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1
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♪ They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,534 --> 00:00:09,844
♪ That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:10,054 --> 00:00:13,330
♪ So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,534 --> 00:00:16,765
♪ But I am not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,974 --> 00:00:20,853
♪ I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:24,171
♪ Fading away, but I'm not yet expired
7
00:00:24,374 --> 00:00:27,889
♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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♪ One foot in the grave ♪
9
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:37,327
- Are you sure you don't want...?
- No, I want my L4.50.
10
00:00:37,494 --> 00:00:40,088
Then I'm reporting this to the police.
11
00:00:40,254 --> 00:00:44,725
- I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
- God, there he is. I feel sick.
12
00:00:44,894 --> 00:00:48,887
Still here? Another wonderful circular
from ''Reader's Digest''.
13
00:00:49,054 --> 00:00:54,048
I do so look forward to them every morning.
They've got such delightful offers.
14
00:00:54,214 --> 00:00:58,207
Without them, my life would be totally incomplete.
15
00:01:00,414 --> 00:01:05,204
Victor, did you indecently expose yourself
to this girl?
16
00:01:05,414 --> 00:01:10,408
Expose himself? He showed me everything.
He left nothing to the imagination.
17
00:01:10,574 --> 00:01:14,123
You should've started
with the downstairs windows.
18
00:01:14,334 --> 00:01:16,723
Adult hard-core, that's what it was.
19
00:01:16,894 --> 00:01:22,412
I nearly fell off my ladder. I thought I was in
Hamburg, watching a cabaret of bizarre erotica.
20
00:01:22,614 --> 00:01:26,243
She says you were handling your private parts.
21
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:30,845
Of course I was handling my private parts.
I was drying them with a flannel.
22
00:01:31,014 --> 00:01:35,485
What do you expect me to do?
Drape them across the bathroom radiator?
23
00:01:35,694 --> 00:01:40,688
They should get a court order to have
people like you destroyed. I'm going to the police.
24
00:01:40,854 --> 00:01:46,451
See what they say about a dirty old man putting
on a sordid peep show in his own bedroom.
25
00:01:46,654 --> 00:01:50,852
I'm not dirty, I'm not old
and I'm not a man...any more.
26
00:01:51,054 --> 00:01:56,447
Bloody things! How are you supposed
to open these? With a 500-watt chain saw?
27
00:01:56,654 --> 00:02:00,886
It's my fault for washing the curtains.
I should have put the spare ones up.
28
00:02:01,094 --> 00:02:04,245
Why is everything a three-act drama these days?
29
00:02:04,454 --> 00:02:09,244
You've got more time on your hands these days
to worry about things.
30
00:02:09,414 --> 00:02:12,008
You weren't using my blue flannel, were you?
31
00:02:12,894 --> 00:02:15,362
I don't feel like any breakfast today.
32
00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:19,812
I got you that book out of the library,
''Coping With Old Age''.
33
00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:25,731
Two halfwits with silver wigs on the cover,
laughing at the concept of imminent death.
34
00:02:25,894 --> 00:02:30,410
Written by some fat, spangled tart
who does TV game shows.
35
00:02:30,614 --> 00:02:36,610
- It's supposed to stop you getting depressed.
- It depressed me, the chapter on depression.
36
00:02:36,774 --> 00:02:42,770
According to her, when you're miserable, you
think of something nice that happened to you.
37
00:02:42,934 --> 00:02:46,847
I've been racking my brains
for two and a half weeks now.
38
00:02:47,054 --> 00:02:52,845
What about that dream you had, that Norman
Fowler was being burnt alive in an old house?
39
00:02:53,014 --> 00:02:55,574
Ah, yes, I'd forgotten about that one.
40
00:02:55,774 --> 00:02:59,562
And anyway, 60's not old.
You've barely started living.
41
00:02:59,734 --> 00:03:05,730
Hm. Early retirement seems to be suiting Cousin
Geoffrey. Opened up a whole new life for him.
42
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:11,287
''I've never felt so fit. I think I'm in better
shape now than I've ever been,'' he says.
