Original subtitles

Hey, buddy.

Can I get a triple shot of Espresso over ice?

Yeah, we don't do over ice.

Huh?

To preserve the beans' integrity.

The ice would compromise the flavor.

Store policy, so...

Oh, okay.

Uh, so, why don't you just, uh,

draw me a triple shot of Espresso.

Very good. Anything else?

Yeah, a cup of ice.

I'm not doing that.

I'm just looking for the jolt, man.

I'm just trying to get it into my body

as quickly and efficiently as possible

so life feels like it's worth living for two hours.

Flavor is secondary to the buzz.

Don't you get it? You're just a drug dealer.

No ice.

So, what happened next?

W-what do you mean?

I-I-I drove home, and I poured it over ice myself.

Oh, so, it all worked out in the end.

No. It didn't.

You know, I still had to deal

with that condescending idiot and comply.

Right. Right.

What? "The integrity of the bean"?

Are you kidding me?

There was a time where I would have

went "five easy pieces" on that guy.

I would have just unleashed a tidal wave of rage.

Right, well, you changed,

and, you know, good for you, man.

Is it good, though, Ken? I mean, think about it.

How good would it have felt to just unload on that guy?

Got it. Right.

But I'm sober, and if you act like an asshole

when you're sober, you're just an asshole.

I mean, that's my own issue. Ah.

I don't know why I get off on being out of control,

but I was always like that when I was a kid.

My... my heroes were always drug addicts...

You know, Lenny Bruce,

William burroughs, Keith Richards.

Shannon hoon... blind melon.

Shannon hoon from...

I'm sorry. No, I...

Oh, well, I'm just trying to keep up.

Well, look, what I'm trying to say is that I don't...

I don't miss booze and drugs. I miss the chaos. Right. Right.

I miss the war stories.

I miss partying all night,

you know, just pushing the envelope.

Right, right.

I miss, you know, playing chicken with my sanity,

and then the sun comes up, dawn breaks,

and you feel victorious

just 'cause you lived through it.

I mean, you can't feel that kind of high

unless you're completely out of control.

I mean, you know what I'm talking about?

I mean, you know what I'm talking about, right?

Sure. Yeah.

Won't fall for it

you can't see

and you can't tell

I just can't drink from a poisoned well

hey, dude.

I, uh... I dug what you had to say in there, man.

Just hearing your story really made me feel better.

You know, s-sounds like we did some whack shit back in the day.

Yeah, crazy times.

Can't say I don't miss 'em.

And now, 10 years sober, man,

you might as well be standing on mount Everest, to me.

Well, like I said inside, it took me 15 years

to get the 10 under my belt I have now.

Are you new?

Just did two years in the can, man.

That's nothing compared to the 12 days I got sober.

Yeah, I'm sure you feel insane.

That's because you're actually having feelings.

Those cookies work?

Not really.

I ate 20 of them.

Cookies are fine, man.

The important thing is you're not drinking today.

Yeah, hey, you know what?

I'm supposed to find a sponsor, man.

Are you up to it? Absolutely.

Good. I've been praying on it.

But I think I'm gonna need somebody

a little more hands-on than Jesus.

I've never collaborated with Jesus,

but I-I think I can help you out.

Your first mistake was drinking that shit coffee in there.

You know what I missed most in the joint?

Bourbon.

Damn, I love that shit.

Ah, pounding bourbon was my thing, man.

One night, this other comic and I drank a fifth,

we crashed this party up in the hills,

and I, uh...

I-I just kind of got sick.

Wow.

I thought there was more of a story there.

You know what? The doctor pronounced me dead.

Half-hour later,

I was pounding down shots to my health.

I almost died.

I was coked up, out of my mind, in bed.

My heart was pounding, felt like it was gonna explode.

Didn't know what to do.

Masturbated four times.

Saved my life, man.

You know what I really miss?

Boy, it's that first fix of dope.

Damn, I can almost taste it.

Yeah?

I never actually got around to the whole needle thing.

You know what? We got to get you fixed.

Yeah!

I mean no! No way, man!

That's behind me... And you.

Jesus.

That's why I need you, maron.

I'm a bad man. I've done some bad shit.

Hey, don't worry about it, man.

You're gonna get your side of the street clean

on this stuff, make amends. Next.

Hello?

I said, "next." Oh, hey.

Look, I know you have your little rules here,

but can't I get a triple shot of Espresso over ice?

Uh... A-absolutely.

N-no problem, sir.

Ah, good.

And we're in a rush, so, uh, let's do this.

Hey, thanks again for the lift, man.

Sure.

What do you want... Jelly or coconut?

No, no. I'm good, man.

Hey, what's halfway-house living like, anyway?

I mean, is it all ex-cons?

'Cause I think that would make

for some interesting dinner conversation,

and who does the cooking?

I mean, does everybody chip in or...

