All language subtitles for Up Pompeii - 01x02 - T1he Ides of March

All right, all right, all right.
I'm going to clean them. All right.

If there's anything I hate, it's lamp-cleaning.
I do, I loathe lamp-cleaning.

They get on my wick.

What a start. Well, they are.

Well, really, honestly.
The lamps, flaming things.

Anyway, there we are.

Well, greetings, citizens.

The prologue. The prologue.

Now, our story this week
concerns Leda and the swan.

Leda and the swan.
Now, this is taken from the Greek.

And it came to pass,

that once upon a time, there was
a beautiful maiden named Leda. Leda.

And also a god, a god called Zeus.

And this was the number one god,
which was marvellous, really,

'cause the week before he was only number 16.

It was a marvellous,
fantastic rise in the charts.

And this god, Zeus, looked down on earth
and he saw this maiden, Leda,

and he fancied her, see?

So he said, "Right."
He said, "I will go down to Earth"...

He...

Are you expecting anybody?

-Psst!
-Pardon?

-Psst!
-I am not.

I haven't touched a drop, I swear it.

(WHISPERING) Is this the house
of Senator Ludicrus Sextus?

-Yes, that's the house of...
-Shh!

-Well, you said, "Is that the house of"...
-Shh!

Well, what's all the shh?

That must be you-know-who.

Anyway, this prologue.
Now, this god, Zeus, came down to Earth,

and he came in search of this girl, Leda,
and he was dressed as a swan.

Now, don't ask me why,

but, well, I suppose he was, you know, he was...
He wanted a bit of swan-upping.

Swan-upping, you see. That... Well, that sport...
That's a sport that gets swans down.

You see? Swans down.

Oh, it's gonna be a battle tonight. Come on.

Pull yourself together now.

Now, anyway, the...

-Psst!
-We've done that gag.

-Tit-tit!
-Oh, we haven't done that.

-Is this the house of Ludicrus Sextus?
-Yes, that's the house of...

-Shh!
-Well, you said, "Is that the house of"...

Shh!

And you, remember the three wise monkeys

and keep your counsel.

Yes, and you remember
the three brass monkeys...

and keep out of the draught.

What a funny man, isn't he?
What's going on in there?

Anyway, the prologue. Anyway,

this Zeus, this god dressed as a swan,
was waddling round the town,

looking for Leda, you see.

Hence the expression "take me to your Leda".

Anyway, it was an...

Woe, woe and thrice woe!

We shall never finish the prologue
at this rate, will we?

Death, destruction and doom!

Oh, dear, isn't she a misery? She's a...

This is... No, this is Senna, the soothsayer.

Senna. And I might say,
a little of her goes a long way.

-What's the matter, love?
-Beware the Ides of March.

-Pardon?
-Beware the Ides of March!

Oh. Oh, I will. I promise you, I will.

I had a visitation during the night.

Yeah, I thought you looked
a bit washed out today.

Well, she shouldn't do it.
See, you're past that.

-Murder will be done this day!
-Murder?

Woe, woe and thrice woe!

Oh, go, go and thrice go, dear.

Oh, honestly, she's a real misery. She puts
the mockers on you, doesn't she? She really does.

Now, the prologue.

Now, this god, Zeus, was wandering around
looking for Leda, you see, dressed as a swan,

and he caught up with her,

and they sort of got together, you know.

And... Don't ask me how,
but... The mind boggles.

Anyway, the result of this strange union,
was Leda laid an egg.

Just as I'm doing with this prologue.
Anyway, this...

-Is this the house of Ludicrus Sex...?
-Psst. Ludicrus what?

Doesn't know his part.
Don't know who you're looking for?

-Ludicrus...
-Ludicrus Sextus.

That's right. It's the sex part
that's upset you, isn't it?

-Psst. Psst!
-Oh, thank you.

Other way. That's it.

There's something going on in there.

I'd like to know what it is, wouldn't you?
Yes, I would.

Excuse me.
Let's go and... Let's see what's going on.

Something's going on in here.

Ooh, look. Ooh, look.

Oh, look. There's a board meeting.

