All language subtitles for Mike and Molly s03e15 Mike the Tease.eng

So my hormone levels are good?

More than good,
they're outstanding, yes.

My soil is ripe for the
planting, Farmer Mike.

Who are you talking to?

My doctor.
He got my test results.

Oh, good, for a second there,
I thought I was getting

roped into doing yard work.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, I'm gonna start pounding
those prenatal vitamins.

I'm gonna have babies coming
out of my ears.

I know
where they actually come out of.

The stork brings 'em, right?

I'm kidding, I'm ki...

Hello?

Why didn't you tell me
you went to the doctor?

I did tell you. I told you
last week I had an appointment

with my gynecologist.

You know I always tune you out
at "gyn."

Certain things I like kept
a mystery.

Your lady business
is one of them.

And how they make pickle
and pimiento loaf is the other.

Well, I'm glad I made
the variety pack.

So, are you worried
or something?

'Cause you said getting pregnant
could take up to a year.

No, it can.

I just wanted confirmation
that I'm healthy

and not sending your troops
on a kamikaze mission.

Cut the metaphors,
let's talk like adults.

Is there something wrong
with my pee-pee?

Good evening, madam.

- Are you the lady of the house?
- Come on, Mike, you know me.

I like to be thorough
and ahead of the game.

Vince, do you mind?

Mike and I are trying to
have a serious conversation.

What is more serious

than a house full
of dirt and dust mites?

Dare I say nothing?

And even though your house
appears to be clean

to the naked eye,

trust me when I tell you,

you are living in filth.

Good evening, sir.

You have a lovely home.

What the hell is he doing?

He got a part-time job
selling vacuum cleaners.

Not just any vacuum cleaner,
this is the Cutlass Supreme

of all-in-one
home-cleaning devices.

Seriously,
I was more worried about me.

As a kid I used to ride my bike
over the railroad tracks.

I wanted to make sure
nothing got rattled loose.

Hey, I rode a boy's bike.

You know how many times
I bounced off that seat

and gave myself
a seven-ten split?

If you're really
worried about it,

why don't you get
tested like I did?

Easy for you...
you just got to lay back,

put your feet up, and thumb
through Good Housekeeping.

Mike, that's a pedicure.

You really don't know how
the pickle loaf is made.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm not done
with my demonstration.

Yeah, you're doing great.

Do the steps,
then leave me a brochure.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Women.

They tell you
everything's fine.

Next thing you know,
they're pointing

an accusing finger
at your crotch.

Well, I understand
Molly's concern.

You're over 35,

you sit
on your big behind all day

and with a cell phone in your front pocket.
So?

That radiation is wreaking
havoc on your precious cargo.

Man, you might as well
just put your junk

in a microwave
and hit the popcorn button.

If that were really true,

they'd put a warning label
on the phone.

Mm. Like a little sticker
with two balls

and a red line through it?

Government don't care
about your scrotum,

they just want your money.

Everything's a
conspiracy with you.

It's all around you, you
just got to open your eyes.

And don't get me started
about microwave ovens.

Here we go.

How much time do you spend

standing in front
of one of those things?

Until it dings, Ralph Nader.

Two minutes,
four times a day.

Breakfast burrito, lunch
burrito, pre-dinner burrito.

I mean, you got to ask yourself,
do you want a baby

or another burrito?

Hey, you know I want
to have a kid.

That's why Molly and I have
been trying so hard.

Well, then you need to take
better care of your spermatozoa.

Start showing it the same love
and concern

you give a bag of M&M'S.

Maybe I could get
one of those lead bibs

from the dentist's office

and make a diaper out of it.

Ha. You joke, but that's the way
you need to be thinking.

In the meantime you should just
go get your sperm tested.

Find out how many koi you got
swimming in your pond.

Oh, no, I'm not going to sit
in a cold, sterile room

with a plastic cup in one hand

and an old porn magazine
in the other.

Unless you have a third hand,

you're going to be there
a very long time.

Plus, they've updated the porn.

There's Asian, German, French.

It's like going through
It's a Small World,

except all the puppets
are humping each other.

Hang on a second.

You mean
you've actually donated sperm?

Hey, there are a lot of
childless couples out there.

