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1
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I think I follow too many porn sites.
2
00:00:36,658 --> 00:00:38,592
- How many do you follow?
- So many.
3
00:00:38,593 --> 00:00:40,047
But I'm paranoid if I cut one,
4
00:00:40,048 --> 00:00:41,829
I'm gonna miss out on
some really good stuff.
5
00:00:41,830 --> 00:00:43,302
Well, then don't unfollow any.
6
00:00:43,303 --> 00:00:44,632
But every time I pick up my phone,
7
00:00:44,633 --> 00:00:47,304
it takes me, like, an hour to
scroll through everything.
8
00:00:47,305 --> 00:00:49,818
Longer if I get all
horned up in the middle.
9
00:00:49,819 --> 00:00:51,888
Yeah... No, actually, it sounds like
10
00:00:51,889 --> 00:00:56,944
you're in a terrible dilemma,
about which I empathize fully.
11
00:00:56,945 --> 00:00:58,623
Aw, thanks, Jimmy.
12
00:00:58,624 --> 00:01:00,981
You see, I didn't try to fix
your problem, I just empathized,
13
00:01:00,982 --> 00:01:02,816
like you taught me, like a girl.
14
00:01:02,817 --> 00:01:04,685
I appreciate that. I feel very heard.
15
00:01:04,686 --> 00:01:06,406
- Hmm.
- Now fix my problem.
16
00:01:06,407 --> 00:01:07,473
So, hey.
17
00:01:07,474 --> 00:01:09,857
You know how you guys have been
visiting wedding planners,
18
00:01:09,858 --> 00:01:11,599
and no one's lived up to your standards?
19
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,794
- We think we know why.
- Because we've been
20
00:01:13,795 --> 00:01:16,334
lying to them for our own amusement?
21
00:01:16,335 --> 00:01:20,168
Great work, Eugène François
Vidocq, first private detective
22
00:01:20,169 --> 00:01:22,109
and father of modern criminology.
23
00:01:22,110 --> 00:01:24,372
Jimmy, please! We're talking.
24
00:01:24,373 --> 00:01:28,309
It's because they don't know you.
25
00:01:28,310 --> 00:01:30,844
Because we've been lying to them.
26
00:01:30,845 --> 00:01:33,898
Really, Edgar, what part of...?
27
00:01:36,225 --> 00:01:39,019
Who better to plan the
most important day
28
00:01:39,020 --> 00:01:43,464
of your lives than the two most
important people in your lives?
29
00:01:43,465 --> 00:01:46,105
So, first of all, we were
thinking something like
30
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,262
August 7... think about it:
31
00:01:48,263 --> 00:01:50,683
midpoint of summer,
clear of any holidays.
32
00:01:50,684 --> 00:01:52,533
9/11 is just around the corner.
33
00:01:52,534 --> 00:01:54,941
Isn't August 7 your birthday?
34
00:01:54,942 --> 00:01:57,738
I know it's Charlize Theron's.
35
00:01:57,739 --> 00:02:01,575
Huh! Weird, it's mine, too.
36
00:02:01,576 --> 00:02:05,446
Spitballing here... What if
we combine celebrations?
37
00:02:05,914 --> 00:02:07,515
There's not going to be a wedding.
38
00:02:10,968 --> 00:02:13,011
- What?! No.
- This is your natural goddamn end point
39
00:02:13,012 --> 00:02:14,422
- we're working toward here...
- You guys cannot break up again.
40
00:02:14,423 --> 00:02:16,290
It's like we keep doing the
same thing over and over,
41
00:02:16,291 --> 00:02:17,391
and it's too much for my heart.
42
00:02:17,392 --> 00:02:19,167
You're like two ruined
ladies from the past...
43
00:02:19,168 --> 00:02:20,278
You're the pin in my grenade,
44
00:02:20,279 --> 00:02:22,520
- and you do not want to pull that pin!
- So close to having
45
00:02:22,521 --> 00:02:24,698
- the birthday of my dreams.
- Oh, my God, shut up.
46
00:02:24,699 --> 00:02:28,269
Look, we're getting married,
we're just not having a wedding.
47
00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:31,123
In, like... ten hours.
48
00:02:32,915 --> 00:02:34,917
We're eloping, suckas!
49
00:02:35,918 --> 00:02:38,480
Wasting hella time with those
bunk-ass wedding planners
50
00:02:38,481 --> 00:02:40,542
made us realize we can just
walk right into the courthouse
51
00:02:40,543 --> 00:02:43,384
and do this damn thing like
we're paying a parking ticket.
52
00:02:43,385 --> 00:02:45,953
Oh, but that reminds me, I have,
like, 20 parking tickets to pay.
