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1
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(Car radio) ♪ So let me introduce
I'm g-neither man or moose
2
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:59,322
♪ So, g-know, g-know, g-know I'm a gnu
3
00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:10,632
(Singing along to radio) ♪ I'm a gnu, I'm a gnu
4
00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:14,564
♪ The nicest work of g-nature in the zoo
5
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:16,936
- ♪ I'm a gnu
- I believe you.
6
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:19,001
♪ How do you do?
7
00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:21,775
♪ You really ought to g-know who's w-who ♪
8
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How much farther is this gaff?
9
00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,652
By the left... wheel!
10
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,545
What does go on under that beret?
11
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:34,122
- Memories, Lovejoy. Memories.
- ♪... I'm g-neither man nor moose
12
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:38,221
- ♪ So g-know, g-know, g-know...
- ♪ I'm a gnu ♪
13
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:54,043
(Car horn toots)
14
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,071
- Good morning.
- Morning.
15
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,319
Lovejoy, there's a slight problem.
16
00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:05,450
The client's virtually broke. He's spent all
his money renovating... Where are you going?
17
00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:08,757
We had a contract.
You decorate, me furnish, him pay.
18
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,754
- Him not pay, me go.
- Easy for you to quit. I've done my part.
19
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,359
Come and meet him. You're going to love him.
20
00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:18,427
Yes, he does have a certain charm, you know.
21
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,666
And an overwhelming sense of honor.
22
00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:25,670
I don't mind if it's plastic
as long as it looks like the real thing.
23
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:28,840
Only this is the real thing
and doesn't look like it, OK?
24
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:33,912
- It wants to be all cut back...
- Lovejoy, Major Linden Walker.
25
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:37,389
- Stinker!
- Ha ha! My goodness me!
26
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,857
Mr. Lovejoy.
Oh, goodness me, this is a pleasure.
27
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:43,488
- I've heard so much about you.
- I've heard about you, too.
28
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:49,127
Now, I'm sure if you and Jane work together,
I stay strictly out of it, things will get done.
29
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:52,161
- What do you say?
- I say, what are you using for money?
30
00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:54,139
Lovejoy, please!
31
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:57,041
No, I like a man
who comes straight to the point.
32
00:02:57,076 --> 00:02:58,634
Yeah, money.
33
00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:03,180
Tell you what. Come with me
and I'll show you a photograph of it, OK?
34
00:03:05,818 --> 00:03:08,480
Excuse me. Coming through, thank you.
35
00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:13,288
Bonkers, broke and an old buddy of Tinker's.
Not exactly the best credentials in the world.
36
00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:16,693
So when that still, small voice
at the back of the old head says,
37
00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:20,290
"Danger, Lovejoy, you're about
to be turned over," why don't I walk...
38
00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:22,324
- Lovejoy!
- Come on.
39
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,928
That's why. A chance to help old friends.
40
00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:30,641
Now, as you know, Lovejoy, there is a deadline.
41
00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:32,668
Why are we following him?
42
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:35,010
(Tinker) Mark of a true officer, Lovejoy.
43
00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:41,851
Civilians will be here in three days, so we'll
need tables, tables, tables to eat the rations off.
44
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,047
Now, then.
45
00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:49,727
Aunt May from Windsor.
46
00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:53,129
She'll be down for the opening.
47
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,363
You remember her.
Came to the demob party of '58.
48
00:03:56,402 --> 00:04:00,771
- Played the piano.
- Exactly. Now, what do you see?
49
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,537
Aunt May brandishing bananas.
50
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:08,980
Exactly. But whence come the bananas
Aunt May brandisheth?
51
00:04:10,216 --> 00:04:13,982
- Lovejoy!
- Two silver bowls, Stinker.
52
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:18,150
Paul de Pomerey, 1760... ish.
53
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,952
Ah, well, now you're talking.
About 40 grand, if they're genuine.
54
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,691
Oh, solid as a rock.
55
00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:29,134
Now, cash these in for me, Lovejoy, and
buy me what I want out of the proceeds, OK?
56
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:31,602
Does she know she's giving them to you?
57
00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:35,130
If you don't believe me, go and fetch her
tomorrow morning. Bruce? Bruce!
58
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:38,203
Give Lovejoy Aunt May's address, will you?
59
00:04:38,244 --> 00:04:41,304
Oh, and one thing I do need. A piano.
60
00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,679
I know where to get a square Dutch job.
61
00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:46,583
Wonderful tone, last time I heard it.
62
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:51,056
You know what we want it for.
Crime And Punishment ride again!
63
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:55,459
♪ Behind that monarch of the road
64
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,463
♪ Observer of the Highway Code
65
00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,556
♪ That big six-wheeler scarlet-painted... ♪
66
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:02,067
They met in the national service... Whoops!
67
00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:06,128
Sort of a two-man ENSA.
They used to entertain the brass.
68
00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:10,199
Linden a musical hall turn?
But he comes from such a good family.
69
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:12,143
So do I, and look where I spent last year.
70
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,271
Would you give the gentleman this address?
71
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,782
I'm doing nothing until I see that silver.
72
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:18,613
Oh, Lovejoy, time is of the essence.
73
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:21,848
Look, what say I give you some petty cash?
74
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,879
- Thank you.
- Erm...
75
00:05:25,958 --> 00:05:27,755
(Heavy metal music on headphones)
76
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,785
Hello! Anybody there?
77
00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:37,100
- (Gasps)
- Sorry, mate, but I did knock.
78
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:39,331
- What?
- I said, sorry, but I did knock.
79
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:43,934
Oh, it's like being at sea. First moments ashore,
you feel like the land's heaving.
80
00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:46,877
Same with that band.
Turn 'em off and you can still hear 'em.
81
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,814
Bleugh! Oh, that's better.
82
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:53,945
- You buying or selling, mate?
- I'm visiting. Old friends getting together.
83
00:05:53,986 --> 00:05:57,114
- Where is he? I've tried the cottage, but...
- Lovejoy?
84
00:05:57,156 --> 00:06:00,319
- Oh, he's out on a buying trip for the firm.
- Yeah?
85
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,488
You're having me on, ain't you?
You've melted him down.
86
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,793
To be honest,
I thought he'd come on more than that.
87
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:08,323
(Sniffs) Smells right, though.
88
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,531
No, that's what we call glue in the trade,
Mr. Erm?
89
00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:14,267
- Mr. Palmer.
- Well, can I help, Mr. Palmer?
90
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,639
No. I've got to see Lovejoy.
91
00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:20,940
It's all right, Mr. Palmer.
Lovejoy doesn't keep any secrets from me.
92
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:23,471
Don't you kid yourself, son.
93
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:26,883
What, meet him inside, did you?
Share the same cell or...
94
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:31,447
Well, same landing, put it that way. Yeah.
95
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:35,384
Well, I'm going to have to be honest with you,
Mr. Palmer.
96
00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:40,627
I know it's very difficult when you first
come out, but we can't offer you work.
97
00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:43,362
- Do you think you could give me a hand?
- Yeah, yeah.
98
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,668
No, I'm not looking for a sub.
It's more social than business, you know?
99
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,697
Ah. Right.
100
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:53,041
- Come to think, he did talk about a partner.
- Yeah?
101
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:58,574
Gordon Bennett, you're wearing well for a man
of 50, who's been half cut since Coronation Day.
102
00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:01,143
Oh, no, that's Tinker. He works for us.
