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1
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,847
(Horn beeps)
2
00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:05,863
All right. Come back as you are.
3
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,730
That's it, straight back. Come on.
4
00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:10,065
Left hand down a bit.
Left hand down a bit.
5
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:12,037
That's it, straight down.
6
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,334
Stop! Stop!
7
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:18,676
You cross-eyed old trout, you stupid mare!
8
00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:20,872
You've gone and broken his bloody light!
9
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:24,111
Why didn't you shout stop,
you geriatric bonehead?!
10
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:26,448
I did but you're as deaf as a pickled herring!
11
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:29,649
You couldn't direct rain to the ground,
you blind eunuch!
12
00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:34,058
You're in a right mess now,
this is gonna cost a fortnight's pension!
13
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:37,723
These things are driven by cavemen,
do you know that?
14
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,392
I expect they'll try and do us
for a twisted chassis.
15
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:43,868
- Ah, hello, Cyril.
- Hello, ma'am.
16
00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:45,871
- Hello, Lovejoy.
- Hello, Cyril.
17
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:47,304
Which one's it gonna be, then?
18
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:50,969
Banker's drafts? Building society checks?
Postal orders?
19
00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:53,001
- Cash.
- Cash?
20
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,640
Thought you were down on your uppers.
21
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:58,173
Not quite that far, Cyril. Janey.
22
00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:02,655
Er, lot 20.
53, 64 and 111.
23
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,987
- Nobody saw us do it.
- Eh?
24
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:07,185
Could have been done before we got here.
25
00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:09,525
(Whispers) Get in the car.
26
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:12,690
Don't you think we ought to leave
our name and address?
27
00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:16,429
I say... Don't you think we ought to leave
our name and address?
28
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,403
You leave your name and address.
29
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,103
What about the valuation?
30
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,838
It's been around for 300 years, another couple
of days isn't going to make any difference.
31
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:27,210
Don't go so fast, you stupid old biddy!
32
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:28,578
(Horn)
33
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:31,243
Look what you're making me do,
for God's sake!
34
00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:33,980
We'll drop this off at the stripper's
and see you in the pub, Tink.
35
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:37,615
- Don't let them charge you more than a fiver!
- No! Up we go, Eric.
36
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,522
Ah, yes!
37
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,322
Oh, no!
38
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,693
- What's the matter?
- That's the matter!
39
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,858
Go and see if anybody's left a note
on the windscreen.
40
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,164
- Nothing.
- Oh, that's typical, isn't it?
41
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:52,496
Now, this blanket box
has just cost me 20 quid.
42
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:55,372
Fiver for the strippers,
couple of quid for a new coat of beeswax.
43
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,239
I could knock this out for 80 quid.
44
00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:59,802
Maybe a whole 100 if it wasn't raining.
45
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:04,283
But no, some inconsiderate skunk has just put
me back about 50 quid for a new light.
46
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:07,946
Where's honesty, eh? It's out the window.
Where's integrity? Down the pan!
47
00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:10,046
All part of the general malaise
this country's going through.
48
00:03:10,089 --> 00:03:12,683
It doesn't look much
but I bet they've twisted the chassis.
49
00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:17,719
I wouldn't have been aggressive.
Cash would have solved the problem, 100, say.
50
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:20,665
How do you know it wasn't you?
There was that skip behind you...
51
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,362
Oh, of course! What day is it today?
52
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:24,392
Tuesday.
53
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:28,874
Yeah, I always try and land myself with
a 50 quid garage bill on Tuesdays, don't I?
54
00:03:28,908 --> 00:03:33,368
50 quid? You can pick one of those up from
Frankie O'Connor's scrap yard for a tenner.
55
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:35,881
Good thinking, Eric.
Both brain cells working, are they?
56
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:41,084
(Barking)
57
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,021
That savage mutt'll bite somebody
one of these days, Frankie.
58
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:47,857
- Wants putting down!
- Putting down? Old Franco?
59
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:51,421
Wouldn't hurt a fly. He only eats raw liver.
60
00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:54,661
I'll give you 180 if it's MOT'd.
61
00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:59,695
No, we're not selling.
Have you got a back light for one of these?
62
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:02,105
There's a motorway wreck down the bottom
under a green Cortina.
63
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:04,132
Right.
64
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,811
200 if it's taxed.
You won't get a better offer anywhere.
65
00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:11,715
- Frankie, it's mine and it's not for sale.
- Pity.
66
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:15,050
What's this I hear about you getting the bum's
rush from Freddy the Phone's old place?
67
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:20,151
Boy oh boy, the old... jungle drums
work quick around here, don't they?
68
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:22,855
By the way, Barry said to say hello.
69
00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:24,954
- Barry?
- Barry Flynn.
70
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,297
- He's me brother-in-law's cousin.
- Barry Flynn.
71
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,495
- You were banged up with him.
- Yeah.
72
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:33,972
How is he? Still working odd days
at the building society, is he?
73
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:36,066
In a manner of speaking.
74
00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:44,915
Never understood people's fascination
with ex-cons.
75
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,545
Everyone who's been inside
wants to forget about it,
76
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:50,055
rest of the world wants to remind them of it.
77
00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:53,718
Come on, Eric, haven't got all day.
Got a date with a stripper.
78
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,093
- Found it all right, then?
- Yeah, we found it all right.
79
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,155
Looking at a tenner there, Eric.
80
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:03,266
- Here, Lovejoy, you're a tart, aren't you?
- Excuse me?
81
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,033
We're antique dealers, Frankie,
you know what they are, don't you?
82
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,632
Yeah, always going round
goosing one another.
83
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:14,869
You interested in shooters, Lovejoy?
Big shooters?
84
00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:16,438
As in guns?
85
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:18,416
Certainly wouldn't be as in dried peas.
86
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:21,852
Frankie? I'm in a scrap heap,
I'm not on it yet.
87
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:25,619
And no, we don't deal in that type of thing.
Never have, never will.
88
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,216
Strictly taboo.
89
00:05:28,027 --> 00:05:31,758
I always thought you fellas could place anything
if there was a couple of quid in it for you.
90
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,390
Oh, well.
91
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:36,061
Shows you just how wrong a man can be.
92
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,597
Just a look, maybe.
93
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,373
All right, boys?
94
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:51,713
- Some shooter, eh, Lovejoy?
- Yeah, some shooter, Frankie. Ha!
95
00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:53,240
Well?
96
00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:56,949
- Where did you get it?
- With a pile of scrap from this farmer fella.
97
00:05:56,989 --> 00:06:00,083
- Where did he find it?
- Ploughed it up out of one of his fields.
98
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:03,687
- Who would that be?
- Cor, there's some meat in it, eh?
99
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:04,890
Aargh!
100
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:09,197
I wouldn't mess around with it if I were you,
Eric. It's a big bull job if ever I saw one.
101
00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:11,362
Tipped my scales at over a ton, it did.
102
00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:13,531
Oh, I'm gonna lose this bloody nail now!
103
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:17,600
- I'm asking 200 quid for it.
- It's scrap iron. What would I do with it?
104
00:06:17,643 --> 00:06:20,703
The bottom's gone right out the cannon market
since the Gulf War.
105
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:25,912
There's a lot of loose ordnance around
these days. If it was only bronze...
106
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,476
Yeah, if only.
107
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,385
Oh, well. Suit yourself.
108
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:31,890
I'll give you 150 quid for it, though.
109
00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:33,585
I think it might rain.
110
00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:36,893
I'll whack in another tenner for old Barry's sake.
111
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:39,261
It looks as if I'm forcing you, I don't want that.
112
00:06:39,298 --> 00:06:40,765
I tell you what we'll do.
113
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:45,134
We'll make it 175 cash and throw in
the blanket chest, that's 195.
114
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:46,365
Eric...
115
00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:49,739
(Frankie) That's it, Steve, steady now.
116
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:52,267
Here we go. Coming down.
117
00:06:52,311 --> 00:06:55,542
(Lovejoy) Bring it down now.
(Frankie) Hurry up, Eric, get out of there!
118
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,947
(Eric) I'm all right. Stop, stop.
119
00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:59,611
- Come on, Eric!
- Grab that end.
120
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:04,112
- Right, there you go. Right.
- Straighten her up now.
