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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,501 --> 00:00:18,668 Isn't this nice? 2 00:00:19,501 --> 00:00:21,334 No better time of year. 3 00:00:22,293 --> 00:00:27,543 You know, let me tell you one of my favorite Yuletide stories. 4 00:00:28,626 --> 00:00:30,793 'Twas the night before Christmas, 5 00:00:30,876 --> 00:00:32,918 and all through the town, 6 00:00:33,001 --> 00:00:37,626 the Avengers were fighting a brand-new superpower. 7 00:00:37,709 --> 00:00:39,876 The stockings were hung by the chimney... 8 00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:42,793 Well, not anymore. 9 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:43,918 Where's Thor? 10 00:00:51,668 --> 00:00:55,293 Oh, right. You're probably wondering who this guy is. 11 00:00:55,376 --> 00:00:57,918 Perhaps I should start a bit further back. 12 00:01:03,293 --> 00:01:04,334 Time. 13 00:01:07,751 --> 00:01:08,751 Space. 14 00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:11,501 Reality. 15 00:01:14,376 --> 00:01:16,168 It's more than a linear path. 16 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:25,543 It's a prism of endless possibility, 17 00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:31,584 where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities, 18 00:01:34,209 --> 00:01:37,168 creating alternate worlds from the ones you know. 19 00:01:41,084 --> 00:01:42,418 I am the Watcher. 20 00:01:44,543 --> 00:01:47,668 I am your guide through these vast new realities. 21 00:01:49,293 --> 00:01:52,959 Follow me and ponder the question... 22 00:01:56,501 --> 00:01:57,709 "What if?" 23 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,668 Okay, let's try this again. 24 00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:12,043 'Twas only two hours prior and the tower was not yet on fire. 25 00:02:12,126 --> 00:02:17,126 To the left, to the left. To the... No, too much left. Stop. Stop! 26 00:02:18,709 --> 00:02:21,001 Sparrow-1 to Puffin-2, do you copy? 27 00:02:21,084 --> 00:02:22,293 We have a code red down here. 28 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:25,418 Darcy, I told you, while JARVIS is being defragged, 29 00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:27,209 this line is for emergency use only. 30 00:02:27,293 --> 00:02:29,418 Please. Sparrow-1 on the comms, boss. 31 00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:31,876 And it's a total code red. The caterers are here, 32 00:02:31,959 --> 00:02:35,084 and all I'm seeing are cheese cubes and carrot sticks. 33 00:02:35,168 --> 00:02:37,418 Where's the showmanship? Where are the Kogi buns? 34 00:02:37,501 --> 00:02:40,209 Darcy, you wanna get college credit for this? Listen to me. 35 00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:42,376 This Avengers holiday gala is not my first rodeo. 36 00:02:42,459 --> 00:02:44,668 Fine, fine. Ten to the four, Puffin-2. 37 00:02:44,751 --> 00:02:47,293 Wait. Why am I a puffin? And a second puffin at that. 38 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,376 -Who's the first puffin? -Bernard in Accounting. 39 00:02:50,168 --> 00:02:51,501 Okay, that just hurts. 40 00:02:51,584 --> 00:02:55,626 I can offer you Turkey-1, Flamingo-6. Ooh, how about the Parakeet? 41 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:59,418 Wait. I have a better idea. A very special assignment just for you. 42 00:02:59,501 --> 00:03:01,376 -Maraschino cherries. We're running low, 43 00:03:01,459 --> 00:03:03,459 and Tony can't have a hot toddy without them. 44 00:03:03,543 --> 00:03:06,126 Oh, I didn't know people put cherries in hot toddies. 45 00:03:06,209 --> 00:03:07,751 Hey, you're trying to get rid of me. 46 00:03:07,834 --> 00:03:10,584 Just looking for a little peace on Earth, okay? Ow! 47 00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,793 $50 million, you can't watch where you're going? 48 00:03:12,876 --> 00:03:14,876 Everything under control? 49 00:03:14,959 --> 00:03:18,834 Director Hill. You're looking quite, uh, festive. 50 00:03:18,918 --> 00:03:21,543 Now that JARVIS has been shut down for maintenance... 