Original subtitles

(music) [Newsreel Theme]

[Commentator Narrating] The year... 1944.

D- day.

After a successful landing on the beaches of Normandy...

Allied troops battle their way through the French countryside...

on to Paris and the liberation of France...

but, for some, liberation comes too late.

A brave member of the French Resistance murdered by a traitor...

the dreaded Poisoner of Alsace.

Alsace-Lorraine... historic frontier province...

long claimed by both France and Germany.

The village of Verzenay...

here the Poisoner of Alsace lays claim to some 20 victims...

all members of the French Resistance.

But what of this shadowy poisoner?

Who is he... or she?

Suspected is this woman... Madame Davos.

Before the occupation, she was well known as the best baker of Verzenay.

But few saw her true face.

Heroic marines capture a high-ranking Nazi officer...

believed to be the man behind Madame Davos's treachery.

- But why did she do it? - [Mutters In German]

There are rumors among the town folk...

hushed talk of illicit rendezvous, romance.

- [Shouting In German] - "I will never tell you. You'll never find her.

You will never learn her secret. "

Prophetic words, for the madame disappeared and has not been seen since.

Will she be found?

What is her mysterious secret?

We may never know.

- Son of a... - [Byers] Frohike, we got a deadline here.

I need your column 10 minutes ago.

I need the... file on the Warren Commission in order to finish it.

Try lookin' under "W."

Oh! You moron.

He files the Warren Commission under "T"...

the Warren Commission.

- Cut the guy some slack. - Oh, and look.

Here's the Teapot Dome Scandal...

the Grassy Knoll.

I say we fire his ass.

You just gotta know how to handle him. Keep it simple.

Like I asked him to clean my keyboard.

Byers.

You're both forgetting it's his life savings keeping us in print.

- I don't care. He's a menace. - He believes in our mission.

He's got a good heart. And...

he's so happy to be here.

If we let him go, it'll crush him.

[Jimmy] Crush who? Who's gonna get crushed?

Jimmy, uh...

we've been talking, and, uh...

we're not sure this is the right place for you.

What, are you kidding?

Working with guys like you, it's a dream.

- Jimmy... - I've been looking my whole life for something like this...

to feel like I make a difference...

to work with men of integrity...

to fight to make this a better country.

You three, you're heroes.

I am so proud to be a part of this team.

Just talking about it...

- Look at that... goose bumps. - You are so fired!

- Frohike. - Byers.

I'll buy us a dancing monkey. I'll teach it how to file.

We'll give you your money back. Just get outta here.

I get it. I get what you're tryin'to say.

Old Yeller.

In Old Yeller, the kid yells at the dog to make him leave.

He loves that dog. He doesn't want him to go.

Guys, don't feel weird about takin' my money.

It's my honor.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

We're gonna keep the dream alive.

In Old Yeller, the kid shoots the dog 'cause he's rabid.

- Thanks for the idea. - [Door Opens]

- Can I help you? - [Foreign Accent] I am looking for this man.

He writes for your newspaper?

- Uh-huh. - Him.

He is the only one who can help me catch a killer.

This is the last known photo of Madame Davos.

She disappeared shortly after it was taken.

The Poisoner of Alsace.

I don't mean to sound stupid. Should I know who that is?

Check the files under "T" for the Poisoner.

She murdered 20 members of the French Resistance during World War II.

She served pastry "iced" with arsenic.

- She's a known Nazi collaborator. - Nazis. I hate those guys.

So, why come to me?

Last month, this personal advertisement...

appeared in several newspapers in Europe.

It's from a woman looking for her long-lost son.

[Byers] A Mrs. Anna Haag of Elwood, NewJersey.

The O.S.S. believed that Madame Davos...

bore a child out of wedlock to a German officer...

that she sent her infant son to Berlin with the retreating army.

It's likely that the child ended up an orphan of war.

You're thinking that the Poisoner of Alsace placed this ad...

that she's alive somewhere looking for her lost child.

How do you know this Mrs. Haag is this Davos lady?

The advertisement mentions Verzenay...

the village where the Poisoner lived.

The dates are correct. In my heart, gentlemen, I know it is her.

I still don't get what this has to do with me.

The child's father was this man.

