Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,735 --> 00:00:06,954
_
2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,023
(LAUGHS): Bye! Thank you!
3
00:00:09,025 --> 00:00:10,201
Of course we'll be back.
4
00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:11,692
Now, listen, I don't want to make
5
00:00:11,694 --> 00:00:13,261
too much of an overstatement
here, but I think
6
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,429
we're the smartest people on the planet.
7
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:15,516
I have not felt this smart since
8
00:00:15,541 --> 00:00:17,532
I cheated off of Vijay
Patel on the SATs.
9
00:00:17,534 --> 00:00:19,333
- Nice.
- I mean, look at all this cash
10
00:00:19,335 --> 00:00:21,402
we just made from
returning our wedding gifts.
11
00:00:21,404 --> 00:00:23,305
We didn't need any of that
stuff in the first place.
12
00:00:23,330 --> 00:00:24,696
I-I blame the scanning gun.
13
00:00:24,721 --> 00:00:26,121
I went, like, full Charlie's
Angels with that thing.
14
00:00:26,376 --> 00:00:27,604
Now, instead of having a bunch of stuff,
15
00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,320
- we have a bunch of money.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
16
00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:30,587
What do you want to do with it?
17
00:00:30,589 --> 00:00:32,323
I don't know. Buy a bunch of stuff?
18
00:00:32,325 --> 00:00:33,857
Oh, God, you're so smart.
19
00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:35,426
Oh, God, you are such a genius.
20
00:00:35,428 --> 00:00:36,427
Come here, come here, come here.
21
00:00:36,429 --> 00:00:37,628
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22
00:00:37,630 --> 00:00:39,830
(BOTH MOANING)
23
00:00:41,938 --> 00:00:43,300
This is great, Mom.
24
00:00:43,302 --> 00:00:44,219
The best.
25
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:46,370
You two are so full of energy.
26
00:00:46,782 --> 00:00:48,100
Was it a sex morning?
27
00:00:48,125 --> 00:00:50,140
That always gives me such a lift.
28
00:00:50,142 --> 00:00:51,675
Oh, well, thank you for checking in,
29
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:53,544
but, no, we're just riding
high on married life.
30
00:00:53,546 --> 00:00:55,012
- We love married life.
- Yeah.
31
00:00:55,014 --> 00:00:56,847
Speaking of your wedding,
32
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:59,550
have you two enjoyed
your new waffle maker?
33
00:00:59,552 --> 00:01:01,051
Oh.
34
00:01:01,053 --> 00:01:02,786
The one we got off your registry?
35
00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:05,956
Well, we haven't tried it
yet, but we are very excited.
36
00:01:05,958 --> 00:01:07,257
Yeah, we're just, you know,
37
00:01:07,259 --> 00:01:08,525
waiting for a special occasion
38
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:10,060
to break that Belgian bad boy open.
39
00:01:10,062 --> 00:01:11,628
How about tomorrow?
40
00:01:12,863 --> 00:01:14,732
We could have a waffle party.
41
00:01:15,152 --> 00:01:18,435
Yeah, it's like a sausage
party with less dudes.
42
00:01:18,437 --> 00:01:19,770
Sounds great. We're in.
43
00:01:19,772 --> 00:01:20,838
(CHUCKLES, COUGHS)
44
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,373
Great.
45
00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:27,311
You guys make the waffles
and the coffee and blueberries
46
00:01:27,313 --> 00:01:29,446
and whipped cream and syrup,
47
00:01:29,448 --> 00:01:31,815
and we'll just show up.
48
00:01:31,817 --> 00:01:33,150
Yeah. Seems fair.
49
00:01:33,152 --> 00:01:34,885
Okay. Yeah.
50
00:01:36,088 --> 00:01:37,755
Come on, hurry up; they're
gonna be here any second.
51
00:01:37,757 --> 00:01:39,023
Okay. W-W-Wait. What, what?
52
00:01:39,025 --> 00:01:40,357
We have to make it look like
we actually cooked these.
53
00:01:40,359 --> 00:01:42,292
Okay. Uh...
54
00:01:42,294 --> 00:01:45,963
Well, that's not helping,
and we don't have time.
55
00:01:45,965 --> 00:01:47,664
Oh, oh, oh, I can
Sharpie on grill marks.
56
00:01:47,666 --> 00:01:49,033
- (KNOCKING)
- JOAN: We're here!
57
00:01:49,035 --> 00:01:50,434
Are you cursing us yet
58
00:01:50,436 --> 00:01:52,669
for all the work it
takes to host a brunch?
59
00:01:52,671 --> 00:01:53,433
(LAUGHS)
60
00:01:53,458 --> 00:01:55,572
Whoa, something smells good.
61
00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:56,774
- Oh.
- Mmm.
62
00:01:56,776 --> 00:01:58,208
I think. I really haven't
63
00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:00,210
been able to smell much since the '70s.
64
00:02:00,212 --> 00:02:01,645
COLLEEN: Right.
65
00:02:01,647 --> 00:02:02,880
JOAN: Oh, don't those look delicious.
66
00:02:02,882 --> 00:02:05,549
They're so fluffy, like your hair.
67
00:02:05,551 --> 00:02:07,017
- Oh.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
68
00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:08,852
How did you like the waffle maker?
69
00:02:08,854 --> 00:02:10,954
It was great.
70
00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:14,525
And?
71
00:02:15,030 --> 00:02:17,895
Made waffles, as advertised.
72
00:02:17,897 --> 00:02:19,797
Nothing else you want to say?
