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We�went�shopping�for�a�whiskey night�the�other�day.
That's�a�big�fuck-off�bottle of�Gus�N'�Bru.
It's�better�to�be�looking at�it�then�looking ����for�it.
You�boys�getting into�it�tonight?
Yeah,�it's�a�Texas-sized ten-four.
That's�a�Texas-sized two-six.
That's�a�Texas�Micky, super�shooters, let's�get�cracking.
Wayne.
What's�the�problem, Katy?
It�happened�again. What�did?
Gus�left�a�Mr. �Big on�the�floor �����this�morning.
No,�he�never.
He�dropped�a�Hershey�bar in�the�living�room �just�last�Tuesday,
although�upon�closer�inspection, it�did�look�more�like a�Hershey's�mint.
Well,�I'd�sooner�believe that�was�you,�Squirrelly�Dan.
So�watch�how�you�speak�on�his�name, you�know?
Hey,�buddy... �He�left a�Twix�on�the�floor just�yesterday.
And�what�made�it�a�Twix as�opposed�to�a�Big�Turk,�Dary?
Well,�there�were two�of�'em.
They're�identical,����and�they're�side by�each.
Over�and�out. ��How�would�you�ask�somebody if�you�wanted�just
one�of�their�Twix's?
Well,�just�what�you�said. "Can�I�have�one�of�your�Twix's?"
No,�it'd�be... "Could�I�have�a�Twick?"
In�any�event,�it's�starting to�look�like�Willy�Wonka's emptying�his�pockets
around�your�house, good�buddy.
Now,�you's�realize������the�weight�of these�allegations.
These�accusations.
Can�confirm.
And�you's�realize �����the�consequences�at�hand should�your�claim�be�false.
Claims�is's�this. Can�confirm's.
I'll�only�give�you's one�more�chanceto�retract.
No�questions�asked.
Before�this�conversation becomes�a�confrontation.
We�wouldn't�be�bringing�it to�you�if�it�weren't�worth ������being�brought'en.
-But... -Bring�it�on.
Oh,�it�has�been�broughten.
I'm�just�kidding�around.
He's�a�ten-year-old�boy,�now.
He's�made�me�proud for�a�goddamn�decade.
He's�been�a�real�good�bo.
He's�been�such�a�bo.
But�he's�a�senior�now.
He's�on�the�home�stretch, and�I'm�trying�to�let�himenjoy�it.
Snoozin'�on�the�furniture, lots�of�human�food.
Leash�is�so�long�now, she's�limp.
And�he's�earned�it.
So�you're�just�gonna let�him�drop�Baby�Ruth's all�over�the�house?
As�opposed�to�what,�Katy?
Just�give�him a�real�good,�stern ������talking�to.
Oh,�yeah,�and�how's that�gonna�shake�down?
He's�probably half�fuckin'�deaf.
Aren't�you, you�fuckin'�geezer?
The�same�way�it�shook�down ��for�the�last�decade�before you�stopped�disciplining�him,
just�'cause�he's�old.
Okay,�Katy. Katy,�okay,�I'm�going�in.
Wish�me�luck.
All�right,�was�that�you leaving�Crispy�Crunchers all�over�the�floor?
'Cause�that's�a�bad�dog, don't�you�do�that�again, �����that's�bad.
Lickety-split.
Ah,�that's�a�wee�bit aggressive.
Oh�is�that�what I'm�being,�Dary?
Well,�that's�your�pal you're�talking�to�over�there,
fairly�accusatory.���I'd�say�give�him benefit�of�the�doubt.
I�wouldn't. Well,�you�didn't�even�ask him�if�he�did�it�there.
You�just�assumed, I�think�you're�better ��than�that.
Okay,�Dary. �Dary,�okay, I'm�going�back�in,wish�me�luck.
Aye.
Was�that�you�leaving Jersey�Milks�on�the�floor?
Because�that's�bad,��if�that�was�you, that�was�bad.
Don't�you�do�that���again�ever, 'cause�I'll�be�there.
