Original subtitles

In last week's episode of Soap,

Carol told Jodie

she'd love to marry him.

But Carol's father was not in love with the idea.

Chester is coming home to his loved ones

and would love it if he knew who they were.

Mary's professor would love to see more of Mary...

but Mary would love it

if her professor would leave her alone.

Burt has met Mary's professor

and would love Mary to leave school.

Eunice would love to see more of Dutch,

who she loves, but she can't,

because Dutch is running from the police

who would love to catch him.

Elaine told Danny she loves him

and hopes it's not too late for him to love her too.

Danny would love to love her.

And Sally told Burt she loves him,

and she'd love to be his lover.

Confused?

You won't be after this week's episode of... Soap.

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate,

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

So you see, colonel, if we leave before dusk,

we could seize and destroy that bunker.

And that would be a good thing to do, you say.

It's the only logical step

in the liberation of France.

Bentley...

Could you help me? Sure.

My wife will be down in a moment.

Oh. What does she look like?

Dumpy broad, short black hair...

nose like a fish.

What's her name?

Eric.

Thanks.

The bunker, colonel.

Major, are you sure that I'm "Colonel" Tate?

Positive, sir.

Boland...

What is that? Steak.

It's burnt!

You like it that way.

Good morning, darling.

Ah, Monica. Right?

Jessica.

Chester, dear. I'm your wife.

You are? Hey, great.

We get along, don't we?

Yes.

How are you feeling today, Dad?

Dad?

I just introduced myself to him in the bathroom.

But darling, he only remembers things

for a little while.

About five seconds.

This is Billy, Chester.

Oh... Billy Chester.

No, I'm your son, Billy.

My son? My own son.

Oh, what a wonderful thing.

A son, Geraldine.

A fine, strong son.

Oh, Billy...

Bill.

♪ My boy, Bill ♪

♪ Will be as strong And as tall as a tree ♪

♪ My Bill ♪

Have a seat, son.

Smoke?

No, thanks.

Keep it from the rest of the troops,

but the colonel is a lunatic.

Good morning.

Good morning. Have we met?

Begging the colonel's pardon, sir,

but what about our mission?

Oh! Oh, quite right, major. Quite right.

Promise me you'll be here when I return, Marjorie.

Yes.

Well, I'm off.

I'll say.

♪ When Johnny comes Marching home again ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

A real loony.

Mother, what are we gonna do about Daddy?

What do you mean?

I think he needs to be somewhere

where he can get proper care.

He can't get that here.

Maybe there's some place

that has some sort of therapy that could help him.

Oh, Eunice.

You mean put Daddy away... in an institution?

But darling, the doctor said

that he might snap out of it any time.

And maybe not.

Eunice, I don't want him to come out of it

with a bunch of strangers.

I mean, if he looks up

and sees a bunch of faces he doesn't recognize,

he might not know he's come out of it.

Dad and Gramps just blew up Mr. Kirby's garage.

Mr. Kirby's going to be very upset.

Especially since he was parking his car at the time.

Here it is. I packed it up for you.

Thanks.

I think everything is here.

Great. Uh, before I forget,

I wanna give you back your key.

Why don't you keep it?

What am I gonna do with it?

Well, you never know. Maybe someday, you'll...

Then I'll ring the bell.

Just because you're getting married

doesn't mean we have to stop...

It does.

Come on.

My blue v-neck. You know, I thought I lost that.

Listen, you know a lot of guys have mistresses.

You'll have me.

But that is not mine, Dennis.

That is yours.

No, it isn't.

Well, it's not mine.

Sure, it is. You bought it at the flea market.

Dennis, never in my life have I bought a ceramic hippo.

It's yours.

Why is it mine? Because you hate it?

Fine. It's not yours, it's mine.

I love it. I wish I had two.

All right, I'll keep the hippo.

If you think she won't like the hippo, I'll take it.

It has nothing to do with her.

Hey, it doesn't go with her decor.

I understand.

It clashes with Early Uptight.

Goodbye, Dennis.

Jodie, wait. I'm sorry. Please, wait.

What do you want me to do, crawl?

I mean, I rebuff you just one little time...

Rebuffed?

You got married.

Well, still, how long are you gonna make me pay for it?

That's not what I'm doing, Dennis.

That's not what I'm doing at all.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're marrying Carol

because you've suddenly gone straight.

No, I'm marrying her partly because I should

and partly because I want to.

And what about us? I thought you loved me.

I do.

Then how can you marry her?

Dennis, she's having my baby.

So she's having your baby. So what?

And, anyway, how do you know it's yours?

It's mine.

I mean, it could be anybody's.

It probably is.

Dennis, come on.

Jodie, the little slut has got more guys jumping her

than the hurdles.

And you're gonna be the jerk that supports her.

Well, I hope you're happy with spit-up on your shoulder

and a milkman with your wife.

Eunice.

Eunice!

Damn!

Dutch!

Eunice, is that you?

Who is it, please?

What do you mean, who is it? It's me.

Dutch!

Eunice, keep it down, will you?

We don't want the whole world to know we're up here.

