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1
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♪♪
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00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:05,269
[ LOUD FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYS]
3
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♪♪
4
00:00:08,875 --> 00:00:11,675
Stan, it's 5:00 a.m.
5
00:00:11,677 --> 00:00:14,212
- [ MUSIC STOPS]
- On opening day of the state fair!
6
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Just 25 measly miles
between me and those gates.
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[ FIDDLE MUSIC RESUMES]
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♪ 25 miles until I get to heeeaven ♪
9
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Ah! [GRUNTS]
10
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♪ 25 miles until I reach the gaaates ♪
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[GAGGING]
12
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[SQUEAKING]
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♪ 25 miles until I get
to the state fair ♪
14
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♪ Where me, ole Stanny-boy ♪
15
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♪ Can plaaaaaay ♪
16
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[ MUSIC STOPS]
17
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Gross. Dad, put a shirt on.
18
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And... [SCOFFS] what's with the denim?
19
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This is my state fair outfit, ya doofus.
20
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It's opening day.
21
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The only day the lumberjacks
are there signing autographs.
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And this year,
I'm getting my poster signed.
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Huh. Weird.
24
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,129
That's how you're spending
your yearly bonding day
25
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- with Jeff?
- Wait. What?
26
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,067
♪ 'Cause my wife wants her dad to see ♪
27
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♪ I'm not worthless ♪
28
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♪ Yes! ♪
29
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♪ It's Stan and Jeff's
bondage daaaaaay! ♪
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No! That can't be today.
31
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Hey, this guy's hot.
32
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When I was little,
I used to play pretend lumberjack.
33
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Play pretend?
34
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Hayley, he's doing it again.
He's being an idiot.
35
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Dad! He looked up that word
the last time you said it,
36
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and he might still know what it means.
37
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Look, I can't have this boy
with me around the L-Jacks.
38
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He's embarrassing.
39
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Well, that was our bet.
40
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You said our marriage
wouldn't last a year.
41
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It was a safe bet.
Half of marriages end in divorce.
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Why can't yours?
43
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So now you have to hang out
with Jeff one day a year.
44
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Fine. Okay. But he's such an...
45
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ignoramus?
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- Sure. Give it a spin.
- Ignoramus!
47
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Ooh! Are we playing dinosaurs?!
48
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- Sure.
- Rawr!
49
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I'm the great and powerful Ignoranus!
50
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♪♪
51
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
52
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♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
53
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♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
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♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
55
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
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- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
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Aah!
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
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♪♪
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The fair has many distractions,
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but we're here for one
thing and one thing only.
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The jackin' zone.
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Oh, maaan! I crinkled it all up!
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I'm a stupid idiot.
65
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Tissue for your tears, sir?
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Is this a paper towel?
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[CHUCKLES] Well. I am a lumberjack.
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Wow! That's quite a jaw you have.
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[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
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Say, have you ever thought
about jackin', my friend?
71
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,919
R-r-r-really?! Like with a big old axe?
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Totally! With an axe, a beard.
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All the lumberjack things.
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We compete in the Langley
woods off route 80.
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We've even got an amateur division,
76
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and there's an opening in doubles.
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You could, uh,
join up with your son here.
78
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:21,933
This guy's not my son.
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[CLICKING]
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This is my son.
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Whoa. Babe alert.
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♪♪
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Thanks for pretending you're my mom
84
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so I can get my ears pierced,
Mrs. Smith.
85
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No problem.
I want my son's friends to look hot.
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00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:41,619
Snot, look!
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00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,155
It's one of those contests!
88
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Whoever keeps their hand on
the truck longest wins it.
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00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,228
Wow. A truck would be a godsend.
90
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,697
My mom has had to pick up
a lot of farm work lately.
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00:03:53,699 --> 00:03:55,433
Winning this truck
could be the difference
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between life and death for us.
93
00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,904
And if we win it, we could park it
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00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,440
on Tuttle's front lawn for a joke!
