Original subtitles

_

(LAUGHS): Bye! Thank you!

Of course we'll be back.

Now, listen, I don't want to make

too much of an overstatement here, but I think

we're the smartest people on the planet.

I have not felt this smart since

I cheated off of Vijay Patel on the SATs.

- Nice. - I mean, look at all this cash

we just made from returning our wedding gifts.

We didn't need any of that stuff in the first place.

I-I blame the scanning gun.

I went, like, full Charlie's Angels with that thing.

Now, instead of having a bunch of stuff,

- we have a bunch of money. - (BOTH LAUGH)

What do you want to do with it?

I don't know. Buy a bunch of stuff?

Oh, God, you're so smart.

Oh, God, you are such a genius.

Come here, come here, come here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(BOTH MOANING)

This is great, Mom.

The best.

You two are so full of energy.

Was it a sex morning?

That always gives me such a lift.

Oh, well, thank you for checking in,

but, no, we're just riding high on married life.

- We love married life. - Yeah.

Speaking of your wedding,

have you two enjoyed your new waffle maker?

Oh.

The one we got off your registry?

Well, we haven't tried it yet, but we are very excited.

Yeah, we're just, you know,

waiting for a special occasion

to break that Belgian bad boy open.

How about tomorrow?

We could have a waffle party.

Yeah, it's like a sausage party with less dudes.

Sounds great. We're in.

(CHUCKLES, COUGHS)

Great.

You guys make the waffles and the coffee and blueberries

and whipped cream and syrup,

and we'll just show up.

Yeah. Seems fair.

Okay. Yeah.

Come on, hurry up; they're gonna be here any second.

Okay. W-W-Wait. What, what?

We have to make it look like we actually cooked these.

Okay. Uh...

Well, that's not helping, and we don't have time.

Oh, oh, oh, I can Sharpie on grill marks.

- (KNOCKING) - JOAN: We're here!

Are you cursing us yet

for all the work it takes to host a brunch?

(LAUGHS)

Whoa, something smells good.

- Oh. - Mmm.

I think. I really haven't

been able to smell much since the '70s.

COLLEEN: Right.

JOAN: Oh, don't those look delicious.

They're so fluffy, like your hair.

- Oh. - (BOTH LAUGH)

How did you like the waffle maker?

It was great.

And?

Made waffles, as advertised.

Nothing else you want to say?

About what?

About the cash.

BOTH: What cash?

That was your real gift.

We stuffed the box with cash.

JOHN: A big wad of cash.

Mom, we returned that waffle maker.

Mm-hmm.

Why?

For the cash.

I told you we should've hid it

in a tampon box; nobody returns those.

I'm not having this discussion again.

Why didn't you just give us cash in a card like normal people?

You probably would've returned that, too, you cheap bastards.

It's got to be here somewhere.

It has a dent in it from where I kicked it in disbelief

that your parents gave us such a cheap wedding present.

Don't you dare bring up my rage issues right now.

I just don't understand. We literally just returned it.

Stop complaining, keep looking.

Oh, now you have advice?

After you returned everything before opening it?

Who knows how much cash could've been in any of those things?

My family does stupid stuff like this all the time.

Oh, don't get me started.

I know all about your dumb family.

You know what? You're right, we should just

be happy with the presents that your family gave us.

Wait a minute, they didn't give us any, unless of course

you count your mother's stupid shamanic blessing.

We both cried.

Keep opening boxes.

Mmm. All this talk of waffles got me in the mood.

I didn't know we had a waffle maker.

Well, they were on sale when I bought it for Matt and Colleen,

so I got two.

Oh!

Uh-oh.

No.

I gave them the wrong box.

We didn't do that.

They're gonna get a kick out of this.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You can't open all those, unless you plan on buying them.

Well, fine, we'll buy them.

- Yeah. - We'll buy all of them.

Yeah, in cash, once we find it.

_

WOMAN (OVER TV): Reach up, inhale.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(GROANS): Oh...

Could you keep your groaning down?

I'm trying to mope here.

I didn't even see you. What are you doing here?

Clementine has a date at our house.

- Oh. - They said I could stay,

but I found him pretty pedestrian.

So, I snuck out while they were in the shower.

Oh, honey.

Your living arrangement is a bummer.

Why don't you hang out with your friends?

No, now that they're in college,

all they want to talk about is partying.

Oh, yeah.

- It's so boring. - Mm-hmm.

They don't understand the complexities

of being a divorced homeowner.

Mm, yeah.

Well, who needs them?

You know what? I'll be your friend.

And...

I will make you a PB and J.

Hmm? It's like I'm your friend with benefits.