51 00:03:21,626 --> 00:03:24,751 Oh, I wanna talk to you about that. I'd like to share a few messages 52 00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:26,334 about upgrading our threat matrix... 53 00:03:26,418 --> 00:03:28,751 Maybe you should leave that to the security professionals. 54 00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:30,418 But I am a security professional. 55 00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,709 -I need you to focus on tonight's party. 56 00:03:32,793 --> 00:03:35,001 Eagle-1, Eagle-1. You're needed in command. 57 00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,001 -On my way. -Eagle-1? 58 00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,376 This holiday party is vital, Mr. Hogan. 59 00:03:39,459 --> 00:03:42,793 After the year we've had, people need a reason to celebrate. 60 00:03:42,876 --> 00:03:45,001 I'm counting on you to pull it off. 61 00:03:45,084 --> 00:03:46,126 Yes, ma'am. 62 00:03:47,418 --> 00:03:48,418 -Hmm... 63 00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:50,834 Christmas playlist. 64 00:03:50,918 --> 00:03:55,626 Hanukkah playlist...That one Mariah Carey song on loop. Bingo! 65 00:03:57,001 --> 00:03:59,959 -And to all a good... 66 00:04:00,334 --> 00:04:02,501 -Sergei, you stepped on my line, buddy. 67 00:04:04,751 --> 00:04:10,043 Or maybe this is the story of how Justin Hammer stole Christmas. 68 00:04:10,376 --> 00:04:13,001 -After the corrupt defense contractor 69 00:04:13,084 --> 00:04:15,168 nearly blew up the Stark Expo, 70 00:04:15,918 --> 00:04:18,459 he found himself on the naughty list. 71 00:04:18,543 --> 00:04:21,876 With time to think, time to reflect, 72 00:04:22,293 --> 00:04:23,626 time to... 73 00:04:24,376 --> 00:04:26,459 ponder his future. 74 00:04:26,543 --> 00:04:32,709 Perhaps, in this universe, Justin Hammer had a little too much time. 75 00:04:38,168 --> 00:04:39,418 We're gonna die! 76 00:04:39,501 --> 00:04:41,209 Yo, Rusty, hand me that, would you? 77 00:04:41,293 --> 00:04:42,793 How'd they even get in here? 78 00:04:42,876 --> 00:04:45,293 The name is Rustam Leonid Vyacheslav. 79 00:04:45,376 --> 00:04:47,584 And that's exactly why we're sticking with Rusty. 80 00:04:48,751 --> 00:04:51,001 People, people, listen up. 81 00:04:51,084 --> 00:04:52,876 You stay calm, you stay quiet 82 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:56,418 and I guarantee that you'll be home for the holidays. 83 00:04:56,501 --> 00:05:00,418 -Hey, there's no crying on Christmas. 84 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,709 You know, when I was seven years old, 85 00:05:02,793 --> 00:05:05,793 I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun more than anything in the world. 86 00:05:05,876 --> 00:05:08,209 I begged my parents. I begged Santa for it. 87 00:05:08,293 --> 00:05:11,168 Accidentally got my tongue stuck on a telephone pole. 88 00:05:11,251 --> 00:05:13,584 Isn't that a classic movie? 89 00:05:13,668 --> 00:05:15,209 Yes, the one with the leg lamp. 90 00:05:15,293 --> 00:05:19,126 Hey, shut up. But I didn't get the BB gun that Christmas. Do you know why? 91 00:05:20,918 --> 00:05:25,293 'Cause this is America, and if you want something, you gotta take it. 92 00:05:30,543 --> 00:05:34,001 Oh, you unplug JARVIS for five minutes, the whole building collapses. 93 00:05:39,584 --> 00:05:40,584 Huh? 94 00:05:44,584 --> 00:05:45,584 Uh, boss? 95 00:05:45,709 --> 00:05:50,334 Relax. Reprogramming command protocols, setting new targets. 96 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,251 "All on site staff" sounds good to me. 97 00:05:52,334 --> 00:05:54,126 -What? 98 00:05:58,543 --> 00:06:01,584 Knock 'em dead, Johnny Fives. 99 00:06:01,959 --> 00:06:04,543 Good Queen Darcy last looked down 100 00:06:04,626 --> 00:06:08,793 On the feast of Steve Rogers When the snow lay on... 101 00:06:08,876 --> 00:06:11,459 "Eagle-1." 102 00:06:12,043 --> 00:06:13,043 Whoa. 103 00:06:13,543 --> 00:06:15,459 Okay, boys. -Hammer? 104 00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:19,334 Behind these doors is a gamma-radiated antigen serum. 