Original subtitles

In the last episode of Soap,

Dutch and Eunice decided to run away together,

since it would be awful to be separated.

Chester still has an awful lot of trouble

knowing who he is.

Elaine is no longer being awful,

and therefore, Danny and Elaine's relationship

is not only no longer awful,

but is actually awful nice.

And even though Burt thinks Mary cheated on him

with her awful professor

and feels awful,

he feels more awful that he cheated on her,

and the most awful thing about all of this is...

Mary didn't cheat with the awful professor.

Awfully confused?

You won't be after this week's episode of... Soap.

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate,

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

And this is Soap.

Don't move or I'll shoot you.

Don't shoot, Mrs. Tate. It's only me, Dutch.

Oh, good, because I don't have a gun.

But you're in the wrong room.

Eunice's room is down the roof, around the eaves,

green organdy curtains.

You can't miss it.

I know. I came to see you.

You see, Eunice and I are running away together,

and I wanted to get your blessing.

I know.

Eunice told me. You're going to live on a farm.

It's so romantic.

Hello, dear.

Hi. How you doing?

What the hell are you doing in my wife's bedroom?

Well, I just came by... I don't care.

Get out. The both of you.

My wife will drop dead if she sees you in her bed.

Chester, I am your wife.

Is everything okay?

I'm almost ready.

Who is she?

That's Eunice.

Does she belong to you?

Yeah, kind of.

Good. Then get her out of here.

I'll just go get a few things.

I may not remember anything,

but one thing I am pretty sure of...

bedrooms are not supposed to be this crowded.

Mrs. Tate? Yes?

I want you to know

that I'll take really good care of Eunice.

I know you're not too thrilled,

her running away with a killer, but...

Aw, listen. I'm married to a killer.

Still, I don't think

that this is what you had in mind

for your daughter.

Well, I guess not, but...

Dutch, tell me.

Did you really kill a man?

Yeah.

Dead? You shot him dead?

That's usually what happens in a successful killing.

Of course.

You see, what happened is

that when I got out of the Navy,

I borrowed some money to go into business.

The banks all turned me down for a loan,

so I went to a local loan company.

They gave me $5000 at a very high rate of interest.

And the first week,

when I couldn't come up with the dough,

they broke my fingers.

The second week,

they broke my nose and two ribs and my knee.

Plus, the guy that was beating me up

had a very bad cold,

so I ended up with a terrible cough.

The next week, they was gonna break my head,

but I convinced them not to.

How?

I talked to them for a while, and then I shot them.

Oh, well, I think that should be considered self-defense.

It was.

But the guy who owned the loan company

turned out to be the chief of police.

I'm ready.

Will you take my bags downstairs?

Okay. You'd better hurry up. It's getting late.

Okay.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Hmm? What?

Daddy, I'm leaving,

and I wanted to tell you how much I love you.

Oh.

Daddy...

I've been a very lucky girl,

and you have been a wonderful father,

and I hate leaving you now.

I wish there was something I could do

to make things better for you,

but I guess there isn't, so I guess all I can do

is just let you know how much I love you.

And get well, Daddy, okay?

I love you. Goodbye.

I want you to know that was a very touching speech,

and I'd really be moved if I only knew who you were.

Okay.

Goodbye, Mother.

Goodbye, darling.

I'll write. I know.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Our little girl.

She's enormous for a little girl.

Chester,

what I mean is

I still think of her as a little girl.

Oh.

She must have been a very sweet little girl.

She was. Adorable.

It's all lost to me.

All of it.

My past, my present, my future.

It's all gone.

I try... I try so hard to remember,

and I can't.

I'm so afraid if I don't remember soon,

you'll have me put away.

You've all been so good to me, I...

I must have been some guy

to have such a beautiful bunch of people

love me the way that you do.

Chester...

It's agony...

to know I have a wonderful son and daughters

and a wife

and not know who they are.

Sometimes, I swear it's almost too much to bear.

Oh, Chester.

I just know it: someday, you'll remember.

Remember what?

Jodie.

Hiya, Ma.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come up and visit my favorite mother.

How are you?

I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine.

You sure? Of course I'm sure.

Are you sure you're sure?

Jodie.

You're not fine.

Jodie, what is this? I'm fine.

Ma, I know what you sound like when you're fine,

and you have not sounded fine in days.

I'm fine, Jodie.

I think it's got to be one of four things.

You're pregnant. God forbid.

You're having an affair. Oh, please.

Menopause. Not yet.

Burt's having an affair. Breakfast?

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

Ma, you've got to talk to him. Oh, I can't.

Why not? I'm afraid.

Of what? Being right.

Ma, it's better to know. No, it's not.

