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Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
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_
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Jen: Greg speaks so fondly
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about you taking care of
him when he was a child.
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I got to admit,
I had a big crush on you.
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Yeah.
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So I'm heading back to
work, and we're looking
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just to find the right
person to take care of Lark.
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And i don't know
if you remember this,
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but, uh... I found
little Toot Toot.
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Did I toot?
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I'm sorry.
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Uh, no, no.
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Uh, little Toot Toot's his name.
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You-you gave him to me.
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- Remember?
- Okay.
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Uh, so w-we'll just... we'll talk it over
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and come to a decision,
19
00:00:41,633 --> 00:00:45,946
and we will... telegram you.
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JEN: Oh, you're
so great with Lark.
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- Thank you so much.
- Of course.
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Um, and we'll just...
we'll, uh, be in touch.
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Great, I'm doing a
humanitarian outreach trip
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next week in Haiti,
25
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but I'll be available
any time after that, so...
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Great. How cool. Okay, wow.
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- Thank you guys so much.
- (laughing): Okay, all right.
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Talk to you soon.
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JEN: Bye.
30
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Well?
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I'm so sorry.
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I cannot believe that
she would come on to me
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in front of you like that.
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Back up. What?
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Yeah, did you see her?
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She gave me one of these.
37
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- She looked down and then up?
- Yes.
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- Oh.
- Did you see it?
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Maybe.
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She also gave me one of these.
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I could not believe she did this.
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She went...
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Yeah.
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Well, that's sensual.
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- And that was...
- Yeah.
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- I mean...
- She had her eye on the prize.
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I'm not gonna spend
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the next three years
fighting that woman off.
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No.
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I didn't ask to look like this.
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No, I didn't ask for you
to look like that either.
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So excited about this one.
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The agency said it's
their favorite candidate.
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Okay.
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- Hi... Oh, no, no, no, no.
- BERNADETTE: W-W-W-Wait...
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- Wait, w-w-w-wait, please, please.
- No, no.
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- Oh, hell, no...
- wait, wait, please.
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Please, we heard through the grapevine
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you're in need of expert child care.
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And we are specialists in the field.
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You're lactation specialists,
and the last time we saw you,
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- you were stealing our baby formula.
- Yeah.
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So you do concede that we're specialists.
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- Uh, get out.
- No.
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00:02:02,724 --> 00:02:04,624
No, please, please, give us two minutes
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to explain why we are the best
people to raise your child.
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We need money.
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We are very, very desperate for money.
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We tried to sell my eggs.
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But...
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there... there were none.
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Okay, well, not the strongest opener.
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We're great with kids,
so... goo-goo-ga-ga.
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BERNADETTE: We speak their language.
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(imitates baby fussing)
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(imitates baby cooing)
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- (imitates baby gag)
- We actually...
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we spend two hours a day as babies.
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- Two hours?
- TEDDY: Mm-hmm.
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(imitates baby cooing)
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Um, uh, you can definitely
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- stop speaking tha-that language.
- Yeah.
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Um, and we're not gonna hire you.
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Uh, and that's obvious.
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So you can just save your breath.
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Not gonna happen.
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We get it... we totally understand.
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Just one small wrinkle.
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GREG: Hmm?
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Could we borrow a thousand dollars?
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00:02:51,139 --> 00:02:52,671
- No.
- No.
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00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,273
Could we sleep on your couch?
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00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:57,109
- No.
- I think we've given you a lot to chew on.
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- JEN: Yep.
- So we'll leave you with that.
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And... possibly see you Monday.
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- BOTH: No.
- BERNADETTE: No?
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GREG: Tonita,
thank you for coming.
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JEN: Colleen speaks
so highly of you.
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00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,622
We've just never left Lark with anyone
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00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,090
for more than a few hours,
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so th-this is kind of a...
a big adjustment for us.
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I promise I will treat her like my child.
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Okay.
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May I?
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Um... yeah, okay.
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Okay, come on, Lark.
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(speaks playfully in Spanish)
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I guess we-we'll just...
go run some errands
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and let you two get to know each other.
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- Okay.
- Okay.
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All right, and we're leaving.
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Okay.
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And come on, let's go.
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Let's go.
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Uh, come on.
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Here we go, and we're walking.
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Good.
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Greg.
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What's the matter? She seems great.
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She smells like a rain forest.
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How do I know she's gonna make
the same decisions I would make?
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Would I make the same
decisions you would make?
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00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,768
- No.
- But you trust me with our kid?
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Ye... yes.
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00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,807
- So let's just give her a shot, okay?
- Okay. All right.
126
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:02,677
- Give her a chance.
- Okay, I'm... yeah.
127
00:04:02,797 --> 00:04:03,857
I'm gonna... I'm gonna trust her.
128
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,310
- Okay, we're leaving.
- JEN: Okay.
129
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:06,478
- We're leaving.
- Bye.
130
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,479
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
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- Bye, baby.
- Bye, Lark.
132
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:09,447
- Okay, bye.
- Bye-bye.
133
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:10,482
- Come on.
- Bye.
134
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:11,917
- Let's go.
- Oh, oh, oh.
135
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:12,754
I think I might have forgotten something.
136
00:04:12,874 --> 00:04:13,459
No, you didn't, you didn't.