53
00:02:45,954 --> 00:02:49,757
Well, let's bring them. Where are they?
54
00:02:51,628 --> 00:02:54,895
I can't believe this is happening.
55
00:02:54,896 --> 00:02:59,066
Come on, let's go lay down.
56
00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:00,839
So, what you up to today,
57
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,908
besides locking yourself down a hunk?
58
00:03:02,909 --> 00:03:05,244
Coffee, e-mail... might
try to squeeze in
59
00:03:05,245 --> 00:03:06,812
a little nap before lunch. You?
60
00:03:06,813 --> 00:03:09,115
Oh, I've got my first meeting
for the movie adaptation
61
00:03:09,116 --> 00:03:10,516
of The Width of a Peach.
62
00:03:10,517 --> 00:03:14,020
So, I have to drive to the west
side, which is a whole thing.
63
00:03:14,021 --> 00:03:15,854
Ugh. Eat dicks, west.
64
00:03:15,855 --> 00:03:19,958
Oh, um... this came in the post for you.
65
00:03:19,959 --> 00:03:25,131
Well, I am off. I shall return a
much maligned Hollywood elite.
66
00:03:25,132 --> 00:03:26,605
I'll see you at 4:30.
67
00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:28,534
Oh, we'll be right by
the two-dollar theater.
68
00:03:28,535 --> 00:03:30,739
They're showing that Liam
Neeson zeppelin movie.
69
00:03:30,740 --> 00:03:32,616
He wasn't asking for trouble.
70
00:03:32,617 --> 00:03:34,057
Trouble found him.
71
00:03:53,844 --> 00:03:59,845
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
72
00:04:12,328 --> 00:04:13,645
Sir...
73
00:04:20,610 --> 00:04:22,847
It's finally happening.
74
00:04:32,415 --> 00:04:34,438
Called it, I called it!
75
00:04:34,439 --> 00:04:35,953
It's mine. I called it.
76
00:04:42,376 --> 00:04:46,112
Hot, hot, not.
77
00:04:46,113 --> 00:04:49,081
- Maybe without the braces.
- Gretch?
78
00:04:49,082 --> 00:04:53,685
Has your office gotten bigger
or have I gotten smaller?
79
00:04:53,686 --> 00:04:56,658
Neither. I have had my eye
on this office for years,
80
00:04:56,659 --> 00:04:59,411
so I took advantage of the
current cultural climate
81
00:04:59,412 --> 00:05:01,127
and enacted some personal reparations
82
00:05:01,128 --> 00:05:02,728
on behalf of women everywhere.
83
00:05:02,729 --> 00:05:04,363
You "Me Too-ed" a dude for his office?
84
00:05:04,364 --> 00:05:07,545
You know it! And here's the best part.
85
00:05:08,635 --> 00:05:11,103
Holy shit.
86
00:05:11,104 --> 00:05:13,639
A bathroom in an office?
87
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:16,338
It's like Inception for pooping.
88
00:05:16,339 --> 00:05:19,111
Oh, and it has one of those
fancy Japanese toilets
89
00:05:19,112 --> 00:05:21,980
that washes your butt when
you forget how to wipe.
90
00:05:21,981 --> 00:05:23,282
- Ah!
- But, but...
91
00:05:23,283 --> 00:05:25,551
Prima nocta, bitch.
92
00:05:25,552 --> 00:05:27,170
I break him in.
93
00:05:36,375 --> 00:05:38,205
So, what's up?
94
00:05:39,710 --> 00:05:42,773
I really think you're going to
regret not having a wedding.
95
00:05:42,774 --> 00:05:44,933
Oh, my God, Lindsay.
96
00:05:44,934 --> 00:05:47,102
Just rent out a Chuck
E. Cheese or something.
97
00:05:47,103 --> 00:05:49,670
This isn't about our birthday/wedding.
98
00:05:49,671 --> 00:05:52,907
I just wanted to tell
you marriage is hard.
99
00:05:52,908 --> 00:05:56,193
Your wedding day is
the one day it's fun.
100
00:05:56,194 --> 00:05:58,547
Seriously, it's all
downhill after the wedding.
101
00:05:58,548 --> 00:06:00,115
That's just gravity.
102
00:06:00,116 --> 00:06:02,117
You're gonna go against gravity?
103
00:06:02,118 --> 00:06:04,119
I don't think so, Sandra Bullock,
104
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,457
star of the hit film Gravity.
105
00:06:06,458 --> 00:06:07,945
- What?
- I want a party!
106
00:06:07,946 --> 00:06:09,819
Lindsay, stop.