95
00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:05,076
[STEVE AND FRANCINE LAUGH]
96
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,111
- Oh! Let me in there!
- It's starting!
97
00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,646
- Check it out!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
98
00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:10,982
This kind of contest brings
out the worst in people.
99
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,450
Don't trust anybody.
100
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:14,786
They're just trying to get
your hand off the truck.
101
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Got it.
102
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,856
Oh, to help us pass the time,
why don't you show us
103
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:21,793
your famous Sicilian
grandmother impression, Snot?
104
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,994
[ITALIAN ACCENT] Ah-ha!
105
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,196
Whenaya gonna get a-married-uh?
106
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,864
That kid took his hand off!
107
00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:28,400
Steve! How could you?
108
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,134
Take a hike, rookie.
109
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:32,070
[METAL SCRAPING]
110
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Hop in, Schmuley! We gotta get
this cow to Lancaster county!
111
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:38,076
[DOOR CREAKS, METAL SCRAPING]
112
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♪♪
113
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STAN: Oh, Buckle would be
a great lumberjack partner.
114
00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:46,985
- [BEEP, LINE RINGING]
- BUCKLE: Yello?
115
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,519
Buckle, my man! How'd you like...
116
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:52,190
Ha! You've reached my machine!
117
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- Leave a message!
- [ BEEP]
118
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,393
[CHUCKLES]
119
00:04:55,395 --> 00:04:58,062
Nobody makes me laugh
harder than you, Buckle.
120
00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,730
You're a real dick.
121
00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:01,332
[BEEP]
122
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:04,068
Lewis, I'm looking
for a partner to jack with.
123
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:06,070
Oh, no, no, no. I-I mean lumber jack.
124
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,205
- [ CLICK]
- Hello?
125
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,339
Dick, what's up?
126
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,541
Hooper, my bud. Dooper.
127
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Bullock, sir, I need your help.
Hello, Tuttle.
128
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Ms. Peaches, you may not remember me,
129
00:05:14,747 --> 00:05:17,048
but you taught me art
in elementary school.
130
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:20,218
Huh. Girl Smith?
131
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,820
Probably Hayley or Francine.
132
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,754
- Could be someone else.
- [BEEP]
133
00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:24,823
Hey, Dad.
134
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,224
[SIGHS HEAVILY] Hey, Hayley.
135
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,226
Will you please be my
lumberjack partner?
136
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:30,428
Oh. This is the thing
Jeff was telling me about.
137
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,697
He said he really wanted
to do this with you.
138
00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:34,032
Yeah, anybody but him.
139
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:37,235
Dad, just do it with him.
He might actually be helpful.
140
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:40,638
And if he's not, I will never
make you do bonding day again.
141
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[BEEP]
142
00:05:41,651 --> 00:05:43,374
[SCREAMS]
143
00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:45,309
[GRUNTING] Damn it!
144
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:47,978
Hanging out with Jeff to never
hang out with Jeff again?
145
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,248
It's a gotdang Catch-Jeffy-2!
146
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,050
The world's so sucky!
147
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,652
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
148
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:55,520
[BEEP]
149
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,122
I've considered your offer.
I think it's a fair deal.
150
00:05:58,124 --> 00:05:59,724
You know I can hear you, right?
151
00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,459
We share a wall.
152
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,995
Howdy, partner!
153
00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:06,797
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
154
00:06:06,799 --> 00:06:09,734
Wow. It's amazing how many
people got phone calls
155
00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,802
and suddenly ran off for no reason.
156
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:14,005
Oh, there was a reason.
157
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,407
Ever heard of..."arson"?
158
00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:19,343
You... had their homes burned down?
159
00:06:19,345 --> 00:06:21,279
Well, I don't wanna brag.
160
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,679
Get off my truck! My wife's in labor!
161
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- No late joiners.
- [BREATHING SHARPLY]
162
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The contest already started, buddy.
163
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,487
And ended! That was this morning.
164
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,089
I didn't want a hot hardbody.
