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ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,
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00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:06,572
Dutch, convinced that Eunicewas playing around,
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00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:08,574
which she was,followed her to a hotel,
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00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:10,576
where he met Billy,who convinced him she wasn't.
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Chester triedto convince Corrine
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00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,580
that he wasn't playing around,which he was,
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00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:16,081
but Corrine was not convinced.
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00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:19,585
Real Burt convinced Alien Burtto leave Earth for good,
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00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:20,586
which he did,
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00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:21,587
and now Burt can go home
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00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,088
and convince Maryhe's who he is.
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Confused?
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00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:27,594
You won't beafter this episode of Soap.
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00:00:32,098 --> 00:00:34,600
This is the storyof two sisters,
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00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,602
Jessica Tate
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00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:39,104
and Mary Campbell.
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00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:42,608
These are the Tates,
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00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:46,111
and these are the Campbells,
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00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:49,615
and this is Soap.
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00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:26,151
Billy...
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00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,152
Hi, Ma.
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00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:30,155
Billy, it's after 11:00.
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Where have you been?
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00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:32,658
Uh, I was out, studying.
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Again?
26
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,160
You know, for years,
27
00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:36,161
you were always saying to me,
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00:01:36,162 --> 00:01:37,162
"You never study."
29
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:38,664
Now I study,
you say I shouldn't.
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00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:41,166
I'm not saying you shouldn't,
but you study all the time,
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00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:42,668
and I want you to have fun.
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00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:46,672
I'm having fun, Ma.
I promise you, I'm having fun.
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00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:48,674
Okay...
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00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,175
but I've also noticed
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00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:53,178
that you're not eating
very much lately.
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00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:55,180
Is something
bothering you, honey?
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00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:59,184
No, of course not.
Don't be silly.
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00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:00,185
Yeah.
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00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:03,689
What?
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00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,691
Well, you see, my friend, Bobby,
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00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:06,692
he's having some problems,
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00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:08,193
and I'm a little worried
about him.
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00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:10,195
You're a good friend, Billy.
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00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,697
Yeah, well, you know...
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00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:13,198
What is his problem?
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00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:15,701
He's in love
with one of his teachers.
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00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:18,203
Oh, that's normal.
48
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:21,206
Everyone at one time or another
gets a crush on a teacher.
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00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:26,211
I had a terrible crush
on Mr. McGee.
50
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:29,715
No, it's not a crush, Ma.
They're dating.
51
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:32,718
I wonder
if I'd dated Mr. McGee
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00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:36,221
if I would've passed algebra.
53
00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:38,223
Oh, well.
What difference does it make?
54
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:39,224
Algebra.
55
00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:41,727
I have never once
in all these years
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00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:44,731
had to find "X."
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00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:51,236
So, your friend Bobby
and his teacher are dating?
58
00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:54,239
Yeah, and he's really worried
about it.
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00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,241
I mean, one,
because she's his teacher,
60
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,242
and two, she's an older woman.
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00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,244
He's really in love with her.
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00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:01,246
She's incredible.
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00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,749
She's beautiful, and bright,
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00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,751
sensitive, and fun.
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00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:08,253
From what Joe says.
66
00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:11,256
Who's Joe?
67
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:12,758
My friend.
68
00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:14,760
I thought you said
his name was Bobby.
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00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:17,763
It is. It's Bobby-Joe.
70
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,264
He's Southern.
71
00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:21,266
Uh, he's got a brother
Billy-Joe, a brother Benny-Joe,
72
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:24,269
a father, Bonnie-Joe
and a mother, Millie-Joe.
73
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:26,271
I see.
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00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:30,776
Well, these relationships
really often work out.
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00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,277
You know, take for instance
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00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:33,779
Burt Reynolds and Dinah Shore.
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00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:37,282
Now, she's much older
than he is,
78
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:39,284
and they went together
for years.
79
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:41,787
Of course, he is with
that little nun now.
80
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,292
It all worked out.
81
00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:49,294
I mean, nobody
seemed to get hurt.
