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Hot in Cleveland is recorded In
front of a live studio audience
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00:00:03,873 --> 00:00:05,457
All right, people.
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00:00:05,492 --> 00:00:06,909
The Academy Awards
are three weeks away,
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00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,827
and we need to mobilize.
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00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,913
Now first,
I need a killer speech...
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00:00:10,964 --> 00:00:13,298
One that will make my fellow
nominees hate me even more,
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00:00:13,333 --> 00:00:15,501
because I come off so gracious.
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00:00:15,803 --> 00:00:18,420
Now, luckily,
we have a writer in our midst.
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00:00:18,471 --> 00:00:23,342
- Oh, I wouldn't call myself a writer.
- Neither would I.
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00:00:23,393 --> 00:00:26,704
That's why I want Elka to do it.
She has more sizzle
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00:00:26,705 --> 00:00:29,765
now that that play she
wrote is going to Broadway.
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00:00:29,816 --> 00:00:31,850
The Broadway theatre
in Cleveland, not New York.
13
00:00:31,852 --> 00:00:36,071
And where is your play
being performed?
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00:00:36,105 --> 00:00:40,943
Oh, that's right ...
you don't have a play.
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00:00:40,994 --> 00:00:43,745
Next, Joy and Melanie,
I need to decide
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00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:46,582
who will be my plus-one
for the Academy Awards.
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00:00:46,616 --> 00:00:49,868
Oh, I hadn't even thought
about who you would take.
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00:00:49,919 --> 00:00:51,336
Neither had I.
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00:00:51,371 --> 00:00:53,038
But of course you are gonna
need someone to sit in the limo
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00:00:53,089 --> 00:00:55,374
and drink champagne with you
on the way to the show.
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00:00:55,376 --> 00:00:58,427
And afterwards the governor's ball,
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00:00:58,461 --> 00:01:01,213
the Vanity Fair party,
et cetera, et cetera.
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00:01:01,215 --> 00:01:03,215
And if you do choose a woman
as your plus-one,
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00:01:03,266 --> 00:01:06,218
- she's gonna need a gown.
- Yes, a gown!
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00:01:06,269 --> 00:01:07,886
She'll need a gown.
26
00:01:07,888 --> 00:01:10,305
Well, I would like to take
both of you...
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00:01:10,356 --> 00:01:12,224
[both] Oh, my god,
we're going to the Oscars!
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00:01:12,226 --> 00:01:13,442
I know, I'm so excited!
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But I can't.
I can only take one of you.
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00:01:19,616 --> 00:01:22,734
Oh, well, you know, whomever
you choose, I'll be happy.
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00:01:22,785 --> 00:01:24,403
I feel the same way.
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00:01:24,454 --> 00:01:26,705
And of course, if there's
anything that I can do for you
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00:01:26,739 --> 00:01:30,409
in the meantime, you just ask me.
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00:01:30,460 --> 00:01:33,078
And of course, I will do
anything you need as well too.
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00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,913
And if you do happen
to choose Joy, you know,
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00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:37,249
I'm gonna just be so happy for her.
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00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:42,254
And I'll be so happy
for Melanie if you choose her.
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00:01:42,305 --> 00:01:46,925
- Why are you smiling?
- This is gonna be fun.
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00:01:49,429 --> 00:01:51,930
[upbeat music]
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5x21 - Mystery Date Oscar Edition
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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So I've had some thoughts
about my speech.
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00:02:00,941 --> 00:02:02,658
I'd like to open with a joke.
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00:02:02,692 --> 00:02:06,612
- No.
- What do you mean "no"?
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00:02:06,614 --> 00:02:08,447
You're funny.
You can write a joke.
46
00:02:08,498 --> 00:02:11,283
I'm funny. Yes.
47
00:02:11,334 --> 00:02:16,455
- Wait, are you saying that I'm not funny?
- It's been said.
48
00:02:16,457 --> 00:02:19,458
Hi.
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00:02:19,460 --> 00:02:20,959
- For you.
- A gift?
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00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:23,462
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, thank you.
51
00:02:23,464 --> 00:02:25,847
Van Cleef... wait, wait.
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00:02:25,882 --> 00:02:28,050
You drove all the way
to Chicago for this?
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00:02:28,101 --> 00:02:33,055
- Oh, it's not that far for a best friend.
- [gasps] Oh, my god.
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00:02:33,306 --> 00:02:38,593
Joy, look at this gorgeous necklace
Melanie just gave me.
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00:02:38,644 --> 00:02:39,895
Oh, it's nothing, really.
