All language subtitles for Pushing.Daisies.S02E09.720p.HDTV.x264-CTU-eng

Pushing Daisies - Season 02 Episode 09
"The Legend of Merle McQuoddy"

Subtitle (720p CTU v.1.00): A�S Team

At this moment, a father and daughter
were on a camel trip

across the Rub' al Khali,

the 600-mile-long body of sand

in the vast, harsh wilderness
known as the Arabian desert.

In truth, young Chuck should have been
floating on a sea of dreams,

but at 8 years,
8 months, 21 days old,

she was kept awake
by the varicella-zoster virus,

also known as chickenpox.

Her father, Charles Charles, hoped

this magical journey was the antidote
to his daughter's discomfort.

Indeed, it eased the girl's itch

and replaced it
with a burning desire for adventure.

Adventures her father promised
to take her on someday.

Sadly, someday's adventures
would never come,

for, in a month,
Charles Charles would die,

and young Chuck would learn
the sad lesson that, try as one might,

one can never recapture
what once was.

Until Charlotte Charles
would again have her father.

Hello.

Only having him back
meant lying to the pie maker she loved.

When Ned touches you, you play dead.

Say, you got a squatter
in your old digs over there?

- I was worried. I thought...
- Charlotte.

It's okay, dad.

"Dad"?

You kept your father alive.

This looks bad.

- It is bad. It's horribly bad.
- It can't be that bad.

Not like I'm the first ghost
he's ever seen.

Please say something.

He's up here.

Lily?

- Quick!
- No! Get out!

Lily, Vivian, is that you?!

You know good and well who we are!

Damn it!

And we are spittin' pissed at being
served up a steaming plate of door!

I don't get pissed.

A gypsy once told me
it brings on hemorrhoids.

- Why can't I go out and talk to her?
- No!

After you were gone, Lily and Vivian
moved into our house to look after me.

- They can't know that we're alive...
- But they're your aunts, Button-Button.

Except for the one that's my mother.

So you know.

And you're okay?

Can we get back
to your rude reception?

- I thought you were home invaders.
- Then why did you say my name?

- I didn't.
- I heard.

- It must have been your eye... ears.
- When you came over here

to check for squatters and
didn't immediately resurface,

- Lily assumed the worst.
- And brought two barrels of backup.

Hey, no squatters. No anyone.
Let's all go home.

- What was that?
- That was me.

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

Get it away!

It's all right.

Lily's been petrified of clowns

ever since our grand-papa chased her
around the house with one of those.

It was Charlotte Charles
whose strategic placement of the toy

prevented her strong-willed mother

from strong-arming her way
further into the closet.

We need to talk.

You don't want to hear
what I have to say.

A low-pressure system
moving in from the coast

threatened Papen County
with its first winter storm.

But for the pie maker and Chuck,

it was as if the tempest
had already hit.

If I were thinking clearer, I'd...

give you space
to process everything,

but I haven't slept
since all this happened.

Since...

I made it happen.

If your dad's alive,
someone else had to die.

- Who was it?
- Dwight Dixon.

We found him with a sniper rifle
in the cemetery.

What?

Emerson thinks that he was planning
on killing both you and me

- the night we re-alived my dad.
- Emerson knows?

He helped me bury Dwight
in my dad's empty grave.

He wanted me
to tell you right away, but I...

I begged him: "please, just wait until
I know what to say". And then...

You...

You found me first.

What would have happened
if I didn't?

I'd have brought you here and told you
that I was reckless and selfish.

Yes, you were.

And I can say
that I'm sorry for deceiving you,

and I will say that forever,
but I can't say

that I'm sorry my dad's alive,
because I'm not.

It's so overwhelming, I'm so grateful,
I don't know how to explain it.

You acted on an impulse
so poignant and deep.

I know what it feels like.
I felt it with you.

And I'll never be sorry
I did it either.

I'll let you breathe in a minute.
I promise.

I'm good.

So, what's next?

The reality is, your dad's back...

in swaddling bandages,
but he's back.