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00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,757
That's why I parked in the shade.
166
00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:36,761
What do you think, mom?
She does look pregnant.
167
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:39,430
In labor, my ass!
168
00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:40,899
Put your cervix on the glass!
169
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[BREATHING SHARPLY]
170
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,502
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
Welcome, lumberjacks!
171
00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:47,505
We have a very exciting
doubles heat for you today!
172
00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,640
Next up on the standing block chop,
173
00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:52,777
a team making their amateur debut...
174
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:56,247
Stan Smith and Jeff Fister!
175
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,249
Fister. That's how I signed you up.
176
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,719
'Cause you're worthless,
just like a fist.
177
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,788
Ready positions!
178
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:04,855
[PISTOL FIRES]
179
00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:05,857
[TWANG!]
180
00:07:05,858 --> 00:07:07,325
Oww!
181
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,328
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Look at him go!
182
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,397
Not since Woody Woodpecker himself
183
00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:15,266
have I seen anybody chewin'
up wood like this!
184
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,603
Oh, my God.
This Fister guy is better than me.
185
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,672
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
186
00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:23,808
It's a record!
187
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,143
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
188
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,545
Wow! Fister! That was amazing!
189
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:30,749
Fister's not his name!
That was my hilarious joke!
190
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,618
Plus, I got that log started like 90%.
191
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,087
So, really, you guys
should be impressed by me.
192
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,555
And my Jack hands.
193
00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:39,958
Fellow L-Jacks call 'em "Jack Hands,"
194
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,760
as my friends can attest, Jeff.
195
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:45,196
It's what happens when you
jack so hard and fast, Jeff.
196
00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:48,034
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
As we reach the middle
197
00:07:48,055 --> 00:07:49,836
of the lumberjacking season,
198
00:07:49,915 --> 00:07:52,337
no team has been more fun to watch
199
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,272
than Smith and Fister.
200
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:58,476
Let's see them work their magic
in doubles speed-climbing.
201
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,745
[PISTOL FIRES]
202
00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:02,613
Fister taking charge,
203
00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,816
carrying Smith like a reverse kangaroo!
204
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,485
[BELL CLANGS]
205
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,220
♪♪
206
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,757
I am Smith, vertical wood cheetah!
207
00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:17,228
Oh, you looked so sexy
scaling that tree, babe.
208
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,030
Minus my dad humping your back.
209
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,298
Thanks, babe.
210
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,767
But you know what's really sexy?
211
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:26,037
Finally getting to have some
quality time with your dad.
212
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,505
What are you talking about?
213
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,774
He's using you to look good
in front of the lumberjacks,
214
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:31,642
and he's not giving you any credit.
215
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,778
Jeff, I'm taking the L-Jacks
back to my place
216
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:34,913
for some F-Jacks.
217
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:38,316
That's flapjack,
as any real jack-jock would already know
218
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,518
and not need explained, at the dear cost
219
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,653
of slowing down the
exit of the Jack Pack.
220
00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:44,388
Peace out!
221
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:45,990
That's a real D-Bag move.
222
00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:48,793
Maybe you should think about
ditching my dad and going solo.
223
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,194
I don't know, babe.
224
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,264
I'm so close to him
realizing I'm not worthless.
225
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,400
Of course you're not worthless.
226
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,667
You're my whole world.
227
00:08:57,207 --> 00:08:58,669
Can you find your own ride home?
228
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,406
I'm getting trashed with Danuta
at the Pickle Palace tonight.
229
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,007
She's in a sexual relationship
230
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,208
with some of the bartenders there.
231
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,076
Peace out!
232
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:08,613
Wow. Danuta.
233
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,148
Good for her.
234
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,617
♪♪
235
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,085
How many times must I tell you?
236
00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:17,488
This is not a contest.
This is my life...
237
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,557
Hey, is that breast milk?
Can I get a pull?
238
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,492
If you people get out of my garage,
239
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:24,028
you can have all the
breast milk you want!