107
00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:11,960
Eloping is fine because the point
108
00:06:11,961 --> 00:06:13,995
is being hitched, not getting hitched,
109
00:06:13,996 --> 00:06:17,276
and if you'd ever actually
been in love, you'd know that.
110
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,746
Why-why would you say that?
111
00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:20,964
Because when you divorced Paul,
112
00:06:20,965 --> 00:06:22,708
you told me you'd never been in love.
113
00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:25,486
Okay, whatever.
114
00:06:26,403 --> 00:06:28,212
I have to go to day work.
115
00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:29,839
You forgot your dry cleaning.
116
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,574
It's not my dry cleaning.
117
00:06:31,575 --> 00:06:34,944
It's actually a wedding dress
I stole for you from work.
118
00:06:34,945 --> 00:06:37,186
I brought it in case you
didn't want to look shitty
119
00:06:37,187 --> 00:06:39,438
at your fake-ass non-wedding.
120
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:47,301
- Gretchen?
- I called it!
121
00:06:47,302 --> 00:06:52,239
No, we just wanted to thank you
for speaking out about Ryan.
122
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:56,551
Ryan? Wait. This guy?
123
00:06:56,552 --> 00:06:58,458
He really was a harasser?
124
00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:00,579
U-Um, yeah.
125
00:07:01,185 --> 00:07:04,838
Anyway, thanks. You're a hero.
126
00:07:07,810 --> 00:07:09,846
I am a hero.
127
00:07:14,190 --> 00:07:15,528
We're just so excited, Jimmy.
128
00:07:15,529 --> 00:07:19,294
I still can't believe that my
book is being made into a movie.
129
00:07:19,295 --> 00:07:21,124
Well, believe it.
130
00:07:21,125 --> 00:07:23,762
Oh, I absolutely believe
it. I was being folksy.
131
00:07:23,763 --> 00:07:26,167
This thing is getting great
reads all over town.
132
00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:27,536
We're starting to hear takes next week.
133
00:07:27,537 --> 00:07:29,404
Takes? Oh, brilliant.
134
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,275
And obviously, we'll run
the screenwriter by you,
135
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:32,861
as a courtesy, you know.
136
00:07:32,862 --> 00:07:34,971
Thank you so much for stopping by.
137
00:07:34,972 --> 00:07:36,678
And if you have any suggestions,
138
00:07:36,679 --> 00:07:38,825
we definitely want you to feel heard.
139
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:41,049
Wait, why would you hire someone else
140
00:07:41,050 --> 00:07:43,318
to write the movie of my book?
141
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:47,322
Uh...
142
00:07:47,323 --> 00:07:49,391
Great, you want to throw
your hat in the ring?
143
00:07:49,392 --> 00:07:50,392
That's fantastic.
144
00:07:50,393 --> 00:07:51,826
- Uh...
- Yeah.
145
00:07:51,827 --> 00:07:54,563
Why don't you come back in once
you've nailed down your take?
146
00:07:54,564 --> 00:07:55,997
- Dan.
- Okay?
147
00:07:55,998 --> 00:07:58,278
- Ooh, sorry, guys, I got to run.
- Ooh.
148
00:07:58,279 --> 00:07:59,834
Great seeing you, Jim.
149
00:07:59,835 --> 00:08:04,673
Uh, that must be that,
uh, big 1:00 meeting.
150
00:08:04,674 --> 00:08:07,125
I really should...
151
00:08:21,949 --> 00:08:23,450
What's a take?
152
00:08:28,138 --> 00:08:31,356
Stubborn bitch is being
such a stubborn bitch.
153
00:08:31,357 --> 00:08:32,901
She doesn't deserve that toilet.
154
00:08:32,902 --> 00:08:34,303
Lindsay, you're-you're hurting my...
155
00:08:34,304 --> 00:08:35,882
She said I've never been in love.
156
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,872
How dare she criticize my love life
157
00:08:37,873 --> 00:08:39,308
when she's eloping like a poor?
158
00:08:39,309 --> 00:08:40,609
This is bad, Lindsay. Think about it.
159
00:08:40,610 --> 00:08:42,644
If they're cutting us out
of this, what's next?
160
00:08:42,645 --> 00:08:43,878
- Vacations?
- Dog adoptions.
161
00:08:43,879 --> 00:08:45,079
- Babies?
- Shopping montages.
162
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,948
- Funerals?
- That dress was our last hope,
163
00:08:46,949 --> 00:08:48,088
and she didn't even look at it.
164
00:08:48,089 --> 00:08:49,447
Oh, this elopement is a slippery slope.
165
00:08:49,448 --> 00:08:52,387
And we're sliding, Lindsay,
we're sliding fast.