82
00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:50,295
See, I saw Dinah this afternoon
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00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,797
on her show.
84
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:55,801
She was happy, smiling.
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00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:57,302
So it can work out?
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00:03:57,303 --> 00:03:58,804
Oh, absolutely.
87
00:03:58,805 --> 00:03:59,805
Even your cousin, Cynthia.
88
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,307
She was married to someone
much older too
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00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:03,809
in her first marriage.
90
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:08,313
She was 22 and he was 76.
91
00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:09,314
Well, it didn't last long.
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00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,317
He died on the honeymoon.
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00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,820
But these relationships
can work out.
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00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,822
Oh, boy, that's a relief.
95
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,324
James'll be so happy.
96
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,326
Who's James?
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00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:22,327
My friend.
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00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:24,830
I thought you said
his name was Bobby-Joe.
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00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:28,333
Bobby-Joe James.
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00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,836
Uh, country and western singer.
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00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,338
You never heard
of Bobby-Joe James?
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00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:39,344
It's you, isn't it?
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00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:40,846
I guess.
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00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:43,849
You and your teacher?
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00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:45,350
Yes.
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00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:50,856
Good God,
how could she do such a thing?
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00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:53,358
I mean, how sick,
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00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,360
to get involved
with a mere child
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00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:59,364
when she's, what,
probably 55, 68 years old?
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00:04:59,365 --> 00:05:00,866
I mean, how shocking, how sick...
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00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:01,867
She's not 68.
112
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,869
What makes you think she's 68?
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00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:04,870
You said she was older.
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00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:06,371
68 is older.
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00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:07,372
She's 27.
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00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,374
27!
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00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:12,377
Oh, God, Billy.
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00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:14,880
27 years old.
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00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:17,382
Mom, just 20 seconds ago,
you said it was okay.
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00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:18,884
You remember Burt Reynolds,
Dinah Shore?
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00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:21,386
Well, we don't know
how they feel.
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00:05:21,387 --> 00:05:23,388
I mean, you cannot take
Rona Barrett's word
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00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:25,390
for everything, you know.
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00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:28,393
You said
Dinah looked fine, happy.
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00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:30,395
Lighting.
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00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:34,900
It's just that
you're still such a little baby.
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00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,401
I'm not a baby, Mom.
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00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,403
Just four years ago,
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00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:40,906
you cried when you struck out
at Little League.
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00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,407
That was a long time ago.
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00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:44,409
I don't want you to get hurt.
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I won't get hurt.
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00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:47,412
You might get hurt.
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00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:49,415
If I do get hurt,
it was worth it.
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00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:52,918
Mom, she's a nice person.
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00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:56,421
A nice, 27-year-old person
who teaches history.
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00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,924
Well, I guess
I can't object, can I?
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00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:00,425
I mean, if she's a nice person,
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00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:01,426
how can I object?
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00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,930
I mean, I'd like to find
a way to object, but...
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00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:06,932
There's nothing to worry about.
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00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,433
I promise you.
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00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,935
It's okay.
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00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,576
There's absolutely
nothing to worry about.
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00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:19,444
Well, I guess I'm going
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00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:21,947
to have to let you grow up, huh?
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00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:23,448
I will anyway.
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00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:25,450
I know.
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00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:28,453
Good night, Mom.
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00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:29,955
Good night, honey.
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00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,460
Just yesterday, rubber pants.
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00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:36,963
Ma...
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00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:46,472
Just yesterday.
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00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,480
Mare!
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00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:56,982
Mare, where've you been?
156
00:06:56,983 --> 00:06:57,983
I slept at Jessica's.
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00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:01,486
Oh, Mare, Mare, Mare.
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00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,488
Stop it!
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00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:04,489
You're always all over me,
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00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:05,991
pawing me, touching me.
161
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:07,993
I'm not an avocado.
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00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:09,995
Wait a minute, Mare.
What's the matter?
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00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:11,496
Did we meet at the drugstore?
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00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:13,498
Yes.
And did you disappear?
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00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:15,000
Yes.
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00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,501
You really disappeared?
