All language subtitles for The League s01e02 The Bounce Test.eng
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,772 --> 00:00:05,468
Hello, you collection of shit sippers.
2
00:00:05,642 --> 00:00:08,475
It's week one. Ruxin versus Pete.
3
00:00:08,645 --> 00:00:10,806
- He's a little gnome.
- Miserable troll.
4
00:00:10,980 --> 00:00:13,210
Question:
Is Three Beat the name of your team...
5
00:00:13,383 --> 00:00:15,510
...or the amount of times
you plan on getting married?
6
00:00:15,685 --> 00:00:17,550
- Oh, touchy subject.
KEVIN: Heh-heh-heh.
7
00:00:17,721 --> 00:00:19,985
Do you think single life
is gonna be easier?
8
00:00:20,156 --> 00:00:22,750
No, no, no, my friend,
it's gonna take effort.
9
00:00:22,926 --> 00:00:25,156
Remember how in college,
you used to get drunk...
10
00:00:25,328 --> 00:00:27,387
...and a girl would, like,
fall on your dick?
11
00:00:27,564 --> 00:00:31,022
- That's not the way it works in your 30s.
- He's got a point there, okay?
12
00:00:31,201 --> 00:00:33,726
There are things you don't know.
Been out of the game a while.
13
00:00:33,903 --> 00:00:35,962
Can you imagine
you going to a bar right now?
14
00:00:36,139 --> 00:00:38,903
Well, if you can't,
I brought some visual aids to help out.
15
00:00:39,075 --> 00:00:40,940
[IN DEEP VOICE]
"Oh, hey, it's me, Pete."
16
00:00:41,111 --> 00:00:43,375
[IN HIGH VOICE]
"Oh, hey, I'm a 21-year-old."
17
00:00:43,546 --> 00:00:47,448
[IN DEEP VOICE]
"Oh, you wanna go to
a Counting Crows concert this weekend?"
18
00:00:47,617 --> 00:00:49,346
[IN HIGH VOICE]
"Who are the Counting Crows?"
19
00:00:49,519 --> 00:00:52,716
[IN DEEP VOICE]
"Are you kidding me,
Adam Duritz? That guy's cool."
20
00:00:52,889 --> 00:00:55,289
[IN HIGH VOICE]
"Uh, lame."
21
00:00:55,458 --> 00:00:58,655
[IN DEEP VOICE]
"Whatever.
I'll just go home and blow my friend Kevin."
22
00:00:58,828 --> 00:00:59,852
[GRUNTING]
23
00:01:00,029 --> 00:01:02,224
- Shiva could never love a man like this.
- No.
24
00:01:02,398 --> 00:01:07,165
"Oh, thank God Kevin's penis is so small.
I can fit it in my mouth and still talk."
25
00:01:07,337 --> 00:01:08,736
[GRUNTING]
26
00:01:12,809 --> 00:01:14,868
ANDRE:
So it's, like, "over" over? I mean, is it...?
27
00:01:15,044 --> 00:01:16,068
PETE:
Pretty much. Yeah.
28
00:01:16,246 --> 00:01:18,237
I got an apartment. It's over.
29
00:01:18,414 --> 00:01:20,780
There's like a ripple effect
for your breakup.
30
00:01:21,284 --> 00:01:22,945
It goes beyond you.
31
00:01:23,319 --> 00:01:27,187
- Oh, in terms of how it affects, like, you?
- Yes, exactly.
32
00:01:27,357 --> 00:01:30,019
- I didn't think about that.
RUXIN: You did not think about that.
33
00:01:30,193 --> 00:01:33,856
I wasn't sensitive to your feelings as I was
going through a split-up with my wife.
34
00:01:34,030 --> 00:01:36,430
Yeah, your breakup
is affecting me now...
35
00:01:36,599 --> 00:01:39,500
...because I have not had sex
with Sofia since she had the baby.
36
00:01:39,669 --> 00:01:41,899
She was about ready
to start opening it up...
37
00:01:42,071 --> 00:01:44,471
...and now
she is so distraught because of it...
38
00:01:44,641 --> 00:01:46,268
...she's spending her time with Meegan.
39
00:01:46,743 --> 00:01:50,907
Are you basically saying
I should get back together with Meegan...
40
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,571
...because it's mildly inconvenient
for your sex life?
41
00:01:53,750 --> 00:01:56,719
I would like you to have a kid
so we're living under the same restrictions.
42
00:01:56,886 --> 00:01:58,717
PETE: Oh, you got it, man.
RUXIN: Yeah, thank you.
43
00:01:58,888 --> 00:02:00,651
Yours.
44
00:02:00,824 --> 00:02:01,916
I ordered a Riesling.
45
00:02:02,392 --> 00:02:04,656
You ordered that.
I don't... I'm not ordering that.
46
00:02:04,828 --> 00:02:06,557
This is... We're in public.
47
00:02:06,729 --> 00:02:08,321
Child, please.
48
00:02:09,399 --> 00:02:10,957
- What?
- Yeah, I'm sorry, what was that?
49
00:02:11,134 --> 00:02:12,123
Child, please.
50
00:02:13,669 --> 00:02:15,102
- Is that Ochocinco?
RUXIN: Ochocinco.
51
00:02:15,270 --> 00:02:19,001
Can we get back on track and explain
to you that my balls are like New Orleans...
52
00:02:19,174 --> 00:02:21,506
...and the levees are about to burst.
53
00:02:21,677 --> 00:02:25,010
Why don't you just jerk off?