166
00:08:52,388 --> 00:08:53,755
That's it.
167
00:08:53,756 --> 00:08:56,658
I have to convince him
to have a wedding.
168
00:08:57,213 --> 00:08:59,294
Oh, buddy.
169
00:09:00,057 --> 00:09:02,831
Oh, sweet, sweet buddy.
170
00:09:02,832 --> 00:09:06,702
- Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet...
- What?!
171
00:09:06,703 --> 00:09:10,179
Edgar, Jimmy is smart.
172
00:09:10,180 --> 00:09:12,240
And you're, well, Edgar.
173
00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:14,398
I'm smart.
174
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,679
I've been tricking Jimmy into
letting me live in his house
175
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,015
for the last three years.
176
00:09:19,016 --> 00:09:20,482
Hate to break it to you,
177
00:09:20,483 --> 00:09:23,352
but you're the dumb one of the group.
178
00:09:23,353 --> 00:09:25,854
What? No. You're the dumb one.
179
00:09:25,855 --> 00:09:27,225
- No, I'm the hot one.
- I'm the hot one.
180
00:09:28,507 --> 00:09:31,192
The reason you think
181
00:09:31,193 --> 00:09:32,861
someone else is the
dumb one of the group
182
00:09:32,862 --> 00:09:34,963
is because that's what the
dumb one's supposed to think
183
00:09:34,964 --> 00:09:36,498
to protect them,
184
00:09:36,499 --> 00:09:38,767
'cause if you were dumb
and sad at the same time,
185
00:09:38,768 --> 00:09:40,134
then you'd kill yourself.
186
00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:43,824
Now stick it back in
me somewhere, dummy.
187
00:09:48,361 --> 00:09:51,980
I'm not the dumb one,
you're the dumb one.
188
00:09:51,981 --> 00:09:53,293
Gretchen?
189
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,780
Gretchen. Gretchen?
190
00:09:57,553 --> 00:10:01,241
Gretchen, are you okay? Gretchen!
191
00:10:01,242 --> 00:10:03,992
- Gretchen, is our session today?
- How's Iowa?
192
00:10:03,993 --> 00:10:08,162
Oh, wait, literally no one
cares about anyone in Iowa.
193
00:10:08,163 --> 00:10:10,678
Anyway, I am eloping today.
194
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,300
And you feel conflicted about it?
195
00:10:12,301 --> 00:10:13,452
Uh, hell no.
196
00:10:13,453 --> 00:10:14,836
I feel great about it.
197
00:10:14,837 --> 00:10:16,371
They teach you to jump to conclusions
198
00:10:16,372 --> 00:10:18,907
in titty-sucking bitch
school? I'm sorry.
199
00:10:18,908 --> 00:10:20,742
- I know we're working on that.
- Thank you.
200
00:10:20,743 --> 00:10:23,512
I meant titty-sucking bitch university!
201
00:10:23,513 --> 00:10:26,715
Oh! Goddamn it, I am killing it today.
202
00:10:26,716 --> 00:10:28,417
Gretchen, I have work to do.
203
00:10:28,418 --> 00:10:32,987
So, I was 100 on this eloping thing,
204
00:10:32,988 --> 00:10:34,984
and then this box showed up
205
00:10:34,985 --> 00:10:37,892
with this dumb wedding dream book
206
00:10:37,893 --> 00:10:39,498
I made as a kid.
207
00:10:40,362 --> 00:10:43,243
And I'm still into eloping, I just...
208
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:45,203
I don't know.
209
00:10:47,122 --> 00:10:49,237
I'm just mad pissed.
210
00:10:49,238 --> 00:10:51,239
I told my simple-ass brother
211
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,575
about this whole thing in
secret, and he went and blabbed
212
00:10:53,576 --> 00:10:55,510
to his depressed postpartum sad wife.
213
00:10:55,511 --> 00:10:57,579
It's like, maybe focus on keeping her
214
00:10:57,580 --> 00:10:59,748
from drowning my nephew,
you loose-lipped dickwad.
215
00:10:59,749 --> 00:11:02,962
Jesus Christ, Gretchen,
what is going on with you?
216
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,119
It's this stupid book!
217
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,188
And on top of that,
218
00:11:06,189 --> 00:11:07,969
Lindsay brought me a wedding dress.
219
00:11:07,970 --> 00:11:12,056
It's like the universe wants
me to have a wedding?
220
00:11:12,057 --> 00:11:13,862
Sounds like you're more in
touch with what you want
221
00:11:13,863 --> 00:11:16,235
then you realize, and if
you're still having doubts...
222
00:11:16,236 --> 00:11:17,960
I should try the dress on?