240
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:26,164
Puh-lease. When I win this truck,
241
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,100
women will be chucking
breast milk at me.
242
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,636
- [CHEWING]
- STAN: Mm. Oh.
243
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,506
Now, me and Jeff
don't always eat Flappy-Js...
244
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,776
another word for F-Jacks,
Jeff, try to keep up...
245
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,910
with our shirts off,
but I just thought you guys
246
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:43,047
should see how much better
my body is than my partner's.
247
00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:45,249
HAYLEY: [SLURRING] Your partner's?
248
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,118
[CRUNCHING]
249
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,919
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Shyeah right.
250
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,322
Jeff's the only one choppin' and sawin'.
251
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,991
He might as well be on his own.
252
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,725
Psh. Yeah, okay, whatever.
253
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,661
Can you guys believe this nonsense?
254
00:09:57,864 --> 00:09:59,998
[CHEWING]
255
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,400
See? They all know it's true.
256
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:05,203
- Jeff's better off without you.
- That's ridiculous.
257
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,271
And there's no way to know
for sure who's better anyway.
258
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,541
So you'll just have to trust me
and the guys that I'm better.
259
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,076
There's a solo competition.
260
00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:14,145
Bring it on.
261
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,481
I would "bring it on," obviously,
262
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,216
but it's probably not the season.
263
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,818
He's right. It's not the season.
264
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,752
Well, you lucked out this time, Jeff.
265
00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,822
Your embarrassment
will just have to wait.
266
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,457
Season starts Tuesday.
267
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:27,892
[SOFT RUMBLING]
268
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,093
Roger, you gotta help me!
269
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:31,629
- Gooo awayyyy.
- Roger, please.
270
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,232
You gotta teach me everything
you know about solo jacking.
271
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,566
And to be clear, I mean...
272
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,901
Singles competition timber sports.
273
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,837
What else could you mean? But why?
274
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,506
- Ugh. It's a whole thing with Jeff...
- Say no more.
275
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,708
Well, I do want to give
a few more details.
276
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:45,710
Do you remember when we first met Jeff
277
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:47,846
and he was only wearing one flip-flop?
278
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,914
- _
- So, not only was the watermelon seedless...
279
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:51,516
Stop, stop, stop!
280
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:54,653
You wanna look good in front of
those gorgeous-ass lumberjacks.
281
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,320
Just give me a second.
282
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,990
Huge Jeanman-Jackman. Lumberjack coach.
283
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:03,594
Listen, I used to be the
greatest coach of Lumber Jerks
284
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:06,865
in the Pacific Northwest
'til I punched a student in the face.
285
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,800
And then I punched another.
Got a teensy drinking problem.
286
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:11,669
I've punched every single one of 'em.
287
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,805
Gaaah! I wanna sock your ugly mug
so bad, I can taste it!
288
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:17,408
But I respect boundaries.
I'm not your coach.
289
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:20,144
You're hired. Ugh! Unh!
290
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,448
Oops. I shouldn't have done
that before I did this.
291
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,551
[SLURRING] When my hair's a-danglin',
292
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:27,952
I've been a-drinkin'.
293
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:29,554
And now I can do this.
294
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:32,090
- Unh!
- And back to this!
295
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,225
And back and forth! Enh!
296
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,359
Unh! Unh!
297
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,428
Ad infinitum!
298
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,098
Unh! Unh! Unh!
299
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,100
[PUNCHES LANDING]
300
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:46,371
♪♪
301
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,906
[PISTOL FIRES]
302
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:50,040
♪♪
303
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,242
Whoo-ooh!
304
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,778
Hair's a-danglin'!
305
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:56,647
♪♪
306
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,383
[GASPS]
307
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,118
[PISTOL FIRES]
308
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,255
♪♪
309
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,557
[APPLAUSE]
310
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,128
Ugh! I instantly regret
throwing my pickle!
311
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,662
Ah, that's my cue.