Hey. It's not a commune. It's a shit hole.

Eh...

But I guess after the life I've lived, man...

it's all I deserve, man.

Anyway, who am I kidding?

I, uh...

I think maybe this is a mistake, man.

You know, maybe I'm too far gone.

No, no, no, no. Wait. Let's cut the pity party.

That attitude won't get you another week.

You got to start today.

And don't worry, buddy, I got your back on this.

You know what you are? I mean, you're like

that little fairy angel on my shoulder.

Well, I don't know if I would have chose those words,

but, uh, yeah, sure. O-okay, man.

All right, I'll see you at the next thing, man.

I got to get started ahora mismo.

You know what I mean? We got some big wrongs to right.

"Ahora mismo" means "let's go!" Let's go!

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Hey, give me a hand with it.

So, uh, good chat with your buddy?

What is all that, anyway?

You never seen a gym bag and a burro pi?ata before?

Less chitchat, more drive-drive.

We're on a schedule, angel.

Got to say... Don't love that nickname.

Just a little business I got to put to sleep.

Got you here to keep me on the straight path.

No problema.

Yeah, don't do that, man.

Uh, in fact, don't talk much.

Sure. I can play like that.

And don't be afraid, 'cause these guys feed on fear.

What?!

Well, look who finally decided to roll through.

My feelings were getting hurt, dawg.

Who's the Jew-faced lawyer?

My mother wishes. I actually am a comedian.

I do a podcast out of my house,

and I just... I'm here with him to...

Better tell your boy to shut up

before I send him back to brentwood

without his kneecaps.

Actually, I just live up here. I'm right up on, uh...

You know what? The address doesn't matter.

I said, "shut up."

I want out, Holmes.

You hear that, dawg?

Manny's got jokes.

Both you and me know there is no out.

You chose the life, homeboy.

Thanks, bro.

Now, what you got for me?

Okay.

Let's celebrate.

Luis, go grab the scorpion.

See this bottle right here?

This is from one of the oldest mescal families in Mexico.

I'm not drinking anymore.

You ain't what?

So, that's what this is about?

You're what? You're going civilian now?

What you gonna do?

Laser off those skull and titty tattoos?

Start a landscaping company?

Wear some Jean cutoff shorts

while you trim your hippie lawyer's hedges?

That's what you're gonna do?

Well, let me tell you something, homeboy.

I can't trust a man that won't drink with me.

Quit looking at your furry Jew!

All right. T-this is ridiculous, okay?

R-really, I mean, I get it.

You guys are badasses. I'm terrified.

I don't know what's gonna happen here, but this is stupid.

I mean, are we really even debating

that addiction is a disease?

Would you force-feed candy

to a little diabetic baby's face?

Would you drag your wife with skin cancer to the beach?

Would you give a known killer a gun?

Okay, that... That's a bad example.

Would you give something bad to a bad person

that would make them worse?

And you don't trust a man that won't drink with you?

That doesn't even make sense, man.

What is this? The wild west?

Got an uncle who's got seven years sober.

I get it.

So, are we cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

Great.

Just fyi.

You shouldn't be so condescending.

You gentrified assholes come up in my neighborhood

thinking you know better?

It's insulting.

Don't slap the gentrification thing on me.

I was here after the gays fixed things up,

but years before the hipsters came in, all right?

I buy my cat food at a bodega, okay?

I'm just not that guy.

I go to cinco de Mayo parties, bro.

Yeah, that's who I am.

All right. We're going. We're going.

Oh, man! That was insane!

Hey, you really did good, man. Whew.

If anybody deserves a jelly doughnut, you do.

No, no, no. That's all you. I'm good, man.

Hey.

I've watched you eyeing this bag ever since you got in the car.

Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.

You wouldn't get it.

Oh, man, now you're condescending me.

You mean "to me."

Ah, forget it, man.

I-I-I got issues, and they're embarrassing...

Food issues.

Jesus Christ, you sound like a woman.

No, I don't.

Why? Do I look fat?

In prison, you'd be, like,

a little bitch Christmas present.

Yeah, I kind of figured that.

Even on a good night,

I wasn't that much of a top with my ex-wife.

Wow. M-m-my brain hurts, man.

How'd we get here?

Well, I-I don't know.

I guess it goes back to my parents.

Beat you, huh? Me too.

No, not exactly.

Oh, man. They had sex with you?

No, man. No.

Well, shit, Holmes. I'm all out of ideas.

Look, my mother had food issues,

so when I was a kid,

I think she just saw me as an extension of her fat.

So, basically, it's all about conditional love.

You mix that with an insanely addictive personality,

and then you end up with a guy

that's not a ton of fun at a dinner party.

Uh, you were right, Holmes.

I don't get it.

I told you. Hey.

But to admit to whatever the hell you admitted to...

Wow.

You got some pretty big cojones, angel.