223
00:11:17,961 --> 00:11:21,047
I was gonna say go for a
run, but sure, Gretchen,
224
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:22,840
try on the dress and see
how you feel about it.
225
00:11:22,841 --> 00:11:24,008
Cool.
226
00:11:24,009 --> 00:11:25,440
I'm glad I figured that out.
227
00:11:25,441 --> 00:11:26,915
I'll Venmo myself ten bucks.
228
00:11:26,916 --> 00:11:28,337
It's $150.
229
00:11:28,911 --> 00:11:30,932
And you owe me for three months.
230
00:11:31,647 --> 00:11:34,251
Anyways, I... I hope you
and Boone figure it out.
231
00:11:34,252 --> 00:11:35,290
Who?
232
00:11:35,291 --> 00:11:38,142
Keep up, I'm marrying Jimmy.
233
00:11:38,143 --> 00:11:41,790
Gretchen, you listen
to me very carefully.
234
00:11:41,791 --> 00:11:44,109
Do not marry...
235
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:06,636
Yeah, I feel nothing. Nice.
236
00:12:28,517 --> 00:12:30,100
Oh!
237
00:12:34,489 --> 00:12:39,293
Yeah, I got 15 minutes.
Let's do this, toilet.
238
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,387
How dare they make me audition
239
00:12:50,388 --> 00:12:53,057
to write the movie version of my book?
240
00:12:53,058 --> 00:12:54,430
It's illogical
241
00:12:54,431 --> 00:12:55,893
and insulting.
242
00:12:55,894 --> 00:12:57,862
And if that's the way
that this industry works,
243
00:12:57,863 --> 00:13:01,187
then I shan't be party to any of it.
244
00:13:01,188 --> 00:13:03,701
- No, I shan't indeed.
- Hey.
245
00:13:03,702 --> 00:13:05,953
Let's not talk shop today.
246
00:13:05,954 --> 00:13:09,821
Um, a toast. To your wedding.
247
00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:11,542
Since we won't actually
248
00:13:11,543 --> 00:13:13,844
- be there, I just want to say...
- Edgar, Edgar,
249
00:13:13,845 --> 00:13:17,014
Edgar, please, just save
yourself the mental exertion
250
00:13:17,015 --> 00:13:20,417
you can clearly ill afford.
We're not having a wedding.
251
00:13:20,418 --> 00:13:21,652
- No, but you...
- Moreover,
252
00:13:21,653 --> 00:13:23,821
if you truly knew us,
253
00:13:23,822 --> 00:13:27,024
you would understand the
heterodox iconoclastic nature
254
00:13:27,025 --> 00:13:29,193
of a spontaneous elopement
255
00:13:29,194 --> 00:13:32,897
perfectly captures the renegade
tale of our amorous union.
256
00:13:32,898 --> 00:13:36,500
- So just save it.
- Ugh, fine.
257
00:13:36,501 --> 00:13:38,669
I did bring you here to
convince you to have
258
00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:40,671
a real wedding,
259
00:13:40,672 --> 00:13:43,040
but you painted such a
beautiful word salad just now,
260
00:13:43,041 --> 00:13:44,837
I've changed my mind.
261
00:13:46,011 --> 00:13:49,864
I guess Lindsay was right... I
am the dumb one of the group.
262
00:13:50,982 --> 00:13:53,417
Well, I guess eloping does make sense
263
00:13:53,418 --> 00:13:55,519
considering all the people
whose weddings you've heckled
264
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,188
over the years who'd just
show up to bring you down.
265
00:13:58,189 --> 00:14:01,726
Please! I am un-bring-down-able.
266
00:14:01,727 --> 00:14:03,127
Nah, but weddings aren't.
267
00:14:03,128 --> 00:14:05,429
Remember what you did
to Becca and Vernon's?
268
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:07,231
Ugh, what a low-rent,
269
00:14:07,232 --> 00:14:08,933
tacky affair.
270
00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:11,969
I mean, the horrid music,
the wretched decor,
271
00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:13,704
my God, the food.
272
00:14:13,705 --> 00:14:16,106
There was nary a burrata bar to be seen.
273
00:14:16,107 --> 00:14:19,922
Ooh, what kind of food would you have?
274
00:14:19,923 --> 00:14:23,648
Oh, well, my wedding would
be catered by Roy Choi,
275
00:14:23,649 --> 00:14:26,316
- obviously.
- Oh, man, I love him.
276
00:14:26,317 --> 00:14:27,752
The flowers would have
277
00:14:27,753 --> 00:14:31,656
to be sourced same-day from
the flower mart, of course.