And if we're gonna be one big,
happy, albeit unconventional...

family...

- There are things we need to discuss.
- I've already covered a lot of ground.

First touch, life, second touch, death,
and that Digby and I are

the only other alive-agains
to be alive longer than a minute.

Then that leaves figuring out
what to do with your dad.

The only way
we can do that is together.

Are we together?

We're so "gethered",
electrons couldn't get between us.

You're beaming.

I'm not the only one.

What is that?

The body of Nora McQuoddy
was what that was.

Mere moments earlier, the meticulous
Papen Harbor lighthouse keeper,

obsessing over a stubborn smudge,
would make a fatal mistake,

because what Nora didn't notice
was her killer...

who wanted everyone to notice her.

... County coroner's office.
At this time, the prime suspect,

seen fleeing from the scene
in a yellow fisherman's jacket,

has been identified as the lighthouse
keeper's husband, Merle McQuoddy.

That's some shady shadow puppet.

Merle McQuoddy!

Out of all the enigmatic, esoteric local
ghost stories, this is my absolute fave.

Merle McQuoddy was a salty sailor

who left his lighthouse-keeper wife
and young child on a fishing voyage

10 years ago, only to vanish...

... without a trace.

Mariners swear his ghost haunts
the sea caves by the harbor.

And when the lighthouse shines,

you can hear his ghoulish moans

as he cries out for someone...
anyone...

to guide him home and...

Booed ya!

In actual fact,
the facts were these.

Merle McQuoddy did, indeed,
leave his wife and child

on a voyage 10 years ago.

His boat, the Knockout Nora,
was loaded down with dungeness,

when it was knocked out
by the category 5 typhoon Tyrone.

For 9 years, 11 months, and 5 days,

the presumed ghost, Merle McQuoddy,

was very much alive
and alone on a deserted island.

All the while, Nora kept watch,

praying that one day
her husband would come home

and life would return
to the way it once was.

After a near decade of waiting,
her prayers were answered

when Merle was rescued by
a gay family cruise ship.

But Merle McQuoddy
was not the man he used to be.

He'd roam the beaches at midnight,

flew into rages,
shunned indoor plumbing!

And now
he's a murderer at large, and...

Mr. Cod?

I was told I could find you here.
My name is Elliot McQuoddy.

Elliot McQuoddy?

Son of urban legend Merle McQuoddy.

Please, you have to clear
my father of my mother's murder.

My entire life savings...

everything I ever found combing
the shore with my metal detector.

By all means, bring me up
to tempo on what happened tonight.

Mom dropped me off at the movies
with a batch of homemade peanut brittle.

Afterwards, when I didn't see
the minivan, I walked home.

Cops were everywhere.

They told me she was dead.

And dad was nowhere to be found.

You want it a la mode?

The power's out and the ice cream
won't be so much ice as cream soon.

Lots and lots, please.

Who knows when I'll get another meal,
without mom to make it?

You poor boy.

There, there.

Not here, here.

Sorry, kid.

Eyewitnesses say they saw Merle
McQuoddy running away from the scene.

All they saw was a yellow raincoat.
There's no way he'd hurt my mother.

After 10 years of waiting,
our family was finally reunited.

I don't know where my dad is
and even if I find him...

they'll take him away.

Excuse me.

Hate to be a bitch, but ain't no way
in the world I'm taking this case.

You think Merle McQuoddy
murdered Nora.

Merle McQuoddy's ship
returned minus a few oars,

making it a very easy leap
from captain to killer.

Nothing this kid had to say
makes me think otherwise.

Plus, I don't work in the rain.

You don't hate being a bitch
that much.

I'll kick you back
my third of the cut.

And if you're doing
my third of the work, then...

I'm gonna take a personal day
to deal with personal...

persons.

Well...

Look like papa's gonna
need a new raincoat.

And leather conditioner.

You see this water damage?
These wing tips were custom-cobbled.

Can we hurry?
I'm supposed to see Chuck's father.

