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1
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,880
HOME CHOPPING NETWORK
2
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,767
WELL, KIDDIES,
3
00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:30,567
I'M AFRAID OUR
DESIGNER HANGER
OFFER HAS EXPIRED.
4
00:01:30,567 --> 00:01:32,734
WOULD SOMEBODY
PLEASE GET
MR. DE LA RENTA
5
00:01:32,734 --> 00:01:33,734
OUT OF HERE?
6
00:01:34,734 --> 00:01:36,901
NEXT UP ON THE
HOME CHOPPING NETWORK.
7
00:01:36,901 --> 00:01:40,300
IT'S TIME FOR
THE CRYPT KEEPER'S
FASHION BOO-TIQUE.
8
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,067
TODAY, WE FEATURING
MY FULL LINE
9
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:45,167
OF APR�S VIE
DEATH CARE PRODUCTS.
10
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,834
WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING
FROM FACE-SCREAM
11
00:01:47,834 --> 00:01:49,801
TO MAS-SCARE-A.
12
00:01:49,801 --> 00:01:51,400
TRY SOME.
13
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,267
IT'S THE BEST THING
YOU CAN DO FOR...
14
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:57,634
DEM-ISE.
HEE HEE HEE HEE!
15
00:01:57,634 --> 00:01:59,968
OR MAYBE I COULD
INTEREST YOU
16
00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:01,901
IN TONIGHT'S SPECIAL.
17
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:03,300
IT'S A TASTELESS TIDBIT
18
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:06,267
ABOUT A TRAVELING
CEMETERY PLOT SALESMAN
19
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:09,934
WHO'S ABOUT TO MAKE
A GRAVE MISTAKE.
20
00:02:09,934 --> 00:02:14,133
I CALL IT DEATH
OF SOME SALESMEN.
21
00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:22,572
DEATH OF SOME SALESMEN
22
00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:16,467
HA. EB JONES,
COME ON DOWN.
23
00:03:24,734 --> 00:03:25,934
YOU'RE UP ALREADY.
24
00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:29,100
WHAT TIME IS IT?
25
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:31,767
ALMOST 6:00 A.M.
26
00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:33,234
HASH-SLINGIN' TIME.
27
00:03:33,234 --> 00:03:34,868
HASH-SLINGIN'...
28
00:03:34,868 --> 00:03:36,300
I TOLD YOU LAST NIGHT
I'M THROUGH
29
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,200
WITH THAT GODDAMN
COFFEE SHOP.
30
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,901
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
ISN'T THAT WHAT WE SAID?
31
00:03:40,901 --> 00:03:44,200
WELL, THERE'S BEEN A
LITTLE CHANGE OF PLANS.
32
00:03:46,467 --> 00:03:47,934
BUT WE SAID LAST NIGHT.
33
00:03:47,934 --> 00:03:50,634
LAST NIGHT
WAS LAST NIGHT.
34
00:03:50,634 --> 00:03:52,501
SO YOU LIED TO ME.
35
00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:54,400
NO, YOU SAID
YOU WANTED
36
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,100
TO GET OUT OF THIS
STINKING LITTLE BURG
37
00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:57,868
AND I SOLD YOU
A WAY TO DO IT.
38
00:03:57,868 --> 00:03:59,100
FOR THE NIGHT.
39
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:02,601
NOW IT'S MORNING. AND
THE WARRANTY'S EXPIRED.
40
00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:06,434
DAMN YOU!
41
00:04:06,434 --> 00:04:10,267
OH, SPARE ME THE TEARS,
OK, SWEETHEART?
42
00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:12,200
BUT YOU SAID
YOU LOVED ME.
43
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,300
YES. YES.
I SAID I LOVED YOU,
44
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:18,200
AND YOU DROPPED
YOUR LITTLE PANTIES.
45
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,133
IT'S CALLED SALESMANSHIP.
46
00:05:03,501 --> 00:05:05,267
YOU MUST BE
MRS. JONES.
47
00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:06,834
YES, I AM.
48
00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:09,367
I'M JUDD CAMPBELL
FROM THE RESTFUL HILLS
MEMORIAL PARK.
49
00:05:09,367 --> 00:05:11,734
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE EXACTLY THE WAY
YOUR HUSBAND SAID YOU ARE.
50
00:05:11,734 --> 00:05:13,200
IS HE HERE?
51
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,367
WELL, NO.
HE PASSED ON
A FEW DAYS AGO.
52
00:05:16,367 --> 00:05:19,234
THE FUNERAL
WAS YESTERDAY.
53
00:05:19,234 --> 00:05:20,934
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
54
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:23,868
I--JUST LAST MONDAY,
I SAW HIM...
55
00:05:23,868 --> 00:05:25,467
IT'S LIKE
HE SAW IT COMING.
56
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:27,601
HE DID.
HE HAD CANCER.
57
00:05:27,601 --> 00:05:29,067
WELL, I KNOW THAT,
BUT...
