All language subtitles for Up Pompeii - 01x05 - 1The Actors

All right, all right, all right!

Stuff them yourselves.
Stuff them yourselves.

Damned olives.

Well, they eat them here by the ton.

Now, greetings, good citizens.
The prologue.

Now... Ooh!

It's cold tonight. Now.

The prologue.

Our story tonight is taken from Medusa.

Medusa and the Gorgons. The Gorgons.

Now, you've all heard of the Gorgons.
The Gorgons.

A very famous family, the Gorgons.
There was Gorgon Richards, or course.

And there was Gorgon of Khartoum.

And of course there was Emile Zola's
brother, Gorgon Zola.

Now, then...

What do you expect, wit?

You'll be disappointed tonight. Now.

Now, also, the most famous of these
was, of course, Medusa. Medusa Gorgon.

And the trouble was... A very sad case.

Poor woman.
Because, you see, she didn't have hair.

Didn't have hair like ordinary women.

Oh, no, no. No, actually,
she had serpents growing out of her head.

All serpents growing out of her head. Yes.
And, of course, this was a handicap.

Well, I mean, you go and try to make
an appointment at the hairdresser's, because...

It's the only case I know where
the customer stings the hairdresser.

But...

Oh, just a little one.
Just a whimsy, that joke. But, erm...

This part of Medusa, with the serpents...

You see... As you can imagine, we
couldn't find anyone to play this part.

It's very difficult, you know. But
we hunted high and low and eventually

we came across this little old lady

who was sitting on the Po.

Now...

She'd settled there.

On the Po, which, of course,
is a river in Italy.

And she was in this cave,

in this cave.

And she had all these snakes,
all wriggling.

You see. Of course, it was a godsend
to us to find her, you can imagine.

And she's going to play the...
Are you there, dear?

You all right, love? Yes, okay.
I won't be long now.

Keep your snakes wriggling, dear.
We shan't be too long, now.

Comb them while we're waiting.
Yes, keep them...

Keep them writhing.
That's the main thing, poor soul.

You're all right? Poor soul.

Still... No, don't laugh. But it's...
No, it's wicked to mock the afflicted.

No, well...

Yeah, well, it's 'cause she's very excited.
This is her first part, you see.

Won't keep you long.

-All right. Now, Medusa and the Gorgons...
-Lurcio, Lurcio, where are you?

This is Nausius. This is my master's
young son. Strange boy.

Peculiar boy. Very shy. Ever so shy.

Well, I think he's on his way to the
public baths. I think he's lost his fig leaf.

Yeah, well, he's always losing it.
It's such a small one.

Lurcio, Lurcio, have you heard
the wonderful news?

It's grown?

Look. The Olympia Theatre Company
is here in Pompeii.

Oh, the Olympia Theatre Company.

Oh, I'm beside myself with joy.

Wouldn't you be more comfortable
with joy in the middle?

-Oh, Lurcio. I saw them in Stygia.
-Yeah.

In Stygia? Did ya?

-Now...
-There was a young girl in the company.

-There was a what?
-A young girl in the company...

-Yes, master?
-...called Hernia.

Hernia. Oh.

What a pretty name. Hernia.

I went round to see her after the show,

-and we got together.
-Did you really?

One night I saw her Medea.

Did you... Pardon?

-I saw her Medea.
-Medea?

Oh, yes, weren't you lucky.

-It's a very well-known part, Lurcio.
-Oh, I know.

It's the most famous part
in Greece. Oh, I know.

Oh, Lurcio, she did it beautifully.

Did she? Oh, I'm glad
you were satisfied.

-I was carried away.
-Yes, well, it can take it out of you, I know.

I came straight home and
wrote this ode to her.

-Oh, the ode.
-It's here on this tablet.

Ah, it's time for the tablet.
Ah, well, yes.

Ode To Hernia. Oh, isn't this pretty.