I want to get him
a "welcome back to life" gift.

Oh, I get the perfect gift...

tap dad back to the grave.

- Why would you say that?
- Because you are in over your head.

You can put a leash on a dog.
You know why? 'Cause it's a dog.

But you can't put one on a war veteran
that was cut down in his prime.

Before long, he's gonna break free.

Then he'll just be running the streets,
telling the world what you can do.

Tap that.

This is Chuck's chance at having
a family again. I can't...

tap that.

So make it look like an accident.

Trip over an ottoman
and Dick Van Dyke that ass.

Fine. I said my piece.

Let's get face-to-face
with lighthouse lady.

- What happened to her face?
- She's been effaced!

Mrs. McQuoddy?

Present conditions are cold, rainy,
with a 100% chance of "you're dead".

We're hoping that
you can tell us who killed you.

Oh, hell.
We got a melty mouth.

- "Yes" or "no" questions.
- She can't nod. How can she nod?

What is that tapping?

I don't think she's tapping.
I think she's talking in morse code.

- How do you know morse code?
- Charles Charles taught it to us

when we were kids so we communicated
from our windows with flashlights.

Mrs. McQuoddy?
Who committed your murder?

P... C... H... S.

Is that all?

Time's up.

P-C-H-S.

"Pic-hiss."

Pic-hiss!

Peaches!

It's an acronym, fool.

"Papen County Historical Society."

An old lighthouse like Nora's
is bound to have interest.

"Peaches."

- What are you doing?
- Looking and finding you,

which is a cinch, natch, 'cause
I'm such an ace junior PI in training.

Look what mama got papa.

I bought one for you, too, Ned.

And one for me, too, of course.

'cause together,
we're a crime-fighting team.

What do you say, papa?

I think you and papa are gonna have
a grand old time while I...

take care of a... thing.

- But...
- Hey, mood-swing Sally, anchors aweigh!

- You sure you don't want some pie?
- Thanks, Button, but I'll have cake.

Since when do you eat pie?
You hate pie.

Well, this is the one
that won me over.

So, no cake? At all?

Oh, well.

Well, let's not worry about pie.

This family has bigger things
to discuss.

To that end...

"Move Mr. Charles from Ned's childhood
home to Ned's apartment."

You killed a tree for this?

I'm happy as a clam right here.

The problem is,
Lily and Vivian are right here too,

and for a couple of agoraphobes,
they get around.

We can't risk them coming back
and discovering you,

thereby discovering the truth
about all of us.

From there, it's a hop,
skip and a jump

to angry mobs
with pitchforks and torches.

If I bunk with you, you'd kill me again
just by passing the pepper.

There are many safeguards
already in place.

Truth be told, you touching me dead
doesn't scare me nearly as much

as the thought of you
doing that to my daughter.

- Sir, I could never hurt Chuck.
- Oh, sure you could, deadly Nedly.

You could forget she's behind you

and stop to tie your shoe
or trip over a forgotten newspaper.

No number of redundant precautions

can assure that you won't inadvertently
kill her for good and forever,

unless you're not in the same vicinity,
which is why we're gonna make a deal.

I go quietly
and play by your rules...

and you never see Charlotte again.

The first family of Papen County.

Bunch of blond-over-blue children
of the corn.

Which one we gonna grill first?

Gus...
the "Rosemary Kennedy" of the clan.

While brothers one through four run the
family's commercial-real-estate empire

and south asian call centers,
all he got was the historical society.

Olive Snook?

Mr. Papen.

Welcome to the Pie Hole.

Did you get my application
to declare our wonderful establishment

- a historical monument?
- That application was denied

the moment you people destroyed
an exemplary specimen

of turn-of-the-century
beaux-arts architecture

with the addition
of a stucco-crust overhang.

Told you.
Well, since you're already here,

you mind answering a few questions
about Nora McQuoddy?

Have they found
the bloodthirsty husband?

Merle? No.

What is Nora's connection
to the PCHS?

With her husband lost at sea,

Nora couldn't afford
the lighthouse upkeep.