137
00:04:13,579 --> 00:04:14,638
- It's my baby, y... okay.
- No, you didn't.
138
00:04:14,758 --> 00:04:15,850
You're fine.
139
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,223
GREG: Ooh, boy.
140
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:19,612
I think we found our nanny.
141
00:04:19,965 --> 00:04:22,409
Tonita was singing
little baby Lark to sleep,
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- and I woke up two hours later.
- Oh, yeah?
143
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:28,533
Was she singing about
her time in the big house?
144
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:31,503
- What?
- Ran a background check on Tonita.
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00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:34,205
Turns out she was arrested.
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Okay, come on. Look.
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She-she was arrested decades ago,
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00:04:39,805 --> 00:04:41,823
protesting the Vietnam War at a sit-in.
149
00:04:41,943 --> 00:04:43,781
Yeah, well, know what that means?
150
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:44,575
Lazy.
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00:04:44,928 --> 00:04:47,562
I mean, if she was a go-getter,
she would have been at a march.
152
00:04:47,682 --> 00:04:49,711
We need to talk.
153
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,419
I run a background check on you,
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and it says you've been arrested.
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BOTH: What?
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00:04:55,374 --> 00:04:57,667
I always check my
families... I don't know
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00:04:57,787 --> 00:05:00,465
what you crazy white
people keep in your closets.
158
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,800
Okay, wait a minute, time-out.
You were arrested?
159
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,435
She show her boobies to police officer.
160
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,871
I was in college, I had too much to drink,
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00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:08,673
and, honestly, if you would
have seen them back then,
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00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,007
you would have shown 'em off, too.
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The Internet never forgets.
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Wait, so you ran a background check on me.
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Wow.
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That is the same decision I...
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00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,520
would have made if I were...
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00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:27,191
the type of person who did
background checks on people.
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00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:30,628
Tonita, we would love to offer you the job.
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00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:32,363
I mean, if you still want it.
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- Oh, I would be honored.
- JEN (laughing): Oh.
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00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,200
Good.
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00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:37,235
Yay.
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00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:39,303
Aw...
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00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,227
_
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That was a great show.
177
00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:49,238
- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:05:49,358 --> 00:05:51,089
Now we get to sleep out here in a field.
179
00:05:51,209 --> 00:05:52,510
Anything's better than the garage.
180
00:05:53,337 --> 00:05:56,053
You guys want to try some
homemade apple and onion wine?
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00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:58,064
- No, I think I'm gonna pass, man.
- I'm good with my beer.
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Secret ingredient is antacid tablets.
183
00:06:00,326 --> 00:06:02,226
You put 'em in there
for a preemptive strike.
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00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:03,360
(belches)
185
00:06:03,386 --> 00:06:05,062
Doesn't really seem like it's working.
186
00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:06,110
Ah, tell you something, guys,
187
00:06:06,230 --> 00:06:07,168
I really love Tom Petty,
188
00:06:07,288 --> 00:06:08,843
but he is starting to look more and more
189
00:06:08,963 --> 00:06:10,728
- like a lesbian scarecrow.
- (laughs)
190
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:12,325
Look at you in that cool chair, man.
191
00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:13,663
- You look cool.
- Yeah.
192
00:06:13,783 --> 00:06:15,371
- Let me try that cool chair.
- You want in? Here you go.
193
00:06:15,491 --> 00:06:17,140
- Let me try it.
- Go for it.
194
00:06:17,142 --> 00:06:18,575
- GREG: All right, real quick.
- Yeah.
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00:06:18,577 --> 00:06:19,543
Best song of the night.
196
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:20,711
- Oh, by...
- Go.
197
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,112
Undoubtedly, "Won't Back Down."
198
00:06:22,114 --> 00:06:24,085
- No, "Running Down a Dream."
- MATT: No way.
199
00:06:24,205 --> 00:06:26,516
Come on, you guys got to put
aside your petty differences.
200
00:06:26,518 --> 00:06:28,585
- (Tim laughs)
- Oh, that's good.
201
00:06:28,587 --> 00:06:31,121
Congratulations, you're officially a dad.
202
00:06:31,123 --> 00:06:33,190
I've been sitting on that one
since the drive up yesterday.
203
00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:34,257
TIM: (grunts) I got it.
204
00:06:34,259 --> 00:06:36,193
- I got it... ooh...
- ALL: Oh!
205
00:06:36,195 --> 00:06:38,462
Oh, and we got a piper down.
206
00:06:38,464 --> 00:06:40,730
It reclines! (chuckles)
207
00:06:40,732 --> 00:06:43,024
Well, this dad is gonna get
his first full night's sleep
208
00:06:43,144 --> 00:06:43,873
since he was arrested.
209
00:06:43,993 --> 00:06:46,803
What? No. No, no, no,
no, this is boys weekend.
210
00:06:46,805 --> 00:06:47,980
We are not going the whole weekend
211
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:50,273
without taking our shirts
off. Shirt off, Greg.
212
00:06:50,275 --> 00:06:52,909
Tim, Tim, until we need a light
source, you keep your shirt on.
213
00:06:52,911 --> 00:06:55,278
My arms and my neck are tan.
214
00:06:55,285 --> 00:06:55,869
They're pink.
215
00:06:55,989 --> 00:06:57,126
Well, they get tan next.