105 00:06:19,418 --> 00:06:20,418 Hulk blood. 106 00:06:20,501 --> 00:06:23,001 -The amniotic fluid, so to speak... -Gross. 107 00:06:23,084 --> 00:06:26,709 ...that will birth the next superhero. Me. 108 00:06:26,793 --> 00:06:28,834 I'm already smarter than 10 Tony Starks 109 00:06:28,918 --> 00:06:32,293 and pretty soon I'll be stronger than 12 Captain Americas. 110 00:06:32,376 --> 00:06:34,626 So, let's get cracking. 111 00:06:34,709 --> 00:06:35,959 No problems. 112 00:06:36,043 --> 00:06:37,584 Dude, come on. What is this? 113 00:06:37,668 --> 00:06:39,168 You said you were a safecracker. 114 00:06:39,251 --> 00:06:41,084 Yes, and now I crack safe. 115 00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:45,834 I knew I should have gone with the Sokovian team. 116 00:06:45,918 --> 00:06:47,334 Hill. Hill, come in. 117 00:06:47,418 --> 00:06:50,626 -We got three hostiles in Tony's lab. -You'd think they'd raid the armory first. 118 00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:52,668 Tony's been messing around with Banner's blood, 119 00:06:52,751 --> 00:06:55,626 seeing if he can be the Hulk without the anger management issues. 120 00:06:55,709 --> 00:06:57,209 -Was he successful? -It's a process. 121 00:06:57,293 --> 00:06:58,293 I'm gonna head up. 122 00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:01,543 Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay, okay. 123 00:07:01,626 --> 00:07:04,043 Call me when you get the good stuff. 124 00:07:04,126 --> 00:07:07,251 Time for me to go and sit on Tony's throne. 125 00:07:07,334 --> 00:07:10,043 -I'm not gonna flush, if you get my drift. Oh. 126 00:07:10,126 --> 00:07:12,459 Yeah, it's Hammer. He's heading for Tony's bathroom. 127 00:07:12,543 --> 00:07:13,543 Oh. 128 00:07:13,626 --> 00:07:16,334 Hogan, can you secure the samples? -Yes. I think I have a way in. 129 00:07:16,418 --> 00:07:18,251 Good. 'Cause I've got Hammer. 130 00:07:21,001 --> 00:07:22,668 Right in the jingle bells. 131 00:07:22,751 --> 00:07:24,334 Ah! Ah! Whoa! 132 00:07:25,293 --> 00:07:26,626 Jesus. 133 00:07:26,709 --> 00:07:29,334 "Throw a holiday party. It'll be fun," Tony said. 134 00:07:29,418 --> 00:07:30,668 "What could go wrong?" 135 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,793 I told them the air vent would be a security issue, but no. 136 00:07:33,876 --> 00:07:35,543 Nobody listens to Happy. 137 00:07:41,793 --> 00:07:42,793 Mmm. 138 00:07:44,793 --> 00:07:47,334 Look at this bar! Oh, my goodness! 139 00:07:47,418 --> 00:07:48,459 I love it! 140 00:07:51,084 --> 00:07:52,668 Hands where I can see them, Hammer. 141 00:07:52,751 --> 00:07:54,293 Now surrender peacefully. 142 00:07:55,668 --> 00:07:58,668 Oh, the day you've been dreading has finally come. 143 00:07:58,751 --> 00:08:00,668 The day that you face off 144 00:08:00,751 --> 00:08:03,251 against Tony Stark's greatest adversary. 145 00:08:03,334 --> 00:08:06,418 "Greatest adversary"? What are you, a wealth tax? 146 00:08:07,751 --> 00:08:09,168 Nothing? 147 00:08:09,251 --> 00:08:10,668 Your technique is off. 148 00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,626 More strength in back. 149 00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:15,084 Less arms, more hips. 150 00:08:17,376 --> 00:08:18,918 Da, da, da. I get it now. 151 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,584 Okay, let's take a look. 152 00:08:25,334 --> 00:08:27,584 Where is it? Hulk blood, Hulk blood. 153 00:08:28,251 --> 00:08:30,293 Hulk blood. Hulk blood. 154 00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:32,043 Okay, just where is... 155 00:08:32,126 --> 00:08:33,876 Think... A little vial. 156 00:08:34,584 --> 00:08:36,584 Happy, find the Hulk blood, find the Hulk... No! 157 00:08:39,293 --> 00:08:41,043 Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that? 158 00:08:46,376 --> 00:08:49,418 Oh, got it. 159 00:08:49,501 --> 00:08:51,334 Stop. Your little jokes won't do 160 00:08:51,418 --> 00:08:53,376 much good against the master of tae kwon do, 161 00:08:53,459 --> 00:08:55,293 -jiujitsu and Muay Thai. -Switch the channel. 162 00:08:57,459 --> 00:08:58,459 That's right. 