It'd be a crime not to share
this genetic treasure chest.

And they pay you to do that?

75 bucks a pop.

That's how I paid
for the snow tires on my Blazer.

Oh, my God.

I'm sitting on a gold mine.

And to think how much money

has already slipped
through my fingers.

All right, I'm done eating.

All right, another bottle
of Chardonnay for the ladies

and one fertility smoothie
for the mommy-to-be.

Hand over the Chardonnay.

No more kids for me.

Yeah, it's a smoothie,
Mom, not a time machine.

Well, if it was,
first thing I'd do is go back

and get my pre-baby knockers.

Boy, you girls sure left
those things for dead.

Well, I'm sorry
that we were hungry

and needed to live.

And most of
that's on Molly.

You know, those kegs were
pretty well tapped

by the time I hit the party.

Back in the day,
these beauties could stop

a whole high school
track team.

And that was just
flopping out one of them.

Well, I'm sorry being our
mother was such a burden.

Well, what's done is done.

Why are you drinking
that green sludge anyway?

Yeah, you said you
were dropping eggs

like a blind
chicken farmer.

I'm just keeping
my uterus fresh.

It's like doing,
you know,

those crossword
puzzles for the brain.

Well, if you're fine,
it's probably the hubby.

He sits in front
of that microwave

like it's a television.

There's nothing wrong
with me or Mike.

It's just taking a little
longer than we expected.

Well, maybe his sperm would have
an easier time

finding your egg
if it came with a side

of bacon and hash browns.

Mom.

Hey, Vin, how'd
it go out there?

I hate people.

They're stupid
and they live like animals.

I got enough hair in my roller
to open a wig store.

Good, so you do have something
to fall back on.

Don't start with me, young lady.

I'm in no mood for your sass.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's your stand on back talk
or horseplay?

You spoiled these brats.

Why are you killing
yourself like this, huh?

I told you, between my
pension and Social Security,

we're going to be fine.

Hey, I will make my own
money and pay my own way.

Vincent Moranto
is not a man-whore.

Good, because that's
a living room demonstration

that no one needs to see.

And to think,

after my first sale,

I was going to start giving
you girls an allowance.

No more.

Okay, well,
hang on a minute.

I was just kidding around,
you know.

How much are we talking about,
Step-Pappy?

He's so sensitive.

Eight, nine, ten.

Hey, what is
going on down here?

You looking
to be Mr. January

in the policemen's calendar?

I just read that keeping
my blood flowing

decreases stress and
increases sperm production.

Wow, working out and reading.

Hello, handsome,
my name's Molly.

I stopped by the library
to peruse a couple of books

on male fertility.

The ones that hadn't been
defaced by teenage perverts

were actually very helpful.

You should see what those kids
do to my health books at school.

They'll add hair to anything.

Anyway, it was very informative.

I had no idea
how important sperm is

to the reproductive process.

Maybe you should've gone
to the library a little sooner.

Did you know the shape
of the male sperm

can actually determine
its value?

No, I thought they all came
pretty much the same shape,

like, uh, like Peeps.

No, golly, no,
some are better than others.

The optimal sperm has an oval
head, a slender midsection,

and a tail that moves
in a wavelike motion.

Oh, I had an uncle like that.

He was in the Ice Capades.

They are little athletes.

You got to feed 'em right
and keep 'em fit

so they'll be ready
for the big game.

Oh, so, what time's
kick-off, coach?

Sorry, ma'am, no game tonight.

All the books say abstaining
for a couple of days

builds up your sperm count
and increases your odds

of fertilization.

Real nice.

You get a lady
all hot and bothered,

you're making muscles
and reading books.

You're a tease, mister.

Well,
if you can't control yourself,

you'd better get out of here.

'Cause I can't do my curls
and fight you off.

One, two, three.

Oh, yeah, guns a-blazing.

Oh, what time is it?

After midnight.

You been down there
lifting weights all night?

No, I fell asleep
on the bench.

Well, at least it wasn't
on the toilet this time.

Scared the hell out of me
when I turned on that light.

I don't know what
it is about reading,

it just knocks me out.

Rough day
out there today?