216
00:06:57,246 --> 00:06:58,815
I'm like Neapolitan ice cream.
217
00:06:58,817 --> 00:07:02,419
It's vanilla, then
strawberry, and then chocolate.
218
00:07:02,421 --> 00:07:04,788
MAN: We got a tent dive!
219
00:07:04,790 --> 00:07:06,823
Oh, no!
220
00:07:06,825 --> 00:07:08,491
(cheering and laughter)
221
00:07:08,493 --> 00:07:09,926
MAN 2: What are you doing?
222
00:07:09,928 --> 00:07:11,094
(cheering continues)
223
00:07:11,096 --> 00:07:12,562
You're right, we should go to bed.
224
00:07:12,564 --> 00:07:14,330
- Yeah, getting late.
- Let's help each other up.
225
00:07:14,332 --> 00:07:15,765
Come on.
226
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:17,800
Come on, Tim, stop goofing around.
227
00:07:17,802 --> 00:07:20,236
(indistinct chatter)
228
00:07:20,238 --> 00:07:21,938
Hey, we got any of that gorp left?
229
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:23,606
GREG: I don't know. Just get in, okay?
230
00:07:25,342 --> 00:07:27,443
BOTH: Double tent dive!
231
00:07:27,445 --> 00:07:29,145
- WOMAN: Ow!
- Get off me.
232
00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:30,813
This is the best night ever!
233
00:07:30,815 --> 00:07:32,782
(groaning)
234
00:07:32,784 --> 00:07:34,817
I'm gonna fight someone tonight!
235
00:07:39,456 --> 00:07:40,623
Is that really how you sleep, man?
236
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:42,692
No, but you said I got to keep a shirt on.
237
00:07:42,694 --> 00:07:44,594
Oh! I saw tip.
238
00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:46,529
- I'm sorry.
- I saw tip.
239
00:07:46,531 --> 00:07:47,897
Oh, my gosh, I think I forgot
240
00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:49,899
my battery pack for my apnea machine.
241
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:52,535
- Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa, no!
- I know, what am I gonna do?
242
00:07:52,537 --> 00:07:54,203
- Just get in the...
- Just get in the sleeping bag, man.
243
00:07:54,205 --> 00:07:55,638
That's all you got to do.
244
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:56,672
Don't worry about it.
245
00:07:56,674 --> 00:07:58,407
I'm so glad you guys are my brothers.
246
00:07:58,409 --> 00:08:00,343
BOTH: In-law.
247
00:08:00,345 --> 00:08:03,579
MAN: Who wants a tent dive?!
248
00:08:03,581 --> 00:08:05,247
MAN 2: Yeah, let's get that tent!
249
00:08:05,249 --> 00:08:07,550
Which tent? Which tent? Our tent?
250
00:08:07,552 --> 00:08:09,218
- Whose tent? Whose tent?
- I don't know.
251
00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:10,553
Tent dive!
252
00:08:10,555 --> 00:08:11,987
(bellowing)
253
00:08:11,989 --> 00:08:13,222
Boom!
254
00:08:13,224 --> 00:08:14,290
That sounded like it hurt.
255
00:08:14,292 --> 00:08:15,658
WOMAN: Ow, that hurt!
256
00:08:15,660 --> 00:08:18,227
I told you. It's the ear of a doctor.
257
00:08:18,229 --> 00:08:19,628
- Yeah!
- WOMAN: Guys, get out of here.
258
00:08:19,630 --> 00:08:21,497
Off the top rung!
259
00:08:21,499 --> 00:08:22,665
Jerk!
260
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:25,200
Yeah, in your face!
261
00:08:25,202 --> 00:08:26,468
- Greg.
- What?
262
00:08:26,470 --> 00:08:29,305
It's the Franklin brothers all over again.
263
00:08:29,307 --> 00:08:31,740
BOTH: Totally.
264
00:08:33,243 --> 00:08:35,077
(whispering): Who are
the Franklin brothers?
265
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,678
They were these bullies
from our neighborhood
266
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,247
that used to torture us.
267
00:08:38,249 --> 00:08:39,548
They used to chase after us
268
00:08:39,550 --> 00:08:41,450
when we'd ride our bikes
around the neighborhood.
269
00:08:41,452 --> 00:08:43,986
I have flashbacks whenever
I go to a spin class.
270
00:08:43,988 --> 00:08:45,687
They're the reason we're
so good at video games.
271
00:08:45,689 --> 00:08:47,456
They made us indoor kids.
272
00:08:47,458 --> 00:08:49,825
BOTH: Up, up, down, down, left, right,
273
00:08:49,827 --> 00:08:51,827
left, right, B, A, select, start.
274
00:08:51,829 --> 00:08:53,762
Yeah, I get it, brothers.
275
00:08:53,764 --> 00:08:56,999
Yeah, you know, I looked
exactly like this when I was 13,
276
00:08:57,001 --> 00:08:58,767
so I got bullied a lot, too,
277
00:08:59,702 --> 00:09:01,169
Balding kids got it rough
278
00:09:01,171 --> 00:09:02,938
in middle school.
279
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,241
Tent dive!
280
00:09:06,243 --> 00:09:07,776
Here comes the..
281
00:09:07,778 --> 00:09:10,112
They're tormenting an entire campsite,
282
00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:11,279
and nobody's doing anything.