278
00:14:31,657 --> 00:14:35,292
Color palette: Claude
Monet, Rouen Cathedral,
279
00:14:35,293 --> 00:14:39,296
West Facade, Sunlight, 1892.
280
00:14:39,297 --> 00:14:41,310
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
281
00:14:42,433 --> 00:14:45,231
Day of the event, fade in.
282
00:14:45,232 --> 00:14:48,272
It's dawn at Adamson House,
283
00:14:48,273 --> 00:14:51,341
and the fog is dense
over the Pacific Ocean,
284
00:14:51,342 --> 00:14:53,662
like a perfect Christmas pudding.
285
00:15:14,716 --> 00:15:16,718
Omakase?
286
00:15:27,372 --> 00:15:30,375
I'll have what I'm having.
287
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:46,396
And then a tasteful fireworks
display over the ocean,
288
00:15:46,397 --> 00:15:50,634
scored to Mahler's Ich bin
der Welt abhanden gekommen,
289
00:15:50,635 --> 00:15:53,704
would bring to a close
the greatest wedding
290
00:15:53,705 --> 00:15:56,240
in the history of matrimony.
291
00:15:56,241 --> 00:16:01,078
Resetting the very bar to
which all couples aspire.
292
00:16:01,079 --> 00:16:03,180
As espoused by Will Smith
293
00:16:03,181 --> 00:16:06,061
as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens in Hitch,
294
00:16:06,062 --> 00:16:10,654
"Life is not the amount
of breaths you take,
295
00:16:10,655 --> 00:16:14,744
it's the moments that
take your breath away."
296
00:16:14,745 --> 00:16:16,761
Oh...
297
00:16:16,762 --> 00:16:19,196
That shit was beautiful, bro.
298
00:16:19,197 --> 00:16:20,597
So when's this wedding?
299
00:16:20,598 --> 00:16:23,267
Oh, that was all
hypothetical, lowly barkeep.
300
00:16:23,268 --> 00:16:28,038
In fact, my fiancée and
I are eloping at...
301
00:16:28,039 --> 00:16:30,908
...45 minutes ago.
302
00:16:30,909 --> 00:16:32,342
Oh, dear God!
303
00:16:32,343 --> 00:16:34,822
- What'd you do, bro?
- Jimmy, no. Jimmy.
304
00:16:34,823 --> 00:16:37,381
She thinks I've abandoned her. Again.
305
00:16:37,382 --> 00:16:38,949
Oh, no, Jimmy.
306
00:16:38,950 --> 00:16:40,275
I guess you have no choice
307
00:16:40,276 --> 00:16:43,659
but to throw a real wedding.
308
00:17:21,314 --> 00:17:24,051
Oh, God.
309
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,846
This is my fault. This
was my plan all along.
310
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:40,371
Well, not this. Just the
part where I bamboozle you
311
00:17:40,372 --> 00:17:41,685
into wanting a real wedding.
312
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:43,871
I didn't mean for you to leave
Gretchen at the non-altar.
313
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,924
- I'm too powerful, Jimmy.
- Yeah, right.
314
00:17:47,925 --> 00:17:50,105
We've already established
that you're the dumb one.
315
00:17:50,106 --> 00:17:51,427
Nice try, though, dummy.
316
00:17:51,428 --> 00:17:53,496
Quick, give me a tube
sock and some nickels.
317
00:17:53,497 --> 00:17:55,331
I'll work you over,
basic training style,
318
00:17:55,332 --> 00:17:57,901
and Gretchen will think you
got jumped outside City Hall.
319
00:17:57,902 --> 00:18:01,671
Edgar, that is moronic.
What kind of demented idiot
320
00:18:01,672 --> 00:18:03,372
would agree to something like that?
321
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:04,774
Do it.
322
00:18:14,716 --> 00:18:18,221
Damn it, Gretchen! Stay still.
323
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,356
This is really hard for me.
324
00:18:20,357 --> 00:18:23,459
I'm sorry, I thought I'd long
ago lost my survival instinct,
325
00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:27,230
along with my gag
reflex. Oh, goddamn it!
326
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,898
I can't believe I missed my wedding.
327
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,082
What the fuck is wrong with me?
328
00:18:31,083 --> 00:18:32,602
Gretchen, Gretchen.
329
00:18:32,603 --> 00:18:34,570
I know this seems like a giant deal now,
330
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:37,641
but in a few years, when
you and Jimmy are...
331
00:18:37,642 --> 00:18:39,894
Oh! Oh, no! Gretchen,
332
00:18:39,895 --> 00:18:42,545
I thought surprising you would
work, but it worked too good.
333
00:18:42,546 --> 00:18:43,880
I...