You're�not�taking this�seriously.
Oh,�is�that�what I'm�not�doing,�Katy?
No,�you're�joking�around and�he�knows�it.
It's,�"Bad�boy, this�is�a�bad�boy."
Hey,�he�knows�thatI'm�joking�but�he�doesn't know�that�you're�joking.
Don't�say�"bad" unless�you�mean�bad.
I'm�sorry,�Gus.
That's�okay,�he's�a�good�boy, he's�such�a�boy.
Why�don't�you�just�try ���using�your�real�voice? It�may�permeate�better.
Okay,�Katy. �Katy,�okay, I'm�going�back�in.
Wish�me�luck.
Hey,�bud.
I�noticed�that�you've been�leaving�Caramilks all�over�the�floor,
you�know�what's�gonna ����happen? Someone's�gonna ����step�on�one�in�the�night
and�take�a�header, ��someone's�gonna�pull a�full�gainer�down�the�stairs.
Or�at�the�very�least, a�half�gainer.
So�what�you�wanna�do is�do�that�outside ����like�a�good�boy.
Please�and�thanks.
I�thinks�we're�almost�there.
Oh,�is�that�where we�almost�are,�Squirrelly�Dan?
Now,�Professor�Tricia�says that�when�you're�bringing a�complaints�to�someone,
they'll�be�more�receptive to�altering�their�behavior
if�you�make�it your�problem.
Make�it�personal������rather�than�placing the�blames�on�them.
What�are�you�fuckin'���getting�on�about over�there?
May�I's? Okay,�Dan. �Dan,�okay.
Go�on�in,�good�luck.
Gus,�how�are�you�now?
Now,�we've�all�noticed the�Coffee�Crisps�around�the�house,
and�that's�completely ���natural�and�nothing�for�youse to�be�embarrassed�about.
But�I�am�quite�worriedI�am�going�to�slip�on�one and�take�a�full�gainer,
or... �Please�look at�me�when�I'm�talking,�Gus.
Now,�while�I�know that�that�is�my�problem,
I�know�you�don't�want this�to�happen�any�more �����than�I�do.
So�I'm�hoping�we�can ��works�together�to�find a�resolution�to�this�problem.
But�besides�that,�we�want�you ��to�know , we�think�you're�doing ��a�terrific�job�around�here
and�we�don't�want ����to�bothers�you�anymore than�we�needs�to,
so�you�have�yourself a�great�day.
I'm�not�going�to�make�you sit�through�that�butt-fuckery, ��Bud,�away�you�go.
You're�a�good�boy, away�you�go.
Away�you�go.
Look,�I�know�he's�just snoozing�on�the�furniture ��all�day,
but�you�take�him�out for�routine�number�twos.
Ten-four?
You�try�taking�him�out, Katy,�he�don't�wanna.
You�can�say,�����"Hey,�Gus, wanna�rock�one?"
And�if�he�could�talk, �he'd�say, "I've�had�to�rock�one for�a�good�seven,�eight�hours.
"Don't�worry�about that�right�now.
"I'm�gonna�grab�another �����quick�20 , 25�shut-eye�here, �����we'll�circle�back
"on�the�conversation�later.
"But�how�about�some�good itchings�and�scratchings ���in�the�meantime?"
Whoo!
Smells�like�Mr. �Wonka's just�emptied�his�pockets �in�the�other�room.
Fuck.
Well,�everybody�up, help�me�look.
Better�to�be�looking�at�it, than�looking�for�it,�eh?
Ladies. Women.
It�has�come�to�our�attention �that�there�may�be�a�young�man who�has�come�between�you�girls.
I�mean... How�do�you�mean?
Well,�Betty-Anne, Mary-Anne.
We�were�told�that�you may�be�going�for ��the�same�guy.
Or,�or�that�the�same guy�may�be�going for�both�of�you.
Impossible. How�do�you�mean?
The�last�guy�that�was into�Mary-Anne�was�the�priest at�Catholic�school�in�grade�six.
