Original subtitles

In the last episode of Soap,

Chester came from the hospital still not knowing who he is.

But the Major convinced him he's a colonel.

With two loonies to look after,

Benson would love to put them in the old soldiers' home.

When Jessica came home,

Corinne told her she's pregnant.

But she's afraid to tell Tim because he might leave home.

Jodie told Dennis since he's marrying Carol

he no longer considers Dennis' apartment home.

Mary's professor drove her home

and tried to take advantage of her.

And when Burt came home and saw them,

he thought they were carrying on,

so he left home,

got drunk, and went to Sally's home.

What ever happened to "home sweet home"?

Confused?

You won't be after this week's episode of... Soap.

This is the story of two sisters.

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

God. How could I do this to Mary?

Mary? What Mary? Mary did it first.

I'm only doing what she did.

Oh, my God. What have I done? I...

Nothing. Maybe nothing.

I don't remember. I...

Maybe I didn't do it.

Morning, King Kong.

I did it.

Sleep well?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I think so. Yeah. Probably.

I certainly slept well.

Oh, good. I'm glad.

Sleep is good.

It was the best, Burt. It was the best ever.

Sleep is wonderful. It's true.

I'm not talking about sleep.

Oh... Are you sure I was here?

Oh, Burt.

I don't remember.

You're kidding.

No.

I'm sorry. I... Oh, God. How could I do this?

I feel so guilty.

Oh, Burt, come on.

There's no reason to feel guilty.

Are you kidding? No reason? There's a very good reason.

Ow. Oh, my head. Oh. Oh, you see that?

I'm so guilty I... I got a splitting headache.

It's a hangover. Anyway, why should you feel guilty?

You haven't done anything your wife didn't do.

If anything, you should be angry.

That's right, I should be angry, not guilty.

Angry, and I am.

I'm really angry, good and angry.

But I'm guilty. I also... I'm guilty and I'm angry.

You're more angry than guilty.

I'm confused. That's what I am. I'm confused.

I gotta get this... it's morning.

I've got to get out of here.

What am I going to tell Mary?

Make something up.

I was kidnapped. I'll tell her I was kidnapped.

She'll never believe that. I gotta get out of here.

I'll make up something on the way home.

It'll be good. I hope so.

Because it isn't going to be easy to explain the outfit.

Have a nice day.

Benson, could you pour me some more coffee, please?

Tim, that's your 11th cup.

I need my wits about me today.

There's not that much coffee in the world.

Tim, would you just relax?

Relax? How can I relax?

My first day of work

since I left the priesthood.

What am I qualified to do? Bless?

Burt and Danny gave me this job

because they felt sorry for me.

Oh, Tim, that's not true.

All my life,

I wanted to do something

for the betterment of society.

What could I possibly do

way up there on a girder

that could make a positive contribution

to mankind?

Slip.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Mother.

How's Daddy doing this morning?

Oh, Eunice,

he is 100 percent better than last night.

Really?

Yes. He called me by my right name.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Yes.

He said, "Good morning, Jessica."

Me too. He saw me in the hall,

waved, and said "Good morning, Jessica."

Oh, Simpson,

get me General Eisenhower on the phone.

Imagine, Colonel Tate trying to wrangle a discharge

by pretending to be Marlene Dietrich.

♪ Falling in love again What am I to do ♪

♪ What am I to do ♪

♪ Can't help it ♪

Traitor!

Traitor?

You call Marlene Dietrich a traitor

after all the time I've given to the troops?

Guten Morgen.

Was ist los?

This is another one of those times

when nobody says anything until I'm out of the room.

It's okay. I'll go. I'll find someone to talk to.

Maybe after school I'll get married

and buy a condominium.

Then my wife and I can invite you over for dinner

and we can leave so you can talk.

Goodbye, Jessica.

Daddy,

why are you acting like Marlene Dietrich?

Who should I act like, Eleanor Roosevelt?

But who told you

you were Marlene Dietrich?

Well, it's a hell of a lot safer

than blowing up the damn neighborhood.

Well, that's true.

Isn't anyone going to ask me to sing?

I don't think so, dear.

Miss Dietrich,

why don't I take you upstairs

and you can relax?

♪ Falling In love again ♪

♪ Never wanted to... ♪

Oh, come on, Tim.

I'll, uh, drive you to work, okay?

Good luck, dear.

Thanks.

You okay?

Oh, Benson, I just don't think I can do it.

I just don't think I can go on acting cheerful.

Well, then, stop.

If I stop acting cheerful, I'll cry.

Then cry.

I can't.

Why not?

In front of you?

Well, I'll leave the room.

Cry alone?

Then I'll stay here and cover my eyes.

I haven't cried in a long time.

You sure deserve a good one.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

Good.

I can't. Sure, you can.

No, I can't.

You're trying too hard.

No, that's not it.

What is it, then?

I don't have to anymore.

Why not?

You cheered me up.

Good.

Thank you, Benson.

Any time.

Good morning.