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00:02:39,929 --> 00:02:41,563
I mean, yes, I had drive
all the way to Chicago for it,
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00:02:41,597 --> 00:02:45,350
- but it's no big deal.
- Chicago, gosh.
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00:02:45,401 --> 00:02:48,904
I bought Victoria this,
but I only drove to New York.
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00:02:48,938 --> 00:02:52,107
- New York is further away.
- Is it?
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00:02:52,158 --> 00:02:54,910
Time flies when you're buying
breakfast caviar for your best friend.
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00:02:54,944 --> 00:02:57,946
[gasps]
Caviar is my favorite.
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00:02:57,997 --> 00:03:01,616
Your favorite from your favorite.
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00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:06,121
- You did a very nice thing.
- Now, we both did nice things.
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00:03:06,172 --> 00:03:10,625
- It's not a competition.
- No, no, it's not.
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00:03:10,676 --> 00:03:15,046
It's just two equally good best friends
doing nice things for Victoria.
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00:03:15,048 --> 00:03:16,848
- Oh, no.
- What? What is it?
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00:03:16,883 --> 00:03:20,385
You know that Victoria Chase
stretch of highway I sponsored?
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00:03:20,436 --> 00:03:22,938
Well, apparently you're supposed
to pay to clean it,
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00:03:22,972 --> 00:03:24,940
not just adopt it and leave it
to its own devices,
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00:03:24,974 --> 00:03:28,393
as you would a child.
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00:03:28,395 --> 00:03:31,446
You know, you would make a
great adoptive mother, Victoria.
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00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:35,483
Yes, your heart is as big
as your dress size is small.
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00:03:35,535 --> 00:03:37,786
Damn it!
That was a good one.
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00:03:37,820 --> 00:03:40,655
Oh, I've got 50 hours
community service.
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00:03:40,706 --> 00:03:43,074
- I'll do it for you, Victoria.
- Are you sure?
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00:03:43,125 --> 00:03:44,659
Oh, Joy, you're amazing.
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00:03:44,710 --> 00:03:47,162
What? What?
And I got 50 more hours
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00:03:47,213 --> 00:03:48,964
for not responding to
the first violation.
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00:03:48,998 --> 00:03:50,582
I'll do it for you.
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00:03:50,633 --> 00:03:53,835
I can't believe you would both
do this for me.
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00:03:53,886 --> 00:03:55,587
I have the best friends.
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00:03:55,638 --> 00:03:57,639
- Mm.
- We're happy to help.
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00:03:57,673 --> 00:04:00,809
I mean, how many times is
someone nominated for an Oscar?
84
00:04:00,843 --> 00:04:05,777
Many times, probably, if
that someone is Victoria Chase.
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00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,816
[laughs]
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00:04:07,850 --> 00:04:09,184
Wait, I can top that.
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00:04:09,235 --> 00:04:11,603
Um...Um...
88
00:04:11,605 --> 00:04:15,760
Hit the showers, Joy.
That round went to Melanie.
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00:04:17,743 --> 00:04:19,327
[groans]
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00:04:19,362 --> 00:04:21,529
I just got off the phone with
the community service people.
91
00:04:21,581 --> 00:04:25,951
I have to spend 50 hours cleaning
port-a-potties in the park.
92
00:04:26,002 --> 00:04:30,372
And this week is Cleveland's Chili Fest.
93
00:04:30,423 --> 00:04:33,124
You should trade jobs with Joy.
94
00:04:33,175 --> 00:04:38,380
- She won't wanna clean toilets.
- Sell her on the park.
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00:04:38,431 --> 00:04:41,349
I got the worst
community service ever.
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00:04:41,384 --> 00:04:45,186
They've got me working
in the hospital morgue.
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00:04:45,221 --> 00:04:49,391
Why not trade jobs with Melanie?
98
00:04:49,442 --> 00:04:52,060
I could never convince her
to work in the morgue.
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00:04:52,111 --> 00:04:56,364
Sell her on the hospital.
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00:04:56,399 --> 00:04:59,567
Hi, Joy. So did you get
your community service?
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00:04:59,619 --> 00:05:02,153
I did.
I'm working in a hospital.
102
00:05:02,204 --> 00:05:07,659
- Really? Working with patients?
- Mostly former patients.
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00:05:08,711 --> 00:05:10,161
How about you?
104
00:05:10,163 --> 00:05:12,213
Oh, I'm working in the park.
You know, just tidying up.
105
00:05:12,248 --> 00:05:14,666
Oh, lucky you.
106
00:05:14,668 --> 00:05:16,968
I'll be stuck with all
these doctors flirting with me
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- all day, and they'll all be so young.