43
00:03:11,454 --> 00:03:13,843
When did he write that letter?
44
00:03:14,014 --> 00:03:17,609
- Thursday. Why?
- This one's from Alice.
45
00:03:17,774 --> 00:03:23,770
She says on the way back from posting that
letter, he had a heart attack and dropped dead.
46
00:03:24,974 --> 00:03:28,762
- He'd only just turned 60, as well.
- Had he really?
47
00:03:28,974 --> 00:03:31,886
- He'd just retired.
- Fascinating.
48
00:03:32,094 --> 00:03:34,608
He was... He was the same age as you.
49
00:03:34,814 --> 00:03:37,965
Jolly good. I'll lie down on the floor and die.
50
00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:43,168
Call the vicar. No need to let him in. He can
shout the last rites through the letter box.
51
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:48,089
It's only a month, as well, since his sister Lucy
contracted that terminal illness.
52
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:52,082
- What, measles?
- She died, didn't she?
53
00:03:52,254 --> 00:03:54,973
She fell off a cliff.
54
00:03:55,174 --> 00:03:59,372
Only because she'd gone to the seaside
to convalesce.
55
00:04:02,214 --> 00:04:05,411
- When's the funeral?
- Wednesday afternoon.
56
00:04:05,614 --> 00:04:09,209
Something to look forward to
in these dismal times.
57
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:12,969
And don't you dare wear
that black top hat again.
58
00:04:14,214 --> 00:04:17,206
You only wear it to look like Freddie Frinton.
59
00:04:26,054 --> 00:04:29,444
(BLARING ROCK MUSIC)
60
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:36,247
Can you turn it up a bit, please? I don't think
they can quite hear it properly in Okinawa!
61
00:04:36,414 --> 00:04:39,406
(MUSIC BLARES LOUDER)
62
00:04:43,454 --> 00:04:45,843
Bloody muck.
63
00:04:59,974 --> 00:05:02,534
(CHIRPING)
64
00:05:02,694 --> 00:05:06,687
Thank you very much.
You never do it in their side, do you?
65
00:05:06,854 --> 00:05:09,652
Just point your bottom in the other direction.
66
00:05:09,814 --> 00:05:14,205
37 Wingate Drive,
the birds' mess capital of Europe.
67
00:05:14,374 --> 00:05:19,767
Fancy crapping in a lupin? Why not drop in
at Victor Meldrew's famous open-air bird toilet?
68
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,888
Well, what do you want now? A worm?
69
00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:37,328
Nice big sausage for breakfast.
70
00:05:39,814 --> 00:05:44,410
Seven chocolate wrappers. Makes you wonder
why they bother about funerals.
71
00:05:44,574 --> 00:05:49,853
''Grandma's dead. Shall we bury her?''
''No, just sling her over that bloke's fence.''
72
00:05:50,054 --> 00:05:54,047
Victor, there's two visitors for you
in the front room.
73
00:05:54,214 --> 00:05:56,728
I think it's about erm... You know.
74
00:06:07,214 --> 00:06:09,774
- Victor Meldrew?
- Yes.
75
00:06:09,974 --> 00:06:14,365
- I wondered if we might have a word with you.
- Oh, God.
76
00:06:14,574 --> 00:06:18,487
- On the subject of obscene behaviour.
- It's all very simple...
77
00:06:18,694 --> 00:06:21,288
A lot of it going on these days.
78
00:06:21,454 --> 00:06:27,529
Acts of unbridled filth perpetrated by perverts
and sexual deviants who should know better.
79
00:06:27,734 --> 00:06:33,730
- I'd just got out of the bath and I was...
- How do you think God feels about all this?
80
00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:38,405
How do you think the Lord feels about
so much sin in his holy kingdom on earth?
81
00:06:38,614 --> 00:06:44,007
If we look at Proverbs 6, Verse 12,
I think we can find the answer.
82
00:06:44,174 --> 00:06:47,086
''A naughty person, a wicked man, walk...''
83
00:06:47,254 --> 00:06:49,563
You're Jehovah's Witnesses.
