Original subtitles

(bird screeching)

(motors roaring)

(water splashing)

(water splashing)

(engine rattling)

(engines rumbling)

(engine rattling)

(guns clacking)

(bird screeching)

- Hey, guys, come on please, man.

All I wanna do is go back to my car, huh?

Look, I don't want any trouble.

- Jesus loves you, my friend.

- That's terrific news.

♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪

♪ Marching as to war ♪

♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪

♪ Going on before ♪ (water splashing)

♪ Christ, the royal banner ♪

(men grunting)

("Believe It or Not")

(bell ringing)

- So how's it going with the class?

- Listen to 'em.

You can hear 'em all the way down here.

Ray, I've had this class two weeks,

and I'm getting nowhere with them.

It sounds like cowboy night at the Palomino Club.

- Yeah, well, that's special education for you, Ralph.

I mean, these kids are in here 'cause they're trouble.

They're disrupting the entire high school, you know?

We get pencils and notebooks.

What we need is riot guns and helmets.

Hey, look, look, I'm sorry you got the duty.

I really am.

I sympathize.

But I had this class for eight months,

and my medical insurance about got canceled.

Just sit on 'em, keep the door closed,

wear a flack vest, and read them the Sunday funnies.

You'll make it.

- I just thought maybe I could get these kids

back into the mainstream of the school.

I mean, that is the general idea, isn't it?

Some of these kids are really smart, Ray, like Rhonda.

- You talkin' about love me Rhonda?

Come on, Ralph, get serious.

You got a trash can in there.

Now, you get soft on these kids,

and they're gonna plow you right under.

- I just think I oughta be able to do some good,

get them interested, even one.

Is that so damned impossible?

(chair scrapes)

- Looks like your chair, Ralph.

Hey, look, a good technique here is,

is just to get it and throw it right back in at 'em.

Or there's the Clyde Beatty technique.

Use it to keep 'em at bay.

- I'm gonna make a difference with these kids.

- Yeah, it sounds like yours truly eight months ago.

And then they filled my gas tank with sand,

they poured kerosene on my lawn,

and my spirit of rehabilitation

just kind of went right out the window.

And I went to defense tactics.

Here you go, sport.

Knock 'em dead.

- Thanks, Ray.

(students socializing)

Hey, hey, let's knock it off, huh?

Can we come to order, please?

(chair bangs)

(bulletin board crashes)

Good morning.

- [Students] Good morning, teacher.

- [Ralph] What do we got here,

an elimination or a main event?

- Oh, we was having a discussion about current events.

Sorta a recap on yesterday's class, Mr. H.

- Name's Ralph Hinkley, Tony, not Mr. H., okay?

- Who cares, huh?

I mean what cares about you.

You're just this month's checkered coat, Jim.

You don't make no difference to me.

Hey, how 'bout I show you my right hook after class?

How 'bout that, Mr. H.?

- Oh, yeah, Tony, yeah, yeah. - Show him, Tony.

- You know, maybe that's not a bad idea, Tony.

Suppose I call Coach Freeman and tell him you and I

are gonna do three three-minute rounds

in the gym tomorrow with gloves and headgear?

- Why not now, sucker?

We don't need no head gear.

- No, I got something else planned

for today, but we'll do it tomorrow.

- Oh, oh, oh, do I love this.

Do I love this.

How 'bout this, Rhonda, huh?

- You're a clown, Tony.

- Yeah, okay, okay, hey, we're getting out of here today.

We're going on a field trip.

- (chuckles) A field trip?

(laughs) Man, we never go nowhere.

Ain't nobody told you?

See, this class gets loose in public,

everybody's insurance premiums go up.

(all laughing)

- I arranged for a van.

We're gonna go out to the desert today.

- The desert?

- Yeah, I want you guys to see some stuff out there.

Call it a geological trip, all right?

Come on, get your stuff together.

Let's go.

Come on, move!

(students murmuring)

Let's go!

Do me a favor, Tony, why don't

you pick up that chair for me?

Hey, man, you want me?

You do what I say.

(chair bangs)

♪ My mom just left again ♪

♪ My dad don't understand ♪

♪ I got no job, I'm broke ♪

♪ I feel like I'm a joke ♪

♪ I doubt that I'm the only one ♪

♪ I need a place where I can run ♪

♪ Why can't I just have some fun ♪

♪ It's just my life ♪

♪ I couldn't change it if I tried ♪

♪ But I don't I care ♪

♪ I might as well just run and hide ♪

♪ It's just my life ♪

♪ And it's all I've got to live ♪

- Honey, you're a little over-trained.

I only ate half the pie, and I sent it back,

and a cup of coffee, please.

Thank you.

(students yelling)

- Hey, you guys, remember where we're from all right?

The table in the back.

The table in the back, the table in the back.

Come on, let's go.

Let's go, let's go.

- Hey, hey, you?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm talkin' to you.

You got a problem or somethin'?

You don't like the way I look?

- Hey, Tony, come on.

Come on, sit down.

- Get a load of this guy.

Looks like he stole Elliot Ness' wardrobe or somethin'?

I don't like the way you look.

How 'bout that? - Come on, Tony.

Let's give this guy the day off, all right?

- Hey, what am I, spit, huh?

This guy looks at me like I'm some kind of bug,

some kind of nothing bug, a cockroach--

- If you're looking for trouble,

you've just come across the west coast distributor.

- Oh, oh, oh, I love this.

We got a smart mouth on our hands.

(students cheering)

A fighter.

- I'll get this guy cooled out, all right?

- If you're gonna run around with the monkeys,

you gotta remember to bring the cages.

It saves trouble up front.

- Yeah, come on.

- But then like they say, clothes don't make the man.

I mean, if you wanna dress like Archie Bunker going

to church, I mean, whose business is that but yours, right?

I mean, I'm real loose on that point.

- Come on, Tony.

Let's go look at the menu.

- Yeah, right, I'm gonna go take a look at the menu.

- Take any more of these things off ya,

I'm gonna have to open a shop in Tijuana.

Now, go on.

Sit down.

(students socializing)

Listen, I'm sorry.

- That's nice.

That makes everything all right then.

- I said I'm sorry.

What do you want, a trip to Europe?

- Leave me alone, pal.

I got my own problems.

- Well, yeah, sure, you bet.

Listen.

We're a special ed class.

We're here on a field trip.

Now, sometimes these kids, they get a little raunchy.

That's all, and I apologize.

I'd like to buy your lunch or something.

(peaceful strings music)

(radio beeps)

- [Paco] Whoa, man, check that out!

(radio explodes) (students yelling)

- [Rhonda] Get it, Tony, get it, yeah!

(students cheering and clapping)

- [Paco] How come we're not on the road anymore?

- [John] Hey, what happened to the engine, Mr. Hinkley?

(engine rattling)

(students arguing)

- How long can you keep this stuff up?

(door slams)

(car bangs) (engine starts)

What the hell's going on out here?

- [John] Gee, let me out of here!

(students yelling)

(engine rattling)

- I think it's just some kind of power short or something.