73
00:02:19,799 --> 00:02:20,998
About what?
74
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,499
About the cash.
75
00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:24,535
BOTH: What cash?
76
00:02:24,537 --> 00:02:26,683
That was your real gift.
77
00:02:26,708 --> 00:02:29,506
We stuffed the box with cash.
78
00:02:29,508 --> 00:02:31,175
JOHN: A big wad of cash.
79
00:02:31,177 --> 00:02:33,377
Mom, we returned that waffle maker.
80
00:02:33,379 --> 00:02:34,344
Mm-hmm.
81
00:02:34,346 --> 00:02:35,199
Why?
82
00:02:35,224 --> 00:02:36,814
For the cash.
83
00:02:36,816 --> 00:02:38,095
I told you we should've hid it
84
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,384
in a tampon box; nobody returns those.
85
00:02:40,386 --> 00:02:42,653
I'm not having this discussion again.
86
00:02:42,655 --> 00:02:45,456
Why didn't you just give us cash
in a card like normal people?
87
00:02:45,458 --> 00:02:48,792
You probably would've returned
that, too, you cheap bastards.
88
00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:50,327
It's got to be here somewhere.
89
00:02:50,329 --> 00:02:52,522
It has a dent in it from
where I kicked it in disbelief
90
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,348
that your parents gave us
such a cheap wedding present.
91
00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:57,784
Don't you dare bring up
my rage issues right now.
92
00:02:57,786 --> 00:03:00,120
I just don't understand. We
literally just returned it.
93
00:03:00,122 --> 00:03:01,981
Stop complaining, keep looking.
94
00:03:02,006 --> 00:03:03,423
Oh, now you have advice?
95
00:03:03,425 --> 00:03:05,091
After you returned
everything before opening it?
96
00:03:05,093 --> 00:03:07,127
Who knows how much cash could've
been in any of those things?
97
00:03:07,129 --> 00:03:08,728
My family does stupid stuff
like this all the time.
98
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:09,996
Oh, don't get me started.
99
00:03:09,998 --> 00:03:11,598
I know all about your dumb family.
100
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,066
You know what? You're
right, we should just
101
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:14,935
be happy with the presents
that your family gave us.
102
00:03:14,937 --> 00:03:16,467
Wait a minute, they didn't
give us any, unless of course
103
00:03:16,492 --> 00:03:18,305
you count your mother's
stupid shamanic blessing.
104
00:03:18,307 --> 00:03:19,748
We both cried.
105
00:03:20,162 --> 00:03:22,352
Keep opening boxes.
106
00:03:22,959 --> 00:03:26,246
Mmm. All this talk of
waffles got me in the mood.
107
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,381
I didn't know we had a waffle maker.
108
00:03:28,383 --> 00:03:30,951
Well, they were on sale when I
bought it for Matt and Colleen,
109
00:03:30,953 --> 00:03:32,085
so I got two.
110
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:33,219
Oh!
111
00:03:34,383 --> 00:03:35,741
Uh-oh.
112
00:03:35,766 --> 00:03:36,723
No.
113
00:03:36,725 --> 00:03:38,458
I gave them the wrong box.
114
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:39,693
We didn't do that.
115
00:03:39,695 --> 00:03:41,661
They're gonna get a kick out of this.
116
00:03:41,663 --> 00:03:43,863
(BOTH LAUGHING)
117
00:03:48,146 --> 00:03:51,204
You can't open all those,
unless you plan on buying them.
118
00:03:51,206 --> 00:03:52,472
Well, fine, we'll buy them.
119
00:03:52,474 --> 00:03:53,907
- Yeah.
- We'll buy all of them.
120
00:03:53,909 --> 00:03:56,977
Yeah, in cash, once we find it.
121
00:03:59,894 --> 00:04:01,625
_
122
00:04:01,650 --> 00:04:03,683
WOMAN (OVER TV): Reach up, inhale.
123
00:04:03,685 --> 00:04:05,051
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
124
00:04:05,909 --> 00:04:07,863
(GROANS): Oh...
125
00:04:07,888 --> 00:04:09,356
Could you keep your groaning down?
126
00:04:09,358 --> 00:04:10,890
I'm trying to mope here.
127
00:04:10,892 --> 00:04:12,726
I didn't even see you.
What are you doing here?
128
00:04:12,728 --> 00:04:14,627
Clementine has a date at our house.
129
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:15,829
- Oh.
- They said I could stay,
130
00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:17,397
but I found him pretty pedestrian.
131
00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:19,599
So, I snuck out while
they were in the shower.
132
00:04:19,601 --> 00:04:21,468
Oh, honey.
133
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:24,237
Your living arrangement is a bummer.
134
00:04:24,239 --> 00:04:26,219
Why don't you hang
out with your friends?
135
00:04:26,244 --> 00:04:27,351
No, now that they're in college,
136
00:04:27,376 --> 00:04:28,775
all they want to talk about is partying.
137
00:04:28,777 --> 00:04:29,843
Oh, yeah.
138
00:04:29,845 --> 00:04:31,125
- It's so boring.
- Mm-hmm.
139
00:04:31,150 --> 00:04:32,645
They don't understand the complexities
140
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,047
of being a divorced homeowner.
141
00:04:34,049 --> 00:04:35,281
Mm, yeah.
142
00:04:35,283 --> 00:04:36,983
Well, who needs them?
143
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,319
You know what? I'll be your friend.
144
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,453
And...
145
00:04:40,455 --> 00:04:42,555
I will make you a PB and J.
