Original subtitles

_

That is not a Band-Aid. That is sushi.

Sushi. (GIGGLES) Okay.

Hey, there she is!

- Happy birthday. - (JEN GROANS)

You excited for the big day?

Uh, not really. No.

I'm 35, so that is legitimately old.

I mean, I'm older than most mortgages.

But I still have high interest, and I'm not fixed yet.

Oh. Yeah, the fact that we're making mortgage jokes

isn't helping me feel younger.

But I know what will.

- Huh? - This.

- Aw. - It's one of my best yet.

Picture of Clementine?

Yeah. Happy birthday.

Thank you. Yeah, I definitely don't already have one.

I got you Clementine as a nanny.

'Cause I know

how exhausting it is being a working mother.

So, I got you a little extra help.

- Clementine? - Yeah.

Well, really? Are you sure she's-she's qualified?

And also, should we be hiring family?

Is she even family at all?

I mean, I have so many questions,

which are really all fake questions

masking my one actual question,

Which is: why in the holy hell would I ever hire a hot nanny?

- What? - Hmm?

I mean, o-okay, yeah, sure,

if you think about it, she's okay-looking, I suppose, but...

Come on.

I mean, Tyler wouldn't have married her

if there wasn't a whole lot more to her.

When you first met her,

you told Tyler he needed to "lock that bod down."

Because I knew she'd be good with kids.

Oh, honey, you sure you don't want to go down the slide?

I'm scared.

Oh. Wait, no, you don't have to be scared of the slide.

Because it's actually a rainbow.

Do you want to ride the rainbow like a unicorn?

Oh, yay, I want to be a unicorn.

Yeah?

Okay, go ride.

Whoa. Riding the rainbow.

- I love that. - Yeah.

It's street talk for doing whippets

with a belt tied around your neck.

But it's also good for getting kids on slides.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh. Sure. - Yeah.

- Lark, are you ready? - JEN: Here we go.

Come on. Come to us.

JEN AND CLEMENTINE: Yay.

Let's do it again.

Yeah, sure, go again.

(CLEMENTINE LAUGHS)

Oh.

I have always loved kids.

Nah, not me. I had prepartum syndrome.

That's where all babies make you depressed

until you have your own.

I mean, you can't be depressed now.

You've got the most adorable daughter,

a great marriage, and you're a freakin' lawyer?

How did you do all that by the time you're 35?

Oh. (LAUGHS) I don't know.

Work hard, take chances, keep it tight.

No, you are so stylish you could be on the cover of a magazine.

- Oh, no, come on. (LAUGHING) - Yeah.

I mean, maybe online, but no. (LAUGHING)

- I love Clementine. - Mm-hmm?

Yeah. Not as much as she loves me,

which is why I love her. And you.

See? I told you she was a good idea.

- Yeah. - Man, I can't wait to see

who you're gonna get me for my birthday.

(WHISPERS): James Earl Jones.

You know, turning 35 wasn't so bad after all.

I was just being so silly before.

Like, I have so many things to celebrate.

You really do. Hey, you know,

we should bring Clementine to your birthday dinner.

That way, when Lark has a meltdown,

we don't have to argue about who takes care of her.

Well, it's my birthday, so it would obviously be you.

Then let's bring Clem.

A grand celebration

for a grand mom.

- Aw. - And that, Lark,

is how you do a toast.

Oh, no, I'm not drinking 'cause I've got the little one.

Okay.

I'm bored. I want to go home.

Well, sorry, kiddo, but I've sat through

all your friends' birthdays,

so you're gonna have to sit through mine.

- Are you done? - Uh, yes?

So this must be Grandma.

I'm sorry, what? What-what did you say?

You must be the grandma because she say she's the mom.

No, I didn't.

You think... you think that I look like, uh, like her grandma?

No, no, no, honey.

I'm-I'm-I'm sure this is just a little misunderstanding.

No, because I ask you, "Are you mom?"

You say "yes," and push the plate.

Oh, no, no, I thought you said, "Are you done?"

I hear your toast.

You say a grand bottle

for a grand mom, and she plays with child,

no drink champagne for obvious breastfeeds.

I'm sorry.

Okay, y-you don't look...

Please, please, please, please do not get upset, all right?

Let's just pretend that didn't happen, all right?

You are young. You are beautiful.

You-you look like Lark's sister if-if anything, right?

Her-her-her younger, much more attractive sister.

Okay? So just, uh...

Okay. You know what, let's just go back to having the meal.

- Yup. - Okay. Yeah.

- Yeah. - No, you're right.

'Cause I don't want to make,

- you know, make a scene or anything. - Yeah.

Yeah, big girls don't cry.

- That's right. - Yeah.

Big girls don't cry.

No.

(CRYING): But old ones do.

No.

Honey.

No, no, no, no, no.