121
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:07,092
- Are you gonna move them tables, Lovejoy?
- No, we'll be all right.
122
00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:11,085
Cos once it's down it's down.
I ain't messing about, Lovejoy.
123
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,529
(Creaking)
124
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,032
Whoa!
125
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:17,160
Can I sell you a sack of sand
for the front seat, Lovejoy?
126
00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:20,331
Eric'll do nicely. Thank you very much.
127
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,229
Get in, Eric!
128
00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:29,480
(Siren wailing)
129
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,506
(Lovejoy groans)
130
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:49,229
Ah! Officers Alcock and Troon.
Well, we've nothing to declare.
131
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:51,896
What you see in the back
is an antique piece of scrap iron.
132
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:54,702
Looks like a gun to me.
Hope you've got a license for it.
133
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:56,731
Would you get out of the vehicle, please?
134
00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:58,767
Stay where you are, Eric.
135
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:07,082
Are you familiar with the firearms regulations,
Lovejoy?
136
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:10,850
Well, I'm sure I'm not as boned up as you are,
but if you want to confiscate it...
137
00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:13,381
feel free, stick it in the boot of your panda.
138
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,326
- What bore is this?
- Pardon?
139
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,022
- Where do you get it from?
- (Eric) Um...
140
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,093
- Frankie O'Connor's.
- Frankie, eh?
141
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:23,159
You got a receipt for it?
142
00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:25,830
- I'm afraid I haven't.
- But Frankie will confirm it, no doubt.
143
00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,305
(Eric) Oh, no doubt about it.
144
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:31,208
Do you realize you're driving
a defective vehicle here?
145
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:34,577
No... Yeah, well... That's why were going
to Frankie's in the first place, see?
146
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,741
To get a replacement for that.
147
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:39,376
Well, I've got it in here. Hold on a minute.
148
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:42,582
What's all this leading to?
149
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:45,216
Have you got your driving license,
insurance and MOT handy?
150
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,247
No.
151
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:49,318
How about popping them into the station
within the next couple of days?
152
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,523
Think I can manage that.
153
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:54,124
- I think there might be a number on this.
- (Creaking)
154
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,225
- I've got it!
- (Lovejoy) Eric!
155
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,759
Ah!
156
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:02,800
Oh, no!
157
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:06,167
Look.
158
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,914
Ow!
159
00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,788
I'm sure I'm gonna lose this nail, you know.
160
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:22,186
It's not Friday the 13th, is it?
161
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,720
It's gonna be bad luck that thing.
I know it is.
162
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,699
What are you going to do with it?
163
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,724
It's not exactly a paperweight, is it?
164
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:33,170
You can hardly bring it out
with the after-dinner mints, can you?
165
00:09:33,205 --> 00:09:39,075
Excuse me, but you're the one who upped the
ante by 15 quid and threw in the blanket chest.
166
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:41,909
It's a crane job. How are you gonna move it?
167
00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:44,178
I am not gonna move it anywhere.
168
00:09:45,217 --> 00:09:47,913
- Arthur, mine host.
- Yeah?
169
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:51,651
How about if I leave that cannon
in your car park for a couple of days?
170
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:54,182
It might bring in a few punters, eh?
171
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:57,559
Well, just for a couple of days. And there's
no comeback if it gets nicked, all right?
172
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,464
Who's going to steal it? It weighs a ton!
173
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:04,765
Do what? There's some round here
that'd nick the salt out of your crisps!
174
00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:07,398
All right, couple of days. A week at the most.
175
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:11,102
- Right...
- Stay down the end and get that rope off.
176
00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:14,943
Janey, whatever you do,
do not get out of the cab.
177
00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:17,946
- What are you gonna do?
- Me?
178
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:21,579
As soon Baden-Powell here
gets these knots undone,
179
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,852
I'm gonna pull... you're gonna push.
180
00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:27,791
OK, give it a try now, it should just slip off.
181
00:10:27,827 --> 00:10:31,319
On the count of three, OK? One, two, three!
182
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:32,991
(All grunting)
183
00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,664
It's moving!
184
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,265
(Groaning)
185
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,636
Come on, Tink, this is no time
for amateur theatricals.
186
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,238
What's the matter? What's he done?
187
00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:54,776
Oh-ho! I've ruptured...
a hernia the size of a football!
188
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:57,254
I'm dying!
189
00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:59,621
Shall I call for an ambulance?
190
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,059
They'll never be able to stuff it back.
191
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:08,225
The fog is rising.
192
00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:12,199
So we haven't reached the "Bugger Bognor"
stage yet, eh?
193
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,940
Well, if you don't want an ambulance,
perhaps I should call a priest.
194
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,533
Shut up, Eric.
195
00:11:17,576 --> 00:11:21,444
Now, I'm not gonna hurt you, OK?
Just let me have a feel.
196
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,278
- Ah!
- Tinker, I haven't touch you yet.
197
00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:26,546
OK? Relax, relax.
198
00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:28,519
Now, how does that feel?
199
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:32,354
L-l-I felt it! I felt it go "twang"!
200
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:35,485
It was the tearing of flesh and sinew
and muscle, I...
201
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:39,396
I'd recognize it anywhere, Lovejoy.
I was in the army, don't forget.
202
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:43,801
Your braces. You bust your braces!
203
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:48,265
My braces! My braces! (Laughing)
204
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:52,368
Don't park in front of the cellar doors,
you'll block the brewery lorry!
205
00:11:52,411 --> 00:11:54,140
Whatever you say, Arthur!
206
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,613
Is he all right?
207
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,616
(Both yell)
208
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,461
It's best bitter.
209
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:16,059
A fountain of best bitter!
210
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:21,472
I am saved!
Salvation gushing from the ground!
211
00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:25,673
Oh, my God!
212
00:12:27,613 --> 00:12:29,547
Lovejoy, you pillock!
213
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:33,245
I will kill you!
You have totally destroyed my cellar!
214
00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:35,378
Do you see what you've done?
Will you stop hitting me?
215
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,651
I am in heaven!
216
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,918
Aagh!
217
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:41,392
Oh! Pinch me, somebody.
218
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,657
Will you stop drinking my beer?!
219
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:47,632
What have you got to say for yourself?
What have you got to say for yourself?
220
00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:49,327
I love this day.
221
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:53,361
Oh, God, I love this day!
222
00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:57,569
Well, we've all heard about things
falling off the backs of lorries,
223
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:01,307
but nothing quite as strange as what fell off
the back of Lovejoy's pickup truck
224
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:04,407
and ended up in the cellar of the Royal Oak
in Kiverton.
225
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,975
Lovejoy here is a local antique dealer.
226
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:09,214
Can you tell me exactly what happened?
227
00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:12,019
Well, it was an accident.
It's an old cannon and it weighs over a ton.
228
00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:16,653
I got absolutely no idea how much
it's gonna cost or what the damage has been.
229
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:19,664
Flippin' great thing like that
crashing through into the cellar.
230
00:13:19,698 --> 00:13:23,828
In fact, until we get a full structural report
from the builder, we can't move it,
231
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:28,203
but if anybody would like to see it,
you're perfectly welcome to pop by the pub.
232
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,403
We do bar snacks and good pub grub,
we have a stripper on Saturdays...
233
00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:34,640
Yes, thank you very much.
Lovejoy, where did you find this cannon?
234
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:35,908
Found it in a scrap yard.
235
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:38,246
- How much is it worth?
- It's hard to say, really.
236
00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:41,048
A lot less than it was
before it destroyed my cellar...
237
00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:46,080
None of this would ever have happened if
some vandal hadn't backed into my pickup truck
238
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:48,958
and started this whole chain of disasters!
239
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:51,292
Alice! Come and have a look at this!
240
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,264
"No one saw us do it, get in the car."
241
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:54,960
Stupid old...
242
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,367
0ne of my partners is losing a fingernail,
the other's had a partial hernia,
243
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,702
the cannon has caused untold damage.
244
00:14:00,739 --> 00:14:05,108
Anyway, as I was saying, if you would like
to see the cannon, the Royal 0ak's the place,
245
00:14:05,144 --> 00:14:09,547
- and we do great pub grub...
- Yes, thank you. Thank you, Arthur.