I don't understand what the problem is.
54
00:02:25,180 --> 00:02:27,011
- Masturbate.
- No, I'm not... I don't.
55
00:02:27,182 --> 00:02:30,549
My sexual imagination is not sexy,
it's scary.
56
00:02:30,719 --> 00:02:31,782
You just need porn.
57
00:02:31,783 --> 00:02:33,000
I can't have porno in the house...
58
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,128
...because Sofia considers that cheating.
Any visual aid is cheating?
59
00:02:36,303 --> 00:02:37,895
Any visual aid is cheating.
60
00:02:38,071 --> 00:02:39,698
I got a deal with Jenny.
61
00:02:39,873 --> 00:02:42,501
I can watch as much porn as I want
as long as I'm working out.
62
00:02:42,676 --> 00:02:43,973
- Even hard-core stuff?
- Yep.
63
00:02:44,144 --> 00:02:48,410
All I know is that if I don't come soon,
that I'm gonna physically get sick.
64
00:02:48,582 --> 00:02:51,676
- You can get sick.
- No, you can't get sick.
65
00:02:51,852 --> 00:02:53,376
As a doctor, trust me, I know.
66
00:02:53,554 --> 00:02:55,215
Andre, you're a plastic surgeon.
67
00:02:55,389 --> 00:02:56,413
- Okay?
- Yeah.
68
00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:58,490
So the next time I wanna take butt fat...
69
00:02:58,659 --> 00:03:00,752
...and inject it into my penis,
I will come to you.
70
00:03:00,928 --> 00:03:02,225
[ALL LAUGHING]
71
00:03:02,396 --> 00:03:05,263
Okay, yeah, I don't do that anymore.
72
00:03:05,432 --> 00:03:06,922
- It's dangerous.
PETE: It isn't.
73
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:09,466
We gotta get going, come on.
We gotta do a thing.
74
00:03:09,636 --> 00:03:12,104
- Where you guys going?
- Couples' dinner.
75
00:03:12,272 --> 00:03:14,706
PETE: Kevin, let me talk to you for a second.
- Let's go.
76
00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:16,570
We're gonna be late, dude.
77
00:03:16,844 --> 00:03:20,371
I know it's gonna be natural for me
to be the topic of conversation tonight.
78
00:03:20,547 --> 00:03:23,983
- Could you just put a damper on that?
- It won't even come up, I promise.
79
00:03:24,151 --> 00:03:26,449
It's over, kaput,
finito. Done.
80
00:03:26,620 --> 00:03:28,417
He's got his own place now.
81
00:03:28,589 --> 00:03:31,820
I mean, she gave him all the good years.
Pete hasn't even grown up.
82
00:03:31,992 --> 00:03:33,584
It's not right. He's not thinking.
83
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,991
He's totally immature.
I mean, you don't just leave your wife.
84
00:03:37,164 --> 00:03:40,031
Everybody fights.
We fight like cats and dogs but...
85
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,293
RUXIN: You know what?
SOFIA: We're not getting a divorce.
86
00:03:42,469 --> 00:03:44,528
No, because this dog loves that cat.
87
00:03:44,705 --> 00:03:47,139
- You know? Woof, woof.
JENNY: That's cute.
88
00:03:47,307 --> 00:03:48,672
- I love you.
- I love you too.
89
00:03:49,512 --> 00:03:51,742
Maybe tonight we could show each other
how we love each other.
90
00:03:51,914 --> 00:03:54,109
Mm-mm. We're not having
this conversation.
91
00:03:54,283 --> 00:03:56,114
- I can't talk to her.
- What do you mean?
92
00:03:56,285 --> 00:03:58,378
I can't talk to her.
We have nothing in common.
93
00:03:58,554 --> 00:03:59,543
Ask her a question.
94
00:03:59,722 --> 00:04:02,122
Ask her about her dress
or where she gets the shoes.
95
00:04:02,291 --> 00:04:05,055
- I'm uncomfortable.
- I know you are but you have to do this.
96
00:04:05,227 --> 00:04:06,387
How's the baby?
97
00:04:06,562 --> 00:04:07,824
- He is amazing.
JENNY: Yeah?
98
00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:09,021
Beautiful.
99
00:04:09,198 --> 00:04:11,428
- He's a gift.
- And he gave me a gift.
100
00:04:12,435 --> 00:04:14,096
- The gift of boobs.
JENNY: Wow.
101
00:04:14,470 --> 00:04:15,596
- Look at those.
SOFIA: Yeah.
102
00:04:15,771 --> 00:04:17,762
- They're gorgeous.
- Those are something.
103
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:21,403
SOFIA: I've never had boobs this big, ever.
JENNY: They're wonderful.
104
00:04:21,577 --> 00:04:22,669
- Here, feel it.
- That's okay.
105
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:25,245
Come on, feel it. Come on, feel it.
106
00:04:25,414 --> 00:04:27,814
- Oh, yep, they're big.
- Isn't it fantastic?
107
00:04:27,983 --> 00:04:31,180
Okay, your wife has more access
to my wife's breasts than I do.
108
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:34,380
How are yours?
Did they stay that way, let me see?
109
00:04:34,557 --> 00:04:37,754
I would be a little concerned
of stretch marks when they're that big.
110
00:04:37,927 --> 00:04:39,224
Okay, all right.
111
00:04:39,395 --> 00:04:41,989
Pete is killing me
and his breakup is killing me.
