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Good evening, Mr Taylor.

Good God, you're the Queer Guy.

You can make me over any time you want, top to bottom.

Or bottom to top.

I'll keep that in mind!

You're Mr Popular.

Oh, it's amazing what being a television star can do.

I suppose you're looking for the other Mr Popular?

He said he has a surprise for me.

If it doesn't have a tight ass and at least nine inches, I'd be surprised.

His Majesty's new vip lounge, by invitation only.

Welcome, Mr Taylor.

How do you like what I've done with the place?

As usual, your taste is impeccable.

Some people might say that Babylon no longer serves any purpose.

But I find it still has 101 uses.

Maybe even...102.

Baby!

Oh!

So, pal, will you be coming home after school?

No, I thought I'd join the Cirque du Soleil.

Smart-ass.

Where the hell else would I be going

now that I've politely been told it would be best for all concerned

if I were no longer on the swim team?

Aren't there other extracurricular activities you can participate in?

You mean where I wouldn't endanger the lives of the other students?

Hey, what about the chess club?

Although I might get cut checkmating my opponents.

Would you cut it out?

No, why don't you with your fucking helpful suggestions?

ok, you two.

You can go around being pissed and bitter

or forget about it and move on.

It's their loss, Hunter, not yours.

Yeah, I bet they're all broken up about it.

Welcome to 'My Two Dads'.

Hey, champ. Fuck you.

It appears being straight doesn't agree with the lad.

I better get to class.

Can I give you a ride, professor?

Uh...no, thanks. I'll...grab a bus.

Gucci-Gucci.

Or if you prefer, Prada-Prada.

Where were you? Huh?

We missed you last week at Babylon.

We missed you last week at Babylon.

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

All your favourite superheroes were there,

All your favourite superheroes were there,

flying around...fucking around.

flying around...fucking around.

Well, I was flying around myself.

Well, I was flying around myself.

Having a baby really keeps you on your toes.

Having a baby really keeps you on your toes.

Well, when you and Ben are through breastfeeding, you should swing by.

Well, when you and Ben are through breastfeeding, you should swing by.

These are...fuckin' beautiful!

These are...fuckin' beautiful!

And I made you fudge.

And I made you fudge.

Three kinds - chocolate, butterscotch and rocky road.

Three kinds - chocolate, butterscotch and rocky road.

Jesus, what did I do to deserve all this?

Jesus, what did I do to deserve all this?

If you ask me, you deserve everything.

If you ask me, you deserve everything.

Somebody win a beauty pageant?

Somebody win a beauty pageant?

Yeah, Miss Fat-Ass 2005.

Yeah, Miss Fat-Ass 2005.

You are not fat. You're beautiful.

You are not fat. You're beautiful.

Lady's right.

Lady's right.

Self-deprecating humour doesn't fit anymore, so stop wearing it.

Self-deprecating humour doesn't fit anymore, so stop wearing it.

Thank you, Mr Queer Eye, for the fashion tip.

Thank you, Mr Queer Eye, for the fashion tip.

Well, I...better get to work.

Well, I...better get to work.

You take care, hon.

You take care, hon.

Thanks again for all the goodies.

Thanks again for all the goodies.

See you later. Alright.

See you later. Alright.

You care for some? Loretta made it just for me.

You care for some? Loretta made it just for me.

Oh, how sweet.

Oh, how sweet.

So's this.

So's this.

It's an expression of affection, not a bake-off.

It's an expression of affection, not a bake-off.

Yeah, well, if the sugar content's any indication,

Yeah, well, if the sugar content's any indication,

she's more than sweet on you.

she's more than sweet on you.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck are you talking about?

It's as obvious as the colour of your...eyes.

It's as obvious as the colour of your...eyes.

Hello! The roses, the candy, the way she stares at you, unblinking.

Hello! The roses, the candy, the way she stares at you, unblinking.

Don't tell me you can't see it. She's fond of me.

Don't tell me you can't see it. She's fond of me.

This is her way of saying thank you for all I did for her.

This is her way of saying thank you for all I did for her.

Trust me, it's more than that.

Trust me, it's more than that.

Much more.

Much more.

She's fallen in love with you.

She's fallen in love with you.

That's impossible. I'm a happily married woman. I like dick.

That's impossible. I'm a happily married woman. I like dick.

You don't have to tell me.

You don't have to tell me.

You and Carl going at it every night. You don't hold back, do you?

You and Carl going at it every night. You don't hold back, do you?

There's no point in doing something if you're going to do it half-assed.

There's no point in doing something if you're going to do it half-assed.

So what am I going to do?

So what am I going to do?

Well, first you're going to put the roses in some water,

Well, first you're going to put the roses in some water,

then you're going to freeze the fudge,

then you're going to freeze the fudge,

then you're going to explain to her as gently but firmly as you can

then you're going to explain to her as gently but firmly as you can

why it can never be.

why it can never be.

"Listen, Loretta, I can't even imagine diving into a muff."

"Listen, Loretta, I can't even imagine diving into a muff."

Something like that.

Something like that.

Otherwise, like any true-blue lesbian,

Otherwise, like any true-blue lesbian,

she'll be unpacking her off-road vehicle and moving in.

she'll be unpacking her off-road vehicle and moving in.

ok, you can pull up your pants.

ok, you can pull up your pants.

What a refreshing reversal from the usual request.

What a refreshing reversal from the usual request.

So when did it first appear?

So when did it first appear?

A couple of days ago.

A couple of days ago.

Any idea how you got it?

Any idea how you got it?

Probably from pulling too hard.

Probably from pulling too hard.

It's not a blister, Brian, it's a canker.

It's not a blister, Brian, it's a canker.

It looks like you've picked up a case of syphilis.

It looks like you've picked up a case of syphilis.

Syphilis?

Syphilis?

But that's so '80s.

But that's so '80s.

1880s.

1880s.

Not anymore.

Not anymore.

It's once again all the rage, especially in the gay community.

It's once again all the rage, especially in the gay community.

Roll up your sleeve, please.

Roll up your sleeve, please.

Think you can pinpoint who gave it to you?

Think you can pinpoint who gave it to you?

We may have found the needle,

We may have found the needle,

but locating the haystack's gonna be a bitch.

but locating the haystack's gonna be a bitch.