You can't be friends with your mom.

Oh, come on, sure you can.

We could just hang out and watch Netflix and chill.

You really don't get it.

Okay, come on, Tyler, give me a chance.

Okay? I'm fun.

Put your nice jeans on, we'll go to the mall.

Clementine is wearing our nice jeans... or was.

Well, you clean up real nice, pal.

You know, friends don't hit each other

as much as you think they do.

Okay, fine. I'm taking a mental note.

No hitting. No cleaning your face with my spit.

- No. - No asking if you have to tinkle.

That's a good start. Ready to go home?

(QUIETLY): Why? Do you have to tinkle?

No.

Good. 'Cause we have the whole day together, huh?

The whole day?

Yeah, it's gonna be fun!

Ow.

Ooh! Fun hair stuff.

Oh, Mom.

Have you ever dreamt of having straight hair?

Oh, I have, yes.

But, Tyler, have you ever dreamt of having straight hair?

Well, I mean, not this week, but of course.

This week, it's mostly been nightmares about my divorce.

When I get divorced, nothing makes me feel better

than long, straight, silky hair.

Let me show you.

Sorry, I would love to,

but I'm actually saving up for a new place.

Oh, honey, come on, listen.

If changing your look makes you feel better, then this is on me.

Okay... well, actually, it's on whoever

left their money in the ATM.

Hey, you know what I think we should do next?

Dye your hair.

I'm thinking not red.

Maybe one glass at a time, Mom.

Oh, honey.

These are not both for me.

- Wait, really? - Yeah.

But I'm not 21 for another two weeks.

Well, that sounds like a concern for a mom

and not a friend with rad hair.

- (CHUCKLES): Thanks. - BARTENDER: Here's that third

glass of wine you said you couldn't carry.

- HEATHER: Thank you. - There it is.

- That goes right here. - KIDDER: Tyler? Is that you?

Nice hair, dude.

You look like a Sesame Street character.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, what are you laughing at, Gabe?

I know how long you breast-fed for.

Most kids don't do that standing up.

- Ooh. - (KIDDER LAUGHS)

We're gonna be late to the movie,

but it was great to see you, man.

- All right. - Bye, Mrs. Hughes.

You can totally go with them if you want to.

No, I'd much rather hang out with you.

- Really? - Yeah.

That's what friends are for, right?

Oh, yay! (LAUGHS)

- All right, we're hitting again! - Ow!

So what's Permission Denied about?

I don't know, but PositiveReviews.com

calls it a winner.

Oh. I love PositiveReviews.com.

HEATHER: Me, too.

MAN (OVER SCREEN): Take a look around.

From chains to whips,

everything in this room can bring you

- both pleasure and pain. - (WOMAN MOANS ON SCREEN)

But you must choose.

WOMAN: (MOANS) I choose...

- HEATHER: Oh, God. - WOMAN: you.

- MAN: Permission. - (WHIP CRACKING, WOMAN MOANING)

WOMAN: Permission.

Okay, that's...

- WOMAN: Oh! - Oh.

MAN: Mother, may I?

What? God, that is his mother?

WOMAN: (MOANS) Permission.

(GROANS)

I'm so sorry.

I-I thought this was about a train assassin.

You know, if you don't want to finish watching...

No, no, no, honey, I think this friendship

- ends at a hard "R" rating. - Yeah.

- WOMAN: Permission! (MOANING) - Go, go, go!

_

Are you sure you can handle Lark for a whole night?

Of course. It'll be like having

a 30-pound bag of sugar to nibble on all night.

- (JEN CHUCKLES) - (LARK GIGGLES)

And this is the first night you've been away from her

since she was born.

Yeah, but maybe it's too soon.

- I don't know if we should do this. - Oh, no, honey...

What did I tell you about

trusting your maternal instincts?

Don't do it.

- Okay. - Come here.

Have a fun night with Mom-Mom, okay? We love you.

- Come on, let's go. - Yeah, where are we going?

We're gonna distract you while your parents leave.

- (EXHALES) - Not yet.

Not yet.

Yet?

- Not yet. - Okay.

Okay, now.

(BOTH WHOOPING LOUDLY)

Yeah!

- Yeah, baby! - Yeah!

We're free!

Oh, babe,

just like the good old days.

Like when we had nothing to argue about

except which route to take to avoid traffic.

Oh, remember that? (SCOFFS)

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

All right.

You're gonna turn up here.

What?

- This is the turn. - No, it's not.

- It's the next one. - Hmm?

It's the next one.

No, no. This is it.

Jen, it's the next... oh, shoot, you're right.

Whoo.

