --> 00:08:10,055
I've been so afraid that
he'd find out it was me,
195
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:12,858
I've just been avoiding
our bathroom altogether.
196
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,727
I smashed my champagne flute for drama,
197
00:08:14,729 --> 00:08:16,395
but I'm having regrets.
198
00:08:16,397 --> 00:08:17,596
Are you listening to me?
199
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,532
I can listen and miss my champagne
200
00:08:19,534 --> 00:08:21,200
at the same time, Francine.
201
00:08:21,202 --> 00:08:24,469
Ahem! I'm not sure how
people do things in Italy,
202
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:28,541
but here in England,
we don't discuss diarrhea.
203
00:08:28,543 --> 00:08:30,475
- [SMACK!]
- Don't say that word!
204
00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:33,346
They said it! I was just repeating it!
205
00:08:33,348 --> 00:08:34,680
This is an outrage!
206
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,682
I was falling in love with Miss Bennett!
207
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:39,952
Oh, Darcy! My heart overflows!
208
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,954
But now that I've heard discussions,
209
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:45,224
here in England, of Italian diarrhea,
210
00:08:45,226 --> 00:08:49,562
I've been tempted by the lures
of obscene foreign delights.
211
00:08:49,564 --> 00:08:51,096
Off to Italy!
212
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:54,099
Wow. First,
he thinks I don't have enough money.
213
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,835
And now I don't have enough diarrhea?
214
00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:58,971
What do men even want?
215
00:08:58,973 --> 00:09:02,041
These two ruined everything!
216
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:04,243
- Kill the Italians!
- [SHING!]
217
00:09:04,245 --> 00:09:06,178
[PARTYGOERS SHOUTING]
218
00:09:06,180 --> 00:09:08,047
♪♪
219
00:09:08,049 --> 00:09:11,116
Where'd they go?
Why aren't they following us?
220
00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:12,385
I took us into a new book,
221
00:09:12,387 --> 00:09:14,053
whatever was under
"Pride and Prejudice."
222
00:09:14,055 --> 00:09:17,122
The books have to be touching
for me to take us into them.
223
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,059
Looks like we're in a "Dr. Seuss."
224
00:09:20,061 --> 00:09:21,594
Is that a Lorax?
225
00:09:21,596 --> 00:09:23,128
I do beg your pardon,
226
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:25,931
but you appear to be
trespassing in my study.
227
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:29,134
Ohh! Sherlock Holmes!
Roger, that's, like, your thing.
228
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,336
Sherlock Groans, at your service.
229
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:34,273
Sherlock Holmes, at your service.
230
00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:35,474
And me?
231
00:09:35,476 --> 00:09:37,743
Still good ol' Francine!
232
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,344
[DING!]
233
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,080
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
234
00:09:41,082 --> 00:09:43,482
Damn it! Francine's not a nerd.
235
00:09:43,484 --> 00:09:45,684
How could she like... Jane Austen?
236
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:49,021
Maybe if it was Jane Austen Powers,
bay-bee,
237
00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:50,756
then I'd get the appeal.
238
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:52,691
I wish I could get rid
of all these dumb things.
239
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,493
I think I can help you.
240
00:09:54,495 --> 00:09:56,161
But you're a librarian.
241
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,963
Aren't books, like, your thing?
242
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,564
Oh, I like books.
243
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:00,833
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
244
00:10:00,835 --> 00:10:04,303
[HUSHED] But I'm married to the flame.
245
00:10:04,305 --> 00:10:06,571
♪♪
246
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:09,508
So, you've gotta tell me...
what's with the little cape?
247
00:10:09,510 --> 00:10:10,709
You're not a superhero.
248
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:12,911
You're right! It's ridiculous!
249
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:16,982
Why I wear it is the only
mystery I could never solve.
250
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,718
Would you two shut up?!
Roger, take us home!
251
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,053
That'd be great, wouldn't it, Francine?
252
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:22,387
If we could just go back?
253
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:24,256
Are you saying we can't go back?!
254
00:10:24,258 --> 00:10:26,058
Maybe. I just don't know how.
255
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,060
I told you. This is my first time.
256
00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:31,130
Holmes! Holmes! The library's on fire!
257
00:10:31,132 --> 00:10:33,266
Check it out. It's Dr. Watson.
258
00:10:33,268 --> 00:10:35,268
Two Sherlocks?
259
00:10:35,270 --> 00:10:37,803
How do I know which one to shoot?
260
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:40,339
- Why do you need to shoot either of us?
- Him! Him!
261
00:10:40,341 --> 00:10:42,341
- [GUNSHOT]
- [GROANS]
262
00:10:42,343 --> 00:10:44,810
Hey! I'm Sherlock Groans.