(door slams)

- There's a gas station back there about a mile.

I'm gonna leave you guys here.

Rodriguez, you're in charge.

I want you to stick close to the van,

and don't tear up the upholstery.

- Oh, hey, come on, man.

I don't wanna be in charge of nothin'.

- You're in charge.

Anything gets broken up, it's your tail.

- Oh, Paco, you get to be the classroom monitor.

Lucky pucky.

(students laughing)

- Back in half an hour!

(engine roaring)

(tires squealing)

Hey, wait a minute!

What are you doing?

Hey! (car horn honking)

(engine rumbling)

Boy, you take yourself way too seriously, pal.

- No, don't do that.

That's my best pistolo.

What's the matter with you?

- [Ralph] I wanna know what kind

of an institution did you escape from?

- This one.

- FBI.

You just tried to run me down!

- No, no, it just went.

I don't know what.

I couldn't control it.

Maybe the steering knuckle broke.

I don't know what happened.

(door slams)

(trunk slams) (suspenseful orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Bill groaning)

- Well?

- I can't see anything.

It looks okay to me.

Daffy Duck government equipment, nothing works.

- Something weird's going on out here.

(engine rattling)

- These creeps have never heard of preventive maintenance.

What is it?

(suspenseful funk music)

- Get it out of here.

(engine rattling) - I can't.

(car banging)

(dramatic synth and orchestral music)

(jet engine whirring)

(engine roars)

- [Franklin] The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

(Hitler speaking in German)

(audience cheering)

(regal marching band music)

- [Man] You.

- [Woman] Will.

- [Man] At.

- [Woman] The.

- [Man] Car.

- [Woman] You.

- [Man] Will.

- [Man] Listen.

- [Man] You.

- [Man] Will.

- [Woman] Decide.

- [John] Bill?

Hello, Bill?

- John, is that you?

- [John] Bill, I'm in the spaceship.

Now, the people here what you and

Ralph Hinkley to work for them.

They want Mr. Hinkley to accept a gift

which contains these unearthly powers.

- Unearthly powers?

- [John] It's a suit that will

work on Mr. Hinkley, nobody else.

There are these instructions.

You're supposed to work with him,

to tell him what problems that need to be solved.

It is up to you whether to accept.

If you don't accept, then in two weeks,

the suit will disintegrate.

- A suit?

I don't need a suit.

I got plenty of suits.

- I'm coming down, okay?

(spaceship roars)

(dramatic orchestral music)

Hey, Bill, I'm gonna put it in the trunk, okay?

Okay?

- Yeah, in the trunk.

Whatever.

- Mr. Hinkley, it's up to you and Bill now.

You've gotta do this.

You've gotta take this on.

You can change things.

Save this planet from destruction.

- Who shot ya?

Who did that to you, John?

Are you all right?

- I'm dead.

Ain't that a laugh?

Been dead for six hours.

The ship picked me up out there afterwards.

I'm leaving with them.

It's a new life for me.

Nice working with you, Bill.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(jet engine whirring)

(Bill coughs)

(Ralph coughs)

(locks click)

(Ralph coughs)

(spaceship hisses)

- He was dead.

- I noticed.

- I'll see ya, kid.

Enjoy the package.

- Wait a minute.

What are we supposed to do?

- You're the teacher.

(engine starts)

- Well, Mr. Maxwell, we have to talk about this.

- You talk about it.

Let 'em put you in the bug bin, not me.

- Hey, wait a minute.

We gotta at least exchange phone numbers or something?

(tires squealing)

God!

You jerk!

(mellow acoustic guitar music)

♪ We found a dream house, backyard picket fence ♪

♪ Moving boxes, memories in hand ♪

♪ I thought of days gone by ♪

♪ And I took that homeward drive ♪

♪ A voice inside me cried at what I saw ♪

♪ Well, it told me this is not ♪

♪ Your town ♪

- Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Stop dropping the matches in the carburetor.

It ain't never gonna get fixed.

♪ Take a look and you will find ♪

♪ You had some other place in mind ♪

- Hey, look, Villicana, this ain't no ravioli dinner here.

This is an engine, right?

So why don't you go blow garlic in somebody else's face.

- How about I just dropkick you into next week?

- You and what army, chump?

- Hey, hold it!

Hold it!

- Hey, Mr. H.

Hey, did you see those weird lights out there?

- What are you doing with the carburetor?

- Hey, check it out.

We're fixing this pig.

- Tony, what'd you do that for?

There wasn't anything wrong with it.

- Hey, don't get all lathered up.

You ain't talking to no inexperienced guys here.

We both been in auto shop most of our high school careers.

- Come on, hurry up, get that thing out.

I wanna get out of here.

- Hey, Mr. Hinkley, did you see them shooting lights?

- Where'd you guys go?

Rodriguez, I told you to stick tight.

Come on, Tony, let's get going.

I wanna go.

- Hey, Mr. Hinkley, can I speak to you, please?

It's important.

- And don't lose anything.

- Can I talk to you, please?

It's private.

- [Cyler] Why don't you put that with the other thing?

Hey, hey, how'd you do that?

Hey, they didn't work before.

- Well, they work now.

- Hey, Mr. H., I've been thinking about for lunch tomorrow,

you better order up something nice and soft

because you're gonna be chewing with busted teeth.

- Whoa, yeah!

- I'm a killer.

Check it out.

(car bangs)

- Give me a hand over here, killer.

You got that Lincoln spring?

- Yeah, I got that Lincoln spring.

- Give it up. - Man, give some light.

- Do you like me, Mr. Hinkley?

- Of course, I like you.

- You think I'm cheap?

- Look, Rhonda.

- My mother thinks I'm cheap, but then

she's cheap, so how would she know.

- Look, Rhonda, I know you think that there's something

going between us, but I'm just your teacher.

(contemplative synth music)

- Well, you know what you are?

You're spit, and I hope Tony hurts you real bad.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Rhonda.

- Just forget it because you don't care, and nobody cares.

- [Ralph] Rhonda!

Rhonda!

- [Director] We'll be ready in two minutes.

Notify the Vice President.

- Oh, that'll be fine.

I want to talk to the Vice President.

Ah, you're looking good, Adam.

- I read the speech, Nelson.

It's kind of unrelenting.

- Now, let's not get cold feet now.

This is your chance to correct

that weak image people have of you.

- Well, it's just that the policies are set

by the President, and I think I--

- I had hoped that it wouldn't be necessary

to review your career, but if you recall,

I got you the Vice Presidential nomination.

I bought it two years ago when you were

a nothing governor from a nowhere state.

And now, I'm going to put you in the

highest office in this nation.

- I guess it's just that I'm not a risk taker.

(door knocking)

- [Director] Is the Vice President ready?

- Is he, Adam?

- I come to you with feelings of remorse,

and the distinct knowledge that I may be

on the brink of political suicide.

I've decided to go against party platforms

and to use my position to point out growing concerns

I have on several international

and domestic issues facing our nation.

- Mr. Hinkley, I was getting kind of worried.

You know, you said six o'clock, and it's 11:30.