283
00:09:11,281 --> 00:09:12,581
GREG: Yes, I know.
284
00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:14,282
Guys, we got to do something.
285
00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:16,651
I do not want to go out
there and get in a fight.
286
00:09:16,653 --> 00:09:17,752
I just want to sleep.
287
00:09:17,754 --> 00:09:19,120
I've never been in a fight.
288
00:09:19,122 --> 00:09:20,422
I have.
289
00:09:20,424 --> 00:09:22,691
Yes, it was a dance fight. I won.
290
00:09:22,693 --> 00:09:24,893
No one wins in a dance fight.
291
00:09:24,895 --> 00:09:26,328
Well, if we're going out
there, I got a little something
292
00:09:26,330 --> 00:09:29,798
in my medical kit that'll
stack the odds in our favor.
293
00:09:30,733 --> 00:09:32,233
Heroin? Yeah, sure.
294
00:09:32,235 --> 00:09:33,735
No, it's vitamin B12 shots.
295
00:09:33,737 --> 00:09:35,336
It'll give us a nice natural boost,
296
00:09:35,338 --> 00:09:38,273
like sending back a sandwich
or sleeping without pants on.
297
00:09:38,275 --> 00:09:40,266
- Yeah, I'm in.
- Okay, yeah, me, too.
298
00:09:40,386 --> 00:09:41,400
All right, gentlemen, butts up.
299
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:42,116
Oh, come on...
300
00:09:42,236 --> 00:09:43,411
- you can't give it to me in my arm...
- Do my arm.
301
00:09:43,413 --> 00:09:44,188
- like an adult?
- Butts up.
302
00:09:44,308 --> 00:09:45,647
I'm the doctor.
303
00:09:45,649 --> 00:09:46,948
(sighs)
304
00:09:49,251 --> 00:09:51,686
It's weird. I haven't gone
double-gun since medical school.
305
00:09:51,688 --> 00:09:53,922
Yeah, do you really think it's
a good idea for you to do...
306
00:09:53,924 --> 00:09:56,124
- Oh!
- Full moon fever.
307
00:09:56,126 --> 00:09:58,259
(sighs) Whew! Okay.
308
00:09:58,261 --> 00:09:59,560
Who wants to do my butt?
309
00:09:59,562 --> 00:10:00,762
Matt does.
310
00:10:00,764 --> 00:10:02,230
MATT: All right.
311
00:10:02,232 --> 00:10:04,899
Ah, that's it.
312
00:10:04,901 --> 00:10:05,967
Whew, I feel good.
313
00:10:05,969 --> 00:10:07,435
Is this how everyone feels all the time?
314
00:10:07,437 --> 00:10:08,636
I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
315
00:10:08,638 --> 00:10:09,804
but I kind of feel like
taking my shirt off.
316
00:10:09,806 --> 00:10:11,472
I won't back down.
317
00:10:12,494 --> 00:10:13,608
Come on.
318
00:10:14,257 --> 00:10:15,160
All right.
319
00:10:15,370 --> 00:10:16,777
Let's save this tent city.
320
00:10:16,779 --> 00:10:18,045
This is great.
321
00:10:18,047 --> 00:10:19,814
I always wanted my first
fight to be with you guys.
322
00:10:19,816 --> 00:10:21,148
Okay, we are gonna go out there
323
00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:22,583
and we are gonna rewrite history.
324
00:10:22,585 --> 00:10:25,253
Yeah, we're gonna go avenge
our younger wussie selves.
325
00:10:25,255 --> 00:10:27,388
This happens right now!
326
00:10:27,390 --> 00:10:28,489
I wish we had capes.
327
00:10:28,491 --> 00:10:29,690
I wish I had pants.
328
00:10:29,692 --> 00:10:31,192
I wish I had more B12.
329
00:10:31,194 --> 00:10:32,994
(bellowing)
330
00:10:34,629 --> 00:10:35,763
There they are!
331
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,231
They're the guys that were tent diving!
332
00:10:37,233 --> 00:10:38,032
Oh, no.
333
00:10:38,034 --> 00:10:39,133
Let's get 'em!
334
00:10:39,135 --> 00:10:40,134
Come on!
335
00:10:40,136 --> 00:10:41,302
Greg!
336
00:10:41,304 --> 00:10:42,503
Dance, Matt!
337
00:10:42,505 --> 00:10:44,004
I don't have a beat!
338
00:10:44,006 --> 00:10:45,406
Go!
339
00:10:47,236 --> 00:10:49,610
I thought we agreed not to give him money.
340
00:10:49,612 --> 00:10:51,679
He didn't give me money;
he gave me a belt buckle
341
00:10:51,681 --> 00:10:53,480
he said was worth $75.
342
00:10:53,482 --> 00:10:55,416
Kenny Rogers got a DUI in that buckle.
343
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,540
_
344
00:11:01,329 --> 00:11:02,796
All right, I'm out of here.
345
00:11:02,798 --> 00:11:04,631
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
346
00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:05,599
What's that?
347
00:11:05,601 --> 00:11:06,834
It's just an emergency kit.
348
00:11:06,836 --> 00:11:08,168
Anything you might need
on a senior camping trip.