58
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:33,133
MONDAY, HE PUTS
A DOWN PAYMENT ON
A NEW CEMETERY PLOT.
59
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,701
AND THEN SUDDENLY...
60
00:05:35,701 --> 00:05:40,801
DID YOU SAY HE PUT
A DOWN PAYMENT ON
A CEMETERY PLOT?
61
00:05:40,801 --> 00:05:42,467
$250.
62
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,968
FOR BOTH YOU
AND HIM.
63
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:46,934
WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT IT TO ME.
64
00:05:46,934 --> 00:05:49,968
WELL, HE WANTED IT
TO BE A SURPRISE.
65
00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:52,300
HE PICKED THIS SPOT
RIGHT HERE.
66
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,734
HE WANTED YOU
TO BE AMONG THE FIRST
67
00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:57,734
TO ENJOY ETERNAL REST
AMIDST ALL THAT BEAUTY.
68
00:05:57,734 --> 00:05:59,567
SHAME. HE WAS
SO EXCITED ABOUT
69
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:00,901
THE BENEFITS
PACKAGE, TOO.
70
00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:04,100
FUNERAL EXPENSES,
PLUS 10,000 CASH.
71
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,234
HE LOVED YOU
SO MUCH.
72
00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:07,567
$10,000?
73
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,067
YEAH.
74
00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:10,534
I'LL ARRANGE FOR YOU
TO GET FULL A REFUND,
75
00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:11,834
WHEN I GET BACK
TO THE OFFICE,
76
00:06:11,834 --> 00:06:14,400
OF THE $250 DEPOSIT.
77
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,000
OH, BUT, UM,
ISN'T THERE SOME WAY
78
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,501
THAT I COULD GET
THE BENEFITS?
79
00:06:19,501 --> 00:06:21,234
I DON'T SEE HOW.
80
00:06:21,234 --> 00:06:23,567
YOUR HUSBAND HAS
ALREADY PASSED ON.
81
00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:27,734
WELL, WHAT IF
I PAID YOU THE MONEY?
82
00:06:27,734 --> 00:06:30,133
MA'AM, THAT
WOULD BE ILLEGAL.
83
00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:32,334
I DON'T SEE WHY.
84
00:06:32,334 --> 00:06:36,167
MY HUSBAND INTENDED
TO PAY YOU THE MONEY.
85
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:37,934
WHAT IF HE'D
ALREADY SENT IT?
86
00:06:37,934 --> 00:06:40,734
NOW, LOOK.
I COULD PAY YOU
THE MONEY NOW,
87
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,934
IN CASH.
88
00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:45,601
AND WHO'S TO KNOW
WHEN YOU GOT IT?
89
00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:48,100
OH, PLEASE.
90
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,934
THE FUNERAL WAS
SO EXPENSIVE.
91
00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:54,434
AND EB DIDN'T LEAVE ME
HARDLY A PIG'S WHISTLE.
92
00:06:54,434 --> 00:06:56,434
ISN'T THERE SOME WAY?
93
00:06:56,434 --> 00:06:58,200
HOW MUCH DID HE OWE YOU?
94
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,767
ANOTHER $250.
95
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:02,267
PFFT.
I DON'T KNOW.
96
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:04,334
I SUPPOSE
IF IT WERE CASH.
97
00:07:04,334 --> 00:07:07,734
OH, I'LL GET IT
FOR YOU.
98
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,667
BOING.
99
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:26,701
I'M AFRAID I--
I ONLY HAVE $187.
100
00:07:26,701 --> 00:07:27,734
OOH.
101
00:07:27,734 --> 00:07:29,334
THAT'S ALL I GOT
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
102
00:07:29,334 --> 00:07:31,734
ISN'T THERE SOME WAY?
103
00:07:31,734 --> 00:07:35,834
MRS. JONES, YOU'RE
SUCH A NICE LADY.
104
00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:37,434
I'LL FIND A WAY.
105
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,334
OH, BLESS YOU.
106
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:41,767
BLESS YOU.
107
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,501
CAN I HELP YOU?
108
00:08:15,501 --> 00:08:18,534
YOU MUST BE
MRS. COMFRY.
109
00:08:18,534 --> 00:08:21,033
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE EXACTLY
THE WAY YOUR HUSBAND
SAID YOU WERE.
110
00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:22,367
HE'S A VERY LUCKY MAN.
111
00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:23,367
MRS. WHO?
112
00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:25,033
MRS. COMFRY.
113
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:27,100
THERE'S NOBODY HERE
BY THAT NAME.
114
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:30,300
WH-WH--ISN'T THIS
2465 MAPLE STREET?
115
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:32,067
NO.
116
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:34,200
THIS HERE
IS MAPLE DRIVE.
117
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,701
MAPLE STREET
IS WAY ACROSS TOWN.
118
00:08:36,701 --> 00:08:38,267
OH. MY MISTAKE.
119
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:39,968
END OF THE DAY.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
120
00:08:39,968 --> 00:08:41,534
BYE.
121
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,601
YOUNG MAN.