- Oh, yeah.
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00:05:20,306 --> 00:05:22,057
You know, knowing my luck,
I'll probably be invited
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00:05:22,091 --> 00:05:23,808
to play frisbee
with a bunch of college boys
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00:05:23,843 --> 00:05:26,845
and totally embarrass myself.
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00:05:26,847 --> 00:05:30,598
You know, I wouldn't mind
being outdoors.
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00:05:30,650 --> 00:05:34,069
- Rather like getting my hands dirty.
- And I don't mind a hospital.
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00:05:34,103 --> 00:05:36,321
Maybe we should switch.
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00:05:36,355 --> 00:05:38,773
I could see that working.
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00:05:41,610 --> 00:05:48,366
- Hello, Melanie. I hate you!
- I hate you more.
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00:05:48,417 --> 00:05:52,787
- You're going down, Moretti.
- Ha! Over my dead body.
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00:05:52,838 --> 00:05:54,923
[whispering] No offense.
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00:05:56,926 --> 00:06:00,270
I hope Joy and Melanie are
having as good a time as we are.
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00:06:00,305 --> 00:06:04,766
[laughs] One's in a toilet,
and one's in a morgue.
120
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,135
- More caviar?
- Oh, please.
121
00:06:07,186 --> 00:06:09,804
So how is my speech
coming along?
122
00:06:09,855 --> 00:06:14,726
- I'm working on it right now.
- You're just drinking wine.
123
00:06:14,777 --> 00:06:19,898
Oh, it just looks that way.
I'm actually writing.
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00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:22,901
Time for a rewrite.
125
00:06:29,041 --> 00:06:32,577
Dr. Rayner, thanks again for coming
to my home for this procedure.
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00:06:32,579 --> 00:06:36,831
Since this facial filler is so
new, I'm just a little nervous
127
00:06:36,882 --> 00:06:39,667
about injecting myself
this close to the Oscars.
128
00:06:39,719 --> 00:06:40,919
I understand.
129
00:06:40,970 --> 00:06:43,338
So what parts of your face
are we targeting?
130
00:06:43,389 --> 00:06:46,925
Oh, let me show you on my guinea pig.
131
00:06:48,477 --> 00:06:51,646
Now, she doesn't have
my naturally high cheekbones,
132
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:55,650
and I don't have the drooping
here or the sagging here.
133
00:06:55,684 --> 00:06:57,986
Well, I could plump here,
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00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:00,822
add some filler above the
cheekbones here and maybe here,
135
00:07:00,856 --> 00:07:02,490
- and then pull...
- You know what?
136
00:07:02,525 --> 00:07:06,444
- Surprise me. Just go nuts.
- Go nuts?
137
00:07:06,495 --> 00:07:09,998
And do something about
those lines when she's scared.
138
00:07:15,421 --> 00:07:17,455
How long do I have to keep this on?
139
00:07:17,506 --> 00:07:22,127
You heard what he said, until it sets.
You look great already.
140
00:07:22,178 --> 00:07:24,045
I'll tell you what I look like.
141
00:07:24,096 --> 00:07:27,132
I look like the one friend who
would have done this for you.
142
00:07:27,183 --> 00:07:29,801
I don't know who else would.
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00:07:29,803 --> 00:07:33,338
Victoria, guess what I did for you.
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00:07:34,409 --> 00:07:37,692
- How could you?
- How could you?!
145
00:07:37,726 --> 00:07:39,394
Now, now, no fighting.
146
00:07:39,445 --> 00:07:42,981
You both just did something
wonderful and important.
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00:07:42,983 --> 00:07:46,151
Give each other a hug.
148
00:07:54,103 --> 00:07:57,471
This is a great draft, but
I have a couple of questions.
149
00:07:57,505 --> 00:08:00,140
Who is this Tony
you have me thanking?
150
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:04,595
- Your third child.
- Oh.
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00:08:04,597 --> 00:08:06,764
Good catch.
152
00:08:06,815 --> 00:08:09,236
You know, those
injections that doctor gave
153
00:08:09,237 --> 00:08:11,602
to Joy and Melanie
really turned out nicely.
154
00:08:11,604 --> 00:08:14,321
I'm gonna have it done myself.
155
00:08:14,572 --> 00:08:16,440
Hello, this is Victoria Chase.
156
00:08:16,442 --> 00:08:19,326
[screams] Oh, my god!
I look like a freak!
157
00:08:19,361 --> 00:08:21,312
I... I'll call you back.
158
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:25,199
That bloody cheek injection
migrated.
159
00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:28,168
It gave me an Adam's apple.