349
00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:10,007
There's matches, sunscreen,
350
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:11,257
one of those things that shatters glass,
351
00:11:11,377 --> 00:11:12,634
in case your car goes into the lake
352
00:11:12,754 --> 00:11:13,550
and you're trapped and can't get out.
353
00:11:13,670 --> 00:11:14,523
Mom, stop.
354
00:11:14,552 --> 00:11:15,876
Just take it so I don't worry.
355
00:11:15,878 --> 00:11:17,144
If I took it, you'd still worry,
356
00:11:17,146 --> 00:11:19,112
and I'd be the dweeb with
the mommy safety sack.
357
00:11:19,114 --> 00:11:21,415
- Fine.
- Love you.
358
00:11:21,417 --> 00:11:22,683
I love you.
359
00:11:22,685 --> 00:11:23,817
See you later, Uncle Matt.
360
00:11:23,819 --> 00:11:25,385
- Have fun camping.
- Hey.
361
00:11:25,387 --> 00:11:26,586
You really going camping?
362
00:11:26,588 --> 00:11:28,121
- No.
- Have fun camping.
363
00:11:28,123 --> 00:11:30,724
Thank you so much for
letting me borrow your car.
364
00:11:30,726 --> 00:11:32,793
No problem. I apologize for the smell.
365
00:11:32,795 --> 00:11:34,161
Oh, and the stereo's not working.
366
00:11:34,163 --> 00:11:35,762
Tim's Iron Maiden CD got stuck in there.
367
00:11:35,764 --> 00:11:37,531
He tried to pry it out with a crayon.
368
00:11:37,533 --> 00:11:38,832
- Okay.
- And, um,
369
00:11:38,834 --> 00:11:40,634
just a little something extra.
370
00:11:40,636 --> 00:11:42,302
Oh, no, Heather, no, no,
no, I don't need this.
371
00:11:42,304 --> 00:11:44,304
You do, you do, you have
job interviews next week,
372
00:11:44,306 --> 00:11:46,640
and you might need a new suit
or briefcase or something.
373
00:11:46,642 --> 00:11:49,242
I didn't realize I was
interviewing for a job in 1985.
374
00:11:49,244 --> 00:11:50,310
Just take it so I don't worry.
375
00:11:50,312 --> 00:11:51,277
Okay.
376
00:11:51,279 --> 00:11:52,712
Oh, and this, too, for emergencies.
377
00:11:52,714 --> 00:11:54,514
Thank you.
378
00:11:54,516 --> 00:11:56,583
(sports announcer speaking
indistinctly on TV)
379
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:58,284
And I couldn't press charges against them
380
00:11:58,286 --> 00:11:59,853
because apparently, in
Florida it's not illegal
381
00:11:59,855 --> 00:12:01,721
to put an alligator in someone's bed.
382
00:12:01,723 --> 00:12:03,823
Oh, man, I love Florida.
383
00:12:03,825 --> 00:12:05,735
The whole state's like one
of those restaurants where
384
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,794
- you can throw peanut shells on the floor.
- Yeah.
385
00:12:08,596 --> 00:12:10,597
- Oh, your earrings are so pretty.
- Yeah.
386
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,966
Oh, thanks, Matt got 'em
for me this afternoon.
387
00:12:12,968 --> 00:12:14,465
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Oh. Oh, did he?
388
00:12:14,585 --> 00:12:15,869
He got those for you today?
389
00:12:15,870 --> 00:12:17,170
Like, noon?
390
00:12:17,172 --> 00:12:19,772
And then after, he gave
you those big earrings. Wow.
391
00:12:19,774 --> 00:12:22,208
Wow, must be getting serious.
392
00:12:22,210 --> 00:12:23,076
I think so. (chuckles)
393
00:12:23,078 --> 00:12:24,544
Unless he cheated.
394
00:12:24,546 --> 00:12:26,813
But honestly, if he did, it's a fair trade.
395
00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:29,649
I-I think a little more
wine, 'cause I like wine.
396
00:12:29,650 --> 00:12:30,150
And you...
397
00:12:30,151 --> 00:12:31,150
- can you help me in the kitchen right now?
- Okay.
398
00:12:31,152 --> 00:12:33,586
- Please? Let's go. Come on.
- Okay.
399
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:38,157
I gave Matt some money this morning
400
00:12:38,159 --> 00:12:39,458
to help him out with a job interview,
401
00:12:39,460 --> 00:12:40,626
and now she has new earrings.
402
00:12:40,628 --> 00:12:42,195
Wait, Matt asked you for money?
403
00:12:42,197 --> 00:12:44,931
No, but I knew that he knew
that I knew he wanted to ask me.
404
00:12:44,933 --> 00:12:46,132
It's a sister thing.
405
00:12:46,134 --> 00:12:47,333
Does Greg give him money?
406
00:12:47,335 --> 00:12:48,367
No, 'cause you won't let him.
407
00:12:48,369 --> 00:12:49,368
Everybody knows that.
408
00:12:49,370 --> 00:12:50,536
I never said that.
409
00:12:50,538 --> 00:12:51,971
What else does Greg say I don't let him do?
410
00:12:51,973 --> 00:12:53,606
Um, ride a tandem bicycle,
411
00:12:53,608 --> 00:12:56,342
wear overalls and buy
a stormtrooper costume.