112
00:04:42,164 --> 00:04:44,064
- Okay.
SOFIA: It's killing me too, babe.
113
00:04:44,233 --> 00:04:45,325
KEVIN:
It's so upsetting.
114
00:04:45,501 --> 00:04:49,335
The thing is that I wanna let you know
is that I'll never leave you.
115
00:04:49,905 --> 00:04:52,271
Well, I don't think Kevin
would ever leave me.
116
00:04:52,441 --> 00:04:55,274
- Why's that?
- Because I have confidence in my pussy.
117
00:04:55,444 --> 00:04:56,638
RUXIN: Ha-ha-ha!
- Um...
118
00:04:56,812 --> 00:04:58,939
- Sweetheart, that's...
SOFIA: That's good, I mean...
119
00:04:59,115 --> 00:05:00,514
- I got a great puss.
- Stop it.
120
00:05:00,683 --> 00:05:02,514
RUXIN: You do.
- You're dropping P bombs.
121
00:05:02,685 --> 00:05:08,624
Can I ask? Do you have great confidence
in your pussy, or is this vaginal hubris?
122
00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:10,190
- Do you want references?
- Yeah.
123
00:05:10,513 --> 00:05:12,777
You don't need to know about it.
I am proud of it.
124
00:05:12,949 --> 00:05:15,474
It's a lovely pussy.
You should be proud of your pussy.
125
00:05:15,652 --> 00:05:17,017
Oh, my God.
126
00:05:17,549 --> 00:05:20,882
- Can you stop?
- This is so amazing.
127
00:05:21,319 --> 00:05:23,879
ANDRE:
We are gonna get you back in the saddle.
128
00:05:24,055 --> 00:05:27,024
Eight years,
things have changed, bigtime.
129
00:05:27,192 --> 00:05:31,356
First of all, you can't just go up
and talk to a girl anymore, all right?
130
00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:33,395
That's out. You gotta neg them.
131
00:05:33,565 --> 00:05:36,398
- Neg, as in be negative?
- Exactly.
132
00:05:36,568 --> 00:05:38,160
Wait. Watch.
133
00:05:39,304 --> 00:05:42,171
Nice pants. Makes your butt look fat.
134
00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:46,511
- Okay, yeah, she hates you right now.
- Right now.
135
00:05:46,678 --> 00:05:49,545
Come midnight, she'll be back. Watch.
136
00:05:49,714 --> 00:05:52,808
I don't think negging is for me,
I gotta say. It's not my speed.
137
00:05:52,984 --> 00:05:54,918
If you're not gonna do negging,
do magic.
138
00:05:55,086 --> 00:05:58,886
So you're gonna look me in the eye
and tell me that girls at a bar like magic?
139
00:05:59,424 --> 00:06:03,520
I'm gonna tell you
that everybody loves magic.
140
00:06:04,663 --> 00:06:07,496
- Everyone.
- What's your success rate around here?
141
00:06:07,666 --> 00:06:09,600
What are we talking? Hand jibbers?
142
00:06:09,768 --> 00:06:11,668
Anything. Anything at all.
143
00:06:11,837 --> 00:06:12,895
- What's up, boys?
- Taco.
144
00:06:13,071 --> 00:06:16,234
- Dr. Dre, Pete, what's going on?
- Not much, what's going on?
145
00:06:16,408 --> 00:06:18,899
- Hey, let me buy you a drink, on me.
- No, man. I don't...
146
00:06:19,077 --> 00:06:21,875
I don't pay for drinks here.
The bartender's my Eskimo brother.
147
00:06:22,047 --> 00:06:24,038
What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual?
148
00:06:24,216 --> 00:06:26,548
What's a Eskimo brother?
149
00:06:26,718 --> 00:06:28,015
Eskimo brother.
150
00:06:29,054 --> 00:06:33,616
When two guys had sex with the same girl,
they're Eskimo brothers.
151
00:06:33,723 --> 00:06:36,123
You have to know
what your Eskimo family tree is.
152
00:06:36,293 --> 00:06:39,854
- That's how you get things done.
- It's like your Platinum card?
153
00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:41,361
How do you get things done?
154
00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:42,930
- We got jobs.
- Went to college.
155
00:06:43,099 --> 00:06:45,624
Yeah, and we make money
and we purchase things.
156
00:06:45,802 --> 00:06:47,394
You guys are weird.
157
00:06:47,571 --> 00:06:50,665
I'll pay 5 bucks for valet,
but 6.50 is ridiculous.
158
00:06:50,841 --> 00:06:53,173
- What?
- It's too much money for the valet.
159
00:06:53,343 --> 00:06:55,402
- What do you tip?
- I don't know.
160
00:06:55,579 --> 00:06:56,568
Oh, my God, you're wasted.
161
00:06:58,331 --> 00:06:59,320
I don't know.
162
00:06:59,499 --> 00:07:00,488
- Oh, look at you.
- Take them off.
163
00:07:00,667 --> 00:07:02,157
Okay, relax. I'll take them off.
164
00:07:02,435 --> 00:07:04,369
Skinny jeans. Why?
165
00:07:05,004 --> 00:07:07,063
- Let's go to bed, I'm exhausted.
- Come on.
166
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:08,332
Yes. Mmm.
167
00:07:08,508 --> 00:07:10,066
No, no, no.
168
00:07:10,243 --> 00:07:11,608
Why? No?
169
00:07:11,778 --> 00:07:14,679
- You're killing my confidence here.
- It's not about confidence.