312
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,598
Get your replacement pickles here!
313
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,533
Pickles for chuckin' and chewin'!
314
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:18,069
I oughta punch your pickle!
315
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,670
Ooh! Oh, no, you don't.
316
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:22,741
Hoppity-boppity-boppity-boppity-
boppity-boppity-boppity-boppity!
317
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,275
[CLICK]
318
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:25,944
[CHAINSAW BUZZING]
319
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,946
♪♪
320
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,748
[CHAINSAWS BUZZING]
321
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,882
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
Smith and Fister are neck-and-neck
322
00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:34,619
as they saw through their final cookie!
323
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,821
This is gonna be really close!
324
00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:40,425
♪♪
325
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,160
A tie! A tie!
326
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:43,962
Fister and Smith both qualify
327
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:47,565
for the world championship in Alaska!
328
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,434
Roger, your training worked!
329
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,036
Hit me again!
I wanna smoke Jeff in Alaska.
330
00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:55,506
I'm happy to hit you, Stan,
but it's gonna be with the truth.
331
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,041
You'll never win in Alaska.
332
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,909
Of course I will. You saw me out there.
333
00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:02,046
I did. But Alaska?
That's the championships.
334
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,515
They're gonna check to make
sure the wood isn't butter.
335
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,184
How can wood be butter?
336
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,519
I have been replacing all your wood
337
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:11,122
with a simulacrum made
of the product... butter.
338
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:14,725
Butterwood. The trick wood
you've been chopping and sawing.
339
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,395
We've been cheating.
You're a terrible lumberjack!
340
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:18,997
[GROANS]
341
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,665
Aw. Don't be sad.
342
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:23,635
How 'bout a couple of quick
punches to cheer me up?
343
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,205
♪♪
344
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:31,743
[FABRIC SWISHING]
345
00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:33,477
Gah! [GROANS]
346
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,213
Coat's loud as hell, man.
347
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,881
My puffy patagonia?
348
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:39,417
Won't fit in my suitcase,
so I'm wearing it on the plane.
349
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:40,552
Why aren't you ready?
350
00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:42,086
Oh, I'm not going to Alaska.
351
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,287
What? Why?!
352
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:45,022
I have to get my veneers replaced.
353
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:47,359
I know, I know.
Doesn't look like I have veneers
354
00:13:47,361 --> 00:13:49,561
or would even be a
person who gets veneers.
355
00:13:49,563 --> 00:13:51,963
But now you know my
very expensive secret.
356
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,231
[POP!]
357
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,498
[SQUISHING]
358
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,033
Roger, I need your help.
359
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,835
I can't beat Jeff without cheating!
360
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,772
I gotchya.
Hand me that turbo booster over there.
361
00:14:00,774 --> 00:14:03,707
You're gonna turbo
boost Jeff's chainsaw.
362
00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:06,578
This puppy will make his
saw too powerful to control.
363
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,980
Turbo boost him right
out of the championship.
364
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,448
Thank you so much.
365
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,451
Please, Stan, just leave.
My head, your voice.
366
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,518
[FABRIC SWISHING]
367
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,588
And your [BLEEP] jacket!
368
00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:18,590
[ENGINE RUMBLING]
369
00:14:18,592 --> 00:14:21,426
[PASSENGERS SNORING]
370
00:14:25,399 --> 00:14:26,765
[POOF!]
371
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:42,680
Oh, mama. Look at that saw!
372
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,916
I gotta feel the heft of that baby.
373
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,954
Ohh. Just a little
tugaroo won't kill anyone.
374
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:51,889
[SOFTLY] Wait! It's been turbo-boosted!
375
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,557
You can't possibly control it!
376
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,693
[COCKY] I think I can control it.
377
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,762
No! You're not
a professional lumberjack!
378
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,831
- You're just a pilot!
- [GASPS]
379
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,033
♪ Lumberjack superhero ♪
380
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:05,103
Put that down!
You'll never be a lumberjack!