412
00:12:56,344 --> 00:12:58,144
Only one of those things is true,
413
00:12:58,146 --> 00:12:59,912
but two of them should be.
414
00:12:59,914 --> 00:13:01,547
Interception!
415
00:13:01,549 --> 00:13:03,482
Yes!
416
00:13:03,484 --> 00:13:06,252
(sports announcer speaking
indistinctly on TV)
417
00:13:06,254 --> 00:13:08,287
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
418
00:13:08,289 --> 00:13:09,688
Yeah, I-I can't do this. Hi.
419
00:13:09,690 --> 00:13:10,956
- Hello.
- Hi.
420
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,392
Did he tell you that I gave him the money
421
00:13:13,394 --> 00:13:14,560
to buy you those earrings?
422
00:13:14,562 --> 00:13:16,295
- Uh...
- No, he did not tell me that.
423
00:13:16,297 --> 00:13:17,596
I-I don't care,
424
00:13:17,598 --> 00:13:19,565
it's just that I-I need you to know that.
425
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:21,500
So, I, yeah, I guess
I do care a little bit.
426
00:13:21,502 --> 00:13:23,302
Heather, I didn't use your money on those.
427
00:13:23,304 --> 00:13:24,937
Did you use what I gave you?
428
00:13:24,939 --> 00:13:26,972
I thought we agreed not to give him money.
429
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,307
You gave him money?
430
00:13:28,309 --> 00:13:30,342
- N-No.
- No, he didn't give me money.
431
00:13:30,344 --> 00:13:33,779
He gave me a belt buckle
he said was worth $75.
432
00:13:33,781 --> 00:13:36,615
Kenny Rogers got a DUI in that buckle.
433
00:13:36,617 --> 00:13:37,950
I didn't give him any money.
434
00:13:37,952 --> 00:13:40,319
And why is that? And before you answer,
435
00:13:40,321 --> 00:13:42,654
just know that I know.
436
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:46,291
Do you know that I want
a stormtrooper outfit?
437
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,427
I'm also aware of that, yes.
438
00:13:48,429 --> 00:13:51,129
Heather, those are my earrings
from my Billy Idol phase.
439
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:52,397
Remember?
440
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:53,598
(grunts)
441
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,267
Oh, yes, I... now
that you say it,
442
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:57,369
I remember, oh...
443
00:13:57,371 --> 00:13:59,071
I don't take your money
because I need it.
444
00:13:59,073 --> 00:14:02,174
I take your money because
you need me to take it.
445
00:14:02,176 --> 00:14:04,943
(laughs) That-that is not true.
446
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:07,512
- No, honey, that's true.
- Even I know that.
447
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:08,980
Okay, y-yes, that's true.
448
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:11,316
But it's only because I worry about you.
449
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:12,951
And I need to know that you're okay.
450
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:16,154
I'm gr... I'm great!
Look, look, okay.
451
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,822
You know what? I was gonna wait until Greg
452
00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,591
had some news that I
could one-up, but he's...
453
00:14:19,593 --> 00:14:20,925
He's got nothing.
454
00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:22,427
I might get a stormtrooper outfit.
455
00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:24,729
Nothing. So, I got a job today.
456
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:28,033
(all cheering)
457
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,468
It's at a graphic design company.
458
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:31,636
It's in my field, and you know,
459
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:33,138
for a group of nerds,
460
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,339
they actually seem like
they're pretty cool.
461
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,007
I'm so happy you got a job,
462
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,942
because it sounds like
there's no cute girls there.
463
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:40,278
In graphic design? None.
464
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,413
- To Matt!
- Yes! Yay!
465
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,415
May your new job
466
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,550
bring you great joy
467
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,352
and a new place to live.
468
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:48,419
ALL: Hear, hear!
469
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,154
All right.
470
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:52,957
There's somebody I want you to meet.
471
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:56,361
Uh, someone that I'm hoping
you'll welcome into the family.
472
00:14:58,163 --> 00:14:59,230
(all gasp)
473
00:15:02,454 --> 00:15:04,154
_
474
00:15:05,651 --> 00:15:07,022
Why did he call all of us here?
475
00:15:07,142 --> 00:15:08,051
Do you think he's sick?
476
00:15:08,171 --> 00:15:08,920
I don't know, it's big.
477
00:15:08,922 --> 00:15:10,388
Mom has wine in her coffee mug.
478
00:15:10,508 --> 00:15:12,182
So do I. Do you want some?
479
00:15:12,392 --> 00:15:13,658
- I thought you'd never ask.
- Mm-hmm.
480
00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:16,618
Kids, there's somebody I want you to meet.
481
00:15:16,738 --> 00:15:19,731
Uh, someone that I'm hoping
you'll welcome into the family.
482
00:15:19,733 --> 00:15:21,833
He's got another kid. I knew
it! I've always known it.
483
00:15:22,035 --> 00:15:23,534
My dad makes the same announcement
484
00:15:23,536 --> 00:15:24,969
every couple of years.
485
00:15:24,971 --> 00:15:26,270
Christmas is getting very expensive.
486
00:15:26,272 --> 00:15:27,572
(laughs): Guys, stop it.
487
00:15:27,574 --> 00:15:29,140
Do you have another kid, Dad?
488
00:15:29,142 --> 00:15:31,879
What? Well, uh...