170
00:07:14,848 --> 00:07:17,442
You'll pass out.
It turns into an after-school special.
171
00:07:17,617 --> 00:07:20,313
- I feel weird about this, I do.
- I'm not gonna pass out.
172
00:07:20,487 --> 00:07:23,650
- I'm gonna get you.
- No, no, no, you're not gonna get me.
173
00:07:23,823 --> 00:07:26,724
KEVIN:
Oh, my God, you're aggressive.
174
00:07:26,893 --> 00:07:30,260
- This is very, very unlike you.
- I'm gonna show you why I'm so confident.
175
00:07:30,430 --> 00:07:32,660
KEVIN:
Just relax. You're gonna pull something.
176
00:07:32,832 --> 00:07:34,663
Wait a second, where's your leg?
177
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:35,960
- Oh, my God.
JENNY: Right?
178
00:07:36,269 --> 00:07:39,500
- Ha-ha-ha!
KEVIN: Oh, my God. That, keep doing that.
179
00:07:39,672 --> 00:07:40,764
Keep doing that.
180
00:07:44,210 --> 00:07:47,737
Knock, knock, knock.
Oh, well, this place is a shit hole.
181
00:07:49,182 --> 00:07:51,707
- Thank you.
- Bachelor care package.
182
00:07:52,919 --> 00:07:53,943
What is this?
183
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,020
DVD on how to save
your marriage after an affair.
184
00:07:56,189 --> 00:07:57,952
Thank you. I didn't have an affair.
185
00:07:58,124 --> 00:08:01,287
I just found it at the gas station,
in the bargain bin.
186
00:08:01,461 --> 00:08:03,895
- Hey, you back together with Meegan yet?
- I did not.
187
00:08:04,063 --> 00:08:06,930
- Are you having sex with your wife yet?
- No, no, I'm not.
188
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:09,159
- Is there a bottle opener around here?
- Nope.
189
00:08:09,844 --> 00:08:11,141
Great.
190
00:08:11,312 --> 00:08:15,180
Look, I know you're just doing this to get,
like, a little vacation for your marriage.
191
00:08:15,350 --> 00:08:18,547
But can't you just scurry back
for like one week?
192
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,985
Being married to Meegan
is like being at the beach, okay?
193
00:08:22,157 --> 00:08:25,957
You put up with this shit that's completely
unacceptable in any other situation.
194
00:08:26,127 --> 00:08:28,288
Except that, "Hey, we're at the beach."
195
00:08:28,463 --> 00:08:32,263
It's like you're shivering in shorts in
50-degree weather, but we're at the beach.
196
00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:36,063
But the truth is, some beaches suck.
Some beaches are bad.
197
00:08:36,237 --> 00:08:39,798
You can't see this, because you're
still living at the beach, but I left.
198
00:08:39,974 --> 00:08:42,272
I can't go back to the beach, man,
I'm done.
199
00:08:42,944 --> 00:08:44,138
What?
200
00:08:44,312 --> 00:08:48,772
- You don't think about divorce, seriously?
- I mean, I've thought about it.
201
00:08:49,184 --> 00:08:50,310
But I would never do it.
202
00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:52,680
- Why? You have, like, a moral stipulation?
- No.
203
00:08:52,854 --> 00:08:56,017
If Sofia and I split up,
50 percent of my time...
204
00:08:56,191 --> 00:08:59,422
...I would have to spend 100 percent
of my time with my kid.
205
00:08:59,594 --> 00:09:02,358
Right now,
I'm rocking like 50 percent coverage...
206
00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:03,861
...30 percent of my time.
207
00:09:04,032 --> 00:09:05,659
You cannot beat those numbers.
208
00:09:05,834 --> 00:09:09,531
Also, if we got a divorce,
she would get half of my money...
209
00:09:09,704 --> 00:09:11,331
...making me ostensibly poor...
210
00:09:11,506 --> 00:09:14,600
...yet still paying her to just get pounded
by other dudes.
211
00:09:14,776 --> 00:09:17,404
Which will happen
because she is still smoking hot...
212
00:09:17,579 --> 00:09:20,514
...whereas I look like
a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.
213
00:09:20,682 --> 00:09:23,515
Wow, you have crunched
the numbers on this, my friend.
214
00:09:23,685 --> 00:09:26,017
- Hey.
- Now, that is a bachelor gift.
215
00:09:26,187 --> 00:09:27,279
- Look at this guy.
KEVIN: Yeah.
216
00:09:27,455 --> 00:09:29,650
Jenny packed that shit up
so that you don't die.
217
00:09:29,824 --> 00:09:33,055
Oh, speaking of Jenny,
how is she feeling today?
218
00:09:33,228 --> 00:09:36,220
More importantly,
how is her vagina doing today?
219
00:09:36,397 --> 00:09:39,662
Is it feeling aloof, timid, cantankerous?
220
00:09:39,834 --> 00:09:42,826
Wait, wait, wait. You're talking
about his wife's private parts?
221
00:09:43,004 --> 00:09:45,529
That's right.
You were not at couples' dinner last night.
222
00:09:45,707 --> 00:09:47,140
Well, let me take you back.
223
00:09:47,308 --> 00:09:49,868
Jenny proclaimed,
for all the world to hear...
224
00:09:50,044 --> 00:09:52,376
...that she has great confidence
in her pussy.
225
00:09:52,547 --> 00:09:57,382
Now, I, being the curious-natured soul
that I am, posited...