146
00:04:42,557 --> 00:04:45,353
Hmm? It's like I'm your
friend with benefits.
147
00:04:45,915 --> 00:04:47,460
You can't be friends with your mom.
148
00:04:47,462 --> 00:04:48,995
Oh, come on, sure you can.
149
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:51,765
We could just hang out and
watch Netflix and chill.
150
00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:53,433
You really don't get it.
151
00:04:53,435 --> 00:04:55,268
Okay, come on, Tyler, give me a chance.
152
00:04:55,270 --> 00:04:56,636
Okay? I'm fun.
153
00:04:56,638 --> 00:04:58,605
Put your nice jeans on,
we'll go to the mall.
154
00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:01,908
Clementine is wearing
our nice jeans... or was.
155
00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:05,689
Well, you clean up real nice, pal.
156
00:05:05,714 --> 00:05:06,946
You know, friends don't hit each other
157
00:05:06,948 --> 00:05:08,681
as much as you think they do.
158
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,010
Okay, fine. I'm taking a mental note.
159
00:05:11,035 --> 00:05:13,564
No hitting. No cleaning
your face with my spit.
160
00:05:13,589 --> 00:05:15,555
- No.
- No asking if you have to tinkle.
161
00:05:15,557 --> 00:05:17,891
That's a good start. Ready to go home?
162
00:05:17,893 --> 00:05:19,392
(QUIETLY): Why? Do you have to tinkle?
163
00:05:19,394 --> 00:05:20,994
No.
164
00:05:20,996 --> 00:05:24,164
Good. 'Cause we have the
whole day together, huh?
165
00:05:24,166 --> 00:05:25,265
The whole day?
166
00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:27,104
Yeah, it's gonna be fun!
167
00:05:27,129 --> 00:05:28,328
Ow.
168
00:05:29,971 --> 00:05:33,540
Ooh! Fun hair stuff.
169
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,141
Oh, Mom.
170
00:05:35,716 --> 00:05:37,877
Have you ever dreamt
of having straight hair?
171
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,579
Oh, I have, yes.
172
00:05:39,581 --> 00:05:43,191
But, Tyler, have you ever
dreamt of having straight hair?
173
00:05:43,216 --> 00:05:46,019
Well, I mean, not this
week, but of course.
174
00:05:46,021 --> 00:05:48,421
This week, it's mostly been
nightmares about my divorce.
175
00:05:48,423 --> 00:05:51,024
When I get divorced,
nothing makes me feel better
176
00:05:51,026 --> 00:05:53,226
than long, straight, silky hair.
177
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:54,595
Let me show you.
178
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,728
Sorry, I would love to,
179
00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,831
but I'm actually saving
up for a new place.
180
00:05:57,833 --> 00:05:59,666
Oh, honey, come on, listen.
181
00:05:59,668 --> 00:06:02,836
If changing your look makes you
feel better, then this is on me.
182
00:06:02,838 --> 00:06:05,425
Okay... well, actually, it's on whoever
183
00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:07,183
left their money in the ATM.
184
00:06:09,872 --> 00:06:11,744
Hey, you know what I
think we should do next?
185
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:12,979
Dye your hair.
186
00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:14,547
I'm thinking not red.
187
00:06:14,549 --> 00:06:16,382
Maybe one glass at a time, Mom.
188
00:06:16,384 --> 00:06:17,919
Oh, honey.
189
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:19,796
These are not both for me.
190
00:06:20,192 --> 00:06:21,254
- Wait, really?
- Yeah.
191
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,789
But I'm not 21 for another two weeks.
192
00:06:22,791 --> 00:06:25,425
Well, that sounds like
a concern for a mom
193
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,061
and not a friend with rad hair.
194
00:06:28,063 --> 00:06:29,980
- (CHUCKLES): Thanks.
- BARTENDER: Here's that third
195
00:06:30,005 --> 00:06:31,471
glass of wine you said
you couldn't carry.
196
00:06:31,496 --> 00:06:32,499
- HEATHER: Thank you.
- There it is.
197
00:06:32,501 --> 00:06:35,456
- That goes right here.
- KIDDER: Tyler? Is that you?
198
00:06:35,497 --> 00:06:36,540
Nice hair, dude.
199
00:06:36,565 --> 00:06:38,384
You look like a Sesame Street character.
200
00:06:38,409 --> 00:06:39,253
(BOTH LAUGH)
201
00:06:39,278 --> 00:06:41,007
Hey, what are you laughing at, Gabe?
202
00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:42,475
I know how long you breast-fed for.
203
00:06:42,477 --> 00:06:44,210
Most kids don't do that standing up.
204
00:06:44,235 --> 00:06:46,162
- Ooh.
- (KIDDER LAUGHS)
205
00:06:46,576 --> 00:06:47,848
We're gonna be late to the movie,
206
00:06:47,873 --> 00:06:48,848
but it was great to see you, man.
207
00:06:48,850 --> 00:06:51,271
- All right.
- Bye, Mrs. Hughes.
208
00:06:51,646 --> 00:06:53,753
You can totally go with
them if you want to.
209
00:06:53,755 --> 00:06:56,189
No, I'd much rather hang out with you.
210
00:06:56,191 --> 00:06:58,006
- Really?
- Yeah.
211
00:06:58,031 --> 00:07:00,059
That's what friends are for, right?
212
00:07:00,389 --> 00:07:01,528
Oh, yay! (LAUGHS)
213
00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:03,861
- All right, we're hitting again!
- Ow!
214
00:07:06,197 --> 00:07:07,934
So what's PermissionDenied about?