122
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:49,501
ARE YOU SELLING SOMETHING?
123
00:08:51,901 --> 00:08:54,267
AS A MATTER OF FACT...
124
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,267
BECAUSE
AT RESTFUL HILLS,
125
00:08:56,267 --> 00:08:58,734
WE BELIEVE THAT BOTH YOU
AND YOUR LOVED ONES
126
00:08:58,734 --> 00:09:03,234
SHOULD BE ABLE TO
REST IN PEACE BEFORE
AS WELL AS AFTER.
127
00:09:03,234 --> 00:09:05,067
OH, IT SOUNDS SO NICE.
128
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:07,000
I DO HAVE A LOVELY
BROCHURE THAT I'D--
129
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:10,934
I'M SORRY. I DON'T
WANT PA TO MISS THIS.
130
00:09:10,934 --> 00:09:12,467
PA!
131
00:09:12,467 --> 00:09:16,267
OH, WHERE IS
THAT OLD GOAT?
132
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:17,601
PA!
133
00:09:17,601 --> 00:09:18,934
WHERE IN TARNATION
ARE YOU?
134
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:21,067
HONESTLY.
135
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:22,067
HOLD YOUR HORSES, MA!
136
00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:24,834
I'M RIGHT IN
THE MIDDLE OF DIGGING!
137
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:27,501
OH, WE GOT COMPANY.
138
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:30,834
MR. CAMPBELL'S
A SALESMAN, PA.
139
00:09:30,834 --> 00:09:32,968
A SALESMAN!
140
00:09:32,968 --> 00:09:35,033
AIN'T THAT NICE?!
141
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,534
IN THE OLD DAYS,
142
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:39,501
TRAVELING SALESMEN
USED TO COME BY
ALL THE TIME.
143
00:09:39,501 --> 00:09:41,934
OF COURSE, NOWADAYS,
EVERYBODY STAYS HOME,
144
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:43,801
DOES THEIR SHOPPING
ON THE TV.
145
00:09:43,801 --> 00:09:46,133
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT TO ME IT JUST
AIN'T THE SAME.
146
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:47,133
NO.
147
00:09:47,133 --> 00:09:51,033
WELL, SIT YOURSELF.
148
00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:52,601
SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.
149
00:09:52,601 --> 00:09:54,067
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
150
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:55,267
BUYING THINGS
LONG DISTANCE,
151
00:09:55,267 --> 00:09:57,267
YOU KNOW, YOU LOSE
THAT HUMAN CONNECTION.
152
00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:59,000
AIN'T THAT
THE TRUTH?
153
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,000
AND WHEN
THE PRODUCT COMES...
154
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,400
SHUT UP, MA.
155
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,934
THE YOUNG MAN
DON'T GIVE A DAMN
WHAT YOU THINK.
156
00:10:03,934 --> 00:10:05,868
LET HIM GET
DOWN TO BUSINESS.
157
00:10:05,868 --> 00:10:07,901
I'LL DO JUST THAT, SIR.
158
00:10:07,901 --> 00:10:09,701
AT RESTFUL HILLS
MEMORIAL PARK--
159
00:10:09,701 --> 00:10:11,634
THAT SOME KIND
OF CEMETERY?
160
00:10:11,634 --> 00:10:14,634
WE CALL OURSELVES
A MEMORIAL PARK.
161
00:10:14,634 --> 00:10:16,300
WHAT WE DO
IS A WHOLE NEW CONCEPT
162
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:18,067
THAT TRIES TO BRING PEACE
TO YOUR LOVED ONES
163
00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:20,267
BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER
YOUR DEMISE.
164
00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:22,501
FOR STARTERS,
WE FOUND A PIECE
OF PROPERTY,
165
00:10:22,501 --> 00:10:23,934
NORTH SIDE OF TOWN,
166
00:10:23,934 --> 00:10:26,667
THAT WILL JUST KNOCK
YOUR SOCKS OFF.
167
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:28,267
LOOK AT THIS.
ISN'T THAT GORGEOUS?
168
00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:29,767
OH, IT SURE IS!
169
00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:33,934
IT LOOKS LIKE
THE PERFECT PLACE
TO SPEND ETERNITY.
170
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,167
IT DOES LOOK RESTFUL,
DOESN'T IT?
171
00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:38,434
IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE
THE WHOLE FAMILY
172
00:10:38,434 --> 00:10:40,868
WILL ENJOY COMING TO
TO PAY THEIR
LAST RESPECTS,
173
00:10:40,868 --> 00:10:42,334
AND THAT IN TURN,
MAKES THE PROCESS
OF MOURNING
174
00:10:42,334 --> 00:10:44,000
JUST PLAIN EASIER
ON EVERYONE.
175
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,367
NOW, ISN'T THAT
A NICE IDEA, PA?
176
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:51,601
WHEN DOES
THE BEFOREHAND
STUFF COME IN?
177
00:10:51,601 --> 00:10:55,234
THAT'S--
THAT'S VERY SMART, SIR.
