Original subtitles

Well, Halloween isn't s'bad.

Bit fuckin' green and lush around here

- for end of October, isn't it? - KATY: Hmm.

Yeah. Al Gores mights be onto something.

Devil's night, boys.

And you know the shit heads'll be out causing mischief.

- Can't scare me. - Yeah, we know.

You can try though. Cause that's the fun of it.

- Wayne's? - Squirrelly Dan?

Speakins of mischiefs. My cousin, Samuel...

You mean speakin' of shit heads?

Is very sorry for whats he did last Halloweens.

What'd Samuel do this time?

He stole candy from his little sister.

Oh! The little... Fucker!

See, that's what I say, I said, "Oh! little... Fucker."

Samuel's very sorry for whats he dids

and hes likes to come by to show you his costumes this year.

Samuel knows the deal!

But... But Samuel's going out dressed as his heroes

and he wants to come by...

Poor behavior is not to be rewarded, it's to be punished.

And Samuel is not welcome by

for a full-sized chocolate bar this Halloween.

I'm with you, big brother.

Or one kinda feels like we should maybe be discussing

the origins of Halloween.

Like talking about the history of it.

Kike, I mean, before we start celebrating

the bastardized North American version of things.

Wow. kook who's pooped the pumpkin. Shocker.

From where I'm sittin', looks like you're curled up

nice and cozy with the bastardized, North American

North American version of it, Wayne.

- What's the problem, Dary? - For someone who doesn't even like kids,

you got a lot of nerve big-league'n

the rest of the town handing out full-sized chocolate bars.

Yeah, well, you got a lot of nerve back-doorin'

trick or treaters by handing out quarter-size chocolate bars

- on Halloween. - Get off your wallet, Dary.

I'll get off my wallet when he quits throwing around nickels

like they're manhole covers.

Geez, this one won'ts gets off his wallet, and this one's

tossing around nickels like they're manholes covers.

Know what? There's 5000 people in Letterkenny,

and do you wanna know what their problem is? Wayne.

Big-league'n them.

Haven't you ever heard of the expression,

"do unto others

as you would have them do unto you"?

'Ain't you never heard of the expression,

"Do unto others before they do unto you"?

You're fuckin' up, bud.

364 days of the year this guy's all,

"Oh, I don't give a shit about your kids."

And, "Somebody should hit Samuel."

"Somebody should hit Samuel."

And then comes Halloween you gotta big-league everybody

by handin' out full-sized chocolate bars.

- Get off your wallet, Dary. - What's in your jeans, bud?

You know, the whole town's talkin' about how you

big-league them. It's all I'm sayin'

Yeah, well, all the trick-or-treaters talk about

how you back-doored them. It's all I'm sayin'.

I'll back door you like I back-doored those trick-or-treaters.

Maybe we should establish some context here, boys.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

But Samuels...

Samuel is not welcome to come

for a full-sized chocolate bar this Halloween.

That's mighty charitable of you, Wayne.

That's one last set of parents you're big-league'n.

Yeah, well, that's one more trick-or-treater

that you're back-doorin'.

I'll back-door those trick-or-treaters

like I back-doored you.

KATY: Okay. You know what?

Maybe we should establish some context here.

Get your mind outta the gutter!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

WAYNE: Well, she's lookin' a wee bit more

like October now, isn't it?

Why does Gailer want us here so early?

KATY: She didn't say.

Ooh! I hope it's for an early sample

of one of her harvest rotating taps.

Can't legally serves beer for another hour, bud.

Ah, there goes Dary back-doorin' the liquor Control Board.

Well, there goes Wayne, big-league'n me

Can't legally serves beer for another hour, bud.

Back-doorin' the Liquor Control Board.

Well, there goes Wayne, big-league'n me

before I even had a beer. Par for the course.

KATY: She sounded rattled.

When a friend asks for help you help 'em.

Gailer.

Happy Halloweens, Gailer.

- You hung-over? - No. Why?

You got a glass of water there. A bit of fresh air will do it.

It's holy water.

Is that what it is?

Dear me, no. I love a good horror movie.

ALL: We know! I love a good scare.

ALL: We know!

- Guess what. - Chicken butt.