215
00:07:07,936 --> 00:07:10,136
I don't know, but PositiveReviews.com
216
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,572
calls it a winner.
217
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,072
Oh. I love PositiveReviews.com.
218
00:07:13,074 --> 00:07:14,374
HEATHER: Me, too.
219
00:07:14,376 --> 00:07:15,742
MAN (OVER SCREEN): Take a look around.
220
00:07:15,744 --> 00:07:17,644
From chains to whips,
221
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,286
everything in this room can bring you
222
00:07:20,311 --> 00:07:22,841
- both pleasure and pain.
- (WOMAN MOANS ON SCREEN)
223
00:07:22,866 --> 00:07:24,622
But you must choose.
224
00:07:24,647 --> 00:07:27,353
WOMAN: (MOANS) I choose...
225
00:07:27,355 --> 00:07:29,653
- HEATHER: Oh, God.
- WOMAN: you.
226
00:07:29,678 --> 00:07:31,940
- MAN: Permission.
- (WHIP CRACKING, WOMAN MOANING)
227
00:07:31,965 --> 00:07:33,098
WOMAN: Permission.
228
00:07:33,123 --> 00:07:34,093
Okay, that's...
229
00:07:34,095 --> 00:07:35,351
- WOMAN: Oh!
- Oh.
230
00:07:35,376 --> 00:07:36,711
MAN: Mother, may I?
231
00:07:36,736 --> 00:07:38,477
What? God, that is his mother?
232
00:07:38,502 --> 00:07:40,101
WOMAN: (MOANS) Permission.
233
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:40,833
(GROANS)
234
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:41,595
I'm so sorry.
235
00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:43,536
I-I thought this was
about a train assassin.
236
00:07:43,538 --> 00:07:44,604
You know, if you don't
want to finish watching...
237
00:07:44,606 --> 00:07:46,639
No, no, no, honey, I
think this friendship
238
00:07:46,641 --> 00:07:49,876
- ends at a hard "R" rating.
- Yeah.
239
00:07:49,878 --> 00:07:52,342
- WOMAN: Permission! (MOANING)
- Go, go, go!
240
00:07:54,054 --> 00:07:55,953
_
241
00:07:56,765 --> 00:07:59,281
Are you sure you can handle
Lark for a whole night?
242
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,195
Of course. It'll be like having
243
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:04,140
a 30-pound bag of sugar
to nibble on all night.
244
00:08:04,188 --> 00:08:06,154
- (JEN CHUCKLES)
- (LARK GIGGLES)
245
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:08,403
And this is the first night
you've been away from her
246
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:09,817
since she was born.
247
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:11,297
Yeah, but maybe it's too soon.
248
00:08:11,299 --> 00:08:13,346
- I don't know if we should do this.
- Oh, no, honey...
249
00:08:13,371 --> 00:08:14,567
What did I tell you about
250
00:08:14,569 --> 00:08:17,170
trusting your maternal instincts?
251
00:08:17,468 --> 00:08:19,034
Don't do it.
252
00:08:19,059 --> 00:08:21,035
- Okay.
- Come here.
253
00:08:21,353 --> 00:08:24,477
Have a fun night with
Mom-Mom, okay? We love you.
254
00:08:24,502 --> 00:08:26,412
- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah, where are we going?
255
00:08:26,414 --> 00:08:28,455
We're gonna distract you
while your parents leave.
256
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,423
- (EXHALES)
- Not yet.
257
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,186
Not yet.
258
00:08:34,251 --> 00:08:34,992
Yet?
259
00:08:35,017 --> 00:08:36,556
- Not yet.
- Okay.
260
00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,723
Okay, now.
261
00:08:37,748 --> 00:08:39,225
(BOTH WHOOPING LOUDLY)
262
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,159
Yeah!
263
00:08:40,161 --> 00:08:41,594
- Yeah, baby!
- Yeah!
264
00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:42,628
We're free!
265
00:08:42,653 --> 00:08:44,137
Oh, babe,
266
00:08:44,162 --> 00:08:45,765
just like the good old days.
267
00:08:46,209 --> 00:08:47,767
Like when we had nothing to argue about
268
00:08:47,769 --> 00:08:50,303
except which route to
take to avoid traffic.
269
00:08:50,305 --> 00:08:51,571
Oh, remember that? (SCOFFS)
270
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:52,605
Yeah.
271
00:08:52,607 --> 00:08:54,273
(LAUGHS)
272
00:08:54,275 --> 00:08:55,508
All right.
273
00:08:55,510 --> 00:08:56,876
You're gonna turn up here.
274
00:08:57,011 --> 00:08:58,043
What?
275
00:08:58,068 --> 00:08:59,378
- This is the turn.
- No, it's not.
276
00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:01,063
- It's the next one.
- Hmm?
277
00:09:01,088 --> 00:09:02,254
It's the next one.
278
00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:03,282
No, no. This is it.
279
00:09:03,284 --> 00:09:06,116
Jen, it's the next...
oh, shoot, you're right.
280
00:09:08,834 --> 00:09:10,133
Whoo.
281
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:11,634
- We made it.
- We did.
282
00:09:11,659 --> 00:09:12,658
- Hey.
- Mm-hmm.
283
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:14,661
To us, and us only.
284
00:09:14,686 --> 00:09:16,496
Yes.
285
00:09:16,709 --> 00:09:18,301
In fact, drinking game.
286
00:09:18,326 --> 00:09:19,866
- Yeah.
- Every time we realize
287
00:09:19,868 --> 00:09:22,512
we don't have to take
care of a child, we drink.