Make a fist.

Make a fist.

It's always you straight-laced types who are into the kinky stuff.

It's always you straight-laced types who are into the kinky stuff.

Ow.

Ow.

I'll confirm it with a vdrl just to make sure.

Then what?

Then what?

Then we give you a penicillin shot. That should clear it up.

Then we give you a penicillin shot. That should clear it up.

However, you'll need to lay off the sex for a couple of days.

However, you'll need to lay off the sex for a couple of days.

A couple of days?

I realise for you that's the equivalent

I realise for you that's the equivalent

of the time it took for the creation of the universe,

of the time it took for the creation of the universe,

but I have the utmost faith.

but I have the utmost faith.

You'll pull it off.

You'll pull it off.

That's pretty much all you've left for me to do.

That's pretty much all you've left for me to do.

Oh, and one more thing.

Oh, and one more thing.

You'll need to inform everyone you had sexual contact with

You'll need to inform everyone you had sexual contact with

so they can be tested.

so they can be tested.

"Had we but world enough, and time."

"Had we but world enough, and time."

Do you have an extra pen? I lost mine.

Do you have an extra pen? I lost mine.

Are you trying to be nice?

Are you trying to be nice?

Yes.

Yes.

Well, don't bother.

Well, don't bother.

Fine, if you'd rather sit by yourself.

Fine, if you'd rather sit by yourself.

You're the only person who knew about me. The only one.

You're the only person who knew about me. The only one.

And now suddenly the whole fuckin' school knows what I used to do.

And now suddenly the whole fuckin' school knows what I used to do.

Gee, I wonder how that happened.

Gee, I wonder how that happened.

I didn't tell anyone. I would never do that to you.

I didn't tell anyone. I would never do that to you.

Then how did they find out?

Then how did they find out?

My parents.

My parents.

You told them yourself, remember?

You told them yourself, remember?

When you hit your head at the pool,

When you hit your head at the pool,

they called some of the other parents

they called some of the other parents

who told their kids, who told their friends

who told their kids, who told their friends

and presto, you're famous.

and presto, you're famous.

Yeah, I'm a cocksucking superstar.

Yeah, I'm a cocksucking superstar.

Except I don't see anyone asking for my autograph.

Except I don't see anyone asking for my autograph.

My folks are assholes for what they did.

My folks are assholes for what they did.

I said I'd never forgive them.

I said I'd never forgive them.

And I won't.

And I won't.

Now, can I borrow a pen?

Now, can I borrow a pen?

Teddy? Don't turn on the light.

Teddy? Don't turn on the light.

Where the fuck are you?

Where the fuck are you?

Where I'll be for all eternity. On the sofa.

Where I'll be for all eternity. On the sofa.

I asked you to not turn on the light!

I asked you to not turn on the light!

How am I supposed to see you? That's the point.

How am I supposed to see you? That's the point.

Still puffy?

Still puffy?

'Puffy'? Yeah. I'd be thrilled with 'puffy'.

'Puffy'? Yeah. I'd be thrilled with 'puffy'.

I'd rejoice with 'swollen'.

I'd rejoice with 'swollen'.

Compared to me, the Elephant Man is a supermodel.

Compared to me, the Elephant Man is a supermodel.

Alright, you're always cranky before you eat.

Alright, you're always cranky before you eat.

Come on, let's go grab some dinner.

Come on, let's go grab some dinner.

What, me? Go out in public like this?

What, me? Go out in public like this?

What have I done to myself?

What have I done to myself?

You've had cosmetic surgery.

You've had cosmetic surgery.

Everyone who's had it goes through this.

Everyone who's had it goes through this.

But once it's healed, you'll have a fabulous new face.

But once it's healed, you'll have a fabulous new face.

I don't want a fabulous new face. I want my not-so-fabulous old face.

I don't want a fabulous new face. I want my not-so-fabulous old face.

You don't mean that.

You don't mean that.

This is the worst mistake I've ever made.

This is the worst mistake I've ever made.

What makes it worser is... Is that a word?

What makes it worser is... Is that a word?

No.

No.

All I wanted was to be beautiful.

All I wanted was to be beautiful.

Or if not 'beautiful', at least 'almost beautiful'.

Or if not 'beautiful', at least 'almost beautiful'.

Is that so much to ask?

Is that so much to ask?

Instead, I'm condemned to spend the remainder of my days in shadow.

Instead, I'm condemned to spend the remainder of my days in shadow.

Travelling through the sewers.

Travelling through the sewers.

Like the phantom of the Pittsburgh Civic Opera.

Like the phantom of the Pittsburgh Civic Opera.

Mortgage.

Mortgage.

Phone bill.

Phone bill.

What's this $1,200?

What's this $1,200?

Oh, the water heater broke again and the plumber said

Oh, the water heater broke again and the plumber said

it couldn't be repaired, so I had to have it replaced.

it couldn't be repaired, so I had to have it replaced.

Did you get other estimates? No, there wasn't time.

Did you get other estimates? No, there wasn't time.

Here's the premium for the car insurance.

Here's the premium for the car insurance.

Wait, wait a minute.

Wait, wait a minute.

Why should I pay for half the water heater,

Why should I pay for half the water heater,

considering I no longer live here or take baths here?

considering I no longer live here or take baths here?

But your children do, and I pay for half of your apartment

But your children do, and I pay for half of your apartment

and I don't live there.

and I don't live there.

I still don't think it's fair.

I still don't think it's fair.

You didn't even consult me, yet you expect me to pay?

You didn't even consult me, yet you expect me to pay?

ok, tell you what, I'll take them down the river where I'll wash them,

ok, tell you what, I'll take them down the river where I'll wash them,

and while I'm at it, I'll beat their clothes against the rocks.

and while I'm at it, I'll beat their clothes against the rocks.

You always have a smart answer.

You always have a smart answer.

The stupid answer would be, "Fine, you don't have to pay."

The stupid answer would be, "Fine, you don't have to pay."

But you're not going to hear that from me.

But you're not going to hear that from me.

I'm stretched to the limit. I'm sure you can find the money elsewhere.

I'm stretched to the limit. I'm sure you can find the money elsewhere.