103
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:06,352
You see, basically, we split the work two ways
and Tinker does all the running around for us.
104
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:11,159
Lovejoy looks after the buying and selling
and I'm more the hands-on end of things.
105
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:13,529
- The expert, eh?
- If you like.
106
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:18,628
- What are you doing now, then?
- This is what we call restoring, Mr. Palmer.
107
00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:21,572
You see, Lovejoy brought this back
from one of his trips.
108
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:26,067
It's been up against a radiator for 50 years.
All the joints are shriveled. It's falling to bits.
109
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:30,708
But you give me a week and I will have it
looking as good as new. Or old!
110
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:35,687
Cor, blimey! He's fallen right with his feet
on the ground, hasn't he?
111
00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:39,418
An expert like you, with all that knowledge
and expertise at his fingertips.
112
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:43,657
But tell me something. Have you never heard
of superglue? It'd spare the pen-and-ink.
113
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:47,063
Authenticity, Mr. Palmer. That's my trademark.
114
00:07:47,099 --> 00:07:49,567
- Would you mind passing me that clamp?
- No.
115
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:55,604
You see, this glue is the same glue
that was used by craftsmen 200 years ago.
116
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:58,735
- Go on.
- Hepplewhite, Sheraton, Chippendale.
117
00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:01,941
- What's in it, then?
- Well, I don't know. It'll say on the label.
118
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,142
Lovejoy buys it in the supermarket.
119
00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:07,084
If you don't mind me saying so,
haven't you gone a bit mad with...
120
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:11,112
- Hey, please, Mr. Palmer.
- Sorry. You're the expert.
121
00:08:11,924 --> 00:08:14,324
I'll tell you what, I'll wait in the garden.
122
00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:40,285
Just trying to remember if I liked you or not.
123
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:44,714
- Got your bearings yet?
- What can I do for you, George?
124
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:49,126
- Cheese and pickle?
- No.
125
00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:53,257
Well, you might not believe this,
but I've actually come down here to thank you.
126
00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:57,565
Those lectures you did on French Renaissance
furniture, they were an inspiration to me.
127
00:08:57,603 --> 00:09:00,128
You and the two geezers from D Wing,
you mean?
128
00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:05,940
I'm not a screw anymore. No.
Took my pension, set up in business.
129
00:09:05,978 --> 00:09:08,242
House clearance.
130
00:09:09,248 --> 00:09:11,773
I thought we might join forces occasionally.
131
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:15,647
Yeah, maybe. Anything on the cards?
132
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:19,658
As it happens, yeah.
A place called Dashwood House.
133
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:35,364
Ah... Angela, is it? We spoke on the phone.
134
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,206
- So you must be Mr. Palmer.
- That's right.
135
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,576
- Hello.
- Hello. Uh, this is Lovejoy.
136
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:43,411
- Hello.
- Hello. Tables and chairs, you said?
137
00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:46,111
- That's right.
- Have a look round.
138
00:09:47,119 --> 00:09:49,110
- I'll be in the kitchen.
- OK.
139
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:54,322
- I expect you'd like some coffee?
- Mm.
140
00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:57,922
It's both of them, Your Ladyship.
141
00:09:58,864 --> 00:10:03,164
Fetch this, carry that, run down there with this.
142
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,432
Do a fan dance on the way! Huh!
143
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,838
Do you want to hear something
really disgusting?
144
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:14,642
- I'm not altogether sure.
- He's started borrowing money off me.
145
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:18,548
Lovejoy? That means he likes you.
He does it to all his friends.
146
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,782
Well, he borrowed 20 quid Friday morning.
147
00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:24,722
Why? To make up my wage packet
Friday evening.
148
00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:27,788
My mum says it's robbing Paul to pay Paul.
149
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:33,192
You know, there's precious little here
that's of any use.
150
00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:37,328
- Is there anything in the house, Eric?
- So I thought, "Right, I'll show both of 'em."
151
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:41,363
- Eric!
- Look, what exactly is it you're after?
152
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:45,741
The thing is, to decorate Linden's restaurant
for the opening party.
153
00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:49,940
- What are you going as?
- The Invisible Man.
154
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,707
I'm not invited.
155
00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:55,219
Oh.
156
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:59,051
There's some quite nice stuff here, George.
157
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,582
Put the suit of armor
and the candlesticks down to me.
158
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:04,596
- Yeah?
- A little bit of charm and we're on our way.
159
00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:07,827
That pension took 30 years to mature.
Don't spend it all at once.
160
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:10,335
- Real coffee, nothing like it.
- Nice.
161
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:13,270
- Seen anything you fancy?
- Some bits and pieces on here.
162
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:17,332
And we'd like the refectory table,
the gate-leg and the drop-leaf, with chairs.
163
00:11:17,376 --> 00:11:20,277
- Price?
- We thought 4,000.
164
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,482
Then it's a one-sided conversation.
165
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,883
Oh, that's just for the furniture.
Another 2,000 for the bits and pieces.
166
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:29,183
Cash? That makes six.
167
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:31,880
- Half each, right?
- Yeah.
168
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:37,394
Expensive brand of charm, Lovejoy.
169
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:56,339
- Good morning!
- Good morning.
170
00:11:56,382 --> 00:12:01,115
If your name's Lady Jane,
firstly, he says he'll see you at the auction.
171
00:12:01,153 --> 00:12:05,385
Second, what did he ever do
to deserve crumpet like you?
172
00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:10,024
Could I set you straight on one or two matters,
whoever you are?
173
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,327
I'm the fella that's brought
a bit of business his way. George Palmer.
174
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:18,735
I'm Lovejoy's business partner. Crumpet, as far
as I'm aware, is a cake one cooks on a griddle.
175
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,101
- Sorry I spoke.
- I share that view.
176
00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:25,909
Is this all the stuff from Dashwood House,
Mr. Palmer?
177
00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:30,041
It is, yeah. It's en route
to a place called Linden's.
178
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,676
Subject, of course, to Her Ladyship's approval.
179
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,048
Eric! Now, that is exactly what I'm looking for.
180
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:43,420
Well, it's a pity we couldn't get it in your size,
pet. You must be about a 12.
181
00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:45,453
It's not for me, Mr. Palmer.
182
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:49,366
I fight without armor,
as you may well discover before much longer.
183
00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:52,971
- (Car horn toots)
- Who's this, then?
184
00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:55,735
(Eric) Don't you think
you'd better be on your way, George?
185
00:12:55,775 --> 00:13:00,212
Eric, hitch up Miriam, dear boy.
We go in search of a piano.
186
00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:02,714
- Morning, Tinker.
- Good morning, ma'am.
187
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:06,912
Oh, this is the fella that does
the running around for you and Lovejoy.
188
00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:09,887
Come along, lad, jump to it.
We haven't got all day.
189
00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:12,686
You're the one who understands
the mysteries of this trailer,
190
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:15,285
so unravel them before I thicken your ear.
191
00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:17,659
(Laughs) What a character, eh?
192
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:23,157
Yeah. Do you know, the way staff treat
their employers these days... Shocking, innit?
193
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:25,827
Wagons roll!
194
00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:35,942
- When did we actually meet, then?
- You held a Victorian soiree.
195
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,381
"Save the hedgehog", I think it was.
196
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:41,682
I was prevailed upon to sing a small selection.
197
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,780
- What, all the words?
- Comment at thy peril.
198
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:48,191
Well, nice to see you again. Here it is.