288
00:09:22,537 --> 00:09:23,607
- Love it.
- Okay.
289
00:09:23,632 --> 00:09:26,629
So the porn channel's on the TV,
and we don't have to change it.
290
00:09:26,654 --> 00:09:28,141
- Drink.
- Mm-hmm.
291
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,775
Mmm.
292
00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:31,144
There's a knife by the fruit.
293
00:09:31,146 --> 00:09:32,812
Yup.
294
00:09:32,814 --> 00:09:34,780
And now it's by an electrical socket.
295
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:36,115
Okay, drink twice.
296
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,636
Wait, why twice?
297
00:09:38,034 --> 00:09:39,499
Uh, 'cause I like to party.
298
00:09:39,524 --> 00:09:40,423
Drink!
299
00:09:40,917 --> 00:09:42,688
(SNORING)
300
00:09:43,197 --> 00:09:45,064
Drink. Drink.
301
00:09:46,446 --> 00:09:47,679
Babe?
302
00:09:47,704 --> 00:09:49,650
Hey, what time is it?
303
00:09:51,312 --> 00:09:52,711
Oh, Jen, wake up.
304
00:09:52,736 --> 00:09:53,599
We passed out drunk.
305
00:09:53,601 --> 00:09:54,600
It's 1:00 in the morning.
306
00:09:54,602 --> 00:09:55,935
- What?
- Wake up. We're sleeping through
307
00:09:55,937 --> 00:09:57,303
the best night of our lives.
308
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,508
Oh, did we even have sex?
309
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:01,199
I don't know, let me check.
310
00:10:02,907 --> 00:10:04,525
I guess not.
311
00:10:04,550 --> 00:10:06,050
This was for you.
312
00:10:06,075 --> 00:10:07,577
It was a surprise.
313
00:10:07,602 --> 00:10:09,960
Still kind of is a surprise.
314
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:10,984
Yeah.
315
00:10:11,009 --> 00:10:12,118
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
316
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,119
Excuse me, sir, sir, sir.
317
00:10:13,121 --> 00:10:16,038
Hi. Uh, Short party of two.
318
00:10:16,063 --> 00:10:17,957
I'm sorry, but we've
been closed for hours.
319
00:10:17,959 --> 00:10:20,826
Oh. Well, um, what time do you open?
320
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,195
A-Are we closer to that?
321
00:10:22,197 --> 00:10:24,363
Or-or could we get room service?
322
00:10:24,365 --> 00:10:26,817
Oh, our room service is
excellent. You'll love it.
323
00:10:26,842 --> 00:10:27,867
Fantastic!
324
00:10:27,869 --> 00:10:29,635
But it doesn't start till breakfast.
325
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:36,589
Well, this isn't the
worst thing that I've taken
326
00:10:36,614 --> 00:10:38,893
off of a room service tray
someone left in the hall.
327
00:10:38,918 --> 00:10:42,259
Yeah, and much like this coleslaw,
328
00:10:42,284 --> 00:10:45,205
this night is starting to turn.
329
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:46,085
What?
330
00:10:46,087 --> 00:10:47,622
Hey.
331
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,680
- Mommy's got a playlist.
- (SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)
332
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:50,981
Wow, wow, wow.
333
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:51,982
Mm-hmm.
334
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:53,951
- Okay.
- Okay.
335
00:10:54,381 --> 00:10:56,021
I pick up what you're laying down.
336
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:57,755
- You like it?
- Yeah, I do.
337
00:10:57,757 --> 00:11:00,923
(BABY CRYING)
338
00:11:00,948 --> 00:11:02,517
Do you hear that, too?
339
00:11:02,542 --> 00:11:04,261
Yeah, I hear it.
340
00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:06,463
But you want to know
what? Let's just ignore it.
341
00:11:06,465 --> 00:11:08,132
- Okay. Yeah.
- Let's ignore it. It's not our kid.
342
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,034
- Mm-hmm. (CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
- Here we go.
343
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,135
(CHUCKLES)
344
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,336
- And we're back.
- Yeah.
345
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,370
(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)
346
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:14,271
No, I can't.
347
00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:15,472
- No.
- Sorry. No, I can't.
348
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:16,874
I-I can't be in the mood
349
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:17,930
when there's a kid crying.
350
00:11:17,955 --> 00:11:20,844
Greg, the whole point
of this was to get away
351
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:24,448
from being parents, to get
back into being a couple.
352
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:26,317
You're right. You want to know what?
353
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,652
I'm gonna go be the childless jerk
354
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:31,055
who goes over there and tells them to
355
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:32,690
"Keep it down!"
356
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,693
(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)
357
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,860
(SNIFFS)
358
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,198
(WHISPERS): Ow.
359
00:11:43,628 --> 00:11:44,602
Hey.
360
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:46,409
Hey. There something we
can do about this noise?
361
00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,481
Because I'm trying to
get drunk with my wife.
362
00:11:48,483 --> 00:11:50,642
No, I'm-I'm really sorry.
I know my little one's
363
00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:52,184
making a lot of noise.
She has an ear infection,
364
00:11:52,186 --> 00:11:53,953
and-and I'm trying to
get her to the hospital.
365
00:11:53,955 --> 00:11:55,421
- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
366
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:56,722
Well, if you're going to the hospital,
367
00:11:56,724 --> 00:11:57,990
I guess that solves the noise problem.
368
00:11:57,992 --> 00:11:58,958
Good luck.