"Oh, Hernia,
she with the golden tresses

And figure like a young goddess's

With heavenly eyes
that spark like crystals

And a truly wondrous pair..."
Er, hello.

Get ready.

"A truly wondrous pair of legs"

-I'm afraid I was lost for a rhyme, there.
-A rhyme.

Hear now a pithy couplet from Plautus.

"With heavenly eyes
that sparked like crystals

No small wonder that
where e'er she lurcheth

She is the recipient
of excited whis-tles"

Oh, isn't that shocking?
I could do better than that myself.

Now, try this one.

"With eyes as keen as
Sir Walter Raleigh's

She had a truly
wondrous pair..." No, no.

No.

That doesn't rhyme
with legs either, does it? No.

-Quite right.
-Oh, never mind, Lurcio.

I must at once to the hippodrome
and book me a seat.

Yes, ah, yes.

-Oh, Hernia. Hernia.
-Ah.

Hernia. At first, careless rupture.

Now, back... The prologue.

Medusa of the Gorgons.

Now, are you still there, dear?

You're all right, are you? I'm sorry
to keep you waiting. It won't be long.

I'm just doing the prologue,
dear. That's right.

Are your serpents all right?

If they're getting restless,
take them to the Serpentine.

Yes, that's right.
Let them have a paddle.

-Now...
-Woe, woe, woe and thrice woe!

Oh, dear, she is a misery.
This is the soothsayer, Senna.

One of the fun people.

A curse on those immoral actors.
I spit on them.

Oh, a critic, too.

I have been given a sign. A great
bird will be sent down from the gods.

Ah, well. We're used to the bird
from the gods, so we're all right.

The day of judgement is near.

Woe, woe and thrice woe!

And there you have it.
There's no business like woe business.

(MUTTERING) Oh. Silly old bag.

She's a real misery. Well, I think it's wrong
to knock the theatre like that, don't you?

It's wrong.
I love the theatre, don't you?

Oh, I do. I love the theatre.
All those Greek tragedies.

Those Greek tragedies like,
you know, Lysistrata,

and Oedipus, Oedipus,

and Never On Sunday.
Oh, I like anything like that.

Oh, I do. I like anything like that,
I do. 'Cause I'm actually...

I'm a bit of a thespian myself,
you know. I am. Thespian.

You're thinking of one of those
strange ladies, dear. Thespian.

Oh, yeah, I can act. I can act.
Listen, listen, listen.

Ah-ha! "See what light
through yonder window breaks?"

"Oh, the quality
of mercy is not strain'd."

"Is this a dagger
that I see before me?"

"Oh, Oedipus.

Oh, de puss has done
something on the mat. Oh.

Oh, wicked puss."
Ah, that shook you, didn't it? Ah, yes.

We're not just a bunch of ignorant
peasants here in Pompeii...

-Lurcio. Lurcio.
-Yes, mistress?

I want you to come and cut my toenails
for me as soon as I'm in the bath.

As I was saying, we're not just...

We're not just a bunch
of ignorant peasants here, you know.

Some of the best people
are ignorant as well.

Now, I mean, fancy cutting
her toenails in the bath.

It's the acme of dead commonness.

Why she can't... Why can't she
do it in bed like decent people do?

The stage is right this way.

Strangers approacheth!

God, how I hate touring.
Ah, let's rest.

These are the actors. This is
the theatre. The actors, you see.

You can tell that by the way they keep
ducking their heads. Look.

Oh, this is my big chance.

I'll hang around here. Perhaps
I shall get a chance to show my talent.

Perhaps they'll buy my freedom
and invite me to join their company.

Ah, actors. That's the life for me.

Touring strange countries,

eating strange foods,

making strange noises afterwards.
Oh, yes.

So this is Pompeii. What a dump.

Oh, it's not so bad, Hermione.

Not so bad? The best thing that could
happen here would be a volcanic eruption.

Now, you see, that...
That one. That's Hermione.

Now, she's the great dramatic actress,
and she's the leader of the troupe.