Oh, it's okay. Only Mrs. Mendelbaum knows.

Who's Mrs. Mendelbaum?

She's the super of this building.

She buzzed me in. Didn't she buzz you in?

Eunice, I just escaped from prison.

Nobody has to buzz me in.

Eunice, what are you doing on that roof?

You said to meet you on a roof.

So here I am, on a roof... meeting.

Eunice, I said 814 Delancey Street.

You're on 816 Delancey Street!

You said 816 Delancey Street.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You said 816 Delaney Street.

I know this

because your birthday is August 16th.

Eight-sixteen, see?

Eunice, my birthday is August the 14th.

Oh! Oh...

Well, Dutch, come over to my roof, okay?

No, Eunice. It's better this way...

because this is goodbye.

What?

This is goodbye.

Are you crazy?

You call me down to a slum in the middle of the night

for goodbye?

Well, yeah.

I come down here on a subway full of flashers,

right into the middle of junkie heaven for goodbye?

Stay right there, Dutch.

Don't move from your roof.

I'm coming right over there to push you off.

Eunice! Eunice! This is crazy.

You can't be involved with me. It's no good for you.

And if I'm with you, I'm gonna get caught.

Don't worry about it.

In another two minutes, you're gonna be dead!

Eunice! Don't try to come across there.

You could fall!

Eunice? Eunice, what is it?

I'm scared of heights, Dutch.

Stay right there.

Oh, I feel nauseous.

Don't move.

What if I throw up?

Don't look down.

Oh, I hate you!

Eunice, I love you.

Yeah, you love me so much you're leaving me.

But I'm doing it for you.

I'm leaving you for you.

Don't do me any favors.

I don't want you to leave me. I hate you.

No, I don't. I love you.

Okay. Okay. I won't do it.

I'll take you with me. Oh...

Dutch. Eunice.

Oh, Dutch...

Eunice, we're six stories up.

We can't make love in mid-air.

What do you think, I'm a dragonfly?

Back up, honey.

Okay, darling.

Listen, here's the plan.

My grandmother has a little farm,

upstate New York.

Now, nobody knows it's there.

I'm gonna give you my directions how to get there.

And you read 'em very carefully.

And I'll be there tomorrow night.

Oh, Dutch!

A farm, our own little farm!

Oh, I'm so happy.

Oh...

Honey?

Yes, darling. Let go.

Here. Here's the directions.

Here.

Now, you come as soon as you can.

Okay. Goodbye, my darling, and be careful.

Ah, don't hug me. Just kiss me.

I'd better go.

And remember, mum's the word.

Okay. Shh.

Mum's the word.

Mrs. Mendelbaum!

Where is it?

I smelled it coming up the driveway!

Oh! I love popcorn.

You know, when I go to the movies,

it's just to eat the popcorn.

I don't care what's playing.

Me too.

You know, one day when you were 2 years old,

I gave you some popcorn,

and you shoved it up your little nose.

It wasn't a sad story. What's the matter?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, Corinne. Oh, That's wonderful!

I mean, that is really wonderful.

No?

It's a terrible time to have a baby.

Tim can't find a job, and we're living here.

He's so depressed.

How can I have a baby when everything's wrong?

You mean you want to wait until everything's right?

You might never have a baby.

But you see...

when I thought of me pregnant,

I kind of pictured it differently, you know.

Like, I pictured

a little Cape Cod house with a vegetable garden,

and Tim going off to work,

and me fixing food

in my little country kitchen.

The only thing I got right was the food.

It's just not how I pictured it.

Nothing ever is.

Do you think it would be wrong if I didn't have the baby?

It isn't a question of wrong.

But I do think that if you don't want a baby,

then you shouldn't have a baby.

You know what?

I think you want the baby.

I do.

It's just... I'm afraid to have a baby

when we have nothing.

Oh... you have more than nothing.

I mean, you may not have the kitchen

and the garden and the house, but you have Tim.

He loves you very much.

That's much better than a Cape Cod kitchen, Corinne.

It's a Cape Cod house, Ma.

Much better than a Cape Cod house, Corinne.

I know.

Why do you want to live on Cape Cod?

I mean, it's very damp, Corinne.

You're never gonna have a nice hairdo.

I don't wanna live on Cape Cod.

Then why do you want a house there?

It's a type of house, Ma.

Oh.

You're scared, aren't you?

You know, every time I was pregnant, I was scared.

I was always afraid

I wouldn't know how to be a mother...

although I already was a mother.

But I was always scared

that I wouldn't know how to do it.

And I did it.

Do you think I'd be a good mother?

Oh, you'll be a wonderful mother...

Like me.

It's kind of exciting, you know?

I know.

I'm gonna have a baby.

You told me.

A baby!

A baby!

My baby is going to have a baby.

Now, I don't want you to think

that I started that train strike

just to drive you home.

Thanks for the ride.

You have incredible eyes.

No, they cross.

Listen, I've got a headache.

Could I trouble you for some aspirin?

I don't think we have any.

Could you look?

Oh, yes. Wait right here.

Hello...

Oh... Hi.

Jeez, I'm sorry.

We thought we were alone. Obviously.