I used my family influence to declare it
a protected historic monument.

I appointed Nora the lighthouse steward
and the McQuoddys its guardian

until the family line dies out

or the sun swallows the Earth
in a solar flare, killing us all.

Well, that means Elliot's
in charge of the lighthouse now.

Other than that,
I didn't really know Nora.

If you want to learn more,
talk to Annabelle Vandersloop.

They volunteered together
in the diorama exhibit.

Such a depressing word, "diorama".

It has "die" in it.

I like "rama".

Okay, so, this...

is so we can keep in constant contact
in the present, and this...

is so you can regain contact
with your past.

Well, I'll be.

Thank you, Button.

Right. Well...
I'll leave you to settle in.

Digby, come on.

- There's milk to go with the cake.
- You didn't have to go to that trouble.

I wanted to.
It's a huge adjustment.

That's big of you, kid.

We won't get anywhere without
a little teamwork.

That's a perfect segue way
to our playbook.

This is everything that pertains
to the alive-again lifestyle with

- your particular alive-again situation.
- You mean my corpse face?

Corpse face...

taken into consideration.

In short, stay inside with the doors
locked and the curtains drawn.

Food deliveries are verboten.
However, telephone use is unrestricted,

as long as you choose from the list
of cleared aliases on page 13

when communicating
with the outside world.

For the first month,
I would recommend wearing latex gloves.

- I already got gloves on.
- No harm in double-bagging it, eh?

Sir, I'm really trying here.

Instead of buttering me up...

why don't we deal
with the elephant in the room?

You killed me.

I knew your parents, Ned. You were
raised right. How about an apology?

I'm sorry.

"All is forgiven" is gonna be
a long time coming.

You need to respect that.

All right?

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got a bunch of reading to do.

While Charles Charles was reading,

Olive Snook and the private
investigator were listening

to one Annabelle Vandersloop.

Nora and I were best friends.

We met through the notable widows
of Papen County.

We paid tribute
to our notable husbands' notable deaths

through
the miniature medium of diorama.

I love dioramas.
How can I get involved?

Are you a widow?

- No.
- Oh...

Unfortunately, I'm single.

But I do have a beloved horse
who bought the farm.

I could "dioram" that.

Sorry.
Expired spouses only.

For example, my late husband,

munitions manufacturer
Adolph Vandersloop,

went out with a bang.

An errant 4th of July rocket
flew into an open window

while he was taking inventory.

One can never add enough glitter
to a husband's memory.

Miss Snook,
do you see how your pony death

might make a mockery
of our legitimate efforts?

Do you see how you have
cotton balls stuck to your ass?

I was looking for those!

Yeah, well, I'm looking for something...
information...

on whether Nora McQuoddy's husband
made himself a notable widower.

I was with sweet Nora

when she heard the news
that homosexual boat had rescued Merle.

Can you imagine the joy of starting over
with a husband you thought you'd lost?

No. You can't.

Anyway, Nora was the first to admit
that she was an overprotective mother,

but with Merle home and Elliot
so desperate to bond with him,

it quickly became two against one.

- She finally had to put her foot down.
- On what?

Crazy things, like, you know, father/son
sailing trips around the world.

She absolutely forbade it.

And I guess that was the final straw

before Merle snapped, killed her,
and went AWOL.

Sometimes I just think to myself,
"life... you can't make this crap up".

Well, thanks for your time.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Good luck.

Speaking of crap,
Elliot seems to be full of it.

We met a heartbroken mama's boy
who never mentioned feuds with mama.

- What gives?
- That's just what we're gonna ask him.

Don't bother signing in.

The open house is off.

- Who are you?
- Willie Gherkin.

Smiley Realty.

You lost your smile, pickle.

I thought
it was too good to be true.

This lighthouse lands in my lap,
and now

I find out I can't sell it because
it's a protected historical monument!

This is so not the way
the secret is supposed to work.

- Where's the owner?
- Elliot?

That little bowl-cut split.