And there's no board more bawdy
than that lot, I'll tell you.

Gentlemen, let us get down to business.

(LAUGHING)

No, no, no, no. The conspiracy.

Oh, yes, very well.
Run along my darlings, outside,

but keep your meters running.

That kinky old devil.
Now that's my master, Ludicrus Sextus,

the one with the maxi toga, there, you see.

But this is our chance, Ludicrus.

Caesar may never visit Pompeii again.
We must assassinate him.

-But he is our emperor. We must...
-Shh!

But just tell me why he must be killed.

The gods have decreed it.
He is ruining our beloved country.

He is courting disaster abroad.

And besides, why should all the fun things
always happen in Rome?

He must be assassinated here.

-Yes, I daresay, but...
-Shh!

Shh. Oh, let's get away from here. Get away.
We mustn't get mixed up in any nasty business.

Oh, no. Assassination of Caesar?
Mind you, it can't be wondered at,

because he's been the ruination of the country,
you know, Caesar. Oh, the ruination!

I mean, what with the wage-freeze
and the purchase tax.

Well, it's true.

I mean, now I hear they're even putting
curbs on pavements.

You see, if you try to do anything subtle,
they don't see it. It's not worth it.

The prologue.

Now, Leda laid this egg.

Now, it burst and out popped two twins,

'cause it was a double yolk. Ha!

Two twins, and they were called...

Well, one was called Castor,

and the other... Listen. Castor.

And what was the other called?

Pollux.

Castor and Pollux.

Castor, he was... He was a bit oily, but...

And as for Pollux, well...

the less said about him the better.

Now, the thing was,

these twins were distinctive,
because they were laid.

Laid and not born.

Lurcio! Lurcio!

Talking of being laid.

That's my mistress, Ammonia.
Now, there's a funny woman.

What? She's always at it. Always at it.
I should say so.

Well, round here they call her Sunrise.

Call her Sunrise
because a night never passes without it.

-Oh, mistress.
-Lurcio, Lurcio, oh, there you are.

Hurry, quickly. I want you.

Oh, you see, if it's not one thing,
it's the other.

No, it isn't the other.

-Well, this is far more serious, Lurcio.
-Oh.

I have just heard a fantastic plot.

Oh, good. Well, tell it to us.
We need it this week, don't we?

My husband and three other senators
are planning to assassinate Caesar.

Assassinate Caesar? Psst!

-No, they're not.
-Oh, we...

We've done that gag.

No, no, Lurcio. I don't want my husband,
Ludicrus Sextus, mixed up in this sort of thing.

-No.
-You must go in there and, er...

Oh, dear, dear, dear,
what is the word I'm looking for?

-Stop?
-Ah, that's right.

Yes, you must go in there and stop him.

You see? "Stop." That's a word she
hasn't used since she was a teenager.

I can't go in there, mistress.
I must do the prologue about Leda and the swan.

I don't care about Leda and a swan.
This is far more important.

Meanwhile, I shall go and try and warn Caesar,
just as soon as I get dressed.

Ooh, yes.

Hello. It must be serious
if she's gonna get dressed.

Now, well, look, I'd better go in there,
better do as she wants.

Will you be all right here on your own?
You'll be all right, will you?

Make the cocoa or something.
I shan't keep you long.

Very well then, gentlemen,
but who shall strike the first blow?

-One good thrust should be enough.
-Yes, but who?

-Let us draw for the honour.
-Good. Good idea.

Now, master, master,
excuse the protrusion.

No, no, no, not now, Lurcio.
We are in the midst of big discussions.

-Oh.
-Bring straws.

-Pardon?
-Straws.

Oh. Cheese or savoury?

No, no, Lurcio, the sort
we use for drawing lots.

Oh, yeah... Ah, well, yes. You left those
last night up in the handmaiden's room,

in Soppia's room, you know,
when you were deciding whose turn it was.

-Don't you remember?
-Oh, tut, tut, tut!

What are you tutting for, master?
You won, didn't you?

-Straws.
-Straws, yes, master. Yes, master.

Now, come on, my young master.
It won't hurt you.