I don't want to know

he's sleeping with some young skinny thing.

Maybe he's sleeping with some old fat thing.

Yeah, at home.

Oh, Ma.

Jodie,

I can't compete.

When I was 20, I could compete.

Age has taught me to be philosophical, to accept.

I can't do anything about it, and I accept it.

There's nothing I can do except...

hope that whoever she is, wherever she is,

someone will drive a knife right through her heart.

Well, well, well. Look who's here.

If it isn't the bride to be.

Bob, why don't you go sit on a drill?

Listen, Mary, now that Jodie here

has moved out anyway,

I see no reason why I can't have his room.

Chuck, that's my sewing room.

That's what I told him.

Your sewing room? Yeah.

You made my room a sewing room?

Well, what did you expect? A shrine?

Bob, why don't you go upstairs and watch your feet warp?

Mary, Bob does not need his own room.

Well, I'm certainly tired of living with you.

You've got disgusting personal habits.

You know what he does? He...

Mary, think about the room, okay?

Good morning, everyone.

Hey, Jessica.

Hmm?

Listen, when I get my own room,

maybe you and, uh... your two friends

will come and see me.

Hi, Jess. How are you? What are you doing here?

Well, I've been out looking for Chester.

He's been missing since yesterday.

Why didn't you call me? You must be frantic.

Well, not really.

You see, the other day,

Chester said he needed his net stockings.

He thinks he's Marlene Dietrich.

And net stockings in his size may be very hard to find, Mary.

He could be gone for days.

I know a place where he...

Coffee, Jess?

Yes, please.

Well, Jodie.

So you're going to get married, huh?

Yeah, it, uh... looks that way.

Isn't that nice.

Yeah.

I guess that means you're not gay.

No, Aunt Jessica. It doesn't.

Hmm. You know, Jodie, when we were younger,

there was no such thing as homosexuals.

Yes, there were, Aunt Jessica.

The homosexuals go way back in history.

Who?

Alexander the Great was gay. Uh, Plato was gay.

Plato?

Mickey Mouse's dog was gay?

Aunt Jessica, would you be very offended

if I didn't continue this conversation?

Not at all.

Oh, Mary.

Yes? What, Jess?

Id-day ou-yay ask-ay urt-Bay about his affair-ay?

What?

Did you ask Burt about his affair-ay?

No.

Listen, I know you two mean to be helpful,

but it's my marriage,

and I have to handle this my own way.

You're right, Mary. You're absolutely right.

Mickey Mouse had a gay dog?

You didn't know?

First I heard of it.

Yeah. Goofy was his lover.

And so, uh, Sally, I...

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and...

Well, what I'm trying to say is...

Sally, you're a terrific girl, but...

it's over.

You and me. Us. Over.

Sorry.

I can't do it, Sal. It's making me a nervous wreck.

Look at me.

I put on two different shoes this morning.

Sally, you...

you'll get over this really very soon.

You'll see. Really.

I mean, after all,

we were together only one night,

and I can't even remember the night.

Of course, it's different with you.

You were more involved. You were conscious at the time.

Still, I mean...

what we're talking about here

is a...

maybe a 25-minute involvement.

Sally, talk to me, please.

Make this a little easier here.

Say something.

You told me you loved me.

Say something else.

You said we'd go away.

What?

To Aruba.

Aruba? I never heard of it. It sounds like a rash.

You promised.

Maybe you got me confused with somebody else.

You know, I bet right now,

there's some guy sitting in Aruba Airlines

wondering where the hell you are.

You made plans.

And now you tell me it's over, after all that?

If all I was to you, Burt, was a one-night stand,

you never had to say all those things that you said.

Sally, uh, are you crying?

I guess... I guess...

Sally, please, don't cry.

I feel so awful.

I feel so cheap and dirty and awful.

I... I wish I were dead.

Come on, not dead.

That's just a terrible thing to wish, "dead."

Sally. Don't be silly, Sally.

I do. I wish I were dead.

No, no. Take it easy. Come, sit down.

Sally... It's okay. It's all right.

It's all right. Breathe in.

How about a cup of coffee?

Please.

Listen, um...

Sally, um...

You're more than a one-night stand, okay?

Really.

And I would never do that to you. Never.

So just forget everything I said.

Maybe I was a little too hasty.

Maybe I didn't think things through, and, uh...

So forget what I said and then take it easy.

It's not over?

No, it's not over. You know...

Let's sleep on it, okay?

Okay.

Together?

Together.

Oh, what a joker you are.

Say, I'm going to...

You clean up this stuff, and I'm just going to...

It's working.

Give me a few more weeks. He'll be a broken man.