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00:07:16,502 --> 00:07:19,004
I'm not crazy?
You disappeared?
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00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:21,006
Mare, you're not crazy.
I disappeared.
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00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:23,008
You can make yourself disappear?
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00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:24,009
No.
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00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:25,510
You're making me crazy.
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00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:27,012
Mary, wait a minute.
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Mare, Mare, listen,
I disappeared.
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00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:30,015
I did. I disappeared,
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00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:33,018
but I didn't make me disappear.
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00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,520
They made me disappear.
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00:07:35,521 --> 00:07:37,522
We're both crazy.
No, no.
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00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,524
Mare, listen to me.
Mare, please listen to me.
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00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:40,525
You've gotta hear this now.
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00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:42,027
Remember when I went looking
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00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:43,528
for the spaceship?
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00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:46,031
I found it.
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00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:49,034
Mare, I'm telling you,
they beamed me up to their ship.
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00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,535
I was on the ship.
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00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,037
It was an alien spaceship.
186
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:54,539
You were on an alien spaceship.
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00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:55,540
That's it.
Right. Yeah.
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00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,543
Look at this.
Look at that.
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00:07:58,544 --> 00:07:59,544
See?
190
00:07:59,545 --> 00:08:02,047
It's a knob.
191
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:05,051
Yeah, yeah, from the spaceship.
192
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:10,055
Here. We were both
on a spaceship.
193
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:12,557
No, wait a minute, Mare.
194
00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:13,558
Mary, please.
195
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:14,559
Saul gave it to me.
196
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,562
Saul? An alien named Saul?
197
00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:19,564
Yes. No, no, no.
Saul's not an alien.
198
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:20,565
He's like you and me.
199
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:22,067
They captured him
like they captured me,
200
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,569
only they captured him
4,000 years ago.
201
00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:27,072
They've probably stopped
looking for him by now.
202
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:28,573
Mary, please, listen.
203
00:08:28,574 --> 00:08:30,075
That's what they do.
They capture people.
204
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:31,576
Then, in order
to study the Earth,
205
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:34,579
they send down a duplicate
of the guy they captured.
206
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,081
See, they took an alien,
207
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:37,082
a little guy...
208
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,083
they're all little guys,
209
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:40,585
it's like munchkins
all around you...
210
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:43,088
and they put him into
an exact duplicate of my body.
211
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,090
Mary, they can do
that stuff. Really.
212
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:47,092
In this case, unfortunately,
213
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,593
they sent down
this little sex-crazy guy...
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00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,595
Sex-crazy?
215
00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:53,098
Yeah, it seems he hadn't had sex
in 2,000 years.
216
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,601
I mean, 2,000 years, Mary.
217
00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:59,604
I get crazy after a week.
218
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,106
Mare, I'm the Real Burt.
219
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,107
I'm the Real Burt!
220
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:04,109
You stick a pin in me,
you get blood.
221
00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:06,611
You stick a pin in him,
you get Freon.
222
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:10,615
Burt, it's true.
223
00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:12,617
Sex-crazy. It wasn't you.
224
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:14,119
That's what I'm telling you.
225
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,120
You're you!
226
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:16,621
I'm me. He's him.
227
00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:17,622
I'm not him. I'm me.
228
00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,124
Where is he?
229
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:21,126
I... Well, they beamed him
up to the ship.
230
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:22,627
He's up there
in his little silver body,
231
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:23,628
diddling around.
232
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:27,632
Burt, I'm not crazy.
233
00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:29,134
I'm really not crazy.
234
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:32,137
I thought I was crazy,
but I am not crazy.
235
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:34,139
Oh! Oh, thank God.
236
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:36,641
I'd go crazy if I was crazy.
237
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:38,143
Oh, Burt.
238
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,645
Welcome home.
239
00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:44,649
It must have been terrible
up there.
240
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:47,152
No. Well, you know, actually,
they were pretty nice to me,
241
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,654
but the terrible part
was not being with you.
242
00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:52,157
That was the terrible part.