But not before I advanced him
10 grand against the sale.

Said he and his father were going out
of town and need cash quick.

Is that legal?

How should I know?
I just got my license.

Screw it.

I'm going back
to personal training...

Where there's respect.

Excuse me.

Try this on for size.

So, Merle kills Nora, and then...

Elliot hires me...

to take the suspicion off Merle.

And then Elliot goes
and gets the funds

so they can take
their little father-and-son trip.

But if they did score a sloop,

there's no way they're taking it out
in this weather. They must be hiding.

Let's smoke 'em out.

I can't believe you got me working
in this downpour.

Yeah, what's up with that,
anyway, rain-hater?

I mean, I'd get it
if you were a cat or had hair.

Or got dumped.

Back in the rainy day,

my ex and I used to hole up with
a bottle of brandy and some tomato soup,

and we wouldn't come out
until the sun did.

Now...

Whenever the drops fall,
it reminds me of everything I lost

and ain't gonna get back. Happy?

Let's wait it out here a bit.

I've always wanted
to see this place.

But you can't get much of a feel for it
when you're trying to peek inside.

Are you trying to give me
the heebie-jeebies or something?

Or a theory as to where
the murderous McQuoddys are holed up.

Remember the sea caves Merle's ghost
supposedly haunted with his howls?

There's nothing haunted about them.

The sound is created when the wind
rushes in off the water, kind of like...

Elliot knows those caves
like the back of his hand!

If he's in there,
he's gonna get the back of mine.

Yeah! Let's go.

All right, sugars have been re-sugared,
creamers have been re-creamed.

Anything else you want me to do before
I head to the store? Dad gave me a list.

"Slippers, mouthwash,
and the last 20 years of my life back".

- He's... so funny.
- Hilarious.

It's bad enough we can't touch.
Now I'm not allowed to see you?

How is that possible?

We don't have to stop seeing each other.
It's just when dad's around...

Which is limited to your apartment.
He can't go anywhere else.

I'm not embarrassed to say
that I'm scared of your father...

Petrified, actually...

and...

stop smiling.

I can't help it. Something's happening
I never thought would happen.

My dad's torturing
my first boyfriend.

Yeah.

Exactly. We get to be the teenagers
we never thought we'd get to be.

You because you were locked up
in some boarding school

and me because I was shut up
with my shut-in aunts.

And now you get to be
the studly varsity quarterback,

and I get to be
the flirty head cheerleader.

Which means we can break curfews
and mislead our parents

and generally...

sneak around.

I may need some more convincing.

I'll meet you later
behind the bleachers.

Bring your pom-poms.

Hello, Nedly.

Looked to me like you were necking
with my daughter.

The one you promised
to keep a distance from.

You can't be here.
Go upstairs.

I'm not going anywhere.

Everybody out!

We have a gas leak caused by...

a radon emission chock
full of asbestos!

Safety first!

Cover your eyes!

Everybody out!

Seriously... no cake at all?

- I made you a cake.
- I'm not one for chocolate.

Who's not for chocolate?
Everyone at least tolerates it!

Mr. Charles,
you can't be in public like this.

- If someone sees you...
- I'll say I'm a burn victim.

If I need to say anything at all.

I've been walking around for an hour,
and no one's looked at me twice.

I wonder if I can get myself one of
those "handicapped parking" placards.

There's no driving!
That's rule number 17!

Why am I supposed to play by your rules
when you don't, Romeo?

I...

I'm just trying to keep you safe.

Look, kiddo,

you may be able to scare
Charlotte with stories of mobs

and pitchforks and torches,
but I know the truth.

If the villagers show,
they aren't coming for me.

No, they're coming
for the guy with the magic finger.

Hate to break it to you, Charles,
but no one cared about Dr. Frankenstein.

They were after his monster.

Regardless of what you think, my
priority is your daughter's well-being.

If you walk out that door,
you put her life in jeopardy.

As her father,
I'll be the judge of that.

You're not leaving.

Not bad for a dead guy, huh?

Don't... touch... me.