84
00:06:49,734 --> 00:06:53,727
You're bloody Jehovah's Witnesses!
I thought you were policemen.
85
00:06:53,934 --> 00:06:57,927
Well, we are policemen.
On our days off, we work for God.
86
00:06:58,094 --> 00:07:01,484
- Get out!
- Let me read something. ''In the beginning...''
87
00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:03,645
Get out of my house!
88
00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:08,604
All of us need a moment of soul-searching
reflection in these iniquitous times.
89
00:07:08,774 --> 00:07:14,167
I know my rights. You can't search my soul
without a warrant. Go on, get on out of it!
90
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,643
Bloody cheek.
91
00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:21,846
They said they were from a higher authority.
92
00:07:22,054 --> 00:07:27,526
What's God ever done for me? Got me fired,
and drops bird mess all over the garden.
93
00:07:30,174 --> 00:07:32,642
I've got a pain in my chest now.
94
00:07:32,854 --> 00:07:37,974
What sort of pain? Does it feel as though
there's an elephant standing on your ribcage?
95
00:07:38,174 --> 00:07:40,768
- Exactly.
- How do you know?
96
00:07:40,934 --> 00:07:44,643
Have you ever had an elephant
standing on your ribcage?
97
00:07:44,814 --> 00:07:48,807
- Not recently, but...
- Why do you say such stupid things?
98
00:07:48,974 --> 00:07:51,966
For goodness' sake! Think of something cheerful.
99
00:07:52,134 --> 00:07:57,128
What shirt will you wear to Geoffrey's funeral?
The one Alice bought you last Christmas?
100
00:07:57,294 --> 00:08:03,290
- I thought you'd cut that up for dishcloths.
- An act of self-sacrifice. She'd appreciate it.
101
00:08:03,454 --> 00:08:06,252
My pulse has stopped now. I'm clinically dead.
102
00:08:08,294 --> 00:08:13,607
I know what would do you good.
I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
103
00:08:15,254 --> 00:08:18,849
And stretch...and stretch...and stretch.
104
00:08:19,014 --> 00:08:22,006
And stretch, and stretch, and stretch.
105
00:08:22,174 --> 00:08:26,167
Come on, now,
really stretching...those...muscles...
106
00:08:26,334 --> 00:08:29,326
to keep them nice and supple.
107
00:08:31,534 --> 00:08:34,526
All right, shake out, everybody! Tootsies!
108
00:08:34,694 --> 00:08:37,686
Hands! Come on, give everything a good shake.
109
00:08:38,454 --> 00:08:40,649
And sit down.
110
00:08:40,814 --> 00:08:44,568
Remember, we mustn't overdo it.
Not now we've retired.
111
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:51,088
Now we're elderly, we have a host of problems
that can afflict all of our limbs and organs.
112
00:08:52,094 --> 00:08:54,892
The doctor says I have to watch my liver.
113
00:08:55,094 --> 00:08:57,483
Oh, dear, Len. Does he?
114
00:08:57,654 --> 00:09:00,691
And I have to watch my liver, as well.
115
00:09:00,894 --> 00:09:04,489
I spend hours watching my liver.
It's a constant joy.
116
00:09:04,654 --> 00:09:09,091
For all-round entertainment
it beats the pancreas into a cocked hat.
117
00:09:09,294 --> 00:09:12,809
- I've got very brittle bones.
- Have you, Elspeth?
118
00:09:12,974 --> 00:09:17,172
Yes. Last year I had a plastic hip inserted
under Kenneth Clarke.
119
00:09:17,374 --> 00:09:20,969
- Oh, I say.
- It's a miracle of medical science.
120
00:09:21,134 --> 00:09:26,606
Apart from seizing up every now and again,
leaving me paralysed and in unbearable agony.
121
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:32,529
Dearie me. I'll tell you what I'd like to do now.
122
00:09:32,694 --> 00:09:35,970
It's called...yoga.
123
00:09:36,174 --> 00:09:41,373
It's good for folk like us who are not quite
as young and nimble as we'd like any more.
124
00:09:41,534 --> 00:09:43,923
It comes from a place called...