MoDean's 2 is haunted.

- No, it isn't. - Is, too.

ALL: No, it isn't!

Follow me now!

What ya notice?

Hmm.

Uncle Eddie's Pig Hoof hops ale.

- He was a good guy. - He was a great guy.

He's come back from the dead for one more go.

Tried to get me to drink that shite with him in bed.

You took down Uncle Eddie.

Mmm-hmm. Took him down once.

- How was that for ya? - Ecstasy.

Why only once?

'Cause he died shortly after.

- He died in his nineties. - Yeah.

What are you doin' takin' down geriatrics, Gail?

What, you never met no one with a geri-care fetish before?

The fuck outta here...

What? You never been to lemonparty.org? Fuck outta here.

Mmm...

So, you think Uncle Eddie is haunting MoDean's 2

I know he's haunting MoDean's 2.

There's his Pig Hoof hops front and center.

- Gail's right. - Pardon?

Well, how else do you explains this?

Literally one million ways.

Could be a ghost or a ghoul or a spirit,

or a phantom, or an orb, ecto-mist,

poltergeist, angel, archangel,

a demon... Elemental?

No, it isn't.

Oh, it's a ghost.

It might fall under one of the many sub-ghosts categories.

You got your vengefuls, you got your hungries,

you got your residuals, you got your messengers,

you got your inanimates, uh, you got your artificials,

animals, Childs.

Then you have all your different types of lady ghosts.

You got your ladies in red, ladies in white,

ladies in black, ladies in blue, ladies in purple,

ladies in vermilion, ladies in the burnt orange sienna's.

Then you got your Bloody Mary...

We're not even getting into Japanese ghosts. Holy jeez.

WAYNE: No, you don't!

Spirit energy doesn't just goes away, Wayne. It circulates.

What is it, cowboy?

Let me make a call.

- (CRASHING NOISE) - (ALL EXCLAIMING)

ALL: Oh... Bonnie McMurray.

Great costumes there, Bonnie.

You got yourselfs some attentive students right here.

Yeah, I'm reformed.

You can hit me one more time, baby.

Costume?

- Bonnie. - Wayne.

Did you make your angel food cupcakes for the annual

catholic school alumnae bake sale to raise

much-needed funds for the missionary trip to Nicaragua?

Sure did, Wayne.

Good for you. Enjoy yourself.

I will.

Woolwich Taffy Cone Harvest I.P.A. from Wellesley, Ontario.

Boastful, yet reserved.

Opinionated. Selective.

Elmira maple syrup, Skinner Farms smoked bacon.

Hmm... Tastes like a tragedy occurred while making breakfast.

Takers?

Let's get this guy a fuckin' Puppers.

Don't minds if I do's.

(BELCHES)

- So, you think it's us, boys? - Why boys?

'Cause last night was devil's night.

And you're shit heads.

Oh, okay, so you think we're playing pranks now, huh?

Well, it's clear there is a unique brand

of tom fuckery at play.

I haven't smashed a pumpkin on someone's doorstep

since grade nine, boys.

I haven't stuffed an egg up a tailpipe

since grade eight, boys.

I haven't silly-stringed a car since grade seven.

I haven't TP'd a tree since grade six.

Yeah, but do's you's have an alibi?

We definitely have alibis.

I'm glad you asked about alibis.

We've prepared a powerpoint presentation.

Jonesy prepare the powerpoint presentation.

Haunting took place between the hours of 3 a.m. and 9 a.m.

And I was taking down this swipey snipey

between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m.

And I was taking down this swipey snipey

between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m.

Nice work, boys.

Wait a minute. That's only three hours.

What were you doing between the hours of 6 a.m. and 9 a.m.?

I'm glad you asked.

This is where things got a little complicated, boys.

Reilly's swipey snipey hit me up after taking down Reilly.

Jonesy's swipey snipey hit me up after taking down Jonesy.

Accidental tunnel buddies, ferda.

Ferda.

How did you guys figure that out?

Well, we facetimed each other from the swipey snipies beds.

After the take down.

This is exactly what Uncle Eddie wanted.

Get me thinkin' about take downs.

Sure as I flick, it's a ghost doing this trick.

No, it isn't.