(CRYING): Oh, my God.

Well, rocky start aside,

I think this is a pretty great birthday, huh?

Uh-huh, getting through it.

Oh, uh, you know what always makes everything better? Cake!

Yay! Cake!

Dessert is on the house. Happy birthday.

All right, honey.

Make a wish.

Just leave me here to die.

If you tell us, honey, it won't come true.

(SPUTTERS)

Oh. (GRUNTS)

Uh-oh.

Can I get a cake to go, please?

_

Come on, Sophia, get it in gear.

School starts in ten minutes,

and that crossing guard has been a moody bitch

ever since she got hit by that car.

It's kind of weird that you call our car "that car."

- Morning, bro. - Morning.

Mom, can you make lattes?

My friend slept over last night

and is asking for one.

I can't, honey. We're running late.

Also, we're out of whipped cream.

Don't ask why.

Oh.

ALEX: Oh, hi.

You must be Tyler's mom.

You should be so proud of your son.

He is a very hard worker.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Sophia?

Ms. Morandi?

How do you two know each other?

I'm Sophia's science teacher.

Oh!

Isn't that nice?

You're experimenting with both of my children.

- What a coincidence. (LAUGHS) - Right?

- (LAUGHS) - So cool.

- So cool. - So, so cool.

Just, yeah, really...

really cool.

Well, I wasn't expecting to see a student this morning.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

So I'm just gonna go back across the street

- and look for my sweater, shoes - Yeah.

And whatever's left of my dignity.

- Oh. - I think it's behind the couch.

Your sweater. Not your dignity.

Wow. I mean, I'm flattered that you have mother issues.

What is going on?

It's just a fling.

It's not a big deal.

I'm giving Alex a ride,

so if you want, I can drop off Sophia, too.

I'll be ready in five.

I just need to go mentally prepare

for the worst day of my life.

I saw you getting out of the same car as Ms. Morandi.

Are you gonna marry her?

Stay out of my business, Corbin.

Okay, now it's time to feed Skullcrusher.

KIDS: Yay!

That's me. It's my turn.

Actually, I think it's Sophia's turn.

But I'm at the top of the list.

It was your turn yesterday.

That was Sunday.

It's not my fault you didn't come in.

Wha...

Hey, Corbin.

(WHISPERS): Remember this.

(YELLING)

Mom said to sign it!

No, I'm supposed to sign this

after you finish coloring in the squares.

Sign it or I'm gonna bite you!

Thank you.

I've decided I'm gonna bite you anyway,

but I'm not gonna tell you when.

TIM: All right. Hey, gentlemen.

There's an old man named John in the other room

who makes funny noises when you poke him.

Why don't you go check it out, huh?

Hey, if he doesn't make any noises,

you come get us quick.

HEATHER: Hi.

- What you doing? - Homework.

- This was supposed to be a fling. - Yeah, it is.

Flings are supposed to be fun.

What's fun about having three kids?

- Nothing. - Exactly.

This... you're in the middle of a full-blown relationship, man.

- You need to wake up and break up. - Yep.

I know. She... thinks there's a lot more to this than I do.

Or because your house is on wheels,

you could drive it around the corner and hide from her.

Where you going, Red?

I've got a box of cupcakes

here with your name on 'em.

- Cupcakes? - Yep.

From Alex.

She said she knows

how much you love frosting,

but she said it in a way

that leaves me with more questions than answers.

Actually, Alex won't be around here much longer.

You sound like you're gonna kill her.

Worse.

I'm gonna break up with her.

What?

But this is my first taste of real power.

Sorry, kiddo.

I had my first taste

of parenthood, and now I understand

why Mom drinks and why Dad lost his hair.

Don't break up with her.

At least not until summer.

I wish there was something else I could do.

- Ow! - (GROWLS)

He bit me!

- Who the heck is that?! - (GROANS)

Hi, Ms. Morandi.

I'm ready to feed Skullcrusher.

I love how we name all of our hedgehogs after

how the previous hedgehog died.

I miss Bus Tire.

Corbin.

Looks like it's your turn today.

Sophia didn't do it right.

What did I do wrong?

Sometimes we don't know what we did wrong.

Other people just reject us.

Then try and roll their home behind a bush.

Well, just because you and my brother split

doesn't mean you have to throw away what we have.

You meant nothing to me, Sophia. You were just a fling.

Doesn't feel so good, does it?

It's my turn now.

This is not over.

Mm. Ooh, $75 for flowers.

Tim, did you buy me flowers with my credit card?

Yes.

No.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, hello.

Alex, what are you doing here?

Thanking you for the flowers.

Wait, flowers?

And for the drawing of a rainbow.

And I circled "Y."

I do want to kiss you.

Okay, I think there's been a little bit

of a misunderstanding.

SOPHIA: Together at last.