[Jimmy] Wow.

You're thinking Frohike could pass himself off as the long-lost son?

And bring the Poisoner of Alsace tojustice.

Ho! Whoa, whoa! First things first.

I look nothing like this man.

I'm better-looking for one thing.

When I saw your face, I had such hope.

You see, I am named after my father...

Michael Wilhelm, the prefect of Verzenay.

He was also a Resistance leader.

He was poisoned the day the Allies marched in.

I'm staying at the Belmont.

Please call me if you change your mind.

Seriously, it would never work.

Why not? We've pulled off far more difficult undercover ops.

I don't care how old she is. That lady is dangerous.

You've never been afraid before, so what the hell's the problem?

Oh, for God's sake. I... I just... I...

I can't pass for a 56-year-old man.

This'll work. This'll work. Don't do...

(music) [Singing In French]

[Indistinct]

(music) [Continues In French]

Check it out.

(music) [Ends]

[Exhales] Man, oh, man.

You three ever stop to think that I don't speak French or German?

- You're an orphan of war. - Say you were raised in America.

Okay. So, what if she plays along and poisons me?

That's why we'll be monitoring your vitals remotely.

Oh, great. So you'll have 10 seconds' notice before I croak.

You won't even be in there long enough to do lunch.

Just I.D. the woman and hightail it outta there.

How am I supposed to prove that she's the Poisoner?

I've been waiting for you to ask me that.

I ran a little search on the Davos family.

It seems they all share one interesting physical trait.

[Byers] A birthmark...shaped, ironically, like Germany.

A birthmark. So what?

- It... appears to be... - [Laughing]

- On her butt. - Uh-uh. No freakin' way.

It seems to be the only means of making a positive identification.

The whole family has it, huh?

- What are you doin'? - Covering my ass.

You're gonna give me a birthmark too.

- Prepare to get mooned. - [Fly Unzips]

Hoh!

[Langly] Hold your position, and don't be a wuss. You're the master race. Remember?

Relax, Frohike. Your heart rate's rising rapidly.

Yours would be, too, if you were facing certain death...

or some withered old keister.

- I don't know which is worse. - Knock again. Maybe Mummy didn't hear you.

Oh. Uh, afternoon.

Uh... [Clears Throat]

Uh, I believe you placed this ad.

You're looking for your long-lost son.

I believe I'm him.

You're in. Now pants her.

[Clock Ticking]

[Foreign Accent] What are you doing?

Uh...

I thought I saw a mouse.

What do you want here?

I came to see Mrs. Haag.

I am Mrs. Haag.

That's my maid, Mrs. Allsop.

Who are you?

I'm your son.

Dolph.

- [Crying] - [Beeping]

Oh. We're losing comm.

Oh. We're losing comm.

- [Flipping Switches] - My God, what is she doing to him? Frohike.

Frohike. Do you read?

[Pounding On Door]

[Pounding Continues]

- Ha-Have you got a girl in there? - Pardon me?

You do have a girl in there. Now, loo...

You can'tjust park in front of my house and play slap-and-tickle all day.

I assure you. We're neither slapping nor tickling.

- Then what are you doing? - Uh, well...

- We are, uh... - Is that Mrs. Haag's house?

Oh, my Lord. You're... You're spying on Mrs. Haag.

No. We're not spying... per se.

- We're surveilling. - Surveilling her maid.

Her maid? M-Mrs. Allsop?

- Well, whatever for? - I.N.S., ma'am.

[Clears Throat] We have reason to believe she's...

not... American.

Well, of course she's not American.

She's from France.

This is a federal matter, ma'am. I'll have to ask you not to reveal our presence here.

Or you'll go to jail too... along with the other old bags.

- [Radio Static] - We got comm.

Yeah, without any help from you two.

- [Byers] Where are you? - Oh, I'm in my keen new bedroom.

She insists I stay the night.

That's not the plan. Go take a look at her caboose...

- and let's get the hell outta here. - It's not that easy.

My eyesight's only just now coming back after seeing the maid's.

[Haag] Dolph? What are you doing?

- Who were you talking to? - I-I was...

I was just saying my prayers...

thanking the Lord above that we found each other.

Mm. These belonged to my second husband.