263
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,345
♪♪
264
00:10:46,347 --> 00:10:49,682
FRANCINE: "Pride and Prejudice:
A Diarrhea Adventure"?
265
00:10:49,684 --> 00:10:52,084
Roger! I think we changed the book!
266
00:10:52,086 --> 00:10:55,288
It sounds like we made it
absolutely hilarious, frankly.
267
00:10:55,290 --> 00:10:57,823
But stop wasting time! There's a fire!
268
00:10:57,825 --> 00:11:00,759
- [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
- Is this "Alice in Wonderland"?
269
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:03,829
Ooh! I've always wondered
what he's smoking.
270
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,364
[INHALES DEEPLY]
271
00:11:05,366 --> 00:11:07,099
[COUGHING]
272
00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:09,402
[STRAINING] It's actually
pretty weak shit.
273
00:11:10,905 --> 00:11:14,773
[ALL SCREAMING]
274
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:17,643
Whoa! Maybe
this is stronger than I thought.
275
00:11:17,645 --> 00:11:19,111
No, that really happened.
276
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:20,645
Come on!
277
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:23,316
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
278
00:11:24,281 --> 00:11:25,718
The Yellow Brick Road?
279
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,320
We must be in "The Wizard of Oz."
280
00:11:27,322 --> 00:11:28,988
[SCARECROW AND TIN MAN SCREAMING]
281
00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:30,856
Oh, no! Oh, no, oh, no!
282
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:31,991
[WHOOSH]
283
00:11:31,993 --> 00:11:34,527
[TIN MAN WHIMPERING]
284
00:11:34,529 --> 00:11:37,330
Weird. There's a fire
in all these books.
285
00:11:37,332 --> 00:11:39,798
Oh, no. I know what's happening.
286
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:43,002
The librarian is a
recovering pyromaniac!
287
00:11:43,004 --> 00:11:47,072
She just got her 20-year chip
and congratulatory lighter!
288
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:49,274
And now she's gonna burn us to death!
289
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:50,743
Roger, let's go!
290
00:11:50,745 --> 00:11:52,678
Of course, in the book,
the magic slippers
291
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,880
are silver, not ruby.
That was just in the movie.
292
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:58,483
In fact, Judy Garland has said
it was the ruby slippers alone
293
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,485
that launched her career as Judge Judy!
294
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:03,822
We don't have time for... Ooh!
Those look good on you!
295
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,424
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
- Work it, girl!
296
00:12:05,426 --> 00:12:08,827
Oh, yeah! Now run, girl!
297
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,364
♪♪
298
00:12:12,633 --> 00:12:15,634
Stan Smith! I knew I recognized you.
299
00:12:15,636 --> 00:12:18,671
You had that book signing
here a couple months ago.
300
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:24,577
Book signings happen
at book stores. Dumbass.
301
00:12:24,579 --> 00:12:27,112
Hmm. Was my failure as an author
302
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:28,781
why I turned against reading?
303
00:12:28,783 --> 00:12:30,049
Guess I'll never know.
304
00:12:30,051 --> 00:12:32,685
Because I'm destroying all the evidence!
305
00:12:34,923 --> 00:12:36,623
_
306
00:12:36,724 --> 00:12:39,524
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
307
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,394
Oh, thank God! We're home!
308
00:12:41,396 --> 00:12:43,662
It must be because of
the magic slippers!
309
00:12:43,664 --> 00:12:46,999
[LAWN MOWER RUMBLING]
310
00:12:47,001 --> 00:12:49,602
Why does Stan look like a tall,
skinny baby?
311
00:12:49,604 --> 00:12:53,005
Uh-oh. That's how he describes
himself in his memoir.
312
00:12:53,007 --> 00:12:55,608
His memoir?
What do you mean, his "memoir"?
313
00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:57,210
I mean, we're still in a book!
314
00:12:57,212 --> 00:12:59,212
You didn't read your husband's book?
315
00:12:59,214 --> 00:13:01,814
It was self-published. Yuck.
316
00:13:01,816 --> 00:13:05,418
I trust the coastal elites
to tell me what to read.
317
00:13:05,420 --> 00:13:06,752
Hey, look! It's you!
318
00:13:06,754 --> 00:13:08,588
[HORN HONKS]
319
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,292
[SPACE-ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
320
00:13:13,294 --> 00:13:16,829
♪♪
321
00:13:16,831 --> 00:13:18,831
[GUITAR CHORD RESONATES]
322
00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:21,234
And Stan gave you itty
bitty apple fritties.