178
00:10:55,234 --> 00:10:57,033
THE BEFOREHAND PART
179
00:10:57,033 --> 00:11:00,067
COMES WITH
THE DEATH BENEFITS PACKAGE.
180
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:02,400
NOW, FOR A SMALL,
NOMINAL FEE,
181
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,767
WE PAY AT THE TIME
OF DEMISE,
182
00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,300
FULL FUNERAL EXPENSES,
183
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:10,200
PLUS A DEATH BENEFIT
OF $10,000 CASH.
184
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,367
THAT WAY, YOU KNOW
YOUR LOVED ONES
185
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,868
ARE GOING TO BE TAKEN CARE
OF BEFOREHAND.
186
00:11:13,868 --> 00:11:15,334
HOW NOMINAL?
187
00:11:15,334 --> 00:11:18,133
$500 BUYS EVERYTHING
FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.
188
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:21,200
$500? THAT'S ALL?
189
00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:32,033
OF COURSE, WE DO HAVE
THE EXTENDED DEATH BENEFIT
190
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:34,000
OF $20,000.
191
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,701
AND THAT'LL
ONLY COST YOU 750.
192
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:42,534
$750 BUYS YOU
$20,000?
193
00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:44,767
NO. YOU'RE BOTH COVERED.
194
00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:47,300
SO WE'RE TALKING $40,000.
195
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,200
OHH.
196
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,267
OH, WELL.
197
00:11:53,267 --> 00:11:56,567
WE CAN'T SAY NO
TO THAT, CAN WE?
198
00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:57,667
WE'LL DO IT.
199
00:11:57,667 --> 00:12:01,267
GREAT. I'LL DRAW
UP THE PAPERWORK.
200
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:03,367
OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE
TO SEE IT FIRST.
201
00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:04,968
SEE?
202
00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:07,467
SEE WHAT THE CEMETERY
PLOT LOOKS LIKE.
203
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:10,100
WE LIKE TO SEE
A THING WORK
BEFORE WE BUY IT.
204
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:14,133
WELL, IT, UM, IT LOOKS
PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS.
205
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:18,000
CAN'T BUY NOTHING
TILL WE SEE IT FIRST.
206
00:12:21,801 --> 00:12:24,133
OK, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
207
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:26,133
I'M GOING TO SUBMIT
YOUR PAPERWORK
WITH THE PAYMENT,
208
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:27,434
AND I'M GOING TO COME
BACK TOMORROW,
209
00:12:27,434 --> 00:12:28,567
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU
THERE MYSELF.
210
00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:30,033
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
211
00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:31,567
SURE THING.
212
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:33,601
I EXPECT YOU'D LIKE
ME AND MA TO GO DOWNSTAIRS
213
00:12:33,601 --> 00:12:34,601
AND GET YOU SOME MONEY.
214
00:12:34,601 --> 00:12:35,934
YOU TAKE CASH?
215
00:12:35,934 --> 00:12:39,334
I PREFER CASH.
IT SPEEDS UP THE PROCESS.
216
00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:42,234
WELL, WE WON'T BE
BUT A MINUTE.
217
00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:46,067
AHH.
218
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:48,033
YOU WANT SOME COFFEE
OR SOMETHING?
219
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,033
YEAH.
220
00:12:49,033 --> 00:12:51,701
IF YOU'VE BEEN
ON THE ROAD ALL DAY,
221
00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:54,901
I EXPECT YOU COULD USE
A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP.
222
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:57,667
COME ON NOW, MA!
223
00:12:57,667 --> 00:13:02,000
WE DON'T WANT TO
KEEP THE YOUNG MAN!
224
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,734
COMING, PA.
225
00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:39,767
I'M AFRAID YOU AIN'T
GOING ANYWHERE!
226
00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:54,200
I SAY WE KILL HIM NOW.
227
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,267
I WON'T LET YOU
DO IT, PA.
228
00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:57,300
DAMN IT, WOMAN.
229
00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:58,501
I'M TIRED OF YOU
ARGUING WITH ME.
230
00:13:58,501 --> 00:14:01,000
IF I WANT HIM DEAD,
HE'S DEAD!
231
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,934
AND THAT'S ALL THERE
IS TO IT!
232
00:14:02,934 --> 00:14:03,968
DON'T YOU RAISE
YOUR VOICE TO ME, OLD MAN,
233
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,100
OR I'LL HAVE HIDE.
234
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:08,133
BESIDES, IT WOULDN'T
BE POLITE TO KILL HIM
235
00:14:08,133 --> 00:14:10,534
UNTIL HE WAKES UP.
236
00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:13,634
ANYWAY, I THINK WYNONA SHOULD
HAVE A LOOK AT HIM FIRST.
237
00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:15,567
OH, GET OFF OF IT.
238
00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:18,734
HE AIN'T GONNA
WANT HER.
239
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:21,000
AIN'T NOBODY IN
WYNONA'S WHOLE UGLY
240
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,200
GODDAMN LIFE EVER
WANTED HER.