125
00:09:47,214 --> 00:09:49,205
..Asia.
126
00:09:49,374 --> 00:09:51,524
And here...
127
00:09:52,894 --> 00:09:58,890
Here you can see it being practised
by a senior citizen from the Himalayas.
128
00:10:00,214 --> 00:10:03,206
Now, I'm going to try something very simple.
129
00:10:03,374 --> 00:10:05,888
Tuck your feet under your legs, like that.
130
00:10:07,014 --> 00:10:09,528
Keep your back nice and straight.
131
00:10:09,694 --> 00:10:11,889
That's right.
132
00:10:13,534 --> 00:10:16,731
And just...relax.
133
00:10:19,214 --> 00:10:21,774
Breathe in nice and slowly.
134
00:10:24,574 --> 00:10:27,168
Let your mind go completely blank.
135
00:10:28,774 --> 00:10:31,208
Very good for tension.
136
00:10:32,334 --> 00:10:35,565
Very good for all those muscles.
137
00:10:40,294 --> 00:10:43,286
Just close your eyes.
138
00:10:46,454 --> 00:10:50,447
And drift...away.
139
00:11:00,054 --> 00:11:04,445
How long have we got to sit
in a trance like this, zombie-fashion?
140
00:11:11,054 --> 00:11:14,842
- Are you sure she's all right?
- Will you be quiet?
141
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:18,725
Good God!
142
00:11:18,894 --> 00:11:22,773
- What is it? What's the matter?
- Ohh!
143
00:11:27,494 --> 00:11:29,689
She's dead.
144
00:11:29,854 --> 00:11:33,847
She can't be dead.
She's a bloody health and fitness instructor.
145
00:11:34,014 --> 00:11:36,653
Don't you start, you stupid woman.
146
00:11:36,854 --> 00:11:40,369
There's nothing there.
She must have had a coronary.
147
00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:45,170
Oh, brilliant (!) Doesn't anyone last
any more than five minutes any more?
148
00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:50,613
At this rate, the human race will be extinct
by next Thursday. What are we going to do?
149
00:11:50,814 --> 00:11:55,046
Look, I think you should all go home.
We'll deal with this.
150
00:11:55,254 --> 00:11:59,452
- She's dead! She's dead!
- There's nothing we can do about it.
151
00:11:59,614 --> 00:12:02,287
We're just going to see if we can get some help.
152
00:12:02,494 --> 00:12:05,884
Take her for a cup of tea.
Try and calm her down.
153
00:12:06,094 --> 00:12:08,892
I can't... I can't get up.
154
00:12:09,054 --> 00:12:11,773
Yes, you can. Just ease your...
155
00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:14,732
No, I can't, I can't. Oh!
156
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:17,129
It's my plastic hip.
157
00:12:17,294 --> 00:12:20,047
The ball's got locked in the socket.
158
00:12:20,214 --> 00:12:23,604
It's all right. If I just give it a sharp rap...
159
00:12:23,774 --> 00:12:27,528
Don't you dare! You'll split her leg open!
160
00:12:27,734 --> 00:12:31,932
Treat her gently. I'm going to see
if there's a nurse in the college.
161
00:12:32,094 --> 00:12:35,166
You're not going to leave me with these two?
162
00:12:35,374 --> 00:12:38,047
I can't move. I can't get up.
163
00:12:38,214 --> 00:12:40,808
I think I'm going to faint.
164
00:12:41,014 --> 00:12:47,044
No, you're not. You're going to be fine.
You're not going to faint. You... Oh, great (!)
165
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:50,243
Welcome to Stiff City.
166
00:12:51,534 --> 00:12:56,324
The dead of two world wars.
Come on, waken up, you stupid old...
167
00:13:04,254 --> 00:13:06,848
How am I going to move you now?
168
00:13:13,614 --> 00:13:19,644
No, she was perfectly all right
just a minute before. And then, all of a sudden...
169
00:13:23,614 --> 00:13:26,253
What are you doing?
170
00:13:26,454 --> 00:13:29,048
I'm not shopping for mackerel fillets, am I?