323
00:13:21,236 --> 00:13:23,902
Does he think I have small boobs?
324
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,171
Or does he want me to have small boobs?
325
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,173
See, those are the kinds of questions
326
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:31,077
great literature provokes. Now run!
327
00:13:33,314 --> 00:13:34,647
[LAWN MOWER RUMBLING]
328
00:13:35,783 --> 00:13:37,316
We're trapped!
329
00:13:37,318 --> 00:13:40,453
If we die in Stan's memoir,
do we die in real life?!
330
00:13:40,455 --> 00:13:42,855
Well, I think I'll be fine.
I don't know about you.
331
00:13:42,857 --> 00:13:45,257
- What do you mean?!
- Because of this!
332
00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:47,392
- [FLAMES RUSH]
- I don't burn!
333
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,061
Being an alien's a hoot!
334
00:13:49,063 --> 00:13:52,064
Why have you been running
from the fire this whole time
335
00:13:52,066 --> 00:13:53,466
if you're gonna survive?!
336
00:13:53,468 --> 00:13:55,600
I was trying to get my 10,000 steps in.
337
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,736
Plus, if my heart rate gets over 90,
338
00:13:57,738 --> 00:13:59,138
I get an extra dessert.
339
00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:01,240
I'm thinking... bananas Foster?
340
00:14:02,877 --> 00:14:05,210
[FLAMES WHOOSH]
341
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:08,013
These are good.
I see why people like these.
342
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,148
[GLASS SHATTERS]
343
00:14:09,150 --> 00:14:11,083
And there's no cleanup!
344
00:14:11,085 --> 00:14:13,418
Seriously? Nothing, Francine?
345
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,754
I'm working my ass off here
so you can meet the devil
346
00:14:15,756 --> 00:14:17,356
with a smile on your face.
347
00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:19,959
[WIND RUSHES]
348
00:14:19,961 --> 00:14:21,827
How the hell did that happen?
349
00:14:21,829 --> 00:14:24,830
[BLOWING] I can't destroy my own work!
350
00:14:24,832 --> 00:14:27,966
I put four hours of my
life into writing it.
351
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,835
We gotta figure out how
to get out of these books!
352
00:14:29,837 --> 00:14:32,637
Yes! So I can find out why Stan gave me
353
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:35,074
those eensy weensy baby boobies!
354
00:14:36,511 --> 00:14:38,311
[JET ENGINES WHIRRING]
355
00:14:38,313 --> 00:14:40,379
Jesus! What is that smell?!
356
00:14:40,381 --> 00:14:42,047
[PASSENGERS COUGHING]
357
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,382
Oh, no! Nooo!
358
00:14:43,384 --> 00:14:45,784
This is the flight when I
took that poisonous dump!
359
00:14:45,786 --> 00:14:47,386
- [PASSENGERS COUGHING]
- Uch!
360
00:14:47,388 --> 00:14:49,922
Did someone burn the hair
off a dead squirrel?!
361
00:14:49,924 --> 00:14:52,525
I don't smell anything. [SNIFFS]
362
00:14:52,527 --> 00:14:56,195
Hey! This awful smell
is ruining the Kind bar
363
00:14:56,197 --> 00:14:58,531
I bought at the airport for $17!
364
00:14:58,533 --> 00:15:02,267
Ugh! The stench
is drifting into first class!
365
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:03,736
Over my dead body!
366
00:15:03,738 --> 00:15:07,840
All coach passengers,
link arms to protect the rich!
367
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,277
PILOT: On behalf of the flight crew,
I apologize
368
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:14,479
for the smell coming from our lavatory.
369
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:17,416
We're gonna have to make an
emergency landing in Omaha.
370
00:15:17,418 --> 00:15:19,685
I know it smells only
slightly better in Omaha,
371
00:15:19,687 --> 00:15:22,688
but they're the only
airport who will accept us.
372
00:15:22,690 --> 00:15:24,357
ANNOUNCER: Omaha!
373
00:15:24,359 --> 00:15:26,158
- [THUD]
- _
374
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,626
STAN: This is unbelievable!
375
00:15:27,628 --> 00:15:29,895
I'm not going to rest until I find out
376
00:15:29,897 --> 00:15:32,365
whose dump destroyed
this plane's bathroom!
377
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:35,568
And if I do somehow rest,
it will be the fitful sleep
378
00:15:35,570 --> 00:15:38,303
of a man who doesn't
know who took said dump.
379
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,638
[PASSENGERS COUGHING]
380
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,308
This is so embarrassing!
How could Stan publish this?!
381
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,244
I wanna go back to the real world!