246
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,016
- What do you plan to do about this, Lovejoy?
- Right.
247
00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:15,418
I intend to track down this vandal,
wherever he or she is,
248
00:14:15,454 --> 00:14:18,218
find witnesses, get forensic evidence...
249
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:21,693
and sue them for substantial damages,
that's what I intend to do about itl
250
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:24,127
Did you hear that, you stupid old kipper?
251
00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:27,155
...goes to show that you can't always be sure
of what falls out of the sky.
252
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,861
Where is she? Where are you?!
253
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:31,267
...Nick Palmer, BBC East...
254
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:36,063
That Lovejoy fella's gonna track us down
and sue us for every penny we've got.
255
00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:39,976
And no doubt the pub as well,
and the fella with the rupture!
256
00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:42,242
That's a truss we've gotta fork out for.
257
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:44,841
I knew we should have left
our name and address.
258
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:48,650
They've got to find us first. Bring these.
259
00:14:49,488 --> 00:14:53,424
I hear you've been applying Newton's
law of gravity down at the Royal Oak.
260
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:55,324
Ha ha ha. Very witty.
261
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:59,798
Any change of address
is supposed to be notified with the DVLC.
262
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,697
Where are you living now?
263
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:05,727
He rents accommodation from me.
You know my address, just put that down.
264
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,270
If you wish, your ladyship.
265
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:14,404
I assume Lord Felsham is aware of this, er...
266
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:16,073
Toyboy?
267
00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:18,640
The word I had in mind
was arrangement, actually.
268
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:22,814
I shouldn't think so for one moment,
but that's no concern of yours, Constable.
269
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,948
Apart from that, is everything in order?
270
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:28,084
Well, there is the question of a back tail light.
271
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:31,790
That'll be repaired. And no doubt
the front headlight will too.
272
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,695
I'll send you the bill here, shall I?
273
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:40,402
Well, thanks for saying what you did, Janey.
There was no need to mention Alexander.
274
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:41,963
Why not?
275
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,339
Everyone knows,
what's the point of pretending?
276
00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:48,972
If it weren't for the fact that I don't really care
where he is, I'd report him as missing.
277
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,273
Will the toyboy drive?
278
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,379
- Only if you'll sit in the back.
- Of course.
279
00:15:56,422 --> 00:15:58,913
You know my fantasy about chauffeurs,
don't you?
280
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:15,664
...don't speak now...
- Please God, don't hit a police car!
281
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,176
I'm not going to hit a police car!
282
00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:22,876
All right, all right, tell me that again... slowly.
283
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,815
- You see...
- Hold on, Alice.
284
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:29,048
We're old-age pensioners, you see.
We don't want to get into trouble with the law.
285
00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:31,818
We're a bit worried
about our no-claims bonus.
286
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:36,385
I was a dentist, you see...
I don't think I ever did your teeth, did I?
287
00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:37,952
No, you never did.
288
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,124
Couple of nice crowns you've got there.
289
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,156
Get to the point, Leo.
290
00:16:42,201 --> 00:16:44,032
What is it you want exactly, Mr. Deerborn?
291
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:46,560
- Well...
- You see, the thing is, Constable...
292
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:52,400
we'd like this Lovejoy fellow's address
so we can go round, pay him for his broken light
293
00:16:52,444 --> 00:16:54,776
and get him off our backs, so to speak.
294
00:16:54,813 --> 00:16:57,941
- Has he been harassing you?
- Oh, no. We've never even met him.
295
00:16:57,983 --> 00:17:02,010
We just want to apologize and pay him
and get the whole thing over with
296
00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:03,954
with the minimum of fuss.
297
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:05,320
I can't do that.
298
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:09,487
Oh... Oh, I'm sure you can, because...
299
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:13,259
Well, you're obviously a very nice
and understanding young man...
300
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,837
You see? You leave it to me,
everything gets done properly.
301
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,503
- All right, all right!
- Never mind this...
302
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:28,513
Oh... Oh, thank you so much.
303
00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:32,048
You just tell me if he caused you any problems,
Mrs. Deerborn.
304
00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:34,211
Oh, I will, Constable, I will.
305
00:17:34,253 --> 00:17:36,448
Thank you, Constable. Thank you very much.
306
00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:37,512
Come on, come on.
307
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:41,492
What did you have to go
and mention crowns for? Every time...
308
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:47,722
And now £1,000 for cellar repairs, which means
I've got to make 1,200 just to break even.
309
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:51,801
So I need someone to come and give me
an accurate estimate
310
00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:53,998
and suggest some suitable punters.
311
00:17:54,039 --> 00:17:56,507
Well, that's what you do, isn't it, Gently?
312
00:17:57,609 --> 00:17:59,042
Who?
313
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,507
Major Eddie Turpin?
314
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,379
Hold on.
315
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:07,680
Yeah. Major Eddie Turpin...
316
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:11,712
president of the All England
Black Powder Society.
317
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,850
Ever so slightly flaky.
318
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,792
Done time for arms smuggling.
319
00:18:16,528 --> 00:18:18,860
That's all I need. Flaky arms smuggler.
320
00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:21,158
Major Turpin?
321
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,226
- Ah, you must be Lovejoy.
- Yeah.
322
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:27,033
Now, who was it you said
who recommended me?
323
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:29,404
Alexander Bentley, the arms specialist.
324
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:32,433
Gently Bentley, hm?
Know him well, do you?
325
00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:34,378
- I think so.
- Jolly good.
326
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:38,873
Then tell me something about Gently
which very few people know.
327
00:18:40,219 --> 00:18:42,210
Oh, his real name.
328
00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:45,949
Peter... Christopher...
329
00:18:45,991 --> 00:18:47,356
Rabbit.
330
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:55,389
Right, now... 17th century, nine foot,
cast-iron gun barrel.
331
00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:59,301
Probably a demi-culverin
with a five-inch bore,
332
00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:01,533
both trunnions intact.
333
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:03,837
Ah, vent blocked.
334
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,242
Good cascabel button there,
335
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:10,044
clean astragals and fillets...
336
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,642
signs of being in the ground
for some considerable time,
337
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:16,518
weight... around one ton,
ton and a half perhaps.
338
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:22,617
Yeah, the cross of St. George and the Irish harp
denotes that this cannon
339
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:27,655
was probably part of a lot
cast for the city of Derry in Northern Ireland.
340
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:31,600
This artillery piece will almost certainly
have been among the ordnance
341
00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,628
on the city walls.
342
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:38,603
Now, I know you got it from the scrap yard chap
but how did he come by it?
343
00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:41,408
According to him, it was ploughed up
in a field somewhere near here.
344
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:46,348
Ploughed up in a field, eh?
Now that is interesting.
345
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:50,082
The type of rust... proves that
346
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,785
and I think you'll find that it's odds on
that this little monster
347
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:56,191
was ploughed up on a disused airfield.
348
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:59,322
- How do you know that?
- (Eric) There's loads of 'em round here.
349
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,832
Yeah, he's right.
350
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:05,860
Well, during the last war,
when this country was on its knees,
351
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:07,838
in the dark days, that was,
352
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,966
there was a call for scrap metal.
353
00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:12,636
It was brought in
from all over the United Kingdom,
354
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:16,978
certainly from Northern Ireland,
to central smelting points.
355
00:20:17,015 --> 00:20:18,949
Remember that?
356
00:20:18,984 --> 00:20:23,387
Yes, I remember that. They took the railings
down around the brewery.
357
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,890
They never did put 'em back again.
358
00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:29,223
No. We gave up our aluminium saucepans,
359
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,559
which were melted down to make Spitfires,
360
00:20:31,597 --> 00:20:35,158
church bells were turned into bullets,
that kind of thing.
361
00:20:36,134 --> 00:20:38,193
So?
362
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:44,540
Well, not a lot of people know this.
It's still a state secret, even after 50 years.
363
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:49,946
Mega news blackout and all that.
Picked it up when I was working at MoD.
364
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:54,442
Don't tell me this would have been the only
thing to fight with if the Germans had invaded.
365
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:58,479
Not even close. You see, early on in the war,
366
00:20:58,523 --> 00:21:01,686
during the RAF bombing campaign
of German cities,
367
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:04,252
at one stage, we were so short of bombs
368
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:09,290
that rather than let aircraft take off
with an empty space in its bomb bay,
369
00:21:09,334 --> 00:21:13,134
they would fill it up with anything heavy
they could lay their hands on.