- I had some car trouble.

Thanks for staying, Susan.

Kevin, okay?

- Oh, he's terrific.

He's upstairs asleep.

Ms. Davidson called, said to tell you it's important.

I gotta go.

- Okay, how much do I owe you, honey?

- Thanks for the tip.

See ya!

- We stand on a terrible precipice.

The world waits for us to make a move.

We cannot underestimate the importance

of our domestic problems.

If our business community fails,

indeed, our entire nation fails.

(peaceful piano and strings music)

(box whirring)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Oh, please.

Would you look at this thing?

It's a bird.

It's a plane.

It's Ralph Hinkley.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- [Ralph] Hi, it's me.

- Hi, how's everything out on the desert?

- What's up?

- Well, tomorrow is about the most important day

in this whole custody suit, so dress for the occasion.

And remember, Alicia will be pawing the ground

and breathing fire on our little band of crusaders.

- Oh, did you see her today?

- Mm-mm, I spoke to her attorney.

He told me she has a beautiful tan

from her modeling assignment in Brazil.

Apparently, the bathing suit commercial was a total success.

She'll make lots of money, and she's

all set to lavish it on Kevin.

- Well, that's an encouraging tidbit.

- [Pam] You sound down.

- Yeah.

- Look, Ralph, it's not gonna be that tough.

As your attorney, I can say we have it nailed down.

She's off all over the place on these modeling assignments.

She can't be yanking him in and out of schools.

We'll do just fine.

Remember, 12 o'clock, County Courthouse,

Judge Nesson's chambers, second floor.

- Thanks, Pam.

- Are you okay, hun?

You sound wasted.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

- [Batman] Batman to Super Friends, priority one emergency.

- There's nothing to worry about.

I should be able to neutralize it with my super breath.

- [Batman] Batman to Robin, I'm

not getting good enough readings.

- Oh.

- [Batman] I've got to fly the

Batcopter into the eye of the tornado.

(dramatic orchestral music)

Oh boy.

Hi, sailor.

- Superman, men all over the world are being dematerialized

by strange possessed women with glowing eyes.

We need your help.

- I'll contact the rest of the Super Friends

and have them keep an eye out for those strange women.

- [Narrator] In seconds, the call goes out

(phone ringing)

alerting the other Super Friends to the impending emergency.

- [Ralph] Hey, Kev, would you get the phone?

- [Batman] What we need, Robin,

is one more Super Friend that can fly.

Robin, prepare ion static rays.

(door knocking)

It should break up the tornado.

- Yeah!

- It's Pam!

She says she wants to talk to you.

- [Ralph] Oh?

All right, Kev.

Why don't you go downstairs and put the eggs on, all right?

(handle clanking)

- What's going on?

How come the door's locked?

- [Ralph] Oh, locked?

- Can I come in?

- [Ralph] Oh, yeah, let me unlock the door, huh?

- Daddy, what is that?

- Kevin, come on now.

Don't ask silly questions.

Let's go downstairs and talk to Pam.

- You have a phone in here.

What was that, a cape?

- Kevin, come on.

Come on.

Now, don't argue with me.

Yeah, hello, how you doing?

- Well, I was worried about you last night.

- Oh, yeah, well I'm doing much better now.

Thanks.

- Okay, well just be on time.

12 o'clock, and don't worry.

Everything'll be fine.

Kiss Kevin for me.

- Yeah, I will.

Thanks for calling, bye.

- [Narrator] Are the most powerful sources

of good ever assembled, Superman,

Batman and Robin, Wonder Woman, Aquaman,

dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.

- What's that in the bag, Dad?

- This?

Oh, it's nothing.

Listen, Kev, did you happen to see

kind of a black book type of binder

with lights in the living room this morning?

- [Kevin] Is it from school?

- Tell you the truth, honey,

I don't know where it's from.

- I didn't see one, Dad.

- Darn it.

I must've lost it in the desert.

- [Kevin] Is everything okay?

- Yeah, everything is A-okay.

You know what?

We're both gonna be late for school.

- You gonna see Mommy today?

Say hi from me, okay?

(dramatic synth and strings music)

- Hey, listen, honey.

This thing with me and Mommy, you know

that we both love ya, and we both want ya.

And, I don't want you to have to choose

'cause that's not fair, but I just thought maybe

there's something you'd like to to say about it.

- I love you, and I love Mom.

- Come here.

And I love you too, Kevin.

Let's go, huh?

(mellow funk music)

(engine rumbling)

(watch clicking)

(Dave clears throat)

It's still running, I hope.

- Oh, a little early morning humor aimed at taking

the sting out of missing assembly, hm?

- Star Spangled Banner is a killer to sing.

I'm trying to slip in a little late

these days, save the strain on my voice.

- So, who's the clown in the upper school bathroom?

I think he's in there throwing up.

And he says he's a friend of yours.

- Look, Dave, why don't you give me some air, all right?

- Hinkley, get that drunk out of the upper school bathroom

before the assembly is over, you got that?

- Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Well, well, well, Lawrence of Palmdale,

the old desert chicken.

How you doing, Bill?

- I got an ulcer that kicks up when I'm under stress.

- Rye whiskey, why don't you try some battery acid?

- Not the best therapy, no.

I haven't been drunk in 10 years.

I couldn't handle last night.

I don't believe in that stuff, whatever it was.

Poor John walking around, dead.

We did see it.

It was real.

- Yep.

- There's something you gotta know about me.

I'm by the book, always have been,

always will be, by the book, and it really bends my frame

when things get over into the margins.

- Into the margins.

I'd say we're clear off the page here.

- And I don't think you're my kind of guy,

nothing personal just a fact of life.

All this is kind of an apology

for running out on you last night.

That's not my style, either, definitely not,

so (coughs) I apologize.

- It's high on my all-time list of favorites.

Listen, you gotta go.

I gotta class.

- Whoa, wait a minute.

Just wait a second.

We got a little problem here, you and me.

We got this suit or whatever

that we're supposed to use?

Is that the way you read it?

- I'm supposed to use.

It's a small point, but I think a pertinent one.

- Well, what I got here, what you don't got,

Mr. Hinkley, is a dead partner.

If you will recall, somebody shot him full of holes,

which is a definite no-no in my book.

That's the same one I mentioned

a moment ago, the one I go by.

All right, I think I got a way for us to go.

First of all, I run the show.

You got any problem with that?

- Yeah, a little one, maybe a big one.

- (chuckles) Tough.

You take your instructions from me.

We figure out a best-guess scenario

on what's going on, work from that.

At least, until I find whoever it was nailed John, okay?

Did you read the manual yet, the instructions?

- No. (bell ringing)

I gotta go.

- Try on the suit? - Well, sort of.

- What happened?

- Well, nothing really.

I haven't quite figured out how it's supposed to work yet.

- Well, you should've read the instructions first.

It's bound to be weird.

- Oh, I doubt that.

I think if they're as powerful as we've already seen,

they would make it fairly simple to use.

- What's your address?

I'll go over and start reading.

- It's not there. - Where is it?

- Lost. - Come again?