163 00:08:58,543 --> 00:09:01,251 -I learned prison-fighting techniques. -Oh, God. 164 00:09:01,334 --> 00:09:03,084 All on the prison yard. 165 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,334 Hmm, maybe a rat. 166 00:09:05,418 --> 00:09:08,043 You know what the most important thing I learned in lockup is? 167 00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:09,126 Enlighten me. 168 00:09:09,209 --> 00:09:11,418 Cheating is for winners. 169 00:09:14,543 --> 00:09:15,584 No, Maria! 170 00:09:15,668 --> 00:09:17,626 -Oh, whoa. 171 00:09:20,751 --> 00:09:23,709 Be a shadow. Be a shadow. Be a loose shadow. 172 00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,459 You guys can see me, right? 173 00:09:29,543 --> 00:09:30,834 Da, we see you. 174 00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:33,209 Boss, we have security guard. 175 00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:36,376 Clever. You thought you could distract the Hammer? 176 00:09:37,459 --> 00:09:40,209 Hey! Get back here. -Hulk blood. I just need the Hulk blood. 177 00:09:40,293 --> 00:09:42,376 Where will you run? 178 00:09:42,459 --> 00:09:45,251 Come on. What's a guy gotta do to find an epidural of Banner blood? 179 00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:46,543 Hulk... Huh? 180 00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:48,043 A confetti arrow? 181 00:09:48,126 --> 00:09:51,459 Come on, Tony. You booking Hawkeye out for birthday parties now? 182 00:09:51,543 --> 00:09:54,043 Hulk blood! Oh, yes! Bingo! 183 00:09:55,376 --> 00:09:58,209 All right. I should definitely be getting hazard pay for this. 184 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,293 Whoa! 185 00:10:02,376 --> 00:10:04,376 No! Why'd it do that? 186 00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,626 Step aside, my little elves. 187 00:10:11,793 --> 00:10:13,001 Oh, that's not good. 188 00:10:16,376 --> 00:10:17,543 Oh, that's not good. 189 00:10:17,626 --> 00:10:18,709 Hammer. 190 00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:21,751 Shoot him with all you've got. 191 00:10:22,126 --> 00:10:24,084 Whoa! 192 00:10:24,168 --> 00:10:26,334 There, there, there. Let's go. -Hey! Get back here! 193 00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:28,293 Oh, yeah, the things you learn working for a mad, 194 00:10:28,376 --> 00:10:30,251 over-caffeinated scientist. Incoming! 195 00:10:36,126 --> 00:10:39,543 Hey, stop, stop! Stop! You're gonna destroy the Hulk blood. 196 00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:40,876 What's the matter with you? 197 00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:43,918 Oh, that's useful. 198 00:10:44,459 --> 00:10:47,126 Screw what I said. Just get him. Now. 199 00:10:47,209 --> 00:10:49,209 Happy. Oh, my leg is broken. 200 00:10:49,293 --> 00:10:52,001 Yeah, that's okay. I might have enough leg for the both of us. 201 00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:54,126 Happy? Look, I'm counting on you. 202 00:10:54,209 --> 00:10:57,084 Is that him? Is that the fly in my super serum? 203 00:10:57,168 --> 00:10:59,459 -Stop Hammer. Save the tower. 204 00:10:59,543 --> 00:11:01,376 Maria! Maria! 205 00:11:01,459 --> 00:11:05,084 Oh, you got a big box of coal coming your way, missy. 206 00:11:05,168 --> 00:11:08,918 Cuff her. I'm sick of this chick roasting my chestnuts. 207 00:11:10,751 --> 00:11:14,668 Okay, it's all on me now. It's all on me now. 208 00:11:14,751 --> 00:11:17,668 Oh, it's all on me now. 209 00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:35,918 Okay, yes, there's no "I" in team. There's no "I" in team! 210 00:11:36,001 --> 00:11:37,459 -What? No, no, no! 211 00:11:43,126 --> 00:11:46,334 -Romanoff. Happy, not a great time. Natasha? Natasha! 212 00:11:46,418 --> 00:11:50,501 I'm being held at gunpoint by a former HYDRA agent with 17 kills. 213 00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,668 Eighteen kills. You forgot Nigeria. 214 00:11:52,751 --> 00:11:54,334 Oh, that was you? Show off. 215 00:11:54,418 --> 00:11:56,834 Uh... You want me to get you help? 216 00:11:56,918 --> 00:11:58,793 Oh, no, I've got this. See you at the party. 