Hi.

Hey, Ma.

Sit down.

Professor Martins was just having some aspirin,

and then he's leaving, so sit.

Oh, no, no, it's okay. We really have to go.

Oh, don't be silly. Stay.

There's no reason to leave.

Oh, no, that's okay.

We have tickets to go see Chorus Line.

Oh, forget it. It's a terrible play.

It got awful reviews.

Don't waste your time. Stay here.

But Ma, Chorus Line has been a hit

for a couple of years.

Oh, Chorus Line.

Yeah.

I thought you said Conga Line.

Because Conga Line was a terrible play.

No, it's Chorus Line we're seeing.

Good night, Ma.

Good night, Mare. Good night.

Good night, professor.

Good night. Good night.

Well, did the devil and Miss Jones leave?

Hi, Chuck. Hello, Bob. How are you?

Uh, right now?

How do you say... looking for action.

No, we were...

just on our way out, Mary.

Oh, no, don't go. Stay.

Sit down. Let's chat for a while.

Oh, not tonight, Mary. Not tonight.

Because tonight I got me a date with a doll.

How was the aspirin?

Oh, fine. Fine.

Good.

Well, good night.

Oh, so soon?

Good night.

How'd you get that?

What, my neck or...

No, that... that scar.

Oh, oh, that. Well, uh...

when my sister and I were young,

we saw this Errol Flynn movie,

and we were practicing a duel with coat hangers, and she won.

Oh, how horrible. Horrible.

Well, it happened over 36 years ago.

I'm over the initial shock.

Anatole!

What in the world are you doing?

Well, I'm just attracted to you,

and I can't help showing my feelings.

Well, I can't help showing

my feelings either.

Get out. Mary...

Anatole, please.

What are you doing? No, wait.

Well, I'm not just gonna stand here.

I'll go tell him...

I'll tell him what?

Look, Burt, do something.

Do... what can I do? Do what?

Oh, God! Get me away from here.

Oh, boy!

Well, you are lucky

my husband wasn't here to see this,

because you would not be alive to groan.

Get out!

Burt...

Come in.

I didn't know who else to call.

Well, what happened?

You said "any time."

That's right.

Any time, anywhere, any place...

Well, I know it's late, but here I am anyhow.

Burt, What happened?

Nothing much.

I went home and found Mary and her professor...

Mary and her pro...

I found Mary and her professor...

Oh, no.

Yeah. I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know whether to burst in or what.

I felt like bursting in.

I was so angry,

but I didn't know what to do once I burst in.

I mean, I wasn't gonna kill him, so why burst in?

What was I gonna do?

Burst in, put out some Taco chips,

and talk about it?

So I just went into a bar,

and I had a drink... or 17.

It's okay, though,

because I hold my liquor very well.

Hey!

Hey, maybe it was the professor and some other woman.

Maybe Mary loaned them the couch.

There.

That wasn't very strong, though, Sal.

That was ginger ale, Burt.

I think you've had enough.

Hey, you know what?

It was probably the upholsterer.

Mary wanted new slipcovers for the couch,

and he was getting a look at it.

An upholsterer who looked like the professor,

getting a good look at the couch...

on top of Mary.

I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna break...

Crazy place for a table.

Who put the table in here?

Burt, you're not going home.

You're too drunk, and you're too upset.

What's he do?

What's he do, recite poetry to her?

Is that the big attraction?

Is that what does it, a little poetry?

A guy comes along, tells you your eyes are pools...

off comes the pantyhose?

Is that what I have to go through life

worried about?

Guys who rhyme their way into my marriage?

I can't believe she did that to you.

I mean, I just can't believe it.

Well, if you can't believe it,

can you imagine the trouble I'm having here?

How could she ever do that to you?

If I was married to you,

I'd never even look at another man.

You wouldn't?

Oh, are you kidding?

Doesn't she know how lucky she is?

She should thank God she has you.

Instead, she's off... God! That makes me sick.

How could she do that to you?

And in your own house, no less.

And on our couch.

On your couch.

I picked that couch out.

You didn't.

The color, I picked out the color.

It's a good color. It goes with everything.

Oh, it's going with everything now.

Oh, Mary...

I never thought she would do that.

I mean, how could she do what she's doing?

And now what am I gonna do

now that she's done what she did?

Oh, God.

It's who I married...

I wanna die.

Burt, you can't leave.

I could, if I could find the door.

You're in absolutely no condition to go anywhere.

You're sleeping here tonight.

Where?

On the couch.

Oh, well, as long as it's on the couch.

With me.

Will Eunice be happy living on a farm with Dutch?

Will Jodie be happy with Carol?

Or will he be unhappy without Dennis?

How happy will Tim be

when he finds out Corinne is pregnant?

Will Burt make Sally happy?

And if he does, how happy will that make Burt?

Will Mary be happy

studying English in the professor's class...

or should she take karate instead?

For the sake of everyone's happiness,

should Jessica put Chester away?

Or should she let him go through life

as a happy-go-lucky idiot?

These questions and many others

will be answered on next week's episode of... Soap.

Soap was videotaped before a studio audience.