Any bright ideas?

Any bright ideas?

Go back to work.

Go back to work.

Go back to...?

Go back to...?

When you had Gus, I made sure that you were as comfortable as possible

When you had Gus, I made sure that you were as comfortable as possible

so you could stay home with him.

so you could stay home with him.

That was a completely different set of circumstances.

That was a completely different set of circumstances.

Oh, how's that? We were still living together.

Oh, how's that? We were still living together.

And we still loved each other.

And we still loved each other.

I'll pay for everything else... but not the heater.

I'll pay for everything else... but not the heater.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Taste this.

Taste this.

That's suspiciously good.

That's suspiciously good.

Did Julia Child leave you her cookbook?

Did Julia Child leave you her cookbook?

No, Michael lent me one of his.

No, Michael lent me one of his.

The little wives swapping recipes.

The little wives swapping recipes.

What's next? Mates?

What's next? Mates?

I happen to like cooking.

I happen to like cooking.

It makes me feel good to have a home-cooked meal.

It makes me feel good to have a home-cooked meal.

I even thought, silly me, that it would make you feel good

I even thought, silly me, that it would make you feel good

to have someone cook for you.

to have someone cook for you.

But if a home-cooked meal is so unappetising to you,

But if a home-cooked meal is so unappetising to you,

you are welcome to order yourself Thai food

you are welcome to order yourself Thai food

for the third time this week.

for the third time this week.

I love your cream sauce.

I love your cream sauce.

Guess what's for dessert?

Guess what's for dessert?

A penicillin tart with seasonal berries.

A penicillin tart with seasonal berries.

What? I said a penicillin tart.

What? I said a penicillin tart.

I have syphilis.

I have syphilis.

Syphilis?

Syphilis?

It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal?

It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal?

It can cause heart abnormalities, mental disorders, blindness.

It can cause heart abnormalities, mental disorders, blindness.

Thank you for the public service announcement, Dr Taylor,

Thank you for the public service announcement, Dr Taylor,

but the patient's already been treated and cured.

but the patient's already been treated and cured.

All I have to do now

All I have to do now

is refrain from fucking your brains out for the next 48 hours.

is refrain from fucking your brains out for the next 48 hours.

Make that...42.

Make that...42.

By the way, you should get yourself tested.

By the way, you should get yourself tested.

Did you fuck someone without a condom?

Did you fuck someone without a condom?

No. Never.

No. Never.

Word of honour. Then how'd you...?

Word of honour. Then how'd you...?

Must have been someone who sucked me off.

Must have been someone who sucked me off.

I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner,

I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner,

considering where your dick's been.

considering where your dick's been.

Excuse me, but you haven't exactly been a saint yourself.

Excuse me, but you haven't exactly been a saint yourself.

In fact, I might have even gotten it from you.

In fact, I might have even gotten it from you.

When's dinner?

When's dinner?

Yes, she ate.

Yes, she ate.

No, she's not colicky.

No, she's not colicky.

Yes. She's sleeping like a...baby.

Yes. She's sleeping like a...baby.

Look, Mel, I gotta go. Yes, I promise.

Look, Mel, I gotta go. Yes, I promise.

If there's a problem, I'll call.

If there's a problem, I'll call.

Christ, she calls every five minutes.

Christ, she calls every five minutes.

She's a mother. She's a fucking control freak.

She's a mother. She's a fucking control freak.

Can I be excused? You didn't eat anything. Eat.

Can I be excused? You didn't eat anything. Eat.

No control freaks here.

No control freaks here.

Are you ok?

Are you ok?

Awesome.

Awesome.

Look, your principal called.

Look, your principal called.

I didn't do anything. We know.

I didn't do anything. We know.

He wants us to come to a meeting with some of the parents.

He wants us to come to a meeting with some of the parents.

About what?

About what?

About what happened at the swim meet.

About what happened at the swim meet.

Oh, fuck! Hey, whoa, hold on.

Oh, fuck! Hey, whoa, hold on.

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

And how do you figure that?

And how do you figure that?

There'll be a health official to answer questions,

There'll be a health official to answer questions,

put their minds at ease,

put their minds at ease,

and hopefully put an end to what you've been going through.

and hopefully put an end to what you've been going through.

Like anyone gives a shit what I've been going through.

Like anyone gives a shit what I've been going through.

I'm coming too.

I'm coming too.

It's for parents.

It's for parents.

It's about me, isn't it? So I have a right to be there.

It's about me, isn't it? So I have a right to be there.

Robin, cheers!

Robin, cheers!

Hi!

Hi!

This is a dyke bar. Why did you bring me to a dyke bar?

This is a dyke bar. Why did you bring me to a dyke bar?

Think of it as your out-of-town tryout.

Think of it as your out-of-town tryout.

You're certainly not going to fuck anybody in here, right?

You're certainly not going to fuck anybody in here, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter what you look like or what anybody thinks.

It doesn't matter what you look like or what anybody thinks.

Hey, you're right. No-one here knows me, so I'm safe. I'm anonymous.

Hey, you're right. No-one here knows me, so I'm safe. I'm anonymous.

Teddy!

Teddy!

Hey, Em! Mother of Christ.

Hey, Em! Mother of Christ.

No, honey, just of Michael.

No, honey, just of Michael.

What are you boys doing here?

What are you boys doing here?

Don't tell me you've developed a taste for snatch.

Don't tell me you've developed a taste for snatch.

I could ask you the same thing.

I could ask you the same thing.

I'm taking your suggestion.

I'm taking your suggestion.

Oh! Hope the fish bite.

Oh! Hope the fish bite.

You look pretty beat up, babe.

You look pretty beat up, babe.

Did a man do that to you?

Did a man do that to you?

Huh?

Huh?

Too bad I wasn't around to protect you.

Too bad I wasn't around to protect you.

But don't you worry, kitten.

But don't you worry, kitten.

That swelling's gonna go down, and when it does,

That swelling's gonna go down, and when it does,

you're gonna be just as pretty as ever.

you're gonna be just as pretty as ever.

That...person...

That...person...

..thinks I'm a lesbian.

..thinks I'm a lesbian.

My God.

My God.

What have I done to myself?

What have I done to myself?

I'm going home.

I'm going home.