243
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:56,662
That and the teeny little
portions they serve up there.
244
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,667
I am so happy that you're home.
245
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:05,670
Wait. Hey, Mare, wait.
246
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:07,672
Mare, when you came in,
you said I...
247
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,174
I couldn't keep
my hands off you.
248
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:11,176
Did, uh, did he, uh...
249
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:13,678
Nothing.
250
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,680
Really.
251
00:10:15,681 --> 00:10:17,683
Tapped me on the shoulder a lot.
252
00:10:19,906 --> 00:10:21,186
Wait a minute, Mary, please now.
253
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,687
He was a very horny little guy.
254
00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:24,689
Really?
255
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:28,193
Yeah, Mare, come on, just...
Tell me. I mean...
256
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:30,696
You know, did any...
You know, you and...
257
00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:35,701
Well, Burt,
I thought it was you.
258
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,703
While I was up there with them,
259
00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:40,205
you were up there with him?
260
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:43,209
I didn't know it was him.
I thought it was you.
261
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:48,213
So how was I?
262
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:54,719
Unbelievably... bad. Bad.
263
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,721
Bad?
264
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:57,722
Huh!
265
00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,224
How come?
266
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:02,228
It just wasn't you.
267
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:19,744
So, I thought it would help
if I found the kidnappers.
268
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,246
I thought
it would make me feel better,
269
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:24,249
but it turns out it didn't.
270
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,251
I mean,
it didn't bring you back.
271
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:29,754
God, I miss you so much, Elaine.
272
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:33,258
I never knew what it was like
to miss somebody until now.
273
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:38,264
I'll come again soon.
274
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,767
I love you, Elaine.
275
00:11:42,768 --> 00:11:44,269
Bye-bye.
276
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,773
Oh, I'm sorry.
277
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,275
I really didn't mean...
278
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,776
but I was, I was just...
279
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:52,777
I'm sorry.
280
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,280
It's okay.
281
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:57,283
You look so sad.
282
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:02,287
Well, I-I mean,
of course, you look sad.
283
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:03,788
You're here.
It's... It's natural.
284
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:07,792
It's just that I...
285
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:09,294
Never mind.
286
00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:10,795
I'm, uh, I'm really sorry.
287
00:12:10,796 --> 00:12:11,796
Goodbye.
288
00:12:11,797 --> 00:12:12,797
Thank you.
289
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:14,299
You're welcome.
For what?
290
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,800
For caring.
291
00:12:15,801 --> 00:12:17,802
I know what it's like.
292
00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:19,304
Is that...
293
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,305
My husband.
294
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:21,306
I'm sorry.
295
00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:22,307
You?
296
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,308
Wife.
When?
297
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:24,809
A few months ago. You?
298
00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:25,810
Six months.
299
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:29,314
You know, I used to think
it was crazy
300
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,316
whenever you'd see
in a movie or something,
301
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:34,319
somebody talking
to somebody who was...
302
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,820
you know...
303
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:36,821
Dead.
304
00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:38,823
Yeah, dead.
305
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:40,325
I hate to say that word.
306
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,827
I figure, if I don't say it,
it won't be true.
307
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,829
Yeah, I know.
308
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:47,832
I used to think
it was crazy, talking, but...
309
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,834
now I come here
and talk to Elaine.
310
00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:51,336
I do too.
311
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,339
You knew Elaine?
312
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:59,344
No, my husband?
I talk to my husband.
313
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:02,347
Oh! Right. Sure.
314
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:04,349
It helps too, you know.
315
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:06,851
I don't feel so alone.
316
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:08,853
I just wish they could answer.
317
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:10,855
Yeah, I know.
318
00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:14,859
You know, sometimes
when I wake up in the morning,
319
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:18,363
for a second, I don't remember
that it happened,
320
00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:22,367
and then it hits me,
just like it did the first time.
321
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:23,868
Yeah.
322
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:24,870
I know.
323
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:34,379
Listen, you wanna have
a cup of coffee or something?
324
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,380
Now?
325
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:36,381
Yeah.