They should fit you. He was a tiny man too.

- Oh, gee, thanks, Ma. - Oh.

- No. No, no, no. Don't. - These need to be laundered.

No, they don't. I was gonna wear them tomorrow.

Is that how you were brought up... to be filthy?

Go to sleep.

[Machine Buzzing]

- [Growling] - What was that?

Nothin'... as in nothin' in my stomach.

I gotta eat somethin'.

- Let's just hope Frohike hasn't. - [Beeping]

We got movement.

It's her, the neighbor lady.

Oh, my God. Old people get up early.

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Exhales] You think she exposed us?

[Radio Static]

Frohike? Do you read?

Frohike. Frohike.

- [Radio Static Continues] - [Langly] Are you there?

I know she's done something terrible to him.

[Loud Radio Static]

Dolph. What are you doing?

I just need my clothes.

No offense, Ma, but these don't do it for me.

What?

[Grunts]

They fit perfectly.

Come. For you, something special.

Come. Come, come. Follow me.

Uh, no, thanks, Mom. I'm not hungry.

You have not eaten a thing since you got here.

This is made special, just for you.

Eat.

Ah. I'll make some juice.

Mmm! It-It's delicious, Ma.

Ah! Good.

[Frohike] Guys. Guys, do you read me?

- Frohike? - Damn, man, where's your tuba?

You look like the little dude in one of those cuckoo clocks.

How about if I pop out of my little house and ring your bell?

What is going on in there?

That whacked-out broad just tried to poison me.

That's what. She gave me one of those pastries.

It's evidence. Get it to us so we can have it analyzed.

It's evidence. Get it to us so we can have it analyzed.

Dolph. How you feel today?

Oh. Oh, you look weak. You come with me.

[Sniffs]

[Beeping]

(music) [Electric Blues]

(music) [Continues]

- Whoa. - (music) [Song Ends]

- [Needle Scratches Across Record] - [Crash]

Wait a minute. What are you doin' here? I know who you are.

You're that lady whose name is the same backwards as it is forwards.

No, it's not. "Yves Adele Harlow" is an anagram, not a palindrome.

Yeah, exactly. Backwards, it's Lee Harvey Oswald.

No. Backward, it's nothing.

Backward? Why am I even talking to you?

- By all means, continue dancing. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where you goin' with that? Give me that.

This? You're not going to try and take it from me, are you?

- Mm. Smart boy. - Whoa. But you're not goin' anywhere either.

Not until I know what's goin' on.

Is that even possible... for you to know what's going on?

[Sighs] Fine.

Your Three Stooges, they're investigating a woman named Madame Davos.

Maybe. Maybe not.

- They are, and, as usual, they're in way over their heads. - Oh, yeah?

And why is that?

What do you know about the man that brought them the story?

Uh, he's some poor old French guy named Michael Wilhelm.

Yeah.

He's named after "this" father who's the pre...

"pre" something of some French village...

Versh... Version. Anyway, he was poisoned to death.

Michael Wilhelm, the prefect of Verzenay...

was indeed murdered by the Poisoner of Alsace...

only he died childless.

So... who was the guy that was here?

Eins, zwei.

Eins, zwei.

- Eins, zwei. - (music) [Singing In French]

Strong.

Strong, not weak.

(music) [Continues]

Faster, faster.

Move those little legs.

- (music) [Ends] - [Groaning]

- [Grunts, Groaning] - [Needle Scratches Across Record]

Son of a... Ma!

I push too hard.

My fault.

Yeah. Whatever. I'll live.

Hopefully.

Oh. You must live.

Now that we've found each other...

we must both make up for the time we missed.

When I lost you in the war...

all those years ago...

All those years.

The world was hard on little things then.

It robbed me. [Crying]

It robbed me of my treasure.

But today I have my treasure back.

Now you must eat something.

I am very worried about you.

What say we order a pizza?

Good. [Patting Hand] I'll go call.

- Frohike, has she left the room? - Yeah. She's gone.

- Frohike, has she left the room? - Yeah. She's gone.

You think you can make it into the kitchen?

We still need that pastry she gave you as evidence.

I'll try.

But I don't know, guys.

I'm beginnin' to have second thoughts about this.

- What do you mean? - I mean...