241
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,167
I'D LIKE HER TO
BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.
242
00:14:25,167 --> 00:14:28,367
HELL. IF SHE DO
WANT HIM, I DON'T.
243
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,367
I DON'T WANT NO
GODDAMN SALESMAN
IN THE FAMILY.
244
00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:34,234
NOBODY CARES WHO YOU WANT
IN THIS FAMILY.
245
00:14:34,234 --> 00:14:37,234
BESIDES, ONLY SALESMEN
EVER COME TO THIS PLACE.
246
00:14:37,234 --> 00:14:40,634
AND THIS ONE SEEMED
ESPECIALLY NICE.
247
00:14:40,634 --> 00:14:42,934
OH, FOR
CHRIST'S SAKE.
248
00:14:42,934 --> 00:14:44,234
AND IF THIS IS
WYNONA'S ONLY CHANCE
249
00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:45,501
AT A LITTLE HAPPINESS,
250
00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,501
THEN I'M WANT TO
GIVE IT TO HER.
251
00:14:47,501 --> 00:14:50,234
WELL, IT AIN'T
GONNA HAPPEN
252
00:14:50,234 --> 00:14:53,267
'CAUSE HE AIN'T
GONNA WANT HER.
253
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:56,334
HEY, YOU! WAKE UP!
254
00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:59,534
WAKE UP, DAMN IT!
255
00:14:59,534 --> 00:15:01,400
AARGH!
256
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,367
HE'S UP!
257
00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:05,033
PLEASE LET ME GO.
258
00:15:05,033 --> 00:15:06,067
WHY?
259
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:08,567
SO'S YOU CAN RUN OFF
TO THE POLICE...
260
00:15:08,567 --> 00:15:10,033
TELL THEM
ALL ABOUT US?
261
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:11,934
NO. I WON'T SAY
ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.
262
00:15:11,934 --> 00:15:13,767
I DON'T CARE
ABOUT WHO THOSE
OTHER GUYS ARE.
263
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:17,267
WELL, THEY'RE SALESMEN,
LIKE YOU.
264
00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:20,767
LIKE THAT GUY WHAT SOLD US
THE CRUMMY MICROWAVE...
265
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:21,968
DIDN'T WORK.
266
00:15:21,968 --> 00:15:24,767
AND THE VACUUM!
AND THE COLOR TV!
267
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:27,634
WASN'T NO COLOR TV
TILL I FIXED IT!
268
00:15:32,934 --> 00:15:35,167
NOW IT'S A COLOR TV!
269
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:37,968
GAH!
270
00:15:37,968 --> 00:15:39,000
REALLY...
271
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,467
I WON'T SAY ANYTHING
TO ANYBODY.
272
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:42,901
YOU CAN LET ME GO.
273
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:46,100
AND WHY WOULD I TRUST YOU?
274
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,200
YOU'RE A SALESMAN,
275
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,968
AND A SALESMAN
AIN'T NOTHING BUT A THIEF
276
00:15:49,968 --> 00:15:52,834
TRYING SUCKERING PEOPLE OUT
OF THEIR HARD-EARNED MONEY
277
00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:56,467
MAKING THEM BUY THINGS
THEY NEITHER WANT NOR NEED!
278
00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:59,334
WELL, WE'VE BEEN TOOK
ONE TIME TOO MANY,
279
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,200
AND IF WE HAVE TO KILL
EVERY LAST GODDAMN SALESMAN
280
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,000
ON THE GODDAMN PLANET,
SO BET IT!
281
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,334
NOW, DON'T YOU GET
TOO EXCITED, PA.
282
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,767
WE AIN'T DOING NOTHING
283
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:11,834
TILL WYNONA
SEES HIM FIRST.
284
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:17,434
DAMN GIRL'S
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
285
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:20,868
COME ALONG, MA.
286
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,901
GODDAMN GIRL.
287
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:46,701
ARE YOU...
288
00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,300
WYNONA?
289
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:52,367
WYNONA'S SUCH A NICE NAME.
290
00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:55,200
MY--MY MOTHER'S NAME
WAS WYNONA,
291
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,000
AND SHE WAS
VERY BEAUTIFUL.
292
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,601
YOU PLAY THAT
VERY WELL.
293
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:02,334
ANYONE EVER
TELL YOU THAT?
294
00:17:02,334 --> 00:17:05,367
HOW, UH,
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
295
00:17:05,367 --> 00:17:08,901
OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW
A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT
WHEN I HEAR IT.
296
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,567
WHY DON'T COME ON
OVER HERE
297
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:13,934
WHERE I CAN SEE YOU?
298
00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:16,267
MAYBE I DON'T
WANT YOU TO SEE ME.
299
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:19,534
HEH HEH HEH.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S
THE CASE AT ALL.
300
00:17:19,534 --> 00:17:24,100
I THINK YOU WANT ME
TO SEE YOU VERY MUCH.
301
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:28,133
YOU KNOW,
I HARDLY KNOW YOU,
WYNONA.