199
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:52,389
- That's not it.
- It is.
200
00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:54,160
No, there's been a mistake.
201
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,795
Look, you said on the phone
you wanted my piano.
202
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,329
We're getting the deluxe model of this
next week.
203
00:14:01,373 --> 00:14:03,364
It'll take a bigger fish tank.
204
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:06,640
Now, are you or are you not interested?
205
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,512
You had a four-legged Dutch job. Square.
206
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:11,949
Ah!
207
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,975
- Ah.
- Ah.
208
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:20,882
- Sacrilege.
- Well, it is mine to do as I please with.
209
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,657
50 miles for a three-legged potting bench.
210
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,997
I do have that piece, actually.
211
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,433
I use it as a dibber.
212
00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:37,241
£300, Mr. Sorrel. My only offer.
213
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:40,404
You can't give good money for this old rubbish!
214
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:43,313
The young have no feeling for beauty.
215
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:45,340
Especially when it comes to music.
216
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:48,182
- (Discordant chord)
- Stockhausen.
217
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:36,599
- Been here before?
- Once or twice.
218
00:15:36,635 --> 00:15:39,297
It's too big a schlep for day-to-day stuff.
219
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:44,742
I do know that somewhere through there
is a French restaurant that you would adore.
220
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,177
Since when have you been
an authority on my tastes?
221
00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:49,976
With young Alexander away,
there's no one to cook for you.
222
00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:53,075
German, mid 18th century.
Quite wrong for Linden.
223
00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:58,816
They must have dropped the stuff off
at lunch time.
224
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:03,726
His name's George Palmer. He's a thickset
bloke, fair hair, moustache, about 5' 10".
225
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:08,290
Give us a break. That describes most people
over 20. Let's have a squint at the ledger.
226
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,097
- The woman?
- A good-looker.
227
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,695
Dark, tall, a very direct way about her.
228
00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:16,097
George?
229
00:16:32,891 --> 00:16:35,155
- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah.
230
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:38,652
I just burgled a house
and paid three grand for the privilege.
231
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,727
(Tinker) ♪ Very soon you'll find yourself
inside the terminus
232
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:49,332
♪ In a London Transport, diesel-engined,
97-horsepower omnibus
233
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:52,936
♪ Hold very tight, please! Ting-ting! ♪
234
00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:54,969
Hold tight.
235
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,444
Richard Clayderman?
236
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:39,190
No. Eric Catchpole.
237
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,692
Out. Both of you.
238
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:49,757
You got an M.O.T. For this scrap yard?
239
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,669
Erm... Well, I dunno. It's my guv'nor's.
240
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:56,105
Last time I saw anything as bald as that
it was in The Magnificent Seven.
241
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:58,905
- Terrific film!
- Shut up.
242
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,846
Insurance?
243
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,871
License to kill?
244
00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:08,241
- Where are you taking the piano?
- To a restaurant, Sergeant.
245
00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:12,490
- Peckish, is it?
- Oh, very witty!
246
00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:16,517
Erm... Tell me, are you moving, or is it the car?
247
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,530
Jem!
248
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:20,555
Get the brake, quick!
249
00:18:25,971 --> 00:18:28,132
Dearie dearie me.
250
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,164
Ha!
251
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:44,847
Where is he?
252
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:47,017
Major Walker is in London, madam.
253
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,493
- Regimental reunion.
- When's he back?
254
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:54,359
I couldn't say, madam.
These things have a habit of overrunning.
255
00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:59,700
- (Anguished groan)
- Lovejoy...
256
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:04,108
- Oh, Janey! Look!
- Calm down.
257
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,304
Calm down, Lovejoy.
258
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:11,612
This George and Angela, maybe they took a
fancy to each other this morning when they met.
259
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,641
Oh, give me a break.
260
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:16,119
All right, so maybe they knew each other before.
261
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,850
So why didn't he say so?
262
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:21,451
Some women like to keep
their private lives private.
263
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:25,361
What are you going to say to Linden?
"All this stuff's stolen. Your party's off"?
264
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:28,389
- Yeah.
- He'll be so disappointed.
265
00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:31,300
Oh, and what will I be?
Laughing at five years inside, eh?
266
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:33,497
- Who are you phoning?
- George.
267
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:40,101
My fingerprints are all over that place. He didn't
touch anything and she wore rubber gloves.
268
00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:44,241
I thought you might hold off for a few days,
as far as the police are concerned.
269
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:47,081
- Till after the opening party.
- Why?
270
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:50,919
Well, Linden needs good publicity
for the place to succeed.
271
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:54,983
- If it fails, then...
- We might not get paid.
272
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,495
I was actually thinking of him.
273
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:01,226
But now you come to mention it,
yes, we could be out of pocket.
274
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:05,430
And what's a few days,
providing we tell the truth in the end?
275
00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:08,735
You do loosen up
once young Alexander goes away, don't you?
276
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:12,505
It being lunch time, madam,
may I offer you a cold collation?
277
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,535
No!
278
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,643
Before we do anything else,
we should check Dashwood House,
279
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:21,152
make sure Angela doesn't own it.
280
00:20:28,093 --> 00:20:29,583
(Angry shouting)
281
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:33,928
- Don't start about the burglar alarm again!
- Just tell the officer what's gone missing.
282
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,434
- A table.
- Yes, there's a table, some chairs.
283
00:20:36,468 --> 00:20:39,494
One or two small items. German candlesticks.
284
00:20:39,538 --> 00:20:43,099
A French clock.
Can you believe a suit of armor?
285
00:20:43,141 --> 00:20:45,974
Typical of Mrs. M's daughter,
choosing this week to give birth!
286
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:48,502
- Oh, Andrea!
- They certainly knew their onions.
287
00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:52,950
They sure did. They didn't touch that vase
your mother gave me for my birthday.
288
00:20:53,852 --> 00:20:57,754
- It's not her, is it?
- Like I said, I burgled her house this morning.
289
00:20:57,789 --> 00:21:00,485
That one, I blew three grand of your money.
290
00:21:00,525 --> 00:21:03,221
Come on, let's get it back from that Auntie May.
291
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:12,499
Four o'clock this afternoon, mate. Right here.
292
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:16,830
New tires, new brakes, new electrics.
293
00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:21,340
- Can't say fairer than that.
- And an M.O.T., Adrian.
294
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:26,545
- Pushing it a bit for time, aren't you?
- Reputable garage like ours? Doddle!
295
00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:30,316
- Take it away, Carly.
- Tell your guv'nor he'll be hearing from us.
296
00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:39,657
They won't be back till four.
What're we going to do till then?
297
00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:41,825
Take advantage of the countryside.
298
00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:48,964
Auntie May can't live here.
Are you sure there's not another Stables Road?
299
00:21:49,007 --> 00:21:53,307
- Well, it says Killdorry.
- But she's one of your lot. Look.
300
00:21:53,345 --> 00:21:56,906
Well, shall we stand here guessing
or go in and find out?
301
00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,283
Hello. Come in.
302
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,220
- Mrs. Walker?
- That's right. Do come in.
303
00:22:05,891 --> 00:22:08,553
You will excuse the clutter, won't you?
304
00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:14,926
I'm moving, you know. Well, of course
you know, why else would you be here?
305
00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:17,799
We'll start with the kitchen.
306
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:21,499
Erm... Mrs. Walker, I'm Lovejoy.
307
00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:26,170
Ah, that rings a bell. Any children yet?