No, no, Soppia. You must be good.

Oh, but I am good. You can ask
any of the fellows round here. Come on.

Soppia! Soppia, please.
Leave him alone, the young master.

I know where he hasn't been. Please, now.

Find your straws and get out.

I've still got them on.

Straws, not drawers.

Oh, she is common. She really is.

-Oh, you mean those straws. They're here.
-Yeah, straws.

-Yes. Now, come on, then.
-There you are. You having another raffle?

-Another what?
-Another raffle.

Yes, and this time you aren't the prize,
so don't bother.

Oh, dear, poor soul.

What a weight to have
to carry around all day.

Night as well, come to that.

Er, yes. Oh, these are seething hot.
She must have been lithing on them.

Lithing on! These are seething hot.
She must have been lying on them.

I don't understand her, Lurcio.
She's such a strange girl.

Yes, she is strange all right.

I've always had this feeling
that she wanted something from me.

Oh, really. Oh! Oh, yes?

-And then this...
-Well, I've got a feeling,

if I didn't come in when I did,
she'd have got it.

Then this morning, I suddenly realised
what it was that she wanted.

Oh? Ha, yes.

-So I came straight to her room...
-Did you? And did you give it to her?

Yes. I put it under the pillow.

-It's an ode.
-An ode?

-Oh, we might have known.
-I wrote it this morning.

Did you? An ode. Oh.

An ode. "An Ode to Soppia."
Such a pretty name.

"I knew not what she wanted of me

Till I thought this morn, I thunk up."

Get ready. Get ready.

"'Tis clear that all she really wants
Is a pure and simple friendship."

-That doesn't rhyme.
-No.

-I just thought of one.
-No, that's enough.

Let's go, before the phone calls
start coming in.

Very well, gentlemen.
There is only one thing to decide.

Who shall have the honour to draw first?

-Let us draw for it.
-So be it.

Well, then, only remains one decision.

Who shall have the honour of drawing first
to decide who shall draw first?

Oh, enough of this shilly-shallying.
We will have only one draw.

He who has the longest straw
shall do the deed.

A very good idea. Yes. Lurcio! Lurcio!

-The straws, the straws.
-Master, here I am, master.

-I've got the straws.
-Oh, let us draw, then.

-There's the straws.
-I've got a short one.

So have I.

-I have a short one.
-I also.

They're very modest,
these Romans, aren't they?

Then who has the long one?

Well...

I have. I'm holding it here in my hand.

So be it. It is the decision of the gods.

-You shall be the one.
-Oh, good. The one to what?

To plunge a dagger into
Caesar's foul black heart.

(SPUTTERING)

-Oh, but I...
-Yes.

ALL: Plunge a dagger into
Caesar's foul black heart.

(STAMMERING) Oh, I can't...

-You refuse this honour?
-I certainly refuse.

Don't be so foolish, Lurcio.
This is your chance to achieve fame.

Your name will go down to history.

Everywhere you go, you will be pointed out
as the man who plunged the dagger

-into Caesar's foul black heart.
-(IMITATING LUDICRUS) Foul black heart.

No, I don't like being pointed at.

-Well, then, honours will be heaped upon you.
-No, I don't like heaps.

-You'll move in high places.
-I loathe heights.

Women will throw themselves
at you in gratitude.

-Where's the dagger?
-Here.

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, I can't do it, can I?

After all, I'm the hero, aren't I, of this?
I can't do anything nasty. No, I won't.

I refuse to do this dastardly deed.

Then you will be thrown to the lions.

Thrown to the lions? Well...

Well, I suppose if I must thrust, I must.
It's either thrust or bust.

You'll find Caesar at the Senate building.
He has rooms there.

Well, what does he look like? I've never
seen him before. What does he look like?

What? Do you mean to say
you've never seen Caesar?

-No, master.
-Why, he's... Well, he's got...

Well, come to think of that,
I've never seen him myself.

-Nor I.
-Nor I.

Nor I. He never had a bust.

Oh, he's flat-chested. I see.

Oh, it ought to be quite simple to pick him out.
They say he's a fine figure of a man,

handsome of face, noble of bearing,

and every inch a Caesar.