334
00:18:43,881 --> 00:18:44,914
- Again.
- What?
335
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,116
No. Honey, once was hard enough.
336
00:18:47,117 --> 00:18:48,384
I-I couldn't possibly...
337
00:18:49,552 --> 00:18:51,816
That's for saying I've
never been in love.
338
00:18:51,817 --> 00:18:53,823
Oh, Jesus, but it's true!
339
00:18:56,226 --> 00:18:59,162
Stop! Lindsay! Safe word!
340
00:19:16,507 --> 00:19:17,824
How do I look?
341
00:19:17,825 --> 00:19:21,051
Like Mickey Rourke was stung by bees.
342
00:19:21,052 --> 00:19:22,832
Perfect.
343
00:19:22,833 --> 00:19:25,848
Sorry I said the thing about
you never being in love.
344
00:19:25,849 --> 00:19:27,623
It's okay. It's true.
345
00:19:28,436 --> 00:19:30,297
Just hurts to hear it out loud.
346
00:20:12,663 --> 00:20:14,248
Oh, no.
347
00:20:15,065 --> 00:20:17,151
My Snapple was in there.
348
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:36,627
I don't smell smoke.
349
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:42,165
And her car's not here.
350
00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,256
Oh, I... I guess we're safe for now.
351
00:20:47,257 --> 00:20:49,672
I wonder if there's a way
that we can convince her
352
00:20:49,673 --> 00:20:52,186
that you manipulated me
into missing the wedding?
353
00:20:52,187 --> 00:20:54,757
Oh, you mean my plan I actually did?
354
00:20:54,758 --> 00:20:58,531
Yeah, but in my fictitious
version, it worked.
355
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:01,851
Okay, listen, Gretchen,
356
00:21:01,852 --> 00:21:03,834
I can... Oh, my God!
357
00:21:04,413 --> 00:21:05,588
What happened?!
358
00:21:05,589 --> 00:21:08,457
Oh, Jimmy, I'm still shaking.
359
00:21:08,458 --> 00:21:11,727
I got in an insane accident.
360
00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:15,162
Like, an inch away from
being decapitated,
361
00:21:15,163 --> 00:21:18,301
Final Destination insane.
362
00:21:18,302 --> 00:21:20,136
Oh, Jesus, are... are you hurt?
363
00:21:20,137 --> 00:21:23,139
Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.
364
00:21:23,140 --> 00:21:26,409
Oh, Gretchen, I'm so, so sorry.
365
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,778
Listen, the-the last thing
I'd want you to think is
366
00:21:28,779 --> 00:21:31,580
that I'd abandoned you... again.
367
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,944
And, uh, it's been
absolutely killing me.
368
00:21:33,945 --> 00:21:35,551
Wait. You didn't show up?
369
00:21:35,552 --> 00:21:38,054
I mean, you didn't show up.
370
00:21:38,570 --> 00:21:40,405
You didn't show up!
371
00:21:40,406 --> 00:21:43,545
Oh, what is wrong with you?
372
00:21:43,546 --> 00:21:46,998
You left me standing
there in this dress?
373
00:21:46,999 --> 00:21:49,342
Do you know how stupid I looked?
374
00:21:49,343 --> 00:21:51,709
Do you know how humiliated I was?
375
00:21:51,710 --> 00:21:53,436
I'm so, so sorry.
376
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:56,005
You left me standing there,
377
00:21:56,006 --> 00:21:58,623
waiting for you
378
00:21:58,624 --> 00:22:00,959
on the street!
379
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,967
Crying like I'm in some bad movie.
380
00:22:04,968 --> 00:22:09,859
All the other couples in
line were laughing at me!
381
00:22:09,860 --> 00:22:12,264
A homeless man hugged me
382
00:22:12,265 --> 00:22:14,657
'cause he felt so bad!
383
00:22:16,969 --> 00:22:20,263
What is wrong with you, Jimmy?
384
00:22:20,264 --> 00:22:21,570
What...?
385
00:22:21,571 --> 00:22:23,833
Oh, Gretchen.
386
00:22:23,834 --> 00:22:25,795
You just couldn't help
yourself, could you?
387
00:22:25,796 --> 00:22:27,578
What are you talking about?
388
00:22:27,579 --> 00:22:30,806
You little ginger fool. You say
389
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:33,787
you were "waiting on the street"
390
00:22:33,788 --> 00:22:36,445
because you imagined City Hall
391
00:22:36,446 --> 00:22:38,882
was just some sort of kiosk
392
00:22:38,883 --> 00:22:40,850
or storefront, didn't you?
393
00:22:40,851 --> 00:22:41,921
No. I...