And I'm never coming back out!

And I'm never coming back out!

She just hasn't been herself since the hot flushes.

She just hasn't been herself since the hot flushes.

A lot of great-looking gals here, wouldn't you say?

A lot of great-looking gals here, wouldn't you say?

I suppose.

I suppose.

I'm really glad you asked me out, Deb.

I'm really glad you asked me out, Deb.

Look at her. Huh? She's...handsome.

Look at her. Huh? She's...handsome.

All those tattoos.

All those tattoos.

I was hoping we could spend some time together.

I was hoping we could spend some time together.

Just the two of us.

Just the two of us.

What about her standing there, all by herself?

What about her standing there, all by herself?

I bet she'd love it if someone took her hand and said,

I bet she'd love it if someone took her hand and said,

"Buy you a beer?"

"Buy you a beer?"

Yeah, I hope someone does.

Yeah, I hope someone does.

Loretta, honey, isn't there someone in this place that tickles your...

Loretta, honey, isn't there someone in this place that tickles your...

..fancy?

..fancy?

There is.

There is.

Buy you a beer?

Buy you a beer?

You know, I thought one of the benefits of marriage -

You know, I thought one of the benefits of marriage -

besides getting to have sex with the same person

besides getting to have sex with the same person

for the rest of your natural born life -

for the rest of your natural born life -

is being able to let yourself go.

is being able to let yourself go.

I'm sure you'll be pleased to know

I'm sure you'll be pleased to know

Michael and I still enjoy looking good for each other.

Michael and I still enjoy looking good for each other.

You still look?

You still look?

Not everyone regards marriage and monogamy as a death sentence.

Not everyone regards marriage and monogamy as a death sentence.

For some of us, they're simply a part of growing up.

For some of us, they're simply a part of growing up.

You mean giving up.

You mean giving up.

Surrendering to the straight world's conception

Surrendering to the straight world's conception

of what it means to be a man.

of what it means to be a man.

Can't be Peter Pan for ever.

Can't be Peter Pan for ever.

You can try.

You can try.

These days I prefer spending time

These days I prefer spending time

in a family room rather than a back room.

in a family room rather than a back room.

As opposed to those days?

As opposed to those days?

When you preferred getting gangbanged

When you preferred getting gangbanged

in the orgy room of the Liberty Baths?

in the orgy room of the Liberty Baths?

Leave it to you to remember.

Leave it to you to remember.

Leave it to you to forget now that you're hiv

and, oh, so PC.

and, oh, so PC.

There you go. Got it?

There you go. Got it?

Well, I may not have stopped Michael

Well, I may not have stopped Michael

from becoming one of the Stepford Fags,

from becoming one of the Stepford Fags,

but at least I saved Justin from a fate worse than being a heterosexual.

but at least I saved Justin from a fate worse than being a heterosexual.

And what's that?

And what's that?

An imitation...heterosexual.

An imitation...heterosexual.

Aren't you going after your prey?

Aren't you going after your prey?

I'd love to, Professor,

I'd love to, Professor,

but I've still got another 24 hours until the syphilis clears up.

but I've still got another 24 hours until the syphilis clears up.

Now, I'm sure we'll be back before she wakes up.

Now, I'm sure we'll be back before she wakes up.

Yeah, so just keep the monitor with you, and make yourselves at home.

Yeah, so just keep the monitor with you, and make yourselves at home.

Thanks.

Thanks.

You have my cell phone number just in case.

You have my cell phone number just in case.

Don't worry. Alright, have fun, you two.

Don't worry. Alright, have fun, you two.

Thanks again.

Thanks again.

Oh, my God. Ha, ha!

Oh, my God. Ha, ha!

She's so cute!

She's so cute!

She's practically twice as big already.

She's practically twice as big already.

Ever think about having one?

Ever think about having one?

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

So what's stopping you?

So what's stopping you?

I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention who I live with?

I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention who I live with?

Did you ever ask him? He won't even get a puppy.

Did you ever ask him? He won't even get a puppy.

Do you have any idea how much Italia Moda furniture costs?

Do you have any idea how much Italia Moda furniture costs?

Anyway, now's not the time to have a life-altering discussion with him.

Anyway, now's not the time to have a life-altering discussion with him.

At least until his syphilis clears up.

At least until his syphilis clears up.

I know last week's incident at the swim meet

I know last week's incident at the swim meet

raised a lot of concern regarding your children's health and safety.

raised a lot of concern regarding your children's health and safety.

That's why I've invited Dr Judith Davidson

That's why I've invited Dr Judith Davidson

from the Pittsburgh aids Project to speak with us this evening

and answer any questions you might have.

and answer any questions you might have.

Dr Davidson.

Dr Davidson.

Thank you, Mr Everett.

Thank you, Mr Everett.

Unfortunately, there's still a great deal of uncertainty

Unfortunately, there's still a great deal of uncertainty

and apprehension about hiv,

so I welcome the opportunity to not only inform you of the facts,

so I welcome the opportunity to not only inform you of the facts,

but to hopefully alleviate some of your fears.

but to hopefully alleviate some of your fears.

First off, let me assure you that the risk of hiv transmission

First off, let me assure you that the risk of hiv transmission

from Hunter's injury in the pool is next to impossible.

from Hunter's injury in the pool is next to impossible.

In fact, it would require direct blood-to-blood contact

In fact, it would require direct blood-to-blood contact

for there to be any significant degree of exposure.

for there to be any significant degree of exposure.

That's comforting to hear, Doctor,

That's comforting to hear, Doctor,

but that's not the only thing he's exposing our children to.

but that's not the only thing he's exposing our children to.

The kid is a hustler, a male prostitute...

The kid is a hustler, a male prostitute...

Hold on! Do you mind if I finish?

Hold on! Do you mind if I finish?

As a matter of fact, we do.

As a matter of fact, we do.

I'm sure that I speak for everyone here

I'm sure that I speak for everyone here

when I say we don't want our kids around someone with his background.

when I say we don't want our kids around someone with his background.

Well, you don't know a damn thing about his background -

Well, you don't know a damn thing about his background -

how he was abused by his mother,

how he was abused by his mother,

how he had to escape from a series of foster homes,

how he had to escape from a series of foster homes,

literally sleep in the street.

literally sleep in the street.