- We made it. - We did.

- Hey. - Mm-hmm.

To us, and us only.

Yes.

In fact, drinking game.

- Yeah. - Every time we realize

we don't have to take care of a child, we drink.

- Love it. - Okay.

So the porn channel's on the TV, and we don't have to change it.

- Drink. - Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

There's a knife by the fruit.

Yup.

And now it's by an electrical socket.

Okay, drink twice.

Wait, why twice?

Uh, 'cause I like to party.

Drink!

(SNORING)

Drink. Drink.

Babe?

Hey, what time is it?

Oh, Jen, wake up.

We passed out drunk.

It's 1:00 in the morning.

- What? - Wake up. We're sleeping through

the best night of our lives.

Oh, did we even have sex?

I don't know, let me check.

I guess not.

This was for you.

It was a surprise.

Still kind of is a surprise.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Excuse me, sir, sir, sir.

Hi. Uh, Short party of two.

I'm sorry, but we've been closed for hours.

Oh. Well, um, what time do you open?

A-Are we closer to that?

Or-or could we get room service?

Oh, our room service is excellent. You'll love it.

Fantastic!

But it doesn't start till breakfast.

Well, this isn't the worst thing that I've taken

off of a room service tray someone left in the hall.

Yeah, and much like this coleslaw,

this night is starting to turn.

What?

Hey.

- Mommy's got a playlist. - (SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)

Wow, wow, wow.

Mm-hmm.

- Okay. - Okay.

I pick up what you're laying down.

- You like it? - Yeah, I do.

(BABY CRYING)

Do you hear that, too?

Yeah, I hear it.

But you want to know what? Let's just ignore it.

- Okay. Yeah. - Let's ignore it. It's not our kid.

- Mm-hmm. (CLEARS THROAT) Okay. - Here we go.

(CHUCKLES)

- And we're back. - Yeah.

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

No, I can't.

- No. - Sorry. No, I can't.

I-I can't be in the mood

when there's a kid crying.

Greg, the whole point of this was to get away

from being parents, to get back into being a couple.

You're right. You want to know what?

I'm gonna go be the childless jerk

who goes over there and tells them to

"Keep it down!"

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

(SNIFFS)

(WHISPERS): Ow.

Hey.

Hey. There something we can do about this noise?

Because I'm trying to get drunk with my wife.

No, I'm-I'm really sorry. I know my little one's

making a lot of noise. She has an ear infection,

and-and I'm trying to get her to the hospital.

- Oh. Okay. - Yeah.

Well, if you're going to the hospital,

I guess that solves the noise problem.

Good luck.

Uh, but-but, you know, I-I actually

don't know what to do with my three-year-old.

She's terrified of hospitals.

Yeah, well, we're all terrified of something.

For me, it's Pat Sajak.

I don't want to go to a hospital.

That where Daddy died.

Oh, dude.

(SIGHS)

GREG: Hey, honey.

Good news, bad news.

Good news is I got the crying to stop.

Do you want to guess what the bad news is?

Greg, who's this?

This is Lucia.

Who is going to be staying with us until her mom gets back.

This sounds like a super fun way for the two of us

to spend our one night alone, just the two of us.

Okay. Hi, Lucia.

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh...

I'm gonna go change out of my special jammies,

and then we're gonna get you settled down to sleep.

I sleep during the day.

Course you do.

Okay, Lucia, remember, you promised me you were gonna

stop jumping and lay down and-and close your eyes.

What happened?

I lied.

- You lied. - Yeah.

Ugh, why are you jumping on the bed?

Because it's fun.

Oh, all right.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, okay.

(SIGHS)

At least the bed's getting some kind of action.

Yeah.

Freestyle!

(GROANS): Oh! Uh-oh.

This is how you play Ding Dong Ditch.

(QUIETLY): All right, ready?

One, two, three, go. Quick, go!

Go, go, go, go, go. In there, in there, in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey. - Hmm?

Remember when you said you always wanted to do a three-way?

Uh, that was you, but go on.

Well, this isn't it.

(SIGHS)

Oh, they're so cute when they're sleeping.

(SIGHS): Oh, man.

Well, that was just like staying home with Lark,

except it cost us $400.

You think we'll ever get back to being who we were

before we had kids?

Yeah, but we'll be too old to enjoy it.

You know what, though?

We may suck at being carefree and childless,

but we are good at being parents.

All right, don't worry, Lucia,

we're gonna find your mommy, okay?

She's got to be at one of these hospitals.

- (PHONE BEEPS) - Oh, Amber Alert.

Greg, what is your license plate number?