226
00:09:57,552 --> 00:10:00,988
...was it actual confidence in her pussy,
or does she have vaginal hubris?
227
00:10:01,156 --> 00:10:02,714
An excellent question.
228
00:10:02,891 --> 00:10:05,382
It is not vaginal hubris.
229
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,893
In fact, last night
she gave me very special sex.
230
00:10:09,664 --> 00:10:12,929
- Special sex!
- Special sex!
231
00:10:13,101 --> 00:10:14,500
RUXIN: Yay!
PETE: Is it real?
232
00:10:14,669 --> 00:10:19,003
Are there unicorns snowing teardrops
of Elton John songs?
233
00:10:19,174 --> 00:10:20,937
[BOTH LAUGHING]
234
00:10:21,109 --> 00:10:22,440
Yeah, Elton John sang.
235
00:10:22,610 --> 00:10:24,407
- Wow.
- These are twist-offs?
236
00:10:24,579 --> 00:10:27,377
Yeah, just... Here you go.
237
00:10:29,551 --> 00:10:31,018
[SOFIA MOANING]
238
00:10:31,886 --> 00:10:33,581
[MOANING]
239
00:10:35,223 --> 00:10:36,622
Honestly...
240
00:10:36,791 --> 00:10:38,782
SOFIA:
Oh, God.
241
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,860
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetheart.
242
00:10:41,696 --> 00:10:43,391
How was your day?
243
00:10:43,565 --> 00:10:44,793
Tough and getting tougher.
244
00:10:44,966 --> 00:10:48,732
Oh, God, my day has been painful.
245
00:10:48,903 --> 00:10:51,565
These things are getting so big
from breastfeeding.
246
00:10:51,739 --> 00:10:53,036
- Uh-huh.
- You know?
247
00:10:53,208 --> 00:10:55,005
- I do.
- But I gotta work out.
248
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:57,303
We gotta work out. You are a hot mama.
249
00:10:57,478 --> 00:11:01,471
- Do you think that they look too big?
- No.
250
00:11:01,649 --> 00:11:06,518
At the gym, they're just bouncing around.
I just have to order this new sports bra.
251
00:11:06,688 --> 00:11:08,656
- I think it's gonna relieve me.
- Yeah?
252
00:11:09,057 --> 00:11:10,752
SOFIA:
Yeah.
253
00:11:13,461 --> 00:11:15,452
[NEW-AGE MUSIC
PLAYING ON COMPUTER]
254
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:17,289
What is that?
255
00:11:17,465 --> 00:11:20,332
SOFIA: This is the Bounce Test video,
and it shows how much support...
256
00:11:20,501 --> 00:11:22,935
...a sports bra gives you. Isn't it genius?
257
00:11:23,104 --> 00:11:24,469
You see? Don't I need it?
258
00:11:24,639 --> 00:11:26,630
- I really need it, don't I?
- Yeah, sure.
259
00:11:26,808 --> 00:11:29,299
- I mean it's a smart purchase.
- It's a great purchase.
260
00:11:29,477 --> 00:11:31,172
You're very frugal.
261
00:11:31,346 --> 00:11:34,509
JENNY:
Hey, babe, did you print that recipe?
262
00:11:35,717 --> 00:11:38,686
Okay.
263
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,216
Hmm. Hello, message board.
264
00:11:42,390 --> 00:11:43,857
What are you guys talking about?
265
00:11:44,259 --> 00:11:48,696
Pete, I thought your life decisions were
gonna prevent me from ejaculating again...
266
00:11:48,863 --> 00:11:51,229
...but I have found a porn loophole.
267
00:11:51,399 --> 00:11:54,300
Granted, it's a Bounce Test video
for some bra website...
268
00:11:54,469 --> 00:11:57,802
...and the woman has no head,
and there's Enya playing in the background.
269
00:11:57,972 --> 00:11:59,030
- Oh, gross.
-
But we've...
270
00:11:59,941 --> 00:12:01,966
What is that?
271
00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:03,967
[HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON COMPUTER]
272
00:12:04,145 --> 00:12:08,673
Yo. This song is dedicated
to a very confident woman.
273
00:12:09,150 --> 00:12:12,017
That's right,
this goes out to my sister-in-law Jenny.
274
00:12:12,487 --> 00:12:14,717
[RAPPING]
What, what
She's proud of her pussy
275
00:12:14,889 --> 00:12:16,823
Her peach
Her bearded ham is well groomed
276
00:12:16,991 --> 00:12:20,017
Thinks that she's the real deal
All other pussies are cartoons
277
00:12:20,194 --> 00:12:22,662
Her vagina is a church
And her slit is the steeple
278
00:12:22,830 --> 00:12:26,061
Her vulva's one of Barbara Walters'
Most fascinating people
279
00:12:26,234 --> 00:12:29,101
She's got vaginal hubris
Vaginal hubris
280
00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:32,000
According to her vag
All other pussies are useless
281
00:12:32,173 --> 00:12:34,733
Vaginal hubris, vaginal hubris
282
00:12:34,909 --> 00:12:38,242
Her pussy confidence is unbreakable
Like Bruce Willis
283
00:12:38,413 --> 00:12:42,008
When I say "vaginal hubris"
You yell "Jenny!"
284
00:12:42,917 --> 00:12:44,612
God. Oh, Kevin!
285
00:12:44,786 --> 00:12:47,220
- Vaginal hubris
CHORUS:
Jenny
286
00:12:47,388 --> 00:12:50,050
- Vaginal hubris
- Jenny
287
00:12:50,825 --> 00:12:52,656
I wouldn't go to that doctor.
