All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses s01e02 Go West Young Man.eng

Just touching the cone and also just touching the plane.
And the two points where the spheres touch the plane...

Alright, here's where our future lies Rodney, second-hand
motors! This time next year we'll be millionaires!

I dreamed I was drowning last night!

Here, the way I see it is this,
the government,

they're going to have to ban the import of
foreign cars to save our car industry.

But the unions won't stand for that - because that
smacks of racialism - so they'll all go out on strike!

That'll mean you won't be able
to buy a new car for love nor money!

No.

No, no, that is it Rodney. Britain's future lies fairly
and squarely in the second-hand car game.

What did you say just
now? You dreamt that you were drowning?

Is that a gentle way
of trying to tell us that last night you wet the bed?

No, it's not! I'm just depressed that's all, and these
cornflakes aren't making me feel any better!

Honestly Rodney, you make my teeth itch. I've asked you
before, and I've asked you again - phone her!

She knows I won't phone her first!

How does she know that you won't phone her first?
Did you tell her that you wouldn't phone her first?

- No!
- No, well go and phone her and tell her.

Oh that's stupid!

No, it's not, it's no more
stupid than the moody you're in.

Why is it whenever you're getting your end away,
the skies are blue,

the lager's cool
and England are gonna win the World Cup.

And just because some little tart with fat thighs
gives you the elbow, you're in a fit of depression.

She has not given me the elbow! Monica and I are having
difficulties getting it all together on a one-to-one basis.

So my mate, Mickey Pearce -now he's lived with a woman -
he advised us to have a two-week trial separation.

A two-week trial separation?
Cor, come on, you've only known her for two weeks!

What is it then Rodney, a fortnight on,
a fortnight off like sentry duty?

I am not going to phone her Grandad,
that's all there is to it! Plenty more chicks around.

Yeah, alright then - well come on. I reckon your best bet is
to have a blind date with a Samaritan!

I'll survive Del. And Monica
has not got fat thighs!

- She's got fat thighs!
- She has not!

Look, I was down the Nag's Head
disco last night and either she's got fat thighs

or she was bopping the night away in a
pair of jodhpurs!

Monica was out dancing?

Yeah! Here, with your mate
Mickey Pearce as it happens!

Oh yes - this came in with a Chesterfield and a gross of
electric toothbrushes as a part-chop on a Vanden Plas.

Still, clean it up a bit,
couple of new tyres!

Yeah, yeah, a new engine,
new body, and you've got a nice little motor.

There's 98,000 miles on the
clock! Is that genuine?

Shut up Rodney. Be honest
Boycie, I mean seriously, it's a bit of a pig!

Well what d'you want for 50
quid?

Ah, well now you're talking!
I'll take that.

What do you want, cheque or
shall I give it to you with the old readies?

You would an' all wouldn't you?

Oh certainly. No, no, it's
handsome though, innit?

You know it's only E-Type Jaguars and Sebastian Coe
that can make me feel proud to be British these days!

Yeah, I know what you mean
Boycie. Why haven't you go this up at the front?

It's not for sale Del, my old mate. As a matter of fact I'm
looking for a place to hide it for a week.

I bought it as a birthday present. I'm dead
scared the wife's gonna see it and suss it all out.

Spoil the surprise?

Spoil everything Rodney, it's
a birthday present for my bit on the side!

You what?

His bit on the side, his bit...
Never mind Boycie.

It's so long since Rodney had a bit on the
side he didn't know they'd moved it!

Wait a minute! Hang about...Mon dieu,
you want to hide this for a week, right?

We've got an empty garage round
on the estate. I can pop it in there for you if you like.

Be handy Del, save me a lot of
aggro. Right well. I owe you one Del.

No, forget it Boycie. I mean if you can't do a pal a favour
without expecting something in return! I mean...

How much did you say you wanted
for that again?

What's the matter? Brakes a bit
spongy are they?

Brakes! What bloody brakes? I
nearly killed myself Del! It's a death trap!

What do you expect for 25 quid?

- Your shock absorber's gone!
- Well it has now!

- What's it like?
- What's what like?

The car you dingo, what you
think I'm talking about, yer flaming coffee?

The car? Oh well, you know,
it's er...it's...it's...

It's a bit over-priced!

It's a bit over-priced, yeah,
that's what I was going to say!

Says 23,000 on the clock! Is
that genuine?