Or how he had to regain his health to catch up at school.

Or how he had to regain his health to catch up at school.

What is this? The plot to a Charles Dickens novel?

What is this? The plot to a Charles Dickens novel?

Your children lead privileged lives

Your children lead privileged lives

and you dare to laugh at my son's misfortune.

and you dare to laugh at my son's misfortune.

It's ok, Ben.

It's ok, Ben.

I'm glad I came here tonight, because I learned something too.

I'm glad I came here tonight, because I learned something too.

Now I know how your kids got to be the way they are.

Now I know how your kids got to be the way they are.

From you.

From you.

I don't know how you can be so casual about it. I'd freak out.

I don't know how you can be so casual about it. I'd freak out.

I did at first, but my test came back negative, so I guess everything's ok.

I did at first, but my test came back negative, so I guess everything's ok.

Next time you might not be so lucky.

Next time you might not be so lucky.

I promise that I'll be safe.

I promise that I'll be safe.

I wish you could be more than safe.

I wish you could be more than safe.

I wish you two would... Settle down?

I wish you two would... Settle down?

Get married? Be monogamous?

Get married? Be monogamous?

It's never gonna happen, Daph.

It's never gonna happen, Daph.

Oh. Oh, ok. Oh, my God. She's burning up.

Oh. Oh, ok. Oh, my God. She's burning up.

Oh. I better call Michael.

Oh. I better call Michael.

It's ok. It's ok.

It's ok. It's ok.

It's ok, sweetheart. It's ok, little one.

It's ok, sweetheart. It's ok, little one.

Fuck. It went straight to voicemail.

Fuck. It went straight to voicemail.

Um...

Um...

Shh. Shh. Oh.

Shh. Shh. Oh.

This was supposed to be an informative meeting,

This was supposed to be an informative meeting,

not a kangaroo court.

not a kangaroo court.

Please accept my apologies and know that not everyone feels that way.

Please accept my apologies and know that not everyone feels that way.

Oh, it's not your fault, Mr Everett, but thanks for saying that.

Oh, it's not your fault, Mr Everett, but thanks for saying that.

However, we obviously have a much bigger problem than I thought.

However, we obviously have a much bigger problem than I thought.

In light of tonight's reaction

In light of tonight's reaction

and knowing the ostracism you've had to endure,

and knowing the ostracism you've had to endure,

you might wanna consider sending Hunter to another school.

you might wanna consider sending Hunter to another school.

I'm not leaving.

I'm not leaving.

We should at least consider what Mr Everett has to say.

We should at least consider what Mr Everett has to say.

They can call me whatever they want, not sit near me - I don't care.

They can call me whatever they want, not sit near me - I don't care.

They're not gonna chase me away.

They're not gonna chase me away.

I got here as soon as I could. Where's Gus?

I got here as soon as I could. Where's Gus?

Thank God Dusty could take him. How is she?

Thank God Dusty could take him. How is she?

Earache with a fever.

Earache with a fever.

Poor sweetheart.

Poor sweetheart.

Have you been waiting long? An hour at least. It's incredible!

Have you been waiting long? An hour at least. It's incredible!

They see you sitting here with a screaming infant,

They see you sitting here with a screaming infant,

you think they'd have the decency...

you think they'd have the decency...

We just got the message. Where? In Babylon?

We just got the message. Where? In Babylon?

Fuck you! Hey! Hey! Easy, easy.

Fuck you! Hey! Hey! Easy, easy.

We were at Hunter's school. There was a problem.

We were at Hunter's school. There was a problem.

I'll say there is. She's been waiting over an hour.

I'll say there is. She's been waiting over an hour.

There must be someone to talk to. How could you leave her like that?

There must be someone to talk to. How could you leave her like that?

After all the crap you put us through?

After all the crap you put us through?

It's unforgivable. She was with Justin and Daphne.

It's unforgivable. She was with Justin and Daphne.

What the hell do they know? Enough to call you.

What the hell do they know? Enough to call you.

You have no say in this, so butt out.

You have no say in this, so butt out.

Excuse me? Don't talk to him like that!

Excuse me? Don't talk to him like that!

We have another kid who needed our attention.

We have another kid who needed our attention.

I don't care about your other kid, I care about this one -

I don't care about your other kid, I care about this one -

my daughter, who is in a lot of pain.

my daughter, who is in a lot of pain.

I'll find a nurse.

I'll find a nurse.

All I know is the minute you have her, you take off.

All I know is the minute you have her, you take off.

Well, wait till my lawyer hears about this,

Well, wait till my lawyer hears about this,

because this time, there'll be no settling.

because this time, there'll be no settling.

We're going to go to court

We're going to go to court

and I will make sure that you lose custody.

and I will make sure that you lose custody.

You just try it! The doctor will see your baby now.

You just try it! The doctor will see your baby now.

It's about time. I'm sorry, only one of you can go.

It's about time. I'm sorry, only one of you can go.

Oh. I'm going, I'm her mother. I'm going, I'm her father.

Oh. I'm going, I'm her mother. I'm going, I'm her father.

Yeah, some father. You say that one more time...

Yeah, some father. You say that one more time...

I'm going. You two can duke it out, start World War 3 for all I care.

Meanwhile, our daughter needs attention.

Meanwhile, our daughter needs attention.

Flying solo?

Flying solo?

Not everyone's as lucky as you to be in a...non-relationship.

Not everyone's as lucky as you to be in a...non-relationship.

Where's Pittsburgh's very own extreme makeover?

Where's Pittsburgh's very own extreme makeover?

I tried to convince him to make an appearance tonight,

I tried to convince him to make an appearance tonight,

but disaster struck.

but disaster struck.

He saw a lesbian and went back into his hole for another six weeks.

He saw a lesbian and went back into his hole for another six weeks.

Well, you can tell Theodore

Well, you can tell Theodore

unless he gets his hole back to work Monday, he's fired.

I'll be sure to give him the message.

I'll be sure to give him the message.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have another urgent message to impart.

I have another urgent message to impart.

Half-price admission for all bottoms?

Half-price admission for all bottoms?

I have syphilis.

I have syphilis.

You have...? Need I repeat?