308
00:22:26,211 --> 00:22:28,771
We thought we'd wait.
309
00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:33,683
- We're not actually married, Mrs. Walker.
- Oh, I say! How exciting!
310
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:37,655
We are friends of Linden's.
We have come to take you to him.
311
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:40,123
Oh, I'd best get ready then, hadn't I?
312
00:22:40,158 --> 00:22:43,389
Erm... You could start
putting my things in your car.
313
00:22:43,428 --> 00:22:45,919
How long were you thinking of staying?
314
00:22:45,964 --> 00:22:51,425
Forever, dear.
If he wants my silver, he gets me, as well.
315
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:54,132
Well, I'm sure he's looking forward to it.
316
00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:56,868
You want to bet?
317
00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:03,638
We came over from Ireland, all of us, in 1928.
318
00:23:03,682 --> 00:23:07,118
Big house there, burned to the ground, you see.
319
00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:09,677
Oh, you'd have wept, Mr. Lovejoy.
320
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:13,487
All the furniture, up in smoke.
Some of it priceless.
321
00:23:13,525 --> 00:23:17,120
But you managed to hang onto
some of the smaller stuff, though, eh?
322
00:23:17,162 --> 00:23:19,858
Oh, gold and silver was all in the bank.
323
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:25,131
Daddy spent it as the years went on,
rather than get a job in London.
324
00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:27,365
How come he left the tableware?
325
00:23:28,273 --> 00:23:30,639
Just one of those things, dear.
326
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:45,579
Hands off!
327
00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:48,718
It's way past four
and there's no sign of them yet.
328
00:23:51,897 --> 00:23:55,264
- North, I think.
- Yeah, but we can't leave this stuff.
329
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:58,394
I noticed a pay-phone
as we passed through the village.
330
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:01,998
The fact that it had a pub wrapped round it
is pure coincidence.
331
00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:04,605
84.
332
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,874
- Where am I?
- Three Horseshoes, Pillbridge.
333
00:24:10,916 --> 00:24:13,180
- Phone?
- Over there.
334
00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:17,545
- Is he with you?
- I'm afraid so.
335
00:24:17,589 --> 00:24:22,288
Otherwise, who knows
what passions the two of us might unleash?
336
00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:24,318
Oh, you daft devil! What're you having?
337
00:24:24,362 --> 00:24:28,731
A large whisky, a small chaser,
something for your bounteous self.
338
00:24:28,767 --> 00:24:32,635
And for our chaperone, a lager.
The gassier, the better.
339
00:24:32,671 --> 00:24:35,640
- Cheers, Bev.
- See you, lads. Drive safely.
340
00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:41,535
Be off with you.
You're supposed to be there in 20 minutes.
341
00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:45,715
Darts team, away match.
They nearly didn't make it.
342
00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:48,480
- Oh, dear.
- Well, they didn't have any transport.
343
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:50,647
Then someone lent Adrian his car.
344
00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:53,988
- Blue, with brown spots?
- Death trap.
345
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:57,318
Eric, come on!
346
00:25:12,711 --> 00:25:14,702
Lovejoy's gonna kill us.
347
00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:18,842
You paid three ton for a musical potting shed.
Now I've given Miriam away.
348
00:25:18,884 --> 00:25:21,785
But we have our health.
349
00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:23,811
Let us go and drink to it.
350
00:25:28,994 --> 00:25:31,554
I haven't got the wherewithal.
351
00:25:31,596 --> 00:25:35,327
I haven't got the whitebait, the king prawns,
the scallops or the Scottish salmon.
352
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:38,165
- That's virtually the entire menu.
- Same goes for the wine.
353
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:42,333
- 123 quid or I'm off.
- Three hundred!
354
00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:44,365
(Car horn toots)
355
00:25:47,145 --> 00:25:49,477
Lovejoy, Jane, look, vouch for me, will you?
356
00:25:49,514 --> 00:25:53,848
Oh, he's a terrific guy. Jane, will you tell Bruce
we could do with a hand with the luggage?
357
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:55,910
Tell him I'm good for the money as soon as I...
358
00:25:55,954 --> 00:25:59,355
Oh, Aunt! You're looking wonderful.
359
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,155
Look, come up and explain to these gentlemen,
will you?
360
00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:05,788
You're giving me some family silver
by way of working capital, hmm?
361
00:26:05,830 --> 00:26:08,196
Why have you got your hair done like that?
362
00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:11,225
You've put on weight as well.
Now, that's really silly.
363
00:26:11,269 --> 00:26:13,669
Can we discuss those criticisms later, Auntie?
364
00:26:13,705 --> 00:26:18,335
Erm... Gentlemen, it'll only take a minute.
Just hang about and discuss Christian virtues.
365
00:26:18,376 --> 00:26:21,470
Like truth and honor
and love of your fellow men and so forth.
366
00:26:21,513 --> 00:26:23,674
- Look, Auntie...
- Where's my room?
367
00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:27,549
- It's in the attic.
- Oh, I say, how romantic!
368
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,987
- Romantic? You haven't brought a lover?
- Don't be so silly.
369
00:26:31,022 --> 00:26:34,958
What are all the bags and luggage for?
370
00:26:34,993 --> 00:26:37,826
Are you sitting down, mentally, I mean?
She's moving in.
371
00:26:37,862 --> 00:26:39,887
- No.
- No move in, no silver.
372
00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:42,593
- It's in the bag.
- You are fired, both of you.
373
00:26:44,169 --> 00:26:48,071
Ah... Mr. Williams. The tables in the restaurant.
374
00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:51,439
Could you help us unload them into your van,
please? I'm sure one'll fit.
375
00:26:51,476 --> 00:26:54,912
Ah, no, sorry. Just letting off steam.
376
00:26:54,946 --> 00:26:58,746
- How was the regimental reunion?
- Ruined by coming back here!
377
00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:03,846
- I noticed Tinker wasn't there.
- Of course! He's a noncommissioned... thing!
378
00:27:03,888 --> 00:27:08,086
This isn't everything. My neighbor's
going to bring the rest up, when I ask him.
379
00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:10,321
- What shall I do with this, sir?
- You can...
380
00:27:10,362 --> 00:27:14,822
You look like a barman sort of chap.
Could I have a dry sherry, please?
381
00:27:14,866 --> 00:27:17,835
Of course you can have a dry sherry, Auntie.
382
00:27:17,869 --> 00:27:19,860
You can have a whole crate of dry sherry
383
00:27:19,904 --> 00:27:23,704
if you could just persuade Albert here
to use a little imagination.
384
00:27:23,742 --> 00:27:26,074
- How much do you owe them?
- No, I couldn't, Jane.
385
00:27:26,111 --> 00:27:30,639
- 300 for Albert, and 123 for Percy.
- Ten per cent off for an invite to the opening.
386
00:27:30,682 --> 00:27:33,116
- If you think I'm having...
- Done!
387
00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:37,554
- Auntie, could I just have a look at the silver?
- I think we'll put it in the safe, shall we?
388
00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:39,682
And then we can talk.
389
00:27:39,724 --> 00:27:41,715
Ah, thank you.
390
00:27:43,061 --> 00:27:48,761
I wonder if you might inform your business
partner he needn't look so pleased with himself?
391
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,600
There was a phone call
from someone called Eric earlier.
392
00:27:52,637 --> 00:27:55,367
Apparently, they've impounded Miriam.
393
00:27:55,407 --> 00:27:57,068
Oh, thank you, Jane.