- The suit's in the car.

I lost the instruction book.

- Come on, kid, don't play around.

- It's gone.

Disappeared right after you did

and before I got back to the van.

I mean, it's a long walk.

It's almost a mile.

- Yeah, I really got me a live one here.

Oh, boy.

- Look, I gotta go.

Listen, you call me in a couple of days.

If I figure out how to make it work, we can meet then.

- We'll figure it out now, butterfingers.

And the next time I tell you something,

the only thing I wanna hear out of you

is, "Yes, sir," or, "How soon?"

That's all.

That's it.

That's the basic drill.

- I'm the guy with the suit, Mr. Maxwell.

You give me any problems, I'm gonna

turn you into 170 pounds of dog chow.

Now, you call me in a couple of days.

That's the drill.

- Oh.

Try not to lose the suit.

(students cheering) (punches thudding)

- That's it, now get it up.

That's it, stick him.

Stick him, that's right.

(whistle blows)

(punch thuds)

- Hey, hey, hey, come on, ref!

(whistle blows)

- Hey, Tony, come on, man!

- Tony, come on!

- Hey, late shot?

I'll give you a late shot.

- All right, listen to me now.

Here's what we gotta do.

Now, I want you to dig and stick this guy and move.

Now, go to the body on him.

Go to the body.

Keep your right up and stick and dig and move

and stick and stick and stick and move and dig and stick.

(whistle blows) Okay?

Okay, here we go, pal.

You got it. (students cheering)

All right, we got this kid.

He's ours!

The kid's ours!

Go get him, Ralphie boy!

(students cheering)

(punches thudding)

Stick, jab, jab, that's it!

That's it, that's it!

Come on!

Hey, hey, ref, watch the trip!

That's it, that's it!

(whistle blows)

- Good fight.

One, one, and even, it's a draw.

- A draw? - Come on!

(students jeering)

- Hey, Mr. Hinkley, you want some more, you just ask.

- No, Tony, you got too much for me.

- Yeah, spin a guy all the way!

(mellow pop music)

- Hey, Mr. H., Hinkley.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that late shot, you know?

I ain't used to fighting rules, so it was like a reflex.

- I accept your apology.

- Hey, I wasn't apologizing.

I was, like, explaining.

- Well, Tony, I accept your explanation.

- See, with me, it's like respect, you know?

I mean, you got a guy's respect, you got everything, right?

- [Ralph] Yeah, yeah, that's true.

- So, okay, you come down here,

you put on the gloves with me,

you take one hell of a beating,

and I'm saying, "Hey, it takes a big dude," right?

So, okay, I'm also saying maybe I was wrong.

But I'm also saying you mess with my squeeze,

I'm gonna have to pop you in the melon again.

- Tony, I'm not interested in Rhonda, believe me.

I'm just trying to teach her, that's all.

Maybe she needs some of that respect you're talking about.

You ever think about that?

- Hey, man, she's just a girl, you know what I mean?

- Yeah, well, listen, she's got feelings just like you,

and all you guys, you treat her

like she's some kind of a pushover.

- She likes you.

- She likes me because I treat her with respect, that's all.

Why don't you try that?

Listen, send her some flowers.

I gotta go.

- Flowers?

Hey, I ain't no Cary Grant.

(locker slams)

(contemplative funk music)

- Oh no, I'll never make court.

(tires squealing)

(upbeat funk music)

(horn honking)

(tires squealing)

(coin clinks)

(coin release clanks)

What?

The suit, no, (chuckles) mad idea.

Stay on the ground, boy. (coin clinks)

(coin clinks)

(groans) Boy, I hate this.

I really hate this.

Jeez, in a toilet putting on long

underwear, where's my life going?

I'm gonna miss court.

Jesus, if I get caught, I am dead.

- Jerry, how many times does Daddy have to tell you?

Tell me when you have to go, and not wait until it's too...

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know the bathroom was in use.

- Oh yeah, I'm a--

- We can come back.

- No, that's all right.

I'm leaving.

I just needed to get this cape attached to my...

Look, I know this seems really nuts, but I'm not,

see, what I'm doing here is I'm

late for a court appearance, and--

- Look, it's okay.

It's okay, really.

Look, we're all through anyways.

- [Ralph] No, it's all right.

- No, don't touch us!

Look, I don't know what you want to do with us.

We're leaving!

(upbeat orchestral music)

My boy and I aren't safe!

You want to do something about this?

- Hey, I'm all through!

It's all yours!

- And don't tell me he's a ballet dancer!

He's in there with a cape on and some tights!

(upbeat funk music)

(engine rumbling)

("Believe It or Not")

("Believe It or Not")

- You're not doing it right.

- Huh?

- You're not doing it right.

You gotta run like three steps

and jump with your hands out in front of you.

- Oh, see, I've never done this before.

It's my first, what do you call it?

Flight.

- My Daddy's calling the police.

- Terrific.

Three steps, huh?

- [Kid] You jump hard, like off a diving board.

You're not very good at this.

- Tell me about it, kid.

("Believe It or Not") (Ralph screams)

(parrot squawks)

(Ralph screams)

(wall crashes)

(wind whistling)

(Ralph screams)

(sign bangs)

(Ralph crashes)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(camera whirs)

(camera whirs)

(siren wails)

Damn.

- We got another trendsetter here.

Where do we get these guys?

How do we feel?

- Oh, I don't know.

I just hit this wall here.

- It's the first of many is my guess.

You got a wallet tucked in your little outfit here?

I'd like to get some ID.

- I think I lost it.

Look.

I know I look kind of silly here.

I know you think I'm some kind

of grade A mental case, but I'm not.

My name is Ralph Hinkley, and I'm a schoolteacher.

- You teach modern dance or something?

- I'm a special ed teacher.

Now, look.

I didn't do anything.

What I did here isn't against the law.

- How about we take a little ride, Mr. Hinkley,

by County Hospital, maybe get a psychiatric profile?

You know, just for the fun of it.

Now, how does that sound?

- Please, don't do this.

- Now, this can go down easy, or it

can go down hard, Mr. Hinkley.

Either way, it's okay with us.

(window knocking)

- My cape is...

- Ah, right, sorry.

(gloomy synth music)

(engine starts)

(siren wailing)

- [Attendant] Dr. Parker, Dr. Phil Parker,

emergency admitting.

- This is a mistake.

- Mm-hm. - I don't need to be here.

- Aha, just have a seat.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

- [Woman] Look, look, Howard.

- Well, if you ask me, the guy

needs a little air in his tires.

Apparently, the guy was out for a little afternoon stroll

and punched his head into a brick wall.

Just for laughs, I guess.

Anyway, Dave and I would like somebody to show him

the square blocks or round holes

'cause I think the guy's running on pure ether.

May have a concussion as well

'cause he was out when we found him.

- Uh-huh, we have an admittance, security station room six.

Orderly, please!

Well, now how's that head Mr.--

- Hinkley, Ralph Hinkley.

Now, look, I know that you think that I'm nuts,

but the fact of the matter is I was

on my way to a friend's house.

