Original subtitles

HOME CHOPPING NETWORK

WELL, KIDDIES,

I'M AFRAID OUR DESIGNER HANGER OFFER HAS EXPIRED.

WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE GET MR. DE LA RENTA

OUT OF HERE?

NEXT UP ON THE HOME CHOPPING NETWORK.

IT'S TIME FOR THE CRYPT KEEPER'S FASHION BOO-TIQUE.

TODAY, WE FEATURING MY FULL LINE

OF APR�S VIE DEATH CARE PRODUCTS.

WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING FROM FACE-SCREAM

TO MAS-SCARE-A.

TRY SOME.

IT'S THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR...

DEM-ISE. HEE HEE HEE HEE!

OR MAYBE I COULD INTEREST YOU

IN TONIGHT'S SPECIAL.

IT'S A TASTELESS TIDBIT

ABOUT A TRAVELING CEMETERY PLOT SALESMAN

WHO'S ABOUT TO MAKE A GRAVE MISTAKE.

I CALL IT DEATH OF SOME SALESMEN.

DEATH OF SOME SALESMEN

HA. EB JONES, COME ON DOWN.

YOU'RE UP ALREADY.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

ALMOST 6:00 A.M.

HASH-SLINGIN' TIME.

HASH-SLINGIN'...

I TOLD YOU LAST NIGHT I'M THROUGH

WITH THAT GODDAMN COFFEE SHOP.

I'M GOING WITH YOU. ISN'T THAT WHAT WE SAID?

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A LITTLE CHANGE OF PLANS.

BUT WE SAID LAST NIGHT.

LAST NIGHT WAS LAST NIGHT.

SO YOU LIED TO ME.

NO, YOU SAID YOU WANTED

TO GET OUT OF THIS STINKING LITTLE BURG

AND I SOLD YOU A WAY TO DO IT.

FOR THE NIGHT.

NOW IT'S MORNING. AND THE WARRANTY'S EXPIRED.

DAMN YOU!

OH, SPARE ME THE TEARS, OK, SWEETHEART?

BUT YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME.

YES. YES. I SAID I LOVED YOU,

AND YOU DROPPED YOUR LITTLE PANTIES.

IT'S CALLED SALESMANSHIP.

YOU MUST BE MRS. JONES.

YES, I AM.

I'M JUDD CAMPBELL FROM THE RESTFUL HILLS MEMORIAL PARK.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE EXACTLY THE WAY YOUR HUSBAND SAID YOU ARE.

IS HE HERE?

WELL, NO. HE PASSED ON A FEW DAYS AGO.

THE FUNERAL WAS YESTERDAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I--JUST LAST MONDAY, I SAW HIM...

IT'S LIKE HE SAW IT COMING.

HE DID. HE HAD CANCER.

WELL, I KNOW THAT, BUT...

MONDAY, HE PUTS A DOWN PAYMENT ON A NEW CEMETERY PLOT.

AND THEN SUDDENLY...

DID YOU SAY HE PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON A CEMETERY PLOT?

$250.

FOR BOTH YOU AND HIM.

WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT TO ME.

WELL, HE WANTED IT TO BE A SURPRISE.

HE PICKED THIS SPOT RIGHT HERE.

HE WANTED YOU TO BE AMONG THE FIRST

TO ENJOY ETERNAL REST AMIDST ALL THAT BEAUTY.

SHAME. HE WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT

THE BENEFITS PACKAGE, TOO.

FUNERAL EXPENSES, PLUS 10,000 CASH.

HE LOVED YOU SO MUCH.

$10,000?

YEAH.

I'LL ARRANGE FOR YOU TO GET FULL A REFUND,

WHEN I GET BACK TO THE OFFICE,

OF THE $250 DEPOSIT.

OH, BUT, UM, ISN'T THERE SOME WAY

THAT I COULD GET THE BENEFITS?

I DON'T SEE HOW.

YOUR HUSBAND HAS ALREADY PASSED ON.

WELL, WHAT IF I PAID YOU THE MONEY?

MA'AM, THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.

I DON'T SEE WHY.

MY HUSBAND INTENDED TO PAY YOU THE MONEY.