And�only�'cause�he�thought she�was�a�boy.
Well�done,�Betty-Anne. Catholic�school,�grade�six.
Isn't�that�the�same�year you�got�the�nickname "Fisted�Sister"?
Which�you�gave�yourself?
Ladies. "Women."
And�a�fitting�nickname it�was,�Betty-Anne.
Your�mitt�looks�like��a�boa�constrictor unhinged�its�jaw
in�an�effort�to�consume a�combat�submarine.
Speaking ������of�consumption,
your�mitt�looks�like the�drooping�jowls ���of�a�shar-pei
with�a�palsy and�a�water�wing �����in�its�mouth.
Your�mitt�looks�like ����the�back�of�Kelsey�Grammer's head�circa�Frasier�'94
if�the�cast�each�autographed ���his�bald�spot with�multi-colored�lipsticks.
Your�mitt�has�more spiderwebs�than�a�No�Doubt set�list,�Mary-Anne.
Betty-Anne,�your�mitt ��is�so�dusty , I�can�hear�it ��singing�Son�of�a�Preacher�Man.
We've�gotta�go����to�the�source,�buddy. It's�our�only�hope,�buddy.
Ferda.
I'm�not�helping�you tit-fuckers�or�those�twats.
Give�your�balls��a�tug.
We're�at�the�bottom of�the�line�here,�Shoresy.
You�wanna�talk�about lines,�you�fuckin'�loser?
I�woke�up�to�your�mum rippin'�dick-dingers off�my�foreskin,
tell�her�to�keep her�hands�off�my�scoops.
Fuck�you, Shoresy.
Fuck�you,�Jonesy, I�made�your�mum�cumso�hard
they�made�a�Canadian �Heritage�Minute�out�of�it�and Don�McKellar�played�my�dick.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy. Fuck�you,�Reilly.
I�made�your�mum�so�wet, Trudeau�deployed�a�24-hour ���infantry�unit
to�stack�sand�bags around�my�bed.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy.
Fuck�you�both, �����your�lives�are�so fuckin'�pathetic,
I�ran�a�charity�15K ���to�raise�awareness�for�it, you�fuckin'�losers.
Where�is�he? ������He�was�supposed�to�be here�an�hour�ago.
Everyone�stay�composed . I'm�going�to�sever�Everett's phalanges�one�by�one,
and�force-feed�them to�him,�fondue�style.
Your�terms�are not�acceptable,�Roald.
I'm�going�to�rip�off ��his�ears�and�use�them to�tickle�his�taint.
Oh,�Jesus�Christ.
I'm�going�to�scalp ��him�of�his�skin , wear�it ��like�a�costume,�and�perform.
The�Rocky�Horror�Picture Show�in�its�entirety, ����while�he�watches.
I�need�to�lie�down.
The�end�is�nigh.
Stewart!
Would�you�come�down here,�please?
Everett.
Hey,�dude.
Did�you�hear all�of�that?
Bits�and�pieces,�something�about a�picture�show�in�the�Rockies.
Everett.
Give�me�the...
Stewart.
Glen?
Stewart.
Glen. This�is...
No�it's�not! an�intervention.
Roald. Stewart...
Roald!
Stewart.
Unhand�Roaldie.
Come.
Sit.
Stay.
But...
But...
Oh,�I�like�you.
You're�coming with�me�and�Glen.
Where?
To�a�place�where you�can�get�away.
Yeah.
You�can't�mean... Oh,�yes,�Stewart.
You�don't�mean... Yes,�Stewart.
No! Stewart...
You're�going�to�rehab.
No! Yes.
No. Yes.
No!
Yes.
Ladies.
Women.
Sorry. lt's�okay.
Um,�we�spoke�with Shoresy.
You�did? And?
And�he,�um... What?
He�said... What?
He�said�you�suck at�hockey.
Huh?Yeah,�he�said you�should�stick
to�Ringette. Huh?
Yeah,�he�said�that�youshould�never�ever�let a�woman�do�a�man's�job.