Now, they do say, they're
the biggest drawers in the theatre.

Well, however big they are,
I'm sure she can fill them.

Cheer up.
Think of the performance tonight.

Think only of what a success you will be.

A success?

Why, even Hermione the divine couldn't
be a success with a drunken husband

as her leading man.

Cuspidor will be all right
on the night, I'm sure.

Oh, he'd better be.

He was pie-eyed in Padua,
cooked in Crete,

and absolutely stoned in Smyrna.

Well, you can guess
what he was like in Pisa.

He was leaning. Leaning.

Oh, look at him. Our matinee idol.

One matinee and idle
for the rest of the week.

-Here, you.
-Me, madam?

Yes, you with the low-slung face.

Oh, yes.

I can mention a couple of things of hers
which are pretty low-slung as well.

-Yes.
-Tell me the way to the hippodrome theatre.

Ah, this is my big chance.
My big chance. Ah, madam.

(CACKLES DRAMATICALLY) Yes.
"See what light through yonder window breaks."

It is the hippodrome theatre.

And therein, Juliet
is the cloakroom attendant.

Ah, yes. Juliet, Juliet.
Alas, I knew her well.

I knew her well.
I often dipped my bucket there.

That's all we needed. Somebody who still
thinks that opportunity knocks.

Oh, I'm sorry, madam. I'm afraid that...

Well, I couldn't hold myself back.

My acting talent came out.

Are you a mummer, too?

How dare you! I'm not even married.

-Come along everyone.
-Wait, wait, wait.

Farewell, farewell and thrice farewell.

"Oh, parting is such sweet sorrow."

In the words of the poet, Socrates,

"Goodbye-ee, don't sigh-ee

wipe a tear, baby dear

from your eye-ee"

-We'll let you know.
-Thank you.

-Excuse me.
-Hello. Here he is. Lee Marvin.

Could you tell me where
I could get a quick...

Oh. Well, I don't think there is one near here.

-Let me see, where's the nearest one. Is it urgent?
-Oh, yes, I must have one.

Well, I know how you feel...

Oh. Nip down that alley there, you see,

you'll see the Oxen and Bush.
I'm sure they'll sell you a bottle there.

-Thank you very much.
-You're very welcome.

Good afternoon. Nice to have met you.
Oops. Oh, look, there he goes.

I bet he was...
He was plastered in Paris, as well.

I tell you, I wouldn't demean myself
acting with a bunch of actors like that.

Oh, I wouldn't do it.

What? I had a better cast
when I broke my leg.

Come on, don't doze off.
You're dozing off, now.

Medusa and the Gorgons.

You still there, dear?

Shan't keep you long, love. I'm ever
so sorry. We're a bit delayed.

Yes. The serpents...

Take your serpents out for a walk.
Oh, well. On your head be it.

-Lurcio, Lurcio, where are you?
-Oh, dear, my mistress. I'd forgotten all about her.

Lurcio, quickly, I'm ready for it.

You can say that again.
She's always ready for it.

Do you know, it's no secret,
she's known around here as second hand?

Second hand. Because she
keeps going all 'round the clock.

Yes. Oh, I must, I better go in.

Missus. I'll go in now
and do this next scene, you see.

Keep your serpents writhing, poor soul.

-There we are, mistress.
-Oh, Lurcio, have you got the cutters?

Yes, mistress. Here they are.

There. Now, shall we commence?

Yes. And when you've finished, Lurcio,
there's something I want you to do for me.

You see what I mean? She's insatiable.
All right. Short back and front, as usual.

Lurcio, I want you to take a note
down to the hippodrome, for me,

-to an actor called Cuspidor.
-Cuspidor?

-Oh, you don't know him, do you, mistress?
-Oh, yes.

Oh. Well, Lurcio, I did.

-Ah.
-Ten years ago.

Lurcio, what a man.

Now, there's someone with real
red blood in his veins.

Well, it might have been red
blood then. It's Red Biddy now.