You have...? Need I repeat?

Well, this certainly hasn't been your year...dick-wise.

Well, this certainly hasn't been your year...dick-wise.

It's my responsibility to inform all of my former receptacles

It's my responsibility to inform all of my former receptacles

so that they can get tested.

so that they can get tested.

Wouldn't a full-page ad in 'usa Today' be more efficient?

I've always preferred the personal touch.

I've always preferred the personal touch.

If you'd laid off the personal touch,

If you'd laid off the personal touch,

you wouldn't have to start spreading the news.

you wouldn't have to start spreading the news.

Hey. Remember last Wednesday?

Hey. Remember last Wednesday?

I have syphilis.

I have syphilis.

Remember last Tuesday? Yeah.

Remember last Tuesday? Yeah.

Might wanna get tested for syphilis.

Might wanna get tested for syphilis.

Hey, remember last week in the back room?

Hey, remember last week in the back room?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You may have been exposed to syphilis.

You may have been exposed to syphilis.

Fuck no! What? Dude!

Fuck no! What? Dude!

Remember last Tuesday? Yeah, in the back room.

Remember last Tuesday? Yeah, in the back room.

You got exposed to syphilis. You might wanna get the test.

You got exposed to syphilis. You might wanna get the test.

Hey, do you remember last...

Hey, do you remember last...

Fortunately for me, I've been spared that nasty rash.

Fortunately for me, I've been spared that nasty rash.

Hey, remember last...

Hey, remember last...

Remember, uh, that get-together we had?

Remember, uh, that get-together we had?

I think I got syphilis.

I think I got syphilis.

I got syph. -Syph?!

I got syph. -Syph?!

Until now.

Until now.

Oh! How is she?

Oh! How is she?

Is she ok? She'll be fine.

Is she ok? She'll be fine.

They gave her some Baby Tylenol which needs repeating every four hours.

They gave her some Baby Tylenol which needs repeating every four hours.

Every four hours. And Amoxycillin twice a day.

Every four hours. And Amoxycillin twice a day.

We'll pick that up at the pharmacy.

We'll pick that up at the pharmacy.

Ok, sweetie, I'll take you home.

Ok, sweetie, I'll take you home.

I was just about to say the same thing.

I was just about to say the same thing.

Why would she go with you? Because it's still my time.

Why would she go with you? Because it's still my time.

I say you've had enough time. We have an agreement.

I say you've had enough time. We have an agreement.

After you practically abandoned her?

After you practically abandoned her?

Would you please calm down? I agree.

Would you please calm down? I agree.

A sick baby needs to be with her mother.

A sick baby needs to be with her mother.

I am just as capable of taking care of her.

I am just as capable of taking care of her.

You've proven that.

You've proven that.

Come with Daddy, honey bun. She's coming with me.

Come with Daddy, honey bun. She's coming with me.

Would you two stop?!

Would you two stop?!

I don't think either one of you cares about your daughter's welfare.

I don't think either one of you cares about your daughter's welfare.

All you're concerned about is who has ownership.

All you're concerned about is who has ownership.

That is not true! How could you say that?

That is not true! How could you say that?

And I've been a part of it.

And I've been a part of it.

Well, no more.

Well, no more.

I'm withdrawing from this custodial circus right now.

I'm withdrawing from this custodial circus right now.

Jenny Rebecca is all yours.

Jenny Rebecca is all yours.

I just hope you spend as much time thinking about her needs

I just hope you spend as much time thinking about her needs

as you do about yours.

as you do about yours.

Hearts.

Hearts.

Made out of cherry Jell-o.

Made out of cherry Jell-o.

And flowers. They're edible pansies.

And flowers. They're edible pansies.

Not the first ones in here. 1100

Not the first ones in here. 1101

You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.

You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.

Nothing's too much trouble for you, Deb.

Nothing's too much trouble for you, Deb.

Hey, you wanna go back to that bar tonight? I'm off at 6:00.

Hey, you wanna go back to that bar tonight? I'm off at 6:00.

It's not really my scene, if you know what I mean.

It's not really my scene, if you know what I mean.

Yeah. Too crowded and noisy. I understand.

Yeah. Too crowded and noisy. I understand.

How about we go to a nice quiet place and we can...

How about we go to a nice quiet place and we can...

Loretta...sit.

Loretta...sit.

I'd love to, but I've got a couple of Pink Plates coming up.

I'd love to, but I've got a couple of Pink Plates coming up.

Betty can serve them. Now, please sit.

Betty can serve them. Now, please sit.

Your order's up.

Your order's up.

Loretta, I am truly flattered and honoured

Loretta, I am truly flattered and honoured

that you like me.

that you like me.

I more than like you.

I more than like you.

I know.

I know.

It's just that there's one little hitch -

It's just that there's one little hitch -

I'm not gay.

I'm not gay.

Although, God knows I could've spared myself a lot of grief if I was.

Although, God knows I could've spared myself a lot of grief if I was.

But, um, let's face it, honey,

But, um, let's face it, honey,

after hanging out here all these years,

after hanging out here all these years,

if it still hasn't rubbed off,

if it still hasn't rubbed off,

I think we can safely assume that, um...that it's not gonna.

I think we can safely assume that, um...that it's not gonna.

I didn't think I was gay at first either.

I didn't think I was gay at first either.

But that's because I hadn't met the right person.

But that's because I hadn't met the right person.

I have met the right person.

I have met the right person.

His name is Carl Horvath.

His name is Carl Horvath.

Well, I gotta go pick up... No. Listen, please.

Well, I gotta go pick up... No. Listen, please.

Listen.

Listen.

You don't really love me.

You don't really love me.

Why wouldn't I?

Why wouldn't I?

You're wonderful.

You're wonderful.

Well, I'll take the compliment.

Well, I'll take the compliment.

But you just think you do...

But you just think you do...

..'cause for the first time in your life,

..'cause for the first time in your life,

you're finally expressing the real you.

you're finally expressing the real you.

And I am thrilled for you.

And I am thrilled for you.

Truly, I am.

Truly, I am.

But you need to love someone who can love you back...

But you need to love someone who can love you back...

..the way you deserve.

..the way you deserve.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Letting in some sunshine.

Letting in some sunshine.