288
00:12:52,827 --> 00:12:55,159
[WOMAN MOANING ON TV]
289
00:12:55,330 --> 00:12:57,321
The story's hard to follow.
290
00:12:57,699 --> 00:12:58,893
- Hey.
- Hey.
291
00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:02,059
I'm learning some good moves here.
It's called the kidney shifter.
292
00:13:02,236 --> 00:13:03,430
- Kevin?
- Yeah.
293
00:13:03,604 --> 00:13:06,698
Why are your friends talking
about my vagina on the message boards?
294
00:13:06,874 --> 00:13:08,774
- Why are you looking?
- Why am I looking...?
295
00:13:08,943 --> 00:13:09,967
You don't wanna know.
296
00:13:10,144 --> 00:13:12,578
I need to know
because I help you out with your team.
297
00:13:12,747 --> 00:13:15,045
Look, you brought it up, okay?
I'm defending you.
298
00:13:15,216 --> 00:13:16,274
You're defending me?
299
00:13:16,451 --> 00:13:18,919
If you're defending me, sweetheart,
take them down.
300
00:13:19,087 --> 00:13:21,351
- I can't take them down.
- You're the commissioner.
301
00:13:21,522 --> 00:13:22,989
No, you don't take things down.
302
00:13:23,157 --> 00:13:25,284
That's like taking a dump
on the Constitution.
303
00:13:25,460 --> 00:13:27,155
You don't do it. It's freedom of speech.
304
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:28,625
Okay, so you would rather...
305
00:13:28,796 --> 00:13:31,526
...I be upset at you
than your friends be upset at you?
306
00:13:31,699 --> 00:13:33,166
- No.
- No.
307
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:35,325
- I don't understand.
- It's not a question...
308
00:13:35,503 --> 00:13:37,767
- I love you? I love you.
- It's... Oh...
309
00:13:37,939 --> 00:13:39,566
- Why do we have to fight?
- Take it down.
310
00:13:39,741 --> 00:13:41,265
- I can't do it.
- Great, fine.
311
00:13:41,442 --> 00:13:43,307
Did you like that thing we did last night?
312
00:13:43,478 --> 00:13:44,412
- Yes, I did.
- Yeah? Good.
313
00:13:44,412 --> 00:13:45,071
- Yes, I did.
- Yeah? Good.
314
00:13:45,246 --> 00:13:48,113
It's the last you're gonna get.
You, my friend, are on a sexual freeze.
315
00:13:49,298 --> 00:13:50,993
- That's it.
- What am I supposed to do?
316
00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:53,066
Keep working out.
Stay through the money shot.
317
00:13:53,235 --> 00:13:55,533
You could stand to lose a few pounds.
318
00:13:58,790 --> 00:13:59,415
Got your e-mail.
319
00:14:00,259 --> 00:14:02,124
Thank you for coming.
320
00:14:02,394 --> 00:14:04,726
I would just like to say...
321
00:14:05,597 --> 00:14:08,259
...that I don't know
what you think you heard...
322
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:10,634
...about what I was doing
on the Internet.
323
00:14:10,802 --> 00:14:13,066
But I was on the Internet
supporting my wife...
324
00:14:13,238 --> 00:14:15,763
...as she goes through a difficult time
with her body.
325
00:14:15,941 --> 00:14:18,876
Her breasts are swollen
in a way that is uncomfortable for her.
326
00:14:19,044 --> 00:14:20,306
No, Ruxin, I can't.
327
00:14:20,479 --> 00:14:24,973
I am done hearing about her breasts.
I am done hearing you talk about my vagina.
328
00:14:27,273 --> 00:14:28,570
All right. What do you want?
329
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:31,609
What is it gonna take for you
to not talk to Sofia about this?
330
00:14:31,778 --> 00:14:33,245
What do I want?
331
00:14:33,413 --> 00:14:34,573
I want Peyton Manning.
332
00:14:35,548 --> 00:14:37,413
We'll give you Fred Taylor.
333
00:14:37,584 --> 00:14:38,778
We'll throw in Torry Holt.
334
00:14:38,952 --> 00:14:40,579
You run your husband's team.
335
00:14:41,488 --> 00:14:43,456
- I didn't say that.
- The stories are true.
336
00:14:43,623 --> 00:14:46,592
You are not gonna tell anyone
about this meeting.
337
00:14:47,293 --> 00:14:50,785
I will not tell Sofia
that you're a pathetic...
338
00:14:51,598 --> 00:14:55,398
...little perv
who jerks off to Bounce Tests.
339
00:14:55,568 --> 00:14:56,762
- Deal.
- Deal?
340
00:14:56,936 --> 00:14:59,598
- Deal.
- Shake on it?
341
00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,707
Good man, Ruxin.
342
00:15:03,643 --> 00:15:06,441
- We're done here.
- Yes, we are.
343
00:15:06,913 --> 00:15:10,212
Oh, by the way, you know that move
that Kev was telling you about?
344
00:15:10,383 --> 00:15:12,112
- Mm-hm.
- Sofia told me about that one.
345
00:15:12,285 --> 00:15:13,752
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
346
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,717
I'm sorry, babe.
347
00:15:17,657 --> 00:15:20,888
Hey, what's up?
I got a reservation for three, for Nozic.
348
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:22,721
Nope.
349
00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:26,228
What do you mean nope?
You didn't even look at the list.