160
00:08:30,455 --> 00:08:32,039
I look like a man!
161
00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:36,627
On the bright side, it goes
with the hands and the chest.
162
00:08:38,513 --> 00:08:41,382
Well, Joy, the doctor warned us
163
00:08:41,383 --> 00:08:42,966
that something like this
could happen.
164
00:08:43,017 --> 00:08:47,805
- He never said this would happen!
- Oh. Maybe he said that only to me.
165
00:08:47,856 --> 00:08:50,858
I disfigured myself for you,
Victoria.
166
00:08:50,892 --> 00:08:53,227
This had better count for something.
Oh, absolutely.
167
00:08:53,278 --> 00:08:55,479
No, you definitely are way
ahead of Melanie right now.
168
00:08:55,481 --> 00:08:57,731
Wait, wait, why?
I got the same treatment.
169
00:08:57,782 --> 00:09:03,320
- I have an Adam's apple!
- And how is that a plus?
170
00:09:03,371 --> 00:09:06,206
What will people think
when on the red carpet
171
00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:09,793
your date looks like
John Stamos in drag?
172
00:09:09,828 --> 00:09:13,054
That was a compliment, Joy.
173
00:09:13,631 --> 00:09:17,334
Melanie, I'm sorry, but Joy
made a real sacrifice for me.
174
00:09:17,385 --> 00:09:19,553
Well, I can do that too.
Just give me a task.
175
00:09:19,587 --> 00:09:20,888
[doorbell rings]
176
00:09:20,922 --> 00:09:23,390
I'll get that for you.
177
00:09:23,641 --> 00:09:25,175
Hi.
178
00:09:25,226 --> 00:09:27,678
It's for you.
179
00:09:27,729 --> 00:09:29,012
[door closes]
180
00:09:29,063 --> 00:09:34,730
- What is it?
- Oh, no. It's from the Ladypants people.
181
00:09:35,354 --> 00:09:40,524
"Dear international face
of incontinence...
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00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:46,167
"say 'hi' to enclosed
absorbent gown that you are
183
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:48,999
legally obligated to wear
to the Oscar Academies."
184
00:09:49,033 --> 00:09:51,084
This can't be happening.
185
00:09:51,119 --> 00:09:53,253
I thought your lawyers
were gonna make that go away,
186
00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:56,540
- so you could wear the Dior gown.
- So did I.
187
00:09:56,542 --> 00:10:00,294
"Despite best good efforts
from your legal team,
188
00:10:00,345 --> 00:10:06,216
our contract, like our garment,
is watertight.
189
00:10:06,218 --> 00:10:09,686
Here is your Mrs. Ladypants gown,
190
00:10:09,721 --> 00:10:14,452
now with litter crystal technology."
191
00:10:15,394 --> 00:10:16,560
Oh, god.
192
00:10:16,611 --> 00:10:19,613
[loud crinkling]
193
00:10:22,517 --> 00:10:24,602
It's not so bad.
194
00:10:24,604 --> 00:10:27,771
With your figure, you can make
anything look beautiful.
195
00:10:27,822 --> 00:10:34,862
- And you look amazing in white.
- You look like an angel.
196
00:10:34,913 --> 00:10:37,615
Wearing a diaper.
197
00:10:39,017 --> 00:10:43,437
Oh, I'm ruined.
Wait, there's a P.S.
198
00:10:43,455 --> 00:10:46,190
"Do not spoil surprise of gown.
199
00:10:46,224 --> 00:10:49,310
"If it is seen in press
before Oscar academies,
200
00:10:49,361 --> 00:10:53,651
we will not ...
allow you to wear it."
201
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:57,651
This is fantastic.
202
00:10:57,702 --> 00:11:01,372
I mean, all I have to do is get
someone photographed in public
203
00:11:01,406 --> 00:11:04,074
wearing this monstrosity.
204
00:11:04,125 --> 00:11:08,379
Well, you're smart, Victoria.
You'll think of someone.
205
00:11:08,413 --> 00:11:10,381
Hi. Melanie Moretti.
206
00:11:10,415 --> 00:11:12,583
Ask Melanie at WJVB.
207
00:11:12,634 --> 00:11:16,053
I'm so happy to be here
at the Cleveland Radio Awards.
208
00:11:16,087 --> 00:11:19,340
Who am I wearing?
Mrs. Ladypants.
209
00:11:19,342 --> 00:11:23,177
Yes, that's what I said.
Mrs. Ladypants.
210
00:11:23,228 --> 00:11:25,429
Man: Oh, my god,
the water main just blew!