Oh, dear Cuspidor.

Yes, he was helping me with a charity show
at the time, and I remember afterwards.

-Oh, Lurcio. What a performer.
-Yes.

Yes. You're not a bad one, yourself,
from what I've heard, mistress.

Oh, yes, dear Cuspidor.
I can't wait to see him again.

Oh, but Lurcio, please
don't tell my husband.

-I don't think he'll understand.
-Oh no, mistress. Oh, no. Of course not, mistress.

Oh, not... Not that I intend
to do anything wrong with Cuspidor.

Oh, no, I'm sure you'll do
everything right. You should do.

You've had enough practice.

But I always think, Lurcio,
I do have to think of our position.

Oh, it's half the battle, isn't it? Yes.

Well, that one's finished.
Yes, now how about the other?

Do we have time?

-The other foot, mistress.
-Oh, just a minute, Lurcio.

-Lurcio.
-What.

-It's stuck. Yes.
-Is it?

Allow me. I think...
Oh, I think... Here it is.

-Oh!
-Oh, I beg your pardon.

No, don't apologise.

Oh, here it is, yes.

No, no, Lurcio, oh!

Oh, no, it's no good.
It's stuck, Lurcio.

You really will have to do something
about this asses' milk.

This asses' milk. Yes, mistress.

I must order up another vat.
Another vat.

Look, all this has turned
to yoghurt. Look at this.

Here, look, look, look, look, look.
Get back, get back!

You don't miss a chance, do you?

You're worse than the studio staff.

Now... Oh, look, look.

She's got... She's got nothing on.

No, my life. Nothing on at all.
No. Not a stitch.

Well, I tell a lie. She has got
a stitch. There is a stitch.

That must be where
she had her operation.

Who did it, missus?

Oh, yes. Well, he is
a cut above the others.

He's a cut above... Come on.
Try and force yourselves.

It is a well-known fact

that surgery in pre-Roman times

began when Hercules
had his finger taken out.

Well, here we are. That's
my mistress done. There we are.

Now, the prologue.

Medusa of the Gorgons.

Are you still there, love?
Is she still there?

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, dear.

We'll be on in a second.
It won't be long now, yes.

Keep your serpents writhing,
that's the main thing.

LUDICRUS: Lurcio, where are you? Lurcio!

Oh, I simply don't understand him.
He's never here when he's elsewhere.

Oh, there you are, Lurcio.

-What are you doing?
-Well, I was doing the prologue, master.

You see, Medusa and the Gorgons.

No, no, that's not important now, Lurcio.

Something much more important.
Have you seen this?

Oh, yes.
This is the theatre pamphlet.

Yes, yes, and have you
seen who's playing in it?

-Oh, Hermione.
-Hermione!

Do you know her, master?

(WHEEZING)

Did he say anything there?

Do that again.
That's good, I like that bit.

-Do I know her? I was her most ardent admirer.
-Were you?

-I was the president of her fan club.
-Ah.

-I composed the fan club chant.
-What was that?

"Hermione, terminus est. "

Oh, dear, please.

We nearly saw your terminus
there, master.

I beg your pardon.

But Hermione terminus est.

-Which means?
-Hermione is the end.

Yes. You should see
her terminus now, master.

It's bigger than her fan club,
I'm sorry to say.

Oh, what a woman, Lurcio.

I can't tell you what she did to me.

Can't you? Oh.

Well... Well, write it down.
I'll read it in bed tonight.

Oh, those slim legs,

those magnificent hips,

that tiny waist, and those...

I can't go on.

What a funny place to stop, I must say.

You can tell he's a self-made man.

Started at the bottom.
Worked his way up.

-Oh, Lurcio, Lurcio.
-Yes, master.

I would like to go to the theatre
again and see her tonight.

But I'm afraid my wife
wouldn't understand.

Hello, here we go. Here we go again.

I wonder if you'll pop down to
the hippodrome and get me a ticket.

Yes, master, yes. I'll get you a ticket.