I can't wait to spend the entire weekend with you, Pool Filter.

_

Look at yourselves.

Huh. Pretty nice family.

Men I can count on.

Thanks for the reminder, Dad.

Yeah, you're all pathetic.

Oh, okay.

Well, the girls are gone for the weekend,

and you're just sitting here staring at your phones.

When was the last time we did something

that we could look back on and say,

"Hey, remember that thing we did?"

You mean like that thing we did last weekend?

Uh, I don't remember last weekend.

But today we're gonna do something we won't forget.

Anybody ever heard of those escape rooms?

Yeah, I've done every single one in town.

Me and my crew.

Your crew?

Yeah.

It's just whoever they pair me up with.

Last time, it was a bunch of women

who met 'cause their sons were lovers in college.

Well, I guarantee

you haven't been to this one

because this one is here.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

Ow.

Gentlemen.

Good evening.

Colonel Richard York

at your service.

All aboard

the Siberian Express,

where a fantastical adventure awaits you.

Look at this. They've been decorating all day.

I-I don't even recognize my own bedroom.

And look at those velvety drapes.

I mean, this is like a train.

Oh, hey. Good one, Dad.

- A keen eye is an observant eye. - Whoa.

Hey, how'd you get that cane to stand up like that?

Oh, you just stab that into the floor, huh?

Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut. The year...

1933.

But you wouldn't know that,

for there are no clocks in this room.

- Well, how does a clock tell you what year it is? - (SCOFFS)

Ah! Well done.

You've discovered the first clue.

You should be the lead investigator.

Me? What-what do I get? Like, a pipe or something?

No, no, no, i-if there's a pipe, I get it.

I'm... I paid the $600 for this.

Hold on. Shouldn't the lead investigator

be someone who has escaped from a World War II submarine

and an Old West mine shaft?

And a relative's house during a party

when I left something in the bathroom I couldn't flush.

That was you?

Now...

this room is filled with clues...

Clues you will need

to escape from this locked train cabin

before the train veers off the tracks in 60 minutes.

Simply lock this combination lock,

and your time begins.

That's another clue.

It's not.

- I got it. - All right, let's tear this place apart.

Dad, wasn't that your mirror?

Oh.

Ooh. Hey, you guys cool if I solve this puzzle

just by peeling off all the stickers?

(SHUDDERS)

I don't want to play anymore. I don't want to play anymore.

What? Why not?

Because that's Mom and Dad's underwear drawer,

and it is not of the everyday variety.

That's not part of the game.

I mean, it is part

of a game, but not this game.

(CHUCKLES)

You know what?

We've overlooked the most obvious clue in the room:

the cane!

- Ew. Why is it sticky? - Ew.

JOHN: Come on.

Quit horsing around and look for clues.

We looked. All we found were... string underwear.

For men.

All I wanted was to have some memories with my sons, huh?

And Tim, because he happened to be in the room when I came in.

But forget it.

Hey, uh, you can let us out.

GREG: What? Hey, Dad, did you, uh,

send your bed out to be reupholstered?

No, they had to move it out to make room

for these tables full of clues.

GREG: Yeah, well, some guys are putting it on the trucks now,

along with all of your other furniture.

We're getting robbed.

Where did you find this guy?

I-In the parking lot of another escape room place.

H-He said he'd beat their price,

and honestly he came real close.

You promised Mom that you were gonna stop

talking to people in parking lots.

Hey, relax. We'll just call the police.

He took our phones.

Okay, fine, then we'll go out the window.

Wait, no, hey, wait! We're on the second floor.

- How we gonna get down? - Well, I don't know.

We can tie together your weird outfits from the drawer.

Not a good idea.

Th-They're meant to tear away.

- Ugh. - Oh, God.

Hey, I think that's the lock from my gun safe.

- What? - Damn it, he's-he's got my guns!

What's the combination?

Try, uh, seven.

I need four digits.

Try, uh, zero... double-"O" seven.

Like James Bond?

No. Like the number seven.

Ah! Missed it. Got to go around the horn again.

- Ah! - (ALL CHEER)

- Come on. - Yeah. Wait. No.

You go first, Tim. You earned it.

Thanks, guys.

They got my guns.

JOHN: Well, cops are on their way.

Wow.

I mean, they took everything.

That bastard York's gonna be taking the Siberian Express

into early retirement.

More like an early grave.

I got a look at that guy's thyroid.

It's pretty enlarged.

If he doesn't get it checked out soon,

he's got weeks, tops.

Why didn't you say anything to him?

He was a crook.

We didn't know that at the time.

Ooh.

_

And he was like, "In you go." Oh, I got it.

- No, honey. - No, Joan. I got it this time.

Honey, let's not do this dance. I'm getting this.

- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah.

Plus, it's just so much easier

for me to pay with one card than it is

to try and watch you spread it out over six.

