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1
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,291
(sobs)
2
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,094
Who wanted cheese? Joe. Rem Dogg.
3
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,804
- No Nutella?
- No Nutella.
4
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,722
Right, bacon?
5
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:55,314
I'm gonna cry.
Justin Bieber signed the visitors' book.
6
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,528
Class K, if you don't shut up, you can
wave goodbye to the Heineken factory.
7
00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:05,658
- Was she like Bridget Jones?
- No, she was persecuted by the Nazis.
8
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:07,781
Here you go, Downton Abbey.
9
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,949
Cleo, check it out. I just put some
magic mushrooms in Mr Wickers' crepe.
10
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:14,116
Move, man.
11
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:16,581
- FML, this line is not cute.
- Queue jump?
12
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:19,755
Rem D099, we're not using your wheelchair
13
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,634
to queue barge Hasidic Jews
into an Anne Frank exhibition.
14
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,718
Sorry.
15
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,055
Look more ill.
16
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:41,436
Now, guys, before we go in, please for
once can you just be respectful.
17
00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:51,821
Jing
I've found Anne.
18
00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,839
(Jing) That's a waxwork model.
19
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,469
Sir?
20
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,099
Sir?
21
00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:16,220
Are you okay?
22
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:22,355
Hush, Po, Anne's trying to speak.
23
00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:34,321
She wants to go home.
24
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,666
(electronic dance music)
25
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:46,250
Call the Police!
Stop!
26
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:25,190
(distorted) We're gonna make it.
27
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,257
(loud chatter)
28
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:55,090
(whistling noise)
29
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:03,054
Susan, I think I discussed this
in the last meeting.
30
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:06,975
We are all a little uncomfortable
being called to order by a rape alarm.
31
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:11,145
Our children are not going
on another school trip with that clown.
32
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:16,033
Mr Wickers assures me that this field trip
is of great academic value.
33
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,068
They're going to Las Vegas!
34
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,497
- Great for their maths.
- And French.
35
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:26,001
- They're seeing Celine Dion.
- We are all sick of that buffoon
36
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,752
being protected by his father
37
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,713
Or so his mother assured me.
38
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:32,294
- his sexual playmate
- Odd choice of words.
39
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,256
- and the headmaster.
- His wingman. Home slice.
40
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:38,262
- Brother from another mother.
- A joke!
41
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,469
Look, he isn't perfect, but
42
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:45,221
Alfie Wickers is a
truly wonderful teacher.
43
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,645
Class K forever, yeah?
44
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,104
It's SO Cute.
45
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:54,522
If you do a cock and balls,
I'll never buy you cigarettes ever again.
46
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,066
Have you got any idea
how much this is gonna hurt?
47
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:02,830
Pain is temporary, Joe. Being an
absolute badass lasts forever. Ink me.
48
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,498
(yells)
49
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,091
- Are you sure you're good to carry on?
- (groans) Yeah.
50
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,013
I've got it.
51
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:27,016
Why don't we give Alfie the chance
to defend himself?
52
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,397
We could pay him
a visit right now.
53
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,476
What a terrific idea.
54
00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:37,322
So, we were looking at the First War
of Scottish Independence.
55
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,858
- (groan)
- And you know what that means.
56
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,243
(shouts) it's Class Wars!
57
00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:51,207
So, it is the siege of Stirling Castle!
58
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:54,043
- 20th of July, 1304.
- Nice, mate.
59
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:57,084
And what tactic did the English use
to defeat the Scots?
60
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,298
Military blockade.
They cut off their enemy's supply lines.
61
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:04,183
Correct. So, during break,
I went through your bags blockading you.
62
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:07,220
- I cut off your water, your food
- My Pepperami!
63
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,854
- And your communication.
- Sneaky bitch!
64
00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:14,063
Giving you no option but to lay down
your weapons and surrender.
65
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,657
Where's Gagarin?
66
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,245
Freedom!
67
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,172
Mum!
68
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,425
This is a place of learning, Mr Wickers.
69
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:47,263
- Not Takeshi's Castle.
- Oh, great reference.
70
00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:50,725
- But, Mum, we are learning.
- Joseph, stop defending him.
71
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,889
He's the biggest child in the school.
72
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:57,189
Oh, for God's sake,
how do you switch this thing off?
73
00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,773
- Um, Susan
- Don't 'Susan' me! Thank you.
74
00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:03,863
There's got to be a switch somewhere.
Ah, here we are.
75
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,648
Just like that hamster,
you're up to your neck in it.
76
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:39,857
So, I'm sorry, Alfredo, the parents just
won't pay for the Vegas trip.
77
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:43,615
We'll do a fundraiser. Or wait,
doesn't the school have a travel bursary?
78
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,367
Had a travel bursary.
79
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:50,156
A few years back, I invested
that particular nest egg in art.
80
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,540
Well, great.
Art famously goes up in value.
81
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,418
- They're literally worthless.
- Fine. Then I'll pay.
82
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:07,465
Seriously, take it out of my salary.
My kids deserve that trip.
83
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:11,351
You're gonna pay for your class to fly an
11,000 mile roundtrip
84
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:14,388
to spend a week in Las Vegas?
85
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:18,979
Who wants to go to Cornwall?
86
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,733
- What the hell is Cornwall?
- it's a county, Chantelle.
87
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,274
- But it's abroad, right?
- No. A county in England.
88
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,783
Rolling hills, smugglers' coves
89
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:33,324
I ain't travelling 6 hours to stand
in a field watching some bait farmer
90
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,208
wank off sheeps into a bucket.
91
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,460
An agricultural practice I'm unaware of.
92
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,668
We have to go on a post-exam trip.
It's a rite of passage.
93
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,208
Did you go on one, sir, after your GCSEs?
94
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,126
Yeah. Shagaluf with the lads.
95
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,513
I'm sworn to secrecy but I'm sure
you can guess what we got up to.
96
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:51,766
You sat in a villa with the Bullingdon
Club Iugeing port off each other's dicks.
97
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,391
Cornwall is gonna be insane.
And get this
98
00:09:56,554 --> 00:10:00,400
my best friend from school, Atticus Hoye,
is throwing a house party down there.
99
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,983
I'm talking pop up tiki bar,
fairground rides
100
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,897
a frickin' Nando's van.
101
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:06,986
Yes!
102
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,446
Atticus? Man, you're posh.
103
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,533
How is that posh?
He's just my old fencing buddy.
104
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,993
- Did you cross swords with him, sir?
- Hell, yeah.
105
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:19,078
I buried my tip into him more times
than I I see what you've done there.
106
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,292
(laugh)
107
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,920
I hope you all have a great time.
Wish I could come.
108
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,095
Don't be silly, you are coming.
it's not Class K without the big man.
109
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,882
Mum will never let me go to Cornwall,
or on a house party.
110
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:34,050
She's not gonna know, thanks to this.
111
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:38,188
A fake itinerary I have devised full of
lame school trippy shit.
112
00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:46,863
The Eden Project, some castles,
a nunnery.
113
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,523
It's gonna be fine.
114
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:52,911
Well, I've printed out parent contact
details, a list of local hospitals
115
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:56,573
and some articles on the complex
political developments in the region.
116
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:58,241
It's Cornwall, not Syria.
117
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:02,288
And if you're worried about your drink
getting spiked, use one of these.
118
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:06,003
Very clever. I see.
Pop it up the chuff er, do you?
119
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:09,507
Board up the tradesman's entrance.
Keep out any randy Corns.
120
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,719
- It goes on top of a bottle.
- That makes more sense.
121
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:16,677
If this trip goes wrong,
I won't be there to protect you.
122
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,596
Rosie, believe it or not, I am a grown man
123
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,686
and I am perfectly capable
of looking after myself.
124
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,772
- Lunchbox.
- You put in Dunkers.
125
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,481
Yep.
126
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,104
Bye.
127
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,617
Konichiwa.
128
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,711
Now do be careful, compadre.
And remember, this is not a stag do.
129
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,123
Oi, willy wanker. One for the road?
130
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,628
Look, sir.
131
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:50,547
Oh, dear.
132
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,180
Oh, shit.
133
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,138
Right, guys, remember,
what happens on tour, stays on tour.
134
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,348
Don't touch me. Let's go.
135
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:04,270
- Lads, lads
- Eeuw, it smells of wee.
136
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,863
Susan, why do you got luggage?
This isn't the UKIP battle bus.
137
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:13,024
Joe is only going if I come too.
138
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,444
Right. Is this some kind of sick joke?
Fraser?
139
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,075
Fraser?
140
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,663
No. No way. This is not happening.
141
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,704
She is not coming with us. This is
a school trip, not a bloody Saga tour.
142
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:29,090
The gloves are off. Glasses, on.
143
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:33,796
- What the hell are those?
- It's wearable tech.
144
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,258
I will use this device to record
your every move.
145
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,518
If you put one foot out of line
146
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:45,231
I will terminate this trip
with extreme prejudice!
147
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,726
Bullshit!
148
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:51,612
Stupid woman. Stupid bloody glasses.
149
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:58,320
Go Glasses, show me
traftic updates for the A303.
150
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:02,161
What are those glasses? Looks like
she'll give a TED talk on the menopause.
151
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:06,954
First stop on Mr Wickers'
fabulous itinerary. The Eden Project.
152
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,713
(all moan) What?!
153
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:16,846
(tour guide) Over on my left,
we have the world's largest spade.
154
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,757
Wow!