I got more doors slammed in my
face than a Jehovah's Witness

with a cold sore.

So you didn't
make one sale?

Negative.

If you're standing
in front of a peephole

a hockey mask, holding a
machete and a severed head.

Well, no offense, but
you can't blame the vacuum

for all of that.

You're not exactly
a people person.

What are you talking
about, you big load?

I'm beloved.

You're right.

Hey, can I buy one of those
vacuum cleaners off you?

Really?
No, you just called me a big load.

That's mean.

Don't take it out on me

because your
grapes are seedless.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

These things take time.

Take all the time
in the world.

You can't fight genetics.

You're the only son
of an only son.

That's not a family tree,
that's a stump.

The Biggs don't
procreate out of love,

we do it because we need
someone to mow the lawn

or get the paper.

Well, you can ignore
the facts all you want,

but I'm guessing there's
a goofy chromosome somewhere.

I did have an uncle
with alopecia.

Yikes, that no hair thing?

- Not a one.
- Great guy, though.

He used to give
me sips of beer

and let me draw on his
eyebrows with a Sharpie.

See, you never know.

I actually found out
there was an albino Moranto.

Saw him at a family reunion...
I thought it was my ghost.

Pigs in a blanket, right out
of the oven and piping hot.

Let 'em cool this time.

I'm not buttering the top
of your mouth again.

I'd better not, Mom.

Molly and I are
eating healthier

now that we're trying
to have a baby.

Oh, Princess trying
to sour you on wienies, huh?

Good luck with that.

You used to teethe
on a frozen one.

Maybe that's why I was
the only two-year-old with gout.

I just assumed
you weren't a walker.

While we're on the subject
of gouty babies...

did you and Dad have
any trouble conceiving me?

Oh, it took a while.

Your old man had a hair trigger,
but his bullets meandered.

Is that why you didn't
have another kid?

Yeah.

And I wanted a little girl,

but I couldn't go
through all that again.

It was easier just
to throw a dress

on you every once in a while.

Yeah, thank you for that...
Molly loves those pictures.

You showed up just
in the nick of time, too.

I was packed and ready to leave,

and then that son of a bitch
finally delivered.

So, if you hadn't gotten
pregnant,

you were gonna leave him?

Well,

my mothering instincts
are marrow-deep.

And to deny a child that
precious love would be criminal.

Yeah.

And if your old man
hadn't knocked me up,

I'd have found another
gin-soaked bastard who could.

You look peaked...
for God's sake,

eat a wienie before you faint.

What hell is Rubella?

I think it's a chocolate
hazelnut spread.

- Well, that's the Nutella.
- Oh.

Good. *

They want my entire
medical history.

Just say no to everything,

Otherwise they're gonna put you
on this strange mailing list.

You'll end up gettin' 'The Rubella Monthly'.

No rubella, no diphtheria, no typhoid.

By the way, bought you
some erotic literature.

Help you stimulate your sexy.

You didn't put anything
weird in here, did you?

Well, define weird.

Anything you would like.

No, I gave you a nice wholesome variety.

You know, meat and potatoes.
In fact, I think there's one in there called 'Meat and Potatoes'.

Naughty Nurses,
Ride 'Em Cowgirl,

Asian Antics and Old Cars New Boobs.

I can make these work.

Mm-hmm.

Now, just remember,
while you're in there,

keep a positive attitude.

What are you talking about?

A man's sperm can be
affected by many things,

not just asparagus
and pineapple, okay?

Stress is also a factor.

I'm not gonna lie to you,
I am a little worried.

I mean, what if I can't

give Molly a kid?
See, man,

don't lay all that
on your sperm's tiny head.

You got 'em panicking.

They're swimming
around in circles.

Seriously, Carl, I mean,

she's been talking
about kids since I met her.

What if this is
a deal-breaker?

No, stop it.

Stay positive.

Set an example for your
little white army.

All right, let's do this.

Hey, you're gonna
give Molly

a beautiful baby.

Just keep your eye
on the prize.

A-And don't skip over page 14

in Old Cars, New Boobs.

It's an ad for penis enlargers,

but i-i-it's hot as hell.

Okay, wish me luck.
Yeah.

