All language subtitles for How to Stay Married s01e01.eng

Bao, bao...

Why are we up in the
middle of the night?

Because we're playing Family
Feud The Board Game, honey.

Who's that?

Hi. I'm Grant Denyer.
And we're playing:

_

(APPLAUSE)

Wow. Whoever's dream
this is needs to update.

Who's dream is this?

And wasn't this show axed?

Here's team captain Greg Butler!

(APPLAUSE)

Tell us, Greg, what do you do?

Well, Grant, I work at
Birth, Deaths and Marriages.

Ah, now, here's something
I've always wondered.

Why do they put deaths
before marriages?

(LAUGHTER) Well, it's a good question.

I've been working there 16 years

and I still can't answer that question.

Can't? Or Won't?

Ooh! (LAUGHTER)

Speaking of marriage. Let's move on
to your beautiful wife, Emily Butler.

Oh, hi, Grant.

- Tell us, what do you do?
- Um...

Well, I am a stay-at-home mum to two
beautiful girls, Sophie and Chloe.

- AUDIENCE: Aww.
- Great. But what about you?

Oh, well, in between
running the girls around

and making lunches there's...

Apart from lunches,
something other than that.

Something about you, Mummy.

About YOU.

I... I don't... I don't really know.

Mum...

She makes a pretty good pasta bake.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) Yes!

OK. Here we go. Round 1.
Let's get started.

We surveyed 100 people and the top
eight answers are on the board.

The secret to a long and
happy marriage is...

(RINGTONE PLAYS)

I need a change.

I could go back to Marimba.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Greg...

..I want to go back to work.

Cool. You should. Absolutely.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Oh, Chloe, why are you eating
Mexican food for breakfast?

Because I like it more
than Chinese food.

Come on, guys. You've got to
help me out this morning.

If Mum gets the job, who
will make our lunches?

It's just an interview.

It is just an interview, Soph,
so who knows what will happen.

But either way, my ladies,
your lunches will be made.

Buenos dias, Butlers.

Good morning, Uncle Brad.

Oh, the bano is roto.

Translation, the toilet
is on the fritz again.

And how do you say, "I want
my room back," in Spanish?

You'll get your room back

as soon as Uncle Brad and Mon
go on their lovers' vacation.

- It sounds yuk.
- Hopefully.

When is Mon coming back from her...
physiotherapy conference?

Is it next...

Miercoles. That's "Wednesday".

I thought you said Tuesday.

Tuesday, South American time.

- Ooh.
- Whoa!

Is this a kitchen or a catwalk?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Do
I look professional?

Uh... professionally hot.

Do I look too professionally
hot for an interview?

- No. No. No, you look great.
- OK.

Possibly. Just... relax.

Lunches are made.

He put tomato sauce on Chloe's.

What's wrong with tomato sauce?
Everyone loves tomato sauce.

Darling, you just leave the lunches
to me. Can you get the Poppers?

- Poppers. Yep.
- Yep.

Poppers.

Oh, so, Em, what
qualities, or cualidades,

will you be bringing to this position?

Well, I am a very fast learner.

And despite having been out of...

In fact because I have been out
of the industry for 14 years...

What about that nice white blouse
the girls got you from Sportscraft

for Christmas?

Mmm. You're unbelievable.

I thought you wanted my opinion.

What are Poppers?

SOPHIE: Come on, Chloe,
don't make us late.

We're leaving with or
without you, Chloe.

Oh...

- Here she is.
- Hi.

Very professional, Em.

You look like an important businessman.

On his or her way to an important
businessman's meeting.

- Now, these are for you.
- Oh, that's... That's so kind.

- Fresh from my garden.
- It's just I'm a little bit allergic.

Oh, it's chrysanthemums. They
are open like a 7-Eleven.

Greggles. Hope you've got the
champagne on ice for tonight.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

- For me?
- Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. Well, I mean, the main
thing is, just do your best.

- There's no pressure.
- (SNEEZES)

- Oh, Bless you.
- Bless you.