Come on, Ma. Sit down. I made some tea.

Oh, thank you, Corinne. That's very nice of you.

Don't worry, Ma.

Daddy just forgot where the house is,

that's all.

No, Corinne. I don't think so. He's left.

Oh, why would he leave?

Because he knew.

He knew he couldn't remember, and he felt terrible,

and I didn't know how terrible he felt

until last night,

and now I feel terrible because I didn't know,

but I mean, what could I do?

I didn't know, and now he's left.

We're back.

Nothing.

We covered the parks, the stores,

and all the movie theaters.

Nothing.

But there's this movie theater downtown

called the Peekaboo.

You can't believe what's playing there.

Yeah. And he made me wait outside.

All the other theaters,

we were in and out of in two minutes.

We get to the Peekaboo, He made me wait outside,

and he doesn't come out for half an hour.

It was very dark in there. I couldn't see.

I saw things you wouldn't believe.

Benson, did you have any luck?

Sort of. I didn't find him.

Did the police get here yet?

No, not yet.

Mm. Where's the major?

Ah, he's not here.

Where is he? Out.

You let him out?

Well, Benson, he wanted to help look,

and we thought it would be a good idea

since he and Chester think a lot alike these days.

Ah, wonderful. Now I've got two gumballs to look for.

You want me to get that?

If you don't mind.

Evening.

Evening.

I'm Deputy Gilmore. You reported a missing person?

Yes, officer. My husband.

Name?

Jessica Tate.

Funny name for a man.

No, I'm Jessica. He's Chester.

Chester... Tate.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Bobby Gilmore?

Yeah.

Bobby "The Chicken" Gilmore?

No!

Yeah.

Benson! I don't believe it.

It's Benson.

This is Benson.

We know.

Last time I saw you, you were 8 years old.

You've changed.

Benson, I don't believe it.

Yeah. You, of all people...

The biggest coward in the neighborhood.

Yeah, they used to call him "The Chicken."

Now you're a cop.

That sure makes me feel secure.

Benson. How about that? It's Benson.

I know.

Uh, Deputy Chicken...

if you don't mind...

Please, about my husband...

Oh, I'm very, very sorry.

Um, missing.

Answers to the name of Chester Tate.

Also "Colonel Tate."

A colonel.

No. He thought he was.

And now he doesn't?

We don't know. He might.

I see.

He also answers to the name of "Marlene Dietrich."

And "Gloria Swanson."

I hope they're paying you well...

because you got a job on your hands.

Also "Gunga Din."

Huh. Gunga Din.

Ah, let me see if I've got this right.

Chester Tate, alias Colonel Tate,

alias Marlene Dietrich, alias Gloria Swanson,

alias Gunga Din.

And, uh, while you're looking for the colonel,

you might as well look for the major.

Major?

Is this a real major

or a "sometime" major, like the colonel?

He's a real major.

I see.

But not anymore.

Gotcha.

This is a zoo.

You ought to see them eat.

So we're looking for a colonel, who may or may not be a colonel,

and a major who used to be a major.

Is that right?

Right.

Damn beast.

I gave him the colonel's shirt.

I gave him the colonel's socks.

You'd think from socks he'd catch the scent.

He took me to the river, and he wouldn't budge.

You lost the scent.

Sigmund, heel.

Pick up your feet.

Now you've only got the colonel to look for.

Is he as bad as the major?

Just about.

You sure you want me to look for him?

Take your time.

Do you think we're normal?

What do you mean, do I think we're normal?

We make love all the time.

We don't make love all the time.

Oh, yes, we do.

At least every night.

Do you think other couples make love that much?

I don't know. You want to take a poll?

Okay.

Hey.

"Hey" what?

What are you going to do right now?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

are you going to go to sleep or what?

What do you got in mind?

You want to?

Again?

You don't want to?

I want to. I want to.

I'll be right back.

We are not normal.

We are definitely not normal.

But who wants to be normal?

Thank you, God.

In the last few weeks,

you have made me happier than in my whole life.

You're really okay.

Oh, Danny. Oh, you letch.

What is this, your idea of kinky?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Elaine, if you don't want to, all you have to do is say so.

You don't have to hide.

Oh, my God.

Will Dutch and Eunice find happiness on a farm?

Or will the police find them first?

Will Mary tell Burt

she's found out about his affair?

Will Burt find out Mary didn't have the affair

he thought he had found her in?

Will Burt find a way to get rid of Sally?

Or will she find a way to destroy him?

Will Chester be found?

Does he want to be found?

Who wants to find him?

Will Danny find out who kidnapped Elaine?

And will they find her?

Find out the answers

to these questions and many others

on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.