23...Well the last time I
looked there was over...

22,500, quite right Rodney. No
I had the RAC do a 500-mile road test on it.

Well you know better safe than sorry that's
what I always say. It's beautiful though isn't it?

Beautiful. What do you think?
Son et lumiere wouldn't you say?

Well, I don't know if I'd go
quite that far!

Oh yeah, I mean, look at this
eh? Genuine leather upholstery that.

Where would you find genuine leather
upholstery like that these days, huh?

Do you know what the East African
gazelle became an endangered species for this model,

sacrifice well made I'd say wouldn't you?

No, it's an enthusiast's model this one and
I can see that you are, in fact, a genuine enthusiast!

Don't give me that crap mate! I can make up me own mind
and I don't need any help from no Cockney villain!

Cockney villain! Cockney
Villain! Now there's no need to be like that sir,

I mean after all the British and the
Australians are cousins across the sea, ain't they.

I mean if your great grandad hadn't have
been a bloody villain you could have been one of us!

Say no more. C'est la vie. San fairy ann. Allow me to point
out some of the optional extras on this one, sir, for you.

Look at that; the anti-dazzle mirror.

In here you'll notice that we've got the old - look
at that - the one - speed wiper, and...

..er, we've got automatic windows.
Oh yeah a perfect example of the sporting tourer,

and of course, it comes
complete with a full two-weeks MOT still left to run.

How many owners?

How many owners? I'm glad you
asked me that sir.

Because it's only had the one owner from
new...and that, of course, was a vicar!

- A vicar?
- A vicar!

A vicar! Used to use it to drive backwards and
forwards to church on a Sunday that was all.

Oh look at that. Only left his
Bible in the glove compartment.

As I was walking through Earl's
Court. Into a pub I was lured.

Where a nosy Pom said, 'Where you from?'
as I downed the amber fluid.

I said 'Get it straight, I'm an Aussie mate.
And I'm fixing to get plastered.

But the beer is crook. And the birds all look.
Like you, you Pommy...'

Grandad.

Cheers Del Boy.

Alright. Go out and buy yourself
a crate of Odour Etares.

Yeah. I've heard they're good!

Oh they are - they are. Blood murder to swallow though!
Here, where's Peckham's conscience?

Oh he's in his room pining about
that little fat bird! Women!

You wouldn't remember when I
married yer Grandmother!

The first night we was in bed
and - well you know Del!

What?

Well, doing what you do when
the lights are out!

Holding a seance, was you?

No! You know what I mean! Anyhow, right in the middle
of it, d'you know what she said to me?

No, what?

She said 'What d'you fancy for
dinner tomorrow?

- What d'you fancy for dinner tomorrow!
- Bad innit?

Bet that didn't happen to Omar
Sharif! Anyway what did you say?

- Steak and Kidney pudding I think!
- Isn't love wonderful!

Aye up. Look out the room is
full. Where you going? Fancy dress party?

No I'm gonna do what Monica was
doing last night.

Oh going dancing with Mickey
Pearce are you?

No! I'm going out - I'm gonna
paint the town red - rip it up a bit!

Oh yeah, where you going,
Streatham?

No, I'm not going to Steatham
Del! I'm gonna hit a few clubs up West.

- What? You up West?
- Yeah

You'd need a bloody compass to
find it, you would.

I am often up West Del, I'm one
of the faces!

One of the faces! Do me a favour
Rodney.

Two halves of lager at the British Legion Club is like
a walk on the wild side for you!

Just leave me to live my own life would you!
And what do you mean 'fancy dress'?

Well just - wonder why you were
hitting the West End looking like a praying mantis.

Just lay off me Del. Is that the money from the Cortina?
That death-trap you sold to Skippy?

- Yes, look, there was nothing wrong with that car!
- Nothing wrong!

The oil light stayed on, the steering didn't always go
the way you wanted it to and the brakes didn't work!

A few minor faults. Anyway, the
oil light didn't stay on, I fixed it.

You mean you actually went to
the trouble of changing the oil?

No, I took the bulb out.

You are great you are Del. I mean, you've done some
pretty doubtful things in your time

but I never thought you'd stoop
to selling instant motorway madness!

Oh shut up you tart!

That money is immoral - that is your handful of silver Del.
That is nothing more than blood money!

Oh, oh is it? Oh yeah.