Huh?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

_

(TV PLAYING QUIETLY, SAMANTHA LAUGHS)

Yeah, I heard Mr. Henkels is living in his car.

Yeah, Mrs. Henkels kicked him out

because he gambled away the Relay For Life money.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, Sam. Who's your new friend?

Uh, Ryan, this is my dad and my grandfather,

and you know Sophia.

Hi.

You guys want to join us?

We're watching some dumb crap

that John picked because apparently it's his damn house,

and he gets to choose what we watch.

No, we're going to go study.

Ah, very good.

Education, that's what separates us from the apes.

(TIM CHUCKLES)

Though they don't wear pants, so...

maybe they know something we don't.

Well, it was nice meeting you all.

TIM: Mm.

You're just gonna let her waltz up there with that man?

I mean, he looks older than I do.

Eh, it's the hormones in the chicken.

All 14-year-olds look like that now.

He's actually the senior class president,

and he used to date Gina Tortellini.

How do you know all that?

I ask questions.

Is that the Tortellini girl that had the twins?

Yup.

How do you know all that?

Oh, I ask questions.

Ah, he seems like a nice enough study partner.

Hmm?

That dude's only going upstairs

to study your daughter's downstairs.

John!

Sam is a good girl, and if she says

she's going upstairs to study, then that's what she's doing.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah, studying his wanger bar.

Hit me with another one.

If I tell Sam she can't have a boy in her room,

then she's just gonna want it even more,

and I'm not gonna be that kind of dad.

So, I'm gonna let them study in peace.

Oy, study his piece.

(CHUCKLES)

(SPORTSCAST PLAYING OVER TV)

(SAMANTHA AND RYAN LAUGHING UPSTAIRS)

Lot of giggling up there.

Not worried about it, John.

They were giggling when they came in. They're funny.

Besides, I'll take giggling over silence any day.

It's awful quiet up there.

No, John, that's what happens when you giggle too long,

then you need to take a little break, catch your breath,

so you can... start giggling again.

Here, I'll tickle you.

Don't touch me.

See? Now we're quiet.

Uh-huh.

- (SIGHS) - Where you going?

I left my curling iron on.

Idiot.

All right, look, I need you to sneak in there,

just super casual, drop off the snacks,

and then look for signs of...

Wh-What is it you think boys and girls do again?

Hug?

Right.

Look for signs of hugging.

Hey, you ever notice all these pictures are of Sam and Matt?

You nervous about something?

Nope. Just waiting for Sophia.

She's upstairs...

unplugging the curling iron.

Really? Because she just left with Joanie for the store.

What?

Damn it.

She's a double agent.

- (ALARM BEEPING) - Oh, geez.

Dad, what are you doing?

Hey, guys. I was, uh...

- just testing this. - (ALARM STOPS)

(CHUCKLES)

Your mom would get pretty upset with me

if I burned another house down, right?

(LAUGHS) But it works, so...

(ALARM BEEPING)

(SAMANTHA AND RYAN GROAN)

(ALARM STOPS)

What are you guys doing in there?

Uh, we're just running lines to audition for the play.

Oh, an actor, huh?

Oh, I do a little acting, too.

Sometimes I'm a real nice guy,

and sometimes I can be real mean.

I'm just kidding. See, I was just doing it.

Acting, very simple. Right?

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Dad.

Guys, come on, we're having a moment!

(DOOR CLOSES)

How are things going upstairs?

Am I a great-grandfather yet?

No, because they're not doing anything wrong.

Samantha's a good kid, and I trust her.

Ah, I think you may be right.

I was just thinking, back when I was a teenage boy,

I used to tell the moms that we were practicing for a play.

I was the cat and she was the hot tin roof.

But I can't speak for all men.

Y-You were probably different back in that age.

"Diddler on the Roof" was another one.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Sam!

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) Dad!

Oops, sorry.

Wrong house, uh, room.

(CHUCKLES)

Sophia! Why did you tell me to come up here?!

Sorry.

What?

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

I can't believe this.

You barged in there because you don't trust me.

What do you think we were doing in there?

I don't know. Your Pop-Pop was saying all kinds of weird stuff.

Samantha!

(DOOR CLOSES)

They're not doing anything, just like I said.

So, congratulations on making me

the kind of parent I didn't want to be.

Well, we all end up being

the kind of parent we don't want to be.

That's what being a parent is.

No, I don't buy it.

I'm done acting like you.

I'm gonna go act like me.

(SIGHS)

Yeah?

I owe you an apology.

I'm listening.

I stopped trusting you,

and I promised myself that I would never do that.

So, won't happen again.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, come on.

I don't think he's going to be back for a while.

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