369
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,526
Uh, but-but, you
know, I-I actually
370
00:12:00,528 --> 00:12:02,061
don't know what to do
with my three-year-old.
371
00:12:02,063 --> 00:12:03,329
She's terrified of hospitals.
372
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,097
Yeah, well, we're all
terrified of something.
373
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,332
For me, it's Pat Sajak.
374
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:08,748
I don't want to go to a hospital.
375
00:12:09,274 --> 00:12:11,537
That where Daddy died.
376
00:12:12,743 --> 00:12:14,907
Oh, dude.
377
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,575
(SIGHS)
378
00:12:16,577 --> 00:12:17,877
GREG: Hey, honey.
379
00:12:18,168 --> 00:12:20,101
Good news, bad news.
380
00:12:20,126 --> 00:12:23,983
Good news is I got the crying to stop.
381
00:12:24,919 --> 00:12:27,019
Do you want to guess
what the bad news is?
382
00:12:29,629 --> 00:12:31,182
Greg, who's this?
383
00:12:31,207 --> 00:12:33,125
This is Lucia.
384
00:12:33,356 --> 00:12:36,529
Who is going to be staying
with us until her mom gets back.
385
00:12:36,531 --> 00:12:38,931
This sounds like a super
fun way for the two of us
386
00:12:38,933 --> 00:12:42,168
to spend our one night
alone, just the two of us.
387
00:12:42,170 --> 00:12:44,103
Okay. Hi, Lucia.
388
00:12:44,105 --> 00:12:45,971
(CLEARS THROAT) Uh...
389
00:12:46,353 --> 00:12:48,674
I'm gonna go change out
of my special jammies,
390
00:12:48,676 --> 00:12:51,366
and then we're gonna get
you settled down to sleep.
391
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:55,014
I sleep during the day.
392
00:12:56,655 --> 00:12:57,960
Course you do.
393
00:12:58,897 --> 00:13:02,210
Okay, Lucia, remember, you
promised me you were gonna
394
00:13:02,235 --> 00:13:04,836
stop jumping and lay down
and-and close your eyes.
395
00:13:04,861 --> 00:13:05,893
What happened?
396
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:06,859
I lied.
397
00:13:06,861 --> 00:13:08,199
- You lied.
- Yeah.
398
00:13:08,224 --> 00:13:10,373
Ugh, why are you jumping on the bed?
399
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,031
Because it's fun.
400
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,403
Oh, all right.
401
00:13:18,247 --> 00:13:19,672
Let's have some fun.
402
00:13:20,380 --> 00:13:21,874
Oh, okay.
403
00:13:21,876 --> 00:13:23,976
(SIGHS)
404
00:13:24,341 --> 00:13:26,545
At least the bed's getting
some kind of action.
405
00:13:26,547 --> 00:13:27,546
Yeah.
406
00:13:27,548 --> 00:13:28,814
Freestyle!
407
00:13:28,816 --> 00:13:30,753
(GROANS): Oh! Uh-oh.
408
00:13:30,778 --> 00:13:33,426
This is how you play Ding Dong Ditch.
409
00:13:33,762 --> 00:13:35,575
(QUIETLY): All right, ready?
410
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,894
One, two, three, go. Quick, go!
411
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,659
Go, go, go, go, go. In
there, in there, in there.
412
00:13:40,661 --> 00:13:41,727
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!
413
00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:42,728
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
414
00:13:43,783 --> 00:13:45,172
- Hey.
- Hmm?
415
00:13:45,197 --> 00:13:48,300
Remember when you said you
always wanted to do a three-way?
416
00:13:48,302 --> 00:13:51,237
Uh, that was you, but go on.
417
00:13:51,239 --> 00:13:53,502
Well, this isn't it.
418
00:13:56,744 --> 00:13:58,611
(SIGHS)
419
00:13:58,976 --> 00:14:01,747
Oh, they're so cute
when they're sleeping.
420
00:14:06,570 --> 00:14:07,453
(SIGHS): Oh, man.
421
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:09,588
Well, that was just like
staying home with Lark,
422
00:14:09,590 --> 00:14:12,303
except it cost us $400.
423
00:14:12,328 --> 00:14:14,260
You think we'll ever get
back to being who we were
424
00:14:14,262 --> 00:14:15,761
before we had kids?
425
00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:18,726
Yeah, but we'll be too old to enjoy it.
426
00:14:19,132 --> 00:14:20,841
You know what, though?
427
00:14:20,866 --> 00:14:23,515
We may suck at being
carefree and childless,
428
00:14:23,835 --> 00:14:26,093
but we are good at being parents.
429
00:14:28,042 --> 00:14:29,275
All right, don't worry, Lucia,
430
00:14:29,277 --> 00:14:30,543
we're gonna find your mommy, okay?
431
00:14:30,545 --> 00:14:32,444
She's got to be at
one of these hospitals.
432
00:14:32,532 --> 00:14:35,239
- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Oh, Amber Alert.
433
00:14:36,723 --> 00:14:38,751
Greg, what is your license plate number?
434
00:14:38,776 --> 00:14:40,433
Huh?
435
00:14:41,956 --> 00:14:43,689
Oh, no.
436
00:14:43,691 --> 00:14:45,057
Oh, no.
437
00:14:47,257 --> 00:14:49,038
_
438
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,572
(TV PLAYING QUIETLY, SAMANTHA LAUGHS)
439
00:14:51,574 --> 00:14:53,674
Yeah, I heard Mr. Henkels
is living in his car.
440
00:14:53,676 --> 00:14:55,495
Yeah, Mrs. Henkels kicked him out
441
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,420
because he gambled away
the Relay For Life money.
