All language subtitles for Maron s01e03 Marcels Dad.eng

I'm maron. That's my last name,
but I'm Marc maron.

I live here alone with monkey,
boomer, and lafonda.

They're cats.

I had a wife... two, actually...
But they're gone.

They're no longer with me.

They're not dead.
Well, they're dead to me.

Well, actually, I'm dead to one.

The other one
I could probably get back.

I have a mother
who lives in Florida.

I have a brother who lives
in Arizona.

I have a lunatic bipolar father.

I don't know where he is,
and that's a blessing.

His name is Larry.

Why are you telling me this?

Why am I getting mail
for my dad?

Do you want me to explain
the U.S. postal service to you?

It's from the dmv.
Can I open it?

It's a federal crime,
and I'd have to report you.

Pete,
this is your year, man.

This is the year that
you graduate from alt comedy

to mainstream.

I'm gonna land you
your own talk show.

I can totally see that,
'cause I love to talk,

and people love
to hear me talk.

Hey, Teddy. We having
a meeting or what?

Well, uh, no.
It's... it's okay, Natalie.

Hey, man. I'm sorry. Do we have
a meeting on the books?

Yeah, for, like,
two weeks now.

What the hell is Pete Holmes doing here?
Hey, man.

Your manager just signed me
as a new client.

Stop it! That's not
even a real laugh!

Oh, you guys know each other?
I didn't know you were friends.

Eh. Eh.

You know what?

I'm not gonna take up
all of your time.

I know you have other things...
Yeah.

That you got to give him
a lot of attention and guidance.

Squid it, squid it,
squid it.

So, nobody tonight,
though, right?

Absolutely.

We're doing
the omakase menu. Yeah.

It's gonna be omak-awesome.

Oh, god.

By the way, Marc,

if, you know... when this
talk show becomes a reality,

I would totally consider you
for the writing staff,

if you want to...

Put together a packet,
maybe ping and pong.

We'll talk about it. We'll
talk about it. Oh, god.

Ping and pong it
back and forth, okay?

That's a great idea,

'cause I could
commission that twice.

Monologues, sketch ideas.

I've been waiting
out there a half-hour.

Yeah, look, I'm...
Why are you looking at my hair?

What?

Does it look okay?

Yeah, it looks fine.

'Cause I thought
it looked fine.

Are we having a meeting?
Come on.

Absolutely. Yeah.
Let's have a meeting.

I want to shop.
Let's do both.

Come on. We'll meet and walk.
Or walk and meet.

Two things at once.

1,200 bucks
for a pair of shoes?

Can you believe this?

I can't believe there's
only five pairs of shoes here.

I'm taking them.

I look fat, right?
Do I look fat?

You look fine. Can we make it
about me for a second?

Yes, of course. Hey,
what's up with Marc maron?

I'm doing a podcast.

Ugh. Podcast?

Marc, everyone's
doing podcasts, okay?

And no one is making money
off of it.

No, I'm...
This is blowing up, man.

I was number 18 on iTunes.

Yeah? What was number one?
Uh, "this American life."

That's an npr show, right?

Yeah, that's
a great business model...

Begging for money.

Teddy, podcasts are the future
of show business.

Internet
and tweets and tumblr...

Shit, I don't know how any of it
amounts to any real money.

I'm thinking about getting two pairs.
Slow down, Teddy.

If you buy all five,
they'll have to close the store.

Again, funny. See?

Why are you wasting your time
with this podcast stuff?

Because I have
nothing else going on.

Okay, that's true. I get it.

I'm... I'm working
as hard as I can for you.

Look, I'm getting big guests,
all right?

You know who wants
to do the show? Jeff garlin.

Okay, nobody's coming down
to your basement.

I do it in my garage, man.

Where do you put the car?

In the driveway,
but t-t-that's not important.

The thing is,
it's killing, and I w...

Oh, you know what?
It's a client. Do you mind?

You want me to leave?

Yeah.

Dick.

Hey. How's it going?

No, I'm watching it right now.
You're fantastic.

You'll never make a lot of money

until you make someone else
a lot of money.

I mean, you'll make enough
to survive.

But if you want
a vacation house on the cape

or a sherpa to carry
your coffee grinder up Everest,

it's not gonna happen

until you make yourself
an exploitable commodity...