381
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:08,306
Now get inside and
study your pilot books!
382
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,974
I don't want your life!
383
00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:12,576
[SOBBING]
384
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,379
[SOBBING] Screw you, Dad!
385
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:16,448
[MOTOR STARTS]
386
00:15:16,450 --> 00:15:20,051
[PILOT SCREAMING]
387
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,253
[PLANE ENGINES WHINING]
388
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,588
[PILOT SCREAMS]
389
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,359
[YELLING]
390
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:36,000
TAMMY:
Get those people out of our garage, Bob!
391
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:39,003
What sort of limp-dick man
did I even marry, Bob?!
392
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:41,139
Tammy's really letting
Bob have it in there.
393
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:44,408
This is getting pretty real, Mom.
Maybe...
394
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,010
Don't you say it, Steve!
395
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:49,347
Maybe this isn't a contest?
396
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:53,417
[SOBBING WILDLY]
397
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:54,886
Please just leave!
398
00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:58,690
You people are ruining my marriage!
399
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,093
Steve.
400
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,696
STEVE: Aaaaaaaah!
401
00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:06,364
[STEVE SOBBING]
402
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,432
Please forgive us, Bob!
403
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,568
[FRANCINE SOBBING]
404
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,837
[CHUCKLING] Bobby, baby, we did it!
405
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:15,707
We were in it together all along,
you fools!
406
00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:18,242
We win the hardbody!
407
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,111
Honey, return that baby!
408
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:23,915
We're one-half owner
of an old orange truck!
409
00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:28,119
KLAUS: Klaaaaaaus wiiiiins!
410
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,454
Klaus?
411
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,056
- [POP!]
- That's right.
412
00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:33,457
It's me! Klaus!
413
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:37,128
The proud new owner of
a Klaus-orange hardbody.
414
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:40,131
And I'll be doing celebratory
burnouts in my new old truck
415
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,600
as soon as I find my
misplaced driving cane.
416
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,068
Oh, I know where that cane is.
417
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:46,404
Steve knows where it is!
418
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:49,207
[WIND WHISTLING]
419
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:50,675
[POOF!]
420
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,944
M-m-m-m-my p-p-p-puffy
421
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,747
p-pat... patagonia jacket saved me!
422
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,415
Shh! You'll attract predators.
423
00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:01,019
How did you survive with such a,
no offense, flat jacket?
424
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:05,289
I slowed my fall with this axe.
And that tree.
425
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:06,558
Whoa!
426
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,226
They're gonna be looking for us.
427
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:11,229
We need to build a signal tower. Here.
428
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:13,698
You're just whippin' axes
at me now, Jeff?
429
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,767
Is there anything you won't stoop to
430
00:17:15,769 --> 00:17:17,835
to keep me from beating
you at the championships?
431
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:21,373
Stop it, Mr. S. There's not
gonna be a championship.
432
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,507
Every other lumberjack is dead.
433
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,509
Oh, my God.
434
00:17:25,511 --> 00:17:27,579
Guaranteed silver.
435
00:17:27,581 --> 00:17:29,447
Look, I know we're not a team anymore,
436
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,983
but we're gonna have to
work together to survive.
437
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:34,318
You start clearing
that tree for firewood.
438
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,857
I'm gonna find my chainsaw
and get goin' on a signal tower.
439
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:42,060
Wait, wait, wait! Don't start that saw!
440
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:43,327
[MOTOR STARTS]
441
00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:46,064
[JEFF SCREAMING]
442
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,411
[CRACKLING]
443
00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,813
Guess I'm not getting
my turbo booster back.
444
00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:05,749
- [POP!]
- And there goes my goddamn toast.
445
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,751
What the hell was that?
446
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,754
Alright! Enough with the third degree!
447
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,489
I sabotaged your saw!
448
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,556
Why?
449
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,092
Because I'm a cheater.
450
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,360
A cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
451
00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:19,631
And I admit you're a
better lumberjack than me.
