All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s02e21 As You Wish.eng

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s,

I saw the movie "Princess Bride" 237 times.

Not just because it was Andre
the Giant's greatest performance,

it had magic, adventure, romance,

rodents of unusual size,

and the greatest one-liners of all time.

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father.

Prepare to die.

It wasn't enough to just
watch "The Princess Bride."

I had to experience it.

- You are better than I am.
- Then why are you smiling?

Then why are you smiling?

'Cause I know something
you don't know.

Because I know something you don't know.

I am not left-handed.

There's something I ought to tell you.

I'm not left-handed, either.

[Cardboard tubes banging]

Gah! Screw wrapping paper.

We need some real swords, dude.

Can't you ask your mom?
She never says no to you.

Sure, Dave Kim.

Let me ask my safety-crazed
mother for a deadly weapon.

Get your head in the game, dude.

Maybe you could ask your dad.

Please. He hates movies.

All he cares about are
sports and bread products.

[Gasps] Wait.

That's it.

Yes. Good.

Fill your mouth with that
delicious buttered bagel

I made you.

While I'm here, I wanted
to ask for a little favor.

- No.
- Imagine a world

where you can live out your
dream of having an athletic son

- instead of a triple-threat theater force.
- No.

Well, that world can
be yours for just $250.

- No.
- 'Cause with your help...

- No.
- ... I can become...

- you're gonna love this...
- No!

An Olympic-class fencer.

Seriously?

Of all sports, you pick
the one with a pointy sword?

You know how your mom's
crazy about eye safety. Crazy!

Please. Fencing is my dream.

I thought your dream was
to be cast as an Ewok.

I'm too big now. Things change.

- Just give me what I want.
- [Door opens]

Pops, the voice of reason.

Help me out here, will you?

Come on, Murray.

Don't be such a grump and
let the kid do it already.

You just walked in. You don't
even know what we're talking about.

Well, I know the first
thing you always say is no.

Is that what happened here? He said no?

The moron wants to fence.

I'll spend a fortune on equipment,

and he'll quit after the first match.

You know, this reminds
me of a little story.

[Sighs] Please don't tell me a story.

I'm gonna tell you a story.

When Bevy was a girl,

all she wanted was to be a ballerina.

Sadly, she was a very early bloomer.

The other little girls would
keep a wide berth around her

so if she lost her balance,

they wouldn't be crushed
beneath her enormous girl body.

Point is, watching her dance

is one of the happiest memories of my life.

Don't you want to have that with your son?

[Groans]

Why do you always have to tell

such wonderful and touching crap?

Fine.

If this is really your
dream, I'll buy you the sword.

Yes!

I'm gonna be like Luke Skywalker.

Scratch that. I'm gonna be like...

Name an athlete who's
really good at sports.

- Michael Jordan.
- Michael Jordan!

Ow! Aah!

Just poked my eye.

Oh. It's okay.

I got glasses. They protected me.

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It was April 22, 1980-something.

A typical day for my mom...

power walking and being a yenta.

You won't believe what I heard

about Gabe and Melinda Finkleman...

trial separation.

[Gasps] What?! Is he moving out?

No, he's moving into the
room above their garage

like Fonzie, only this time it's not cool.

Oh!

[Both laugh] "Ay."

A yenta is a nickname for
the world's most intrusive,

loose-lipped gossip monger.

They're the busiest of busybodies

who have a talent for making
your business their business.

Psst. Don't look.

Ginny.

It's Linda Holman.

Her son Brian is going to Cornell,

but the twin, Craig, is spending
the year traveling abroad

so he can "find himself."

Translation... he's got
a problem with reefer.

Oh. So sad.

A good yenta can dish
anytime, anywhere.

Yeah, it's amazing how
Marsha's surgery for sleep apnea

left her so top-heavy.

- You know what I mean?
- Please!

I need to talk to someone
from the outside world.