Okay, so, break it down. What's the scenario here?

Are we going in cowboy style or what are we gonna...

You're gonna stay in the car.

Yeah, okay. I can do that.

I got some amends to make... An old friend.

I'll be out in a few.

You got an iPhone?

Yeah.

Can I see it?

No, you can't see it.

I got to call my mother, tell her where I am.

Do I look stupid to you?

A little.

How about me and my buddy gordo take your car for a spin.

I got to pick up my girl.

No. No, you can't take my car for a spin.

I got to go.

And please...

don't mess up my car.

Where you going, professor?

Hello? Hola?

Whoa!

Sorry, fellas. My bad.

Wait, wait. Time out.

This isn't sober behavior. What are you doing?

I'm making amends.

This is the reason I went to the joint.

He's a rat! Think it through, Manny.

It's all I thought about for two years.

All right, good point,

but I-it looks like this guy's pretty banged up.

I think he's learned his lesson.

You're sorry, aren't you, guy?

You sorry?

Hey! Son of a bitch! What the hell?

I was trying to help! Ayudar! Ayudar tu!

I speak English, asshole.

There's got to be some other way to get closure, man.

Do you want me to talk about it?

Do you want me to share my feelings, huh?

Do you want me to tell you I feel like killing him?

I was thinking more along the lines

of banging his girlfriend.

Why do you care about this cockroach, anyway?

I don't care about him. I care about you.

And this is no way to start your life over.

I really wish you would have stayed in the car.

Okay.

But I still want to kick his ass a little bit.

Your girlfriend preset these stations?

That's all you have to say? What were you thinking, man?

I mean, I could have been charged

with accessory to murder.

You think anybody on this street is gonna call the police?

That's white-man shit, Holmes.

You got to chill out.

Hey.

Here's a little something for you.

What? I don't want your blood money.

Whatever.

I stopped you from killing a guy, you chip in for gas...

Fair trade.

Hey, I never said I wasn't gonna kill him.

Just not today.

You know, like you say, you know, "one day at a time."

You know, for a comedian,

you sure ain't got much a sense of humor.

Tell me a joke.

I don't... I don't really do joke-jokes.

Well, then, what the hell are you, then?

It's more observational humor, you know, about my life.

I try to make a connection with the audience.

You sound hilarious, Holmes.

Oh, hey, wait! Pull over! Pull over!

Cops? Where? What?

No, no, no, no. Just pull over.

Mmm!

Man, I got a ice-cream headache,

but this thing is so good, I can't stop eating it.

Oh, you're being such an asshole.

Mmm!

After the day you've had, man,

you deserve, like, a little treat, man.

Trust me on this, angel.

Oh!

I don't want your cooties.

Wow! You were right, man. God, that was good.

And the best part is I didn't overdo it.

That's good to hear.

Yeah, I mean, besides caffeine, sugar, and jerking off,

we addicts don't have anything we can do for pleasure anymore.

I probably shouldn't lean so heavy on the other two.

Uh-huh.

I should probably get you back.

If I'm not at the gym by 7:00, all the ellipticals are gone.

All right, man. I got one more stop to make.

I need you to make a delivery for me.

Hey, what gives?

If this pi?ata's so important,

why don't you deliver it yourself?

You know what? Kill your lights.

Hey.

When I told you I'd help you restart your life,

I thought it'd be fielding a few late-night phone calls,

help you take an inventory,

maybe be your sober buddy at Cinco de Mayo.

But in one day, I've been in a literal Mexican standoff,

harassed by 10-year-olds, made an accomplice,

and I even ate chocolate-chip ice cream!

Shit!

And now you want me to deliver a donkey

because you promised it's cool?

I'm starting to think your promises don't mean shit.

I'm starting to think maybe you were right.

Maybe it is too late for you to straighten out your life.

This house?

Hello.

Hi. I think this is for you.

Are you grandpa's parole officer?

No, I-I'm grandpa's buddy.

No, hang on. Wait.

No. No. Come on.

In those moments where I romanticize the crazy life...

The drinking, the drugs, the partying...

It's through a different lens now.

I've done it. I don't think I could ever do it again.

I don't think I'd survive it, because, frankly, I'm too old,

but that doesn't even address the core of the issue.

Look, I get it.

If you're into that shit and you can't stop,

you're out of control.

But what I can tell you is if you do stop it...

You'll realize that it's a waste of energy... life energy,

and you'll realize that you want nothing more

than to stay alive for as long as possible.

Sorry about before.

After a lifetime of screwing things up,

you can't fix everything in a day.

Yeah.

That last stop was the only one that really mattered.

Hey, man. Here's my number.

If you ever feel like drinking or talking or killing a guy,

give me a call.

Hey. How about a triple shot of Espresso over ice?

Gotcha.

Good man. That hat's growing on me.

Hey, throw in a jelly doughnut, as well.

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