394
00:22:41,922 --> 00:22:43,786
Because you've never been there.
395
00:22:43,787 --> 00:22:45,821
Not to pay a parking ticket,
396
00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:47,857
not to get married.
397
00:22:48,511 --> 00:22:51,037
You didn't show up either!
398
00:22:51,038 --> 00:22:54,099
Yes, I did. Why would I
be wearing this dress
399
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:55,965
- if I didn't?
- See, when I mistakenly
400
00:22:55,966 --> 00:22:58,868
drank through our City Hall wedding,
401
00:22:58,869 --> 00:23:03,206
Edgar's first instinct was to
use his penchant for violence
402
00:23:03,207 --> 00:23:06,991
to make it look as though I
was set upon by ruffians.
403
00:23:06,992 --> 00:23:10,813
Now something tells me, as the
twin dummies of the group,
404
00:23:10,814 --> 00:23:12,991
Lindsay had a similar moronic idea.
405
00:23:12,992 --> 00:23:15,418
It was my moronic idea!
406
00:23:15,419 --> 00:23:18,021
Mm. Uh...
407
00:23:18,022 --> 00:23:19,281
Fine.
408
00:23:20,421 --> 00:23:21,881
I missed it, too.
409
00:23:22,953 --> 00:23:25,999
- Sit down, Gretchen.
- No.
410
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,264
- Oh, come on. We can figure this out.
- No.
411
00:23:28,265 --> 00:23:31,734
I know. I just can't sit down right now.
412
00:23:31,735 --> 00:23:33,169
I missed the wedding
413
00:23:33,170 --> 00:23:35,506
'cause I was banging my new toilet.
414
00:23:35,507 --> 00:23:37,540
It's a long story.
415
00:23:37,541 --> 00:23:39,186
Actually, it's not.
416
00:23:39,187 --> 00:23:40,984
I just said the whole thing.
417
00:23:42,076 --> 00:23:44,640
So, neither of us showed.
418
00:23:46,343 --> 00:23:50,290
Do you think there's
some deeper meaning?
419
00:23:56,209 --> 00:23:59,858
Gretchen Cutler's Wedding Diary.
420
00:24:01,568 --> 00:24:03,266
I think I want a wedding.
421
00:24:03,267 --> 00:24:05,837
A wedding? Are you mad?
422
00:24:05,838 --> 00:24:07,422
He wants one, too!
423
00:24:07,423 --> 00:24:09,939
Tell her about the fog,
Jimmy. The Christmas fog.
424
00:24:09,940 --> 00:24:12,059
Oh.
425
00:24:38,262 --> 00:24:39,738
Dear Gretchen,
426
00:24:39,739 --> 00:24:42,638
if you're watching this,
it's because I died.
427
00:24:42,639 --> 00:24:43,906
Just kidding!
428
00:24:43,907 --> 00:24:45,975
It's because we're getting married!
429
00:24:45,976 --> 00:24:48,511
If everything's gone
according to the plan,
430
00:24:48,512 --> 00:24:51,848
you're a hot 22-year-old
marine biologist
431
00:24:51,849 --> 00:24:54,870
who's engaged to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
432
00:24:54,871 --> 00:24:56,722
22.
433
00:24:56,723 --> 00:24:58,730
- He's so cute.
- You're no JTT, pal.
434
00:24:58,731 --> 00:25:01,157
Okay. So this is the must-have section.
435
00:25:01,158 --> 00:25:03,675
A French lace gown
with a ten-foot train,
436
00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:04,886
a chocolate fountain.
437
00:25:04,887 --> 00:25:06,474
New Kids on the Block will perform.
438
00:25:06,475 --> 00:25:07,876
For the complete list, refer
439
00:25:07,877 --> 00:25:09,629
to the must-haves section in our book.
440
00:25:13,740 --> 00:25:17,817
I know it sounds fun, but
marriage can be really scary.
441
00:25:17,818 --> 00:25:20,509
So, if you ever get
nervous, just remember
442
00:25:20,510 --> 00:25:23,003
you're making me really happy.
443
00:25:23,004 --> 00:25:25,714
And don't forget to run
everything by Mom,
444
00:25:25,715 --> 00:25:27,283
or you'll have to eat dinner
445
00:25:27,284 --> 00:25:29,502
in the scary room for bad
girls under the stairs.
446
00:25:32,988 --> 00:25:34,619
So should we pick a date?
447
00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:38,061
- August 7 is a nice...
- GRETCHEN and JIMMY: No.
448
00:26:05,538 --> 00:26:07,022
Ah.
449
00:26:07,023 --> 00:26:09,442
Ah.
450
00:26:39,241 --> 00:26:45,241
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
33148
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