- Alright then.
- Oi, half of that's mine!

Now you see what I mean don't you eh, Grandad? That is
the mentality of your spoon fed student type.

They walk around all day with Steve Bilko
written on their T-shirts spouting about humanity,

when it comes down to a fight over
a torn fiver they make Genghis Khan look like a pacifist!

Look I was merely stating a fact that half of that
is mine. It don't mean to say I want it!

- Oh I see - don't want this money then Rodney, eh?
- No.

Oh, what bind, I'll have to spend it all myself then won't
I, eh? Oh well, still going out are you Rodney?

Er...Yeah...Do you er, fancy
tagging along Del, I'll show you some of my clubs.

No, no, no really. Look if
you're hard up for a bit of company I'll come, alright.

Hey, hard up for company, you
must be joking. I've got hundreds of friends!

Oh - oh that's alright then -
good.

Yeah. There's the cats from the
evening class for a start.

Cats? Where you going Rodney?
Dancing or ratting?

Ratting I like that.

It means ravers Grandad, swingers! And these guys
really live it up Del, and when I say live I mean live!

Yeah, there's Dave and Bob...
Mike and, and Tony, George...

- Jim.
- Jim...yeah.

- Why don't you go and give 'em a bell?
- Who?

You know, the Beautiful People
from the evening institute!

Er, they're not on the phone

What, you mean all these swingers ain't got a phone
between 'em? Are they on the electric yet?

Alright, alright! Well, you
coming with me, then?

No, no, I'll pop down the Nag's
Head for a light ale later on.

Well your loss Del. I'll tell you all about it in the
morning then, assuming I'm back in the morning.

Yeah alright.

- Well are you coming or not then?
- No!

- Ok then...Well here I go!
- Yeah, see yer then.

- I'll give the birds your regards shall I?
- Yeah, you do that, it's triffic.

Right, well we have take off!

Well make up your mind Del,
you coming or not?

You bloody kids! They can't
even enjoy themselves today can they, eh!

Alright, come on
soppy, let's go and rip it up!

Well if you want to tag along that's fine by me Del!
Er, if you can pay for your own way.

Pay for...don't worry, I've got
the money.

I've got the keys to the van and all - Grandad,
go easy on the iron jelloids tonight.

We're not going up West in a
three-wheeled van are we?

I certainly ain't walking it
Rodders!

Yeah but I mean it's all about images init Del.
I mean you're very suave and debonair.

Yeah well I s'pose I am a bit
ostentatious really. Yeah I am, aren't I?

Still, if I drive, you hide down behind the dashboard
and no one will see us arrive.

What do you mean no one will see us arrive?
I want people to see me arrive don't I, eh?

In a three-wheeled van? Still,
got no choice have we?

Yes we have! Yes we have, we
can take Boycie's E-Type Jag!

The Jag! Are you sure Del, well
upon your shoulders be it son, let's go.

Is it always as dark as this in here or are they holding a
dummy run for a coal miners' convention?

I dunno!

What do you mean you dunno?
I thought you said this was one of your regular clubs.

Well I might have exaggerated
a bit when I said regular.

How many times have you been
here then?

Never!

Never? What you bring us in
here for then?

It looked alright from the outside!

It looked alright from the outside! That's what the
Christians said about the coliseum, you berk!

Not much action for a nightclub
is there!

No, probably something to do
with the fact that it's only half past seven!

- It's the last time I come out with you Rodney!
- Is that a promise you moaning git?

Oi, watch it you. Ah Garcon la
petite pois!

- Parlez vous Fracais?
- Jawohl!

Yes! What can I get for you?

- Um, I'd like a Caribbean Stallion.
- Wouldn't we all dear! What is it?

It's an exotic cocktail ain't it, specially created for the
discerning palates of the international jet-set!

Roger Moore drank one in
Live and Let Die.

I wouldn't put anything past her.

Eh? Yeah well you'd better
write this down hadn't you?

What you want is a shot of Tequila and a shot
of coconut rum and one of Creme de Menthe.

Then you want a
smidgin, just a smidgin, of Campari,

with the merest
suggestion of Angostura bitters.

Right, you top that up with fresh grapefruit
juice, and you shake it - do not stir - right.

Pour that slowly over broken ice. Garnish with a slice of
orange, slice of lime, your occasional seasonal fruits.