442
00:14:57,422 --> 00:14:58,216
(BOTH LAUGH)
443
00:14:58,241 --> 00:14:59,889
Hey, Sam. Who's your new friend?
444
00:14:59,891 --> 00:15:02,725
Uh, Ryan, this is my
dad and my grandfather,
445
00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:03,926
and you know Sophia.
446
00:15:03,928 --> 00:15:04,927
Hi.
447
00:15:04,929 --> 00:15:05,840
You guys want to join us?
448
00:15:05,865 --> 00:15:07,974
We're watching some dumb crap
449
00:15:07,999 --> 00:15:11,033
that John picked because
apparently it's his damn house,
450
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,868
and he gets to choose what we watch.
451
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,271
No, we're going to go study.
452
00:15:15,273 --> 00:15:16,639
Ah, very good.
453
00:15:16,641 --> 00:15:19,342
Education, that's what
separates us from the apes.
454
00:15:19,344 --> 00:15:20,279
(TIM CHUCKLES)
455
00:15:20,304 --> 00:15:23,012
Though they don't wear pants, so...
456
00:15:23,014 --> 00:15:24,814
maybe they know something we don't.
457
00:15:25,519 --> 00:15:27,361
Well, it was nice meeting you all.
458
00:15:27,386 --> 00:15:28,611
TIM: Mm.
459
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:31,053
You're just gonna let her
waltz up there with that man?
460
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,955
I mean, he looks older than I do.
461
00:15:32,957 --> 00:15:34,490
Eh, it's the hormones in the chicken.
462
00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:36,492
All 14-year-olds look like that now.
463
00:15:36,494 --> 00:15:38,661
He's actually the
senior class president,
464
00:15:38,663 --> 00:15:40,663
and he used to date Gina Tortellini.
465
00:15:40,665 --> 00:15:42,264
How do you know all that?
466
00:15:42,266 --> 00:15:43,966
I ask questions.
467
00:15:43,968 --> 00:15:46,736
Is that the Tortellini
girl that had the twins?
468
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,003
Yup.
469
00:15:48,005 --> 00:15:49,315
How do you know all that?
470
00:15:49,958 --> 00:15:51,792
Oh, I ask questions.
471
00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:54,543
Ah, he seems like a nice
enough study partner.
472
00:15:54,545 --> 00:15:55,606
Hmm?
473
00:15:55,631 --> 00:15:57,246
That dude's only going upstairs
474
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,300
to study your daughter's downstairs.
475
00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:00,049
John!
476
00:16:00,051 --> 00:16:01,701
Sam is a good girl, and if she says
477
00:16:01,726 --> 00:16:04,320
she's going upstairs to study,
then that's what she's doing.
478
00:16:04,322 --> 00:16:07,356
(CHUCKLES): Yeah,
studying his wanger bar.
479
00:16:08,289 --> 00:16:09,609
Hit me with another one.
480
00:16:09,634 --> 00:16:11,515
If I tell Sam she can't
have a boy in her room,
481
00:16:11,540 --> 00:16:13,156
then she's just gonna want it even more,
482
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,740
and I'm not gonna be that kind of dad.
483
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:17,466
So, I'm gonna let them study in peace.
484
00:16:17,468 --> 00:16:19,868
Oy, study his piece.
485
00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:22,204
(CHUCKLES)
486
00:16:22,206 --> 00:16:24,139
(SPORTSCAST PLAYING OVER TV)
487
00:16:24,164 --> 00:16:27,409
(SAMANTHA AND RYAN LAUGHING UPSTAIRS)
488
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,190
Lot of giggling up there.
489
00:16:31,718 --> 00:16:32,981
Not worried about it, John.
490
00:16:32,983 --> 00:16:35,284
They were giggling when
they came in. They're funny.
491
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:38,520
Besides, I'll take giggling
over silence any day.
492
00:16:41,192 --> 00:16:43,125
It's awful quiet up there.
493
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:45,094
No, John, that's what happens
when you giggle too long,
494
00:16:45,096 --> 00:16:47,296
then you need to take a little
break, catch your breath,
495
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:50,032
so you can... start giggling again.
496
00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:51,467
Here, I'll tickle you.
497
00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:53,168
Don't touch me.
498
00:16:56,607 --> 00:16:58,507
See? Now we're quiet.
499
00:16:58,509 --> 00:16:59,952
Uh-huh.
500
00:17:00,737 --> 00:17:02,144
- (SIGHS)
- Where you going?
501
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,047
I left my curling iron on.
502
00:17:05,471 --> 00:17:06,515
Idiot.
503
00:17:07,415 --> 00:17:09,385
All right, look, I need
you to sneak in there,
504
00:17:09,387 --> 00:17:12,321
just super casual, drop off the snacks,
505
00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,823
and then look for signs of...
506
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:18,212
Wh-What is it you think
boys and girls do again?
507
00:17:18,559 --> 00:17:19,495
Hug?
508
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:20,996
Right.
509
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,298
Look for signs of hugging.
510
00:17:27,585 --> 00:17:31,240
Hey, you ever notice all these
pictures are of Sam and Matt?
511
00:17:31,242 --> 00:17:33,041
You nervous about something?
512
00:17:33,043 --> 00:17:34,777
Nope. Just waiting for Sophia.
513
00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:36,412
She's upstairs...
514
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,781
unplugging the curling iron.
515
00:17:38,783 --> 00:17:42,117
Really? Because she just left
with Joanie for the store.