But most importantly, a yenta
is an expert matchmaker.

Miss Cinoman! Miss Cinoman, allow me.

Why, thank you, Coach Mellor.

Please. Call me Coach Rick.

Well, look at those two.

They seem to be getting along nicely.

- Don't even think about it.
- Think about what now?

You cannot set up Mellor
and Miss Cinoman, understand?

That's a guaranteed disaster for us.

Disaster!

How can bringing together

two like-minded, single adults

over chablis and assorted cheeses

possibly turn into a disaster for you?

Coach is my coach, and
whenever he feels feelings,

he makes us run laps
until we feel them, too.

And Miss Cinoman is my music teacher.

Spring fling is next
week, and I have a solo.

Don't be you and ruin this.

Go!

Put your foot on the gas and push.

Well, this is very hurtful.

As much as my mom wanted to
do right by Erica and Barry,

there was no way she
could curb her meddling

- when the perfect match was just around the corner.
- [Tires screech]

Beverly: Coach Mellor!
Hey, it's Beverly Goldberg!

Meanwhile, all I had to
do was throw one match,

and this fencing sword would
become my awesome movie prop.

Go get 'em, pal. No worries.

Just do your best out there.

Listen, I'm kind of running
a grift on my old man,

so what do you say we give him a good show

and I'll be on my merry way?

Is your dad like a bad dude or something?

Is there always this much
talking before these things?

Let's just do this, bro.

Okay, so maybe it was wrong
to screw over my dad,

but I wanted to be Inigo Montoya,

and this was the least painful way.

Oh! Aah!

Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, God! Why?!

Or so I thought.

Cut it off of me! Cut the glove off of me!

Intermission. I call intermission.

While my dad's hope
for a connection with me

took a big hit,

my mom was hoping for a love connection.

Beverly, thank you so much
for your generous donation

of unique sweaters for the holiday concert.

- Oh, it's my pleasure.
- [Doorbell rings]

Oh, well, I wonder who that could be

at this late and sexy hour, huh?

How you doing, Mrs. G?

I'm here for that large
donation of sports balls.

Of course. Come on in.

Uh, did you, uh, jog here?

You seem overheated.

If you ain't running, you ain't living.

Susan.

Coach Rick.

Do you two know each other?

Are you kidding me?

Work at William Penn Academy
and not know Susan Cinoman

is like looking at a spice rack and
not knowing actual cinnamon.

Rick is well-regarded at school

for both his mind and his body.

[Laughing] I can't
believe I just said that.

Ah, please.

That's why I eat six pounds
of fish every single day.

Feeds both.

Well, speaking of eating, uh,
would you like to just sit back

and enjoy this open bottle of
wine and beautiful cheese plate?

Sure.

Beverly: Rick, perhaps you'd
like to ask Susan something

about herself, like, um...

Oh, did you know she
used to live in Florida?

I do have many questions for Susan.

Oh.

- Are you from Florida?
- Tampa.

I have a sports background, too.

I grew up racing greyhound dogs.

You must be incredibly fast.

I can tell by the size of your calves

you got a lot of explosion.

Oh, no.

I raced them against other dogs.

Oh. Okay.

But no one's ever said
that about my calves before.

Yeah, well, I'm saying it right now.

There it was.

Another perfect match made
by a world-class yenta,

much to the dismay of the yenta's children.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I just had to bow out gracefully.

I wouldn't call that bowing out gracefully.

You made the referee carry you to the car.

She was a strong lady.

She was a strong lady.

But the good news is, is
I learned a lot today...

mostly, swords hurt
when they jab your body,

which is why I've decided
to retire from the game.

In time, I know we'll both
be glad I gave this a shot.

I have to admit

that your story about
Bevy dancing gave me hope.

For a second, I thought that me and Adam

actually found something
that we both enjoyed.

You know, this reminds me of a story.

Oh, Dear God.

I'll work through it on my own.