Want some more coffee?

This is my 25th cup.

I haven't blinked since midnight.

What's the matter?

Burt didn't come home.

He's dead. I know it.

Come on, Ma, he's not dead.

I'm sure

there's some logical explanation.

Sure... like death.

He's lying dead in an alley some place.

Some maniac probably killed him for a Chiclet.

Hey, he probably just fell asleep at the office.

I called the office all night. He's not at the office.

He's dead.

He's not dead.

I called the police at 4:00 this morning.

Did you know that a person isn't a missing person

for 72 hours?

He's dead.

Well, why didn't you wake me up?

I didn't want to disturb you.

Disturb me?

Burt's dead, and you don't want to disturb me?

He's not dead. How dare you say something like that!

Burt!

Oh, Burt, oh, Burt! Oh...

Where have you been? Are you all right?

What happened?

You didn't hear?

No. What?

About the airplane?

No.

It wasn't on the news?

I didn't watch the news.

What happened?

Last night, I'm driving home, right?

You know, along that highway...

all of a sudden, I don't know where...

Plfft!

A plane... lands...

right there in the middle of the highway.

Nobody could move.

I mean, the thing took up the whole road.

I mean, two Hondas, a Datsun, and a Subaru got through.

They drove under the wing.

I thought for sure

you would have seen it on television.

I mean, there was a television crew there,

and, uh...

I waved.

You mean you had to stay there all night?

Well, they asked for volunteers...

to help take the wings off the plane

so the traffic could get through.

You know, that's not an easy job,

you know.

They really put those wings on pretty tight.

Well, uh, as long as you're alive,

I'm going to go to work.

If you'd been dead,

I was going to knock off a half a day out of respect.

Goodbye, Ma. Get some sleep.

Well, I...

I hope you weren't too worried.

I'm so glad you're home.

Now, what do you want for breakfast?

Oh, anything. I don't care. Anything. I don't know.

A couple of eggs, over-easy, Canadian bacon, crisp,

sour dough toast, a little tangerine juice.

So, uh... what's new?

Nothing much.

No?

No.

What did you do yesterday?

Nothing much.

No? No.

I thought you went to school.

Oh, that's right, I did. I forgot.

Forgot? How do you forget school?

Well, I've been up all night. My brain's like these eggs.

So... how is school?

It's okay, I guess.

How is your professor?

My professor?

Yeah, the good-looking professor.

He's all right, I guess.

Yeah, that...

uh... The good-looking, charming professor.

What?

Nothing.

Oh.

Mary, is there anything, uh...

you want to say to me?

No. You sure?

Well...

Yeah.

You mean,

there's nothing you think that we ought to discuss?

No.

Is there anything you want to discuss?

Yeah.

What?

I don't want any eggs. Nothing. No breakfast.

Nothing. I ate on the plane.

Are they serious?

What?

Do you know what they have in here?

Queen Bee hormones.

Now, how the hell do you suppose they go about getting that?

Carefully.

Mine's made from cow placenta.

You peel it off, you fall in love with a heifer.

Don't make me laugh.

My face will crack.

Listen...

Did you hear about an airplane landing on a highway last night?

No. What happened?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe if I'd done this 10 years ago

I'd have cheekbones by now.

I always wanted to do this, you know?

To have...

like... a mother,

and... and we'd do this sort of thing.

My mother died when I was 6,

so we never got around to face masks.

Well, I never had a daughter,

and the boys never wanted to do this.

Well, Jodie... once.

It's uh...

It's like having a mother.

It's like having a daughter.

I'm just sorry

it took so long to happen.

Oh, I'm so glad it did.

Oh!

Burt.

Burt, look at this.

All this space here

on top of this building?

Yeah. That's where we put the heating unit.

Most of this is wasted space.

So?

So? So you put on a coat of paint,

you hang a few lamps

and bang!

Instant office space.

Office space?

Office space?

That office space is only four feet high.

I'm way ahead of you, Burt.

Midgets.

Midgets?

Yeah. Yeah.

We rent it out to midgets.

Midgets?

Burt, I'm telling you,

it's a great idea.

Hi.

Hi.

How's everything?

Perfect. Great.

No problems? Everything's okay, huh?

Couldn't be better.

Couldn't be better.

Is that cement?

Oh, yeah, Burt, it's cement.

Oh, well, good.

As long as everything's okay.

Fine.

Tim, is that blood?

Where? On your nose.

Oh, yeah, it's blood. A little blood on my nose.

Are you okay?

Great.

A little cement, a little blood on my nose...

fine.

How did you get the blood on your nose?

From falling.

I think from falling.

You fell?

In the cement.

How did you fall?

When the guy yelled "help."

When what guy yelled "help"?

The guy who fell first.

Hey. How did he fall?

He slipped.

How did he slip, Tim?

When the bologna dropped out of my lunch pail.

And you reached out

to grab him,

then you fell.

Did you see it happen?

No.

I've been in this business a long time, Tim.