Chloe! Soph, you grab those.

OK. Let's go. Uh, Terry,
get out of the way.

Get out. Get out. Tez... Tez...

Big fella changing the toner.

Hey, Leonie.

Is that what you're doing, big fella?
Changing the toner?

No. No. I'm just
scanning some documents.

Big fella's scanning
some big documents.

Just another day in paradise.

(PING-PONG BALL CLATTERS)

May I... help you?

Oh, no. Thank you. Uh...

I'm sorry, I think I've
rung the wrong number.

It was a butt dial.

Thank you.

My name is Emily. Em Butler.

Yes. I've seen you before.

You came in and then
mysteriously vanished.

I think I'd remember being here.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) And
I think I would remember

if drag king John Farnham
walked into reception

only to return 16 minutes later

dressed like a geisha
that ran out of make-up.

I have an interview at 11:45.

I was just wondering if I might
be able to use the bathroom?

Ooh...

Looks like a big bloody trip
you're going on there, Bradley.

Oh, yeah. Mon and I can't wait.

Yeah.

No, she's in Guatemala finishing
off a physiotherapy convention.

Whoa.

That's why I've moved in with
Em and Greg to save some cash.

Yeah. That's understandable.

And... uh,

Ah... So, what does the
old itinerary look like?

Oh, Mon wants to see it all so, you
know, here, there and everywhere.

Oh, yeah? So where exactly?

- Ah, well, we start off in Bolivia.
- Ooh.

Yeah. Then we hit... PNG.

Then we go to the States.

(GASPS)

Then, um... Argentina.

Argentina.

Then we...

- ..head to Denmark.
- Hey.

And then sort of up and across to...
Canada.

Seems like an odd route.

Mon's always said I'm an odd root.
(CHUCKLES)

Mmm. Yes. I see it.

What do you see?

OK. One more time.

You do have the right to
change your name, Janice.

And you have tried everything from
Nokia 3210 to Tanya Plebershite.

But you've really outdone
yourself this time...

..Penis Williams.

Not just a boys' name.

No. It's not a name at all, is it?
It's part of the male anatomy.

So is Dick, that's a boy's name.

Which is short for "Richard".

Also, short for penis.

Why would you do it to yourself?

I mean, nobody is going
to take you seriously.

What happens when you
go for a job interview?

I don't have a job. I don't want
one either, so they can suck it.

What happens then when you want
to book a table at a restaurant?

I don't book tables. I have
take-way, so they can suck it too.

I'm going to show you something which
I think you might find interesting.

(PHONE RINGS)

- WOMAN: Mexigogo. Sonya speaking.
- Hello, Sonya.

Um, I would like to make a booking.

Fantastic. Tonight's pretty quiet
so you can just come down.

I prefer if we could
actually make a booking.

- We really don't need...
- There's, uh...

There's 25, 26 even, of us.

It's, um... It's a birthday party.

- OK. What time?
- Seven.

OK.

You need a name... for the booking?

No. Just come down and we'll know.

Penis Williams.

I'm sorry, sir?

That is my name, Penis Williams.

OK. Mr Williams. We
will see you tonight.

Did you get my name? P-E-N-I-S.

Like a man's penis.

Yes. 25 people. Yeah?

- Yep.
- OK.

Seemed to go alright.

Come on...

(KNOCK! KNOCK!)

RECEPTIONIST: Miss Saigon?
They are waiting for you.

Oh, OK. Thanks.

Oh, I've really got to pee.

OK.

_

Here.

- Bradley Butplug Butler.
- What?

That's what they called you
at school, didn't they?

- No, they didn't. Why?
- That surprises me.

So, Bradley Butplug Butler,
you're my first customer.

- Customer?
- Terry Roach, life adviser.

Not sure if Em and Greg told
you, but this is what I do now.

I gave away tree doctoring to
become a life doctor, if you will.

"Life Doctor". Yeah. That even
sounds better than "Life Adviser".