394
00:28:18,863 --> 00:28:22,060
- Good morning!
- Oh!
395
00:28:28,139 --> 00:28:30,004
Why didn't you come last night, Lovejoy?
396
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:33,841
The forecast was for showers. I was hoping
you'd both get pneumonia and die.
397
00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:37,370
- Hold your horses, Lovejoy. Wait till you see...
- Bike! Now!
398
00:28:55,667 --> 00:28:57,658
Car.
399
00:29:21,893 --> 00:29:23,884
Lovejoy?
400
00:29:26,064 --> 00:29:28,055
- Lovejoy?
- What?
401
00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:30,926
Would you test me on my words?
402
00:29:32,804 --> 00:29:35,671
Linden and I are the cabaret
for the opening night.
403
00:29:41,045 --> 00:29:43,707
A couple of large gins and I'm word perfect.
404
00:29:43,748 --> 00:29:46,444
Well, there's your answer, then.
405
00:29:46,484 --> 00:29:48,315
Lovejoy, I'm sorry about the piano.
406
00:29:49,053 --> 00:29:52,682
I'm sure we can hire one, and I think
you're going to agree that it was worth...
407
00:29:52,724 --> 00:29:57,559
Crime And Punishment, eh? Why do you
call yourselves Crime And Punishment?
408
00:29:57,595 --> 00:30:00,257
It was a long time ago, Lovejoy.
409
00:30:01,199 --> 00:30:05,966
Some talk of a Lagonda, some like a smart M...
410
00:30:06,004 --> 00:30:08,996
I know why you call yourselves
Crime And Punishment.
411
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:13,636
Major Crime Linden
and Corporal Punishment... you!
412
00:30:13,678 --> 00:30:16,238
You were rank and file. You never were brass.
413
00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:19,409
- I never said I was.
- You never denied it all these years.
414
00:30:20,852 --> 00:30:24,117
All right, Lovejoy,
tell the world and make me look a prat.
415
00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:26,350
You don't need my help for that.
416
00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:35,295
I'd rather go as a humble British squaddie.
417
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:39,099
Oh, I don't know! She offers you an emperor
and you plump for Tommy Smith.
418
00:30:39,137 --> 00:30:44,200
Eric, you couldn't count the world wars we've
had, let alone tell us anything about them.
419
00:30:44,242 --> 00:30:46,233
(Humming)
420
00:30:46,277 --> 00:30:50,179
I am not going to a party
dressed up as an enemy of the British people.
421
00:30:51,816 --> 00:30:54,011
If you're so fond of the shmutter, you wear it.
422
00:30:54,052 --> 00:30:56,987
- I've not been invited, mate.
- No?
423
00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:59,387
But you are going, I trust?
424
00:30:59,424 --> 00:31:03,417
- I wouldn't go if you paid me.
- Ah! No sulking, young Eric.
425
00:31:03,461 --> 00:31:06,760
Listen, if I'm not good enough
to be invited in the first place, then...
426
00:31:06,798 --> 00:31:11,064
They invited the whole firm. Your exclusion
must have been a clerical error.
427
00:31:11,102 --> 00:31:13,366
They didn't know you worked for us.
428
00:31:13,404 --> 00:31:15,998
We fought against these people, too, you know.
429
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:18,201
We fought most people, Tinker.
430
00:31:18,243 --> 00:31:22,043
Well, in that case,
I shall either go naked or as a humble squaddie.
431
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:23,911
Take your pick.
432
00:31:23,948 --> 00:31:26,075
Oh, do come, Eric.
433
00:31:28,620 --> 00:31:32,522
- Besides, I'll need a lift.
- Especially if he's naked.
434
00:31:32,557 --> 00:31:37,392
And anyway, we do need somebody to make
sure no one peers under the tablecloths.
435
00:31:37,428 --> 00:31:40,989
- Who's the music, then?
- I am the music, dear boy.
436
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:44,634
- Well, that's not much of a choice.
- Pardon?
437
00:31:44,669 --> 00:31:49,834
You and that old piano? What a waste
of Linden's three hundred quid that was!
438
00:31:49,874 --> 00:31:52,138
One end of it was held up by a pile of books.
439
00:31:52,176 --> 00:31:55,475
- Old books, Eric.
- What's age got to do with it?
440
00:31:55,513 --> 00:31:58,482
You'd be surprised.
441
00:31:58,516 --> 00:32:01,610
No, Thanks very much,
but I think I'll give it a miss.
442
00:32:01,653 --> 00:32:04,121
You can't say we didn't try.
443
00:32:04,155 --> 00:32:07,215
- Do you mind?
- Sorry.
444
00:32:13,564 --> 00:32:18,001
♪ This is the army, Mr. Jones
445
00:32:18,036 --> 00:32:22,268
♪ No private rooms or telephones
446
00:32:22,307 --> 00:32:26,175
♪ You had your breakfast in bed before
447
00:32:26,210 --> 00:32:29,611
♪ But you won't get it there anymore ♪
448
00:32:34,252 --> 00:32:37,949
No, seriously, Jane,
the scallop has a really interesting sex life.
449
00:32:37,989 --> 00:32:40,583
Oh, yes? Dated a few scallops in your time,
have you?
450
00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:44,117
- They do it from a distance.
- A lot to be said for it, has that.
451
00:32:44,162 --> 00:32:46,722
Finally got it out of her. Like drawing teeth.
452
00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:52,362
- Oh, Andrea, my darling!
- Sorry we're late, old man.
453
00:32:52,403 --> 00:32:54,530
- How was the holiday?
- Oh, don't ask!
454
00:32:54,572 --> 00:32:59,134
Lovejoy! Those people... Dashwood House.
455
00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:01,645
- And when we got back...
...we'd been burgled.
456
00:33:01,679 --> 00:33:04,239
(Whispers) Percy, who's that?
457
00:33:04,282 --> 00:33:07,877
Linden's stockbroker.
Not that he's got a lot of stock to broke.
458
00:33:16,361 --> 00:33:20,229
Lovejoy and the redhead,
they're not married, you know.
459
00:33:20,264 --> 00:33:22,789
- No, that's right.
- Oh, you knew, then?
460
00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:24,961
About them living together.
461
00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:29,098
- Did they take anything serious?
- All my best furniture.
462
00:33:29,140 --> 00:33:32,803
- The tables and chairs. Didn't touch the safe.
- No, or my jewels.
463
00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:35,438
- Thank God for that.
- Have a word with Dennis.
464
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:37,675
Detective Inspector Dennis Hardwick.
465
00:33:38,483 --> 00:33:40,041
Can't you put a bomb up someone?
466
00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:42,985
- Go and have some dinner.
- Ah, actually, I've just eaten.
467
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:47,185
- Well, go and eat some more.
- Your station sent round a 12-year-old.
468
00:33:50,728 --> 00:33:54,459
Lovejoy, say hello to your favorite silversmith.
469
00:33:54,499 --> 00:33:56,490
Hello, Justin.
470
00:33:56,534 --> 00:34:01,699
- Justin's very interested in the silver.
- He probably smelled it as he came in.
471
00:34:01,739 --> 00:34:06,142
Is it everything it's cracked up to be?
I might have a buyer or two up my sleeve.
472
00:34:06,177 --> 00:34:09,078
- Have a look at it, Justin.
- Ooh!
473
00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:14,212
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,
can I have...