326
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:37,382
I don't know.
327
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,883
Oh, forget it.
328
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,385
It's probably not a good idea.
329
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,887
I mean, I think
I'd feel a little funny
330
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:44,389
enjoying myself now, you know?
331
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,891
Me too.
332
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:58,904
Wait a minute.
333
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:12,917
She says it's fine.
334
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,419
She does?
335
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:15,421
Yeah.
336
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:25,930
He says it's all right too.
337
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:27,432
Then what do you say?
338
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:29,934
I'm Polly.
339
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:31,436
Let's have coffee.
340
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,437
I'm Danny.
341
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:33,439
Let's go.
342
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:50,455
You mean, that you actually
lied to Dutch?
343
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,956
What was I gonna do,
344
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:53,458
tell him Eunice was there
with a guy?
345
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:54,459
The man is a killer.
346
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,960
Could you two knock it off?
347
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:58,463
He is making breakfast
in the next room.
348
00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:00,965
You lied to a killer?
Are you crazy?
349
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,967
I was saving my sister's behind.
350
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:05,970
My behind does not need saving.
351
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:07,972
Eunice, I don't understand you.
352
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:09,474
How could you do this to him?
353
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,476
Oh, I don't know.
354
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:14,979
Sometimes, I love him,
and sometimes, I don't.
355
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:17,982
I take it last night
was a definite don't.
356
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:19,484
Oh, listen to this.
357
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:22,487
I'm getting snide remarks
from a hot Cub Scout.
358
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:25,490
Eunice, what if he finds out?
359
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:27,492
That dolt?
How could he?
360
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,494
Eunice, don't you think
it might be fair to Dutch
361
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,495
to tell him how you feel?
362
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:32,497
Oh, I don't know.
363
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:36,000
He does certain things
very well.
364
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:38,503
Oh, Eunice...
365
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,505
Good morning.
366
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:41,506
Good morning, Daddy.
367
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:42,507
Eh?
368
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,508
Everyone sleep well?
369
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:44,509
Oh, yeah.
370
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,512
Eventually.
371
00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:50,515
It's so nice to hear
my children's voices
372
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,016
chattering away,
373
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:54,019
and to see
their happy, little faces.
374
00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:00,024
Good morning, Billy.
375
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:02,026
Did you have
an interesting time last night?
376
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:05,530
Oh, uh, same old thing.
377
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,033
Really?
378
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:11,035
Good morning.
379
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,537
Good morning, Dutch.
380
00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:13,538
Everybody ready for breakfast?
381
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:14,539
Smells wonderful.
382
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,541
Leavenworth porridge.
383
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,042
Actually, only one
other guy besides me
384
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:19,544
has the recipe for this,
385
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:21,045
and he doesn't have
much use for it anymore.
386
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:22,046
Oh, why not?
387
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:23,548
They executed him.
388
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:27,553
Well, it's nice
he wrote it down.
389
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:30,555
For the lady of the house.
390
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,056
Oh, thank you, Dutch.
391
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:34,559
I'm so happy
to see everyone this morning.
392
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,562
This house was like
a morgue last night.
393
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,564
I mean, Billy didn't
come home from school,
394
00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:42,066
and Chester didn't come
home from the city.
395
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:45,069
Eunice didn't come home
from the movies,
396
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:49,073
and Corrine didn't come home.
397
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:52,076
Dutch was in and out
all night long,
398
00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:54,078
but he never sat down to chat.
399
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:57,081
I'm just glad that it's morning
so I can have a little company.
400
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,083
For the master of the house.
401
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:02,587
Well, thank you, Dutch.
402
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:04,088
Enjoy, all.
There's plenty.
403
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:06,090
Oh, Dutch?
404
00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:07,592
Yes, my sweet?
405
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:08,593
What about me, don't I get any?
406
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,595
Oh, of course, my dear.
407
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,097
How stupid of me.
408
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:20,104
Princess!
409
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:23,608
I can be such a dolt sometimes.
410
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:27,612
You stupid clod!
How dare you?
411
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:28,613
Dolt, eh?