Yep.

I brilliantly played my dad to get a sword.

Even little bald vizzini

would've called my plan inconceivable!

Dude! These swords are badass.

How'd you get them? Simple.

I used my dad's love of sports

and the awkwardness of our
relationship to get what I wanted.

Wow.

Behind the mask and
glasses lies a devious mind.

All right, Adam and boy
whose name I can't remember.

Give me the swords.

Wait, what? Why?

You quit, so I'm returning them.

But they're used.

I spoke to the manager at Herman's sports.

He's a total hard-ass.
He won't take them back.

It's store policy, ironclad.

No, I got some divorced dad at school

who wants to buy them to
earn back his son's love,

so hand them over.

But I need them.

I mean... I have some big news.

You see, I found an even better use

for expensive sporting equipment.

Imagination.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You played me.

What?! You played me.

Don't insult me like that.

You used my love of sports

and the awkwardness of our relationship

to get what you wanted.

Well, I wouldn't use those words exactly.

You literally did a minute ago.

Shut up, Dave Kim!

My name is Dave Kim, by the way.

While I had let my dad down,

my mom was celebrating the perfect setup.

I did it, Ginny.

They stayed past 11:00
and she drove him home,

partly because he jogged to our house,

but partly because they
wanted private time.

Wow. How do you do it, Bev?

Well, I just know that opposites attract.

I mean, she's creative and artistic,

and he likes to wear
short shorts in the winter.

Wow. Well, you are just
a matchmaking wizard.

I know.

- But you can't tell anyone.
- I would never.

This is so juicy.

I know. But you cannot tell a soul.

I would never.

- [Telephone rings]
- Oh!

The only problem was that
my mom was just a single part

of an intricate web of gossiping moms.

Long before the Internet, there
was the world wide yenta-net.

It was faster than Erica and
Barry could've ever imagined.

Yo!

Dude! Did you hear?

Miss Cinoman and Mellor
are doing the wild thing.

I heard they hooked up in the
pool and now they have to drain it.

Oh, God, no. Where'd you hear that?

Everyone's talking about it.

Apparently they got busy in the band room

and now they got to
throw away all the oboes.

Oh, this is bad.

Your dopey friends have the
biggest mouths in school.

No, no, no, they're cool.

I promise you it's not as bad as we think.

Everybody stop your gossiping!

Nobody wants to hear about Susan Cinoman

mashing parts with that neanderthal.

Get to class.

Yeah, it's bad.

It's come to my attention

that there's been some...
inappropriate behavior

with members of our faculty.

I am offended to my very core

that my integrity would be questioned.

- We kissed!
- Coach Rick.

It absolutely happened.

Big time.

[Chuckles]

I actually have a question.

Why am I here?

You are here because you
caused this kerfuffle.

Now, I don't want to mention any names,

but there is another faculty
member that has complained,

and our school's bylaws state
teachers can't fraternize.

Love don't care about bylaws.

That is beautiful, Coach.

What... He just said doesn't mean anything.

Ok, one of the two of you

is going to have to
take a leave of absence.

If someone must go, then let it be me.

I will be the one who goes
gently into that good night.

Hooray, it's settled. So,
Cinoman's out, Mellor's in.

Silver lining.

Now we can go make out in the supply closet

without fear of punishment.

- [Laughs]
- [Growls]

No. Still not okay.

Being an all-knowing yenta,
my mom knew exactly

who complained
about her matchmaking.

- It was this man.
- [Sneezes]

- Gah. Aah! Oh!
- The lonely and bitter Mr. Woodburn.

- Damn it!
- The only solution...

find a match for him, too.

59 cents worth of noodles down the drain.

If anybody could get it done,
it was Beverly Goldberg.

Can't be done.

While my mother was determined
to open Mr. Woodburn's heart,

I was determined to open my dad's eyes

to "The Princess Bride."