He�did? Yeah.
I�was�standing�there�like, "What�is�this�guy�saying?"
And�then�he�said, "Who�let�the�broads�out �of�the�kitchen?"
He�did�not. Yeah.
And�we�were�like, "What?
"You�can't�say�that." And�he's�like,
"Yeah,�I�can. �They�should�be making�me�my�supper."
And�I�was, "Whoa,�dude."
Did�he? Yeah.
I�mean,�we're�like, "Dude,�you're�crazy."
Then�he�said,�"I�mean, how'd�they�find�time ����for�hockey,
"while�they're�cleaning the�floors�and�doing �my�laundry."
Did�he? Yeah,
and�that's�not�even... That's�not�even the�craziest�part.
Like�we�were... And�believe�us,
we�had�had�enough�����at�this�point , but�����we�were�like,
"Are�you�sure about�this?"
And�he�was�like,������"Anybody�can�go back-to-back."
Yeah,�and�we're�like, �"Dude , you�better�stop �talking�about�those�girls
"like�that." Mmm.
"Better�stop�talking about�those�women ���like�that."
But�he�said,�"Talk�to�me when�they�go�back-to-back...
"to-back."
That's�what�he�said.
Mary-Anne. Betty-Anne.
What�rhymes�with hip,�lip�and�dip?
Ship.���What�rhymes�with coat,�note�and�tote?
Boat.��Why�don't�you�say you,�me�and�the�girls
put�another�one on�the�water?
Back-to-back-to-back!
You're�driving. Would�if�I�could, ����but�I�can't.
Okay. �����You�boys�leaning into�one�tonight?
Well,�it's�better�to be�looking�at�it than�looking�for�it.
How�about�our very�own�Shamrockettes?
Playing�for the�fuckin'�'ship.
When�a�local�team�plays for�the�championship, ����that's�something
the�whole�town can�get�behind.
Creates�a�pretty�good sense�of�community,�too.
And�a�series�sweeps, no�less.
A�wee�bit of�Meryl�Sweep.
Sweep�in wolf's�clothing.
The�lion�sweeps�tonight.
Drive�safe.
Stewart�gets�out �of�rehab�today, so�I'm�keeping�it�local.
Pitter-patter.
Wayne. Dwayne.
Daryl. Cheryl.
Dan. Pam.
See�youse�brought�your�brooms.
Shop's�nothing�but�a�couple side-roads�down,�though.
Oh,�youse�didn't�hear?We're�working�for Sweep�Country�Canada�now.
Don't�fear�the�sweeper.
Why�don't�you�use those�brooms�and�show�us
that�little�dance those�fellows�do ��in�Mary�Poppins?
If�we�offer�you�a�beer��are�we�sweeping with�the�enemies,�or...
You�should've�used�those�brooms to�sweep�the�cobwebs�off of�Letterkenny's�trophy�case.
Well,�it's�good�you�got the�beer�sorted,
but�is�that�Donegal tap�water�still�stinky,�or...
Youse�got�a�liberal amount�of�beer�there,
not�sure�it's�gonna�be enough�to�drown�your�sorrows after�we�shit-kick�youse�today.
Youse�are�on�the�brink of�elimination,
read�it�and�sweep. Hey.
Win�or�lose,�youse�guys have�still�got�the�most �ostrich-fuckers
per�capita,�right?
That's�the�big�picture.
Allegedlys.
Bet�you�wish�you�could �put�your�head�in�the�sand and�ignore�that�one,�huh?
May�the�best�town�win.
Ladies. None�finer�than�you, ��Mary-Anne.
Women.
None�more�admirable than�you,�Betty-Anne.
We've�overcome�adversity.
Found�a�way�to�win.
Let's�get�this�fucking�win, let's�get�this�fucking�sweep!
And�let's�get�this���luxury�fucking sea�liner�on�the�lake!
League�final,�buddy. Game�four,�buddy.
Suits�on�deck. What�could�go�wrong?
Shoresy? Give�your�balls�a�tug.