When I take the note from the...

Note, note, what note?

Well, the note from the... Well.

You must send a note to tell her
you're coming along, mustn't you?

I love this bit.

That's good, isn't it? This bit.

Let's do it again. Come on.

I wish to God he was sitting
in the audience, I'll tell you that.

No, no, no.
No, Lurcio, do you think I dare?

-Yes. Yes, master.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
Hermione would never remember me.

Oh, you're unforgettable, master.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was only one amongst 1,000 admirers.

Just a ship that passed in the night.

Ah, pity. What a pity you
didn't put into port for a bit.

There were very good
berthing facilities there.

Yes, let's have one
for the road. Come on.

It is a well-known fact

that Roman ladies
were more than partial to sailors.

Indeed, every Roman galley
had three rows of oars.

-Half an hour, please.
-Half an hour, please.

BOTH: Half an hour, please.

Yes, who is it?

It's me, Hernia. I thought
you ought to know, Cuspidor's gone.

What?

-Is he not in his dressing room?
-I don't think so.

Jove's curse on the wretch!

He's at the bottle again.
The dirty, rotten drunkard.

(MUMBLING)

Oh, there you are, Madam Hermione.

I'm afraid I must inform you,
I've just bespied your beloved husband

lying flat on his back
in the public bar of the Oxen and Bush.

Oh, the poor darling.
It must be his malaria again.

Malaria? Don't make me laugh.

He's stoned out of his tiny, Grecian mind.

Thirty-five years I've been a theatre manager.
I've never known anything like it.

Then you'll just have to cancel
tonight's performance.

What? With the box office sold out?

You must be joking.

Look, I'm having him on that stage.
I've got a contract here that says so.

Then you'll just have to tear it up.

-I will not.
-Then I will.

-Finished?
-No.

-There.
-That...

That won't do you any good, you know.

That was just a Carborundum copy.

Right. I want you
and him on that stage,

or I'll sue you for
every drachma you've got.

Excuse me. Where's the door?

Oh, Hermione, isn't it awful?

-Can't someone else play Cuspidor's part?
-But who? I mean, who else is there?

Anyway, who can we find?

Oh, excuse me.

Is this Mr Cuspidor's room?

Yes, but I'm afraid
he's out at the moment.

-Spark out.
-Oh.

Oh, well, madam, I have
a note for you, as well.

A note from an old admirer.

Ooh, thank you. How nice.

Now, let me see.

"You may not remember me, but I would
dearly love the honour of seeing you again.

In admiration, Ludicrus Sextus."

-Yes, madam.
-Oh, yes, I remember him well.

You remember him, madam?

Yes, he's a tall, broad-shouldered,
handsome young man, right?

Well, I suppose he's a man. Yes.

Well, at least, he always goes through the door
marked "men". I suppose he must be, yes.

Look, mistress, madam,
would you excuse me now?

Because I must do some shopping.
We've run out of snowflakes.

So, if you'll just forgive me...

-Please don't go. Wait there.
-Wait here?

Hermione, couldn't he play Cuspidor's part?

-Him?
-Well, anything's better than being sued.

Yes, but supposing Cuspidor finds out?
I mean, you know how insanely jealous he gets.

They're talking about me, aren't they?
I bet they are.

I can tell. My ears are burning.

My ears are burning. Yes. They always
burn when someone talks about me.

The only other time they burn
is when my gorge is rising.

Well, it's not rising now.
Well, you can see.

Well, I suppose we may
as well give him a try.

Hey, you, whatever your name is.

-Lurcio, madam.
-Yes, yes.

Well, now, you say that you've had
acting experience.

Yes. Oh, masses of it. Yes.

-On stage?
-Oh, yes. I've had it off, too.

In the open air.

Well, how would you like the opportunity
of playing opposite the great Hermione tonight?

Oh, well. This is my big chance. My big chance.
Well, I...

Well, I... I suppose I might consider it.