Thank you so much, Joan. I got the next one.

I bought a lotto ticket today, and I am feeling lucky.

You know, have you ever thought about trying to use logic

to guide your life instead of the black arts?

Well, I know it sounds crazy, but my fortune cookie last night

said that I'm coming into some unexpected money.

- So that's a no to logic? - Right.

- Go, go, go. - TV ANNOUNCER: Breaks free at the 30.

- And here he goes. - Go. Go.

Yes! Oh, that was beautiful! Oh.

Hey, baby, how was lunch?

Awful. I am so upset.

Uh-oh. Oh, boy, this seems like

a turn-off-the-TV kind of conversation.

Yes, it is.

Okay. Good.

You know that lotto ticket I bought?

A valet stole it from the car.

Okay, well, maybe you just misplaced it,

because that is a thing that tends to happen

to you all the time, right?

No, not right!

It was in my cup holder.

Okay, well, hey, hey, hey, we already won the lottery.

Right? We found each other.

Come here. Mmm. Oh. I love you so much.

(TV CLICKS ON)

It's the principle, Matt.

- Yes, it is. Of course it is. - (TV CLICKS OFF)

And you know what I'm gonna do tomorrow?

I'm gonna go back and I am gonna call that little weasel out.

- Okay. - You're gonna be my backup.

- Yeah. - In case things get physical.

- Sure. - Which they will.

Okay.

(TV CLICKS ON)

And I'm gonna tell you something else.

- Yeah. - (TV CLICKS OFF)

- She's 42. Hi, honey. - Hey, Mom.

Um, I need a favor from you.

No. No more postage stamps.

I have to draw the line.

Well, that is genuinely upsetting,

but that's actually not why I'm here.

I bought this lottery ticket, and I need you to tell Colleen

that it fell out of her purse at your lunch.

Honey, I'm not comfortable lying to your wife.

No, please, Mom.

You know Colleen. She's always losing things

and then blaming other people for stealing them, and then,

like, a week later, they turn up

in one of her other pockets or in our freezer.

Ooh, that's good to know.

I forgot to return her earrings,

and now I can just stick them in your freezer.

Yeah, absolutely.

But I need your help.

Do you know how many restaurants in this town

I'm no longer allowed in

because Colleen has made a scene in them?

It's actually not that many, but one of them's a Benihana.

A Benihana, Mom.

Colleen has her eccentricities, honey,

but I think you need

to have your wife's back.

- But I think she's wrong. - Oh, then lie.

I thought you said you weren't comfortable lying to her.

Well, she's not my wife.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

This valet is gonna pay!

Hey, babe.

Do you mind if I play deejay for a minute?

You know, I could throw on

some, like, smooth adult contemporary

or that enormous shirtless man who plays the ukulele

that you like. Right?

- Oh. - (MUSIC STOPS)

Sorry, I missed what you said.

Yeah.

- I am amped! - (LAUGHS)

I think I should probably be bad cop, don't you?

- Or... - Yeah?

We could do good cop, better cop.

Right? Nobody ever expects to see that coming.

You know, they'd be like,

"What? Yeah, this guy's even more pleasant? Uh..."

That sounds boring.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Carry yourself like you've got a gun in your pocket.

- What? - Let's do this!

It's about to get very...

Hi!

Thank you so much.

Where's TJ?

TJ quit?

Yeah, yesterday. He flipped off our boss

and said he didn't need this place anymore.

I knew it. TJ stole my ticket,

he won the lottery, and now he has my money.

I am gonna Google his ass and track him down.

Where's my phone? Somebody stole my phone.

Okay, no, Colleen, nobody stole your phone.

And nobody stole your lottery ticket.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that sometimes it's nobody else's fault

but your own, okay?

There is a reason

that you have 12 pairs of sunglasses,

and it's not because, like, some thief keeps returning them.

Wow.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Ugh, Colleen.

No. Leave me alone. I'm calling a Lyft.

I thought somebody stole your phone.

Well, I forgot this dress had pockets.

Ah.

Dude, that's messed up.

You should always have your wife's back.

Yeah. Also, TJ probably did steal the ticket.

He's kinda like a known thief.

(SIGHS)

What?

I knew it. I knew it.

I am...

not gonna rub your sweet, beautiful face in this.

I'm sorry. You're right.

I definitely think TJ stole that lottery ticket,

and I will do everything in my power to help you find him.

I love you.

Oh.

Oh, Matt.

We don't actually have to find TJ.

I just wanted you to believe me.

I do believe you.

I believe you because you're a good person.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

WOMAN: Hey, um, I think that's the wrong Lyft.

Are you Colleen?

No. She died.

But only, like, five minutes ago,

so could you waive the cancellation fee?

Thank you. Bye!

(BOTH LAUGH)

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