Shoresy! Tit-fuckers.
We�heard�what�you�said about�us,�you�sack�of�shit.
"Never�let�a�woman�do a�man's�job,"�huh?
Watch�this,�we're�just�taking a�break�from�cooking and�cleaning�to�win
back-to-back-to-back 'ships,�asshole.
I'll�make�you�a�sandwich afterwards,�though,
I'll�shove�it�up your�ass�for�you,�too.
You�two�are�the�silliest ������twats�I've�ever�met in�my�whole�fuckin'�life.
I�didn't�say�any���of�that�shit, you�dumb�broads.
But�I�did�say�your�breath could�stop�a�Mack�Truck, ������Betty-Anne,
I'll�tell�that�to�anyone who�will�listen.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy.
Fuck�you,�Betty-Anne, your�breath�is�an existential�crisis,
made�me�question my�whole�fuckin'�life.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy.
Fuck�you,�Mary-Anne,�you�got�legs�on�you like�redwoods,
you�could�box-jump a�bungalow.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy.
Fuck�you,�Reilly,���your�mum�groped�me two�Halloweens�ago,
shut�the�fuck�up or�I'll�take�it�to�Twitter.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy.
You're�a�horrible fuckin'�ref.
Fuck�you,�Jonesy,��take�a�look�at�me, I'm�not�even�a�ref,
I'm�a�fuckin'�linesman, �����but�you�can�referee�on my�nuts,�you�piece�of�shit.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy!
I'd�still�smash�you�both if�I�was�bored,
but�Reilly�and�Jonesy's mums�get�too�jealous.
Make�yourselves�useful, grab�me�a�bag�ofdill�picklers.
Good�luck,�you�fuckin'�losers.
Let's�stick�it to�that�fuck.
Literally�and�figuratively.
Who�the�fuck skates�like�that?
Stewart's�recovery has�been...
Remarkable.
He�is�almost...
Unrecognizable.
Are�you�ready?
Ready!
Calm�down,�Roald.
Stewart!
Fuck�the�wave,���������pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.
I�remember�when you�could�smoke�in�here.
Yeah,�we're�gonna�smoke youse�in�here,�bud.
Came�here�to�do two�things,
launch�this�broom�on�the�ice ���and�drink , and�the�gal�at�the ���bar�just�told�me�I'm�cut�off.
Your�gals�look�slower than�my�tractor,
of�course,�mine's got�a�HEMI�in�her.
Your�gals�are�having a�tougher�time
finding�the�puck than�NHL�on�Fox circa�1996.
I've�seen�more hustle�in�chess.
Still�no�heaters�in�here, ���eh? I�remember�Letterkenny ���mounting�the�50.
Let's�go,�Shamrockettes!
Let's�go,�Shamrockettes!
Let's�go,�Shamrockettes.
Pass�to�me!
Okay,�ladies... "Women."
Hurry�up�and�score ���a�fuckin'�goal�already , I'm ���getting�the�bedtime�sillies.
Fuck�off,�Shoresy, give�us�our�time-out.
Fuck�you,�Reilly,���tell�your�mum to�give�me�a�time-out.
The�last�time�I�tried�that, she�threatened�to�take �����a�header�on�me
into�an�empty�pool at�the�Quality�Suites.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy, leave�us�alone.
Fuck�you,�Jonesy,�������tell�your�mum to�leave�me�alone,
she's�been�laying in�my�fuckin'�water�bed since�Labor�Day.
Fuck�you,�Shoresy.
Fuck�you�all, �����your�lives�are�so�sad, I�get�a�charity�tax�break
just�for�hanging�out with�you.
Nice�sweep,�no�sweep, give�your�balls�a�tug.
Enough�fuckin'�around. Let's�do�this.
Shamrockettes!
We�did�it,�buddy.
Can't�believe�it,�buddy.
We�won �����a�fuckin'�'ship.
We�bought that�boat.
Hmm.
Yeah,�it's�Mum.
Mine�too. Probably�wanna�say ����congratulations.
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