474
00:34:14,252 --> 00:34:16,812
I'm on, Lovejoy. I'm going to sing.
475
00:34:16,854 --> 00:34:20,654
To aid your digestion, we have a cabaret item.
476
00:34:20,691 --> 00:34:26,493
- Our performers have really researched...
- Get on with it, Bruce!
477
00:34:26,531 --> 00:34:28,590
I mean, can you believe three tables?
478
00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:32,569
One of them was this sort of size.
You don't put that on a roof rack, you know!
479
00:34:32,603 --> 00:34:35,094
At least they didn't smear the walls
with you know what.
480
00:34:35,139 --> 00:34:37,130
They even took a suit of armor.
481
00:34:39,110 --> 00:34:44,446
So, please put your hands together
for Crime And Punishment!
482
00:34:49,821 --> 00:34:53,188
♪ Some talk of a Lagonda
483
00:34:53,224 --> 00:34:56,660
♪ Some likes a smart MG
484
00:34:56,694 --> 00:35:00,926
♪ For a bonny army lorry
485
00:35:00,965 --> 00:35:05,026
♪ They'd lay them doon and dee
486
00:35:05,069 --> 00:35:08,232
♪ Such means of locomotion
487
00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:12,038
♪ Seem rather dull to us
488
00:35:12,076 --> 00:35:13,634
♪ A driver
489
00:35:13,678 --> 00:35:15,475
♪ And conductor
490
00:35:15,513 --> 00:35:19,574
♪ Of a London omnibus
491
00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:23,485
♪ Hold very tight, please. Ting-ting!
Hold very tight, please. Ting-ting!
492
00:35:23,521 --> 00:35:26,957
♪ When you are lost in London
and you don't know where you are... ♪
493
00:35:26,991 --> 00:35:28,982
- Where's my husband?
- I'm down here.
494
00:35:29,026 --> 00:35:32,291
- Oh, Geoffrey!
- This is our table.
495
00:35:32,330 --> 00:35:34,958
That's the leg that Rex chewed.
496
00:35:34,999 --> 00:35:40,096
♪ On a London Transport
diesel engined, 97 horsepower omnibus
497
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:46,137
♪ Along the Queen's great highway
I drive my merry load
498
00:35:46,177 --> 00:35:50,079
♪ At 20 miles an hour in the middle of the road
499
00:35:50,114 --> 00:35:52,344
♪ We likes to drive in convoys
500
00:35:52,383 --> 00:35:54,681
♪ We're most gregarious
501
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:56,584
♪ In a big six-wheeled
♪ Scarlet painted
502
00:35:56,621 --> 00:35:58,816
♪ London Transport
♪ Diesel engined
503
00:35:58,856 --> 00:36:00,847
♪ 97 horsepower omnibus
504
00:36:00,892 --> 00:36:05,124
- ♪ Earth has not anything... ♪
- We've been rumbled.
505
00:36:05,163 --> 00:36:09,031
- ♪ Mind the stairs! Mind the stairs! ♪
- Stop all this at once!
506
00:36:09,066 --> 00:36:12,331
- Linden, where did you get this stuff from?
- I don't know. Can't it wait?
507
00:36:12,370 --> 00:36:15,237
No, it can't.
Those tables through there are mine.
508
00:36:15,273 --> 00:36:17,104
- (Andrea) Ours.
- Ours.
509
00:36:17,141 --> 00:36:22,044
- Well, where did you get them from?
- Where did we get them from? Lovejoy?
510
00:36:22,079 --> 00:36:24,445
Who the hell's Lovejoy?
511
00:36:31,889 --> 00:36:33,880
(Snoring)
512
00:36:37,495 --> 00:36:39,486
Lovejoy?
513
00:36:45,970 --> 00:36:48,063
Lovejoy!
514
00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:50,369
Oh, go away, Dennis.
515
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,774
What are you trying to do to me, Lovejoy?
516
00:36:55,813 --> 00:36:57,781
I am one of the few people
my side of the fence
517
00:36:57,815 --> 00:37:00,682
who reckons you're not as bent
as a nine bob note.
518
00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:03,710
So what's with the paw prints
all over Dashwood House?
519
00:37:03,754 --> 00:37:09,021
Oh, why would I leave paws
all over a house that I was robbing?
520
00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:12,052
We have had a string of burglaries lately,
Lovejoy.
521
00:37:12,096 --> 00:37:15,463
My guv'nor's going to want blood soon.
Yours'll do.
522
00:37:15,499 --> 00:37:18,127
Give me a week, Dennis.
523
00:37:18,169 --> 00:37:23,573
Give me a week and I'll hand you the people
that did Dashwood House on a plate.
524
00:37:23,608 --> 00:37:27,704
- Explain.
- I explain better with my trousers on.
525
00:37:31,482 --> 00:37:33,473
Not what I've heard.
526
00:37:35,953 --> 00:37:38,319
BBC Essex. News update...
527
00:37:38,356 --> 00:37:42,087
We had a telex from the neighboring force
yesterday.
528
00:37:42,126 --> 00:37:44,117
Subject: Your car.
529
00:37:45,263 --> 00:37:47,424
I can't keep bailing you out.
530
00:37:47,465 --> 00:37:49,456
I'll see to it this week, I promise.
531
00:37:50,701 --> 00:37:53,499
You're going to have a very busy week,
aren't you?
532
00:37:54,538 --> 00:37:58,304
"George Palmer, house clearance."
Not even subtle, is it?
533
00:37:58,342 --> 00:38:03,279
Well, this George might not be anything special,
but Angela Moxon, she's very credible.
534
00:38:03,314 --> 00:38:08,377
Right, I'll run the phone number
through the mangle.
535
00:38:08,419 --> 00:38:10,614
I thought it was a bit of kosher business.
536
00:38:10,655 --> 00:38:13,783
I mean, if you can't trust a screw,
who can you trust?
537
00:38:13,824 --> 00:38:18,386
Get off! You just saw a chance
to get into Her Ladyship's drawers at last.
538
00:38:18,429 --> 00:38:20,488
Blinded you to the danger.
539
00:38:20,531 --> 00:38:22,795
Crumpet'll be the death of you, Lovejoy.
540
00:38:25,870 --> 00:38:28,464
My car phone. You got one week.
541
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:38,012
Will you turn that off?
542
00:38:38,049 --> 00:38:41,041
- Morning.
- What's this all about, Lovejoy?
543
00:38:41,085 --> 00:38:44,987
These. You reckon they're worth
about fifty grand, right?
544
00:38:45,022 --> 00:38:48,514
Only because you told us so,
and as we all know, you are the expert.
545
00:38:48,559 --> 00:38:52,552
They were brought over from Ireland
in the '20s. Right, May?
546
00:38:52,596 --> 00:38:54,154
Yes.
547
00:38:54,198 --> 00:38:58,635
Well, I think somebody scratched off
de Pomeroy's signature
548
00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:00,603
and screwed around with the hallmark,
549
00:39:00,638 --> 00:39:06,201
because as an antique they were taxable,
but as silver gilt they weren't. Am I right, May?
550
00:39:06,243 --> 00:39:09,610
Yes. That's why Daddy didn't spend them.
551
00:39:09,647 --> 00:39:12,741
By the time he got round to it,
they weren't worth much.
552
00:39:12,783 --> 00:39:17,049
And knowing that,
you still decided to move in with me.
553
00:39:17,088 --> 00:39:21,286
Yes. I was lonely, you see.