Then what is it, cowboy?

Let me make a call.

(CRASHING) ALL GASPING

ALL: Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Great costumes, Bonnie.

My soldier's standing at attentions.

Locked and loaded.

Two gun salute.

BOTH: Ready to shoot.

Costume?

- Bonnie? - Wayne.

Did you cadets make up your hearty harvest chili

for the annual potluck supper

for our amputee war vets in the cancer ward?

Sure did, Wayne.

Good for you. Enjoy yourselfs.

I will.

Oka. Old style harvest pilsner from Kahnawake, Quebec.

Proud. Fearless. Defensive. Loyal. Knows its history.

Tastes like an upset shamans horded collection

of spunky backwoods fruit. Takers?

Get this guy a fuckin' Puppers.

Don't minds if I do.

(BELCHES)

You's think this is an Indian haunting?

You's watch too many shitty movies.

Well, no one's implyings that,

but we're just coverings our bases.

You still have a rich history of tom fuckery in this town

and that can't be denied.

Well, is this place built on an ancient Indian burial ground?

Not to my knowledge.

Did you find a tomahawk lodged in your door?

Not yet. No.

Did you wake up with moccasins at the foot of your bed?

But is that a thing? Because it...

Okay! Just get yourselves a couple of dream catchers

and stop watching shitty horror movies.

(CRASHING) ALL GASPING

Okay, do I actually have to explain this?

You'd better go home and change or I will fight you!

- Bonnie? - Wayne?

On your way to the protest rally up country,

to provide glaring examples of cultural appropriation

for people who don't understand cultural appropriation,

- but probably should? - Sure am, Wayne.

Good for you. Enjoy yourself.

I will.

(UNCLE EDDIE'S JAR CLINKING)

Did ya see that?

It moved.

Gail, the building just shifted.

It was probably the shelves expanding due to the heat.

Or the shelves contracting because of the cold,

being that it is October.

It's Uncle Eddie. He wants me to take him down again.

Set his jar of Pig Hoof hops right there front and center!

No, it isn't. And no he doesn't. And no he didn't.

What is it?

Literally, five hundred million things.

Mossif. Run it!

Let me make a call...

Hellmich Premium Blonde Harvest Ale from Mitchell, Ontario?

Hardworking, cooperative, tough in the corners.

Zurich bean off the top with a strathroy turkey finish...

The dark meat.

That tastes like wheat from the field

of a stay-at-home defenseman. A la Travis Hamonic, anybody?

Let's get this guy a fuckin' Puppers.

Don'ts minds if I do.

Ha! The glass.

(BELCHES)

We've heard talks of apparitions.

Specters. Wraiths.

Demons...

Uncle Eddie's back for one more go with this old goat.

Unclegedly.

We believe this to be true.

- Collectively. - Conclusively.

Are you sure you guys didn't just come in here

and do all this?

(LAUGHS) Breaking and entering?

There are far more gratifying crimes

with far leaner sentences.

Also it's a sin. So no, we didn't.

KATY: So?

I will perform a seance to summon Uncle Eddie.

Speak with him. Reason with him if I must.

Though I will be reluctant to cooperate with him.

I promise you that.

K.

Uncle Eddie will enter Roald's body and...

Wait. One more time?

Uncle Eddie will enter Roald's body.

Then I will exorcise his spirit.

Is that what you'll do.

Christ permitting, yes.

One question. I...

Yes. I... I wanna... I wanna be really clear here.

So, Stewart you're going to summon the spirit

of Uncle Eddie, who's going to enter Roald

and then from there you're gonna communicate with him?

Precisely.

Though, again, I will be reluctant to cooperate with him.

We heard you, Stewart.

This I promise you.

And, Glen...

Hey Wayne, hos that girlfriend of yours doing? I miss her.

I like her. She's like a li'l baby Halle Berry.

Like a li'l baby Beyonce. Like a...

Oh!

That's a Beyonce seance-ay!

So, Uncle Eddie's spirit is going to enter Roald

and then Glen is going to exorcise it.

That's right. I will exorcise the spirit out of Roald

and cast it into hell!

Hell?

- He was a good guy. - He was a great guy.