516
00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:43,485
What?
517
00:17:43,487 --> 00:17:44,887
Damn it.
518
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,455
She's a double agent.
519
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:54,074
520
00:17:58,002 --> 00:18:00,335
- (ALARM BEEPING)
- Oh, geez.
521
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,072
Dad, what are you doing?
522
00:18:04,074 --> 00:18:06,167
Hey, guys. I was, uh...
523
00:18:06,192 --> 00:18:08,175
- just testing this.
- (ALARM STOPS)
524
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:08,911
(CHUCKLES)
525
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:10,646
Your mom would get pretty upset with me
526
00:18:10,648 --> 00:18:12,281
if I burned another house down, right?
527
00:18:12,283 --> 00:18:13,515
(LAUGHS) But it works, so...
528
00:18:13,517 --> 00:18:14,483
(ALARM BEEPING)
529
00:18:14,485 --> 00:18:16,718
(SAMANTHA AND RYAN GROAN)
530
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,120
(ALARM STOPS)
531
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,189
What are you guys doing in there?
532
00:18:20,191 --> 00:18:22,758
Uh, we're just running lines
to audition for the play.
533
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,827
Oh, an actor, huh?
534
00:18:24,829 --> 00:18:26,829
Oh, I do a little acting, too.
535
00:18:26,831 --> 00:18:28,841
Sometimes I'm a real nice guy,
536
00:18:28,866 --> 00:18:31,561
and sometimes I can be real mean.
537
00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,069
I'm just kidding. See,
I was just doing it.
538
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:36,038
Acting, very simple. Right?
539
00:18:36,285 --> 00:18:37,639
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
540
00:18:37,641 --> 00:18:39,174
Dad.
541
00:18:39,176 --> 00:18:41,254
Guys, come on, we're having a moment!
542
00:18:41,279 --> 00:18:42,478
(DOOR CLOSES)
543
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:46,684
How are things going upstairs?
544
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,386
Am I a great-grandfather yet?
545
00:18:48,411 --> 00:18:50,354
No, because they're not
doing anything wrong.
546
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,513
Samantha's a good kid, and I trust her.
547
00:18:52,515 --> 00:18:53,847
Ah, I think you may be right.
548
00:18:53,849 --> 00:18:56,684
I was just thinking, back
when I was a teenage boy,
549
00:18:56,686 --> 00:19:00,349
I used to tell the moms that
we were practicing for a play.
550
00:19:00,374 --> 00:19:04,512
I was the cat and she
was the hot tin roof.
551
00:19:04,537 --> 00:19:05,803
But I can't speak for all men.
552
00:19:05,828 --> 00:19:08,195
Y-You were probably
different back in that age.
553
00:19:08,197 --> 00:19:10,378
"Diddler on the Roof" was another one.
554
00:19:10,403 --> 00:19:11,742
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
555
00:19:12,177 --> 00:19:13,400
Sam!
556
00:19:13,425 --> 00:19:15,092
(CHUCKLES)
557
00:19:19,208 --> 00:19:20,708
(GASPS) Dad!
558
00:19:20,710 --> 00:19:21,709
Oops, sorry.
559
00:19:21,711 --> 00:19:23,149
Wrong house, uh, room.
560
00:19:23,174 --> 00:19:24,211
(CHUCKLES)
561
00:19:24,213 --> 00:19:26,547
Sophia! Why did you
tell me to come up here?!
562
00:19:26,549 --> 00:19:27,748
Sorry.
563
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:28,749
What?
564
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:29,850
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
565
00:19:29,852 --> 00:19:31,452
I can't believe this.
566
00:19:31,454 --> 00:19:33,287
You barged in there
because you don't trust me.
567
00:19:33,289 --> 00:19:34,922
What do you think we
were doing in there?
568
00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:38,506
I don't know. Your Pop-Pop was
saying all kinds of weird stuff.
569
00:19:38,531 --> 00:19:39,928
Samantha!
570
00:19:39,953 --> 00:19:41,462
(DOOR CLOSES)
571
00:19:42,218 --> 00:19:44,068
They're not doing
anything, just like I said.
572
00:19:44,093 --> 00:19:45,265
So, congratulations on making me
573
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,267
the kind of parent I didn't want to be.
574
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,569
Well, we all end up being
575
00:19:48,571 --> 00:19:50,237
the kind of parent we don't want to be.
576
00:19:50,239 --> 00:19:51,538
That's what being a parent is.
577
00:19:51,540 --> 00:19:52,773
No, I don't buy it.
578
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,541
I'm done acting like you.
579
00:19:55,511 --> 00:19:57,111
I'm gonna go act like me.
580
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:02,656
(SIGHS)
581
00:20:03,686 --> 00:20:05,419
Yeah?
582
00:20:05,725 --> 00:20:07,735
I owe you an apology.
583
00:20:08,422 --> 00:20:10,157
I'm listening.
584
00:20:11,052 --> 00:20:12,059
I stopped trusting you,
585
00:20:12,061 --> 00:20:14,528
and I promised myself
that I would never do that.
586
00:20:14,530 --> 00:20:16,630
So, won't happen again.
587
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,032
I'm sorry.
588
00:20:19,122 --> 00:20:20,371
Thanks, Dad.
589
00:20:20,396 --> 00:20:21,794
Yeah, come on.
590
00:20:29,690 --> 00:20:31,878
I don't think he's going
to be back for a while.
591
00:20:33,199 --> 00:20:38,199
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
592
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:45,669
Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/5bb45
Help other users to choose the best subtitles40973
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.