155
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:29,017
(Chantelle) I can't believe we've driven
6 hours to see a garden centre.
156
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:33,734
- (Jing) I think I've been bitten.
- (Rem Dogg) Oi, mate, where's the skunk?
157
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,651
- (groans)
- (laughs)
158
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,412
Dick!
No! Get off!
159
00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,494
Watch it.
160
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:52,382
Hey! lwouldn't eat that.
Purging buckthorn, nature's laxative.
161
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,508
You'll have a storm blast
so hard out your bum
162
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,092
they'll be finding bodies up in the
trees for weeks.
163
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,519
(mouths) Thank you God.
164
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:08,272
This trip was meant to be
about creating memories.
165
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:12,231
No-one's gonna look back: "Ooh, do you
remember the time we saw a big spade?".
166
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,360
(all) Please!
167
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,619
- Please, Susan, for the love of God.
- Fine!
168
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:28,205
- Yes!
- But it will only end in tears.
169
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,712
God, woman. It's just a zipwire.
170
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:35,545
Come on, sir.
171
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,837
Oh God, this is high.
172
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,138
You'll be okay.
Just remember not to scream.
173
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:48,646
We had a guy once who choked
on his own tongue. Ready?
174
00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,933
Oh God, I've changed my mind.
175
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,897
Get on with it, you tart!
176
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,739
(yells) Mitchell!
177
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:19,006
Sorry!
178
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:30,889
Help, Susan.
Susan. Help.
179
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,684
Go Glasses, take photo.
180
00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:39,573
Send to group email marked 'the PTA'.
Subject heading: strike one.
181
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,693
My willy's gone inside me.
182
00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:53,628
We have got to ditch the bitch.
183
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,836
Shitty shitty bang bang.
184
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:05,845
Mrs Poulter,
are those glasses voice activated?
185
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:07,259
Yes, Mitchell.
186
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,516
- Go Glasses
- Not when I'm driving.
187
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,430
Search 'two girls, one cup'.
188
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,144
(Susan) Oh!
189
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,228
You revolting little boy, sit back down!
190
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,200
Penleven Castle was built by Henry VI.
191
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:27,612
And in the Cornish rebellion of 1497
192
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:32,249
the castle withstood a siege
for over 5 months.
193
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:35,416
- Mate, look, a witch.
- It's a nun, you tit.
194
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,884
Arnie, Dieter, Gunter, Helga,
Helma, Ulla und Rem Hund.
195
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,186
(in German) Any questions, my children?
196
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:56,475
(in German) Who build that castle?
197
00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:58,735
Does anyone have any questions?
198
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,651
Well, come on. Anything?!
199
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:06,776
- Oh, dear. - Where's the G-spot? - Would
you rather have no arms or no legs?
200
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:09,662
- What's a haggis? - Who would win in
a fight, Gandalf or Dwayne Johnson?
201
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,367
Obviously Gandalf. He's magic.
202
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,498
Stop!
203
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:14,751
If a chicken had sex with a pig,
could it lay a Scotch egg?
204
00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,752
- Do you get a boner when you drown?
- Correct.
205
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,504
Susie, have you ever heard of conditioner?
206
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,711
I meant questions about the castle!
207
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:26,091
There seems to be a priest hole that
smugglers turned into a secret passageway.
208
00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:29,383
Can we see it as it sounds
mildly less shit than this church?
209
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,176
There's no smugglers' passageway.
210
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:35,472
There is. I read about it on the internet.
It goes down to the beach.
211
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,891
Sir wants to see your back passage.
212
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,730
Shut up, you little toad!
213
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,361
(Susan whispers)
This is Cornwall's most sacred relic
214
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:50,495
brought back from the Crusades
and believed to possess
215
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,202
miraculous healing powers.
216
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:57,749
Behold, the prepuce of
Saint John the Baptist.
217
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,589
- What's a prepuce?
- A foreskin.
218
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,749
(all) Eugh!
219
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,629
Eugh, they're praying
to a bit of old willy?
220
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:11,925
A 2,000 year Old holy relic which
sheathed the Baptist's phallus.
221
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,221
(Susan's stomach gurgles loudly)
222
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,517
Excuse me. Could you please
take me to the nearest WC?
223
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:25,484
- I'm required to remain in this room.
- Take me to a toilet!
224
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:29,366
- Well, we might hit up the cafe.
- No, you stay here.
225
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,654
This whole trip can't be dictated
by your bowel movements.
226
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,495
If you just sit here quietly
for 5 minutes, I will
227
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:39,707
- I'll let you have some free time.
- Deal!
228
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,959
(Susan) Quickly, move out of the way!
229
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,045
Did you hear that, guys?
Free time means pub crawl.
230
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,838
All you've got to do
is behave for 5 minutes.
231
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,933
- Mitchell!
- I just wanted to make a wish.
232
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,185
It's not a fucking genie!
233
00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,686
Oh my God.
The foreskin, where is it?
234
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:02,896
Shit. Help, help.
235
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:04,939
Oh my God.
236
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,230
What's going on? I heard a crash.
237
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,615
Oh, dear.
238
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,451
- (Susan) Where?
- Through here.
239
00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:19,163
Come on, boy. Come on, give it!
240
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,544
What are you doing to my dog?
241
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,381
(Susan) Much better.
242
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,345
- (Chantelle) Quickly! Hurry!
- (Jing) She's coming back!
243
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,511
(guard) Everybody freeze!
244
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:43,559
Where is the prepuce? Hands where
I can see them! Need to search you all.
245
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:48,062
What's that in your hand, Mr Wickers?
Show me your hands!
246
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,986
Both of them!
247
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,864
(mouths) Fuck.
248
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,457
Turn round now!
249
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:10,547
Would you care to explain
what the hell is going on?
250
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:14,385
Well, come on. Speak!
251
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:19,139
(swallows)
252
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,310
Hey, l got it.
253
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,317
(rem Dogg) See? Foreskin, innit.
254
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,575
Well, boy, what were you doing with it?
255
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:40,077
Little man wanted a miracle.
So he gave it a rub and now he can walk.
256
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,715
(loud chatter)
257
00:20:56,881 --> 00:21:00,931
(Rem Dogg) When we getting lunch? Or are
you full after that ancient dick you ate?
258
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,937
- (Chantelle) Where the hell are we?
- (Susan) The fishing town of Port Jago.
259
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:08,567
Drink in that crisp sea air.
260
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:11,695
- Smells of minge.
- Like you'd know.
261
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:16,530
- Is he related to Atticus?
- His dad. The local MP. Bit Marmite.
262
00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:19,866
- Do you think they've got a McDonald's?
- No, Joe, I don't.
263
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:23,954
I think we're in a creepy little town
in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.
264
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,369
That's a genuine sign.
265
00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:30,749
Young lady, Cornwall is not
some mediaeval backwater.
266
00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:33,668
It is a modern, cosmopolitan county
267
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:37,589
with both feet planted firmly
in the 21 st century.
268
00:21:37,755 --> 00:21:39,007
Um, guys
269
00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,100
What the fuck?
270
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:54,067
(Susan) This is the Port Jago Summer
Solstice parade. There's the hobby horse.
271
00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:56,824
Come do the bridal dance
with the horse, young virgin.
272
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,986
- Virgin? You're barking up
the wrong tree there. - Shut up.
273
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:04,157
Shall we get going before the pantomime
horse knocks up one of the kids?
274
00:22:08,619 --> 00:22:11,623
Got nowt under Wickers, my lovely.
275
00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:17,671
I do have 8 rooms for the
Dusseldorf Academy der Kunste?
276
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:20,465
Yeah, that's us. Guten Tag.
277
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,342
Can we go on a helicopter tour?
278
00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:27,355
No need. I've arranged a
very special treat for us tonight.
279
00:22:28,097 --> 00:22:31,101
We are on a VIP guest list
280
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,814
(cheers)
281
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:38,358
to visit the leader of the Cornish
rebellion, Michael An Gof's grave.
282
00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:44,413
That's a treat?
We're going to a graveyard?
283
00:22:44,822 --> 00:22:46,745
Right, what happened to our free time?
284
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:50,662
You didn't seriously think I would
let you run amok in this town?
285
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:53,047
Fine! You know what, you win.
286
00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:57,006
I admit, this trip is a write-off.
But I'm warning you, Susan,
287
00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:59,545
when they leave school,
I'm gonna take them on a holiday
288
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:05,014
so batshit mental - if it was a movie,
everyone would be played by Nicolas Cage.
289
00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:06,973
When they leave school?
290
00:23:07,136 --> 00:23:10,060
Yes. When they leave school.
291
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,358
They haven't told you.
292
00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:19,531
Guys, what's going on?
293
00:23:20,566 --> 00:23:23,536
We're leaving, sir.
Well, we've left.
294
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:26,656
But where?
295
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:30,668
- Beauty school. - Brit school.
- Anywhere that ain't school.
296
00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:33,499
Joe?
297
00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:39,131
(Susan) He is going to
a sixth form college.
298
00:23:39,293 --> 00:23:42,672
One as far away from you
as is humanly possible.
299
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,429
Chop-chop. Bus leaves in 5 minutes.
300
00:23:47,885 --> 00:23:50,229
(whistles)
301
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,993
- Why didn't you tell me?
- We didn't wanna ruin your trip.
302
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:08,031
It's not my trip. it's our trip.
303
00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:11,663
You're right. And if this is
our last weekend together,
304
00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:14,920
do you wanna spend it sat here
sulking in this vile room?