350
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,331
- Nope.
- Fine.
351
00:15:28,501 --> 00:15:31,061
- lf it's gonna be like that?
- Andre, Andre, I got this.
352
00:15:31,237 --> 00:15:33,137
I got this, I got this.
353
00:15:33,306 --> 00:15:35,240
Hey, man, you know Tiffany?
354
00:15:36,443 --> 00:15:38,968
- Crazy Tiffany?
- Crazy Tiffany with the piercing.
355
00:15:38,785 --> 00:15:42,346
Hey, come to think of it,
Tiffany's actually my Eskimo sister too.
356
00:15:42,522 --> 00:15:43,546
She's bi.
357
00:15:43,723 --> 00:15:46,385
I bet you we have a lot
of Eskimo brother connections.
358
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,552
You and I definitely have one.
359
00:15:50,806 --> 00:15:53,104
Hey, wait a minute,
maybe we're Eskimo brothers.
360
00:15:53,275 --> 00:15:56,540
- Yeah, who do you know?
- Have you ever slept with your sister?
361
00:15:57,246 --> 00:15:59,771
- Heather?
- I don't know what her name is, but...
362
00:15:59,949 --> 00:16:01,041
How did that happen?
363
00:16:01,216 --> 00:16:04,344
She was a senior when we were freshmen.
You must have been like 13?
364
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,885
- Twelve.
PETE: Yeah.
365
00:16:06,055 --> 00:16:07,317
- I slept with Heather too.
- What?
366
00:16:07,374 --> 00:16:09,604
- Eskimo brothers.
- Eskimo brothers.
367
00:16:09,776 --> 00:16:11,835
Well, welcome to the family, my man.
368
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:13,411
- Child, please.
- Whoa.
369
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:16,981
Eskimo brothers are dumb, all right?
370
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:19,050
- I'm gonna call Heather.
- It's all right.
371
00:16:19,252 --> 00:16:22,153
If you wanna hook it up,
I got a sure-fire method of doing it.
372
00:16:22,322 --> 00:16:24,017
- Really?
- Yeah.
373
00:16:24,190 --> 00:16:25,680
It's Andre's ATM receipts.
374
00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:28,555
- Whoa. That's real?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
375
00:16:28,728 --> 00:16:30,992
Just be like,
"I didn't mean for you to see this."
376
00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:32,563
"That's personal information."
377
00:16:32,732 --> 00:16:35,792
Be like, "Here's my card.
Whoops, sorry about that."
378
00:16:35,969 --> 00:16:37,664
Here's my...
379
00:16:37,837 --> 00:16:40,271
Dude, dude,
I'm gonna be back in five minutes.
380
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:43,876
I'm gonna go have sex with that girl.
381
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:45,477
Have fun.
382
00:16:45,645 --> 00:16:48,705
- Can I just...?
- Yeah, of course, it's yours.
383
00:16:56,539 --> 00:16:57,870
- Hey.
- Hey.
384
00:16:59,175 --> 00:17:00,540
Do you wanna buy me a drink?
385
00:17:00,710 --> 00:17:03,372
Yeah, I was just about to ask you
the same question.
386
00:17:03,546 --> 00:17:05,912
Can I get a Bud Light and...?
387
00:17:06,082 --> 00:17:08,550
- I'll have a seabreeze, please.
- Seabreeze.
388
00:17:08,718 --> 00:17:10,117
Are...?
389
00:17:11,153 --> 00:17:12,518
Are you married?
390
00:17:12,688 --> 00:17:14,155
Uh...
391
00:17:14,323 --> 00:17:15,415
Yes and no.
392
00:17:16,425 --> 00:17:17,449
Uh, let's see.
393
00:17:17,627 --> 00:17:21,586
I am basically finished with dinner,
but I haven't gotten the check yet.
394
00:17:22,164 --> 00:17:26,157
No, look, I completely get it.
I'm divorced too, so...
395
00:17:26,335 --> 00:17:27,597
Wait, you're a divorcée?
396
00:17:28,304 --> 00:17:30,295
Well, no. We don't like to use that term.
397
00:17:30,473 --> 00:17:33,101
- It ages us a little bit.
- Yeah, that's a good point.
398
00:17:33,276 --> 00:17:35,836
- Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.
399
00:17:36,445 --> 00:17:37,469
Do you hate magic?
400
00:17:38,247 --> 00:17:39,771
- Yes.
- Yes, magic sucks.
401
00:17:39,949 --> 00:17:42,076
- I do.
- Yes.
402
00:17:42,251 --> 00:17:44,378
- We're gonna get along...
- I think we're gonna...
403
00:17:44,554 --> 00:17:46,749
This is gonna be all right.
We're gonna be fine.
404
00:17:46,923 --> 00:17:48,413
KEVIN: Jenny?
- Hm?
405
00:17:48,591 --> 00:17:51,924
Ruxin just offered me the best trade ever.
406
00:17:52,094 --> 00:17:54,494
- Really?
- I give him Fred Taylor and Torry Holt...
407
00:17:54,664 --> 00:17:56,791
...and I get Peyton Manning.
408
00:17:56,966 --> 00:17:58,661
- Whoa.
- I needed a quarterback.
409
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:00,768
- That's awesome.
- This is unbelievable.
410
00:18:01,037 --> 00:18:03,835
You... You had something to do with this,
didn't you?
411
00:18:04,006 --> 00:18:06,372
You have that little... That little face on.
412
00:18:06,542 --> 00:18:08,476
Little smirk. What did you do?