489
00:15:32,243 --> 00:15:32,977
kind of.
490
00:15:33,879 --> 00:15:35,980
I made a puppet!
491
00:15:35,982 --> 00:15:37,440
(all gasp)
492
00:15:38,035 --> 00:15:40,518
Well, see you in a month, sleep.
493
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:41,585
His name is Cheeto.
494
00:15:41,587 --> 00:15:43,020
Is he cute or what?
495
00:15:43,022 --> 00:15:46,839
Retirement has been really
hard for your father.
496
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,875
And so we're just thrilled
497
00:15:48,995 --> 00:15:50,912
that he found this wonderful new hobby.
498
00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:52,997
Aren't we?
499
00:15:52,999 --> 00:15:54,765
Yes.
500
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,981
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found
something I'm really good at.
501
00:15:57,101 --> 00:15:58,556
- Ooh!
- Oh, whoa!
502
00:15:58,676 --> 00:16:01,238
Uh, this just pops right back on.
503
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,175
Now, I'm gonna carve a
puppet for each one of you.
504
00:16:04,177 --> 00:16:07,278
This one is for Baby Lark.
505
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,313
Oh, no, that's... but... (stammers)
506
00:16:09,315 --> 00:16:11,715
that's not fair to all of the...
507
00:16:11,717 --> 00:16:13,083
puppet lovers here.
508
00:16:13,085 --> 00:16:15,719
- Cheeto decides what's fair.
- I see.
509
00:16:15,721 --> 00:16:17,254
(Cheeto voice): I want to be with Lark!
510
00:16:17,256 --> 00:16:18,656
It's talking.
511
00:16:18,658 --> 00:16:20,190
But, you know, you can give him
512
00:16:20,192 --> 00:16:21,525
any voice you want.
513
00:16:21,527 --> 00:16:23,127
Oh, okay. There's options.
514
00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:24,361
Oh!
515
00:16:25,663 --> 00:16:27,297
(Cheeto voice): Oh, now I can eat a goat.
516
00:16:27,299 --> 00:16:29,266
(laughs)
517
00:16:29,268 --> 00:16:31,869
(all chuckling)
518
00:16:35,473 --> 00:16:36,473
Know what my dad's hobby is?
519
00:16:36,475 --> 00:16:37,608
GREG: No, what?
520
00:16:37,610 --> 00:16:39,343
I have no idea.
521
00:16:39,345 --> 00:16:41,511
But I'll tell you what it's
not... building nightmares.
522
00:16:41,513 --> 00:16:43,347
GREG: Your dad also
booed our wedding dance.
523
00:16:43,349 --> 00:16:46,550
Greg, she's not old enough for a blanket.
524
00:16:46,552 --> 00:16:48,151
(screams)
525
00:16:48,153 --> 00:16:49,786
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
She's here, she's here,
526
00:16:49,788 --> 00:16:52,756
she's here, she's fine. It was just a joke.
527
00:16:52,758 --> 00:16:55,559
You think it's funny screwing
with the only thing I love?
528
00:16:55,561 --> 00:16:56,460
The only thing?
529
00:16:56,462 --> 00:16:58,995
Yeah, now.
530
00:17:01,332 --> 00:17:04,067
But did you see I-I put him in a...
531
00:17:04,069 --> 00:17:06,269
diaper?
532
00:17:06,271 --> 00:17:08,471
(laughing)
533
00:17:09,307 --> 00:17:11,207
That is a fresh prank!
534
00:17:11,209 --> 00:17:12,709
Well, she didn't want
him in the house anymore,
535
00:17:12,711 --> 00:17:14,311
so can I bring him by later today?
536
00:17:14,313 --> 00:17:15,879
Sure, he can live in the
closet like my brother.
537
00:17:15,881 --> 00:17:17,047
I'll see you.
538
00:17:17,049 --> 00:17:18,515
- Thanks, Tim.
- Sure.
539
00:17:18,517 --> 00:17:20,917
Hey, how we feeling
today, Mrs. Abernathy... ?
540
00:17:20,919 --> 00:17:22,452
Oh!
541
00:17:23,821 --> 00:17:25,522
(Tim laughing)
542
00:17:25,524 --> 00:17:28,858
Oh, a new classic.
543
00:17:30,427 --> 00:17:32,195
(screams)
544
00:17:33,831 --> 00:17:36,099
(screams)
545
00:17:38,269 --> 00:17:40,270
Hey, Cheeto.
546
00:17:42,306 --> 00:17:43,606
GREG: Hey, honey?
547
00:17:43,608 --> 00:17:44,674
Have you seen my... ?
548
00:17:44,676 --> 00:17:45,842
(screaming)
549
00:17:45,844 --> 00:17:47,610
Oh! Oh, my eye!
550
00:17:47,612 --> 00:17:50,413
- Oh, it's in my eye.
- (all laughing)
551
00:17:50,415 --> 00:17:53,216
I mean, he won't have depth
perception for a few weeks.
552
00:17:53,218 --> 00:17:55,318
(laughing): But it was totally worth it.
553
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,120
Hey.
554
00:17:57,122 --> 00:17:58,821
Somebody wake up Matt.
555
00:17:58,823 --> 00:18:00,490
Kickoff in ten minutes.
556
00:18:00,492 --> 00:18:02,725
Matt.