305
00:24:15,079 --> 00:24:16,456
Don't let her win, sir.
306
00:24:18,749 --> 00:24:21,127
Yeah, you're right.
307
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:25,969
I took a 2,000 year old bit of dick
so that we could go to the pub
308
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:27,758
and go to the pub we shall!
309
00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:29,472
(all) Yes!
310
00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:31,512
How? She's got the exit covered.
311
00:24:37,935 --> 00:24:40,529
Who remembers studying
the siege of Troy?
312
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,782
- Who's Troy?
- I dunno, but he sounds tit.
313
00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:19,943
(man) The rich get richer.
The cuts get deeper.
314
00:25:20,102 --> 00:25:23,572
Hospitals are closing yet
Michael Hoye, our MP,
315
00:25:23,731 --> 00:25:26,109
has enough loose change to buy this pub
tear it down
316
00:25:26,275 --> 00:25:29,529
and build a gastroabomination
for his toff chums.
317
00:25:29,695 --> 00:25:32,539
We been through the courts,
signed the petitions.
318
00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:36,252
Let's face it, Russell Brand
ain't coming to save us.
319
00:25:36,410 --> 00:25:38,504
The Cornish Liberation Army's
dead in the water.
320
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:41,131
We're the CLA. We don't give up.
321
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:43,839
- Save it, Pasco. it's hopeless.
- Damn it, man.
322
00:25:44,001 --> 00:25:46,595
Cornwall needs independence.
Listen to reason.
323
00:25:46,754 --> 00:25:50,349
Call that plan of yours reason?
It's a suicide mission.
324
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:54,307
You'd need the stupidest, most gullible
half-wit on God's green earth to
325
00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:56,222
(Alfie) Party time!
326
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:09,159
- Your shirt's inside out.
- Thanks.
327
00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:13,368
Now, remember, we're just
your average group of local farmers.
328
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:17,080
- 8 Smirnoff Ices, babe.
- He means lager.
329
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:22,794
We ain't London poofs.
We don't drink lager.
330
00:26:23,332 --> 00:26:25,551
Then I guess it's Pimm's O'CIock.
331
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,550
You chaps lost?
332
00:26:33,050 --> 00:26:34,097
NO.
333
00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:36,853
Oh, I think you are.
334
00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,725
Well I'll be damned.
335
00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:44,441
CLA man, are you?
336
00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:49,404
(mumbles) Yes, I am.
337
00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:51,569
Yes, I bloody am.
338
00:26:51,735 --> 00:26:53,829
CLA till I die. We all are.
339
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:57,742
Well then, a round of ales
for our brothers in arms!
340
00:27:03,831 --> 00:27:06,755
Has anyone seen Keith's moustache?
341
00:27:07,668 --> 00:27:09,511
(Alfie) it's run away.
342
00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:12,719
- Does Port Jago have a gay scene?
- Well, there's gay Colin.
343
00:27:14,550 --> 00:27:17,895
- Your gay scene's one gay man?
- Colin's not actually a queer.
344
00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:20,306
He asked for a spritzer in 1984.
345
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:26,858
Oh my God, this dicks all over Shagaluf.
346
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:31,533
Mum's gonna find us here.
Can't we go to Atticus Hoye's house?
347
00:27:31,984 --> 00:27:35,033
It's not a hotel, Joe.
Can't just turn up when we want.
348
00:27:35,195 --> 00:27:37,038
The party's tomorrow.
349
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,658
Mind if I take a pew?
350
00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:44,964
Barkeep, a pint of Betty Stogs
for my lover.
351
00:27:45,122 --> 00:27:46,715
Coming right up.
352
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:55,470
Whoa, two steps back,
little Miss Marple. So
353
00:27:55,632 --> 00:28:00,058
these missing children are
on a school trip
354
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:04,521
and they've disappeared
with their teacher. Is that it?
355
00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:11,195
Listen, pen-pusher.
If you do not assist me
356
00:28:11,607 --> 00:28:17,159
I will hold you down whilst a negligence
tribunal straps on the rule book,
357
00:28:17,321 --> 00:28:20,916
strips you naked, parts your buttocks
358
00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:25,204
and buggers you into
a dishonourable discharge.
359
00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:34,380
Just hold here
can you hold your thing for a bit, please?
360
00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:37,140
- So you're an actual smuggler?
- Yes.
361
00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:41,520
Been Trevelyans smuggling since
the glory days of Prussia Cove
362
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:45,395
and it ain't just cigars.
Booze, dirty playing cards
363
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:48,068
marital aids of all shapes and tastes.
364
00:28:48,227 --> 00:28:53,859
I got a deal with a sex shop in Bodmin.
Filthy bastards in Bodmin.
365
00:28:54,024 --> 00:28:57,278
Sir, scary Cornish dude. Tits and teeth.
366
00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:00,121
Police! Hide!
367
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:08,588
- This door is just painted on the wall.
- Don't get many girls in here.
368
00:29:25,138 --> 00:29:26,685
Mr Trevelyan.
369
00:29:28,141 --> 00:29:29,688
How's tricks?
370
00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:33,651
Keeping busy, officer.
Devil makes work for idle hands.
371
00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:36,779
I'm looking for 7 children.
372
00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:38,989
This look like a nursery?
373
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:51,999
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
it's an out-of-towner, is it?
374
00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:57,463
Oh, this lad's got Cornish blood
running through every vein.
375
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:00,841
Meet my bastard son.
376
00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:04,094
Conceived in a moment of passion
in a faraway port.
377
00:30:06,138 --> 00:30:10,109
I'm just having a few ales here
with me old pa.
378
00:30:11,268 --> 00:30:12,815
That port being
379
00:30:14,438 --> 00:30:16,816
Kingston, Jamaica.
380
00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:27,498
Me gotta love the durty wine.
But me also love a little bit of fudge.
381
00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:32,297
The pasty and the rice and ting.
382
00:30:38,253 --> 00:30:39,971
Well, they're not in the pub.
383
00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:44,301
If you want something done right
384
00:30:47,804 --> 00:30:49,681
Fmy, 2 o'clock.
385
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:53,894
The bar.
386
00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:58,983
He so checked me out.
387
00:30:59,149 --> 00:31:01,652
Is that Phoebe Kendall?
388
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,951
Oh my God, I sat next to her in class.
389
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:07,411
- Shotgun.
- No-one is shotgunning her.
390
00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:09,918
- She's not a passenger seat.
- Use it or lose it.
391
00:31:10,077 --> 00:31:13,672
I'm not gonna use it.
I'm going to go over and say hello to it.
392
00:31:13,830 --> 00:31:15,298
HST.
393
00:31:21,505 --> 00:31:23,599
(Stephen) Work it, sailor.
394
00:31:23,757 --> 00:31:25,304
(Susan) Gotcha!
395
00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:34,352
Phoebe Kendall.
396
00:31:34,518 --> 00:31:36,941
Of all the gin joints in all the world
397
00:31:56,039 --> 00:31:57,632
I'll get you another.
398
00:31:57,791 --> 00:32:00,385
- Do I know you?
- Alfie Wickers.
399
00:32:00,961 --> 00:32:02,508
The WiCkS'(er.
400
00:32:03,797 --> 00:32:05,470
I had a panic attack at Prize Day.
401
00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:08,351
You're the guy that chundered on
Sir Steve Redgrave.
402
00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:11,514
Collecting the fencing cup.
I like to finish that story on a high.
403
00:32:12,681 --> 00:32:15,104
Yo, what's the deal with this guy?
404
00:32:16,101 --> 00:32:17,694
That would be Mick Gwynn.
405
00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:22,074
Says he'll buy a round for the man
who moves the blade quicker than he.
406
00:32:22,232 --> 00:32:24,405
Ain't got his wallet out for 30 year.
407
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,282
Oh, yeah?
408
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:31,249
- No, Alfie.
- Go on, sir.
409
00:32:32,159 --> 00:32:34,708
Yeah, go on, Albert.
410
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:45,093
Please, for once, listen to me.
This is a terrible error of judgment.
411
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:48,471
Joe, it's an old confidence trick.
412
00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:52,395
The blade's plastic.
413
00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:58,564
This shit about to get cray.
414
00:32:59,186 --> 00:33:02,690
This shit about to get fifty
shades of cray.
415
00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:09,663
Yo, gay Colin, hustler
needs your bandana.
416
00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:12,790
It's blindfolding time.
417
00:33:57,452 --> 00:34:00,422
My hand, my hand!
418
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:03,504
Don't worry, buddy,
it's just a little flesh wound.
419
00:34:06,211 --> 00:34:08,509
We need alcohol to sterilise it.
420
00:34:10,507 --> 00:34:11,724
Not Guinness!
421
00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:37,333
Susan!
422
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,629
Go upstairs and pack.
We leave at 7 a.m. sharp.
423
00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:46,885
- Hand in your telephones.
- You witch!
424
00:34:47,043 --> 00:34:48,215
Zip it, Dorothy!
425
00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:52,223
(Stephen) What am I gonna do
without my phone?
426
00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:54,510
Don't go on my Snapchat.
427
00:34:56,678 --> 00:34:58,851
There's no reception anyway.
428
00:34:59,014 --> 00:35:03,520
Indeed, Mr Wickers.
For you, a stay of execution.
429
00:35:03,685 --> 00:35:06,814
You know, instead of filming it, you could
have stopped your son getting stabbed.
430
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:08,819
By me.
431
00:35:08,982 --> 00:35:10,609
But I didn't Want TO.