Light is my enemy. Darkness is my only friend.

Light is my enemy. Darkness is my only friend.

I'll have to remember that.

I'll have to remember that.

What's all that?

What's all that?

Queer Guy is about to work his fairy magic.

Queer Guy is about to work his fairy magic.

Last time you worked your fairy magic,

Last time you worked your fairy magic,

I almost wound up engaged to Tanya the trucker.

I almost wound up engaged to Tanya the trucker.

First we need to get your hair back to its natural colour.

First we need to get your hair back to its natural colour.

Would you say chocolate mousse or autumn in Umbria?

Would you say chocolate mousse or autumn in Umbria?

Look, Em, it's no use.

Look, Em, it's no use.

I'm a caterpillar who's never gonna be a butterfly.

I'm a caterpillar who's never gonna be a butterfly.

I'm just gonna be one of those old men we always make fun of,

I'm just gonna be one of those old men we always make fun of,

the ones who are trying to look young,

the ones who are trying to look young,

who are only fooling themselves.

who are only fooling themselves.

Teddy, no matter what you look like,

Teddy, no matter what you look like,

there will always be one person who is blinded by your dazzling beauty.

there will always be one person who is blinded by your dazzling beauty.

We're just gonna help Mother Nature along.

We're just gonna help Mother Nature along.

So let's get cracking.

So let's get cracking.

Give her a little prod up the ass.

Give her a little prod up the ass.

ok.

ok.

So what happened? My parents nearly shit.

So what happened? My parents nearly shit.

They did? Well, like, duh.

They did? Well, like, duh.

You practically called them a couple of fascist hatemongers.

You practically called them a couple of fascist hatemongers.

Do you know what that can do to two lifelong liberal Democrats?

Do you know what that can do to two lifelong liberal Democrats?

I was worried you might be angry.

I was worried you might be angry.

Are you kidding? They so deserved it.

Are you kidding? They so deserved it.

I'm just sorry you had to go through that.

I'm just sorry you had to go through that.

But, um, I'm glad you decided to stay.

But, um, I'm glad you decided to stay.

You are?

You are?

So are you doing anything tonight?

So are you doing anything tonight?

We could go to a movie or get pizza.

We could go to a movie or get pizza.

Or I could steal your father's car and we could drive to L.A.

Or I could steal your father's car and we could drive to L.A.

I was just kidding. Hey, Matt.

I was just kidding. Hey, Matt.

Hey.

Hey.

We're going to the mall. You wanna come?

We're going to the mall. You wanna come?

Um...sure.

Um...sure.

Oh. What a relief.

Oh. What a relief.

Thanks for letting me know.

Thanks for letting me know.

That was Mel. Mmm.

That was Mel. Mmm.

She wanted to let me know that our daughter is doing fine.

She wanted to let me know that our daughter is doing fine.

Ah! That's good news.

Ah! That's good news.

And that I am an asshole. What? She said that?

And that I am an asshole. What? She said that?

No. I did.

No. I did.

You were just looking after Jenny Rebecca's best interests.

You were just looking after Jenny Rebecca's best interests.

Actually, I was looking after mine.

Actually, I was looking after mine.

Instead of thinking about what was right for the baby

Instead of thinking about what was right for the baby

or who she should be with, I was thinking about me.

or who she should be with, I was thinking about me.

So I've decided Lindsay's right.

So I've decided Lindsay's right.

Er, you're gonna give up custody?

Er, you're gonna give up custody?

Uh-uh. I would never do that.

Uh-uh. I would never do that.

But I do think that jr needs to spend more time with her mother

instead of passing her around.

instead of passing her around.

So we need to come up with a new arrangement...

So we need to come up with a new arrangement...

..one that's best for her.

..one that's best for her.

I think that's a very wise and very loving decision.

I think that's a very wise and very loving decision.

What kind of behaviour is that for a proper married couple?

What kind of behaviour is that for a proper married couple?

Improper.

Improper.

Undignified.

Undignified.

Mmm. Fun.

Mmm. Fun.

Since when do married people have fun?

Since when do married people have fun?

You oughta try it sometime. You might enjoy it.

You oughta try it sometime. You might enjoy it.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! He's here! He's here!

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! He's here! He's here!

Who's here?

Who's here?

Alright, it's not Dolly Levi.

Alright, it's not Dolly Levi.

It's only Ted, but I got him out of the house.

It's only Ted, but I got him out of the house.

You should only know what it took.

You should only know what it took.

So praise him and tell him he looks fabulous. Got it?

So praise him and tell him he looks fabulous. Got it?

Ted, you look fabulous.

Ted, you look fabulous.

Ted, you look fab....

Ted, you look fab....

Ted, you look fabulous.

Ted, you look fabulous.

Ted... Here he is! Here he is!

Ted... Here he is! Here he is!

Oh, my God. He really does look fabulous.

Oh, my God. He really does look fabulous.

That's not Ted.

That's not Ted.

That is.

That is.

Ted! Wow.

Ted! Wow.

You look 10 years younger. What a fantastic job!

You look 10 years younger. What a fantastic job!

Ted, you look fabulous.

Ted, you look fabulous.

I do?

I do?

What'd I tell you?

What'd I tell you?

Well, er, drinks are on me.

Well, er, drinks are on me.

To tell you the truth, he doesn't look all that different.

To tell you the truth, he doesn't look all that different.

I never looked at him enough to know.

I never looked at him enough to know.

There's something around the eyes. He looks...rested. That's it.

There's something around the eyes. He looks...rested. That's it.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't look any different.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't look any different.

The point is he thinks he does.

The point is he thinks he does.

Ted can look in the mirror and see a new man -

Ted can look in the mirror and see a new man -

a man with confidence, a man he likes.

a man with confidence, a man he likes.

Well, that's all that matters.

Well, that's all that matters.

Get ready, baby.

Get ready, baby.

'Cause when you come through that door,

'Cause when you come through that door,

you're gonna get such a big surp...

you're gonna get such a big surp...

..surprise.

..surprise.

Guess you weren't expecting me.

Guess you weren't expecting me.

I was just doing some...ironing.

I was just doing some...ironing.

I guess I got a little carried away.

I guess I got a little carried away.