557
00:18:07,698 --> 00:18:09,131
(giggling)
558
00:18:09,133 --> 00:18:10,933
(shushes)
559
00:18:10,935 --> 00:18:12,501
HEATHER: Make sure you
can see his little hand,
560
00:18:12,503 --> 00:18:13,803
so it looks like he's gonna
561
00:18:13,805 --> 00:18:15,671
rip your face off and wear it as a mask.
562
00:18:15,673 --> 00:18:17,206
Oh, that is so Cheeto.
563
00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:19,809
(all laughing)
564
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:22,978
Hey, guys.
565
00:18:22,980 --> 00:18:24,413
Matt?
566
00:18:24,415 --> 00:18:25,481
What?
567
00:18:25,483 --> 00:18:26,949
Weren't you just... ?
568
00:18:26,951 --> 00:18:30,386
(Colleen screaming)
569
00:18:31,321 --> 00:18:33,489
- GREG: Dad, stop.
- HEATHER: Wait, it's a joke.
570
00:18:33,491 --> 00:18:34,824
You went and picked the wrong house,
571
00:18:34,826 --> 00:18:36,825
you piece of...
572
00:18:36,827 --> 00:18:39,194
Cheeto?
573
00:18:42,198 --> 00:18:44,433
Cheeto? Aw.
574
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,175
Well, you all think this
is a big joke, don't you?
575
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,346
Well, if everybody
thinks he's garbage, well,
576
00:18:57,348 --> 00:18:58,947
then he's garbage.
577
00:18:58,949 --> 00:19:00,349
No, John, just...
578
00:19:00,351 --> 00:19:01,383
Honey, wait.
579
00:19:01,385 --> 00:19:02,684
My kids,
580
00:19:02,686 --> 00:19:04,987
listen.
581
00:19:04,989 --> 00:19:08,488
Our house is filled with every pinch pot,
582
00:19:08,742 --> 00:19:10,826
every slumped-over mug
583
00:19:10,828 --> 00:19:12,427
that you ever made.
584
00:19:12,429 --> 00:19:14,696
And we cherish them.
585
00:19:14,698 --> 00:19:17,568
Because they came from
you and it doesn't matter
586
00:19:17,688 --> 00:19:19,001
if they're grotesque.
587
00:19:19,003 --> 00:19:21,770
Oh. You think he's grotesque?
588
00:19:21,772 --> 00:19:23,271
- Did I say "grotesque"?
- Mm-hmm.
589
00:19:23,273 --> 00:19:26,608
I didn't... it... he
makes me want to drink.
590
00:19:27,694 --> 00:19:28,773
Well, I know he's ugly,
591
00:19:28,893 --> 00:19:30,412
but I made him out of their tree.
592
00:19:31,165 --> 00:19:32,380
What? You did?
593
00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:35,050
Yeah, you said you wanted
a baby swing in the tree,
594
00:19:35,052 --> 00:19:37,052
but then when we had to chop it down,
595
00:19:37,054 --> 00:19:40,255
I figured the tree would
live on in-in Cheeto.
596
00:19:40,257 --> 00:19:42,891
All right, go, go get him
out of the trash, Greg.
597
00:19:46,462 --> 00:19:49,764
We love Cheeto, Dad.
598
00:19:49,766 --> 00:19:52,033
Look how he's brought everybody together.
599
00:19:52,035 --> 00:19:53,435
I mean, he's been more fun
600
00:19:53,437 --> 00:19:55,221
than when you discovered
the Urban Dictionary.
601
00:19:55,341 --> 00:19:57,524
Yeah, that was a pretty dope time.
602
00:19:57,644 --> 00:19:59,023
HEATHER: Come on, Dad,
603
00:19:59,143 --> 00:20:01,878
I mean, we had no idea
what Cheeto meant to you.
604
00:20:01,879 --> 00:20:02,979
Do the Cheeto voice.
605
00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:05,413
- Yeah!
- Oh, no, I got...
606
00:20:05,415 --> 00:20:08,383
ALL (chanting): Cheeto! Cheeto! Cheeto!
607
00:20:08,385 --> 00:20:10,652
(Cheeto voice): Can I braid your hair?
608
00:20:10,654 --> 00:20:13,988
(laughing)
609
00:20:15,462 --> 00:20:17,125
That's our Cheeto.
610
00:20:20,648 --> 00:20:21,847
We really do have
611
00:20:21,849 --> 00:20:23,549
such a special family, don't we?
612
00:20:23,551 --> 00:20:25,250
They are a good bunch, huh?
613
00:20:26,419 --> 00:20:27,686
(gasping)
614
00:20:27,688 --> 00:20:29,588
(laughing)
615
00:20:29,590 --> 00:20:33,158
How can you do that to your own dear wife?!
616
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,028
You know what? That really is fun.
617
00:20:36,030 --> 00:20:38,197
JOAN: You know?
618
00:20:38,199 --> 00:20:41,967
The laundry chute is right over Matt's bed.
619
00:20:43,547 --> 00:20:45,152
What a good idea.
620
00:20:47,161 --> 00:20:48,561
This is great.
621
00:20:50,010 --> 00:20:52,144
(thud) MATT: Aah, son of a bitch!
622
00:20:52,194 --> 00:20:56,744
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