432
00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:14,739
After tonight, you will never teach again.
433
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:17,532
Why are you so desperate
to get me fired?
434
00:35:17,699 --> 00:35:20,703
Come, Mr Wickers, dream a little bigger.
435
00:35:20,869 --> 00:35:22,871
You're not a Bond villain.
436
00:35:23,038 --> 00:35:27,088
No, the real challenge was this,
how to destroy a friendship.
437
00:35:28,043 --> 00:35:29,920
How can you do this to Joe?
438
00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:35,392
Because it is my job to protect him,
whether he likes it or not.
439
00:35:36,259 --> 00:35:40,480
I'm not some emotional retard who's
so desperate to be liked
440
00:35:40,639 --> 00:35:44,940
that he manipulates children into
a pathetic imitation of friendship!
441
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:48,571
Presumably because he has
no real friends of his own!
442
00:35:51,650 --> 00:35:55,996
I think it might be best if you go home
separately tomorrow, Mr Wickers.
443
00:35:57,781 --> 00:36:01,411
We don't want to prolong
the tearful goodbyes.
444
00:36:30,605 --> 00:36:33,074
Steady, lad. Careful with her now.
445
00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:02,846
Hey, buddy. Do you want some vodka?
446
00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,356
Really sorry for stabbing you.
447
00:37:11,438 --> 00:37:14,317
It's fine. I'll have a cool scar.
448
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:16,155
I think I just freaked out a bit.
449
00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:18,616
You guys leaving and
450
00:37:18,778 --> 00:37:21,372
Look, I'm not detinitely leaving.
451
00:37:21,531 --> 00:37:26,253
The sixth form college say I need Cs
in English, Maths and History, so
452
00:37:26,411 --> 00:37:29,039
Well you might fail History. I taught you.
453
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:35,345
I guess we've just gotta hope and pray
that you fuck that exam.
454
00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:37,763
Yeah, touch wood.
455
00:37:39,424 --> 00:37:43,429
Sorry my mum ruined the trip. Everyone
was so excited about the house party.
456
00:37:45,764 --> 00:37:47,641
About your mum.
457
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:52,771
What would you say to her being slipped
some crushed-up sleeping pills
458
00:37:52,937 --> 00:37:56,032
popped in a trunk, given to some smugglers
and dumped in France?
459
00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:58,819
No! Absolutely nor.
460
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,704
You do realise she is my actual mother?
461
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:05,993
Joe, Joe, Joe
462
00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:09,629
Do you really think
I would have told you all of this
463
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:12,382
if the wheels weren't already in motion?
464
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:21,053
( Joe) Ame, are you insane?
465
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:28,398
She'll be fine. Pasco is gonna be
extra careful with her. He promised me.
466
00:38:28,556 --> 00:38:30,854
What? The guy you just met
promised you?
467
00:38:31,017 --> 00:38:34,692
She's ilming everything on her glasses.
She'll destroy you.
468
00:38:36,356 --> 00:38:38,074
Now, let's get our story straight.
469
00:38:38,233 --> 00:38:41,658
I reckon the Suster lands up in France
after an all-night Shagathon
470
00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:45,120
with a really, really desperate fisherman.
Capiche?
471
00:38:45,281 --> 00:38:46,658
Unbelievable.
472
00:38:46,825 --> 00:38:49,328
Ding dong the witch is dead.
What we gonna do now?
473
00:38:51,204 --> 00:38:52,877
Who's up for a strip club?
474
00:39:12,392 --> 00:39:14,941
(waitress) There you go, my lovelies.
475
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:22,202
So, this Hoye shindig.
Reckon you can get me past security?
476
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,455
Might be tricky. Already taking a plus 7.
477
00:39:25,780 --> 00:39:29,080
Only your pal Atticus has put in
a little order with me.
478
00:39:29,492 --> 00:39:31,665
Party supplies, if you know what I mean.
479
00:39:32,370 --> 00:39:33,917
Classic Atticus.
480
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,084
Problem is, I'm a watched man
in these parts.
481
00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:40,090
I can't make a delivery
with that heat on me.
482
00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:43,098
Well, I Could deliver it.
483
00:39:43,256 --> 00:39:45,133
What, you'd do that for me?
484
00:39:46,759 --> 00:39:48,306
You did me a favour.
485
00:39:48,845 --> 00:39:51,689
I feel so lucky to have a pal like you.
486
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:59,940
(Announcer)
Please welcome Port Jago's #nest dancer.
487
00:40:00,690 --> 00:40:02,943
Brace yourself for Peggy Sue.
488
00:40:18,124 --> 00:40:20,422
Right, I can't watch this any more.
489
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:24,047
- I'm sick of seeing this.
- Put them away.
490
00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:29,269
So, it turns out the
CLA is a Cornish cartel
491
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:31,145
and Pasco is a drug baron.
492
00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:33,773
- We're leaving.
- He has asked very sweetly
493
00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:38,187
if I/we could pop over a
teeny bit of weed to the party tomorrow.
494
00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:43,195
Come on, Jing. He did me a favour. You
know the saying, 'I scratch your back ...'
495
00:40:43,358 --> 00:40:45,577
You turn 7 children into drug mules?
496
00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:51,708
It's not like We're smoking any of it.
We're just delivering it. Like Ocado.
497
00:40:53,326 --> 00:40:59,299
Guys, time for a little life lesson. Who
is the most popular guy at a house party?
498
00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:02,089
- The guy with the bongos?
- No, Joe.
499
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:03,798
He's the least popular person.
500
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:06,423
The guy with the supply.
501
00:41:06,589 --> 00:41:09,183
(electronic dance music)
502
00:41:18,059 --> 00:41:20,858
- Not with the arse.
- Oh my God!
503
00:41:21,980 --> 00:41:23,653
(cheers)
504
00:41:38,121 --> 00:41:39,668
My coccyx!
505
00:41:52,677 --> 00:41:55,021
(all) Joe, Joe, Joe
506
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,117
(Susan) Wickers!
507
00:42:16,284 --> 00:42:18,378
(school bell rings)
508
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,379
We've got a situation, people.
509
00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:24,168
I have told the PE teacher
a million times. Touch rugby, tine.
510
00:42:24,333 --> 00:42:26,176
Touch swimming, letters.
511
00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:30,056
We've lost contact with the Cornwall trip
and the PTA want answers, fast.
512
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:33,013
Alfie has enraged the
deadliest enemy of them all.
513
00:42:33,509 --> 00:42:35,932
- Women of a certain age.
- Correct.
514
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,723
Mumsnet have put down their massive
glasses of wine
515
00:42:38,890 --> 00:42:40,437
and picked up their pitchforks.
516
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:42,398
Then we need to find him before they do.
517
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:46,531
We've got 24 hours until those children
are legally classified as missing.
518
00:42:46,689 --> 00:42:50,944
Martino, soup up your thermos
and grab your Best of Shakin' Stevens.
519
00:42:51,402 --> 00:42:53,404
It's road trippin' time.
520
00:42:56,324 --> 00:43:00,329
(Martin) Ah, Woody Bay beach.
I used to catch crabs there every summer.
521
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,339
I wonder if A/ice Hubble
still works there?
522
00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:08,469
Look, this isn't a jolly.
AIfle's future is in our hands.
523
00:43:10,588 --> 00:43:14,013
Can you stop playing Christmas music?
it's fucking June.
524
00:43:16,344 --> 00:43:19,939
(Martin) Wrong time of the month
for Christmas music.
525
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:35,576
Guys, wake up.
526
00:43:38,783 --> 00:43:42,913
Sorry I had to scarper,
time and tide wait for no man.
527
00:43:43,246 --> 00:43:44,919
Now listen very carefully.
528
00:43:45,081 --> 00:43:49,211
Outside you'll find a van
with a package inside for tonight's party.
529
00:43:49,377 --> 00:43:52,381
When you want me to pick you up,
call this number.
530
00:43:52,755 --> 00:43:55,133
Your mate, Pasco.
531
00:43:58,803 --> 00:44:02,023
(Martin) I spy with my little eye
532
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,860
something beginning with S.
533
00:44:06,018 --> 00:44:07,565
Rhymes with
534
00:44:09,147 --> 00:44:10,774
brie.
535
00:44:11,524 --> 00:44:13,492
- Sea?
- Correct.
536
00:44:13,651 --> 00:44:15,619
- Do another one.
- I spy
537
00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:19,282
with my little eye
something beginning with
538
00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:27,170
S again.
Rhymes with breering wheel.
539
00:44:28,124 --> 00:44:29,671
- Steering wheel?
- Correct.
540
00:44:29,834 --> 00:44:34,431
Please, put the music on!
Put the fucking music back on!
541
00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:59,864
Angleterre? Merci, merci.
542
00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:39,992
Hi. Excuse me, those policemen
543
00:45:40,154 --> 00:45:42,623
Looking for a teacher
what put a woman in a box.
544
00:45:42,782 --> 00:45:45,877
Police say he's been mixing
with undesirables.
545
00:45:47,119 --> 00:45:48,792
Look, a helicopter tour.
546
00:45:49,956 --> 00:45:51,754
And who are these undesirables?
547
00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:56,466
- Pasco.
- Will you keep your mouth shut, Tom?!
548
00:45:57,546 --> 00:46:01,301
- Where can I find this Pasco?
- Wherever the wind takes him.
549
00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:04,228
Anything I could put into Google Maps?
550
00:46:04,387 --> 00:46:07,391
Wherever he lays his hat is his home.