412
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:30,114
You spent the night
with some clown,
413
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,116
and I'm too stupid
to figure it out?
414
00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:36,621
Clowns! Oh!
They're my favorite thing.
415
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,625
You horrible,
loathsome, malicious...
416
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:47,131
Dutch, I just
don't believe this!
417
00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:48,132
You don't believe it?
418
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,133
No.
419
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,134
You don't?
420
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,636
I turned state's evidence
for you.
421
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:54,639
I fink on my own kind,
and you don't believe it?
422
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,140
You don't?
423
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:58,643
Well, wait till you see
what I got planned for lunch.
424
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:02,146
Settle down!
425
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:03,648
I love you, Eunice.
426
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:07,653
Oh, Dutch, flowers would've been
so much nicer.
427
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:13,157
Eunice, if that
ever happens again,
428
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:15,660
it'll be the sorriest night
of your life.
429
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:23,167
Oh, men are such
temperamental cooks.
430
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:26,170
Is he gone, Jessica?
431
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:27,672
Yes, Chester.
432
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:34,178
Colonel, that helmet
is way too big.
433
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:36,681
Now, you get one your own size.
434
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:37,682
Oh, Major.
435
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,686
And clean up this mess now!
436
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:45,690
Would anyone
care for more coffee?
437
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:48,694
CHESTER:
I think I'd like some.
438
00:18:58,704 --> 00:18:59,704
Mary...
439
00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:01,205
Hi, Jess.
440
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,707
Hello, darling.
441
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,709
Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry I'm late,
442
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:07,211
but I simply could not
get out of Bloomingdale's.
443
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,212
I love that store.
444
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,714
Me too.
445
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:13,217
I think I'd like
to be buried there.
446
00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:16,721
So, Mary, what is
your wonderful news?
447
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,222
Jessica, you know
448
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:19,724
how I've been thinking
I'm crazy,
449
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,226
because I've thought
Burt wasn't Burt?
450
00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:23,227
Uh-huh.
451
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:26,230
Well, I'm not crazy, Jessica.
452
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:28,232
I am not crazy at all.
453
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,234
The man I thought wasn't Burt
wasn't Burt.
454
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:33,238
He was a man from outer space
made to look just like Burt.
455
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,241
Of course, I knew, you see,
456
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:40,244
that even though he was Burt,
he wasn't.
457
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:52,757
I see.
458
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:55,259
Now, Mary,
did Burt tell you this,
459
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:58,262
or did you just
draw your own conclusions?
460
00:19:58,263 --> 00:19:59,764
He told me.
461
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:02,266
Not the Alien Burt.
The Real Burt told me,
462
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:04,268
once he got rid
of the Alien Burt.
463
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:06,270
I see.
464
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:08,773
Well, if it makes you
happy, Mary,
465
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:12,276
that's all that's important.
466
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,278
But it's true, Jess, it's true.
467
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:17,281
Listen, it's all right.
Whatever works for you.
468
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,786
Ask Burt.
He'll explain it to you.
469
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:22,787
Oh, I will, I will.
470
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,288
I'll come over some night,
471
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:27,291
and we can all sit around
and have a few laughs about it,
472
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,292
but not now, Mary.
473
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:30,795
I've got too much on my mind.
474
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:31,796
That's why I went shopping.
475
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,297
When I get upset, I go shopping,
476
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,299
because then I can get upset
about what I bought,
477
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,802
and I forget what I got
upset about in the first place.
478
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:38,803
Only today,
479
00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:44,308
I couldn't find anything
that upset me in my size.
480
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:46,811
Jessica, what's wrong?
481
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:49,313
Billy is in love
with one of his teachers.
482
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:50,815
That's normal.
483
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,316
He's dating her.
484
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,318
That's not.
485
00:20:54,319 --> 00:20:55,820
Mary, next week
486
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:57,822
are the parent-
teachers' conferences.
487
00:20:57,823 --> 00:21:00,825
I mean, what am I
going to talk about?
488
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:03,828
How Billy's doing?