Hear now the wise words of Plautus.

Not for nothing was Julius Caesar known
as the twelve-inch ruler.

AMMONIA: I must see Caesar right away.
It is a matter of life and death.

Are you the mighty Caesar?

No, I am Ponderous,
general to the mighty Caesar,

-and what do you want?
-I must see Caesar immediately.

Impossible. He's getting ready to meet
the senators of Pompeii.

I cannot. I tell you, I must see him at once.

-He... He's in the bathroom.
-Do you know who you're speaking to?

It is a matter of life and death
that I see the mighty Caesar.

What is all this noise?

Cannot mighty Caesar spend a drachma in peace?

By the way, it's me again.
I'm playing two parts, now, you see?

What? Laurence Olivier? Are you kidding?

I should get an Oscar for this.

-What giveth out there?
-Keep her in here.

-It's just a woman, O Caesar.
-Yes?

Frantic for a glimpse of your noble features.
I'll get rid of her.

No, no! Don't, don't!
Don't. Bring her in at once.

-One never knows one's luck. Bring her in.
-But mighty Caesar,

-the senators wait without.
-Well, let them wait.

Caesar has been without ever since he left Rome.

Yes, I do understand,

but these are delicate matters.
We must be discreet.

-You know how women talk.
-Well, I know how they used to. I used to know.

But after six months of warring...

"Warring."

W-A-R-R-I-N-G.

You see, if you try to keep it clean,
they won't let you.

After six months of warring, I've forgotten
how they look, let alone how they talk.

-Very well, O Caesar. I will bring her in.
-Yes, and quickly.

Otherwise mighty Caesar will descend upon you
from a great height.

Very well, woman. Caesar will see you now.

Oh, mighty Caesar,
I have come to warn you of the danger.

You are mighty Caesar, aren't you?

Yes, of course I am.
What do you think this is, Scotch mist?

That face. It is so familiar.
Who does he remind me of?

But never mind. What a man.

Handsome of face, noble of bearing,
and every inch a Caesar.

What a woman.

Attractive of face, ample of bearing,

and every inch a scrubber.

Methinks mighty Caesar will finally score.

Oh, Caesar!

Woman, you spake of danger
to mighty Caesar's life.

-Why sayeth you thus so?
-Yes, why sayeth you thus so?

I did not say thus so.

Well, someone said thus so.

Otherwise we shouldn't all be saying
"Why sayeth you thus so?" Try again.

I said, I have come to warn you
that your life is in danger.

And I said, "Why sayeth you thus so?"

Yes, and I said, "Why sayeth you thus so?"

Thus so, I sayeth thus.

Do not adjust your set.

There is a fault in the script.

Oh, Caesar, I overheard
a plot to assassinate you.

-I beg of you, leave Pompeii at once.
-Leave Pompeii?

You must be mad. They love me here.
They love me.

But, madam, since you are so interested
in my life, my life story,

I will tell it to you,
my whole life story, everything,

leaving no asterisk...

unturned.

-Oh, mighty Caesar, I shall enjoy that.
-Mmm. Yes.

Well, while I'm telling you the tale,

why not slip into something more comfortable?

For instance, bed.

Oh, mighty Caesar, it is a great honour
that you do me.

Hear now the wit and wisdom of Plautus.

It is a well-known fact that in those days
the ladies of Rome considered it

a great honour to be done.

Oh, Ponderous, in the words of
the Persian carpet salesman, you may beat it.

Madam, will you come this way?
Would you care to recline?

(CAESAR GROWLING)

She spake of a plot on Caesar's life.

-I wonder, is this possible?
-Beware the Ides of March!

Beware the Ides of March!

The Ides of March! Of course.
Caesar's life is indeed in danger.

The oracles have foretold it.
I must think of a plan to save him.

Oh, no, don't, please. Oh, put me down.

-Now, what is that noise?
-Please put me down.

We found this slave lurking
around the Senate, General.

Yes, well, you see, I was waiting
for a number 14 chariot.

-And he was carrying this.
-Well, I was only doing me nails.