551
00:46:09,350 --> 00:46:11,102
Strip club.
552
00:46:12,103 --> 00:46:14,606
Yo Ho Ho's or Teaser's Palace?
553
00:46:23,364 --> 00:46:25,207
(rings several times)
554
00:46:28,202 --> 00:46:30,079
Susan, what are you doing?
555
00:46:30,246 --> 00:46:31,873
Raising an army.
556
00:46:47,722 --> 00:46:50,441
(Chantelle) it's like a castle.
557
00:46:50,599 --> 00:46:52,727
(Mitchell) I thought you said
your mate lived on an estate.
558
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:00,617
(music)
559
00:48:02,838 --> 00:48:07,218
Well, Dick Shittington,
if it isn't Alfie Wickers.
560
00:48:08,427 --> 00:48:10,179
Great to see you, mate.
561
00:48:11,472 --> 00:48:14,601
Guys, meet your host, Mr Atticus Hoye.
562
00:48:14,975 --> 00:48:17,023
Mi C388 tu C3Sa.
563
00:48:17,186 --> 00:48:19,735
Sorry, bruv, we don't speak Hogwarts.
564
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:24,531
- So where are your folks?
- Daddy doesn't really do Cornwall.
565
00:48:24,693 --> 00:48:29,540
Doesn't like getting the Aston dirty.
How about you, bro? Still fencing?
566
00:48:30,408 --> 00:48:32,536
God, I miss going tip-to-tip with you.
567
00:48:36,539 --> 00:48:38,541
Ooh, here comes trouble.
Here's the lads.
568
00:48:38,707 --> 00:48:42,587
Ludo, The Shep, Digby,
Orlando, Tarquin and Dave.
569
00:48:42,753 --> 00:48:44,050
Short for Earl of Daventry.
570
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:46,848
Toby-Jug is absolutely mullered.
571
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,728
He just took Binky down to the ha-ha
and spooged on her pashmina.
572
00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:53,184
Do these guys come with subtitles?
573
00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:56,442
- Classic pube or dare.
- What's pube or dare?
574
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:58,523
Either you do a dare or one
of the lads holds you down
575
00:48:58,686 --> 00:49:00,609
and rips out a handful of your pubes.
576
00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,865
It's a very famous parlour game.
577
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:05,071
Live by the pube, die by the pube.
578
00:49:05,234 --> 00:49:07,612
You must have told them about Shagaluf?
579
00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:10,531
Literally the funniest pube or dare ever.
580
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:12,120
Shall we get a drink?
581
00:49:12,283 --> 00:49:16,584
So basically me and the boys booked
Shagaluf. And then this knobber
582
00:49:17,580 --> 00:49:22,131
Wait, sorry, man, I'm totally raping your
vibe. This is your story, you tell it.
583
00:49:22,293 --> 00:49:24,011
- Do I
- Tell it, Dickers.
584
00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:30,218
Well, the guys thought
it would be really funny
585
00:49:30,384 --> 00:49:33,854
to tell me that our leavers' trip
was to Sierra Leone.
586
00:49:34,013 --> 00:49:36,015
So my dad booked me a flight there.
587
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:38,267
Boys went to Spain.
588
00:49:38,434 --> 00:49:40,653
I had a lovely week in Bumbuna.
589
00:49:42,271 --> 00:49:43,989
He got ebola.
590
00:49:44,148 --> 00:49:46,116
- Nearly died.
- Jokes.
591
00:49:46,275 --> 00:49:49,905
- How is that a dare?
- They dared me not to tell my parents.
592
00:49:52,615 --> 00:49:55,414
Could I have a quick word?
Sorry, it's just
593
00:49:57,244 --> 00:50:00,544
Just to say, your delivery is out front.
594
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:03,042
Pasco sends his regards.
595
00:50:04,084 --> 00:50:05,631
Right.
596
00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:09,510
(Alfie) Oh dear.
597
00:50:10,049 --> 00:50:11,596
Pube or dare?
598
00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:16,139
Pube or dare? Pube or dare?
Pube or dare?
599
00:50:37,284 --> 00:50:42,165
Sorry to cock block the hoonage
but Mr Alfred Wickers
600
00:50:42,915 --> 00:50:45,418
is about to make pube or dare history.
601
00:51:04,812 --> 00:51:08,282
- What are you making him do exactly?
- Teabag a swan.
602
00:51:09,650 --> 00:51:11,744
Wen, this got weird quickly.
603
00:51:41,307 --> 00:51:43,981
(slowly) This is the stuff of legend.
604
00:51:51,984 --> 00:51:53,611
(shouts) Smile!
605
00:52:13,547 --> 00:52:15,094
Sir, stay still!
606
00:52:16,884 --> 00:52:18,181
Mitchell!
607
00:52:18,344 --> 00:52:22,224
Lord. Sheppy, put him out of his misery.
608
00:52:22,389 --> 00:52:24,517
Sheppy incoming!
609
00:52:28,937 --> 00:52:31,406
Right, hey, gang. Everyone back inside.
610
00:52:31,565 --> 00:52:33,613
Monty's gonna play his bongos.
611
00:52:57,007 --> 00:52:59,601
Are your mates always that mean to you?
612
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:03,310
It's called character-building, Joe.
It's a public school thing.
613
00:53:14,108 --> 00:53:16,486
Hey. That was jokes.
614
00:53:17,486 --> 00:53:19,739
Do you wanna coch with me,
smash a doobie?
615
00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:24,372
Yeah. Wanna smash that doobie so hard
it goes to stay
616
00:53:24,535 --> 00:53:27,630
with its mother until
I agree to get counselling.
617
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,879
- Shall we?
- Yeah.
618
00:53:42,094 --> 00:53:43,846
Babe
619
00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:49,063
So, you and Atticus
620
00:53:49,893 --> 00:53:55,150
Oh, it's chill. I mean, we sleep together
but we're not exclusive.
621
00:53:56,483 --> 00:53:58,201
Yeah, I mean, I totally dig.
622
00:53:58,694 --> 00:54:00,867
I had a similar situation going on.
623
00:54:01,739 --> 00:54:07,291
Not with Atticus, obviously. Although,
sometimes after fencing practice, we
624
00:54:08,579 --> 00:54:11,082
Wait here. I've got you a surprise.
625
00:54:31,685 --> 00:54:33,232
Phoebe?
626
00:54:35,481 --> 00:54:37,028
Phoebe?
627
00:54:42,321 --> 00:54:44,369
(Martin) These poor, poor women.
628
00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:50,671
We would find Alfie so much quicker
if only we had a bird's-eye view.
629
00:54:51,997 --> 00:54:54,045
What was Alfie doing in here?
630
00:54:54,208 --> 00:54:56,836
- Hello, stranger.
- Hello, total stranger.
631
00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:58,970
Must be confusing me
with someone else.
632
00:55:00,255 --> 00:55:03,134
Martin Wickers, as I live and breathe.
633
00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:04,517
Usual, Squire?
634
00:55:05,469 --> 00:55:08,222
Excuse me. Hi. We're looking for a man.
635
00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:12,234
6 foot 1, blue eyes,
thick Jamaican accent?
636
00:55:12,392 --> 00:55:13,939
I think you'd better come with us.
637
00:55:18,482 --> 00:55:19,950
Evening.
638
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,655
See you, mate.
639
00:55:30,202 --> 00:55:33,297
- Did you see his face?
- It's classic Dickers, babe.
640
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,836
Where's sir?
641
00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:40,504
Alfie?
642
00:55:40,671 --> 00:55:43,800
- (Stephen) FML, Chantelle, you're my BFF.
- Stop talking like a text message!
643
00:55:43,966 --> 00:55:46,685
- You stole my man!
- Babe, he is gay!
644
00:55:46,844 --> 00:55:48,221
That's not the point!
645
00:55:48,387 --> 00:55:50,731
(Alfie) Guys, I'm over here.
646
00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:56,812
Got cabbaged.
647
00:55:57,563 --> 00:55:58,655
Brilliant.
648
00:55:58,814 --> 00:56:00,816
Let me guess. Public school thing?
649
00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:02,818
Yeah.
650
00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:07,785
Please tell me you can see
they ain't your mates, bruv.
651
00:56:07,948 --> 00:56:10,576
- What are you on about?
- You're being bullied, sir.
652
00:56:11,660 --> 00:56:13,583
Seriously, pube or dare?
653
00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:15,964
Let me tell you something
about pube or dare.
654
00:56:16,123 --> 00:56:20,003
Yes, every time The Shep yanked out
a fistful of my pubic hair, it hurt.
655
00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:22,136
But at least they wanted
to hang out with me.
656
00:56:22,296 --> 00:56:24,048
It's always about you, isn't it?
657
00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:27,058
Always about me?
You're the seltish ones for abandoning me.
658
00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:31,222
- Some more selfish than others.
- Get over yourself. I am no accessory.
659
00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:34,141
Can we go in? I was about to get
nuts deep in some posh bird.
660
00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:36,185
- Shut up.
- This holiday wasn't about us.
661
00:56:36,351 --> 00:56:39,696
You used us as an excuse to relive a trip
that you didn't even go on.
662
00:56:39,855 --> 00:56:41,903
- Who wants a kebab?
- Stop protecting him!
663
00:56:42,065 --> 00:56:44,409
Don't have a go at Joe
just for being loyal, Jing!
664
00:56:44,568 --> 00:56:48,163
Oh, you helmet. If he's so loyal, how
come he's had a history tutor all year?