171
00:13:29,214 --> 00:13:33,287
She fainted. Her leg went gammy.
I couldn't leave her in that room.
172
00:13:35,654 --> 00:13:39,249
Take her to the sick room.
The last door on the left.
173
00:13:41,374 --> 00:13:46,926
- Look, do you want to leave this with me now?
- I'll give you a hand till the ambulance comes.
174
00:13:54,454 --> 00:13:59,244
Excuse me. You couldn't take care
of this lady for me, please? She's um...
175
00:13:59,414 --> 00:14:01,928
I don't think there's anything I can do.
176
00:14:02,094 --> 00:14:04,403
Yes. Yes, of course.
177
00:14:12,254 --> 00:14:18,648
Well, that's another evening of rip-roaring
humdingery entertainment drawn to a close.
178
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:22,123
(SIREN WAILS)
179
00:14:31,974 --> 00:14:34,442
30 minutes of ''Watch My Liver'',
180
00:14:34,614 --> 00:14:38,607
followed by a demonstration
of how to snuff it in the lotus position.
181
00:14:38,774 --> 00:14:42,562
You can take those exercises too far.
I've read about it.
182
00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:47,205
You relax so much, your heart stops beating.
It can be very dangerous.
183
00:14:47,374 --> 00:14:51,765
I'll ring the mortuary,
see if they've got any last-minute cancellations.
184
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,647
Excuse me. Do you want her back?
185
00:14:54,854 --> 00:14:58,847
- What?
- The lady you brought in. She's all finished.
186
00:15:06,534 --> 00:15:09,128
What have you done to her?
187
00:15:09,294 --> 00:15:12,286
I brought her in to be given first aid.
188
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:13,853
Oh.
189
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:18,883
I'm creative beauty and advanced hairstyling.
I thought that you wan...
190
00:15:19,094 --> 00:15:20,493
Oh.
191
00:15:25,894 --> 00:15:30,843
There we are. There's breadcrumbs, a bit
of bacon rind, a bit of dead worm I chopped up.
192
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,289
- Victor!
- I know.
193
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:35,843
A proper little feast there.
194
00:15:36,014 --> 00:15:41,532
I'll think of you tucking in as I'm forcing down
cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
195
00:15:46,894 --> 00:15:49,692
(CHIRPING)
196
00:15:56,694 --> 00:16:01,688
You're not going out in those.
What happened to your best black ones?
197
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:06,285
I haven't broken them in yet.
It's like walking with your foot in a bacon slicer.
198
00:16:06,454 --> 00:16:10,493
Every step shaves two inches off your heel.
I'll be in agony.
199
00:16:10,694 --> 00:16:14,084
You put the black ones on, or I'm not going.
200
00:16:20,014 --> 00:16:24,610
I've got two large lumps
on the back of my head now. Oh, God!
201
00:16:24,774 --> 00:16:28,767
Where did they come from?
I've never noticed them before.
202
00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:31,323
Leave that medical dictionary!
203
00:16:32,694 --> 00:16:34,889
They're just glands.
204
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:37,528
I'm not long for this world. Everyone's dying.
205
00:16:37,734 --> 00:16:40,646
Will you stop going on about death?
206
00:16:40,814 --> 00:16:45,410
Oh, yes, I'll just go to a nice funeral
and take my mind off it for a few hours.
207
00:16:45,574 --> 00:16:49,567
Do give over.
It won't be nearly as bad as you imagine.
208
00:16:53,654 --> 00:16:56,452
A hundred times worse than I imagined.
209
00:17:00,134 --> 00:17:02,728
You never told me he was an atheist.
210
00:17:02,894 --> 00:17:05,283
He was YOUR cousin.
211
00:17:05,454 --> 00:17:10,847
I thought it made an interesting change,
a secular funeral, from all the usual hypocrisy.
212
00:17:11,014 --> 00:17:15,804
Yes, well, I could have done without
the head of the local philosophy department
213
00:17:15,974 --> 00:17:19,364
drumming it into everyone there was no afterlife.
214
00:17:19,534 --> 00:17:22,048
That really cheered us all up, didn't it?