I'm going to change that.

I thought when you said, "Come over
for a session," you meant a beer.

It's not even midday, Bradley.

I'm trying to run a respectable
life doctoring business here,

not an AA meeting.

This Terry Roach Life Doctor
voucher covers this first session.

170 bucks an hour?

You can't put a price on happiness.

People are not unlike trees.

They're really strong until
they've been cut down.

Look. I don't need a life coach, Terry.

You're lucky I'm a life doctor.

And I don't want to talk about my trip.

How about we talk about Mon instead.

Oh, look out, big fella's on the hunt.

Jesus.

You heard the whispers, big fella?

No, I have not heard the whispers...

(SOFTLY) ..big lassie.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

What? What whispers?

There are packages going around.

- Packages?
- Redundancies.

Shit.

Could be alright for you, big fella.

How long have you been here for?
10 years?

16.

(GASPS) Could be a big
pay-out, big fella.

16 years? ka-ching, ka-ching.

I'm sorry I'm late. Emily butler.

Amir Essa.

Thank you.

Audrey Price.

Take a seat.

So... you don't have a great deal
of experience in publishing?

Well, as you can see there, I, uh...
I worked as a proof reader

between 2006

and the end of 2006.

And... I'm a very, very quick learner

and highly motivated
to develop my skills.

How would you characterise
your Twitter presence, darl?

I mean... mate.

Personally, I'd rather poke
around in an old woman's prolapse

than use social media,

but, look, our PR team insist
it's more vital than oxygen.

Well, I am very present.

And despite having been
out of the industry,

in fact, because I have
been out of the industry...

Look, the previous occupant of
this role left quite abruptly.

Her husband began chemotherapy.

What?! I thought Tracey went
to Queensland on a holiday...

The message I wrote on her card
will make no sense whatsoever.

I wrote "Have fun in the sun".
She'll think I'm an arsehole.

Anyway, what I was saying before is
that I'm a very quick learner...

So why re-enter the fray now?

That... is a very good question.

Would you care to answer it?

Mm-hm.

Um... (SNEEZES)

Oh... Oh...

Something wrong?

I just did a sneeze pee.

Tony, what's this about redundancies?

No need to stress.

It's good news.

What are we talking?

Well, I know you have, like... like,
a wife and a kid to look after.

Yeah. Two kids, and
they don't come cheap.

Yeah. Sure.

So I fought hard for you.

You're staying on.

What?

(AIR DRYER BLOWS) Oh, come on.

The last time I saw someone
hand-drying their underpants

was at the Christmas party.

I said, "Amir, you're pissed
and I put him in a cab."

Well, I sneezed because of the flowers

and, um, because I've overhydrated and
had two prolonged vaginal births.

Sometimes when I sneeze
or jump or laugh too hard

a little bit, not a lot, but a
little bit of wee comes out.

Has that ever happened to you?

No. I'm watertight.

Yeah. Of course.

(ANIMATED HUBBUB)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Hey. How'd you go?

I don't belong here. I am...

I mean, my world is
kindergartens and creches

and school fundraising committees.

- What was I thinking?
- Em...

Don't... Don't cry.

I feel like an idiot.

I mean, the only thing
I'm actually good at

is organising public liability
insurance for bouncy castles

and pony rides.

Well, that's a handy skill to have.

I did... wee in my pants.

OK. I mean, that's...
Lots of people do that.

In the interview!

Yep. OK, that...

And they're all so smart and so
professional and I'm just a mum.

Hey, big fella, I took the package.
Ka-ching. Ka-ching.

Yee-hee!

Are you at a party? No.

No. This is definitely not a party.

Let's just keep everything
the way that it was.

I like being at home with the kids.
And you love your job.

Yeah.

OK. I'll see you at home.

Yeah.

- Em, I was just think...
- (HANGS UP)

Look alive, big fella,
your regular's back.

Janice, what?

I want to change my
name to Libra Fleur.