665
00:56:52,826 --> 00:56:54,453
What?
666
00:56:56,121 --> 00:56:57,293
Please don't overreact
667
00:56:57,456 --> 00:56:59,754
You've been seeing another man
behind my back?
668
00:57:01,001 --> 00:57:03,095
- Who is he?
- It didn't mean anything.
669
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:04,800
What would you say if I was like
670
00:57:04,963 --> 00:57:08,809
"After school, I pay for another boy
to come round and be my special friend?".
671
00:57:08,967 --> 00:57:11,265
I'd totally buy that.
672
00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:13,430
I am sick of all you traitors!
673
00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:18,352
- Alfie, what are you doing?
- I am calling Pasco.
674
00:57:18,810 --> 00:57:21,529
The only person that I can trust.
675
00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:39,248
Get in!
676
00:57:50,050 --> 00:57:53,805
(radio) The explosion
at Tory MP Michael Hoyels house
677
00:57:53,971 --> 00:57:58,226
has been linked to an extremist group
Hghting for Cornish independence.
678
00:57:58,392 --> 00:58:00,520
Did I just blow up my best friend's house?
679
00:58:00,686 --> 00:58:04,566
Oh, you did more than that, brother.
The fire rises.
680
00:58:11,446 --> 00:58:15,167
- Are you gonna kill us?
- Oh, you're no use to me dead.
681
00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:17,794
Right. Who are you?
682
00:58:17,953 --> 00:58:23,130
Pasco Trevelyan. Head of militant
Cornish Nationalist group the CLA.
683
00:58:23,291 --> 00:58:24,964
The Cornish Liberation Army.
684
00:58:25,127 --> 00:58:27,801
- And you are?
- Interpol. Counter-terrorism.
685
00:58:27,963 --> 00:58:30,762
Now for years, we thought
the CLA lay dormant.
686
00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:35,100
Tonight, all that changed,
thanks to this man.
687
00:58:35,887 --> 00:58:37,639
Intelligence indicates that
688
00:58:37,806 --> 00:58:40,810
Wickers has been radicalised
by a Cornish preacher of hate.
689
00:58:40,976 --> 00:58:43,229
Alfie? He hasn't got
a violent bone in his body.
690
00:58:43,395 --> 00:58:45,898
The Alfie Wickers you knew is dead.
691
00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:48,613
Why, God'?!
692
00:58:48,775 --> 00:58:51,198
Right, that was a figure of speech.
As you were.
693
00:58:51,361 --> 00:58:52,988
Thankfully there were no fatalities.
694
00:58:53,613 --> 00:58:56,958
That doesn't change the cold hard fact
that Wickers is a terrorist.
695
00:58:57,117 --> 00:59:00,872
And we need to know everything.
Who he talks to. What he reads.
696
00:59:01,038 --> 00:59:03,882
Does he have any links
with the Middle East?
697
00:59:04,041 --> 00:59:05,588
Oh, he likes falafel.
698
00:59:05,751 --> 00:59:08,755
Likes falafel.
699
00:59:12,174 --> 00:59:16,930
We've hacked into a social media account
connected to the suspect's terror cell.
700
00:59:17,095 --> 00:59:19,439
Terror cell? What, you mean his class?
701
00:59:23,226 --> 00:59:24,603
Well, that doesn't prove anything.
702
00:59:42,329 --> 00:59:45,128
Pasco look, take me, not them.
703
00:59:45,290 --> 00:59:48,260
They're just kids. Look, at least
let me just call their parents.
704
00:59:53,924 --> 00:59:57,849
- They could be tracking us.
- I mean, it has an airplane mode.
705
00:59:59,054 --> 01:00:00,601
I hadn't backed up.
706
01:00:00,764 --> 01:00:02,232
Move!
707
01:00:02,724 --> 01:00:06,604
You're right. They might be looking for us
which is why we should act as a decoy.
708
01:00:06,770 --> 01:00:10,570
They may be looking, petal.
But they'll be looking in the wrong place.
709
01:00:10,732 --> 01:00:13,611
I sent them on a merry goose chase.
710
01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:15,824
Who are you people?
711
01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:19,621
The Cornish Liberation Army.
712
01:00:27,582 --> 01:00:29,710
(TV) This was the scene earlier
in Cornwall.
713
01:00:29,876 --> 01:00:31,924
Sir, you're on the telly.
714
01:00:32,963 --> 01:00:35,807
Yeah, /know. VWckers
was always a bit of a loner.
715
01:00:35,966 --> 01:00:39,561
You know, kept himself to himself
Daddy, you never liked him, did you?
716
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,598
Always showing up at the house
pretending we'd invited him.
717
01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:46,735
(newsreader) We repeat. These men are
dangerous and should not be approached.
718
01:00:46,893 --> 01:00:48,770
If you have any information,
please call
719
01:00:48,937 --> 01:00:51,156
The revolution has begun.
720
01:00:51,314 --> 01:00:54,113
Best school trip ever.
721
01:01:05,245 --> 01:01:07,043
Time for Phase 2.
722
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:08,752
Dare I ask what that entails?
723
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:11,885
I could set us up a petition
on change.org.
724
01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:14,762
We are gonna loose a tide of blood.
725
01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:19,013
- How does a revolution succeed?
- Peaceful negotiation.
726
01:01:19,176 --> 01:01:20,803
The armed seizure
of the means of production.
727
01:01:20,969 --> 01:01:23,518
- Really?
- Yes, young Smee.
728
01:01:23,889 --> 01:01:27,689
Control the money, control the people.
Then they'll have to listen to us.
729
01:01:27,851 --> 01:01:29,945
And what's Cornwall's biggest industry?
730
01:01:30,103 --> 01:01:32,697
- Inbreeding? - Racism?
- Mullets? - Pasties?
731
01:01:32,856 --> 01:01:34,073
Clotted cream?
732
01:01:34,941 --> 01:01:37,911
- Tourism.
- Correct, Lotus Blossom.
733
01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:41,619
We're gonna take back this county's
most important attraction.
734
01:01:41,781 --> 01:01:43,328
Move out, lads!
735
01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:57,756
The Eden Project. The CLA's next target.
736
01:01:57,923 --> 01:02:00,927
We've had it confirmed by a number
of sources from the local community.
737
01:02:01,092 --> 01:02:03,015
- Let me talk to him.
- Too late.
738
01:02:03,178 --> 01:02:05,522
His actions have left me only one option.
739
01:02:05,680 --> 01:02:07,273
Helicopter manhunt!
740
01:02:07,432 --> 01:02:08,775
- Yes!
- No!
741
01:02:10,310 --> 01:02:13,439
We need to neutralise that threat
before anyone else gets hurt.
742
01:02:14,314 --> 01:02:15,611
(Pasco) it's show time!
743
01:02:20,070 --> 01:02:23,074
A real rain is coming and it's gonna wash
this county clean!
744
01:02:29,162 --> 01:02:31,915
Confirming a positive ID matching
the suspect's description.
745
01:02:32,082 --> 01:02:33,629
Move!
746
01:02:37,254 --> 01:02:41,009
- Stand aside, move out the way!
- Move to the side of the path!
747
01:02:43,260 --> 01:02:45,137
Welcome to the jungle.
748
01:02:58,233 --> 01:03:00,531
You can't use force. He has rights.
749
01:03:15,917 --> 01:03:17,385
Oh my God, it's them.
750
01:03:22,215 --> 01:03:24,183
Red Team in position.
751
01:03:25,510 --> 01:03:28,229
They're not going to the Eden Project!
752
01:03:28,388 --> 01:03:30,015
Permission to engage?
753
01:03:34,102 --> 01:03:35,729
It's not them, I tell you!
754
01:03:35,895 --> 01:03:38,990
- What makes you so sure of that?
- Because I
755
01:03:41,359 --> 01:03:43,282
feel it in my waters.
756
01:03:44,863 --> 01:03:46,957
Engage at will!
757
01:03:47,115 --> 01:03:49,459
You can't! Alfie! Alfie!
758
01:03:50,285 --> 01:03:52,663
- Red Team engage.
- No!
759
01:03:55,832 --> 01:03:57,675
You see, it's not him!
760
01:04:01,296 --> 01:04:02,843
Scheillke!
761
01:04:07,969 --> 01:04:10,438
Negative, sir, it's not our suspect.
762
01:04:31,284 --> 01:04:33,286
(guard) The castle is now closed.
763
01:04:37,290 --> 01:04:39,588
The castle is now
Excuse me, sir.
764
01:04:40,585 --> 01:04:43,008
I said that the castle is now closed.
You can't
765
01:04:46,633 --> 01:04:48,226
This is a lock-in!
766
01:04:49,761 --> 01:04:52,139
Let the games begin.
767
01:04:56,226 --> 01:04:57,569
They're at Penleven Castle!
768
01:04:58,061 --> 01:04:59,984
Another tip-off from your waters, is it?
769
01:05:00,146 --> 01:05:01,819
Escort this woman out of here.
770
01:05:02,482 --> 01:05:04,985
- Take her away, boys.
- Right, get them all out!
771
01:05:06,361 --> 01:05:09,615
Unhand me!
Joe's got a chip in his neck.
772
01:05:09,781 --> 01:05:11,078
What?
773
01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:14,085
A few years ago, Joe had his appendix out.
774
01:05:14,828 --> 01:05:18,173
Whilst he was under I had them
pop a chip in his neck.