Did you hear what she said to me just now?

She actually sounded like she had a heart...

not like some rabid Nazi murderer.

I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to see the wrong old lady's butt.

- It's gone. - What's gone?

The pastry, it's gone.

Hello?

Mrs. Allsop?

Hello?

Byers, Langly.

I think I spoke too soon.

- I'm really sorry about this. - [Crying] No. No.

- [Haag] It's all right. - She's putting on quite a show.

That's cold, man. That's how your hard-core Nazis work.

[Chattering]

I've seen enough. I'm gonna talk to the cops and tell them this was no heart attack.

Don't. We still need proof.

What do you need, Byers, a signed confession?

She is the Poisoner of Alsace.

That death cruller was meant for me. I'm outta here.

I just got off the phone with Michael Wilhelm.

He says, if you leave now, it'll only arouse her suspicion.

She might try to slip out of the country.

- We could lose her forever. - I'm sorry, Frohike.

You still gotta glimpse the ham.

You're the son, aren't you?

Oh, it's so wonderful you two found each other after all these years.

I'm Louella Everage from across the street.

Dolph. Nice to meet you.

Your mother wants to have a few friends over this evening.

- You know, a little schnapps. - Oh, sure. Like a wake.

Oh, it must be a comfort to her to have her son back...

- especially at this time of need. - Mm.

Dolph.

Answer the phone if it rings.

I'm going to take a shower.

Boys, opportunity knocks.

[Door Opens]

[Bell Dings]

- Come on. - All right, I told you where to find him.

Now tell me who he is.

You've heard of Stasi, the East German secret police?

Not good guys.

God knows how many defectors they tortured and killed.

I believe this man who now calls himself Michael Wilhelm...

gave them their orders.

He's a cold-blooded murderer.

There's a sizable bounty out for his arrest...

provided I can prove that is indeed him.

Pretend that you like me.

That's enough.

Oh. Uh, hey, so, yeah...

What does any of this have to do with the Lone Gunmen investigating Madame Davos?

Have you seen Mr. Wilhelm's left buttock?

Baby, I don't swing that way, especially not with old guys.

W-Wait a minute. So you're saying that he's her son?

That doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he just go to her himself?

Because he knows there's a bounty on his head.

Why not send three stalking horses to find out whether or not it's a trap?

Well, we need to tell the guys.

- If what you say is true... - Then they're right where they should be...

keeping an eye on that woman.

- You're my lookout. Think you can handle that? - Please. [Scoffs]

[Stairway Door Closes]

[Door Lock Clicks]

[Phone Rings]

[Rings]

Hello? Hmm. [Speaking In German]

[Continues In German]

[Object Clatters Gently]

Thank you. Wonderful job.

Hey, he's a sneaky son of a gun.

Tell you what, I, uh...

Sorry. What now?

Now we warn your three friends that he plans to kill them.

[Shower Running]

T-minus 10 and counting.

[Langly] Copy that, Eagle.

And may God have mercy on your soul.

Camera ready?

Camera is ready.

I'm about to breach the inner sanctum.

[Door Creaking]

One small step for man...

One giant moon for mankind.

- [Groans] - [Radio Static]

What are you doing?

I, uh... I didn't know you were here.

[Moaning] I'm...

I'm dirty. Very, very dirty.

[Door Opens]

- Is that too hot for you? - It's fine.

Could I get a little privacy here?

I've never seen a grown man so shy about his body.

Uh, well, I'm embarrassed... about my birthmark.

- Birthmark? - Yeah, you know, on my backside.

We're all as God made us.

Yeah, I guess. Anyway, maybe they run in the family, huh?

Whoa! What are you doin' there?

Uh, I can take it from here, Ma.

So, we shampoo your hair instead.

- Now, here we go. - Uh, that-that's not my brand of shampoo.

I use the high-dollar stuff. It's gotta have sheep placenta. Sorry.

Don't talk silly.

And take off that wig. [Sighs]

So you got a toupee. So what?

I love you just the way you are.

Always.

[Laughing] Oh.

Oh, my sweet little boy.

[Car Doors Close]

What are you doing here?

Jimmy. Why did you bring her here?

You've been set up. You need to get Frohike out of that house.