Look, I know I manipulated you

into spending hundreds of
your hard-earned dollars

on swords to re-create
an epic movie scene,

and for that, I'd like to say my mistake.

Oh! Well, as long as it's
your mistake, all is forgiven.

I can sense your sarcasm,

but I think once you see that movie,

you'll be so freaking delighted

that you'll have no
choice but to forgive me.

I'm not watching that damn movie.

Do you like romance, pirates,
wizards, Mandy Patinkin?

That's a hard no to all those things.

But what I do like is my money well spent,

and that's why I'm
gonna force you to fence.

But I'll get poked again,
and it stings a little!

Pops, you're the voice of reason.

Help me out here.

Not after the way you
manipulated your father, kiddo.

That was a real putz move.

Look, I can't fence.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

Lucky for you,

I got a way you can learn
everything about everything.

The encyclopedia? That's
your brilliant answer?

Yes. "F" for fencing.

Now learn, damn it.

Yep, back before Google
and Wikipedia,

the only way to look stuff up

was a set of really boring
books that covered a lot,

but said a little.

There, fencing. You're welcome.

There's just a small paragraph.

I'll learn nothing from this.

"Z" for Zorro. He was a great fence man.

Oh, please, Zorro sucks.

Don't you dare knock
Zorro! He is a man of honor.

Then why is he wearing that stupid mask?

- What's he hiding?
- All I'm saying is

Zorro had enough skill to
sign a "Z" wherever he went.

A "Z"!

Even I can sign a "Z."

Oh, I'd like to see that.

Gladly.

[Grunting] Oh!

What'd you do that for?!

Don't just stand there!

We're in "F." Find "first aid."

Oh, you moron!

While my dad was feeling
the pain of my blade,

Miss Cinoman was gone,

and to Coach, that
was as stab in the heart.

[Voice breaking] Hustle up,
Goldberg! Pick up the pace!

Coach, are you crying?

You only get one cry in
life, son, and this ain't it.

Now run till your heart explodes,

'cause... Mine just did.

As Coach Mellor was barely
holding it together,

the school choir had
completely fallen apart

without Miss Cinoman.

Now... I know you're all
wondering what qualifications

does your principal
have to teach you music?

Well, rest assured, I was a baritone

in my high-school barbershop quartet,

the dapper Dougs.

Isn't your name Earl?

Yes, but we had a Doug
and he was very assertive.

Sorry.

Now, match my pitch.

[Note plays]

[All humming]
let's go-o-o-o

No, you're [Deep voice] down here.

[High voice]
I'm up here

[Deep voice]
you're down here

[Note plays]

[Door slams]

Your yenta-ing has ruined our lives.

Coach Mellor cancelled
our next wrestling match.

He said without love,
what's the point of sports?

I lost my solo.

Even worse, I'm the bass
in a barbershop quartet.

Principal ball chose me over Matt Ramer,

and he's a dude, a big dude.

Okay.

I admit I may have over-yenta'd,
and for that, I'm sorry.

But lucky for you,

your mama's already in the
kitchen cooking up a plan.

She had a plan, all right.

Okay, what have we got, people?

And that plan was to find love
for my jealous science teacher.

Leads for Woodburn. Talk to me.

We're thinking Edna Bishop.

Engaged. Next.

Betty Garellick.

Engaged. Next.

Ruth Applebaum!

Moved to Jersey. Come on.

I think I might know someone.

Who? Her name is Gail Kaufman.

She works with me at Gimbels.

She's super clumsy and
dresses in primary brown

and always talks about her pet lizard.

[All murmur, light laughter]

But more than anything,
I just get the feeling

they would really like
each other, you know?

I do know.

Oh, and she doesn't have a ring.

How do I even know that?

Because all yentas know.

[Laughter]

Oh, my God. You're one of them!

Oh, don't you dare say that.

But it's true.

Oh, schmoopie, I'm so proud of you!

Don't be proud. 'Cause I'm not a yenta.