775
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:24,004
- He's not a dog, Susan.
- A lot of mothers do it!
776
01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:27,177
Don't they?
777
01:05:38,726 --> 01:05:44,324
All of Cornwall is here. Young, old,
men, women. White
778
01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:48,198
You've united the clans.
779
01:05:48,778 --> 01:05:51,952
Pasco was right,
the CLA needed new blood.
780
01:05:52,115 --> 01:05:55,415
You're exciting, brave,
and you don't have buggers' grips.
781
01:05:55,577 --> 01:05:58,251
Look, I'd love to be your Che Guevara.
782
01:05:58,413 --> 01:06:01,462
The only slight problem is,
I'm not actually Cornish.
783
01:06:01,624 --> 01:06:05,219
Che Guevara wasn't actually Cuban.
He was born in Argentina.
784
01:06:05,378 --> 01:06:06,971
Would you give it a rest?
785
01:06:07,130 --> 01:06:10,009
I tricked you into planting the bomb,
but they don't know that.
786
01:06:10,175 --> 01:06:14,396
We got the fortress, soldiers,
weeks of supplies.
787
01:06:14,554 --> 01:06:17,478
We can see this through
to the last drop of blood.
788
01:06:18,266 --> 01:06:21,395
All we need is a charismatic leader.
789
01:06:21,561 --> 01:06:24,064
Yeah, right.
You keep using this word 'leader'
790
01:06:24,230 --> 01:06:26,528
(Pasco) Speak to them. Inspire them.
791
01:06:26,691 --> 01:06:31,071
I hear the Jihadiwaddys tell their lot
they'll get a 72 year old virgin.
792
01:06:32,363 --> 01:06:34,115
It's 72 virgins.
793
01:06:34,282 --> 01:06:36,580
See? That's why you're good at this.
794
01:06:38,620 --> 01:06:40,714
Okay, fine. I'll speak to them.
795
01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:44,217
Before I do, maybe you could go on,
get the crowd warmed up a bit?
796
01:06:44,375 --> 01:06:46,594
Then I'll come on and knock it
out the park.
797
01:06:46,753 --> 01:06:48,255
You're the boss.
798
01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:51,424
People of Cornwall.
799
01:06:51,591 --> 01:06:53,719
Right, come on, we're getting out of here.
800
01:06:53,885 --> 01:06:56,308
(Cornish chant)
801
01:06:58,681 --> 01:07:00,854
Sir, where the hell are we going?!
802
01:07:01,017 --> 01:07:03,566
I've got this.
They've barricaded us in,
803
01:07:03,728 --> 01:07:05,571
so I need to send out a distress signal.
804
01:07:05,730 --> 01:07:06,856
Stand back.
805
01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:10,243
(Pasco) The hour of reckoning is upon us!
806
01:07:10,401 --> 01:07:14,872
It's time to rid ourselves of those
Westminster bastards once and for all!
807
01:07:16,658 --> 01:07:21,129
Look, our leader is burning
the symbol of the oppressor.
808
01:07:21,287 --> 01:07:23,164
Alfie.
809
01:07:23,331 --> 01:07:25,049
No, I wasn't.
810
01:07:25,208 --> 01:07:26,755
It was a mistake.
811
01:07:26,918 --> 01:07:29,842
- (all) Alfie, AIHe,AIfle
- Stop chanting.
812
01:07:30,547 --> 01:07:32,094
I didn't mean to.
813
01:07:33,299 --> 01:07:36,428
Alfie, A/He, A/He
814
01:07:40,974 --> 01:07:43,443
(eats noisily)
815
01:07:46,980 --> 01:07:48,903
Sorry. Sorry.
816
01:07:49,399 --> 01:07:51,401
(chant continues)
817
01:08:10,044 --> 01:08:12,422
- Are we gonna die, sir?
- Of course not.
818
01:08:14,048 --> 01:08:15,391
But just in case we do
819
01:08:17,343 --> 01:08:19,721
I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
820
01:08:19,887 --> 01:08:22,356
You were right about Atticus and that lot.
821
01:08:22,849 --> 01:08:24,396
They aren't my friends.
822
01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:26,898
You guys are.
823
01:08:28,396 --> 01:08:29,989
And now I'm losing you.
824
01:08:30,773 --> 01:08:33,902
We're all in the same boat, sir.
It's not just you.
825
01:08:35,612 --> 01:08:38,035
We're saying goodbye to each other.
826
01:08:42,994 --> 01:08:45,543
I'm sorry for all those things
I said, babe.
827
01:08:45,705 --> 01:08:48,879
I was embarrassed and
I took it out on you. BFFs?
828
01:08:49,042 --> 01:08:53,297
BFFs. Oh God,
I look so minging when I cry.
829
01:08:53,880 --> 01:08:57,805
What have I done?
I'm literally the worst teacher ever.
830
01:08:58,509 --> 01:09:00,227
You're a great teacher.
831
01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:03,473
Different, but great.
832
01:09:04,432 --> 01:09:08,687
Yes. You taught us things we weren't
never not going to learn nowhere else.
833
01:09:09,354 --> 01:09:13,154
Wow, that was like a
quadruple negative
834
01:09:13,775 --> 01:09:15,527
but thanks.
835
01:09:17,654 --> 01:09:20,407
Every day at school
I was bullied or ignored.
836
01:09:21,616 --> 01:09:26,292
But your classroom
was the only place I always felt safe.
837
01:09:28,581 --> 01:09:33,678
You're the first person to make me feel
like I was somebody worth talking to.
838
01:09:40,301 --> 01:09:41,644
I'm a virgin.
839
01:09:44,055 --> 01:09:46,808
(all laugh)
(Rem Dogg) No shit.
840
01:09:47,892 --> 01:09:49,894
Hang on. You all knew?
841
01:09:51,854 --> 01:09:53,401
Sir, I'm scared.
842
01:09:54,273 --> 01:09:55,399
Don't worry.
843
01:09:55,566 --> 01:09:59,036
Look, just think of all of this
as one big Class Wars.
844
01:10:01,406 --> 01:10:04,580
That's it! Class Wars!
845
01:10:04,742 --> 01:10:08,042
This is a siege.
And how do we end a siege?
846
01:10:10,832 --> 01:10:12,709
A blockade.
847
01:10:41,362 --> 01:10:45,083
We've cut off your food,
your water and your communication.
848
01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:46,618
The revolution is over.
849
01:10:46,784 --> 01:10:48,832
Hashtag sorry not sorry.
850
01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:54,380
(Alfie) Look, mate, I agree with a lot
of what you're saying.
851
01:10:55,126 --> 01:10:58,300
Yes, the system's cringe,
austerity's bullshit
852
01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:01,470
and of course Cornwall
deserves a voice.
853
01:11:02,049 --> 01:11:05,349
But you're not gonna change any of that
by kidnapping my kids
854
01:11:09,098 --> 01:11:12,022
Any minute now, the police
are gonna make their move
855
01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:15,735
and we are gonna fight
for our freedom to the death.
856
01:11:15,897 --> 01:11:17,991
Could you just let go of my neck?
857
01:11:20,777 --> 01:11:23,576
All those people out there
believe in Allie Wickers.
858
01:11:24,197 --> 01:11:26,541
So you can either play your part
859
01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:29,915
or what does every revolution need?
860
01:11:30,703 --> 01:11:32,296
A martyr.
861
01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:34,002
Damn your tutor.
862
01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:38,883
Once again, young Smee is right.
A revolution needs a martyr.
863
01:11:39,045 --> 01:11:43,767
And I'll nail you to the cross myself
if it means Cornish liberation.
864
01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:45,517
So
865
01:11:46,052 --> 01:11:47,804
what will it be?
866
01:11:49,096 --> 01:11:51,269
What was the first one again?
867
01:12:00,316 --> 01:12:03,695
There are kids in there.
Nobody does anything till I say so.
868
01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:05,659
The world's media is watching.
869
01:12:05,822 --> 01:12:09,247
We wouldn't rule out the use of
unmanned drones. Next question.
870
01:12:09,408 --> 01:12:12,252
- Who are you?
- For the purposes of your articles,
871
01:12:12,411 --> 01:12:14,584
just call me the white Luther.
872
01:12:14,747 --> 01:12:17,421
Somebody shut him up.
873
01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:26,600
Time to tool up.
I brought these over in the boat.
874
01:12:26,759 --> 01:12:31,014
Some serious artillery from our
fellow freedom lighters in ETA.
875
01:12:34,475 --> 01:12:36,193
Oh, bollocks.
876
01:12:39,313 --> 01:12:42,032
I must have sent the wrong crate
to Bodmin.
877
01:12:45,945 --> 01:12:48,323
Oh my God, we're all gonna die.
878
01:12:48,489 --> 01:12:51,038
Shit, man, I think Joe's gone loco.
879
01:12:51,200 --> 01:12:53,202
Guys, look.
880
01:12:57,790 --> 01:13:00,168
Our mums are here to pick us up.
881
01:13:10,052 --> 01:13:12,054
- We've got to get out of here now.
- How?
882
01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:15,191
Seriously, mate,
what the hell are you doing?
883
01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:22,690
Smugglers' tunnel down to the beach.
884
01:13:22,857 --> 01:13:25,030
Does no-one listen to Alfie?
885
01:13:28,988 --> 01:13:31,491
Sir, how did you get past that troll?
886
01:13:31,824 --> 01:13:34,828
Let's just say
I gave him a little present.
887
01:13:34,994 --> 01:13:37,042
You wanked him off?