554
00:39:21,926 --> 00:39:25,453
- Well, how much are they worth?
- About three grand, top whack.
555
00:39:26,997 --> 00:39:32,060
But they can be restored to their former glory
with a little delicate engraving.
556
00:39:32,870 --> 00:39:34,531
- Ten per cent.
- Three.
557
00:39:34,572 --> 00:39:36,164
- Five?
- Top man!
558
00:39:36,207 --> 00:39:39,802
- Done.
- Excuse me, Major, there's a call for Lovejoy.
559
00:39:39,844 --> 00:39:42,278
Would you thank Brucey for that information,
Linden?
560
00:39:42,313 --> 00:39:45,180
Lovejoy says thank you
for the information, Bruce.
561
00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:47,844
I suppose you'll want me to pack my bags.
562
00:39:47,885 --> 00:39:50,945
Strangely enough, Auntie,
that was my first thought.
563
00:39:50,988 --> 00:39:53,320
Oh, Major Linden!
564
00:39:53,357 --> 00:39:56,053
Oh, Linden, she is your flesh and blood.
565
00:39:56,093 --> 00:39:58,561
Oh, it's all right, Mrs. Lovejoy.
566
00:39:58,596 --> 00:40:03,158
But I was looking forward to haute cuisine
in my declining years,
567
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,691
and people buying me drinks at the bar.
568
00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:09,263
My second was that you should wash up.
569
00:40:10,274 --> 00:40:12,139
A lot!
570
00:40:12,176 --> 00:40:14,804
I will do many things for you, Linden,
571
00:40:14,845 --> 00:40:17,507
but I will not wash up!
572
00:40:17,548 --> 00:40:19,709
- Bravo!
- What do you mean, "Bravo"?
573
00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:22,446
Thank you, Dennis.
574
00:40:22,486 --> 00:40:24,886
George Palmer's head office.
575
00:40:42,873 --> 00:40:44,864
Cheers, mate. That's great. Ta.
576
00:40:44,909 --> 00:40:46,900
George!
577
00:40:47,745 --> 00:40:50,908
I've been trying to get hold of you
for days, mate.
578
00:40:51,849 --> 00:40:54,215
Lovejoy.
579
00:40:54,251 --> 00:40:56,583
Of course, you've, uh... You met Angie.
580
00:41:00,650 --> 00:41:02,641
Hello, Angie.
581
00:41:03,619 --> 00:41:06,850
I made a bit of a fool of myself
last time we met, didn't I?
582
00:41:06,889 --> 00:41:09,551
No problem. What do you want, Lovejoy?
583
00:41:09,592 --> 00:41:13,221
Want? What do I want? More of the same.
584
00:41:14,931 --> 00:41:19,391
I know you took me for three grand last time,
but I made that back from the client, and more.
585
00:41:19,435 --> 00:41:21,630
Yeah, we thought you would. Didn't we, Angie?
586
00:41:21,671 --> 00:41:26,301
I don't blame you, wanting to keep the scam
to yourself. Very nice, Angie. Very nice, George.
587
00:41:26,342 --> 00:41:29,140
Find out who's on holiday,
break in at your leisure.
588
00:41:29,178 --> 00:41:31,203
Well, you see, what it is...
589
00:41:31,247 --> 00:41:34,478
- Angie's got a sister what works in the travel...
- George!
590
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:41,079
- So, you're not so squeaky clean after all.
- George had me figured all along, Angie.
591
00:41:41,123 --> 00:41:43,023
What did I tell you, Ange?
592
00:41:43,826 --> 00:41:47,125
I can see you're the one
I talk business to, Angie.
593
00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:51,990
See what you think of this.
594
00:42:08,851 --> 00:42:11,479
No, no...
595
00:42:11,521 --> 00:42:13,512
No, thanks.
596
00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:30,495
Excellent work.
597
00:42:30,540 --> 00:42:32,735
Well done, Mr. Um?
598
00:42:32,775 --> 00:42:35,437
Thank you, sir. When's the auction?
599
00:42:35,478 --> 00:42:37,742
Tomorrow.
600
00:42:37,780 --> 00:42:40,908
By the way, Lovejoy doesn't want us there.
601
00:42:40,950 --> 00:42:43,077
Low profile and so forth.
602
00:42:43,119 --> 00:42:46,987
Well, I wasn't thinking of
the Normandy landings. Just you and me.
603
00:42:47,023 --> 00:42:49,014
Besides, you need a new piano.
604
00:42:49,058 --> 00:42:53,961
- On top of which, you have something to sell.
- Really?
605
00:42:53,996 --> 00:42:57,193
They didn't call you Lucky Linden for nothing,
old bean.
606
00:43:00,636 --> 00:43:02,627
Go on, then. Go on.
607
00:43:03,472 --> 00:43:07,408
- 1749.
- How can you be so precise?
608
00:43:07,443 --> 00:43:12,142
Oh, we have our ways. One of them being
it's carved on it, just there.
609
00:43:14,350 --> 00:43:16,580
Linden and his problems got in the way.
610
00:43:16,619 --> 00:43:18,951
- What of?
- That lunch we planned.
611
00:43:18,988 --> 00:43:21,513
- Oh.
- How about tomorrow, before the auction?
612
00:43:21,557 --> 00:43:23,548
OK.
613
00:43:29,665 --> 00:43:32,099
Why did you visit me inside?
614
00:43:32,134 --> 00:43:35,001
Oh, perhaps it's the one place
I felt safe with you.
615
00:43:35,972 --> 00:43:39,373
Apart from which, I knew you were innocent.
We both did.
616
00:43:39,408 --> 00:43:42,070
- Your old man as well?
- Mm-hm.
617
00:43:42,111 --> 00:43:44,443
Just got to make a phone call, Janey.
618
00:43:46,682 --> 00:43:48,673
(Phone rings)
619
00:43:54,290 --> 00:43:56,281
- Hello.
- Hello, Dennis.
620
00:43:57,560 --> 00:43:59,187
Done anything about your car yet?
621
00:43:59,228 --> 00:44:04,222
I thought you'd like to know that George Palmer
and young Angie are doing a place right now.
622
00:44:04,266 --> 00:44:06,257
Where?
623
00:44:15,311 --> 00:44:18,212
- What do you reckon?
- Reserve of 40,000.
624
00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:21,845
- Agreed.
- May I?
625
00:44:22,718 --> 00:44:25,448
There are a lot of likely buyers out there.
626
00:44:25,488 --> 00:44:28,150
A big dealer from London was in earlier.
Said he knew you.
627
00:44:28,190 --> 00:44:30,715
- Who?
- Parrish. James Parrish.
628
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:33,593
- Lovejoy!
- Excuse me.
629
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:35,620
Lovejoy!
630
00:44:44,573 --> 00:44:47,508
I told you two not to make a meal of it.
631
00:44:47,543 --> 00:44:49,534
You'll be glad we did turn up.
632
00:44:49,578 --> 00:44:51,739
Just don't clap when the silver goes down, OK?
633
00:44:51,781 --> 00:44:54,477
Patience, Lovejoy.
634
00:44:54,517 --> 00:44:57,384
Tinker, who's the blue suit with the red tie?
635
00:44:58,254 --> 00:45:01,189
He's a big London dealer. James Parrish.
636
00:45:01,223 --> 00:45:03,851
Specializes in silver.
637
00:45:08,964 --> 00:45:11,262
- Ting-ting!
- Ha ha ha ha!