382
00:15:45,246 --> 00:15:48,781
Maybe we would go back if
Stan couldn't publish this.
383
00:15:48,783 --> 00:15:50,315
What do you mean?
384
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:53,118
I mean, if his memoir didn't exist,
we couldn't be in it.
385
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,921
Right. What keeps a book
from getting published?
386
00:15:55,923 --> 00:15:57,723
Well, they wouldn't publish my book
387
00:15:57,725 --> 00:16:00,325
because it had an unacceptable
amount of bestiality.
388
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,861
Only 14 scenes!
389
00:16:01,863 --> 00:16:05,664
Great! Let's throw a little
bestiality up in this memoir!
390
00:16:05,666 --> 00:16:08,934
That blind guy's German
Shepherd is probably DTF,
391
00:16:08,936 --> 00:16:10,803
so get to it!
392
00:16:10,805 --> 00:16:12,405
[DOG BARKS]
393
00:16:12,407 --> 00:16:13,939
The dog turned me down.
394
00:16:13,941 --> 00:16:16,141
Because it thinks it's better than me!
395
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:19,544
Okay. What else could keep this
memoir from being published?
396
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:23,282
Well, you can't self-publish
on Amazon if it has bestiality,
397
00:16:23,284 --> 00:16:25,134
pedophilia, bomb making...
398
00:16:25,169 --> 00:16:27,217
Bomb making?! Let's do that one!
399
00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:29,288
One hitch...
I don't know how to make a bomb.
400
00:16:29,290 --> 00:16:32,024
I know it's kind of bougie,
but I always buy them pre-made.
401
00:16:32,026 --> 00:16:34,760
Girl, I could make
a pipe bomb in my sleep.
402
00:16:34,762 --> 00:16:36,429
But you don't have any
of the ingredients.
403
00:16:36,431 --> 00:16:38,764
Yeah, but we can rewrite this memoir
404
00:16:38,766 --> 00:16:40,766
like we did "Pride and Prejudice."
405
00:16:40,768 --> 00:16:43,769
- [PASSENGERS COUGHING]
- _
406
00:16:43,771 --> 00:16:47,106
A gallon of rubber cement,
a half cup of salt,
407
00:16:47,108 --> 00:16:50,175
10 pounds of manure, a steel pipe,
408
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:52,377
and a Barbie leg for a fuse.
409
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:55,380
- Voilà! Pipe bomb.
- You did it!
410
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:56,582
BOTH: Aaaaahhhh!
411
00:16:57,252 --> 00:16:59,184
Hey! There's my rake!
412
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,454
It's actually not.
I-I brought this from home.
413
00:17:01,456 --> 00:17:02,921
What a weird lie.
414
00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:04,056
I'm a weird guy.
415
00:17:04,058 --> 00:17:06,125
Aaaah!
416
00:17:06,127 --> 00:17:08,193
Aw, come on! I just raked that!
417
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,329
Did I actually make it back?
418
00:17:10,331 --> 00:17:12,465
Just in time to ruin my pile.
419
00:17:12,467 --> 00:17:14,399
[SADLY] My precious pile.
420
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:17,136
Stan. I-I have to be honest.
421
00:17:17,138 --> 00:17:20,473
I don't come to the library to read.
422
00:17:20,475 --> 00:17:21,940
I come here to poop.
423
00:17:21,942 --> 00:17:25,410
In the books? Nice! So you are a jock!
424
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,013
No, Stan. In the bathroom.
425
00:17:28,015 --> 00:17:29,548
To hide my real secret.
426
00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:31,484
Aaah! Sorry I'm late.
427
00:17:31,486 --> 00:17:34,019
I jumped into the book "1984" to go back
428
00:17:34,021 --> 00:17:37,089
and get the Daytona Beach
spring break I always wanted.
429
00:17:37,091 --> 00:17:41,160
Suffice it to say,
it was not totally tubular.
430
00:17:41,162 --> 00:17:43,829
♪♪
431
00:17:43,831 --> 00:17:44,963
I don't get it, Francine.
432
00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:48,100
Your secret is you eat
tacos in the bathroom stall?
433
00:17:48,102 --> 00:17:49,434
That's not so bad.
434
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,504
I once went back to get
the half cup of beer
435
00:17:51,506 --> 00:17:53,306
I left on the toilet at Shea Stadium.
436
00:17:53,308 --> 00:17:54,840
Although it was completely untouched
437
00:17:54,842 --> 00:17:57,710
and even more full than before,
it's still a little gross.
438
00:17:57,712 --> 00:18:00,645
FRANCINE: I don't always
eat tacos in the bathroom,
439
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:04,116
but I do always end up in
the bathroom afterwards.