This is a practical joke.

I fell down, and these policemen, they picked me up,

and they brought me in here, but I'm not crazy.

I'm not.

Really, I'm not crazy.

- Well, why don't we just go on

back here and see about that head?

- I'm not crazy!

- That's a bad outfit, Jim.

- Is there someone we should notify?

- Pam Davidson, she's an attorney.

She's at Judge Nesson's office at the courthouse.

I just missed an appointment with her.

I've gotta talk to her.

Listen, I'm not crazy.

Believe me, I'm not.

- We'll call her, orderly.

- [Ralph] This has been a terrible mistake.

Hey!

This was a practical joke.

See, I'm not crazy.

See, this was a practical joke.

- Here we are, room six.

- Oh boy, oh, wait, oh boy.

Hey, you know what?

- Relax. - But I feel much--

- Just relax.

These straps have been stress-tested at 5,000 pounds.

Okay, that's it.

Let's go.

(dramatic funk music)

(guns clacking)

(portal fizzles)

(door knocking)

- [Brother Michael] Hi, I'm a friend of Jesus.

- Yeah, what's up?

- [Brother Michael] Could I come in for a second?

I'd like to tell you about our good work.

(door crashes)

(straps clack)

(portal fizzling)

You're coming with us.

We've got the Lord's work to do.

- What on God's earth are you wearing?

Alicia hired a private detective.

He showed up at the courthouse just before I left.

He had a picture of you lying under a wall in that suit.

He said the cops arrested you.

Then, I got a call from the nurse, and I came right over.

I assume there's some sort of rational explanation.

- Yeah, there's an explanation.

I'm not so sure it's all that rational.

- Are you all right?

You look ridiculous.

- Well, thank you.

Gee, I'm glad you like the outfit.

It's quite a showstopper, isn't it?

- You guys are Gabriel's Army, aren't you?

(portal fizzling)

You killed my partner, John Mackie.

- Agent Mackie found his salvation.

- Where are you taking me?

- To your salvation.

- Salvation?

- Salvation?

- Can't you see that?

- It's a wall.

I see a wall.

What do you see?

- It's the suit.

- Okay, Ralph, you sit down, and

I'm gonna go get a doctor, okay?

- Looks like Sand Canyon highway.

- Oh, really?

Is it a painting of the highway?

- Where's your car?

- It's in the parking lot.

- I'd fly, but I haven't quite got the hang of it yet.

- Fly? - I gotta get out of here.

(keys jingling)

- Ralph, I think you're very sick.

I don't know why, or how it could've happened so quickly,

but maybe it was the strain of Alicia coming back

and filing for custody of Kevin or something.

I don't know, but whatever it is,

we've got to get you straight in one big hurry.

You see, if the judge gets his hands on this,

you can forget ever keeping Kevin or retaining custody.

- You think I like this?

You think I like wearing this silly suit?

I didn't ask for this, Pam.

And I don't have time to sit around discussing it with you.

I gotta get out of here.

They have Bill.

- Bill?

(upbeat funk music)

- Hey, hold it. (grunts)

(cart crashes)

- Ralph?

(orderly grunts)

Ralph!

Ralph, give me those keys right now!

I'm not fooling!

If you think I'm gonna let you drive off in that suit!

(engine roars) - Come on!

- At least sit on the cape.

What on earth is going on?

- If I told you, you'd sign my commitment form.

- Oh, try me.

I have a very broad mind.

- It won't be broad enough, believe me.

- Ralph, I dearly care about you.

I even...

I love you.

I wouldn't tell you this now, but I think I have

a heavy emotional stake in your future.

- That's terrific, Pam, and I feel the same way about you.

I really do.

I mean, after this custody thing was over--

- Ralph, talk to me, please.

- Well, I was gonna--

- We'll deal with it together, whatever it is.

- Are you sure?

- I'm ready.

I can handle anything.

- Okay, okay, last night, I was

approached by a flying saucer out in the desert.

Anyway, this saucer, they talked

to us over the car radio, and Bill's partner, he's a G-man,

he came out of the saucer, but he was dead,

and he had this package under his arm, and he gave it to me.

And...

There were instructions on how to use this suit,

but I lost them, and I tried to fly

to the courthouse because I was

in this terrible traffic jam, but I couldn't fly straight.

And I went into this wall, and

I got hauled off and arrested.

It's a 20 on the Richter scale, isn't it?

You should try it from where I sit.

I mean, I could kill the guy that designed this suit.

Why couldn't it have narrow lapels and a cutaway jacket?

Why did it have to be long johns and a cape?

I put this thing on, I feel like I'm six years old. (laughs)

♪ And we're leaving for ♪

♪ I've been replaced by neon lights and the mini-malls ♪

♪ And from a violence infection ♪

♪ Kids are dying in the streets ♪

♪ A vain attempt to save the town ♪

♪ Took her soul ♪

- Ralph, what are you doing?

Ralph, stay on the road.

♪ Don't think that this is not ♪

♪ Your town ♪

♪ Well, things you held dear cannot ♪

♪ Be found ♪

♪ Though it hurts a soul to see ♪

♪ There's any place you'd rather be ♪

♪ Well, don't think that this is not ♪

♪ Your town ♪

♪ Well, don't think that this is not ♪

♪ Your town ♪

♪ Well, I told them, don't you know ♪

♪ Where this used to be ♪

♪ Well, don't you think it is time ♪

♪ To end this after me ♪

- Mr. Maxwell, you seem to have

some interest in my desert property.

- Who are you?

- Well, let's just say I'm somebody

you should try very hard to please.

Take him to Judas.

- More little green men?

- This place belongs to Nelson Corey.

- Oh no!

- Why would one of the richest men

in the world want to kidnap Bill Maxwell?

- You go in there and you know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna be sent away for so long,

when you get out, this suit's gonna actually be in style.

- Mackie said something terrible was gonna happen.

He told Bill that we had to accept the responsibility.

Pam, I want you to take the car,

drive down the road and wait for me.

If I'm not back in 45 minutes, you call the police.

- You hit your head.

You're not thinking straight.

(door slams)

- Are you gonna help me or not?

Look at it this way.

You're one step ahead of Lois Lane.

She never found out who Clark Kent really was.

Not funny.

- My parents are coming in from

Michigan next week to meet you.

Let's try the little suit, and the Lois Lane jokes on them.

They're gonna love it.

(engine starts)

(engine rumbling)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Ralph yells)

(tree rustles)

(Ralph crashes)

- Damn.

(upbeat orchestral music)

(engines roaring)

(train chugging)

(brakes squealing)

Whoa!

Damn.

(fountain hissing)

- We're offering you a chance to come

to grips with your eventual salvation. (chuckles)

- You guys are beautiful.

You are about as religious as a Las Vegas nightclub.

- It won't help you to antagonize us.

It'll be all over by eight tonight.

We'll be in control.

- Control of what?

- You'll find out when the rest of the world does,

that is if you're still among the living.

- You make me sick.

Bunch of chicken, hot shot, political terrorists

hiding out, trying to fake some kind of religion

while you're stashing away the goodies,

the machine guns and the grenades, right?