Then I tripped.

On the bologna.

You guys are uncanny.

What happened to the other guy,

the guy who fell?

Oh, he's okay.

He landed in the big sand thing.

Truck?

Right. The truck.

He broke his thermos.

I'll bet.

Well, I've taken enough of your time.

It's all right.

You just drop by any time you like, Tim.

Actually, I came by to quit.

I wrote my resignation

on the bologna wrapper.

Yeah, well,

everything seems to be in order.

You forgot the date.

No. There it is. It's right there.

See, that's the date the bologna expires.

I'll see you.

Wait a minute.

Wait... Wait a minute.

What are doing? Why are you quitting?

Come on, look, aren't you happy here?

I'm a jinx.

Tim, you're not a jinx.

Burt, I almost killed somebody today.

I already have my mother's blood

on my hands.

I think you're both terrific,

and I'll never forget what you've done for me.

But for everbody involved,

it's better if I go.

Goodbye.

So long.

And thanks.

I don't know, I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.

I don't think he was cut out for this kind of work.

Yeah... I guess so.

But Burt,

about my idea for the office space

for the midgets...

Midgets. Will you stop with the midgets?

Midgets get office space for free, Danny.

They do?

Of course... you never heard of

the Small Business Administration?

Open mine. Open mine.

Oh, Elaine.

Oh, thank you.

I hope you like it.

I hope it helps.

Well, I hope that's the last present

so you all can just clear out of there.

Benson!

I was wondering...

did anyone happen to hear

about a plane that landed on the highway?

ALL: No.

Okay. That's it. Party's over. Up and out.

No more coffee.

I got so many lovely presents. Thank you so much.

Thank you very much. That's very nice.

Good luck and goodbye.

Benson, we are not finished yet. I want to make a toast.

With what? You don't have anything in your hand.

You mean it doesn't work otherwise?

No.

It'll work, Mother.

Okay.

I want to make a toast to Jodie and Carol.

May they be as happy as we all are.

Well, uh...

perhaps that wasn't the correct toast to make.

It was a lovely toast, Jess.

Oh, Mary, I don't know.

I mean, look at all of us.

I'm married to a man who doesn't remember.

Eunice is in love

with an escaped convict.

Corinne is married

to a depressed ex-priest.

Carol is going to marry

a homosexual,

and Elaine is married to somebody who had to marry her

or get killed.

You're the only one, Mary,

with a normal marriage.

So I think that the toast should be...

may everyone end up with as beautiful a marriage

as Mary's.

I guess that wasn't the correct toast to make

either.

Uh...

Eunice,

please take everyone out in the kitchen

and... show them the refrigerator.

Yes. Yes.

Come, come, girls.

You'll see the refrigerator.

Oh, good. You know, I've never seen your refrigerator.

Oh, it's a terrific refrigerator.

I love refrigerators.

Oh, Mary, what is it?

Hmm?

Uh...

Burt is having an affair.

Oh, no.

Yes.

Are you sure?

He's been working later and later

and, the other night, he stayed out all night,

and he came home with this cockamamie story

about a plane landing on the highway,

and when he came home that morning, Jess,

he had already showered.

How do you know?

His hair was damp, and he smelled of soap...

a woman's soap.

Men are so dumb to shower.

I mean, Chester used to come home

after a long, hard day's work

smelling better than when he left.

How could he do it, Jess?

How could he do that to me?

Uh...

Mary, you have to talk to him.

Are you kidding?

Oh, Mary, you have to.

I mean, one affair doesn't mean

the end of the marriage.

I mean, if it did,

Chester and I would have been finished

on the honeymoon.

On your honeymoon?

Well, looking back, probably.

Because I...

I really can't think of any other reason

for the chambermaid's underpanties

to end up in my suitcase.

Oh, Jess.

Oh, Jess.

It hurts, Mary. I know.

I know,

and you feel so ugly and clumsy and stupid,

so self-conscious

you don't even want to walk around in front of him.

You don't even want to talk in front of him,

and you're sure he hates you and everything's all over...

but it isn't.

It isn't, Mary.

It feels like it is.

I know. I know.

Isn't this nice?

Nice?

My husband is having an affair,

and you're calling it "nice"?

But you know

what is nice about it, Mary?

I always come running to you

for help.

This is the first time

I've ever been able to help you.

Oh, Jessie, you always help

just by being you and being here.

You always help.

Ooh.

BENSON: Okay, that's it. Tour's over.

Refrigerator is closed.

Let's move 'em out!

Hup, hup, hup, ho.

Will Jodie's upcoming marriage to Carol work?

How will things work out for Jessica

now that Chester thinks he's Marlene Dietrich?

How long will Tim's marriage to Corinne work

now that he's out of work?

Will Burt and Mary's marriage continue to work

now that Burt thinks

Mary's schoolwork wasn't really work?

And since Burt's airplane story didn't work,

will Mary find out what Burt was really working on

with someone from work?

These questions and many others will be answered

in the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.