302
00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:30,634
BUT I CAN HEAR
YOUR LONELINESS.
303
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,300
I KNOW THAT LONELINESS.
304
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:35,501
IT SITS ON MY SHOULDER
AND IT PECKS AT MY HEART.
305
00:17:35,501 --> 00:17:37,534
IS THAT HOW YOU FEEL,
WYNONA?
306
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:39,267
YOU SURE DO
TALK PRETTY.
307
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:42,634
LET'S YOU AND ME HAVE
A TALK THEN, FACE TO FACE.
308
00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:44,934
O.K...
309
00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:47,133
FACE TO FACE.
310
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,133
OH!
311
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:51,000
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
312
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:58,400
THE LAST THING I AM
IS BEAUTIFUL.
313
00:18:01,834 --> 00:18:03,968
WHAT IS BEAUTY,
ANYWAY?
314
00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:06,734
THE MONA LISA HAS
NOTHING ON YOU.
315
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:09,767
WHAT IS THAT, UM,
THAT PERFUME
YOU'RE WEARING?
316
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:12,267
NOT WEARING ANY.
317
00:18:14,434 --> 00:18:16,834
I AIN'T WASHED
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
318
00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:22,501
THAT IS SO...
319
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,133
EARTHY.
320
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:25,834
I LOVE IT.
321
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:27,968
THIS HAS NEVER
HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
322
00:18:27,968 --> 00:18:30,300
I'VE FALLEN HEAD OVER HEELS
IN LOVE WITH YOU.
323
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,501
YOU DON'T LOVE ME.
324
00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:35,000
NO, I DO. I DO.
325
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,968
JUST TAKE THESE OFF
AND LET ME PROVE IT.
326
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:39,133
I DON'T HAVE
THE KEYS.
327
00:18:39,133 --> 00:18:40,701
AND EVEN
IF'N I DID--
328
00:18:40,701 --> 00:18:42,701
YOU GOT TO LET ME
PROVE IT.
329
00:18:42,701 --> 00:18:43,834
IF YOU DON'T
LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU,
330
00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:46,000
I SWEAR I'M GOING
TO GO CRAZY.
331
00:18:50,901 --> 00:18:53,868
YOU REALLY THINK
I'M LIKE THE MONA LISA?
332
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,167
WHO CARES WHY
THE MONA LISA'S
SMILING THAT WAY?
333
00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:07,267
I WANT TO KNOW HOW
TO MAKE YOU SMILE.
334
00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:10,667
I WANT TO DEDICATE
MYSELF--
335
00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:14,767
OH, THIS IS SO...
LOVELY.
336
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:18,501
I HATE THIS ROOM.
I HATE THIS WHOLE HOUSE.
337
00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:19,601
UH.
338
00:19:19,601 --> 00:19:21,667
YOU KNOW, IT'S STRANGE
HOW I FEEL NOW.
339
00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:23,567
GIDDY, LIKE A KID.
340
00:19:23,567 --> 00:19:24,868
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
341
00:19:24,868 --> 00:19:27,467
I WANT TO SEE
THESE "LOVE FEELINGS."
342
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,367
THE KIND OF LOVE
I'M TALKING ABOUT
IS DIFFERENT.
343
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:31,200
IT'S DEEPER.
344
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,300
ACTION'S
ALL I BELIEVE IN.
345
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:35,334
THIS LOVE TALK
IS VERY NICE,
346
00:19:35,334 --> 00:19:38,701
BUT THE BODY
NEVER LIES.
347
00:19:43,701 --> 00:19:45,667
NOW!
348
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:47,734
LET'S SEE HOW MUCH
YOU LOVE ME!
349
00:19:47,734 --> 00:19:48,901
I SWEAR I LOVE YOU.
350
00:19:48,901 --> 00:19:49,868
ISN'T THAT
GOOD ENOUGH?
351
00:20:07,734 --> 00:20:09,400
YOU STILL LOVE ME?
352
00:20:27,701 --> 00:20:31,167
SO, SHOW ME
YOU LOVE ME.
353
00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:40,634
COURSE IF YOU
DON'T LOVE ME,
354
00:20:40,634 --> 00:20:42,267
I'LL JUST HAVE TO
GIVE YOU BACK TO PA
355
00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:43,434
AND LET HIM DEAL
WITH YOU.
356
00:20:43,434 --> 00:20:45,701
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
357
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:48,767
YEAH.
358
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:49,968
I DIDN'T THINK--
359
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,868
WAIT.
360
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:07,601
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
361
00:21:07,601 --> 00:21:09,534
I THINK YOU DO LOVE ME.
362
00:21:55,501 --> 00:21:56,501
THAT WAS...
363
00:21:56,501 --> 00:21:58,367
AMAZING.
364
00:21:58,367 --> 00:22:00,133
THAT WAS THE MOST
INCREDIBLE SEX
365
00:22:00,133 --> 00:22:01,400
I'VE EVER HAD.
366
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,801
WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO DO THAT?
367
00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:06,033
ALL THOSE SALESMEN.