Begging your pardon, but anybody that comes back from the dead

to have non-consensual sexual relations with a woman,

outside of wedlock, may I add, is not a good guy!

Good enough.

Now we must all hold hands.

ALL: No!

- Fine. - Wayne...

Roald, Glen... Roald.

Stewart.

- Roald. - Glen.

- Roald! - Stewart.

- Roald! - Glen!

- Roald! - Stewart!

- Roald - Glen!

- Roald! - Stewart.

Oh...

Now we need five seconds of silence

while Lucifer locates us.

(FARTING)

Sorrys, that was the ghost of yesterday's dinner.

Honestly!

Five seconds of silence to beckon Beelzebub!

(BELCHES)

Sorry, you give me a stage like that I'm gonna have to dazzle.

Five seconds of silence while Satan substantiates.

(ALL MOANING)

(FARTING)

What... What was that one?

Control your bum. Be a lady.

That came out my front bum.

Oh, no.

Was that a queef? Soundeds like a queef.

- Quiff. - GLEN: Okay!

I think there's something wrong.

- Stewart! - How are you doing that?

I don't know.

It's very freaky.

I know.

- Are you scared? - I'm very scared.

Okay everybody. Five more seconds of silence.

No farting, or burping...

Blah...

Maybe... Maybe it'll go away.

And try again.

Roald!

Argh!

No, no...

Jesus Christ.

He has nothing to do with it, but oh my gourd!

Exorcise him, Glen!

What? I don't know how to do that!

I did not think it would come up.

(ROALD EXCLAIMING DEMONICALLY)

Stop! How are you doing that?

- I don't know. - Stop doing that.

It's like we flipped the wrong button or something.

STEWART: There are no buttons. Could we hit a circuit breaker maybe?

Maybe there's just a frog in my throat.

Here let me try and cough it out.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Is it gone?

- (ROARING) - Oh, no, no...

Oh, no...

Stewart! Glen! Stewart! Glen!

(ROARING)

You wanna know what? My friend, Sean Amsing,

has a Halloween party in the city before Halloween every year

and he calls it Premature E-Jacu-Lantern.

- That's good. - Clever.

I likes that.

He's a really funny guy.

- (CRASHING NOISE) - (ALL EXCLAIMING)

ALL: Oh... Bonnie McMurray.

Well, now that has gots to be a costume.

Christ, she could make a softball hard.

She could play on my field.

Dingers all day, boys.

- Bonnie? - Wayne?

You on your way to the annual Jeff Davies Memorial

baseball tournament to raise money

for pit bull puppy mill rescue?

Sure am, Wayne.

Good for you. Enjoy yourself.

I will.

- Is that this weekend? - Yeah, it's this weekend.

- Jeff was a good guy. - Jeff was a greats guy.

Jeff was a babe.

One of the greatest. Jeff fuckin' Davies.

I feel like Jeff would know what to do.

I feel like Jeff would want to make... One more call...

That is not a regulation softball uniform.

Hmm. Delicious.

You know when you can't see what you're tasting,

your sense of taste gets heightened.

I bet you didn't know that, did you, Dan?

I did know that, Dary.

'Cause one times I took a gals on a date to one of them places

in the city where they don't gots any lights, and you have

to eats in the dark. Made a fuckin' mess of myself.

I've been to one of those places.

All the servers there are blind. Bet you didn't know that.

So the blind are eating better than us, eh? Must be nice.

Yeah, on accounts that their sense of taste is heightened

'cause they can't sees nothin'.

There's always a silver lining there.

No. Not at all.

McMurray, how're ya?

Good' n' you?

Just... I can't see a fuckin' thing in here McMurray.

Well, that's the only way to catch a ghost,

that's all I know. What've you got for gin there, Gailer?

Don't know 'cause I can't see the bar.

Well, I'd get into one of them cocksuckers when you locate it.

We're not convinced that it's a ghost, McMurray.

You'd better believe it's a ghost, Katy.

What else could it be?

Literally five hundred million things.

Well, Luckys for yous guys Mrs. McMurray and I

went down 'Minican one year, hopped on over

to the Aztec pyramids and got ourselves on a guided tour

with some genuine ghost hunters.

There they taught us everything they goddamn know, okay?