Now, we got this wacko Nelson Corey

with the big Gs behind you, what's that all about?

What do you got?

- What I wanna know, Brother William, is how many people

know the location of that desert property?

(light fizzes)

How much information you turn over to your superiors?

- Go ahead, take your best shot.

I've been here with better switch-hitters than you.

(portal fizzles)

- The Lord works in mysterious ways.

(dramatic funk music)

His wonders to perform.

- So do people.

Go ahead, I could really care less.

(Ralph yells)

(Ralph grunts) (wall crashes)

(Ralph sighs)

- [Ralph] Damn.

(Ralph grunts) (wall crashes)

(guards groaning)

- I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew you'd be there!

I've never been so scared in my life.

These guys are really bananas.

One of them's got a key.

(handcuffs clink)

Who needs a key?

Look at you in long johns and a cape.

- Would you knock it off?

- What else does it do?

- Well, learn as you go, let's get out of here.

(alarms wailing) - All units, security breach.

Red alert, red alert.

Units 16, 23, 47, east wall perimeter.

Units 12, 14, 26, west wall gate and security.

All other units, north and south perimeters.

This is not a drill.

I repeat, this is not a drill.

All units, security breach.

Red alert, red alert.

Units 16, 23, 47, east wall perimeter.

(engines roaring) Units 12, 14, 26.

- How do we get out?

- [Ralph] Fly, I guess.

- Can you carry me?

- Well, I don't know.

You know, I have this control problem.

I seem to yaw or pitch to the right--

- [Bill] No offense, kid, will you explain it to me later?

(both yelling)

(bodies crashing)

- Damn. (engines roaring)

- What did you do that for?

- What happened?

- Hurry up.

- What's going on, Ralph?

- We're hot!

(engine roaring)

(tires squealing)

- We have been breached.

(machinery beeping)

Push the button on L.A. now.

Notify the others that we're in motion,

phase one, five hours to confrontation.

I want you to find where the President is.

Give me an hourly report on his movements, now.

Bring the Vice President to me now.

- My head feels like 20 pounds of Silly Putty.

Next time we go flying together, try not

to make me your landing pad, please.

- So, you guys went flying.

- Who is she?

Who are you?

- Pam Davidson, my attorney, this is Bill Maxwell.

We're in the superhero business together.

- Hello, what attorney?

You're too pretty. (laughs)

So, my son the flyer, the magic suit really works.

I mean, outside of a little barrel roll problem

you got there, which you're gonna solve,

that thing really son of a gun works.

I wonder what that material's made out of.

We should have a hundred of 'em.

- That was my best earth shoes.

Superman, he used to stash his clothes in the phone booth,

and then he'd come back and he'd pick 'em up later.

Try that today, get ripped off in 10 seconds.

Boy, this is gonna cost me a fortune.

- And what is your interest in

this enterprise, Ms. Davidson?

- Oh, I'm just here to do the Lois Lane jokes.

Other than that, I really am an attorney.

- And something of a feminist, I bet.

- Bill likes to get his labels on secure, so he won't

lose his way during any semi-complicated discussions.

- I'll tell you one thing, if you wanna know,

our little green guys, whoever they are, made one mistake.

They gave the suit to the wrong guy.

I've been in this game for 20 years,

and when the chips go down, they give you the pigskin,

and old Maxwell gets the shovel, again.

What am I doing hooked up with you?

We couldn't agree on how to make Kool-Aid.

- All I need right now is another $2 haircut,

telling me where to go, and how high to jump.

- Shut up, shut up!

Now, pull up over there off the road!

(engine rumbling)

Come on, both of you, out of the car!

I'm struggling to get you a postponement

on the custody case, and all you can think of

are some earth shoes you lost when you went flying.

And you, you, Mr. Maxworth--

- Maxwell, and you're gorgeous when you're mad, sweetheart.

- I have had it.

(door slams) - Pam.

- Hold it.

Wait a minute!

She's right.

We're fragmented here.

We need organization.

We need command decisions, and we need them now.

Command decisions happen to be my fort.

Now-- (car bangs)

- That's forte.

I also teach English.

Pam, look, I know you think I'm nuts,

but I'm not.

Believe me.

- Good god, Ralph, super powers.

How can you be serious?

(Ralph groans)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Hold it!

No offense, kid, you can make some decisions.

What are you doing?

- Pam!

(car bangs)

Pam, Pam, come on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Pam, come on, wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

- [Bill] Will you stop that?

- Everything you told me about the flying saucers

and the super powers, it's all true?

- Yeah.

- What are you gonna do?

- A-ha, finally a straight question.

What are we gonna do?

Well, you know the Russians are

stomping all over us in the arms race.

Might as well be 1964, it's true.

Just the fact that we have the suit

could turn the whole Cold War around.

- Bill, it's not 1964.

There is no Cold War.

(Bill chuckles) What's the matter with you?

- Okay, try this scenario.

Once my boy here gets the hang of flying,

he could come right in across the Adriatic,

("America the Beautiful")

across Turkey, and straight in

to the Leningrad missile complex.

Raise hell with that program over there.

Take an afternoon off, weekend.

Knock out a nuke sub. (chuckles)

Or the radar complex at Stalingrad, how about that.

This is an outstanding military--

- Pam, are you all right?

- I guess, except I have this droning in my ear.

- You keep on making the jokes, the both of you.

That's terrific.

That's wonderful, really, really helpful.

- Well, it's either that or break out crying.

This finishes us, Ralph.

How do I marry a guy in a cape and long johns?

How do you work this into a successful marriage?

- Pam, wait a minute.

- I hear the Reds got a laser canon

that they are working on.

How about we go in and steal that little sucker, huh?

(laughs) Huh, huh?

(laughs) I'm telling you, this thing has

got some real fire-breathing potential.

We could finish off detente forever.

- Pam, I know it's a bummer, but let's

just not say that it can't work.

- (chuckles) Oh, great, I stay home

and plant flowers in window boxes

while you two spend the weekend knocking out

laser centers and Russian subs.

Get serious.

- It's not gonna be like that, believe me.

- Boys and girls, do you think we could put

your marriage plans in the old foot locker

just till we get this Nelson Corey thing unscrambled.

Because something very big and very scary is going on,

and I would like to be able to brief the two of you

on the subject so that we could noodle it together,

but I can't do that until I can get your attention.

- Okay, go ahead.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, slow down.

I'm still trying to adjust to all this.

- You cannot step off a rollercoaster, honey,

just because it's going too fast.

- He's right.

We're in this, we have to do something.

- Whoa, correct me if I'm wrong,

but is this not our very first

point of agreement on anything?

- I believe it is, Bill.

- (chuckles) Well, a ray of sunshine, shall we dance?

(kettle whistling)

If there was more time, we ought to go back

to the desert, take it from that end.

- You said one of these guys was bragging

it was gonna be over at eight tonight.

- Yeah.

- Well, that's four hours from now.

- Yeah, so scratch the desert.

We have to go back in on this end.