WHAT IF HE'D ALREADY SENT IT?

NOW, LOOK. I COULD PAY YOU THE MONEY NOW,

IN CASH.

AND WHO'S TO KNOW WHEN YOU GOT IT?

OH, PLEASE.

THE FUNERAL WAS SO EXPENSIVE.

AND EB DIDN'T LEAVE ME HARDLY A PIG'S WHISTLE.

ISN'T THERE SOME WAY?

HOW MUCH DID HE OWE YOU?

ANOTHER $250.

PFFT. I DON'T KNOW.

I SUPPOSE IF IT WERE CASH.

OH, I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.

BOING.

I'M AFRAID I-- I ONLY HAVE $187.

OOH.

THAT'S ALL I GOT IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

ISN'T THERE SOME WAY?

MRS. JONES, YOU'RE SUCH A NICE LADY.

I'LL FIND A WAY.

OH, BLESS YOU.

BLESS YOU.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YOU MUST BE MRS. COMFRY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE EXACTLY THE WAY YOUR HUSBAND SAID YOU WERE.

HE'S A VERY LUCKY MAN.

MRS. WHO?

MRS. COMFRY.

THERE'S NOBODY HERE BY THAT NAME.

WH-WH--ISN'T THIS 2465 MAPLE STREET?

NO.

THIS HERE IS MAPLE DRIVE.

MAPLE STREET IS WAY ACROSS TOWN.

OH. MY MISTAKE.

END OF THE DAY. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

BYE.

YOUNG MAN.

ARE YOU SELLING SOMETHING?

AS A MATTER OF FACT...

BECAUSE AT RESTFUL HILLS,

WE BELIEVE THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES

SHOULD BE ABLE TO REST IN PEACE BEFORE AS WELL AS AFTER.

OH, IT SOUNDS SO NICE.

I DO HAVE A LOVELY BROCHURE THAT I'D--

I'M SORRY. I DON'T WANT PA TO MISS THIS.

PA!

OH, WHERE IS THAT OLD GOAT?

PA!

WHERE IN TARNATION ARE YOU?

HONESTLY.

HOLD YOUR HORSES, MA!

I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DIGGING!

OH, WE GOT COMPANY.

MR. CAMPBELL'S A SALESMAN, PA.

A SALESMAN!

AIN'T THAT NICE?!

IN THE OLD DAYS,

TRAVELING SALESMEN USED TO COME BY ALL THE TIME.

OF COURSE, NOWADAYS, EVERYBODY STAYS HOME,

DOES THEIR SHOPPING ON THE TV.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT TO ME IT JUST AIN'T THE SAME.

NO.

WELL, SIT YOURSELF.

SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

BUYING THINGS LONG DISTANCE,

YOU KNOW, YOU LOSE THAT HUMAN CONNECTION.

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

AND WHEN THE PRODUCT COMES...

SHUT UP, MA.

THE YOUNG MAN DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK.

LET HIM GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

I'LL DO JUST THAT, SIR.

AT RESTFUL HILLS MEMORIAL PARK--

THAT SOME KIND OF CEMETERY?

WE CALL OURSELVES A MEMORIAL PARK.

WHAT WE DO IS A WHOLE NEW CONCEPT

THAT TRIES TO BRING PEACE TO YOUR LOVED ONES

BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER YOUR DEMISE.

FOR STARTERS, WE FOUND A PIECE OF PROPERTY,

NORTH SIDE OF TOWN,

THAT WILL JUST KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.

LOOK AT THIS. ISN'T THAT GORGEOUS?

OH, IT SURE IS!

IT LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT PLACE TO SPEND ETERNITY.

IT DOES LOOK RESTFUL, DOESN'T IT?

IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE THE WHOLE FAMILY

WILL ENJOY COMING TO TO PAY THEIR LAST RESPECTS,

AND THAT IN TURN, MAKES THE PROCESS OF MOURNING

JUST PLAIN EASIER ON EVERYONE.

NOW, ISN'T THAT A NICE IDEA, PA?

WHEN DOES THE BEFOREHAND STUFF COME IN?

THAT'S-- THAT'S VERY SMART, SIR.