370
00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:16,868
Er, Major, we're in the trade, you know.
371
00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:19,240
- You're making this up, aren't you?
- Making it up?
372
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:25,012
Why should I make it up? Anything falling on
the Krauts' heads is better than nothing.
373
00:21:25,050 --> 00:21:27,610
You know, train wheels, bedsteads,
374
00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:30,087
old Austin 7 car engines...
375
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:33,057
Er, Major, can we stick to the business at hand?
376
00:21:33,091 --> 00:21:35,855
You know the trouble with you people?
377
00:21:35,894 --> 00:21:39,330
You deal with antiques
but you've no sense of history.
378
00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:42,566
Well, I find it fascinating, Major.
379
00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:48,836
Oh, you know, they still remember a night in
Hamburg which they call Bügeleisen Nacht.
380
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:53,174
That's flatiron night.
Half a Wellington load of flatirons
381
00:21:53,211 --> 00:21:55,179
made a direct hit on the Rathaus.
382
00:21:56,415 --> 00:22:00,351
Flatirons...
falling on the Hamburg town hall?
383
00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:06,122
Major Turpin, would you be available
for our next Christmas party?
384
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:07,887
(Laughs)
385
00:22:07,926 --> 00:22:13,057
You don't suppose that the brass in London
would tell the poor sods in Benghazi
386
00:22:13,098 --> 00:22:17,967
that we're down to running the war on scrap,
do you? Hmm?
387
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:21,564
Well, just look at this.
It's the same size as a 1,000lb bomb.
388
00:22:21,606 --> 00:22:24,131
Leave the same hole when it hit.
389
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:28,704
Keep a German bomb disposal unit
tied up for best part of a week, this would.
390
00:22:28,747 --> 00:22:31,807
Yes, I heard about this,
it's not as strange as it sounds.
391
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,442
Not you too, Tink.
392
00:22:33,485 --> 00:22:35,953
- But it's true!
- Truth is weirder than fiction.
393
00:22:35,987 --> 00:22:39,479
- Major, more to the point...
- What's it worth?
394
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:43,517
Oh, well, to be quite honest with you,
I'm not really interested in it.
395
00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:46,463
But this thing is over 300 years old.
396
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:51,265
It doesn't count. Serious collectors
want bronze or more embellishment.
397
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:55,672
Major, do you wanna make me an offer,
see if we're even close?
398
00:22:55,707 --> 00:23:02,374
Well, I don't know, really.
I mean, I suppose I could go to...
399
00:23:04,616 --> 00:23:07,915
Well, I don't know really. 250?
400
00:23:07,953 --> 00:23:09,921
Considering the mess you're in?
401
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:14,221
- 250?
- Sure. And that's if it wasn't still loaded.
402
00:23:14,593 --> 00:23:16,083
Loaded?
403
00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:20,030
I think we've reached meltdown, boys.
You owe me a grand you can't come up with
404
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:22,625
and the Major here tells me
the thing's still loaded!
405
00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:26,330
- Is it dangerous?
- Er, it's hard to say.
406
00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:30,774
If it was my pub, I'd rather see the thing
out here than in there.
407
00:23:30,809 --> 00:23:33,437
- Will you give me a grand for it?
- (Lovejoy) Oi!
408
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:35,605
I can lip-read. It's mine!
409
00:23:35,647 --> 00:23:39,583
You can't do that, we're your best customers.
We've been coming here for years!
410
00:23:39,618 --> 00:23:43,748
Six months to be precise. And only because
you were barred from the Black Horse!
411
00:23:43,789 --> 00:23:46,451
I wasn't barred! I was asked to leave.
412
00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:49,517
- What do you say?
- I've already told Lovejoy,
413
00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:52,052
I'm really not interested in it.
414
00:23:52,898 --> 00:23:56,095
Arthur... We'll move the cannon
415
00:23:56,134 --> 00:23:59,570
and the Major will make sure the Royal Oak
doesn't get blown to pieces, won't you?
416
00:23:59,604 --> 00:24:04,098
Well, yes. Subject to my usual defusing fee,
of course.
417
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:08,010
What about the thousand you owe me
for the damage?
418
00:24:08,046 --> 00:24:10,037
Pay you 500 on account.
419
00:24:10,081 --> 00:24:12,413
480, 490... 500.
420
00:24:13,385 --> 00:24:15,910
You hung on to your Scottish pound notes
as well?
421
00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:17,615
Lucky for you I did.
422
00:24:17,656 --> 00:24:20,557
That's the second time today
I've had to bail you out.
423
00:24:20,592 --> 00:24:22,287
How can I repay you?
424
00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:24,192
I could think of half a dozen ways.
425
00:24:24,229 --> 00:24:25,662
One'll do.
426
00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:28,188
You're a very special person,
you mean a lot to me.
427
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:31,760
Oh, no, don't start buttering me up.
It's probably a leap year, isn't it?
428
00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:33,065
(Chuckles)
429
00:24:33,104 --> 00:24:34,594
Actually, it is!
430
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,630
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
431
00:24:36,675 --> 00:24:38,472
No, it's not.
432
00:24:38,510 --> 00:24:40,000
Is it?
433
00:24:40,846 --> 00:24:43,713
Right, Frankie. Bring it up gently.
434
00:24:43,748 --> 00:24:47,582
Very carefully now. Steady as she goes.
435
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,845
Steady now. Steady.
436
00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:54,014
Right across, Frankie.
437
00:24:54,693 --> 00:24:55,819
Well done.
438
00:24:55,861 --> 00:24:57,795
There's your 500 on account, Arthur.
439
00:24:57,829 --> 00:25:00,354
- (Major) Bring it in.
- You had any offers yet?
440
00:25:00,398 --> 00:25:02,866
(Tinker) On the truck!
(Major) Steady now.
441
00:25:02,901 --> 00:25:04,926
Down a bit, Frankie!
442
00:25:04,970 --> 00:25:07,200
Whoa! Easy, Frankie!
443
00:25:07,239 --> 00:25:09,173
(Major) Well done, well done.
444
00:25:09,207 --> 00:25:12,574
Had me worried for a minute there, Frankie,
but a lovely smooth extraction.
445
00:25:12,611 --> 00:25:13,805
Wasn't it just!
446
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:15,472
- Lovejoy...
- Yes, Major?
447
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,573
That's another score, by the way.
448
00:25:17,616 --> 00:25:20,642
- Tinker'll see you right, Frankie.
- Oh, thanks!
449
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:23,654
- (Lovejoy) Yes, Major?
- I can't take the ball out here,
450
00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:25,349
I need a stronger rod.
451
00:25:25,390 --> 00:25:26,823
Where are you taking it?
452
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:29,827
Lady Jane Felsham says we can leave it
at her place for the time being.
453
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:32,523
I think I may have found you a buyer.
454
00:25:32,564 --> 00:25:37,661
Chap who's setting up this Cavalier Roundhead
theme park thing near to Newark.
455
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:41,103
Basically he wants pieces which he can fire.
456
00:25:41,139 --> 00:25:44,131
As is fairly obvious, you can't fire that.
457
00:25:44,843 --> 00:25:47,471
I reckon he'll go to around seven.
458
00:25:47,512 --> 00:25:50,675
You know, well, 750 at the outside.
459
00:25:51,917 --> 00:25:54,681
- Are you ready, Janey?
- Ready when you are, Mr. DeMille.
460
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:56,584
- Oh, one thing, Lovejoy.
- Yeah?
461
00:25:56,621 --> 00:26:00,489
If that thing goes off, it's pointing at you,
so I'd just like to say goodbye.
462
00:26:00,525 --> 00:26:02,083
Bye!
463
00:26:02,928 --> 00:26:04,418
Bye!
464
00:26:04,462 --> 00:26:07,795
Oh, Jane, Tinker... Just remind us
how it's gonna go once more.
465
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:12,027
Yeah, Janey's gonna drive off first,
then we count to two, Lovejoy goes.
466
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:14,402
So it's Janey, one-two, Lovejoy.