At that mansion, it would be dark.

That ought to help.

I wish I could tell you what was going on, boys and girls,

but I can't because I don't know, and I don't really care.

We're gonna ram a crooked stick into this hornet's nest

and turn it 'til we can hear 'em sing.

- I don't know about you two, but I am

starting to get very frightened.

Now, why don't we just call one

of your superiors and get some help.

- Oh good, that's terrific, counselor.

What are you gonna tell 'em?

That we saw a spaceship, that it talked to us,

Ralph has some long underwear and a cape

that makes him fly around in the sky?

- [Pam] Oh, Ralph.

- That's a straight shot to the rubber room, honey.

You already seen that once.

- He's right.

We have to do this on our own.

- I like the way you think, kid.

You're starting to think like me.

- Kind of bulges out, ruins the lines.

- [Bill] You did call a babysitter?

We gotta get out of here.

- Wait a minute.

- [Anchor] Moving in fast, seeking to gain control.

State militia leader, Colonel David L. Shackleford,

stated that guard troops are quickly gaining the upper hand

in the strife-torn areas of Los Angeles.

- Where's your TV?

- [Reporter] Tension and unrest in these poverty areas

of Los Angeles has long been a concern of officials here.

What puzzles sources close to this area

is that there were no early warnings.

Vice President Adam Taft, in Los Angeles at the time--

- [Reporter] Urban areas have not

received additional federal monies.

The President is reported to be arriving

for a helicopter tour of the area this evening.

- [Reporter] The Vice President has been outspoken

in his feelings of blinded urban areas must

receive additional federal monies.

The President is reported to be arriving

for a helicopter tour of the area this evening.

Updates on this station as they occur.

- [Bill] I think this business

with Gabriel's Army is tied to the riots.

- Okay, the Vice President is here.

The President is coming to Los Angeles.

Could they be trying to get him here?

- Certainly got to be put in the mix.

- Have you two noticed how much of Adam Taft

we've been seeing on TV lately.

It's almost as if someone were trying to redesign his image.

- Nelson Corey, he put a whole lot

of dough into Taft in the past.

Wanted to run him for President.

Didn't work out.

It's in his eyes only file at the bureau.

- Are you saying this insanity has something to do

with getting Taft in the Oval Office?

- Well, we're just running it past the scanner, sweetheart.

Trying to find a little radioactivity.

- We gotta find a way to warn the

President, even if it's a mistake.

- Maybe this guy Shackleford, he's

running the whole show out here.

He has to be in touch with Washington.

We'd cut through a lot of red tape, we took it to him.

(car horn honks) - That's Rhonda.

- Hey, Rhonda, what you want us here for anyway?

- Just relax for one minute, and you'll find out, okay?

Come on.

- Hey, Rhonda's got a dress on, woo!

(students socializing)

- [Ralph] I thought you could stay with Kevin.

He'll be home in about 20 minutes.

- Hey, look here, this is the guy

from the what-do-you-call-it.

I don't like this guy, Mr. H.

- Tony Villicana, I want you to meet Bill Maxwell.

He's with the federal government.

- How's your draft status, kid?

You all registered and everything?

- Hey, I like him now.

This guy here's a grade-A government beef here.

- Come on, we gotta get out of here.

- All right, hey, thanks, Rhonda.

Make yourself at home, you guys.

- Later, Mr. H. - Bye bye.

(engine rumbling)

- Man, this is something, babysitting.

If this ever gets out, I'm ruined.

- But doesn't it mean anything to you, Tony,

that he's trusting us with his own kid?

(scoffs) You know, I'm gettin' real tired of being trash.

- Hey, come on, Rhonda.

You ain't trash.

- Aw, Tony, that's the way everybody

treats me, everybody except him.

(mellow synth music)

- [Tony] Did you say something, chump?

- She's right, Villicana, you know?

- Yeah, you too.

- Normally, I'd say this is nuts,

but it does dovetail with some G2 of my own.

We've taken two members of Gabriel's Army,

and we questioned them under pentothal.

We didn't get as much as we'd hoped.

But we do suspect that this riot was

only phase one of a larger plan.

We'd better warn the President.

He's already in LA.

We've got an hour and 15 minutes.

We'll take the staff car.

(upbeat funk music)

- [Bill] Where we heading?

- Relax, Mr. Maxwell.

Just sit quiet, all of you.

- I should've seen it.

You had to be in it, the whole National Guard.

- Not the whole Guard, just me and my aide.

It will all be over in a very short while.

- Maybe not.

(dramatic funk music)

- [Colonel] Take care of these people.

I have Maxwell.

(machinery beeping)

- Well, you have caused me some concern.

- You'll never get away with it.

- And you're--

- Ralph Hinkley.

- A fed?

Who does he work for?

- I work for Whitney High.

I'm a special ed teacher.

- Get them out of here.

Debrief them and give me the report in 20 minutes.

- [Head Guard] Get Brother Michael.

Tell him to bring his things.

We'll start with the girl.

- Start with the girl?

- Somebody has to go first, sweetheart.

(laughs) Do your stuff, kid.

- You think this guy Corey might be a Red?

- He just wants to rig the government.

He's a megalomaniac.

Ah, we need some cover.

- Why don't I get that light?

- Yeah.

- Why don't you just fly up there and unscrew it?

- I'm not a moth.

I can't just fly up there and hover.

I don't think. - Watch your eyes, honey.

(light clangs)

- [Bill] Make the call.

- [Ralph] Shh, shh, I hear something.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Arthur?

It's Adam.

May I speak with the President?

Sir, it's Adam.

I'm with Nelson Corey at his house.

I'd like to go with you when you make a tour of the area.

Yes, sir.

If you could land here and pick me up, I'd appreciate it.

Yes, there's a heliport.

Your pilot has the coordinates.

Yes, sir.

Goodbye.

- [Nelson] Well?

- He'll land here in 25 minutes and pick me up.

- Excellent, phase three, now.

All right, as soon as he lands,

he and his party will be taken prisoner.

He'll immediately be loaded back on the aircraft.

Colonel Shackleford, you'll pilot it out over the ocean.

According to plan, you will disable it, bail out,

and then we have a brand new President,

and somebody else will be in the cat-bird seat.

Right, Adam?

(dramatic funk music)

(all grunting)

(lively funk music)

- [Ralph] Ta-da!

- (laughs) Get the guns.

(Bill groans)

Ralph.

Here you go, sweetheart.

- I don't want this thing.

How do you turn it on?

- Just point it and look tough.

Try to point it at the same guys I'm pointing mine at.

- Ralph.

- I'm sorry, Pam.

It's coming at you fast.

It must be hard, huh?

- Try impossible.

- Hey, if you two are finished?

- Look tough.

- Okay, now, you set up a disturbance.

Pam and I will try to get the drop on Corey and Shackleford.

Make enough of a racket, tell you,

the local cops will show up.

- Maybe?

Listen, Bill, I hate to be a crick at this late date,

but don't you think that plan is a little bit sketchy?

- It's sketchy, it stinks.

You got a better one, let's hear it.