Top that off with a decorative plastic
umbrella, two translucent straws and - voila!

- Right! And for you?
- Half a lager please.

Half a lager...Reg Varney drank
one of them in Holiday on the Buses!

- Is he a bit funny?
- I dunno.

He's definitely a bandit that one.
Tonight we dance with our backs to the wall, Rodney!

Wonder what Monica's doing now?

Well, why don't you phone Mickey Pearce,
he might be able to throw some light on the subject!

I don't talk to him no more!

Hey look - come on, I'm your brother ain't I eh?
You can tell me. What broke you two up?

What do you mean 'What broke us up?'
I found out he was dating Monica!

No, not you and Mickey bloody
Pearce - you and the fat bird!

Oh! Well, she thought I was
weird! Well not so much weird, more warped!

Warped?

Yeah. See I've got this fantasy!
Uniforms, they turn me on!

Uniforms? You mean like postmen
and that?

No, women in uniforms. Nurses,
air hostesses and my favourites, policewomen.

Policewomen? But they nick you.
So what you're trying to tell me is that this Monica bird,

the sort of like didn't go a
bundle on this dressing up idea? Is that - that right?

Oh I didn't tell her, I tried
to do it without her knowing.

How the hell do you dress someone up
as Juliet Bravo without them twigging?

I was going to do it gradually, over a period of time.
Last week was her birthday, right,

so I bought her one of them blue serge suits
that Paddy the Greek was selling, right.

I already got her the hat,
white with navy blue peak...

and then for Valentine's Day
I was going to get her some black stockings

and some of them sensible walking brogues
right...then for Christmas...

A whistle and a set of handcuffs! Blimey
you were lucky she gave you the elbow when she did,

those Panda cars cost a bomb you know.
Monica's right about you, you know

you're a pervo Rodney. That is immoral, you
know that, don't you?

Immoral! Today you sold a clapped-out Batmobile
with no brakes. That's immoral, son

There was nothing wrong with
that car. It went didn't it?

Oh it went, yeah, just didn't stop. You're like the chairman
of a cigarette company joining the Festival of Light.

You can die for my profit, but don't
play with yourself in between.

Alright, alright Rodney. Yeah,
well I didn't mean the geezer no harm did I?

I'll pop round and see him tomorrow and pay to
have his brakes repaired. How's that?

That's good. If you do that for
me I'll tell you what I'll do for you.

You'll stop thinking about
policewomen?

No, I'll accept my 50 per cent of the profits.

Oh my cup runneth over.

Half a lager for sir and a Caribbean Stallion for
Mandingo. That'll be seven pounds.

Seven quid, blimey I can get
that for three quid where I come from.

Oh you're from Jersey, are
you? Enjoy your stay.

What's he on about Jersey?

By the way, the barman said
would you like some evaporated milk with that?

Tell the barman to go and get
stuffed.

- Thank you, sir.
- Oh - thank you sir.

No not yet it's only twenty to eight. If we pull them
now we'll have to buy them drinks all night.

But we could take them back to
the flat.

Hey that's an idea, I've got 24
litres of that Yugoslavian Riesling in the garage.

We could pop old Grandad in the
meter cupboard and have ourselves a little party.

Yeah, yeah, go on Del. You can
charm a tortoise out of a shell you can. Go on.

Okay. Now you look, learn and
listen, right.

- Drink up, we're leaving
- Oh you are great, you are.

- You're the last miracle left in the world.
- Shut up and drink will yer!

- Yeah, yeah, are they a couple of ravers?
- They're a couple of geezers.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

- I said I'm sorry!
- Shut up.

I didn't know it was that sort
of place, did I?

A right bleeding night I've had. Become a member of a gay
club, discovered me brother's a pervo,

had a close encounter with two dockers in drag!
You'd better not tell anybody about this, Rodney.

I've got my macho reputation to uphold.

I'm warning you, if one person - just one - calls me
the Naked Civil Servant, and I'll kill you.

Don't be silly Del.
I'm hardly gonna go round bragging

I saw my own brother trying to date
a couple of transvestites am I?

What? It was you who clocked
them you - just shut up, shut up will you.

- Del.
- Shut up.

Corner table to your left. A
couple of birds.

Oh don't start that again, a couple of birds.
It's probably Hinge and Bracket out having a pint.

These are definitely feminine Del,
all the lumps are in the right places this time.