467
00:26:14,439 --> 00:26:16,373
Janey, one-two, then I go.
468
00:26:18,877 --> 00:26:20,139
OK, Lovejoy, you ready?
469
00:26:20,178 --> 00:26:24,046
- No, no, it's Janey first...
- I know, I'm just saying, is he ready?
470
00:26:24,082 --> 00:26:25,640
Shut up, Eric!
471
00:26:25,684 --> 00:26:27,311
Ready!
472
00:26:27,352 --> 00:26:29,513
- OK. Janey...
- We're going in a minute!
473
00:26:29,554 --> 00:26:31,613
Janey, one-two, Lovejoy!
474
00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:36,257
(Eric) Go go go go go go go!
475
00:26:36,294 --> 00:26:38,057
Keep going! Stop!
476
00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:43,096
Ah! Ha! Precision bombing
if ever I saw it!
477
00:26:43,134 --> 00:26:46,126
Pity he wasn't so accurate
in the Royal Oak car park.
478
00:26:47,138 --> 00:26:49,163
Well done, Janey.
479
00:26:49,207 --> 00:26:51,767
Now all you've got to work out
is how to get it back on the truck.
480
00:26:51,810 --> 00:26:53,869
I'm working on it. Here, Eric.
481
00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:55,903
Got this soap and plaster of Paris.
482
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:58,973
I'm sure I've seen this crest before
but I can't think where.
483
00:26:59,017 --> 00:27:03,113
- Derry?
- No, I've never been to Derry.
484
00:27:03,154 --> 00:27:05,952
That's why we need a second opinion.
Thanks, Janey.
485
00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:10,056
- Good morning, Eric!
- Morning!
486
00:27:10,095 --> 00:27:14,589
You've just volunteered to house-sit the cannon
while Jane and I go to London.
487
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,193
Oh, thank you very much.
That's very big of you.
488
00:27:17,235 --> 00:27:19,726
Why don't you call in the SAS
just to make sure?
489
00:27:19,771 --> 00:27:22,433
Here's the plaster cast. Still a bit wet.
490
00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:27,275
Nice job, Eric. And as you'll have very little...
well, almost nothing to do...
491
00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:30,645
may I suggest you fix the back light
and the indicator on my truck?
492
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:34,410
The keys to the tantalus up at the big house
are under the Yellow Pages
493
00:27:34,452 --> 00:27:38,889
but I wouldn't bother cos she marks
the brandy decanter with a fine pencil line.
494
00:27:38,923 --> 00:27:40,823
- No.
- So buy yourself some lager,
495
00:27:40,859 --> 00:27:42,759
just get rid of the cans, eh?
496
00:27:42,794 --> 00:27:45,160
- Why can't I come with you?
- Hm?
497
00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:46,458
Why can't I come with you?
498
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,625
Because you can't.
499
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:58,199
This is where they used to bring them, Janey.
Up the river from Westminster.
500
00:27:58,243 --> 00:28:03,374
The only way out of here
was feet first and usually minus their heads.
501
00:28:03,415 --> 00:28:05,383
Traitor's Gate.
502
00:28:06,384 --> 00:28:10,081
It's ironic, isn't it? People who try and ruin
a country and fail are called traitors,
503
00:28:10,121 --> 00:28:12,316
those who succeed are called politicians.
504
00:28:12,357 --> 00:28:17,124
I think the Tower of London's the wrong place
for a sudden attack of candor. Come on.
505
00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:21,298
(Eastern European accent) Will you tell me
what you know about it?
506
00:28:21,332 --> 00:28:25,359
Well, erm... I'll try, Miss, er...
507
00:28:25,403 --> 00:28:27,963
Miss... Ulasuitz.
508
00:28:28,006 --> 00:28:29,633
Ulasejevic.
509
00:28:29,674 --> 00:28:31,733
You can call me Natalie if it's easier.
510
00:28:32,477 --> 00:28:34,968
Oh, I'd like that, Natalie.
511
00:28:37,415 --> 00:28:40,509
According to a Major Turpin, Natalie...
512
00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:42,486
Would that be Major Edward Turpin?
513
00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:45,587
Yeah, it would be.
514
00:28:45,623 --> 00:28:50,185
This is a 17th century nine-foot cast-iron
demi-culverin artillery piece,
515
00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:53,061
part of a lot cast for the city of Derry
in Northern Ireland
516
00:28:53,098 --> 00:28:57,467
and it almost certainly would have been
among the ordnance on the city walls.
517
00:28:57,502 --> 00:29:01,495
He also told us this weird story about
this stuff being dropped on the Germans
518
00:29:01,539 --> 00:29:04,269
from Wellington bombers during World War 2.
519
00:29:04,309 --> 00:29:06,675
Also, it's still loaded.
520
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,248
Will you come with me?
521
00:29:12,283 --> 00:29:14,251
I want to show you something.
522
00:29:14,285 --> 00:29:15,946
Both of us?
523
00:29:18,790 --> 00:29:21,884
This piece was dredged up off the Dutch coast.
524
00:29:22,494 --> 00:29:28,194
It went down with the British warship
during the battle of Scheveningen in 1653.
525
00:29:29,534 --> 00:29:31,593
Anything like yours?
526
00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:34,928
Almost exactly like ours.
527
00:29:34,973 --> 00:29:37,134
Considerably less rust.
528
00:29:37,175 --> 00:29:41,043
But what's outstanding about it are the arms,
529
00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:43,479
which are the arms of the Commonwealth,
530
00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:47,849
which were used by Oliver Cromwell
between 1649 and 1660
531
00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:49,854
when this country was a republic.
532
00:29:49,888 --> 00:29:54,382
- So it's not from Derry?
- This one was used at sea, like yours was.
533
00:29:54,425 --> 00:29:56,120
It's not a demi-culverin either?
534
00:29:56,161 --> 00:29:59,494
A culverin, possibly a culverin-drake.
535
00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:02,597
You look surprised.
536
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,499
We are, rather.
537
00:30:04,536 --> 00:30:06,800
What makes this cannon so rare
538
00:30:06,838 --> 00:30:10,899
is that only one other cannon
bearing these arms is known to exist,
539
00:30:10,942 --> 00:30:13,172
and that's in Barbados.
540
00:30:13,211 --> 00:30:16,112
Yours would appear to be the third.
541
00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:21,016
But surely Cromwell cast
thousands of cannons with this crest on.
542
00:30:21,052 --> 00:30:27,150
He did indeed, but when the monarchy was
restored and Charles II was safely on the throne,
543
00:30:27,192 --> 00:30:31,219
he decreed that every Commonwealth crest
was to be obliterated completely,
544
00:30:31,262 --> 00:30:34,459
and they did such a thorough job
that nothing survived.
545
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:38,526
So what you're saying is that our cannon
falls into the quite rare category.
546
00:30:38,570 --> 00:30:40,697
I'd say so, yes.
547
00:30:40,738 --> 00:30:43,764
And it's worth considerably more
than 750 quid, right?
548
00:30:43,808 --> 00:30:46,868
Well, we are not permitted to discuss values
549
00:30:46,911 --> 00:30:51,245
but if it's a genuine Commonwealth gun,
off the record, erm...
550
00:30:51,282 --> 00:30:54,774
I'd say 750 would be about
10% of its true value.
551
00:30:55,653 --> 00:30:59,885
I'd have to look at it first, of course.
I can come up tomorrow if you like.
552
00:31:00,391 --> 00:31:02,325
So tell us about Major Turpin.
553
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:07,525
Oh, he's an enthusiast,
and a dealer in old ordnance.
554
00:31:08,433 --> 00:31:10,867
I bump into him at the sales
from time to time.
555
00:31:10,902 --> 00:31:13,302
He buys mainly for the overseas market.
556
00:31:13,338 --> 00:31:16,000
- And sells it too, I hear.
- I believe so.
557
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:18,804
How come he made such a mistake
with the identification?
558
00:31:18,843 --> 00:31:22,210
Well, he's mainly 18th and 19th centuries.
559
00:31:22,247 --> 00:31:25,273
It's very easy to make a mistake
if it's not your period.
560
00:31:25,316 --> 00:31:30,754
But I'll tell you one thing - if it were mine,
I would chain it to something really solid.