452
00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:21,365
I never cared about that.
453
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,102
I just wanted to show you
I was good at something
454
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:26,170
so you'd want to hang out with me.
455
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:28,640
Jeff, you are good at something.
456
00:18:28,642 --> 00:18:30,508
You're an amazing lumberjack.
457
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,043
And if we make it out of here,
458
00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:35,046
I promise I'm going to
tell that to the world.
459
00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:36,114
Thanks.
460
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,915
But if you'll get out of my way,
461
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:40,118
I got a babe to get home to.
462
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,987
♪♪
463
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:45,389
♪ Now, when I die, I will have seen ♪
464
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:46,924
♪ The wonders of the sea ♪
465
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,660
♪ And I will have
climbed the mountains ♪
466
00:18:48,662 --> 00:18:51,129
♪ In the western coun-ter-y ♪
467
00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:54,732
♪ But most of all I won't forget
the wild and wondrous thing ♪
468
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:58,336
♪ The falling of the timber
when it's early in the spring ♪
469
00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:01,880
♪ Way, hey, another brand-new day ♪
470
00:19:01,915 --> 00:19:04,542
Look at him go, puffy patagonia.
471
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,410
He might just save us yet.
472
00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:09,613
♪ Way, hey, another brand-new day ♪
473
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,283
[MOTOR STARTS]
474
00:19:11,285 --> 00:19:14,218
♪ On the wild and windy
shores of old super-i-ay ♪
475
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:18,189
Huh. Jeff Fischer. The Stoner.
476
00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:24,696
- ♪♪
- _
477
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,834
Well, Pat, we both know
I can't let Jeff save us.
478
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,703
Whoa!
Is that a signal flare in your pocket
479
00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,104
or are you just happy to see me?
480
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:36,040
Ha ha ha! Cut it out, Pat.
This is serious.
481
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,176
[MOTOR RUMBLING]
482
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:42,113
New plan, Jeff! No signal tower!
483
00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:44,516
♪♪
484
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:45,984
Oops. Too low.
485
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:48,786
[JEFF SCREAMS]
486
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,288
Catch him, Pat!
487
00:19:52,526 --> 00:19:54,192
PILOT: There's the wreck.
488
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,194
NAVIGATOR:
Dibs on any unmelted credit cards.
489
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,730
Gold fillings for me again? Ohh.
490
00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:01,265
Hand me my pliers, will ya?
491
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,467
♪♪
492
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:07,671
So, after I got a fire blazing
to warm Jeff's weak body,
493
00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:09,140
I built a signal tower.
494
00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:11,475
Of course, of course. So heroic.
495
00:20:11,477 --> 00:20:13,077
Then, just as I finished,
496
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,012
I saw Jeff messin' with a flare gun.
497
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,548
Kablooey. Flare went off
498
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:18,883
and Jeff burned down all my hard work.
499
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,352
Does this look about right?
500
00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:25,023
Usually you can see the outline
of my manhood through my pants.
501
00:20:25,025 --> 00:20:26,958
Mind e-mailing me a second draft?
502
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,492
- [GROANS]
- He's waking up.
503
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,027
Maybe I can get a statement.
504
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,363
Leave him alone, you vulture!
505
00:20:31,365 --> 00:20:33,698
Is there nothing you
won't do for a headline?!
506
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,701
Jeff, you're okay! Thank God.
507
00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:38,903
Listen. Hayley was right about you.
508
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,105
I was crazy to think you're worthless.
509
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,775
And from now on,
I want to hang out more.
510
00:20:43,777 --> 00:20:46,778
Much more. Maybe even twice a year.
511
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,513
What do you say to that... Son?
512
00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:51,315
[SHAKILY] I say...
513
00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:53,652
[BLEEP] you, Mr. S.
514
00:20:55,144 --> 00:20:57,414
_
515
00:20:58,392 --> 00:21:00,191
Bye! Have a great time!
516
00:21:02,005 --> 00:21:03,745
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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