215
00:17:22,214 --> 00:17:27,447
Hearing that in the next world we're going to be
the contents of a vacuum cleaner. Look.
216
00:17:27,654 --> 00:17:33,445
Hacked to pieces. And you didn't tell me
it was going to be a perpendicular burial.
217
00:17:33,614 --> 00:17:38,369
He was a green. He always wanted
to be buried in an upright position.
218
00:17:38,534 --> 00:17:41,332
Like sinking a new fence post.
219
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:46,090
If you can't lie down when you're dead,
when can you lie down?
220
00:17:46,254 --> 00:17:49,052
Do you have to do that in the front room?
221
00:17:49,814 --> 00:17:53,602
I'm never going to buy
any more new shoes ever again.
222
00:17:53,774 --> 00:17:59,292
In future I'm just going to stick a razor blade
down each sock. It'll be much cheaper.
223
00:18:01,294 --> 00:18:05,082
Little Jennifer hasn't half shot up
since I last saw her.
224
00:18:05,254 --> 00:18:09,247
- When did you last see her?
- 25 years ago.
225
00:18:09,974 --> 00:18:12,363
Yes, strange, that (!)
226
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:17,047
Brain tumour, brain tumour...
227
00:18:18,774 --> 00:18:20,969
What are you looking up now?
228
00:18:21,174 --> 00:18:26,294
You'll worry yourself to death. You'll imagine
you've got every disease under the sun.
229
00:18:26,454 --> 00:18:30,766
- Green monkey fever. Leprosy. Everything.
- I'm not worried.
230
00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:33,573
- Well, don't.
- I'm not.
231
00:18:33,774 --> 00:18:37,244
You're not suddenly going to die in your sleep.
232
00:18:37,454 --> 00:18:39,763
I know. I know that.
233
00:18:41,694 --> 00:18:44,492
Die in my sleep?! What made you say that?
234
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:50,327
Oh, so-so, Mum, you know.
It's been one of those weeks.
235
00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:54,123
He hasn't stopped fretting.
236
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,243
Death, mainly.
237
00:18:57,414 --> 00:19:01,726
I know. I keep telling him that,
but it doesn't make any difference.
238
00:19:01,894 --> 00:19:04,647
Well, he's always been on the go.
239
00:19:04,814 --> 00:19:08,807
Now, of course, he doesn't know
what to do with himself.
240
00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:12,328
Pottering about the garden, mostly.
241
00:19:12,494 --> 00:19:16,487
Well, I think he's happiest out there, really. No.
242
00:19:16,694 --> 00:19:21,893
No, I try to keep him away from the television.
That's what gets his blood pressure up.
243
00:19:22,054 --> 00:19:26,650
There was that programme on the other night.
''Spontaneous Combustion''.
244
00:19:26,814 --> 00:19:30,807
People suddenly burst into flames
for no reason at all.
245
00:19:30,974 --> 00:19:34,967
Do you think I could get him
out of the shower afterwards?
246
00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:38,848
Well, he's a worry to us all.
247
00:19:39,014 --> 00:19:44,407
Yes. Look, Mum, I'm going to have to go
or I'll be late for the shops. Yes. OK. Bye.
248
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:53,853
Now, you're not going to mooch around
the house all day, worrying about your health?
249
00:19:54,014 --> 00:19:56,528
- No.
- You sure?
250
00:19:56,694 --> 00:19:59,686
- Right. See you tonight.
- Bye.
251
00:20:03,294 --> 00:20:06,092
God, I feel like death warmed up.
252
00:20:06,254 --> 00:20:11,248
Glands aren't that big, I know.
I'm turning into the Elephant Man.
253
00:20:17,774 --> 00:20:23,053
Come on, Meldrew. Pull yourself together.
You're 60 years old... 60 years old!
254
00:20:23,214 --> 00:20:27,207
You're perfectly all right.
It's all in your imagination. Come on!
255
00:20:27,374 --> 00:20:31,447
There isn't a thing wrong with you,
and you know it.
256
00:20:42,774 --> 00:20:45,083
Oh, my God!