[Mouth Full] Not you again?

Why don't you go find your own Nazi to hunt down?

Guys, listen. The guy we thought was the son of the guy that died wasn't the son of the guy.

He was the son of the lady that killed the guy.

You're not gonna start talkin' about Old Yeller again, are you there, Jimmy?

The real son of the Poisoner of Alsace is on his way here now.

He means to retrieve his mother and flee the country leaving no witnesses behind.

The real son. And who's that?

- The man who put you on this case. - Michael Wilhelm?

You're saying Wilhelm is Mrs. Haag's son?

No, not your Mrs. Haag. I overheard Wilhelm say...

[Speaking In German]

"The fools are spying on the wrong woman."

What does that mean? The wrong woman.

Someone close to Mrs. Haag, someone who used her as a decoy.

- A decoy for what? - To allow her to find her long-lost son...

without exposing her true identity.

It's the neighbor, Mrs. Everage.

- She's Madame Davos. - Come on. That nice old lady?

I mean, sure, I called her a bat and everything, but...

You know, she caught me peeing in the hedges just now.

She didn't even yell at me or anything. She even gave me these muffins.

Ah.

Poisoned. Gotcha.

[Gags]

That's no good. I get you a better one.

Uh, Ma, I've been dressing myself since I was 40.

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Whispering] What is it, you idiot?

- For cryin' out loud. - [Footsteps Approaching]

[Sighs]

[Gasps] What the hell's the matter with you?

- I'm trying to give you a message. - Message?

- What message? - Mrs. Haag.

- She's not the one. - Huh?

Who is that man?

And what's this?

[Creaking, Popping]

[Crash]

We need to talk.

- Guten Tag, sucker. - [Air Hisses]

- [Grunts] - He'll be out for an hour or so... barely enough time.

- [Byers] Okay. So now what? - Now we get me to a hospital.

You're gonna be A-okay, buddy.

- Come on. Let's puke you again. - [Groans] I hardly know you.

It's your turn. I need you to get undressed.

- [Thud] - [Groans]

- [Doorbell Rings] - [Women Chattering]

Yes?

- Can I help you? - Mr. Wilhelm.

This man is a friend of mine, Mrs. Everage.

[Door Closes]

[Frohike] There's no doubt about it. It's Mrs. Haag.

- She's the Poisoner of Alsace. - [Wilhelm] How do you know?

She killed my friend... the crazy old bat... poisoned him.

I think she's onto me. She knows I'm not her son.

She'll try to poison me next.

[Woman Screams]

She's dead.

[Frohike] You killed her.

You Nazi.

- I'm gonna call the police. - Thank you... for a job well done.

You are Madame Davos, are you not?

That is your true identity.

- I'm your son. - [Woman] Wait.

[Speaking In German]

I met this woman through an Alsatian friendship society.

I was looking for someone whose story matched mine...

someone who was from the same village who'd also lost a son.

What? She's crazy too.

I encouraged her to seek her child so I could find you.

There is a way to prove this... a family trait.

Ah.

[Women Murmuring]

By God, it is shaped like Germany.

You are the Poisoner of Alsace.

[Beeps]

[Drops Accent] Then your ass is grass, lady.

[Laughs] Man, you were so fooled!

[Women Murmuring]

That pastry you gave me...

you said it was special for him.

You poisoned my maid.

I trusted you.

You're a liar.

- I'm not the only one. - Let's go.

- [Police Radio Chatter] - [Chattering]

Listen, I'm...

I'm sorry I tried to see your butt.

I had to do it. I-I mean...

I had to lie to you.

But I'm sorry you got hurt.

And I'm sorry you haven't found your son yet.

I did find him...

for a day or so.

There he is, the man himself... secret agent man.

- We make one heck of a team, huh? - We don't hug.

I spoke to the F.B.I.

Yves is already filing for the million-dollar bounty on Michael Wilhelm.

- Utterly typical. - No surprise there. She's only ever out for herself.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Then why'd she stick around after she knocked out Wilhelm...

and do this cool makeup job? Ow!

[Exhales] She did save our butts.

Maybe... she's not the person you think she is.

- You could still be fired. - [Vehicle Engine Starts]

[Tires Screeching]

[Child] I made this!

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