Not really my thing,

but I can tell you this
from experience.

It's easy
to maintain your integrity

when no one is offering
to buy it out.

Terrific. Thank you.

Yeah, I-I promise
Jeff will have a good time.

Well... well, whatever's
easiest for Jeff.

I'm more than happy
to come out there.

No, absolutely,
we can do it here.

I mean, I... I, uh...
I always do the show here.

Yeah, but, again, whatever
makes it easier for him.

What the hell?

Great. Thank you.

Maron's mix?

What the hell
is dad doing, Josh?

Making vitamins?

How do you even
get your own vitamin line?

I don't know.

Mexico,
Czech Republic, China?

You can get anything
on the Internet.

When did he learn
how to use the Internet?

Look, I don't know.
He's obviously manic right now.

Hey, put that down!
It's from grandpa.

It's probably dangerous.

What, so he comes back
into our life to drag us

into some sort of crazy
black-market supplement ring?

Oh, man.

I knew there was a storm
coming when I woke up.

The cats were freaked out.
One of them's missing.

They got a sense, buddy.

They know when shit's
gonna go down.

It's just not clear
when or where,

but they are on it and gone.

Tyler, Jordan, stop it!

My kids are now beating the shit
out of my wife's kids.

Did I screw up my life?

I got to go.

Bye.

Oh, shit.

Hey.

Remember me?

Hey, dad.

I was on... on the west coast,
so I thought I'd stop by.

Hey, look at you.

What the hell happened?
Geez. You look 50.

Well, I-I am almost 50.

Oh, yeah, right.
October 12th.

September 27th.

Oh. No. Your brother's
October 12th.

No. April 1st.
How do you forget that?

You're not staying here.

No, no, no.
I would never impose.

I got my own place.

Ohh, no.

Hey, uh...

Did my driver's license
come yet?

Oh, they better not have
put me down as an organ donor,

because I'm taking
this shit with me.

How can you even
afford that thing?

It's bigger than my house.

It's a beauty, ain't it?

That's a business investment...
Liquidated everything I had.

You are looking at
the mobile sales headquarters

for maron's mix.

Oh, so, now you're a traveling
snake-oil salesman?

No, it's not snake oil.
It's fish oil...

Yeah... And magnesium
and phosphorylcholine.

It gives you five-hour energy
and a 72-hour boner.

Wow, you should put that
on the label,

right under the fact

that you were stripped
of your medical license.

Oh, screw them.

Bureaucrats.

They're always challenged
by a forward thinker.

Hey! How would you like
to be my L.A. sales rep?

Your brother's
already handling Arizona.

No, he's not.
I just talked to him.

Oh, Josh...
Still such a dipshit.

Yeah, but you... you know
a lifeline when you see one.

I mean, it's not like
your comedy career

is ever gonna
get off the ground.

I'm doing fine.

Nobody's ever heard of you.

I bring you up
to my customers... nothing.

I got things going on.
I... I got a podcast.

Pod what?

It's like a radio show
on the computer.

So, how do you listen to it?

You listen to it
on the computer.

Nobody's ever gonna do that.

Hey, listen.

I-I-I'm giving you something
that'll change your life.

Be a chance to do something
with yourself.

Where do you get that stuff?

What, do you make it
in the trailer?

Who are you? Walter white?

Walter who? No, no, no.
I don't make it. I got a guy.

Yeah, but you can't just
sell vitamins on the street.

You got to... you know,

it's got to be tested
and approved by the fda.

Oh, come on. Screw the fda.

You know, I-I-I'm thinking
outside the box.

I'm doing my own thing, man,
going my own way.

You know where you need to go
is back on your meds.

I don't need to be
on meds anymore!

I got maron's mix.

Ah. So, it's not fda approved.
Big deal.

They make me happy.
They put lead in my pencil.

Now, don't pooh-pooh it.

I mean, you should try them,
you know?

Whether you know it or not,

you and I...
We're very much alike.

Oh, really? Yeah.

You think so?
I don't think so.

I live in a house.
All right?

I didn't dump
my entire life's savings

into Chinese
black-market vitamins

and a motor home.

Yeah, not yet.

No, no, no, no.
I get it. I get it.

You have unresolved
daddy issues. Big deal.

So, tell it to your shrink
or those babies at a.A.