I'd hug you,
but I don't want that in my head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Break a leg, Mike.

Cha-ching.

And here's my share of
the cable bill, Carl.

Don't give it to me,
cash it in.

This is great.
Easy money.

It's like an ATM
that accepts penises.

Can I go now?

I'm gonna miss my bus.

Well, you should've thought
of that before you made

that disgusting sound
when I bent over

and picked up the eraser.

Everybody else thought
it was funny.

You know what they're gonna
think is really funny?

You being held back a grade.

You can't prove that that noise

didn't come out of you.

You realize that there are
no witnesses here, right?

Your family is gonna believe

whatever I tell them.

I thought I saw your car
in the parking lot.

Got you guarding
the reprobates, huh?

Oh, just a little
after-school detention

for a rather
inappropriate young boy.

I know this one.

What'd you do now,
Two Milk Marvin?

Disrupted my class
by making an obscene noise.

Bronx cheer when you bend over
to pick something up?

Did the same thing to me
when I dropped my soup ladle.

He's gonna learn to behave
more like a gentleman.

Good luck with that.

By the placement of his eyes,

I'm guessing it's
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Your mama a drinker?
Oh, my God.

Okay, Mark, go catch your bus.

Lesson learned.

That ought to scare
him straight.

Actually spooked me
a little bit.

I'm not a mollycoddler.

Here you go.

My knock-'em-up chowder.

Wait, what is this?

Listen, slow sperm runs
in the Biggs family.

They get there eventually,
you just got to give them

a little boot
in the pooper.

Wait, Mike talked to you?

He's worried sick
he can't give you a baby,

and he thinks that you'll
dump him if he doesn't.

What? Who told him that?

I have no idea.

But even if his swimmers
are floundering around,

there's things you can do
to help prime the pump.

Okay, I do not
feel comfortable

talking about Mike's pump
or how I prime it.

Cut out the fancy positions.

Missionaries know a lot more

than just how to get
Bibles to savages.

Okay, I'm grading some papers.
We're talking

flat-backed, spread-eagled,
pretending he's Magnum, P.I.

or whoever floats your boat.

Okay. Thanks for the soup.

Uh, I'll enjoy it
as soon as I...

think I can hold it down.

It's not for you, it's for him.

Add some cayenne
and Worcestershire.

He'll balk at the taste,

but you'll get the pounding
of a lifetime.

Aw, man, I fell asleep again.

I am done with reading.

Hey, Molly, what's going on?

Nothing.

I just wanted
to check in with you

and tell you that I loved you.

Aw, I love you, too.

And no matter what happens,

I'm never gonna stop loving you,

whether we have a baby
or we don't have a baby.

Yeah, but I know
how much you want one,

and I don't want you
to be disappointed.

Sweetie, it's not
about having a baby,

it's about having
a baby with you.

What if I can't give you that?

Then we'll deal with that then.

I mean, there are
a lot of options,

none of which include
me walking away

from the best thing
that ever happened to me.

You mean me?

Of course I mean you.

My big, sexy policeman.

Go on.

And tonight, when you get home,

I'm gonna show you
how much I love you.

Well, what would you do first?

What, you mean when I get home?

Probably hang up my purse
like I always do.

No, I mean,
what would you do to me?

Are you trying
to get me to have phone sex?

Where are you?

I'm at the sperm clinic
with an empty cup in my hand

and two friends outside the door

making kissing noises.

All right, let me lock the door.

I don't want your mom
walking in here again.

Aw, why'd you have
to bring her up?

Now we're gonna
have to start all over.

What are you wearing?

150 million
just in that little cup?

150 million.

We're rich.

We're sperm millionaires.

A-And they're healthy
and shaped right?

Oval heads?

Big, oval heads.

Just like Daddy.

Thank you, Doctor.

What?

I should have sex
with my wife right now?

Yes, sir, I'll do it two times

and call you in the morning.

You heard the doctor.

He didn't say that,
you already hung up.

I know. I lied.
I'm a very bad boy.

All right, get upstairs.

Yes, teacher.

Good evening, ma'am.

I have two words for you:

Solar energy.

Oh...

I have two words for you.

Wouldn't be the first time
I heard 'em today!

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