As the tide turned
for the pie maker,

a turn of the tide
allowed Emerson Cod and Olive Snook

to turn their investigation
toward a sea cave.

If the McQuoddys are barnacled up
in here, we'll have them cornered.

If McQuoddy is here, I'll just die!

Not because he's a killer,
but because he's a...

Easy there, friend!

Not foe.

Yeah, well, we foe, fo'sho'.

Emerson Cod, PI,

here to trawl your ass downtown.
Where's Elliot?

Gathering supplies.

We know all about
the McQuoddy family killers cruise.

You two murdered Nora!

You're mistaken, matey!

When she died, I was here.

Why are you bunked up al grotto?

For the past month, Nora and I...

had been trying to put
our marriage back on its old course,

but 10 years apart...

leaves you different people.

The other night,
while Elliot was at the movies,

Nora confessed to me that she'd found
her bearings with another man.

Bewildered, I sought shelter here.

Why not clear things up
with the authorities?

Because I'm a ghost with an alibi

as thin as fishing line!

It was Elliot's idea
to set sail from here.

Said he'd garner the funds
and I would prep the vessel.

Just one hole in your story.

Elliot never mentioned
Nora's new squeeze.

Nora never told him.

Yeah, well, you better cough up a name,
or we're hauling your buoy in.

She didn't tell me his name.

But I found this...

in her personal effects.

A dutch love spoon.
Men used to give it to their women

as a symbol of the sweetness
that they'd feed each other forever.

I've read
the entire Harlequin library.

I didn't give my wife this spoon.

No.

A lover did.

A lover who murdered her
in a jealous rage

before she had a chance to tell him
that she was leaving her husband.

See? Engraving says:
"A.P. 'hearts' N.M."

N.M. is Nora McQuoddy,
but who in the hell is A.P.?

Papen is a dutch name.

Scurvy! There's 50 Papens
in this county alone.

But only one Augustus.

- Gus Papen!
- Gus Papen!

I think I was first.

What happened?

Your dad came down
and we had a little... tussle.

- What do you mean "a tussle"?
- Well, more like a scuffle.

Charlotte?

- Oh, my god.
- No, wait...

let me explain.

Oh, my god.

Ned. Oh, my god.

Come here.

The light...

so bright.

Are you okay?

- My wrist.
- What?

I think I need to ice it.

Now, you go upstairs
and I'll be right there.

- That was an act!
- An act of foolishness.

Why would you bring him
to the Pie Hole?

I didn't. He left my apartment
of his own accord,

wandered around for an hour,
and then grabbed a seat at the counter.

He wouldn't do that.
He knows the rules.

Didn't you hear? Your dad's not
one for chocolate or rules.

So from this point on,
he's gonna be doing his own thing.

All right, I will go upstairs
and I will talk to him.

We said we'd handle this together.

- I'm coming with you.
- No.

You're far too upset.
I'm not having you fighting again.

He's a big boy. He can handle it.

Yeah, well, maybe I can't.

I get it. My dad is strong-willed
and he's stubborn.

But it's just a normal...

father/daughter/daughter's boyfriend
dynamic.

No, it's not.

Why not? Because he's been dead
for 20 years? Just...

pretend he's been in a coma.

I don't have the luxury
of pretending that he's in a coma

or you're the head cheerleader
or any of this is normal,

because Charles Charles
has no problem exposing our secret

to the rest of the world!
We need to put a stop to this.

How? 'cause re-deading him
is not an option.

I never said that. Look,
I've tried everything to make this work.

You don't want to work
together anymore... fine.

You take care of it.

Hi.

Come here, Button.

What I have here is a cookbook...

of culinary treasures
from around the world.

Close your eyes, tap the page,
and where the spoon lands...

is where you and I
are gonna go tonight.

No, dad, it was just a misunderstanding
that went out of control.

Leaving is not the answer.

Well, is this better?

Let's see. Rule 21...
"When crossing rooms simultaneously,

party A shall announce "Coming"
at which point party B shall pause,

then commence movement
with the response "Going."