- Somebody ought to keep the President from landing.

- She's got a good point there, Bill.

- Well, it's got to be up to you.

Buzz or something, anything.

- Buzz him?

You mean, fly up at that helicopter?

- Yeah.

- Listen, man, I am Captain Crash.

I navigate like I was hit with a can of Raid.

This suit belongs in the Smithsonian.

How am I gonna buzz that chopper?

- I don't know.

I don't have the instructions.

Now, it's up to you.

Take it or leave it. - Somebody's coming.

- I don't think you understand, Bill.

I don't seem to have my sense of balance.

- [Bill] Neither do I, otherwise I

wouldn't be hooked up with you.

(upbeat funk music) (helicopter whirring)

- Tell the President I have Mr.

Corey's launching pad in sight.

We'll be setting down in less than a minute.

- [Ralph] Well, here goes nothing.

(guns firing)

("Believe It or Not") (Ralph yells)

(guns firing) (Ralph yells)

(helicopter whirring)

- We have a fast-approaching unidentified object.

- [Ralph] Get out of here, dummy!

- Don't let him get away!

Shoot him down!

(guns firing)

- Tell the President I'm going to abort.

- [Ralph] Get out of here!

- The light, go for the light!

(guns firing)

(glass shatters)

(Ralph screaming)

(Ralph thuds)

- Kill him, kill him!

- Hey! - Hey!

(guns firing)

(triumphant orchestral music)

- Hold it!

You're under arrest.

Tell them, baby, you go first.

Tell them, tell them!

(engine roars)

(tires squealing)

(sirens wailing)

- I'd better get out of here before the police come.

Can you handle it?

- Ralph, we'll manage.

(wind whistling)

- Look at him.

- I've got some scenario cooking.

A couple of weeks, them Reds won't

know what hit 'em. (chuckles)

("Believe It or Not" by Joey Scarbury)

♪ Look at what's happened to me ♪

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm up on top of the world ♪

♪ It should've been somebody else ♪

♪ Believe it or not, I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or not, it's just me ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or not, it's just me ♪

- That still don't explain it, Mr. H.

I mean, I could see what they're saying

about this Nelson Corey guy trying to kill the President,

but what I don't get is these reports about this thing,

this what-do-you-call-it flying around and everything.

I mean, these shaved-headed guys

say they saw a guy flying around.

- You don't believe that, do you, Tony?

I mean, really, like in the funnies,

a guy flying around in a cape catching villains?

- It is kind of farfetched, ain't it?

(Ralph laughs)

But this guy, Maxwell, the flat-top

from out in the diner, your friend,

well, you know, he called in the cops.

I figured maybe you had a little inside dope.

- Not me.

Well, I'm just trying to teach school, that's all.

- You know, Rhonda's thinking about going

back to high school in the fall.

What do you think?

- I think that's a great idea.

- Yeah, but she wouldn't be with us then.

You know, she'd be some kind of

cheerleader with them straights.

- [Ralph] There's nothing wrong with that, Tony.

I'm straight.

- (chuckles) You, you?

Come on, Mr. H.

You're different.

I'm diggin' where you're coming from.

You're not a bad guy, Mr. H.

I'll see you in the funny papers.

- Damn.

(mellow strings music)

- Why are we meeting up here?

- Because Maxwell said to meet him up here.

I gotta tell you, everything this guy does

is like a page out of the Dick Tracy Crimestoppers handbook.

The old flashing headlight routine.

(car honks)

- What are you doing?

You're not supposed to honk the horn.

Remember, I said security hookup, lights only.

Kid, you really are hopeless.

- Look, Bill, can we cut the cloak and dagger stuff?

- You know, we almost blew it on this one,

with people running around like Chicken Little,

screaming, "Oh, I saw a man flying in the sky."

Fortunately, they all got written off as wacko cuckoos.

Our lawyer tells us some PI got

a picture of you in the suit.

Now, I gotta figure out a way to clean his windshield.

What I'm trying to say is we gotta

start running this thing my way.

That's it.

I call it, I run it.

We start running a squeaky clean operation, okay?

Some scenarios here.

- Oh, come on, Bill.

Let's not have any scenarios.

- And we gotta get you buckled into this thing full-time.

First off, you quit your job in that teenage lunatic asylum.

- I'm not quitting my job.

How am I supposed to eat?

Go down to the welfare office

and stand in the superhero line?

I need my job.

I like to teach.

- You call sitting on top of that ash can cover, a job?

- Look, Bill.

I'm very tired, and quite frankly,

I don't know if I want to let you call the shots.

- Well, kid, that is abundantly clear to me,

but, if I'm not supposed to run this show, then why did

our friends from the Twilight Zone put me aboard?

- Comic relief?

- I'm trying to tell you I agree with you.

I would've much preferred to be

the glory guy, the guy with the magic suit,

but it didn't work out that way,

so I'm just gonna have to settle

for being the brains of this outfit.

- Uh-- - Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Just let me finish because I've

given this thing a lot of thought.

Well, more correctly, I've given you a lot of thought.

Without getting mushy, I want you to know

that when we started this thing,

I thought you were just another 25-cent beach boy.

But I got a lot of respect for the way

you handled yourself in this caper.

- Oh, really?

- Yes. - Thank you.

- You stood in there, you carried your weight,

you charged that helicopter, you got the job done,

and you made me, I'm tellin' you, you made me feel good.

No, not good.

Proud, that maybe, maybe it was really true

that you and me could mean something here.

- Hey, Bill, thank you.

That's really nice.

- Yeah, it is.

I also been giving a lot of thought

to my Cold War scenario, and I was wrong.

What do you think of that?

There's plenty of trouble right

here in the good old US of A.

So, maybe we ought to sweep out our own tent

before we run off in the bushes

trying to clean out somebody else's.

For now, we stick to the local stuff, okay?

0900 hours, tomorrow, my place,

we build us a couple of scenarios.

I'm proud to have you on my team, kid.

(bone cracks)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Bill.

I have the suit on underneath.

- It's okay.

- No, Bill, I heard a bone crack.

We should at least get it X-rayed.

- No sweat.

- Gee, Bill, I'm sorry.

I really am.

- It's nothing.

Well, I guess I'll...

I'll pull out.

- Hey, do you want a ride home?

I mean, we got plenty of room here.

Bill, you sure you can make...

All right.

(engine starts)

- You broke his hand.

I really think you broke his hand.

- Bill!

Does any of this feel familiar to you, Bill?

(jet engine whirring)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(radio blaring)

- You. - Have.

- Done. - Well.

- [Man] We.

- [Woman] Are.

- [Woman] Satisfied.

- [Man] You.

- [Man] Should.

- [Woman] Try.

- [Man] Power.

- [Woman] Of.

- [Man] Invisible.

- [Man] Good luck.

- Powers of invisibility, what?

What?

(dramatic orchestral music)

How do you do it?

What powers of invisibility? (jet engine roaring)

I lost the instruction book!

Wait!

Wait, don't go!

♪ Believe it or not, I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or not, it's just me ♪

("Believe It Or Not")