440
00:18:04,118 --> 00:18:05,985
[DOOR HINGES CREAK]
441
00:18:07,121 --> 00:18:08,787
- What?
- Sir, in your story,
442
00:18:08,789 --> 00:18:10,655
I think you were drinking pee-pee!
443
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:13,726
No, little girl.
It was just delicious hot beer!
444
00:18:13,728 --> 00:18:16,661
FRANCINE:
Are you getting a whiff of anything yet?
445
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:17,730
Like what?
446
00:18:17,732 --> 00:18:19,432
[AIR RUSHES]
447
00:18:23,070 --> 00:18:25,070
Oh, God!
448
00:18:25,072 --> 00:18:26,605
- Omaha was you!
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
449
00:18:26,607 --> 00:18:28,874
I know.
450
00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:30,743
How could you hide this from me?
451
00:18:30,745 --> 00:18:32,345
I was raised to think a woman
452
00:18:32,347 --> 00:18:34,813
should keep some
mystery in her marriage.
453
00:18:34,815 --> 00:18:36,215
But I don't want that.
454
00:18:36,217 --> 00:18:38,483
I want to know everything
about you, Francine.
455
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:41,354
You do?! Even the gross stuff?
456
00:18:41,356 --> 00:18:43,356
Yes, especially the gross stuff.
457
00:18:43,358 --> 00:18:45,824
But you seemed so upset on the plane.
458
00:18:45,826 --> 00:18:47,760
Yeah, I was mad
I didn't get to shake hands
459
00:18:47,762 --> 00:18:49,362
with the butt that made that mess!
460
00:18:49,364 --> 00:18:51,830
It was hilarious!
Everyone on the plane was like...
461
00:18:51,832 --> 00:18:54,567
Ugh-ugh-eghh-egh-egh!
462
00:18:54,569 --> 00:18:58,904
Wow! That is a weight off my shoulders.
463
00:18:58,906 --> 00:19:00,173
You know what?
464
00:19:00,175 --> 00:19:02,241
I'm gonna poop at home from now on,
465
00:19:02,243 --> 00:19:04,710
no matter how smelly it is.
466
00:19:04,712 --> 00:19:07,512
I would love nothing more, Francine.
467
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:10,115
Although I don't think you can
ever top your airplane poop.
468
00:19:10,117 --> 00:19:12,051
Nothing will ever be funnier than that.
469
00:19:12,053 --> 00:19:14,653
Is that why you put it in your memoir?
470
00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:15,921
You read my memoir?
471
00:19:15,923 --> 00:19:18,724
Yeah! It really... sucked me in.
472
00:19:18,726 --> 00:19:20,193
That's so sweet of you.
473
00:19:20,195 --> 00:19:22,661
Man, that thing was terrible.
No one would even publish it.
474
00:19:22,663 --> 00:19:26,531
Well, those coastal elites are
out of touch with what's good.
475
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:30,403
But, hey, why'd you write
about me having a flat chest?
476
00:19:30,405 --> 00:19:32,071
What was that all about?
477
00:19:32,073 --> 00:19:34,273
Flat chest? Oh, that must be a typo.
478
00:19:34,275 --> 00:19:36,075
I meant to write "fat chest."
479
00:19:36,077 --> 00:19:38,343
I love them fat sacks, baby!
480
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:39,878
Oh, Stan.
481
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,547
You always know just what to say.
482
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,283
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
483
00:19:46,487 --> 00:19:48,888
I was a little surprised
to find a website
484
00:19:48,890 --> 00:19:51,290
that matched depressed
singles with each other.
485
00:19:51,292 --> 00:19:53,426
But look at you!
486
00:19:53,428 --> 00:19:55,160
Score for Klaus!
487
00:19:55,162 --> 00:19:58,363
You didn't say in your e-Sadness
profile that you're a fish.
488
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,699
Oh, I see the miscommunication here.
489
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:02,034
[CHUCKLES] I was lying.
490
00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:05,037
Yeah, I don't date liars.
491
00:20:05,039 --> 00:20:08,841
Oh, and, by the way, I'm super into sex.
492
00:20:08,843 --> 00:20:11,444
Well, you didn't explicitly say
in your profile
493
00:20:11,446 --> 00:20:12,978
that you weren't a fish!
494
00:20:12,980 --> 00:20:15,380
And you don't see me crying about it!
495
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,916
[SOBBING]
496
00:20:17,918 --> 00:20:20,853
I miss sex!
497
00:20:20,855 --> 00:20:22,655
Bye-bye! See you soon!
498
00:20:24,699 --> 00:20:26,500
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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