561
00:31:30,788 --> 00:31:32,221
Like bedrock.
562
00:31:49,974 --> 00:31:51,942
Yes, can I help you?
563
00:31:54,112 --> 00:31:57,411
We're looking for Lovejoy.
We were told that he lived here.
564
00:31:57,448 --> 00:32:00,349
Well, I'm sorry he's not here today,
he's on a business trip in London.
565
00:32:00,385 --> 00:32:03,877
But I'm the next best thing.
Catchpole's the name, antiques are the game.
566
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:07,721
I imagine it is something antique
that's brought you here.
567
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:09,920
- Yes, him.
- Ha ha!
568
00:32:09,961 --> 00:32:11,451
Not exactly.
569
00:32:11,496 --> 00:32:17,025
You see, Mr. Catchpole, a few days ago,
my wife here had a stupid, unfortunate accident.
570
00:32:17,068 --> 00:32:20,162
It wasn't entirely her fault.
She's had her eyes tested...
571
00:32:20,204 --> 00:32:25,198
What he's trying to get out is that
I'm the person who backed into the truck
572
00:32:25,243 --> 00:32:28,041
- and smashed the back light.
- I see!
573
00:32:28,079 --> 00:32:35,281
So, if you would be so kind as to give this check
for £50 to Lovejoy as payment for the light,
574
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:38,255
with our heartfelt apologies,
we would be most grateful.
575
00:32:38,289 --> 00:32:40,757
- Well, I'm sorry, Mrs...
- Deerborn.
576
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:43,955
Yeah. I'm sorry, Mrs. Deerborn,
but he doesn't accept checks.
577
00:32:43,995 --> 00:32:46,555
Well, we could shoot down
to the building society.
578
00:32:46,597 --> 00:32:49,122
If you want my advice, just forget about it.
579
00:32:49,167 --> 00:32:52,159
Forget you've been here,
forget you've spoken to me,
580
00:32:52,203 --> 00:32:55,400
cos to tell you the truth, he doesn't know
who did it and he never will.
581
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:59,740
Well, that's all very well you saying that,
but how do we know we can trust you?
582
00:32:59,777 --> 00:33:04,339
- We came here in good faith.
- And I respect that good faith, Mrs. Deerborn.
583
00:33:04,382 --> 00:33:07,909
But trust me, my lips are sealed.
Dealer's honor.
584
00:33:07,952 --> 00:33:11,319
Dealer's honor?
It's the first time I've ever heard that one.
585
00:33:11,356 --> 00:33:14,450
Well, I think that's most noble of you,
Mr. Catchpole.
586
00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:19,486
And seeing as you're an expert, perhaps you'd
like to come down and look at something.
587
00:33:20,264 --> 00:33:21,253
Ah.
588
00:33:21,299 --> 00:33:24,860
It's supposed to be the last palette ever
used by Van Dyck.
589
00:33:24,902 --> 00:33:27,132
What do you think?
590
00:33:28,473 --> 00:33:30,964
- Van Dyck, you reckon?
- Yes.
591
00:33:31,009 --> 00:33:32,670
Which one?
592
00:33:32,710 --> 00:33:36,237
- What do you mean, which one?
- There was only one Van Dyck!
593
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:39,738
There was only one Rembrandt
until they started probing into him,
594
00:33:39,784 --> 00:33:43,618
then they found out there were
dozens of them all over the place.
595
00:33:43,654 --> 00:33:47,818
No, I'm not sure about this.
No provenance, no nothing.
596
00:33:48,459 --> 00:33:51,189
And there's no market in palettes these days.
597
00:33:51,229 --> 00:33:53,925
The recession killed it off.
598
00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:56,798
Still, it is a nice frame.
599
00:33:59,337 --> 00:34:02,932
So I'll tell you what,
I'll give you 15 quid for the frame.
600
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:06,909
Er, not today, thank you, Mr. Catchpole.
601
00:34:06,944 --> 00:34:08,878
Fair enough.
602
00:34:08,913 --> 00:34:12,076
I won't waste any more of your time,
thank you.
603
00:34:12,116 --> 00:34:15,608
Oh, by the way, how much did the repair cost?
604
00:34:15,653 --> 00:34:18,520
Er, the... 50 quid.
605
00:34:21,192 --> 00:34:22,181
Ahem.
606
00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:35,706
- Morning, Lady Jane, Lovejoy.
- Eric.
607
00:34:35,740 --> 00:34:38,038
Have a nice time in London, did we?
608
00:34:39,277 --> 00:34:41,108
Ahem. Did you sleep well, Eric?
609
00:34:41,145 --> 00:34:44,308
Of course not, I was up
patrolling the grounds every half-hour.
610
00:34:44,348 --> 00:34:45,906
I used to be in security, you know.
611
00:34:45,950 --> 00:34:49,283
Well, your sacrifice was not in vain.
The cannon's almost unique
612
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:53,450
- and it's worth at least seven and a half grand.
- Ha! You're kidding!
613
00:34:55,626 --> 00:35:00,120
And somebody from the Royal Armouries
is coming this afternoon to have a look at it.
614
00:35:00,164 --> 00:35:03,600
- Maybe they'll make us an offer for it.
- Yeah.
615
00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:09,939
- You got drunk, didn't you?
- I didn't!
616
00:35:09,974 --> 00:35:12,067
(Both shouting)
617
00:35:17,882 --> 00:35:20,316
Ah. Lady Felsham.
618
00:35:20,351 --> 00:35:22,114
Major Turpin. Hello.
619
00:35:22,153 --> 00:35:24,951
- I was there all night!
- You can't even!
620
00:35:25,823 --> 00:35:28,121
- Morning, Major.
- Lovejoy, Eric.
621
00:35:29,060 --> 00:35:34,828
May I introduce Matthew Belford? Matthew
is opening the theme park I told you about.
622
00:35:34,866 --> 00:35:36,731
Come to see your cannon.
623
00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:38,826
Well, there's nothing to see anymore.
624
00:35:38,870 --> 00:35:41,737
I don't understand.
You said you were bringing it here.
625
00:35:41,772 --> 00:35:43,967
- Yes, yes, I did.
- Well?
626
00:35:46,244 --> 00:35:48,542
It was stolen during the night.
627
00:35:48,579 --> 00:35:49,807
Stolen?!
628
00:35:49,847 --> 00:35:55,581
That's impossible! You can't just walk away
with a ton and a half of iron.
629
00:35:55,620 --> 00:35:58,248
I brought Matthew here to have a look at it.
630
00:35:59,690 --> 00:36:04,787
If you've got another client, Lovejoy,
I'd find that bloody unprofessional.
631
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:07,855
And a shoddy trick to boot, if you ask me.
632
00:36:07,899 --> 00:36:11,027
There is no other client
and there is no trick!
633
00:36:11,068 --> 00:36:16,199
It's been nicked, it has gone. Eric the Rottweiler
here got out of it and it has walked.
634
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,232
- Oh, come on...
- Come and see for yourself, come on.
635
00:36:21,112 --> 00:36:23,012
I didn't!
636
00:36:24,715 --> 00:36:29,652
(Major) I don't understand a damn thing.
No tracks, no footprints.
637
00:36:30,421 --> 00:36:31,888
Not even a fag end.
638
00:36:31,923 --> 00:36:33,982
What about a helicopter?
639
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,425
I thought you were awake all night.
640
00:36:36,460 --> 00:36:38,985
Or a hot-air balloon, they're pretty quiet.
641
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:41,123
"Hot-air balloon"!
642
00:36:41,165 --> 00:36:47,104
I'm beginning to ask myself
if it was ever here in the first place.
643
00:36:47,138 --> 00:36:49,129
Now, what's that supposed to mean?
644
00:36:49,173 --> 00:36:53,303
Sorry about this, Matthew.
I'll be sending you an invoice, Lovejoy.
645
00:36:53,344 --> 00:36:55,335
For services rendered.
646
00:36:55,379 --> 00:36:57,006
Oh, plus my mileage.
647
00:36:57,048 --> 00:37:00,848
All I can say is, I hope it turns up somewhere.
648
00:37:00,885 --> 00:37:03,080
Goodbye, Lady Felsham. Matthew.
649
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:04,781
Goodbye.