We've guided tours down 'Pulco, we've guided tours down 'Cacos.

- We've guided tours down 'Cun. - Pitter patter.

All right. You's guys see this in my hand?

ALL: No!

This here is a genuine SB-9 ghost talkie,

- transmits ghost speak. - Oh, is that what it does?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm. You fire it up and when the ghosts start talking

you can hear what they're saying. Fire it up, babe.

Lemony Snickets, babe. We got activity off the charts.

(SHUSHING) Did you hear that?

Wasn't this clear in 'Pulco.

Nothing like this down in 'Cun either.

They'd kill for this down 'Cun!

VOICE 1: McMurray is such a piece of shit.

VOICE 2: Oh! McMurray's a huge piece of shit.

What the devil?

VOICE 1: You'll never meet a bigger piece of shit

in your life than McMurray.

VOICE 2: Oh! Yeah, what a piece of shit!

(GROANING) Jimmy dong bobby baby.

What, baby?

I grabbed the wrong box.

This here's one half of the high-frequency baby radio

that I set up in the break-room in the barn to make sure

the farmhands wasn't talking shits about me.

It would appear that your farmhands are talking

significant shit about you, McMurray.

VOICE 1: What a piece of shit he is, eh?

I mean, how does a piece of shit like that land a woman

like Mrs. McMurray?

(GROANS)

VOICE 2: Ah! Tell you what I'd do with Mrs. McMurray...

Baby?

Yeah, baby?

Remember the lawyer that took the case that time

I shot at the worm pickers when they were on the property?

Yeah, baby. You almost caught one of them cock-suckers, too.

Just missed him by a sminch.

By a sminch. Best give 'em a call.

Why, baby?

'Cause I, McMurray, am about to kill a man.

Hear me now. You need to drink it, Daryl.

Hear me now. Not on your life, Gailer.

It's the only thing we haven't tried.

No, it isn't.

Then what, Wayne? What else can we try here?

Literally, 5,500 billion things.

Uncle Eddie wanted me to drink it with him

after I took him down! But I didn't.

It's the only thing left to do to get rid of his ghost.

So drink it you fuckin' pussy!

- No. - Yes.

- Huh? - Yes.

- No. - Hey!

When a friend asks you for help you help them.

No.

I'd do it for you.

No...

Wait!

- Gail. - Wayne.

It was me.

What was you? I know how much you love Halloween.

Well, see, there ya go.

It was only my intention to give you a bit of a thrill,

and have a little bit of fun with all the nutsacks in town.

It was never my intention to get you this riled up.

And boy do I ever wish I wouldn't have discovered

you took down my 90 plus year-old Uncle.

That's when things took a real hard detour.

- Wayne? - Gail.

It was a thrill!

What is that?

Oh!

Ha! You do scare!

Waynes, why are you so scared? It's only Samuels.

- Dan! - Now hold your horses there, Waynes.

Samuel's here has somethings that he'd like to says to yous.

Samuel, you have the floor.

I'm sorry I stole the full-sized chocolate bar

you gave my little sister last Halloween.

I accept your apologies, Samuel.

I was sick of Daryl back doorin' me

with the quarter chocolate bars.

I understand that, Samuel, but that doesn't make it right.

I trust you've apologized to your little sister as well?

Yes, sir.

And now my friend David wants me to say thanks for him

for big league-n the cheap-skate beat-skates in town

who gave out half chocolate bars.

Please tell your friend, David, I'm more than happy

to big league cheap-skate beat-skates like Daryl.

But, Samuel, big brothers are to

look out for their little sisters.

- Yes, sir. - You only get

one family, Samuel.

You are to treat them with love and respect.

I've learned my lesson, sir.

Good. And to make sure you've learned your lesson,

you will not be receiving a full-sized chocolate bar

from your Uncle Wayne this Halloween.

Yes, sir.

Now, Waynes, remember when I said that Samuel wanted

to show you his costumes this year?

That's because Samuel wanted to go dressed as his hero's

for Halloween.

Who's your hero, Samuels?

Wayne.

Samuel. I didn't say we couldn't split a full-sized chocolate bar

this Halloween.

Choco-coconut? Coconut's fuckin' gross, asshole.

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