888
01:13:37,204 --> 01:13:39,548
What? No, I gave him my watch.
889
01:13:39,707 --> 01:13:41,300
Whatever.
Sir wanked off a giant.
890
01:13:41,459 --> 01:13:42,676
I didn't.
891
01:13:42,835 --> 01:13:45,839
Sir, look!
Our mums are here.
892
01:13:46,297 --> 01:13:48,299
Alfie.
893
01:13:48,466 --> 01:13:50,013
The tunnel. I knew it.
894
01:13:50,176 --> 01:13:52,429
Down to the beach. We haven't got long.
895
01:13:52,595 --> 01:13:54,518
He was massive and sir wanked him off.
896
01:13:56,515 --> 01:13:59,860
- What about you?
- If the CLA see you, you're screwed.
897
01:14:00,019 --> 01:14:03,068
- I've gotta create a distraction for you.
- You gonna wank off Pasco as well?
898
01:14:03,230 --> 01:14:05,324
Right, can we just drop the wanking?
899
01:14:07,777 --> 01:14:11,907
Good luck, mate. And if I don't make it
out of here alive, tell Rosie I love her.
900
01:14:13,658 --> 01:14:17,538
Oh, and probably delete
my internet history. Thanks.
901
01:14:18,412 --> 01:14:20,005
Fuck, wait.
902
01:14:20,164 --> 01:14:23,338
I've also got some magazines
in the shed. So yeah.
903
01:14:23,501 --> 01:14:25,549
(Alfie) Henovs
904
01:14:28,547 --> 01:14:31,676
Right, can everyone
just listen to me, please?
905
01:14:35,304 --> 01:14:37,557
Shots fired.
We're going in!
906
01:14:37,723 --> 01:14:40,021
Get those people under cover.
907
01:14:47,525 --> 01:14:49,527
I just wanted to say a few words.
908
01:14:49,694 --> 01:14:51,913
(CLA member) This ain't a wedding.
909
01:14:53,572 --> 01:14:57,372
Before this weekend
I didn't know the difference
910
01:14:57,535 --> 01:14:59,537
between Cornwall and Devon.
911
01:14:59,704 --> 01:15:02,002
(CLA member) Bastards.
912
01:15:02,164 --> 01:15:05,259
But since then everything's changed.
913
01:15:06,127 --> 01:15:09,722
I discovered a county that is proud
914
01:15:10,673 --> 01:15:12,391
but unhappy
915
01:15:12,550 --> 01:15:17,772
because for too long you guys have
been taken for granted by the man.
916
01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:22,025
I'm here to tell you this.
917
01:15:22,518 --> 01:15:24,316
You dorl't need him!
918
01:15:24,895 --> 01:15:27,774
And you know what,
when you walk out that door,
919
01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:30,944
he is gonna see just how much
you do for him!
920
01:15:31,318 --> 01:15:35,869
I'm talking fishing.
I'm talking drystone walling.
921
01:15:37,241 --> 01:15:41,246
- I'm talking
- Thatched roofs.
922
01:15:41,412 --> 01:15:42,789
Yes, thank you, Mick!
923
01:15:42,955 --> 01:15:46,129
You lot can thatch the hell
out of a cottage!
924
01:15:46,500 --> 01:15:49,219
But today isn't about building things
925
01:15:49,378 --> 01:15:52,632
it is about tearing shit up!
926
01:15:52,798 --> 01:15:55,426
(cheers)
927
01:15:55,593 --> 01:15:57,891
And that is why we need to fight!
928
01:15:58,054 --> 01:16:01,934
- Fight! - Fight!
- Fight! Fight for this love!
929
01:16:03,267 --> 01:16:07,147
Because today's the day we tell
those English bastards
930
01:16:07,313 --> 01:16:11,363
that they can take our lives
but they will never take ...!
931
01:16:12,068 --> 01:16:13,820
Our pasties!
932
01:16:17,156 --> 01:16:19,033
Hurry up! Hurry!
933
01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:25,423
This is Cornwall!
934
01:16:50,189 --> 01:16:54,490
In position.
Charge!
935
01:16:55,986 --> 01:16:58,330
Hold the line!
936
01:17:32,731 --> 01:17:34,278
Son of a bitch.
937
01:17:36,735 --> 01:17:38,863
Come back, you coward!
938
01:17:49,290 --> 01:17:50,837
En garde. Touche.
939
01:17:51,000 --> 01:17:52,547
Ponce.
940
01:18:31,373 --> 01:18:33,046
Fuck.
941
01:18:42,801 --> 01:18:45,304
- Mum.
- Oh my God.
942
01:18:51,227 --> 01:18:52,274
Wait!
943
01:18:52,436 --> 01:18:54,188
Chantelle, I'm here.
944
01:19:00,027 --> 01:19:02,746
Oi, guys, help!
945
01:19:09,578 --> 01:19:11,171
Come here!
946
01:19:12,790 --> 01:19:14,713
- Get off!
- Hey, you! Oi!
947
01:19:19,588 --> 01:19:22,057
In loco parentis, motherfuckers.
948
01:19:31,642 --> 01:19:33,315
Come on, kids.
949
01:19:33,477 --> 01:19:35,104
- Let's go.
- Quality.
950
01:20:34,872 --> 01:20:36,590
Et la!
951
01:20:38,834 --> 01:20:40,381
Et la!
952
01:20:42,046 --> 01:20:45,220
That's a direct.
Technically I win.
953
01:20:54,558 --> 01:20:56,310
Look Pasco
954
01:20:58,020 --> 01:20:59,738
NO.
955
01:20:59,897 --> 01:21:00,944
Sorry.
956
01:21:01,106 --> 01:21:02,528
Please
957
01:21:08,030 --> 01:21:11,409
- (Rosie) Alfie! Up here.
- Alfredo!
958
01:21:13,243 --> 01:21:15,792
- Come on, Alfie!
- Come on, Alf.
959
01:21:19,583 --> 01:21:21,130
Closer!
960
01:21:21,293 --> 01:21:23,295
Closer! Bring it down!
961
01:21:26,965 --> 01:21:28,558
- Climb up.
- Come on, Alfie.
962
01:21:28,717 --> 01:21:30,811
- Lower.
- Come on, Alfie!
963
01:21:30,969 --> 01:21:34,473
- Jump!
Come on, Alfie, you can do it, darling!
964
01:21:40,604 --> 01:21:42,322
Not again!
965
01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:02,793
What the fuck?
966
01:22:02,960 --> 01:22:05,179
Sorry!
967
01:22:10,717 --> 01:22:13,687
I think we should find
somewhere to land now.
968
01:22:13,846 --> 01:22:15,723
But we've paid for an hour.
969
01:22:16,765 --> 01:22:18,767
Fine. Killjoy.
970
01:22:32,281 --> 01:22:34,124
- You alright?
- Yeah.
971
01:22:36,285 --> 01:22:39,209
When I thought I was gonna die
972
01:22:39,371 --> 01:22:42,215
you were the only thing
I couldn't bear to leave behind.
973
01:22:42,374 --> 01:22:44,251
I thought I'd lost you.
974
01:22:44,418 --> 01:22:46,045
I love you.
975
01:22:47,796 --> 01:22:48,968
Idiot.
976
01:22:54,178 --> 01:22:57,603
(newsreader) MP Michael Hoye has resigned
today following allegations
977
01:22:57,764 --> 01:23:01,234
that he claimed on expenses
for a cheeky Nandols van.
978
01:23:01,727 --> 01:23:05,027
The Port Jago by-election has been billed
as an unofHcia/ referendum
979
01:23:05,189 --> 01:23:06,657
for the Cornish people.
980
01:23:06,815 --> 01:23:10,820
And #na//y, today is results day for
students up and down the country.
981
01:23:12,488 --> 01:23:14,490
That's not yours, you dick.
982
01:23:36,762 --> 01:23:38,560
Well done, mate.
983
01:23:40,641 --> 01:23:43,190
Thanks, Alfie. For everything.
984
01:24:04,831 --> 01:24:07,084
Remember
985
01:24:10,879 --> 01:24:11,926
Damn straight.
986
01:24:13,549 --> 01:24:15,972
Oh my God.
Never show your mother that.
987
01:24:16,134 --> 01:24:17,761
Okay, sorry.
988
01:24:18,262 --> 01:24:20,765
Okay, gang. Photo time.
989
01:24:27,563 --> 01:24:31,113
Baby, I am so proud of you.
Mummy's so proud.
990
01:24:32,317 --> 01:24:34,490
Well done, well done
991
01:24:34,653 --> 01:24:37,452
- Why are you dressed like that?
- I'm hiding in the leavers' photo.
992
01:24:39,575 --> 01:24:40,622
As you do.
993
01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,829
Oi, sir.
994
01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:46,919
Little gift to say thank you.
995
01:24:47,583 --> 01:24:49,426
Baked them myself.
996
01:24:50,043 --> 01:24:52,592
Thanks, mate.
That's really sweet of you.
997
01:25:09,855 --> 01:25:12,233
Ah, young love.
998
01:25:14,443 --> 01:25:15,990
Oh, bollocks.
999
01:25:17,863 --> 01:25:18,910
What?
1000
01:25:19,948 --> 01:25:22,121
He spiked the brownies.
1001
01:25:26,788 --> 01:25:28,335
Alfie?
1002
01:25:29,625 --> 01:25:31,172
Alfie.
1003
01:25:32,625 --> 01:25:34,172
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