217 00:11:58,876 --> 00:12:02,043 -Yeah, she'll be fine. 218 00:12:02,126 --> 00:12:04,209 -Okay, Tony. Pick up, Tony, please. 219 00:12:04,293 --> 00:12:07,668 Perfect timing. Happy, can you tell Timmy here that a replica Cap shield 220 00:12:07,751 --> 00:12:09,418 is nothing but a patriotic Frisbee? 221 00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:10,918 -Tony, it's an emergency! -Whoa! 222 00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:13,501 Trouble here, too. Soccer moms are cornering Cap. Gotta go. 223 00:12:13,584 --> 00:12:15,251 -Tony. Tony! 224 00:12:17,293 --> 00:12:18,626 -Okay. 225 00:12:18,709 --> 00:12:20,334 Come on. Answer the phone, answer the phone. 226 00:12:21,876 --> 00:12:23,751 -Hello. What? What? Hold on a sec. 227 00:12:23,834 --> 00:12:26,876 Clint, think we need to wrap this up. Sun's getting real low, pal. 228 00:12:26,959 --> 00:12:29,334 Like, super winter solstice kind of low. 229 00:12:29,418 --> 00:12:30,418 Banner, Banner! 230 00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:32,084 -I'm sorry. It's the last one. -Banner! 231 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,418 Clint, just give her the toy! 232 00:12:33,501 --> 00:12:35,334 No can do. -Come on. Just let her have it. 233 00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:38,751 The wife says, "Bring home this toy or don't come home at all." 234 00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:40,918 -Damn it. Clint, just... -Let her have it! 235 00:12:41,584 --> 00:12:42,584 Oh. 236 00:12:43,584 --> 00:12:44,918 Yeah! 237 00:12:46,084 --> 00:12:48,001 Oh, yeah! 238 00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,543 Start pouring the Shirley Temples, big guy. I got your cherries. 239 00:12:51,626 --> 00:12:53,918 Sparrow-1, this is Puffin-2. 240 00:12:54,001 --> 00:12:56,751 Do you copy? We got a code red. 241 00:12:56,834 --> 00:12:58,751 The tower's been overtaken by terrorists. 242 00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:01,168 Terrorists on Christmas? What is this? Con Air? 243 00:13:01,251 --> 00:13:04,501 No, wait. Under Siege? No, no, no. That's not it. Wait. I know this one. 244 00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,668 Uh, walking my mental Blockbuster aisle. 245 00:13:06,751 --> 00:13:08,168 Hey, John McClane, focus. 246 00:13:08,251 --> 00:13:11,501 Every weapon, every suit is currently under Hammer's control. 247 00:13:11,584 --> 00:13:12,834 What are you calling me for? 248 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:15,543 Tell JARVIS to dial up the army or the Avengers. 249 00:13:15,626 --> 00:13:17,334 Or that scary dude with the eye-patch. 250 00:13:17,418 --> 00:13:20,501 JARVIS is offline defragging. It's how they were able to... 251 00:13:20,584 --> 00:13:22,126 Darcy, you're a genius. 252 00:13:22,209 --> 00:13:25,793 Thanks. I have been in college for the better part of a decade. 253 00:13:25,876 --> 00:13:27,418 Not to brag. But what did I say? 254 00:13:27,501 --> 00:13:29,543 JARVIS has a mainframe in the sub-basement. 255 00:13:29,626 --> 00:13:32,751 If we bring JARVIS back online, we can take control of the building 256 00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:33,918 and everything inside it. 257 00:13:34,001 --> 00:13:37,293 Puffin-2, are you asking me to be your Reginald VelJohnson? 258 00:13:37,376 --> 00:13:40,084 Reginald VelJohnson? That's what you remember from the movie? 259 00:13:40,168 --> 00:13:41,168 Oh, damn. 260 00:13:44,501 --> 00:13:45,751 Eh... 261 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,459 You guys can see me, right? 262 00:13:50,126 --> 00:13:51,959 -Uh... 263 00:13:56,751 --> 00:13:59,418 Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. 264 00:14:00,293 --> 00:14:01,709 -Oh, okay. Hey! 265 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:03,209 Hmm. 266 00:14:07,543 --> 00:14:09,918 Guess the only way out is out! 267 00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,793 Holy... 268 00:14:51,126 --> 00:14:53,959 See that? I got Hulk blood pumping through me. 269 00:14:54,043 --> 00:14:56,209 Might as well try it on for size. 270 00:14:58,709 --> 00:15:00,668 -Wait, wait. Do you hear that? 271 00:15:00,751 --> 00:15:02,001 Go, go, go. 272 00:15:02,793 --> 00:15:04,626 Broke that damn chain pretty good. 273 00:15:04,709 --> 00:15:07,626 What about the short fuse? Can't have a temper tantrum. 