THE BEFOREHAND PART

COMES WITH THE DEATH BENEFITS PACKAGE.

NOW, FOR A SMALL, NOMINAL FEE,

WE PAY AT THE TIME OF DEMISE,

FULL FUNERAL EXPENSES,

PLUS A DEATH BENEFIT OF $10,000 CASH.

THAT WAY, YOU KNOW YOUR LOVED ONES

ARE GOING TO BE TAKEN CARE OF BEFOREHAND.

HOW NOMINAL?

$500 BUYS EVERYTHING FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.

$500? THAT'S ALL?

OF COURSE, WE DO HAVE THE EXTENDED DEATH BENEFIT

OF $20,000.

AND THAT'LL ONLY COST YOU 750.

$750 BUYS YOU $20,000?

NO. YOU'RE BOTH COVERED.

SO WE'RE TALKING $40,000.

OHH.

OH, WELL.

WE CAN'T SAY NO TO THAT, CAN WE?

WE'LL DO IT.

GREAT. I'LL DRAW UP THE PAPERWORK.

OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE TO SEE IT FIRST.

SEE?

SEE WHAT THE CEMETERY PLOT LOOKS LIKE.

WE LIKE TO SEE A THING WORK BEFORE WE BUY IT.

WELL, IT, UM, IT LOOKS PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS.

CAN'T BUY NOTHING TILL WE SEE IT FIRST.

OK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

I'M GOING TO SUBMIT YOUR PAPERWORK WITH THE PAYMENT,

AND I'M GOING TO COME BACK TOMORROW,

I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU THERE MYSELF.

HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

SURE THING.

I EXPECT YOU'D LIKE ME AND MA TO GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND GET YOU SOME MONEY.

YOU TAKE CASH?

I PREFER CASH. IT SPEEDS UP THE PROCESS.

WELL, WE WON'T BE BUT A MINUTE.

AHH.

YOU WANT SOME COFFEE OR SOMETHING?

YEAH.

IF YOU'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD ALL DAY,

I EXPECT YOU COULD USE A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP.

COME ON NOW, MA!

WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP THE YOUNG MAN!

COMING, PA.

I'M AFRAID YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE!

I SAY WE KILL HIM NOW.

I WON'T LET YOU DO IT, PA.

DAMN IT, WOMAN.

I'M TIRED OF YOU ARGUING WITH ME.

IF I WANT HIM DEAD, HE'S DEAD!

AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!

DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME, OLD MAN,

OR I'LL HAVE HIDE.

BESIDES, IT WOULDN'T BE POLITE TO KILL HIM

UNTIL HE WAKES UP.

ANYWAY, I THINK WYNONA SHOULD HAVE A LOOK AT HIM FIRST.

OH, GET OFF OF IT.

HE AIN'T GONNA WANT HER.

AIN'T NOBODY IN WYNONA'S WHOLE UGLY

GODDAMN LIFE EVER WANTED HER.

I'D LIKE HER TO BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

HELL. IF SHE DO WANT HIM, I DON'T.

I DON'T WANT NO GODDAMN SALESMAN IN THE FAMILY.

NOBODY CARES WHO YOU WANT IN THIS FAMILY.

BESIDES, ONLY SALESMEN EVER COME TO THIS PLACE.

AND THIS ONE SEEMED ESPECIALLY NICE.

OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

AND IF THIS IS WYNONA'S ONLY CHANCE

AT A LITTLE HAPPINESS,

THEN I'M WANT TO GIVE IT TO HER.

WELL, IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN

'CAUSE HE AIN'T GONNA WANT HER.

HEY, YOU! WAKE UP!

WAKE UP, DAMN IT!

AARGH!

HE'S UP!

PLEASE LET ME GO.

WHY?

SO'S YOU CAN RUN OFF TO THE POLICE...

TELL THEM ALL ABOUT US?

NO. I WON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHO THOSE OTHER GUYS ARE.

WELL, THEY'RE SALESMEN, LIKE YOU.

LIKE THAT GUY WHAT SOLD US THE CRUMMY MICROWAVE...

DIDN'T WORK.

AND THE VACUUM! AND THE COLOR TV!

WASN'T NO COLOR TV TILL I FIXED IT!