It's the first time that I was able to show another woman affection

It's the first time that I was able to show another woman affection

without getting slugged by Darrell.

without getting slugged by Darrell.

And girl, you keep going.

And girl, you keep going.

I am. I'm leaving, Deb.

I am. I'm leaving, Deb.

The diner and Pittsburgh.

The diner and Pittsburgh.

Just 'cause I said I couldn't be the gal of your dreams

Just 'cause I said I couldn't be the gal of your dreams

doesn't mean you have to go.

doesn't mean you have to go.

I know. It's got nothing to do with you.

I know. It's got nothing to do with you.

Oh. No, it's me.

Oh. No, it's me.

When I see someone or something that I like,

When I see someone or something that I like,

I get what you might call...fixated.

I get what you might call...fixated.

It's the kind of person I am.

It's the kind of person I am.

I've always been that way ever since the shrimp.

I've always been that way ever since the shrimp.

The shrimp?

The shrimp?

When I was a girl, my folks used to take me and my sister Janine

When I was a girl, my folks used to take me and my sister Janine

to the Ramada every Sunday night for the $8.95 smorgasbord -

to the Ramada every Sunday night for the $8.95 smorgasbord -

kids half-price.

kids half-price.

They had every kind of food you could imagine.

They had every kind of food you could imagine.

I won't go through the entire menu. Thanks.

I won't go through the entire menu. Thanks.

But I never loved anything as much as the shrimp.

But I never loved anything as much as the shrimp.

And I kept going back for more and more and more

And I kept going back for more and more and more

and my folks said, "Hey, you know, try the roast beef,

and my folks said, "Hey, you know, try the roast beef,

"try the chicken cacciatore, try the stroganoff,"

"try the chicken cacciatore, try the stroganoff,"

and I knew what I liked and I stuck to it.

and I knew what I liked and I stuck to it.

I know if I stay here, I'll never be able to move on.

I know if I stay here, I'll never be able to move on.

I'll just keep loving you.

I'll just keep loving you.

And that won't do either of us much good.

And that won't do either of us much good.

I'm sure, you know, if you try the roast beef, you'd like it.

I'm sure, you know, if you try the roast beef, you'd like it.

It's ok.

It's ok.

Shit.

Shit.

I'm the one who's supposed to be comforting you.

I'm the one who's supposed to be comforting you.

You already have.

You already have.

I'm gonna be just fine.

I'm gonna be just fine.

I don't have a speck of doubt.

I don't have a speck of doubt.

Since you won't be coming to my apartment anymore,

Since you won't be coming to my apartment anymore,

I thought you could use them.

I thought you could use them.

You're not doing this

You're not doing this

because you don't wanna be Jenny's mother, are you?

because you don't wanna be Jenny's mother, are you?

I'm more Jenny's mother now than I ever was

I'm more Jenny's mother now than I ever was

because now I'm doing what's best for her, not me.

because now I'm doing what's best for her, not me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I hope you know I never intended for it to get so ugly.

I hope you know I never intended for it to get so ugly.

That's how divorces go - especially when there are children.

That's how divorces go - especially when there are children.

Why would we think we'd be any different?

Why would we think we'd be any different?

Because we loved each other more.

Because we loved each other more.

By the way...

By the way...

It's for my share of the water heater.

It's for my share of the water heater.

Ah, Liberty Avenue.

Ah, Liberty Avenue.

In all its glory.

In all its glory.

Miss it?

Miss it?

It was my life for a long time.

It was my life for a long time.

Everywhere I look, I still see me.

Everywhere I look, I still see me.

Walking down the street with Brian.

Walking down the street with Brian.

Hanging out with Emmett and Ted. This way! This way!

Hanging out with Emmett and Ted. This way! This way!

Cruising some hot guy. Ah.

Cruising some hot guy. Ah.

But I moved on.

But I moved on.

So rather than missing what used to be...

So rather than missing what used to be...

..I look forward to what's yet to be.

..I look forward to what's yet to be.

Hunter?!

Hunter?!

Hunter? What's going on?

Hunter? What's going on?

Reconnecting with old friends.

Reconnecting with old friends.

Renewing social ties.

Renewing social ties.

Want some?

Want some?

No, we do not. Come on, let's go.

No, we do not. Come on, let's go.

It's a school night. Ooh! A school night!

It's a school night. Ooh! A school night!

I'm not going back! Hey!

I'm not going back! Hey!

You told the principal and us you had no intention of leaving.

You told the principal and us you had no intention of leaving.

Well, I changed my mind.

Well, I changed my mind.

I never should've been there

I never should've been there

with people who think they're better than me.

with people who think they're better than me.

At least these guys... accept me for who I am.

At least these guys... accept me for who I am.

Well, in case you've forgotten, so do we.

Well, in case you've forgotten, so do we.

Now, we're going home.

Now, we're going home.

Hey, be sure and do what your daddy says.

Hey, be sure and do what your daddy says.

And collect up-front. 1522

And collect up-front. 1523

Hard at work?

Hard at work?

How was Babylon?

How was Babylon?

Mmm. Hard at play.

Mmm. Hard at play.

What are you doing home so early? It's only 1:30.

What are you doing home so early? It's only 1:30.

My enforced celibacy is over and I wanted you to be the first to know.

My enforced celibacy is over and I wanted you to be the first to know.

I'm touched.

I'm touched.

You'll be a lot more than touched when I'm done with you.

You'll be a lot more than touched when I'm done with you.

I have work to do.

I have work to do.

Do it in the morning.

Do it in the morning.

I'm doing it now.

I'm doing it now.

How can you be so fucking casual?

How can you be so fucking casual?

Don't you ever get tired of it?

Don't you ever get tired of it?

To get tired of something means it's become predictable...

To get tired of something means it's become predictable...

..unsatisfying, boring -

..unsatisfying, boring -

sort of like where I suspect this conversation is headed.

sort of like where I suspect this conversation is headed.

Or it can mean you've found something more satisfying,

Or it can mean you've found something more satisfying,

more meaningful.

more meaningful.

And what would that be?

And what would that be?

I'm gonna take a shower.

I'm gonna take a shower.

You coming to bed?

You coming to bed?

In a while.

In a while.

I have some work to finish.

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