368
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,501
EXCEPT NONE OF THEM
DID WHAT YOU DID.
369
00:22:08,501 --> 00:22:12,033
OR LIKE YOU DID.
370
00:22:12,033 --> 00:22:14,534
YOU DO LOVE ME,
DON'T YOU?
371
00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:18,000
LIKE YOU SAID,
THE BODY NEVER LIES.
372
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,200
THE QUESTION IS,
373
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,000
DO YOU LOVE ME?
374
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,868
OF COURSE,
I LOVE YOU.
375
00:22:23,868 --> 00:22:25,968
I AIN'T GONNA LET
MY DADDY HURT YOU,
376
00:22:25,968 --> 00:22:27,567
IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT.
377
00:22:27,567 --> 00:22:30,834
I WANT TO MARRY YOU.
378
00:22:30,834 --> 00:22:32,667
IF WE GOT MARRIED,
379
00:22:32,667 --> 00:22:34,367
YOU'D GET MY DOWRY,
380
00:22:34,367 --> 00:22:35,534
AND THEY'D LET YOU GO,
381
00:22:35,534 --> 00:22:37,868
AND WE COULD RUN AWAY
AND BE HAPPY TOGETHER.
382
00:22:37,868 --> 00:22:39,734
I HATE IT HERE.
383
00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:42,901
MA AND PA
TREAT ME SO MEAN.
384
00:22:42,901 --> 00:22:45,267
DID YOU SAY DOWRY?
385
00:22:46,434 --> 00:22:48,367
YEAH.
386
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,200
PA'S GOT IT BURIED
IN THE BASEMENT.
387
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,567
IT'S THE MONEY
FROM ALL THOSE SALESMEN.
388
00:22:54,567 --> 00:22:58,000
IT MUST BE $40-, $50,000.
389
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,534
YES.
390
00:22:59,534 --> 00:23:01,367
YES, LET'S...
391
00:23:01,367 --> 00:23:02,868
LET'S GET MARRIED.
392
00:23:11,801 --> 00:23:13,801
MA! PA!
393
00:23:13,801 --> 00:23:15,534
I'M GETTIN' HITCHED!
394
00:23:20,767 --> 00:23:23,267
YOU REALLY WANT TO
DO THIS THING?
395
00:23:23,267 --> 00:23:24,434
ABSOLUTELY.
396
00:23:24,434 --> 00:23:27,267
I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER.
397
00:23:27,267 --> 00:23:29,767
AND I LOVE HIM, PA.
398
00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:34,834
LET'S GET THIS STARTED.
399
00:23:34,834 --> 00:23:38,000
AREN'T WE GONNA
HAVE A PREACHER?
400
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,601
PA IS A PREACHER.
401
00:23:41,334 --> 00:23:43,767
DO YOU, JUDD CAMPBELL,
402
00:23:43,767 --> 00:23:46,167
TAKE MY DAUGHTER,
WYNONA BRACKETT,
403
00:23:46,167 --> 00:23:48,367
TO BE YOUR LAWFUL
WEDDED WIFE?
404
00:23:50,367 --> 00:23:52,834
I DO.
405
00:23:52,834 --> 00:23:54,734
AND DO YOU, WYNONA,
406
00:23:54,734 --> 00:23:59,033
TAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR
LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?
407
00:23:59,033 --> 00:24:01,834
YOU BET I DO, PA.
408
00:24:01,834 --> 00:24:03,767
LET'S HAVE THE RING, MA.
409
00:24:07,234 --> 00:24:09,133
THANK YOU.
410
00:24:09,133 --> 00:24:11,667
IF YOU'LL PLACE
THIS RING ON WYNONA'S--
411
00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:13,167
WAIT A MINUTE, PA.
412
00:24:13,167 --> 00:24:15,634
AIN'T YOU GONNA TAKE
THESE HANDCUFFS OFF?
413
00:24:15,634 --> 00:24:17,834
HE'S MARRYING ME.
414
00:24:17,834 --> 00:24:19,167
YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO
SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE
415
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:20,868
WALKING AROUND
WITH THESE THINGS ON?
416
00:24:20,868 --> 00:24:22,133
SHE'S RIGHT, PA.
417
00:24:22,133 --> 00:24:24,100
IF'N HE'S WILLING
TO MARRY HER,
418
00:24:24,100 --> 00:24:25,601
IT'S THE LEAST
YOU CAN DO.
419
00:24:25,601 --> 00:24:29,100
WELL, I GUESS.
420
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,467
NO. I AIN'T GONNA.
421
00:24:36,467 --> 00:24:38,000
I'LL MARRY HIM
TO YOU,
422
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,133
BUT THAT'S AS FAR
AS IT GOES.
423
00:24:39,133 --> 00:24:40,834
BUT...
424
00:24:40,834 --> 00:24:42,367
PA.
425
00:24:42,367 --> 00:24:44,501
IT'S JUST THE WAY
IT IS, WYNONA.