638
00:45:34,857 --> 00:45:38,816
Lovejoy, Chas Bullivant wants to see you
up in his office.
639
00:45:38,861 --> 00:45:41,091
- What about?
- He wouldn't say.
640
00:45:41,130 --> 00:45:45,089
But if it's bad news, remember,
you have friends about you.
641
00:45:45,134 --> 00:45:47,329
Yeah, I know, but why are they all skint?
642
00:45:49,638 --> 00:45:52,937
- It looks good, it smells good, but it's rubbish.
- Hang on, Chas.
643
00:45:52,975 --> 00:45:56,001
- The gear may be authentic, the hallmark isn't.
- Of course it is.
644
00:45:56,045 --> 00:46:00,812
Knowing your past reputation, I had Jim Parrish
give it a thorough going over. 1765, agreed?
645
00:46:00,850 --> 00:46:03,011
- So?
- That makes him a very clever man.
646
00:46:03,052 --> 00:46:06,249
- He'd been dead for two years.
- Sh! Chas!
647
00:46:06,288 --> 00:46:10,486
Chas! Chas, the stuff belongs
to a Linden Walker.
648
00:46:10,526 --> 00:46:13,393
Now, a more honest chap
you couldn't wish to meet.
649
00:46:13,429 --> 00:46:16,762
Major Walker, who wouldn't be seen dead
with you because he's a gentleman,
650
00:46:16,799 --> 00:46:19,199
isn't here selling silver.
651
00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:21,601
He's selling a book.
652
00:46:21,637 --> 00:46:23,935
A book?
653
00:46:40,923 --> 00:46:43,756
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
654
00:46:44,994 --> 00:46:47,554
- Nice day for it.
- What?
655
00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:49,996
Well, screwing the aristocracy.
656
00:46:51,801 --> 00:46:53,996
Oh, my name's Hardwick, by the way.
657
00:46:55,404 --> 00:46:57,998
But you can call me Bill.
658
00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:00,372
Lovejoy!
659
00:47:00,409 --> 00:47:02,274
Never heard of him.
660
00:47:03,679 --> 00:47:08,116
600? Are you all done at £600? Once, twice...
661
00:47:09,251 --> 00:47:14,314
A Kirkwood baby grand, sold to Major Walker.
Thank you very much.
662
00:47:14,356 --> 00:47:18,383
We turn now to an item which is not
in your catalogs, ladies and gentlemen,
663
00:47:18,427 --> 00:47:21,157
but which has attracted considerable interest.
664
00:47:21,197 --> 00:47:26,692
It's a very fine copy of the second
collected edition of Chaucer's works,
665
00:47:26,735 --> 00:47:30,694
edited by William Thynne, printed in 1532.
666
00:47:31,407 --> 00:47:34,240
May I start you off at £10,000?
667
00:47:34,844 --> 00:47:36,835
Thank you very much, madam.
668
00:47:36,879 --> 00:47:38,676
15,000, thank you, sir.
669
00:47:38,714 --> 00:47:42,377
£20,000. 25,000.
670
00:47:42,418 --> 00:47:45,046
30,000. £35,000
671
00:47:45,087 --> 00:47:46,520
40,000.
672
00:47:46,555 --> 00:47:49,490
£45,000. £50,000.
673
00:47:49,525 --> 00:47:52,153
Any advance on £50,000?
674
00:47:52,194 --> 00:47:54,924
- (Bullivant) £60,000.
- (Hammer strikes)
675
00:47:54,964 --> 00:47:58,127
Yes, but he doesn't look
an honest man though, does he?
676
00:47:58,167 --> 00:48:00,158
Tinker? What makes you say that?
677
00:48:00,202 --> 00:48:05,003
I have known a few soldiers in my time.
Most of them ran wild back in Civvy Street.
678
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:08,237
Tink, wild? We're talking about
an officer and a gentleman.
679
00:48:08,277 --> 00:48:11,041
Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle?
680
00:48:13,649 --> 00:48:17,483
Maybe not much of a gentleman anymore,
but certainly an officer.
681
00:48:17,519 --> 00:48:20,511
Khaki being thicker than water,
he gave Linden the book.
682
00:48:20,556 --> 00:48:24,219
Not a bad return on capital, eh?
Three hundred makes sixty grand!
683
00:48:24,260 --> 00:48:26,785
Well, it's nice to be paid for our work at last.
684
00:48:26,829 --> 00:48:29,696
He even gave us the three thousand
George Palmer took.
685
00:48:29,732 --> 00:48:34,226
Oh, I'd forgotten about George. How goes
the case against he and his lady friend?
686
00:48:34,270 --> 00:48:39,139
Didn't I tell you? Hardwick caught them
red-handed, turning over a big house near here.
687
00:48:41,610 --> 00:48:45,410
Come on, Bruce. Show a little bit of initiative,
for goodness' sake.
688
00:48:47,182 --> 00:48:49,173
Aunt May.
689
00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:53,321
Couldn't bear to sell them.
Couldn't let them out of the family.
690
00:48:53,355 --> 00:48:57,451
Let's keep them for very special occasions.
What do you say?
691
00:48:58,594 --> 00:49:01,392
I'm still not washing up for my keep.
692
00:49:01,430 --> 00:49:03,261
I'd rather go back to Windsor,
693
00:49:03,299 --> 00:49:07,292
to loneliness and the danger of being attacked.
694
00:49:08,270 --> 00:49:13,765
- Or having a fall.
- Aunt May, on the domestic front I surrender.
695
00:49:13,809 --> 00:49:19,975
However, I would like to discuss some of your...
other talents.
696
00:49:23,252 --> 00:49:25,152
♪ Behind that monarch of the road
697
00:49:25,187 --> 00:49:27,178
♪ Observer of the Highway Code
698
00:49:27,222 --> 00:49:29,417
♪ That big six wheeler, scarlet painted
699
00:49:29,458 --> 00:49:31,289
♪ London Transport, diesel engined
700
00:49:31,327 --> 00:49:33,420
♪ 97 horsepower
701
00:49:33,462 --> 00:49:35,225
♪ 97 horsepower omnibus
702
00:49:35,264 --> 00:49:37,357
♪ Hold very tight, please ♪
703
00:49:37,399 --> 00:49:40,891
- Lovejoy! Who's he?
- Some kid collecting car numbers.
704
00:49:40,936 --> 00:49:42,927
Who's playing the piano?
705
00:49:45,407 --> 00:49:47,398
Oh.
706
00:49:49,311 --> 00:49:52,041
Not finished yet, Auntie.
Now, any more requests?
707
00:49:52,081 --> 00:49:57,383
Yes. What about that tune that introduces
the snooker on BBC2. Scott Joplin, isn't it?
708
00:49:57,953 --> 00:50:00,285
(Plays The Entertainer)
709
00:50:02,925 --> 00:50:06,725
- Excellent choice, if I may say so, sir.
- Thank you, Bruce.
710
00:50:07,663 --> 00:50:10,757
- Excuse me.
- Hello, Justin.
711
00:50:10,799 --> 00:50:13,962
- Oh, hello, Lovejoy.
- I'd like a word with you.
712
00:50:14,003 --> 00:50:17,131
By the way, Lovejoy,
did Hardwick mention which house?
713
00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:20,104
- Sorry?
- That George and Angela burgled?
714
00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:22,610
Oh, he didn't have to. I already knew.
715
00:50:22,660 --> 00:50:27,210
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