NOW IT'S A COLOR TV!

GAH!

REALLY...

I WON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

YOU CAN LET ME GO.

AND WHY WOULD I TRUST YOU?

YOU'RE A SALESMAN,

AND A SALESMAN AIN'T NOTHING BUT A THIEF

TRYING SUCKERING PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR HARD-EARNED MONEY

MAKING THEM BUY THINGS THEY NEITHER WANT NOR NEED!

WELL, WE'VE BEEN TOOK ONE TIME TOO MANY,

AND IF WE HAVE TO KILL EVERY LAST GODDAMN SALESMAN

ON THE GODDAMN PLANET, SO BET IT!

NOW, DON'T YOU GET TOO EXCITED, PA.

WE AIN'T DOING NOTHING

TILL WYNONA SEES HIM FIRST.

DAMN GIRL'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

COME ALONG, MA.

GODDAMN GIRL.

ARE YOU...

WYNONA?

WYNONA'S SUCH A NICE NAME.

MY--MY MOTHER'S NAME WAS WYNONA,

AND SHE WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL.

YOU PLAY THAT VERY WELL.

ANYONE EVER TELL YOU THAT?

HOW, UH, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT WHEN I HEAR IT.

WHY DON'T COME ON OVER HERE

WHERE I CAN SEE YOU?

MAYBE I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME.

HEH HEH HEH. I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE CASE AT ALL.

I THINK YOU WANT ME TO SEE YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW, I HARDLY KNOW YOU, WYNONA.

BUT I CAN HEAR YOUR LONELINESS.

I KNOW THAT LONELINESS.

IT SITS ON MY SHOULDER AND IT PECKS AT MY HEART.

IS THAT HOW YOU FEEL, WYNONA?

YOU SURE DO TALK PRETTY.

LET'S YOU AND ME HAVE A TALK THEN, FACE TO FACE.

O.K...

FACE TO FACE.

OH!

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

THE LAST THING I AM IS BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT IS BEAUTY, ANYWAY?

THE MONA LISA HAS NOTHING ON YOU.

WHAT IS THAT, UM, THAT PERFUME YOU'RE WEARING?

NOT WEARING ANY.

I AIN'T WASHED IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

THAT IS SO...

EARTHY.

I LOVE IT.

THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

I'VE FALLEN HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

YOU DON'T LOVE ME.

NO, I DO. I DO.

JUST TAKE THESE OFF AND LET ME PROVE IT.

I DON'T HAVE THE KEYS.

AND EVEN IF'N I DID--

YOU GOT TO LET ME PROVE IT.

IF YOU DON'T LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU,

I SWEAR I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY.

YOU REALLY THINK I'M LIKE THE MONA LISA?

WHO CARES WHY THE MONA LISA'S SMILING THAT WAY?

I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOU SMILE.

I WANT TO DEDICATE MYSELF--

OH, THIS IS SO... LOVELY.

I HATE THIS ROOM. I HATE THIS WHOLE HOUSE.

UH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S STRANGE HOW I FEEL NOW.

GIDDY, LIKE A KID.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WANT TO SEE THESE "LOVE FEELINGS."

THE KIND OF LOVE I'M TALKING ABOUT IS DIFFERENT.

IT'S DEEPER.

ACTION'S ALL I BELIEVE IN.

THIS LOVE TALK IS VERY NICE,

BUT THE BODY NEVER LIES.

NOW!

LET'S SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME!

I SWEAR I LOVE YOU.

ISN'T THAT GOOD ENOUGH?

YOU STILL LOVE ME?

SO, SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME.

COURSE IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME,

I'LL JUST HAVE TO GIVE YOU BACK TO PA

AND LET HIM DEAL WITH YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

YEAH.

I DIDN'T THINK--

WAIT.

WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

I THINK YOU DO LOVE ME.

THAT WAS...

AMAZING.

THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE SEX

I'VE EVER HAD.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?

ALL THOSE SALESMEN.

EXCEPT NONE OF THEM DID WHAT YOU DID.

OR LIKE YOU DID.

YOU DO LOVE ME, DON'T YOU?