489
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:06,831
I mean, I don't think
I want to know.
490
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:08,833
Dating his teacher...
491
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:12,336
He'll never know
what he's being graded for.
492
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:15,840
And Mary, she is 10 years
older than he is.
493
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,342
Now, I know 10 years
shouldn't bother me,
494
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:20,344
and I can't think
of a reason in the world
495
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:21,345
why it does bother me.
496
00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:22,847
All I know
is that it bothers me.
497
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:24,849
If she was a man,
it wouldn't bother you.
498
00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:31,355
No, Mary, I think
that would bother me more.
499
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:32,857
Because, you see, Mary,
500
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:36,861
then Billy would be dating
an older, homosexual teacher.
501
00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:39,363
No, Jessica.
502
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:42,867
I mean, if Billy was a girl,
and the teacher was a man.
503
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:43,868
We think nothing
504
00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:45,870
of a man being 10 years
older than a woman.
505
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:47,873
That's because
they generally are.
506
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:51,876
What?
507
00:21:51,877 --> 00:21:54,378
Men are generally
older than women.
508
00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:56,881
Jessica, what I mean is...
509
00:21:56,882 --> 00:21:58,383
Mary, look!
510
00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:01,886
What?
511
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:05,389
It's Chester. Are you sure?
512
00:22:05,390 --> 00:22:06,390
With a woman!
513
00:22:06,391 --> 00:22:07,892
It was Chester with a woman.
514
00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:08,893
Jessica...
515
00:22:08,894 --> 00:22:11,896
that was probably Chester
getting into the elevator,
516
00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:13,899
and a woman
getting into the elevator.
517
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,901
He was holding her arm.
518
00:22:16,902 --> 00:22:20,404
Maybe she was blind.
519
00:22:20,405 --> 00:22:23,908
No, she was a brunette.
520
00:22:27,913 --> 00:22:31,415
Mary, he has gone upstairs
with her.
521
00:22:31,416 --> 00:22:33,918
Jessica,
don't jump to conclusions.
522
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:37,421
There are a million reasons
why he could be here.
523
00:22:37,422 --> 00:22:38,422
Name one.
524
00:22:38,423 --> 00:22:41,425
Smoke Enders.
525
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:43,427
Smoke Enders meets upstairs.
526
00:22:43,428 --> 00:22:44,428
He doesn't smoke.
527
00:22:44,429 --> 00:22:46,430
EST.
528
00:22:46,431 --> 00:22:47,431
What?
529
00:22:47,432 --> 00:22:48,933
EST.
530
00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:53,437
You know that group.
The McDonald's of psychiatry.
531
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:56,941
Chester hates hamburgers.
532
00:22:58,944 --> 00:23:00,444
Where are you going?
533
00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:01,445
Upstairs.
534
00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:03,447
Jess, please don't go.
535
00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:07,952
Mary, it's the only way
that I'm going to know for sure,
536
00:23:07,953 --> 00:23:09,454
and I've got to know.
537
00:23:28,895 --> 00:23:30,975
ANNOUNCER:
Will anything happen with Danny and Polly?
538
00:23:30,976 --> 00:23:33,477
Will they decide to meetsomewhere else next time?
539
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:34,979
What will Jessica find
540
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:36,480
when she goes upto Chester's room?
541
00:23:36,481 --> 00:23:38,983
Will a "Do Not Disturb"sign stop her?
542
00:23:38,984 --> 00:23:40,985
Is Mary glad Real Burt is back?
543
00:23:40,986 --> 00:23:42,987
Won't there be certain thingsshe'll miss?
544
00:23:42,988 --> 00:23:45,489
Will Eunice find outwhat's for breakfast
545
00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:46,490
before she fools around again?
546
00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:47,992
Will she at least wear a hat?
547
00:23:47,993 --> 00:23:49,493
These questions and many otherswill be answered
548
00:23:49,494 --> 00:23:53,498
on the next episode of Soap.
549
00:23:58,503 --> 00:24:01,506
Soap is videotapedbefore a studio audience.
37092
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