257
00:20:46,214 --> 00:20:48,933
It's all over your back, Victor.
258
00:20:49,094 --> 00:20:53,087
I know it's all over my back.
And it's down my arms and chest.
259
00:20:53,254 --> 00:20:55,768
I don't like the colour of that at all.
260
00:20:55,934 --> 00:21:01,133
Why? Does it clash with my underpants?
I'm not too mad on it myself, am I?
261
00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:04,809
- (DOORBELL)
- That'll be Dr Snellgrove.
262
00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:09,007
I feel like Vincent Price
in ''The Masque Of The Red Death''.
263
00:21:09,174 --> 00:21:12,564
- Please come through.
- Evening, Mr Meldrew.
264
00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:17,205
- What can we do for you?
- He's got this nasty rash, Doctor.
265
00:21:17,414 --> 00:21:21,009
Well, let's have a little look at it, then, shall we?
266
00:21:21,174 --> 00:21:24,086
Christ Almighty, it's all over your back, man!
267
00:21:24,254 --> 00:21:27,246
Will you stop saying it's all over my back?
268
00:21:27,414 --> 00:21:29,882
- Got a sore throat?
- No.
269
00:21:30,054 --> 00:21:33,842
- Any fever?
- Yes. But not according to the thermometer.
270
00:21:34,014 --> 00:21:37,609
- I never trust those.
- Show me your tongue.
271
00:21:37,774 --> 00:21:39,969
Hm. I see.
272
00:21:42,014 --> 00:21:44,403
What do you reckon it is?
273
00:21:45,214 --> 00:21:49,207
Well, I don't know, do I?
You're the doctor. You tell me.
274
00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:52,172
I've got two lumps at the back of my head.
275
00:21:53,054 --> 00:21:57,491
- Well, there you are. German measles.
- He's had German measles.
276
00:21:57,694 --> 00:22:00,686
- Really? Scarlet fever?
- I've had that.
277
00:22:00,854 --> 00:22:04,051
- Chicken pox?
- No, you haven't guessed.
278
00:22:04,214 --> 00:22:09,004
I'm afraid I'll have to tell you. Victor Meldrew
was suffering from Spode syndrome.
279
00:22:09,174 --> 00:22:12,962
A fatal disease
that normally only attacks potatoes.
280
00:22:13,134 --> 00:22:18,731
That means he goes through to our celebrity
postmortem carried out by Rod Hull and Emu!
281
00:22:20,894 --> 00:22:23,283
Is he always like this?
282
00:22:33,534 --> 00:22:37,846
If you need anything,
just give me a ring at the florist's.
283
00:22:38,014 --> 00:22:43,008
You know what the doctor said. It's probably
just a virus. It'll clear up in a few days.
284
00:22:43,174 --> 00:22:47,964
And don't stay out here if it starts getting cold.
They forecast fog later on.
285
00:22:48,134 --> 00:22:50,329
Yes, I won't.
286
00:22:54,574 --> 00:22:59,568
Wish I hadn't been rude to those
Jehovah's Witnesses. I know what'll happen.
287
00:22:59,734 --> 00:23:03,727
I'll get to heaven
and they'll slam the door in my face.
288
00:23:05,414 --> 00:23:07,803
(CHIRPING)
289
00:23:11,214 --> 00:23:14,809
Oi, you! I've just planted those!
290
00:23:28,254 --> 00:23:33,248
(HOLST'S ''JOYBRINGER''
FROM ''THE PLANETS'')
291
00:23:55,134 --> 00:24:01,130
So do be extra careful there in the south-east,where driving conditions are hazardous.
292
00:24:01,294 --> 00:24:05,082
Back now to ''The Planet Suite''.
''Neptune.: The Mystic''.
293
00:24:06,334 --> 00:24:08,928
(SOMBRE CLASSICAL MUSIC)
294
00:24:10,854 --> 00:24:13,322
(GROANING)
295
00:24:18,734 --> 00:24:20,929
Oh, God.
296
00:24:21,094 --> 00:24:23,289
Oh, no.