This is how you live?

You may have grown up without me,
but I am back,

and I am never gonna stop
trying to keep you safe.

The little girl I left behind
would have never settled

for a lock-and-key existence.

No, she was destined for adventure.

But...

my life is here.

This isn't a life.

This is a freak show.

We're only freaks in Ned's world.

Away from Ned,
we could do anything, be anything.

Dad, I just want things
to be how they used to be.

Come with me, Button.

Pie is...

simple.

It's limited. Just...

a bit of... pastry and filling.

Cake is complex,

layered with treasures
waiting to be discovered.

Which one do you choose?

Gus and Nora were an item?

Could he have had
something to do with her murder?

- You didn't hear it from me.
- Oh, my god!

Miss Snook, I almost forgot...

I told
the notable widows your story,

and it made us realize
how very blessed we are.

It is better to have loved
and lost than to be you.

Well, you'll have to excuse me.

I have an appointment to get to.

Ta, sad Miss Snook.

See you at Tuesday's potluck.

Not on
the Savile Row glen plaid cashmere.

It's just paper-mach� paste.

It'll come right out.

See you at the potluck on Tuesday!

Ta.

You get anything from Vandersloop?

Just a good riling.

'cause I found something,
snooping around in Gus Papen's office.

A proposal to redevelop
Papen Harbor lighthouse.

Check the next page.

- A water slide!
- He got a green light.

The runt of the Papen Litter
found a way to prove

that he can go toe-to-capitalistic-toe
with all his brothers.

Merle's sudden return
gave him a McQuoddy twofer.

Kill Nora and then frame
the crazy captain with the crime.

With both of them out of the way,

he's free to redevelop
to his bank account's content,

- provided he could get rid of...
- Elliot McQuoddy!

Confirming a meeting with Gus
at the lighthouse tonight.

Help!

- Oh, hell no!
- Oh, hell no!

All right, Papen!
Step away from the boy!

Help!

If I do, he'll die!

Is that reverse psychology?
That's exactly what you want!

What I want is to save him!

Is that reverse reverse psychology?

He didn't do this!

Well, then who the hell did?

"Who the hell did?"
was Elliot McQuoddy himself.

Realizing the severity
of the impending nor'easter,

Nora's son struggled
to do his dead mother proud

by raising the signal flags...

Mommy!

... And failed.

Thank you.

It's okay, Elliot.

So, wait a minute.

You weren't trying
to wipe out the McQuoddy line

and take over this lighthouse?

Of course not!
Not when I want to save it!

I don't like the looks of this.

I don't like the looks of him!

"Welcome to
the Papen lighthouse resort & day spa"?

I'll be your candle on the water

- my love for you will always burn,
- Always burn,

I know you're lost

and drifting,
but the clouds are lifting

don't give up,
you'll have somewhere to...

Shut the a cappella up.

And that's how
our cocktail hour begins...

with a bang and a song!

Followed by a gourmet meal
and dancing here in the lamp room.

That's why I called Elliot...
to pitch him!

This feels really, really wrong.

How can a symbol of love be wrong?

So, you...

and my mom?

She wanted to tell you.

Then your father returned.

We tried to put our feelings aside,

to give them
a shot at recapturing the past...

But they couldn't.

Let's have something good
come out of this tragedy.

If that's the plan,
please nix the glitter.

Who'd you get to decorate the place...
Annabelle Vandersloop?

Wait a minute.
What if crazy craft lady was up here,

but instead of a hot-glue gun,
she brought a stone-cold harpoon?

Mrs. Vandersloop was my mother's best
friend. Why would she kill her?

Because Nora wasn't the only squeeze
Papen here was squeezin'.

Turn around there, shortstop.

Paper-mach�?

You were getting down
with the diorama dame.

I damned that dame every time
she made an advance...

Like tonight, in my office,
and a dozen nights before.

Come on, Papen.

You two must have been swapping

something other
than historical factoids.

Once...

years ago...

at the historical society
Christmas party.