I mean I was...

I knew it. One of Caesar's would-be assassins.
Take him away. Execute him.

Oh, no, don't, please. Don't, don't.
Don't execute me, please.

I'll be good. It wasn't my fault. I...

-All right.
-I haven't finished yet.

Hours to go yet of this.
Well, it's my big scene, this.

Please don't let me die!

(WAILING) I'm too young to die! Too young!

I'm too young... Nobody goes to sleep
when I'm on, I'll tell you that.

Oh, I'm too young!

Oh, I'm pleading with you. I'm pleading.

Can you not plead better than that, fool?

Oh, no, I'm a miserable pleader.

Take him away. Nay! Stay your hand.

Yes, stay your hand.

That face.

That voice.

That figure.

-It gives me ideas.
-Oh, no. I'd rather be executed.

Leave us.

Kids, this is the time to get the
parents to bed. Get the parents to bed.

It is a great likeness that he doth
bear to Caesar. I will sound him further.

-Now, then, miserable slave.
-Yes?

How would you like to save the life
of the mighty Caesar?

-Oh, yes, I like that. Yes. Save the life. Yes, yes.
-Mmm-hmm.

Well, simply, you take his place
when he makes his public appearance.

-Oh, yes.
-Caesar's place.

-Yes. Yes.
-Then, when the assassins strike,

-Caesar will live...
-Ah, that's good.

-...and you will die.
-Oh, that's bad.

-Take off your clothes.
-Pardon?

-Put these on.
-Oh, dear.

-He had me worried again for a moment.
-Put these on. They're Caesar's.

-Caesar's? I'm not wearing those.
-Put these on. They are Caesar's.

-I will not wear Caesar's clothes.
-Guards! Throw him to the lions.

What a pretty colour.

-You can change behind there.
-Right. No peeking, now.

Oh, mighty Caesar, how wonderful
to feel your strong arms around me.

(SIGHING)

Your lithe body pressed close to mine,

your capable hands caressing me,

your rugged knees entwined...

CAESAR: Won't be long.

-Oh, mighty Caesar.
-CAESAR: I shan't be a second.

How wonderful to feel your rugged knees
entwined with mine,

your capable hands caressing me...

All right.

-AMMONIA: Ah, your beautiful, big feet...
-Just a second.

Nearly lost me cluster. I'm all right.

(SIGHING)

Ah, be mine. Be mine.

Oh, your lips.
Your lips are like ripe cherries.

Your throat is like a swan's.

Your shoulders are like... Wait a minute!

Your shoulders are like the Venus de Milo.

Your bosoms are like the round hills of Rome.

-Ooh, what of my eyes?
-I'm not going that way, I'm sorry.

Oh, my darling.

-Be mine, be mine.
-Oh, do you really think we ought to?

Well, may as well. It's bitter out, I mean...

Well...

Well, it'll pass an hour.

-An hour?
-Yes, thirty minutes each way.

That's all. That's the end of that scene.

(GIGGLING AND MOANING)

Aren't they nosey?

Do you mind, please?

(PANTING)

Oh, my!

(EXCLAIMING)

Don't!

Oh, damn mosquitoes.

Come, slave. Hurry.

You must have finished changing by now.

Come, slave, hurry.
You must have finished changing by now.

Come, slave.
By now, changing, finished, you must.

"There is a breathless hush in the Close tonight

An hour to play and the last man in
There's a bumping pitch and a blinding light

His captain's hand on his shoulder smote."

Hurry up, hurry up...

-Well, how do I look?
-'Tis amazing.

-Yes.
-An incredible likeness.

-I find it difficult to believe.
-Yes, I thought you might.

Hope you can believe it.
Well, you must try and force yourselves,

'cause it's important to the play
that you can remember exactly who I am

all through the whole play, you understand?
Exactly who I am, and all the time.

-Who am I now?
-You have done well, slave.

Oh, that's right, slave. I'm the slave
disguised as Caesar, you understand?

-Now, you must stay here...
-Yes.

...while I shall go
to inform Caesar of our plan.

-Caesar. Must you go?
-I must.