297
00:24:23,934 --> 00:24:26,243
It's happened.
298
00:24:26,414 --> 00:24:29,008
It's happened when I've been asleep.
299
00:24:31,214 --> 00:24:33,808
I'm dead. Oh, God.
300
00:24:35,454 --> 00:24:37,968
Oh, no. It's terrible.
301
00:24:38,134 --> 00:24:40,728
Oh, God. It's worse than I thought.
302
00:24:40,894 --> 00:24:43,010
Oh, God!
303
00:24:49,934 --> 00:24:52,732
(VICTOR MUMBLES)
304
00:24:57,174 --> 00:24:58,573
Oh.
305
00:24:58,734 --> 00:25:00,725
It's you.
306
00:25:00,894 --> 00:25:03,089
It's you, God.
307
00:25:04,614 --> 00:25:07,128
I must be in heaven.
308
00:25:09,494 --> 00:25:13,533
God...I've been waiting for this moment.
309
00:25:13,694 --> 00:25:16,686
Why did you let them kick me out of my job?
310
00:25:16,854 --> 00:25:22,053
Why do you let people throw crisp packets
in other people's gardens? You self-righteous...
311
00:25:22,214 --> 00:25:27,413
Why can't you make rich tea biscuits easier
to open? Answer me that! Answer me that!
312
00:25:27,614 --> 00:25:30,412
Victor! Victor, it's all right, Victor!
313
00:25:30,574 --> 00:25:33,884
Margaret! You're dead, too.
314
00:25:34,974 --> 00:25:37,852
- You're not dead.
- Not dead?
315
00:25:38,014 --> 00:25:40,812
You stepped on a rake.
316
00:25:40,974 --> 00:25:43,966
You're only saying that to make me feel better.
317
00:25:44,134 --> 00:25:46,967
If a patient's dead, he has a right to be told.
318
00:25:47,174 --> 00:25:53,044
Victor, you are not dead.
You are not in heaven. You are still alive. Look.
319
00:25:56,934 --> 00:25:59,846
You mean that man isn't God?
320
00:26:00,054 --> 00:26:03,046
No. That's Mr Partridge. He's got tonsillitis.
321
00:26:09,054 --> 00:26:12,364
Alice's shirt. It would be Alice's bloody shirt.
322
00:26:12,534 --> 00:26:17,324
All these years, and I never knew
you were allergic to Terylene.
323
00:26:17,494 --> 00:26:22,887
Well, I'm just off to pick up
a few squashed Coke tins off the lawn, dear.
324
00:26:28,334 --> 00:26:30,529
Here we are.
325
00:26:30,694 --> 00:26:35,290
Where are you hiding this morning?
Bet you're a thirsty little thing.
326
00:26:48,294 --> 00:26:50,524
(CAT MEOWS)
327
00:27:14,294 --> 00:27:18,287
(RAISED VOICES)
Do you want some, or what?! Eh?!
328
00:27:21,934 --> 00:27:25,131
♪ They say I might as well face the truth
329
00:27:25,334 --> 00:27:28,212
♪ That I am just too long in the tooth
330
00:27:28,414 --> 00:27:31,611
♪ I've started to deteriorate
331
00:27:31,814 --> 00:27:35,204
♪ And now I've passed my own sell-by date
332
00:27:35,414 --> 00:27:39,043
♪ Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
333
00:27:39,254 --> 00:27:42,530
♪ I have to pop my teeth in to chew
334
00:27:42,734 --> 00:27:45,851
♪ And my old knees have started to knock
335
00:27:46,014 --> 00:27:49,211
♪ I've just got too many miles on the clock
336
00:27:49,374 --> 00:27:53,128
♪ So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
337
00:27:53,334 --> 00:27:57,043
♪ It's true that my body has seen better days
338
00:27:57,254 --> 00:28:01,042
♪ But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
339
00:28:01,214 --> 00:28:03,808
♪ One foot in the grave
340
00:28:03,974 --> 00:28:06,488
♪ One foot in the grave
341
00:28:07,694 --> 00:28:09,764
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
342
00:28:09,814 --> 00:28:14,364
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