Beverly: Don't be ashamed. It's a gift.

Hey.

How's your throat skin?

You, uh, stabbed it with a
sword, so it feels like that.

Here, you can sell this.

I'm sorry I lied and stuff.

It's fine. This whole thing was a mess.

I guess I was just
excited about the overlap.

The what?

The overlap.

You know, you like dumb
movies, I like awesome sports,

and this fencing thing
was finally something

we could both enjoy...

At least I thought it was.

He was right.

This was no longer about some silly sword.

It was about sharing something with my dad,

and I had to fix it.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

Maybe I could give it one more try.

Honestly, you don't have to.

I do.

And you know what? I
might even surprise you.

And so, I set out to become
like every brave warrior

who ever wielded a sword.

The time had come to be a real hero,

not just play one from a movie.

Sadly, fighting for real was way harder

than the stage combat class
I took at theater camp.

- You won, gosh dang it!
- Ah!

It was 4-0, and if
I was gonna win this match,

I'd need more
than an encyclopedia.

I needed a miracle.

[Sighs] Thank God.

Pops, just the man I wanted to see.

Tell me what to do.

Hey, look, you got a
nickel in your face mask.

Not the nickel trick now!

I got stabbed in the face.

I need advice... real life-saving advice.

Adam, let's just go home.

You'll do your "Princess Bride" thing.

Of course. That was my answer...

the very movie that brought
me here in the first place.

Just like Inigo Montoya,

I'd rise up and fight
in the name of my father!

"The Pincess Bride."

That's it.

Back for more?

[Imitates Inigo Montoya]
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

What now?

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Dude, what is your deal?

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Your father is right there.

He sold us our sectional.

Attaboy, kiddo!

[Murray laughs]

My son's gonna be in the Olympics!

In the Olympics!

I wasn't,

but I was still a champion to my dad.

And even though Erica refused
to admit she was a yenta...

She got her solo back thanks
to the matchmaking skills

she learned from my mom.

Erica, thank you for telling
me about the big sale...

on brown pants and shirts.

Of course.

Could I get my co-worker to help
you? I'm kind of slammed today.

Gail, would you mind helping
my friend here find some slacks?

Hi.

I bet you'd be interested to know

Gail here has a giant lizard.

Emerald tree or spiny-tailed?

I'll tell you all about it
while you try on some corduroys.

- Okay.
- Okay.

This way.

- Schmoopie.
- Oh, no.

No proud hugs.

[Chuckles] I'm not a yenta.

Not even a little yenta?

Do you want to hide in a dressing room

so we can hear what they're talking about?

We'll stop by housewares

and get a glass to press against the wall.

Move, move, move.

Once Mr. Woodburn had conveniently

met his perfect match,

he didn't care so much about
Miss Cinoman and Coach Rick.

And that's the power of the yenta.

Despite the gossip
and meddling...

All they really want is
to find each single person

somebody to love.

Coach, are you crying?

You only get one cry in
life, son, and this is it.

Can we stop running now?

Even though I grew up in a small town...

We still had our fair share
of adventure and romance.

And while my dad wasn't much for either...

We still managed to find our overlap.

'Cause that's the thing about family.

Sometimes they demand a lot,
but you love them so much...

You can't help but give in
and say, "as you wish."

Dad, what are you...

I, uh, watched the movie, and it's not bad.

[Chuckles]

Okay, let's, uh, get this over with.

Okay. So, come over here.

Stand right there and
try and look enormous.

There we go.

Helen Schur says her son
is working on Wall Street.

I just saw him bagging
groceries at Walmart.

[Groans] I need the phone!

You've literally been
on it for seven hours!

I'm telling you Dottie
Anderson's leg... 100% wood.

4 carats my ass, Linda Schwartz.

We all know she's sporting a cubic Z.

Oh, they don't own that
house. They're renters.

Said that. You said that. You said that.

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