426
00:24:44,501 --> 00:24:46,267
I'M STILL GOING TO
HAVE TO SHOOT HIM.
427
00:24:46,267 --> 00:24:48,868
HE'S A SALESMAN.
HE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
428
00:24:48,868 --> 00:24:51,033
DAMN YOU, PA!
429
00:24:51,033 --> 00:24:53,133
IT'S MY FIRST
CHANCE OF HAPPINESS I GOT.
430
00:24:53,133 --> 00:24:55,300
AND YOU AIN'T
GONNA KILL THAT.
431
00:24:55,300 --> 00:24:56,234
NO!
432
00:24:57,934 --> 00:24:59,434
PRIN-PRINCESS.
433
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,567
WYNONA!
434
00:25:03,567 --> 00:25:05,200
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
WYNONA?
435
00:25:11,501 --> 00:25:12,868
WYNONA, YOU KILLED HIM!
436
00:25:15,601 --> 00:25:17,100
UNH. UHH.
437
00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:18,267
WHOA!
438
00:25:33,067 --> 00:25:36,167
LET ME GET THAT
FOR YOU, DARLIN'.
439
00:25:40,234 --> 00:25:45,834
NOW, LET'S GO GET
THAT DOWRY!
440
00:26:12,434 --> 00:26:14,100
HERE'S WHERE IT IS.
441
00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:15,567
GREAT.
442
00:26:15,567 --> 00:26:17,934
OH! BY THE WAY,
I HAVE A LITTLE
443
00:26:17,934 --> 00:26:19,601
WEDDING PRESENT
FOR YOU, MY LOVE.
444
00:26:28,634 --> 00:26:29,834
UGLY BITCH.
445
00:26:58,133 --> 00:27:00,100
WHAT THE HELL?
446
00:27:06,133 --> 00:27:10,467
YOU FIND SOMETHING
DOWN THERE, YOUNG MAN?
447
00:27:10,467 --> 00:27:12,067
YOU KNOW, MA.
448
00:27:12,067 --> 00:27:13,968
THE YOUNG MAN'S
RIGHT.
449
00:27:13,968 --> 00:27:18,901
THIS SURE IS
A MIGHTY NICE
CEMETERY PLOT.
450
00:27:21,167 --> 00:27:23,067
BUT I--BUT...
451
00:27:23,067 --> 00:27:25,601
THE VIEW AIN'T MUCH,
452
00:27:25,601 --> 00:27:27,467
BUT I THINK
HE'LL REST IN PEACE
453
00:27:27,467 --> 00:27:29,167
JUST THE SAME.
454
00:27:29,167 --> 00:27:30,634
WYNONA?
455
00:27:31,834 --> 00:27:34,234
YOU GOING TO PAY
YOUR RESPECTS OR WHAT?
456
00:27:41,767 --> 00:27:45,767
I SURE HOPE I CAN
GET THIS FAKE BLOOD
457
00:27:45,767 --> 00:27:47,334
OUT OF MY DRESS.
458
00:27:47,334 --> 00:27:49,567
OH, JUST THROW IT
IN THE NEW WASHING MACHINE
459
00:27:49,567 --> 00:27:51,934
THAT OTHER NICE
SALESMAN BROUGHT US.
460
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,434
HA HA HA.
461
00:27:58,434 --> 00:28:00,033
YOU...
462
00:28:00,033 --> 00:28:01,801
YOU LIED TO ME,
ALL OF YOU.
463
00:28:01,801 --> 00:28:03,033
LIED?
464
00:28:04,334 --> 00:28:08,000
NOW, THAT AIN'T
A NICE THING TO SAY.
465
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,567
BESIDES, 'TWEREN'T
NO LIE AT ALL.
466
00:28:11,567 --> 00:28:14,033
NO, SIR.
467
00:28:14,033 --> 00:28:16,734
IT'S CALLED...
468
00:28:20,234 --> 00:28:22,567
SALESMANSHIP!
469
00:28:26,404 --> 00:28:27,666
NO SALE
470
00:28:27,700 --> 00:28:32,234
GOOD OLD JUDD. JUST ANOTHER
SATISFIED GHOST-IMER.
471
00:28:32,234 --> 00:28:34,534
I GUESS IT'S TRUE
WHAT THEY SAY.
472
00:28:34,534 --> 00:28:38,567
THE FAMILY THAT SLAYS TOGETHER
STAYS TOGETHER.
473
00:28:40,968 --> 00:28:44,234
WE COME NOW TO ONE
OF MY FAVORITE ITEMS--
474
00:28:44,234 --> 00:28:46,868
THE AMAZING CRYPT KEEPER
SLASH-O-MATIC.
475
00:28:46,868 --> 00:28:48,767
IT'S MORE THAN JUST A KNIFE,
476
00:28:48,767 --> 00:28:51,234
IT PEELS, IT CUTS,
MAKES FABULOUS FRENCH FRIES.
477
00:28:51,234 --> 00:28:53,000
IT SLICES, IT DICES,
IT--
32015
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