274 00:15:07,709 --> 00:15:09,418 Be calm. Breathe. 275 00:15:09,501 --> 00:15:10,834 That's supposed to help, right? 276 00:15:12,584 --> 00:15:15,293 10-9, Puffin-2. Everything okay there, boss? 277 00:15:15,376 --> 00:15:18,001 'Cause you sound a little Darth Vader-y. 278 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,168 I just need a minute. I'm going through some stuff. 279 00:15:20,251 --> 00:15:23,126 Can't believe the whole building runs off this one dinky box. 280 00:15:23,209 --> 00:15:25,793 My next internship should totally be at WikiLeaks, 281 00:15:25,876 --> 00:15:28,709 'cause I've got this whole hacking thing... Oh, no. 282 00:15:31,543 --> 00:15:33,126 Whoa! 283 00:15:34,043 --> 00:15:36,251 A secret room! 284 00:15:36,334 --> 00:15:38,501 You thought the doorknob was the mainframe? 285 00:15:38,584 --> 00:15:41,543 Anyone would. This is like Narnia for dorks. 286 00:15:41,626 --> 00:15:44,501 There should be a backup JARVIS AI in the sub-basement. 287 00:15:44,584 --> 00:15:47,709 Boss, he has someone else on the inside. In the sub-basement. 288 00:15:47,793 --> 00:15:50,459 Wait. I got a better idea. Get back to the penthouse. 289 00:15:50,543 --> 00:15:53,751 It's better to make them come to the Hammer. 290 00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:56,459 All right. Here we go, boss. We got a Friday, 291 00:15:56,543 --> 00:16:00,251 a W.A.D.S.W.O.R.T.H., an E.D.I.T.H. 1.0. Gosh, sounds like a BBC mystery. 292 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:01,709 Darcy, just pick one! 293 00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:03,709 Wunderbar! Werner it is. 294 00:16:03,793 --> 00:16:05,418 -Whoa! 295 00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:07,501 Darcy? Darcy, do you copy? 296 00:16:08,293 --> 00:16:12,459 Oh, fine. Come in, Sparrow-1. This is Puffin-2. Do you copy? 297 00:16:12,834 --> 00:16:14,584 Is this on? 298 00:16:14,668 --> 00:16:19,543 The only difference between a hero and a villain is good PR. 299 00:16:19,626 --> 00:16:22,668 You see, redemption in this country, it isn't about penance. 300 00:16:22,751 --> 00:16:24,418 No, it's about rebranding, 301 00:16:24,501 --> 00:16:27,293 and that Hulk blood was gonna be my chance. 302 00:16:27,376 --> 00:16:30,876 And then you stole it from me, Happy Hogan. But don't worry. 303 00:16:30,959 --> 00:16:34,834 I will reverse-engineer it after I dissect your twitching corpse. 304 00:16:34,918 --> 00:16:36,334 Don't let him spook you, Happy. 305 00:16:36,418 --> 00:16:39,418 That's right. Ho-Ho-Hogan, I got your girl Friday, 306 00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:41,293 but all I want for Christmas is you. 307 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:44,584 Oh-ho! Gotta admit that's some solid holiday word play. 308 00:16:44,668 --> 00:16:46,918 Hey, thanks. Penthouse. Five minutes. 309 00:16:47,001 --> 00:16:48,834 Or your intern gets a bullet from Santa. 310 00:16:48,918 --> 00:16:51,043 But I'm adorable. 311 00:16:51,126 --> 00:16:54,751 Oh, and, Happy, do us all a favor. Don't be a hero. 312 00:16:54,834 --> 00:16:57,418 Turn the elevator on. I'm coming up. 313 00:17:00,418 --> 00:17:02,126 All right. Let's see what we got here. 314 00:17:02,209 --> 00:17:06,084 Given the weight, no sound, I'm guessing it's a Rolex watch? 315 00:17:06,168 --> 00:17:11,084 Oh, my goodness. The billionaire got Captain America socks. 316 00:17:11,168 --> 00:17:14,751 Wow, the press lied. These two really do not get along. 317 00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,126 Quality socks can be excellent gift. 318 00:17:19,751 --> 00:17:21,751 Hey, Happy, here to borrow a cup of sugar? 319 00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:23,126 Light him up, fellas. 320 00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:25,126 Happy, no! 321 00:17:27,876 --> 00:17:29,168 -Oh! 322 00:17:29,251 --> 00:17:31,418 So, give us some figgy pudding! 