So, spurned lover spears
her best friend,

then frames ghost husband
to take the fall.

Let's rubber-cement
her ass to a prison bed.

Tell me you guys
are missing a baritone.

A full house!

So much for keeping
the innocent-victim count down.

Seriously, does she toot glitter?

That ain't glitter.

- That's gunpowder.
- She's going to blow us up.

You remember my husband,
Adolph, the munitions manufacturer?

I inherited
the remaining inventory.

Said I'd save it for a rainy day.

And look... it's here!

Annabelle, why?

You tossed our love aside
like it never happened!

It was one night!

What we had was so much more special
than anything you had with Nora.

When Merle returned,
it was the answer to my prayers.

But even then, you couldn't let go!

So I had to eliminate her.

- I still love Nora.
- Shut up.

That's why you've left me no choice.

I don't understand how killing us
is gonna solve anything!

I do! I do!

When you called me "sad Miss Snook",
it really honked me off,

but now I realize that you recognized
sadness in me because you had it in you.

The rest of you don't know
what it's like

to know in your heart
that you belong with somebody,

if you could only eliminate everybody
else so that maybe he'd finally,

finally grasp
what you've been trying to show him...

that feeling
that you've been dying to recapture.

If only for a moment.

But that moment never comes, so what
do you do? Decide not to love Ned?

- Gus.
- Gus! Gus!

- See? I've tried that.
- Me too!

Did it work?

- Heck no.
- Heck no!

So you know what I say?

Annabelle Vandersloop did move on.

She was no longer sad
about losing Gus' love,

since a 30-year prison sentence gave
her something to be truly sad about.

Merle and Elliot McQuoddy
moved on, as well,

becoming partners
in Gus Papen's lighthouse hotel.

They used the profits
for a trip around the world

and found, on the high seas,

the route back
to their father/son bond.

Meanwhile,

private detective Emerson Cod
was afloat in a sea of reward money,

given by the Papen County
Historical Society,

which he shared
with the junior PI in training.

Nice work, Snook.

Thanks, Cod.

I learned from the best.

Wait. Hold on, now. We ain't done.

You remember when you said
you were still in love with Ned?

That wasn't just
for wicked widow's benefit, was it?

No.

I thought
I'd stomped out that flame,

or at least brought it down
to a smolder, but no.

I still burn and yearn for him
now more than ever.

Do I need to be concerned that any of my
Pie Hole peeps are gonna be eliminated?

Meaning, am I gonna harpoon
Chuck so Ned will finally love me?

No.

Well...

If the day finally comes that

being around pie boy and his pie girl
make your suffering insufferable,

I just want you to know
that there's a place for you,

right here
in this professional establishment.

All you have to do is ask.

Emerson Cod.

I think I may be winning you over.

Itty-bitty...

You made me love a rainy day again.

You've got to understand.

When I was a little girl,

I used to compare my dad to...

all the other dads on our street.

I probably wasn't
very objective, because

I was convinced that he was
the strongest and bravest and most...

fun man in the neighborhood.

I can say, objectively,
he was all those things.

And when he was gone, that's how
I remembered him. I put him on a...

paternal pedestal.

And now...

Now he wants me to leave.

Leave? Where?

Anywhere the spoon lands.

He promised me an adventure like

the ones he told me about
when I was a kid.

All I have to do is...

choose cake over pie.

He's trying to be the dad
that I always dreamed of, someone who...

could keep his little girl
safe and happy.

Except I'm...

I'm not a little girl.

Which is why I told him
the spoon lands here.

I already feel safe
and happy, and...

and, besides,
we have adventures every day.

What did he think of your decision?

He's waiting for you upstairs.

With a gun?

With an apology.

He wants us all to start afresh.

Then he's a good dad.

And you're a good man.

Come on.

Dad?

Come on! Grab your hat!

We're taking hot toddies
up to the roof to watch the snow!

No!

Dad!

Synch:
Salomon & Gaillots

Rereading:
Bruno & Toupack

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