650
00:37:05,823 --> 00:37:09,953
Did you know it was
a Cromwellian Commonwealth gun, Major?
651
00:37:09,994 --> 00:37:13,327
Cromwellian Commonwealth gun my arse.
652
00:37:17,535 --> 00:37:18,866
(Eric sighs)
653
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:23,965
You know, if you were awake all night, Eric...
654
00:37:24,008 --> 00:37:26,238
I might have dozed off for a minute,
I don't know.
655
00:37:26,277 --> 00:37:28,973
- You heard nothing at all?
- Not even an owl.
656
00:37:29,013 --> 00:37:31,413
- Where's Tinker?
- I don't know.
657
00:37:32,416 --> 00:37:34,646
- If you...
- I'm going to inform the police.
658
00:37:34,685 --> 00:37:38,177
- Then maybe I can claim off my insurance.
- I'll come with you.
659
00:37:41,859 --> 00:37:44,384
(Arguing)
660
00:37:45,663 --> 00:37:47,756
Don't tell me to go faster!
661
00:37:50,301 --> 00:37:52,166
Stop now.
662
00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:55,906
Quick, reverse. Get out, out!
663
00:37:56,540 --> 00:37:58,906
- What price now?!
- Move!
664
00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:01,912
I'm moving, I'm moving! Reverse...
665
00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:05,575
I told you we should never have come here,
you deranged gerbil!
666
00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:07,846
Quick, get out of here, quick!
667
00:38:10,354 --> 00:38:12,618
- Afternoon, all!
- Hello, Tink.
668
00:38:12,657 --> 00:38:16,889
Oh, Tinker Dill, this is Natalie Ulasejevic
from the Royal Armouries.
669
00:38:16,927 --> 00:38:19,760
- Pleased to meet you, Mr. Dill.
- Where's the gun?!
670
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:22,459
Stolen from under his nose last night.
671
00:38:22,500 --> 00:38:26,800
- By the way, where were you last night?
- I was poring over dusty tomes.
672
00:38:26,837 --> 00:38:29,465
I finally identified the arms on the cannon.
673
00:38:29,507 --> 00:38:32,499
Cromwellian Republic,
making it a Commonwealth gun.
674
00:38:32,543 --> 00:38:35,205
What, you know?
I could have stayed in the pub!
675
00:38:35,246 --> 00:38:37,874
There is something curious about all this.
676
00:38:37,915 --> 00:38:39,177
What?
677
00:38:40,217 --> 00:38:45,280
Well, the impression here in the sand doesn't
match up with the cannon in your pictures.
678
00:38:47,525 --> 00:38:50,926
In the picture, the distance
from the cascabel to the trunnions
679
00:38:50,961 --> 00:38:53,293
is much greater than it is in the sand.
680
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:57,131
I'd say that there was at least
eight inches difference.
681
00:38:57,935 --> 00:38:59,459
How does she know that?
682
00:38:59,503 --> 00:39:01,403
She's an expert.
683
00:39:01,439 --> 00:39:05,239
Now, the muzzle, here,
is much smaller than it is in the sand,
684
00:39:05,276 --> 00:39:10,805
so, whatever it is that made this impression
certainly wasn't the gun in your pictures.
685
00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:13,976
So what you're saying is that whoever
stole the cannon
686
00:39:14,018 --> 00:39:16,646
went to all the trouble of making
an impression in the sand,
687
00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:20,646
To make us believe that it had been stolen
so they could come back later,
688
00:39:20,691 --> 00:39:23,922
steal it themselves
when the coast is clear, perhaps.
689
00:39:23,961 --> 00:39:28,125
What are you rambling on about? Coast is clear!
I mean, it's not here, is it?
690
00:39:28,165 --> 00:39:30,429
Unilateral thinking, Eric.
691
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,594
- Dig.
- What?!
692
00:39:40,211 --> 00:39:43,009
(Jane) I think something's here.
(Eric) It's here! Look!
693
00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:44,537
- (Jane) It is!
- (Laughter)
694
00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:47,882
(Eric) Who'd have believed it?!
695
00:39:47,918 --> 00:39:49,647
(Lovejoy) Well done, Tink.
696
00:39:49,687 --> 00:39:52,417
One Commonwealth gun...
697
00:39:52,456 --> 00:39:54,151
if I'm not mistaken.
698
00:39:59,263 --> 00:40:02,630
Would you be burying that thing
or just exhuming it, Lovejoy?
699
00:40:02,666 --> 00:40:05,533
- Oh, I can explain, Constable.
- I think we've seen enough.
700
00:40:05,569 --> 00:40:09,403
Lady Felsham, I trust you won't be making
a claim on your insurance company?
701
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:11,169
Of course not!
702
00:40:11,208 --> 00:40:15,577
Well, there is a small matter of wasting
police time to be taken into consideration
703
00:40:15,613 --> 00:40:19,572
but I'll put that on Lovejoy's account
if that's all right with you.
704
00:40:32,163 --> 00:40:33,994
(Eric) Looks incredible.
705
00:40:34,031 --> 00:40:35,965
Couldn't agree more.
706
00:40:43,707 --> 00:40:45,698
It could almost fool me.
707
00:40:45,743 --> 00:40:49,804
Well, to avoid a repetition of last night's fiasco,
Eric, you're taking first watch.
708
00:40:49,847 --> 00:40:52,213
- What?!
- I'll relieve you in four hours.
709
00:40:52,249 --> 00:40:53,716
What are you lot gonna be doing?
710
00:40:53,751 --> 00:40:58,245
We are going to reward Natalie for an excellent
impression of a Commonwealth gun...
711
00:40:58,289 --> 00:41:00,348
- with dinner.
- Spasiba.
712
00:41:00,391 --> 00:41:03,292
Put the saucepans back in the kitchen, Eric.
713
00:41:03,327 --> 00:41:05,227
And rake the sand.
714
00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:07,958
Bloody great!
715
00:41:10,167 --> 00:41:11,498
(Owl hoots)
716
00:41:21,545 --> 00:41:23,410
(Tinker) Hic!
717
00:41:24,949 --> 00:41:26,678
About time.
718
00:41:26,717 --> 00:41:30,414
You are relieved. There's your supper.
719
00:41:30,454 --> 00:41:32,115
Oh, thanks a lot.
720
00:41:33,357 --> 00:41:35,348
I shall take over now.
721
00:41:36,627 --> 00:41:38,993
Ah-ah-ah!
722
00:41:39,029 --> 00:41:41,020
Have no fear.
723
00:41:50,241 --> 00:41:52,505
(Snores)
724
00:41:58,782 --> 00:42:01,717
(Tinker) No, get out the way.
I've gotta have a pee.
725
00:42:01,752 --> 00:42:04,380
- Morning, lads!
- (Tinker) I had a lot to drink last night.
726
00:42:04,421 --> 00:42:06,719
(Eric) Well, more than I did!
727
00:42:07,725 --> 00:42:10,193
- Everything all right?
- Yeah, fine, thanks.
728
00:42:12,596 --> 00:42:14,894
Breakfast down the pub, my treat.
729
00:42:21,238 --> 00:42:24,537
- (Phone)
- Excuse me. Could you, erm? Thank you.
730
00:42:24,575 --> 00:42:26,566
These are nice.
731
00:42:28,078 --> 00:42:30,842
Hello? Yes, this is Jane Felsham.
732
00:42:31,982 --> 00:42:33,415
What?
733
00:42:33,450 --> 00:42:36,078
Oh, my God. Is it serious?
734
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:38,281
Yes, I'll be there right away.
735
00:42:38,322 --> 00:42:39,812
What happened?
736
00:42:39,857 --> 00:42:42,121
Tinker's fallen down the cellar steps at the pub.
737
00:42:42,159 --> 00:42:43,820
Oh, my God!
738
00:43:07,284 --> 00:43:10,549
Oh... (Speaks Russian)
739
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:12,889
Are you all right?
740
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:14,254
Oh, no!
741
00:43:16,293 --> 00:43:18,693
God, damn and blast!
742
00:43:26,236 --> 00:43:28,101
Morning!
743
00:43:31,075 --> 00:43:32,508
We've come to see Lovejoy.
744
00:43:32,543 --> 00:43:34,841
- He's not here.