413
00:18:08,644 --> 00:18:11,078
- How did you get him to do this?
- I don't know.
414
00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:12,339
- Oh, God.
- Are you happy?
415
00:18:12,515 --> 00:18:14,415
I have never been so in love with you.
416
00:18:14,584 --> 00:18:16,984
- You get your Manning.
- Oh, my God.
417
00:18:17,153 --> 00:18:18,586
I'm so... Can we do the thing?
418
00:18:18,754 --> 00:18:20,881
The special thing that we did?
The thing that...
419
00:18:21,057 --> 00:18:23,685
You know, if we keep doing it,
it's not gonna be special.
420
00:18:23,859 --> 00:18:25,486
Oh, special's overrated.
421
00:18:25,661 --> 00:18:29,529
Oh, ow, ow. Oh, just be gentle.
I'm sore from working out.
422
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:33,428
So I talked to my sister, it's true.
423
00:18:33,603 --> 00:18:34,695
She still hot?
424
00:18:34,870 --> 00:18:36,201
No, she's like 300 pounds.
425
00:18:36,372 --> 00:18:37,396
[TACO GROANS]
426
00:18:37,573 --> 00:18:40,667
- Where were you at, man?
- I was having sex with some girl in a Prius.
427
00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:43,840
I love having sex in Priuses
because I'm not only having sex...
428
00:18:44,013 --> 00:18:45,605
...I'm saving the environment too.
429
00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:47,874
- It's pretty cool.
- I left you 10 minutes ago.
430
00:18:48,050 --> 00:18:49,642
Hey, look what's going on here.
431
00:18:49,819 --> 00:18:53,152
ANDRE: All right, that's my boy.
TACO: She is hot.
432
00:18:53,322 --> 00:18:55,620
- Beautiful hands.
- Hey.
433
00:18:55,791 --> 00:18:56,849
You know Erica?
434
00:18:57,627 --> 00:18:58,685
Erica?
435
00:18:58,861 --> 00:19:00,829
About 5'10"? Orange dress?
436
00:19:00,997 --> 00:19:03,431
Oh, yeah, yeah. She's super hot, man.
437
00:19:03,599 --> 00:19:05,533
Oh, are we Eskimo brothers?
438
00:19:05,701 --> 00:19:07,328
- Yeah.
- She's my girlfriend.
439
00:19:07,503 --> 00:19:09,130
And you're a dead man.
440
00:19:09,305 --> 00:19:11,865
Heh. Nice Prius. Retreat.
441
00:19:12,575 --> 00:19:14,099
RUXIN:
Peyton's gonna have a huge week.
442
00:19:14,276 --> 00:19:15,641
And I got screwed.
443
00:19:15,811 --> 00:19:18,780
I mean, this is just a joke.
444
00:19:18,948 --> 00:19:20,313
I had Peyton Manning.
445
00:19:20,483 --> 00:19:22,178
Goddamn you, Pete.
446
00:19:22,351 --> 00:19:24,342
This is all your fault, Pete.
447
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:25,748
Oh, honey.
448
00:19:26,455 --> 00:19:28,514
- Hi.
- Oh, my gosh.
449
00:19:28,691 --> 00:19:30,022
It's affecting you.
450
00:19:30,192 --> 00:19:32,387
- What is?
- Pete and Meegan.
451
00:19:32,862 --> 00:19:34,227
- Right?
- Yeah.
452
00:19:34,397 --> 00:19:36,194
It's Pete and Meegan.
453
00:19:36,365 --> 00:19:38,492
- Really taking its toll.
- I know.
454
00:19:38,668 --> 00:19:41,000
You know, just Meegan and Pete...
455
00:19:41,170 --> 00:19:44,162
I hate to see anybody split up,
because I...
456
00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:47,104
You know, I care so much
about the sanctity of marriage.
457
00:19:47,276 --> 00:19:48,538
You're such a good man.
458
00:19:49,011 --> 00:19:52,572
- And we need to take care of this.
- How are we gonna do that?
459
00:19:54,550 --> 00:19:56,347
Special sex.
460
00:19:58,521 --> 00:20:03,185
So, um, let's turn this thing off
and go to bed.
461
00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:04,883
Okay.
462
00:20:05,194 --> 00:20:07,822
[NEW-AGE MUSIC
PLAYING ON COMPUTER]
463
00:20:07,997 --> 00:20:10,124
The Bounce Test, Ruxin?
464
00:20:10,299 --> 00:20:13,097
Size double D, black nude bra?
465
00:20:13,269 --> 00:20:14,896
Are you kidding me?
466
00:20:15,504 --> 00:20:17,062
No
especial sex for you.
467
00:20:17,707 --> 00:20:20,141
Not tonight, not ever.
468
00:20:23,779 --> 00:20:24,803
Oh, God.
469
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:29,917
It feels like I just have 10 pounds
of pudding inside of me.
470
00:20:32,722 --> 00:20:34,713
[WOMAN MOANING ON TV]
471
00:20:37,793 --> 00:20:39,886
I can't. I can't work out with you guys.
472
00:20:40,062 --> 00:20:41,222
This is too weird.
473
00:20:41,397 --> 00:20:44,093
- Yeah, this is weird.
- Yeah, this is gross.
474
00:20:46,435 --> 00:20:48,403
You guys mind leaving?
475
00:21:21,337 --> 00:21:22,326
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]
476
00:21:22,376 --> 00:21:26,926
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38476