Oh, dear, I'll have to pop
behind the screen again, now.

I forgot to adjust my dress before leaving.
I shan't be... Excuse me.

Oh, Caesar, this is a lovely game.
I am enjoying it.

Yes, it's much better than swapping senators.

(GIGGLING)

Yes, it's a lovely game, Caesar, and so good
for the figure. What do you call it?

CAESAR: Keep going! Hurry up. I shan't be long.

Keep going, keep going. Oh, how original.

Yes, Caesar, oh, it is a lovely game.
Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!

Oh, yes, here we go, here we go.

Oh, Caesar, what a lovely game.
What do you call it?

Ben-Hur.

-Ben-Hur?
-Yes. You're Ben-Her, I'm Ben-Him.

Oh, mighty Caesar... Now where is he?

-I'm down here.
-Oh, Caesar,

-I must speak to you at once.
-Now, later, later.

-This is something that will not keep.
-What do you think this will, then?

-I beseech you.
-Eh?

Oh, all right.
Would you mind dismounting, madam?

I'm getting a bit of saddle rash.

What do you want, Ponderous?

I must speak to you at once, O Caesar.
The bathroom?

-Pardon?
-A bathroom. We must have one.

You speak for yourself.

-A conference.
-Oh, a conference. Yes, yes, I understand. Right.

Goodbye, my fairest one.
If I'm not back in five minutes, start without me.

All right? Yes. All right then.

(TIRED PANTING)

Oh, this is ridiculous, isn't it? I mean, it's stupid.

When I said I'd do it...
I'm flogging myself to death here.

The BBC said it would all be done with mirrors.

Can't see a mirror in the place, can you?
No mirror.

Don't know what they spend
their bloody money on, I tell you.

It's not on the actors, I'll tell you that.

Well, now, where were we? The drama.

Where are... General... Where's he gone?

-MAN: Behind you.
-Eh?

-MAN: Behind you.
-Behind you? What, in here?

-MAN: In there!
-General, are you here?

-Oh, mighty Caesar, what kept you so long?
-Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-Ammonia, my mistress.
-Mistress did you say?

Oh, how thrilling! I, Ammonia of Pompeii,
mighty Caesar's mistress. Oh, thank you!

Get up. Please, get up.

-No, I am your slave.
-Oh, and I, dear heart, am yours.

-No, please!
-Come, let us continue with our game.

-Well... Game, uh...
-Yes.

What shall I do? Shall I tell her? Yes.

I'll tell her the truth.
I'll throw myself on her mercy.

Oh, mistress, I have been a naughty slave.

-Do with me what you will.
-Oh, that's right.

You're the horse, and I'm taking you
to the stable for your oats.

Oats? Madam, no, not now.

-Your husband may find out.
-My husband? What means you?

My master, Ludicrus Sextus.

Who told you his name? Oh, I am betrayed.

My husband must know the whole story.

I'm glad somebody does.

'Cause I don't...
I can't make head or tail of it, can you?

PONDEROUS: Be ruled by me, O Caesar.

Have I ever failed you in the past?

'Tis a good plan, O Caesar.

CAESAR: An excellent plan, Ponderous. Go to it.

See? Is that marvellous, isn't it?

You see, you didn't know
I was a ventriloquist, did you?

Well, I'm not. That was recorded beforehand.

PONDEROUS: Thank you, O Caesar.
I will go immediately.

Now, if he comes out with Caesar now,
we've had it.

-Ah, come, slave. You have done well.
-Thank you.

Caesar has approved our plan.
We must go to meet the people.

Slave? Why is he calling mighty Caesar a slave?

I thought he looked familiar.
If that was our slave Lurcio,

then Caesar must still be in the bathroom.

Caesar? Caesar!

Oh, dear. Here we go again. Excuse me.

Caesar, I know you're in there.
Come out immediately,

or I shall come in and get you.

Ah, there you are, at last.

Wait a minute. I've got the wrong toga on.
Wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute. Put this here.
Well, don't push.

This is embarrassing, isn't it?

Come here.

What do you think this is, an audition?
Get back in there.

Keep going!