Janice, fuck off.

(CHATTER SUBSIDES, MURMURING)

(PING-PONG BALL CLATTERS)

Oh, good. You're still here.

For Christ's sake.

Audrey thinks that you're
absolutely ordinary...

Look, Audrey may have a sneeze-proof
vagina, but she doesn't have

- half the things that I...
- When can you start?

Hang on. What?!

When can you start?

Is this a joke?

Why don't you come back on Monday?
Why waste time.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

You really won't regret this decision.

We just hired a woman who spent
most of her job interview

drying her underwear in the bathroom.

What could possibly go wrong?

- Yeah. OK. Thank you.
- OK.

OK. See you. See you Monday.
Bye. See you.

- Oh.
- (THUMP!)

(POP!)

Mexigogo's on the phone.
And who's Penis Williams?

Oh... sugar. That's a prank
call, sweetie. Thank you.

Champagne as promised. So...

To your... new job.

Which you actually didn't
think that I would get.

Well, last I'd heard
you'd wet your pants.

Before that. Like, this
morning, you were unsure.

- No. I wasn't.
- Yes. You were.

Never in doubt.

The champagne is warm.

Well, that's because I had a
bigger celebration in mind,

a surprise dinner.

Oh, really.

- Booked first thing this morning.
- Mmm.

(GUITARIST PLAYS LIVELY TUNE)

I don't think they're coming.
Sorry, guys, let's just pack it up.

Uh, we have a reservation under, um...

- ..Penis Williams.
- OK. Great.

Excuse me, Penis, are the
rest of your guests coming?

You've booked for 25.

No, we had some cancellations. Sorry.

It's cool you'll be eating tacos
in Mexico in just a few weeks,

- Uncle Brad.
- Yeah.

I'm not sure where Mexico
is on the itinerary, Soph,

but I'll be sure to
send you a postcard.

Come on, Bradley...

Truth is like the branch of a tree.

Sometimes you've just got to
hold on and hope it won't break.

- Shouldn't trust be the branch?
- Come on, mate. Doctor's orders.

(SIGHS)

OK. A bit of shush.

I haven't been completely honest.

MARLO: Don't worry about that, love.

Terry told me on our first date
that he was in the movie Cocktail.

(LAUGHTER)

- One of the bar scenes.
- Underrated movie.

Look, guys. Mon isn't at a
physiotherapy... convention.

I don't even know if they have
physiotherapy in Guatemala

or if there's even a country called
Guatemala or if it's just a dip.

So, where is she?

- Is she dead?
- No.

She's... in our flat, well, her flat.

- We broke up.
- Yes!

Oh, Brad... I'm...

So, does this mean I'm not
getting my room back?

The doctor is in the house.
First client, huh?

Let's do shots.

- Yes. Let's...
- A-ha!

- Bar keep, line 'em up!
- EMILY: Oh, Brad...

The one that got away.

Plenty of them have gotten away.

- Big day for everyone.
- Yeah.

So, how was your day?

Same old.

But I think I hate my job
and everyone I work with.

I probably just need a change.

They, uh... they are
making people redundant.

- Well, take a redundancy.
- I can't.

Quit. Leave.

Do a Jerry Maguire.

You want me to start my own
Births, Deaths and Marriages?

I just got my dream job. You
should have your dream job too.

- My dream job?
- Yeah.

Like, when you were young,

what did little Greg want
to be when he grew up?

Married. I just wanted to be married.

And, Em...

..technically...

..I can't quit or take redundancy.

They sacked me.

GUITARIST: Yay. Yay. Yay. Ha! Ha!

He-he-he. Let's go. Yep. Here we go.

- To Emmy.
- Thanks, Tez.

- Thanks, Terry.
- To Em.

To Em.

The working girl.

To Emmy. Cheers.

- Cheers, everyone.
- To Em!

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -

There you go. What do you reckon?

What about Terry Roach, Life Coach?

'Cause that rhymed, which was nice.

Oh...

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