Anyway, I need to borrow
an extension cord.

An extension cord?

Yeah, I want to plug it
into your house

so I can, uh, run some
light electrical to my r.V.

Huh? No, just a few lamps,
a mini-fridge, air-conditioning.

Hey. Hey, Andy.

How's it going? You
see my cat out there?

No, but I met
your father outside.

He offered to sell me
boner vitamins

out of his camper.

I'm sorry you had to
deal with that.

I didn't invite him here.
We don't get along.

I want nothing
to do with that guy.

You are stressed-out.

Let's just go
to the gym, okay?

We'll do chest,
we'll do back, bis and tris.

We'll get it all done today,

'cause I don't ever plan
on going back again.

What is that honking?

I have to deal with this.

Want me to stay here?

No. Come with me.
I need a witness.

All right.

I got this, all right?

When are you gonna
stop acting like an asshole

and talk to your father?

I'm acting like an asshole?
You believe this shit?

Who's this clown?

I'm Andy. We just met
a couple of minutes ago.

Yeah, I remember. Yeah.

Can you give my son and I

a few minutes alone
together, please?

Sure.

All right.
Nothing to see here, people.

Everything's okay.

I'm Andy kindler.

You might remember me

from season 7
of "last comic standing."

Anybody?

What do you want?
Why are you here?

I came here
with a business proposition

that could benefit both of us,
and you're being belligerent.

No, you're bullying me
into some stupid idea

that you think is gonna
make millions of dollars.

At least a million.
You're ridiculous.

How is this different than
any of the other doomed schemes

you dragged me and my brother
through our entire lives?

You want to know how different it is?
I'll tell you how different it is.

This one is a winner.

I can't do this.

Does it have to be so round?

I mean, can't it be,
like, a rhombus shape?

Andy kindler,
ladies and gentlemen.

Ugh, I wish he would
just drive his house away.

Should I call the cops?

Come on, now. You got to
bury the hatchet here.

You know what?
Do it before it's too late.

My dad's gone,
and I miss him every day.

I haven't seen him in years.
I don't miss him at all.

You're an adult now.
Don't let him push your buttons.

You're right.

Thank you.

You got it. Hey.
Wait a second.

I think that's for you.

All right. Good talk, right?
Yeah.

Go get him. Yep.

I got this...
I got... I'm...

I... this time, I...
No, I have it.

What? All right. Get
it off your chest.

I'll listen. Really?

Okay.

Well, you weren't around
when I was a kid.

And when you were,
you were yelling.

And if you weren't yelling,
you were crying.

And in between yelling
and crying,

you'd take us
on ridiculous vacations

that you were excited about
when you planned them,

'cause you were manic.

On them, you were depressed,

and going white-water rafting
with a crying man

is no fun for a kid.

And you're ridiculously
self-involved.

Give me one example. Okay.

Remember when I was getting
out of the car at school once

and you weren't
paying attention?

You ran over my leg
and broke my ankle.

How long does it take
to get out of a car?!

You spent the family's money

on cars, paintings,
fancy dogs, and firearms.

Are you done? No.

Expensive stereo equipment,
ridiculous suits,

expensive ski equipment,

a house for a second family
no one knew you had,

and that stupid hat.

I loved that hat.

Whatever happened to that hat?
You lost that hat, didn't you?

Yes, dad.

Jesus! I did.

It disappeared
just like you did.

Why don't you take
some responsibility, huh?

You weren't an easy child,
you know.

I was a child.

You still are a child.

You're a child.

How'd it go, champ?

Not good.

That whole, uh, "act like
an adult" thing didn't work.

All right, look,
he's obviously here

for a reason that's bigger
than boner pills.

You guys will work it out.
It'll be fine.

I don't know.

I'm sorry
I ran over your leg.

You mean it?

Yeah.

Thank you.

W-what about
all the other stuff?

Hey, listen.
The past is the past.

If you can't accept me
for who I am, who needs you?

That's... that's exactly
how I feel about you.

Fine.

You really ought to
take those vitamins.

All right. Okay.
I'll... I'll take the vitamins.

No, I mean it. I mean, they work
great for people like us.

What do you mean,
"people like us"?

I'm not like you!

Oh, really?
How's your wife? Gone.

How's your career going?
You work in your garage.

How many friends do you got?
Just this guy?