Ah, there you are, at last.

(PANTING) Yes. Oh, I haven't got me cluster.
I forgot me cluster.

Honestly, this is too much for one man.

-Where's me cluster?
-MAN: Behind you!

-Eh?
-Behind you!

-Here you are, you fool.
-Oh.

Dear, oh, dear.

Wasn't that clever, that? You notice that?

Marvellous, isn't it? Clever trick.

I bet you're wondering how it was done.

I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to tell you.

But it's a very good thing my mother
bears such a strong resemblance to me.

Now, let me see. Where are we now? We've...

I was over there, and then the straws,
and there was the knickers,

the wrong...

We had a horse, oats...

Done... That's right, yes.

I'm Caesar.

Oh, be mine, be mine.

Oh, no, no. It cannot be, my husband knows all.
I am undone.

I know. I was the one who undid you. I know that.

LUDICRUS: Lurcio, Lurcio! Where are you?

Oh, it is my husband!

-Your husband?
-Lurcio! Lurcio!

Lurcio, where are you?

Oh, excuse me. I was looking for the...

-Lurcio!
-Lurcio?

I am Caesar, mighty Caesar.

Vile and treacherous slave!
Is this what you do behind my back?

No, I'm Caesar. I'm Caesar in this.

Lurcio has the brown toga.
I've got the red one. Caesar.

Oh, I tell you, mighty Caesar,
he thinks you're his slave, Lurcio.

Oh, Lurcio! Lurcio!

Oh, dear. He's a silly old fool. He really is.

I know not what you're doing here
dressed like that,

but you were closeted with my wife,

-and my honour must be avenged!
-Seize him!

No, no, no, please, I beg you!

This is a private matter
between me, my wife and my slave.

You call trying to assassinate
the mighty Caesar a private matter?

The mighty Caesar? It can't be.

Of course he is the mighty Caesar. You are.

-Aren't you?
-Yes, I am.

Of course he is. Lurcio went out of that one,
and Caesar came in that one.

No, no, no. I was talking to Lurcio in there,
and Caesar went out that way.

No, he couldn't have done,
because I came in that way.

Wait. Do you mind, please? Oi!

Look, I know who Caesar is. I'm playing the parts.

I ought to know who I am.

I am Caesar.

Oh, then, mighty Caesar,
I'm indeed sorry I threatened your life,

but I truthfully thought that
you were my slave, Lurcio.

Well, he looks exactly like him.

The mighty Caesar look like a slave?
Rubbish.

Oh, he does, you know...

(ALL ARGUING)

-Silence!
-Yes, he does!

Beltus uppus.

Mighty Caesar look like a slave?

Bring this slave Lurcio to me here now.

Let us confront each other face to face.

Caesar.

Oh, God, what have I said?

Master, master!

LUDICRUS: That's him coming now.

Leave him there!

Leave him there! Don't bring him in!
Oh, no, don't bring him in.

Think how it will spoil my image

if a slave had the glorious face of a Caesar.

It is a well-known fact
that all the Caesars were two-faced.

Oh, what a day.

What a day.

Never again.

Anyway, it all worked out all right in the end.

Caesar forgave Ludicrus
for trying to assassinate him,

and Ludicrus forgave Caesar
for trying to nobble his wife,

and they all went round the corner afterwards
and had a nice quiet drink, you know.

It was all very nice.

The only thing was, of course, that Caesar

never got to meet the senators of Pompeii.

Just as well because...
Ah, now, it's very funny.

See, he'd forgotten. He had a do on that night
in Rome. He'd forgotten all about it, you see.

A meeting. It was at
the Ides of March, you see,

and he'd arranged
to meet his pals in Rome,

like Brutus and Cassius,
and all that lot, you see.

Anyway, they all lived happily ever after.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the prologue.

Woe, woe and thrice woe!

The time has come! The end is here!

Oh, thank goodness,
I thought she'd never get here.

Well, believe me, I'm absolutely frazzled.

I am frazzled. That's the word.

Well, no. No, no.

No, no. Would you like to see my frazzle?

Would you?

All right. Next week. Salute. Next week.