323 00:17:33,126 --> 00:17:35,084 Wha-- "Let it snow?" 324 00:17:35,168 --> 00:17:36,876 Oh, sugar cookies. 325 00:17:39,709 --> 00:17:41,543 -What the hell is that? 326 00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:43,126 Earthquake? Is it an earthquake? 327 00:17:51,168 --> 00:17:52,918 I think that's Happy Hogan. 328 00:17:59,459 --> 00:18:02,043 Uh, hello? Giant freak on the loose. 329 00:18:02,126 --> 00:18:04,334 What the hell do you think I pay you for? 330 00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:05,459 Not this. 331 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:09,459 Come on, come on. Yoga room. Karaoke studio. Really? 332 00:18:09,543 --> 00:18:11,376 Avengers armory. Bingo! 333 00:18:15,376 --> 00:18:16,376 Uh... 334 00:18:19,584 --> 00:18:22,168 Wow. Your neck is thicker than Thor's. 335 00:18:22,251 --> 00:18:24,334 Crazy, right? And the party hasn't even started. 336 00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:26,959 Look, if we can reboot JARVIS... 337 00:18:27,043 --> 00:18:29,001 Already on it, Sparrow-1. 338 00:18:29,084 --> 00:18:31,543 You said you were counting on me. That means something. 339 00:18:31,626 --> 00:18:32,918 Hammer's heading to the armory. 340 00:18:33,001 --> 00:18:35,959 I'll handle him. You guys get to work on the JARVIS reboot. 341 00:18:36,043 --> 00:18:39,459 It's time for that Hammer to get nailed. 342 00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:42,334 Hammer! Hammer! 343 00:18:43,626 --> 00:18:44,626 Oh. 344 00:19:32,084 --> 00:19:36,209 You lost, Hammer. And there's not gonna be a Christmas miracle. 345 00:19:36,293 --> 00:19:39,251 Oh, famous last words, Hulk Hogan. 346 00:19:43,001 --> 00:19:45,168 DARCY: Oh, my God! It's Santa! 347 00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:46,501 He's real. 348 00:19:57,043 --> 00:19:58,709 I'm Santa Claus, baby. 349 00:19:59,751 --> 00:20:02,709 -Hammer's taken control of the Hulkbuster. 350 00:20:02,793 --> 00:20:05,834 We need to gain control of the suit, now. Upload JARVIS. 351 00:20:05,918 --> 00:20:07,793 Not JARVIS, but German. 352 00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:12,126 This is the worst internship ever. 353 00:20:17,084 --> 00:20:18,834 Come on, Happy. Don't be like that. 354 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,001 Let's make it quick. I just need a little slice. 355 00:20:21,084 --> 00:20:22,293 Oh, you'll get a piece of me. 356 00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:34,751 There's no way that Stark is paying you enough to deal with the Hammer. 357 00:20:38,918 --> 00:20:40,876 Hey, what are you doing? 358 00:20:42,543 --> 00:20:43,543 Nothing? 359 00:20:47,376 --> 00:20:49,668 Oh, yeah! Best boss ever. 360 00:20:49,751 --> 00:20:50,793 Oh, Darcy, really? 361 00:20:50,876 --> 00:20:54,543 Oh, that means a lot coming from, well, someone who's had just so many bosses. 362 00:21:00,209 --> 00:21:01,543 Oh, it's frozen. We're locked out. 363 00:21:01,626 --> 00:21:04,293 Damn you, pinwheel of death. Quick. Control-Alt-Delete. 364 00:21:05,709 --> 00:21:07,126 Huh? That actually worked. 365 00:21:07,209 --> 00:21:11,334 A little trick I picked up interning for the Culver University IT department. 366 00:21:11,418 --> 00:21:14,043 -Have you ever had an actual paying job? -Nope. 367 00:21:25,293 --> 00:21:26,376 Guten tag. 368 00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:29,834 Yes. All right, we're up. Disengage the Veronica Hulkbuster Protocol. 369 00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:35,168 In the beginning, men controlled machines. Now, machines control the fate of men. 370 00:21:38,043 --> 00:21:40,168 Yeah, okay, right. Are you calling the Avengers? 371 00:21:40,251 --> 00:21:42,709 As they say in German, no. 372 00:21:44,584 --> 00:21:47,709 What the hell is this program? Siri for nihilists? 373 00:21:47,793 --> 00:21:48,834 It sounds like my dad. 374 00:21:48,918 --> 00:21:50,709 Happy, you're on your own. 375 00:21:54,251 --> 00:21:59,834 Here's some Muay Thai, jiujitsu, tae kwon do! 376 00:22:04,834 --> 00:22:07,001 Know when you're beat, freak. 