Well, I mean,
if you don't think I should overshadow you.

Though, I don't think
I could completely overshadow you.

Well, we shall soon see.

-Soon see? Oh.
-You can read this scene with me.

You'll find the masks on the table.

-Masks?
-Yes, it's a masked drama.

-You have played in masks, I presume.
-Oh, yes, masks. Of course, of course. Masks.

-Yes, now, right.
-Now, you've just come back from the Punic Wars.

Punic. I see, yes.

You come into the house and you
find me, your wife, waiting for you.

Yes. Here we are, then.
Right. Here we go.

Oh, Electra, how good
it is to see you again.

-Wrong mask. You're pleased to see me.
-Wrong mask.

I'm pleased, yes. Yes.

Ah, Electra, how pleased
I am to see you again.

And I you, dear husband.

-How went the war?
-Oh, badly, we lost 10,000 men.

-Wrong mask.
-Wrong mask, yes.

-That's bad news.
-Of course it's bad news.

Yes. Badly. Badly.

We lost 10,000 men.

Never mind, dear husband.
You, at least, are home again.

Yes, and we can be happy
and merry together.

-Wrong mask!
-Wrong mask! All right.

That's supposed to be good news.

Good news. Oh, dear.

I can... We can be...
Oh, that's bitter cold, those.

I must put some knickers
on for the next one.

Listen, erm...

Now, for goodness sake,
try and get some expression into it!

How can I get expression into it with
my face hidden behind this bloody thing?

I mean, it's ridiculous.

It's like trying to make love
with boxing gloves on.

Oh, you idiot, you're just wasting time.

Ah, get away.

Thespian bag.

Let me work on him for a bit.
I'm sure he can do it.

Oh, very well, then.
But you're just wasting your time.

The man's a complete idiot.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Oh, she's a miserable cow.

No, she is. Just because she's got
the biggest part in the play.

And she has, too. She has. By far.

She was one of the lays
of ancient Rome, she was.

-Right, now.
-Yes.

Let's see what we can do, shall we?

Oh, yes, thank you. I'm all for that.
Yes, thank you very much.

My name's Hernia, by the way.

Hernia. Oh, yes.

My young master wrote an ode about you.

Hernia, yes.
You're the one with the wondrous, great...

Oh, you've changed, haven't you?

He should have been looking
for a rhyme for acorns.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm looking for Miss Hernia.

Well, you'll just have to wait there.
She's busy in there with someone.

There. You look much better now.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
I like the plunging neckline.

I do like a good plunge, don't you? Don't you?
It shows my tibia. Look. Look. Ah!

I mustn't inflame you.

-Now, this is the scene where you find out...
-Yeah.

-...that I, your only daughter...
-Daughter.

-...poisoned your wife...
-Wife.

-...and drowned the baby I had by your father...
-Father.

-...and so you strangle me to death.
-Yes.

I see. A pantomime. I see.

Right, now. On with the drama.
Now, I come over here, do I?

Oh, you slut!

-You slut, you are.
-Oh, Father.

-What?
-Why do you look like that?

-Have I done something to offend you?
-Yes, you have. You have.

Yes, you have shamed our house.

-Oh, father.
-Never mind. And you shall be punished.

HERNIA: But I beg your forgiveness.
LURCIO: You shall not be forgiven.

-Slut. Shameful slut.
-Oh, don't kill me.

Stop it! Stop it!
Take your hands off my Hernia.

Wait a minute.
This is not in the script.

-Lurcio. What are you doing?
-Swelling.

I don't understand.
How could you use a poor maiden, so?

We're rehearsing a play scene, you idiot.
Oh, get out, you fool, get out.

Oh, what have I done?
She'll never look at me again.

I've burned my bridges.

I daren't tell you what
I've done to my britches.

Oh, dear. Oh, look.

-Oh.
-You poor, poor thing.

Poor, poor thing. Yes.

-Yes.
-Can I do something for you?

Well, you could have done, before.
I don't feel up to it now.