- Oh.
745
00:43:34,878 --> 00:43:36,505
Any idea when he'll be back?
746
00:43:36,547 --> 00:43:39,482
Tomorrow, day after. Gone to Dublin.
747
00:43:39,516 --> 00:43:41,575
- What?
- He's gone to Dublin.
748
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:43,985
You can leave a message if you like.
749
00:43:44,021 --> 00:43:48,219
Hey! That's the cannon that finished up
in the pub cellar.
750
00:43:48,258 --> 00:43:49,987
- Isn't it?
- What, this cannon?
751
00:43:50,027 --> 00:43:52,461
- Yes.
- Er, no, I don't think so, no.
752
00:43:52,496 --> 00:43:56,023
Oh, come on, Leo. There's no point in staying
if he's not here.
753
00:43:56,066 --> 00:43:57,863
Come on!
754
00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:05,666
(Bang and crashing)
755
00:44:05,709 --> 00:44:09,975
Oh, God! (Muttering)
756
00:44:10,014 --> 00:44:14,212
You silly old tart, you pin brain!
Look what you've done to the man's car.
757
00:44:14,251 --> 00:44:16,446
No, look, it's nothing.
758
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:19,615
- Nothing?
- These things are meant to take knocks.
759
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,750
Just forget it, there's a good chap.
760
00:44:21,792 --> 00:44:23,282
Oh, no, not this time.
761
00:44:27,998 --> 00:44:31,661
Look, take this. Have your bumper rechromed.
762
00:44:31,702 --> 00:44:35,570
No, it's my fault. I shouldn't be parked
like this in the first place.
763
00:44:35,606 --> 00:44:38,632
- Come on, Leo, let's go.
- Stop being hysterical!
764
00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:40,303
Insurance details, please!
765
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:43,313
Look, would you do me a favor,
both of you? Hm?
766
00:44:43,347 --> 00:44:45,338
Just bugger off out of here!
767
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:06,362
Well, I'd say that was the galloping Major.
768
00:45:06,403 --> 00:45:08,394
I must check the cannon.
769
00:45:08,439 --> 00:45:10,634
And who have we here?
770
00:45:11,041 --> 00:45:13,373
Alice and Leo Deerborn.
771
00:45:13,410 --> 00:45:16,470
They're the couple who smashed the light
on your pickup truck.
772
00:45:16,513 --> 00:45:23,180
Now look here, if we hadn't been here, your
cannon would be on that back of that trailer.
773
00:45:23,220 --> 00:45:25,950
So you're the two who started all this.
774
00:45:25,989 --> 00:45:31,450
Well, the things is, we did offer
your associate £50, but he turned it down.
775
00:45:31,495 --> 00:45:34,225
Did you really? Is that right, Eric?
776
00:45:34,264 --> 00:45:37,199
Well, Alice, Leo.
If I may call you that...
777
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:42,467
Now, the thing is, as you won't accept the cash,
we'd like to say how sorry we are
778
00:45:42,506 --> 00:45:47,034
for having caused you all this trouble,
and we'd like you to accept something in lieu.
779
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:50,171
Now, just a minute,
I'm just gonna get something out the car...
780
00:45:50,214 --> 00:45:53,206
This is a one-off, one in a lifetime.
You'll like it.
781
00:45:53,250 --> 00:45:56,617
...because, you see, this is worth £50.
782
00:45:56,653 --> 00:45:58,621
It's Van Dyck's last palette.
783
00:45:58,655 --> 00:46:01,215
More like Dick Van Dyke's.
784
00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:03,954
I offered 'em 15 quid for the frame.
785
00:46:07,564 --> 00:46:08,895
I can't accept it.
786
00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:12,993
This is all your fault.
She's caused so much aggravation...
787
00:46:13,036 --> 00:46:20,204
Shut up, Leo! But why can't you accept it?
It'll more than cover the cost of the back light.
788
00:46:20,244 --> 00:46:21,438
Oh, exactly.
789
00:46:21,478 --> 00:46:25,278
I could probably buy another pickup truck
and still have a pile of cash left over.
790
00:46:25,315 --> 00:46:26,714
What?!
791
00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:31,551
It's not Van Dyck's last palette.
It's something more interesting.
792
00:46:31,588 --> 00:46:32,919
Come with me.
793
00:46:33,524 --> 00:46:38,518
When Charles I was executed,
Cromwell tried to ban all his pictures.
794
00:46:38,562 --> 00:46:42,123
Now, one way the Royalists could keep faith
with the monarchy
795
00:46:42,166 --> 00:46:46,262
was in these secret pictures -
anamorphic pictures, they're called.
796
00:46:46,303 --> 00:46:48,897
The way to see them,
the way to break the painter's code
797
00:46:48,939 --> 00:46:51,737
was to put a silver cylinder on here -
798
00:46:51,775 --> 00:46:55,370
something that Cromwell's rummage crews
didn't carry round with them, right?
799
00:46:55,412 --> 00:46:58,540
But I can use Eric's exhaust pipe.
800
00:47:00,184 --> 00:47:03,620
Right. Who's that?
801
00:47:04,621 --> 00:47:08,022
Ah... We haven't seen one of those for a bit.
802
00:47:08,058 --> 00:47:10,026
It's Charles I.
803
00:47:10,060 --> 00:47:12,494
Ha! Isn't that incredible.
804
00:47:12,529 --> 00:47:14,394
Well, well.
805
00:47:15,465 --> 00:47:19,265
- I can see his face!
- Who would have believed it?
806
00:47:21,271 --> 00:47:24,536
You can never tell what's looking you
straight in the face, can you?
807
00:47:24,575 --> 00:47:27,442
Well, with you, that isn't surprising.
808
00:47:27,477 --> 00:47:30,708
Oh... We just thought it was some old palette.
809
00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:34,913
Leo took it instead of cash
for some dental work he did.
810
00:47:34,952 --> 00:47:39,946
I told you, didn't I?
You just didn't trust me one little bit, did you?
811
00:47:39,990 --> 00:47:41,651
No.
812
00:47:43,293 --> 00:47:46,160
How much is it worth?
813
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:48,721
Depending on the painter...
three or four grand.
814
00:47:50,067 --> 00:47:53,127
But Eric was right about one thing -
815
00:47:53,170 --> 00:47:55,001
the frame's worth about 15 quid.
816
00:47:55,739 --> 00:47:58,299
- My new carpet...
- We're worth a fortune.
817
00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:03,137
I've got it. I've got it!
818
00:48:03,547 --> 00:48:06,573
No, no, no! Stay away from that thing,
it's still loaded.
819
00:48:06,617 --> 00:48:10,246
Gunpowder loses its potency very quickly
with age.
820
00:48:13,023 --> 00:48:14,820
Well...
821
00:48:15,592 --> 00:48:18,356
a cannonball it isn't.
822
00:48:20,330 --> 00:48:22,457
What on earth's that?
823
00:48:23,100 --> 00:48:25,796
A Cromwellian... rat.
824
00:48:26,403 --> 00:48:28,030
Eurgh!
825
00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:29,368
We're off.
826
00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:32,705
Are you quite sure you don't want
the palette, Lovejoy?
827
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:36,873
Alice, keep it. We're both a few quid up
on the day, let's leave it at that.
828
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:38,779
Oh...
829
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,650
Thank you.
830
00:48:41,685 --> 00:48:44,313
Thank you, Lovejoy. You're a gentleman.
831
00:48:44,354 --> 00:48:46,185
- Bye, everyone.
- Goodbye, everybody!
832
00:48:46,223 --> 00:48:47,850
- (Jane) Goodbye.
- Come on, darling.
833
00:48:47,891 --> 00:48:48,880
Goodbye!
834
00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:53,226
Well, I think this calls for something
French and fizzy, don't you, Tink?
835
00:48:53,263 --> 00:48:55,026
I thought you'd never ask!
836
00:48:55,065 --> 00:48:56,464
(Bang)
837
00:48:56,500 --> 00:48:59,492
(Leo) You boss-eyed old bat!
Look what you've done!
838
00:48:59,536 --> 00:49:02,869
(Alice) Don't speak to me in that tone of voice!
(Leo) That's the third one this week!
839
00:49:02,919 --> 00:49:07,469
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