How are we not alike?

Screw you.
I don't need this shit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, guys.

We're just...
We're so close here.

You think I'm just
some old piece of shit

and you're so much better
than me, huh?

That's not what he's thinking
at all, Larry. Believe me.

No, no, actually, that's exactly
what I'm thinking, Larry.

Marc, this is
not constructive.

You look down on me,
on my choices?

Well, I got news for you.

The apple doesn't fall far from
the tree, son. Go to hell!

Yeah, well, you go to hell!
I'm already there.

Whew.
Well, I did what I could,

and I think that counts
as a workout,

so, actually, I'm good now.

I don't think
I need to go to the gym.

I'm gonna go home
and hit the showers.

So, you're gonna go?

Yeah, but I don't
want to go that way.

You want me to take you
out the back?

Yeah, your dad frightens me.
All right.

Jeff. Hey.

Marc maron. How are you?
Glad you could make it.

All good. Good.

All good. It's a pleasure.
It's a pleasure.

Great neighborhood.
Uh, what is this, echo park?

No, actually,
we're in highland park.

Highland park? Yeah.

I like it. It's authentic.

Yeah. It's real.

Yes, it is. Yeah.

My car gonna be safe there?

Right there?
Yeah, don't worry about it.

We're only gonna
be about an hour.

Okay.

You know, I got to say,
I was nervous

about you coming up here
because of my little house.

I would have been perfectly
happy to go to your place.

No, no, no, no.
It's good I get out, you know?

This place is cozy. It'll be...
It's gonna be fun.

I just... I get too isolated
at home.

Yeah, but...
But let's be honest.

My house could probably fit in
the foyer of your house, right?

Who says "foyer"?

It's what... it's what it is,
right? It's a foyer.

I never met a comic
used the word "foyer."

But it's... I-I thought
that's the right word.

It might be the right word.
It's just foyer.

All right. Okay.

Now, are we recording this?
Is this the way it works?

Yes, we're recording now.
So is this, uh, the show?

So, what's going on in here?

Dad, get out!
Get the hell out!

Man, I just had a flashback
to me in my bedroom... You know,

masturbating
and my dad walking in.

Hey, e-excuse me. That was
last week, by the way.

All right, all right,
excuse me, Jeff.

Could you go out
to your camper, please?

This is... I'm working.
This is my job.

You're always so pissy about
my not paying any attention.

Well, I'm here now.
20 years too late.

Hey, you are Jeff garlin,
right?

Yes. Yes, Jeff garlin.
Hi. How are you, Mr. maron?

It's Dr. maron.

It's formerly Dr. maron,
licensed revoked.

All right, well, doctor, mister,
it's nice meeting you.

Yeah. What are you doing?

Please, Marc.
I'm talking to your friend here.

So, your dad lives with you?

That's nice.
No, he does not.

No, I-I live in the r.V.
Out front.

My son here won't even let me
plug into his house.

I'm not feeling guilty
about it.

Yeah, all right. Listen.

I'm a very successful businessman
of vitamins. Are you kidding?

Vitamins? Yeah.

What are you...
A rep for a distributor?

No, I'm a Maverick.

I'm putting together
a sales force,

and my son here
is gonna be spearheading

the Southern California
effort.

No. I mean, I don't
know what you think,

but I think
he's been living on a dream

with whatever's happening
in here.

Jeff,
I'm not selling vitamins.

He just showed up.
He's a pain in the ass.

You can relate to that,
right, with your dad?

My dad's dead.

Oh, god, I'm sorry.

Are we still recording, by the way?
No, we're not.

You take vitamins,
don't you?

Yeah, of course
I take vitamins.

Let me
get this straight now.

This is, like,
an amway thing you're doing?

No, it's like my way.

Yeah. I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you a box,
Jeff, with minimal cost to you.

No, I tell you what.
For free.

All you got to do
is plug it in your next movie.

I mean,
how hard would that be?

Dad, I really don't think you
know how show business works.

Marc, actually,
there's some good stuff in here.

Really good stuff.
How many do I take?

Three. Three. Beautiful.

That'll change your life. All right.
All right. There we go.

Okay, are we done? Are we done here?
Sure, sure.

Okay. All right. Okay!

Yeah. Okay. Let's go.
Hey. Nice meeting you, huh?

Good health to you.