LIKE YOU SAID, THE BODY NEVER LIES.

THE QUESTION IS,

DO YOU LOVE ME?

OF COURSE, I LOVE YOU.

I AIN'T GONNA LET MY DADDY HURT YOU,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

IF WE GOT MARRIED,

YOU'D GET MY DOWRY,

AND THEY'D LET YOU GO,

AND WE COULD RUN AWAY AND BE HAPPY TOGETHER.

I HATE IT HERE.

MA AND PA TREAT ME SO MEAN.

DID YOU SAY DOWRY?

YEAH.

PA'S GOT IT BURIED IN THE BASEMENT.

IT'S THE MONEY FROM ALL THOSE SALESMEN.

IT MUST BE $40-, $50,000.

YES.

YES, LET'S...

LET'S GET MARRIED.

MA! PA!

I'M GETTIN' HITCHED!

YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS THING?

ABSOLUTELY.

I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER.

AND I LOVE HIM, PA.

LET'S GET THIS STARTED.

AREN'T WE GONNA HAVE A PREACHER?

PA IS A PREACHER.

DO YOU, JUDD CAMPBELL,

TAKE MY DAUGHTER, WYNONA BRACKETT,

TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?

I DO.

AND DO YOU, WYNONA,

TAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

YOU BET I DO, PA.

LET'S HAVE THE RING, MA.

THANK YOU.

IF YOU'LL PLACE THIS RING ON WYNONA'S--

WAIT A MINUTE, PA.

AIN'T YOU GONNA TAKE THESE HANDCUFFS OFF?

HE'S MARRYING ME.

YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE

WALKING AROUND WITH THESE THINGS ON?

SHE'S RIGHT, PA.

IF'N HE'S WILLING TO MARRY HER,

IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.

WELL, I GUESS.

NO. I AIN'T GONNA.

I'LL MARRY HIM TO YOU,

BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS IT GOES.

BUT...

PA.

IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS, WYNONA.

I'M STILL GOING TO HAVE TO SHOOT HIM.

HE'S A SALESMAN. HE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

DAMN YOU, PA!

IT'S MY FIRST CHANCE OF HAPPINESS I GOT.

AND YOU AIN'T GONNA KILL THAT.

NO!

PRIN-PRINCESS.

WYNONA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WYNONA?

WYNONA, YOU KILLED HIM!

UNH. UHH.

WHOA!

LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU, DARLIN'.

NOW, LET'S GO GET THAT DOWRY!

HERE'S WHERE IT IS.

GREAT.

OH! BY THE WAY, I HAVE A LITTLE

WEDDING PRESENT FOR YOU, MY LOVE.

UGLY BITCH.

WHAT THE HELL?

YOU FIND SOMETHING DOWN THERE, YOUNG MAN?

YOU KNOW, MA.

THE YOUNG MAN'S RIGHT.

THIS SURE IS A MIGHTY NICE CEMETERY PLOT.

BUT I--BUT...

THE VIEW AIN'T MUCH,

BUT I THINK HE'LL REST IN PEACE

JUST THE SAME.

WYNONA?

YOU GOING TO PAY YOUR RESPECTS OR WHAT?

I SURE HOPE I CAN GET THIS FAKE BLOOD

OUT OF MY DRESS.

OH, JUST THROW IT IN THE NEW WASHING MACHINE

THAT OTHER NICE SALESMAN BROUGHT US.

HA HA HA.

YOU...

YOU LIED TO ME, ALL OF YOU.

LIED?

NOW, THAT AIN'T A NICE THING TO SAY.

BESIDES, 'TWEREN'T NO LIE AT ALL.

NO, SIR.

IT'S CALLED...

SALESMANSHIP!

NO SALE

GOOD OLD JUDD. JUST ANOTHER SATISFIED GHOST-IMER.

I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY.

THE FAMILY THAT SLAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER.

WE COME NOW TO ONE OF MY FAVORITE ITEMS--

THE AMAZING CRYPT KEEPER SLASH-O-MATIC.

IT'S MORE THAN JUST A KNIFE,

IT PEELS, IT CUTS, MAKES FABULOUS FRENCH FRIES.

IT SLICES, IT DICES, IT--