377 00:22:07,084 --> 00:22:08,959 -What? 378 00:22:24,293 --> 00:22:27,501 Son of a nutcracker. That monster is eating my suit! 379 00:22:30,293 --> 00:22:31,293 Huh? 380 00:22:35,876 --> 00:22:38,251 -Bruce, a little help. 381 00:22:38,334 --> 00:22:40,043 No, you guys got this. 382 00:22:44,918 --> 00:22:46,834 Where's Thor? 383 00:22:46,918 --> 00:22:48,126 Is that Happy? 384 00:22:48,209 --> 00:22:49,251 Um, no. 385 00:22:50,001 --> 00:22:51,918 What is this thing? 386 00:22:55,293 --> 00:22:57,459 No, no, no. He's on the guest list. 387 00:22:57,543 --> 00:23:00,084 Repeat, he is on the guest list. 388 00:23:01,376 --> 00:23:04,168 Natasha! It's me. 389 00:23:04,876 --> 00:23:06,501 Oh, my God. Happy? 390 00:23:06,584 --> 00:23:07,668 I was right. 391 00:23:07,751 --> 00:23:12,043 This is the good guy, that is the bad guy. 392 00:23:14,084 --> 00:23:15,834 What are you doing with my suit? 393 00:23:15,918 --> 00:23:17,334 Uh, nothing? 394 00:23:21,876 --> 00:23:22,876 Um... 395 00:23:40,084 --> 00:23:42,209 You saved me. Why? 396 00:23:42,293 --> 00:23:44,918 It's Christmas, Hammer. Goodwill towards men. 397 00:23:45,001 --> 00:23:46,668 Even the bad ones. 398 00:23:46,751 --> 00:23:47,751 Huh. 399 00:23:52,376 --> 00:23:55,459 I'm sorry about the party, Tony. I'm sure insurance will cover most of it. 400 00:23:55,543 --> 00:23:58,543 Are you kidding? You're the only insurance policy I'll ever need. 401 00:23:58,626 --> 00:24:01,084 Ah, thanks, Tony. Wait. You do have a cure, don't you? 402 00:24:01,168 --> 00:24:02,418 I'm not stuck this way, right? 403 00:24:04,209 --> 00:24:07,209 My head of security, everybody. How about this guy, right? 404 00:24:07,293 --> 00:24:08,709 -Yeah, Happy. -Good job, Happy. 405 00:24:08,793 --> 00:24:10,459 -Crushed it, man. -Bah, humbug. 406 00:24:10,543 --> 00:24:13,626 As for how the rest of this holiday tale goes, 407 00:24:13,709 --> 00:24:18,626 the tower was safe and secure, still decked in holly and bows, 408 00:24:18,709 --> 00:24:21,709 when Tony Stark to his team gave a whistle. 409 00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:24,001 I think I speak for everyone when I say 410 00:24:24,084 --> 00:24:25,334 some food would be beneficial. 411 00:24:25,418 --> 00:24:29,376 My appetite is raging. I can eat an actual fruitcake after that fight. 412 00:24:29,459 --> 00:24:33,251 But I heard a voice say as the heroes vanished from sight... 413 00:24:33,334 --> 00:24:36,043 "Merry Christmas to all and to all a..." 414 00:24:36,876 --> 00:24:37,876 Guys? 415 00:24:38,334 --> 00:24:39,709 Oh, I missed the party. 416 00:24:41,501 --> 00:24:44,209 "To all, a good night." 417 00:24:45,376 --> 00:24:48,584 We wish you a merry Christmas 418 00:24:48,668 --> 00:24:51,626 We wish you a merry Christmas 419 00:24:51,709 --> 00:24:58,043 We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year 420 00:24:58,126 --> 00:25:01,043 We wish you a merry Christmas 421 00:25:01,126 --> 00:25:04,376 We wish you a merry Christmas 422 00:25:04,459 --> 00:25:10,918 We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year 423 00:25:11,001 --> 00:25:17,126 Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin 424 00:25:17,209 --> 00:25:23,251 Glad tidings at Christmas and a happy new year 425 00:25:23,334 --> 00:25:25,459 We wish you a swinging Christmas 426 00:25:27,626 --> 00:25:29,834 We wish you a crazy Christmas 427 00:25:29,918 --> 00:25:35,709 We wish you a naughty Christmas and a frantic new year 428 00:26:01,418 --> 00:26:02,501 Yeah 429 00:26:28,668 --> 00:26:29,959 All right. 430 00:26:30,043 --> 00:26:32,668 Good Queen Darcy last looked down 431 00:26:32,751 --> 00:26:35,168 On the feast of Steve Rogers 432 00:26:35,251 --> 00:26:37,709 When the snow lay on the ground 433 00:26:37,793 --> 00:26:40,251 Something, something, something 434 00:26:40,334 --> 00:26:45,084 Thor has a giant neck It is full of muscles 435 00:26:45,168 --> 00:26:51,334 He's just a little schmoopy noodle Going through the cosmos 436 00:26:53,959 --> 00:26:57,834 Happy Holidays! Make up dumb songs for money. 31063

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