Mm-hmm. All right.

Thank you. Yeah, okay. Sure.

Thank you. All right. Okay.

Oh, my god.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. I am sorry. I...

You know, don't... you don't
have to take the vitamin.

Don't take any more vita... I get it.
I get it. I get it.

Don't worry. don't worry.
Don't worry.

It's very nice of you
to do that.

Are you okay?

No. I'm... I'm... I'm not okay.
Oh, geez.

Ohh!

So, it's not going well.

No, it isn't, Andy.

He almost killed Jeff garlin,
but that guy's a pro, man.

He puked, came back,
gave me 45 minutes.

I posted the episode
this morning.

I'm gonna check and see
how it's doing... Again.

Oh, man.

Holy shit! Yes!

I got to go. I'm sorry.

That's okay. You know what?

I'm actually getting used

to not going to the gym
with you...

Or ever.

Fortunately,
you're emotionally exhausting.

So why are there
only five suits in this store?

'Cause they're
a very exclusive line.

You'll be
shopping here soon.

Hey, Teddy.
Glad I caught you at work.

How you doing, Dov?
What's up, Marc?

Here you go. Thumb drive.

Jeff garlin. On my podcast.

Well, hey, good for you.
No, no.

Great for me. He really
opened up. It was amazing.

One of the best interviews
I've done.

I put it on the Internet
this morning.

It's number eight on iTunes.

What's number one?

Shut up, Dov. Okay.

And, also, a company reached
out. They want to advertise.

They make, uh, vibrators, ass
plugs, lube, that kind of stuff.

Way to go, marky-Marc.
See, I knew you'd come through.

Maybe I can monetize
this thing.

No, you were right. You can't.
'Cause you're fired!

Boo-yeah! Sorry.

Yeah.
I don't need you anymore.

I'm thinking
outside the box.

Doing my own thing.
Doing it my way.

Oh, shit.

I got to go.

All right, wait,
so... so I'm not fired?

No, you're still fired,
asshole.

I'll see you around, Dov.
See you around, Marc.

Hey. Bold move.
Thanks, buddy.

Why don't you
start a podcast?

Yeah, that's the answer.
We'll just start a podcast.

Thanks, Ted.

My parents are very selfish,

and... and I have to
thank them for that,

because I'm selfish enough
not to have children.

Because they were
so self-involved,

for most of my life,

I've wandered around
like a kid lost at a mall,

just screaming,
"mommy! Daddy!"

I didn't talk to my father for
years, but it solved nothing,

because I was living
in the anger.

At some point, you're just
gonna have to realize

that they're not going to be
the parents you want them to be.

That window has closed.

You're going to have to accept
them the way that they are

and learn
how to parent yourself.

Now you show up.

Look at you.

Andy kindler, you're a comedian.
Exactly right.

Are you setting me up
for bits?

I-I don't talk about it
enough on the show,

is the process, and you're
sitting there with note cards.

Let's just go
right to the cards.

Okay, I got one.
What do you got?

Alexander Graham bell
was the first person

to sarcastically say,
"hello?

I invented the phone."

All right. Next.
Next. Next card.

Oh, uh, "I just got back

from playing the comedy tent
at emoticon."

Ugh. No, I get it.
That's like a...

Don't throw it away! I'm
not gonna throw it away.

Maybe if I did your jokes,
they'd be better.

Okay, go ahead. Uh...

Oh, these are random notes.

Yeah,
'cause I have no memory.

"Huey Lewis and..."

Oh! What?

He was a comedian? Yeah.
His name was gonna be huey Lewis

and what else is in the news?

Right?

Dude... Right?

Uh, do you go to the gym,
actually? I mean...

I do go to the gym.

Is that a monthly thing?

Is nautilus still popular?

Do remember nautilus?
That was a big thing.

That was the first gym
I didn't go to.

I thought it was...
That was funny right there.

You just let it...
It went right by you.

I said that was the first gym
I didn't go to.

Oh, here's the problem.
What?

I never listen
to what you're saying.

That's why
I don't host a podcast.

All I'm...
I see your mouth going.

I go, "when am I gonna
get anything?"

You can't do
subtle comedy like that.

With me?

That's the first gym
you didn't go to.

Yeah.

That was the first membership
I didn't use.

So, what happened?

I hate everything
about working out.

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