Let me kiss it better.

-Pardon?
-Let me kiss it better.

Better than who? Oh, I see. Yes. Ah!

-Where is it? Can I put a poultice on it?
-What?

And ruin me prospects?
I should say so.

I'll get Hermione.
She'll know what to do with it.

I'd rather have the poultice.

Hermione!

Hermione!

Oh, dear, where is she?

-Yes, who is it?
-It's I, Ammonia.

Oh, dear. Oh, it's my mistress, Ammonia.

If she finds me here,
she'll have me drawn and quartered.

I don't mind being drawn,
but the drawings of me are appalling.

I'm coming in.

Oh, dear, dear, Cuspidor. I'm here.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Yes.

-Aren't you please to see me, then?
-Yes.

-No. Yes, yes, yes.
-Oh, yes. That's better.

Oh, Cuspidor.
I thought you'd found another love.

No, no.

You remember that wonderful night, then?

Yes, yes.

With my twin sister.
Do you remember what we said?

Yes, no.

Oh, Cuspidor, I can't bear it any longer.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Oh, please. Look, oh, dear.

She's got me all mask about face.

Oh, excuse me. Is it... Can it be?

-Hermione.
-That's right. And you are?

Ludicrus Sextus, your ardent admirer.

Oh.

Well, yes, you haven't changed a teeny bit.

Nor have you.

You're just as I remembered you.

Only more so.

And you, too.

(MUTTERING) Only less so.

Oh, I can't bear it any longer.
I beg of you, kiss me. Kiss me.

No, don't. Oh, my. Oh, madam!

Oh, my. Madam.

You're flattening my scabbard.
Please.

Great jumping Jupiter.
My wife's voice.

What's going on here?

-Ammonia.
-Oh!

You low-down swine.

How dare you take advantage
of my wife like this?

God help us!

I don't get a penny extra
for this, you know.

We've been rehearsing this for a week
and no stand-in, I'm black and blue.

Oh, stop it. Stop it.
Get away from him.

-Stop it, you silly old fool.
-Silly old fool?

Yes. Silly old fool!

While, since we're being
honest with each other,

goodbye, you fat, old bag.

Oh, you poor, dear man.

Now, then, you come on over here.

(LURCIO WHIMPERING)

There, there.

Now, then, are you
comfortable like that?

Oh, yes. I always like two pillows.

Where am I?

Is that you, Mother?

No, it isn't Mother.

Well, it can't be Father, surely.

-Oh, no.
-There, there, now.

Now, how do you feel?

I shall be better when I get
this heavy weight off my mind.

Never mind.
Hermione will look after you.

Hermione, you faithless fornicator!

So this is what you do when
my back is turned? Get out.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

Wait a minute. Wrong mask. Go.

Oh, no. Oh, dear.

Oh, no. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

An actor's life is not for me. From now
on I shall stick to doing the prologue.

That reminds me. The prologue.
We didn't finish it.

Oh, there we are.
Oh, it's no warmer, this seat, now.

Never mind. The prologue.

Medusa of the Gorgons. Now, are you
still there, dear? Are you there?

You're all right, are you?
Yes. Shan't keep you waiting now long.

Now, you're on, now. Any minute now.
Right. Now, Medusa and the Gorgons.

Woe, woe and thrice woe!

The time has come, the end is here.

Oh, no, it can't be yet. Surely.

-Yes.
-Oh, not yet.

Surely. What a pity.

I mean, after that poor, old soul
waiting all this time.

Oh, well.

Well, no, it's not right.

I'm sorry, dear. We'll have
to leave it for another week, now.

You see? Go back to the Po.
There's a dear.

No.

No. Listen. I wish you could
have seen her snakes, then,

because they were hissing
like mad. They were.

I'm glad I didn't bring her on, now.
I wouldn't like you all to get hissed.

Oh, well, never mind.
Perhaps we'll see her again.

Anyway, till next week, salute.
Thank you very much. Bye.