Yeah, where?

No, I don't mean like that you
wally, I mean where here?

Yes that will definitely suit
me. Right, come on, bellies in!

Let's just be ourselves this time shall we? None of
your embarrassing lies! And don't try an' put me down!

- Alright! Alright! And don't you say I'm 35.
- Alright!

Come on then, into action.

Whoops, sorry, look at that
just dropped the keys to the white alpine E-Type Jaguar,

eight track stereo, leather-
look steering wheel! It's not my car, it's his.

Yeah, yeah, it's my car!
Cheers Del!

That's alright. We're just
using it while they service my Ferrari!

He's 35!

Sit down will you - sit down
Rodney, keep yer brains warm!

Go on son. You didn't mind if
we join you girls do you, no? Good.

This is my brother Rodney, and I'm Del, that's
short for Derek, nice name that innit eh - Derek?

- Yeah, very nice. I'm Nicky, this is Michele.
- Nicky and Michele, they're nice names!

- Yes! Not as nice as Derek though, is it, that name?
- Oh no, not a patch on Derek!

Do you come here often?

I don't believe you, I don't
believe you.

Yes - quite often. I haven't
seen you here before!

No, no, it's because we - you
know - don't come to London very much.

- Oh, where do you come from then?
- Peckham.

Originally from Peckham. But we spend most
of our time abroad now for tax reasons.

You know, yeah, we're
on the international professional tennis circuit.

Yeah, he's an international
professional tennis player and I'm his manager.

You must have heard of Rodney, yeah Rodney.
The sporting press call him Hot Rod.

- Don't think I have. What's the surname?
- Trotter!

Doesn't ring a bell, sorry.

No, no that's because we generally concentrate
on the big American tournaments, you see.

Do you ever play Wimbledon?

No, no, we only do the big 'uns!
We've jut come back from the Miami Open...

- Really? You're not very tanned for Miami, are you?
- No, no, it was an indoor tournament.

I mean they call it the Miami Open
and then they go an' hold it indoors.

That's the Yanks or yer though eh?

Anyway we can't complain like because he won it,
he did beat that Jimmy Connelly in the final.

Jimmy Connelly? Don't you mean
Jimmy Connors?

No, he knocked that dildo out in
the first round, nine sets to one!

Actually we're only in London to get
Hot Rodney here measured up for a new bat.

It's a racquet!

Bloody is the prices they charge, darling.

No also we thought it might be an idea
to give him some practice on grass you see.

Because over in the States they
use that stuff called Astroturf.

- What do you prefer, Rodney?
- Pardon?

What do you prefer? Astroturf
or grass?

I don't know. I've never smoked
Astroturf.

You wally!

No, no, we're not
really professional tennis players!

- We know!
- We're just having a laugh.

- Yeah, just having a laugh that's all.
- What do you really do?

We're Concorde pilots!

Light me up a cigar will you
Rodders?

We have struck gold here Del Boy!

It's the Klondike my son - the
Klondike. I mean every bloke's dream innit, eh?

Meeting a couple of sorts with their own
pad in Chelsea.

I hope it's a penthouse, because I'm a
penthouse sort of person.

Know what I mean, balconies - rubber
plants, all that game.

Hey if we can see them next
Friday perhaps we can stay for the weekend

- Yeah, watch Match of the Day!
- Yeah, won't have to spend much will we!

Won't have to spend much...

Honestly Rodney, when it comes down to the nitty gritty you
are completely devoid of any je ne said quoi ain't yer?

I mean, these aren't your two halves of Stingo,
a packet of pork scratchings and Bob's yer uncle type!

No, no, no, we'll
take 'em to a Berni inn! Yes.

I bow to your experience and
wallet there Del. Hey, where' their phone number?

- Oh she wrote it down on my cigar pack.
- Ace! What - what cigar pack's that then Del?

The one I just gave you.

- Del!
- Yeah?

- You know that cigar pack?
- Yeah.

I threw it out the window about
a mile and half back!

Oh that's alright.

You what?
You pranny!

God! I don't believe it. I just
do not believe it!

Now look what you've done Rodney, you've
smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.

Me? You were driving it.

Don't play bloody word games
with me, Rodney!

What's your game pal. What is
your game, are you blind or something?

I'm really sorry about that
mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky...

You! I've been looking for you two
Flaming Gollahs all day long...Now come here!

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