211
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,399
We need something
to suck up this water.
212
00:11:32,687 --> 00:11:35,189
I have something.
213
00:11:36,297 --> 00:11:37,831
Hey, here's the hero.
214
00:11:37,882 --> 00:11:42,219
Yes, I used the Ladypants
dress to plug the giant leak.
215
00:11:42,253 --> 00:11:47,174
The force of the water tore
the dress right off my body.
216
00:11:47,225 --> 00:11:50,727
Remember when you said,
because it had a built-in pant,
217
00:11:50,762 --> 00:11:55,049
that I didn't need to wear underwear?
218
00:11:55,566 --> 00:11:58,435
I really wish I had.
219
00:11:58,486 --> 00:12:01,905
Well, at least millions
of people saw it on youtube.
220
00:12:03,308 --> 00:12:05,472
Somebody posted it on youtube?!
221
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:08,195
- Well, I had to, and it worked.
- Oh.
222
00:12:08,197 --> 00:12:11,331
And the Ladypants lawyers
said that I no longer get
223
00:12:11,365 --> 00:12:15,535
- to wear that gown.
- So what I hear you saying
224
00:12:15,537 --> 00:12:17,954
is that I made
the biggest sacrifice for you.
225
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:22,259
You?
I have an Adam's apple.
226
00:12:22,293 --> 00:12:25,462
- I touched dead bodies.
- I cleaned port-a-potties.
227
00:12:25,513 --> 00:12:26,596
- Chicago.
- New York!
228
00:12:26,631 --> 00:12:29,182
- Van Cleef!
- Petrossian!
229
00:12:29,217 --> 00:12:32,769
Oh! Stop it, both of you.
I have less than two hours
230
00:12:32,804 --> 00:12:34,888
to choose my plus-one
for the Academy Awards,
231
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:38,108
and all you're doing
is stressing me out.
232
00:12:38,142 --> 00:12:39,476
I'm going to the spa.
233
00:12:39,527 --> 00:12:42,562
I'm gonna sit in the sauna
and gonna clear my head.
234
00:12:42,613 --> 00:12:45,282
That's a great idea, Victoria,
just you and your thoughts.
235
00:12:45,316 --> 00:12:46,733
Your amazing thoughts!
236
00:12:46,784 --> 00:12:52,069
Yes, take all the time you
need, my dear, dear friend!
237
00:12:57,628 --> 00:13:00,330
I think I may just go for a walk.
238
00:13:00,381 --> 00:13:04,301
And I may go check the mail.
239
00:13:10,925 --> 00:13:13,927
- Victoria, wait for me!
- Wait for me!
240
00:13:16,264 --> 00:13:18,899
It was nice of Joy
to volunteer to park my car.
241
00:13:18,933 --> 00:13:20,600
It really was.
242
00:13:20,602 --> 00:13:23,603
You bring out the best
in even the worst people.
243
00:13:23,654 --> 00:13:25,605
Why don't you just
go relax in the sauna,
244
00:13:25,607 --> 00:13:28,441
- and I'll sign in for all three of us?
- Oh, that's sweet of you.
245
00:13:28,443 --> 00:13:30,660
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
246
00:13:30,695 --> 00:13:34,781
- Oh, my god. Was that Victoria Chase?
- Yes, it was.
247
00:13:34,832 --> 00:13:36,783
And she desperately needs your help.
248
00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:41,588
See, there's this crazy
transvestite stalker following her.
249
00:13:41,622 --> 00:13:45,542
And if he shows up here, it is
imperative that you call security.
250
00:13:45,593 --> 00:13:46,843
You can't miss him.
251
00:13:46,878 --> 00:13:50,130
Crazy short shorts
and a huge Adam's apple.
252
00:13:53,384 --> 00:13:56,636
I wonder what's keeping Joy.
253
00:13:56,687 --> 00:13:58,471
Oh, she probably
got a text from Mitch.
254
00:13:58,473 --> 00:14:01,725
You know, whenever he calls or
texts, she just drops everything.
255
00:14:01,776 --> 00:14:04,527
- Hm.
- Imagine if he texted her at the Oscars.
256
00:14:04,562 --> 00:14:07,230
You'd be all alone on the red carpet.
257
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:10,150
No one to yell, "oh, my god,
258
00:14:10,152 --> 00:14:14,321
"Victoria Chase and Jennifer
Lawrence look just like sisters!"
259
00:14:14,372 --> 00:14:17,374
Well, somebody else
will probably say it.
260
00:14:17,408 --> 00:14:22,495
I am not a transvestite!
Or a stalker!
261
00:14:22,497 --> 00:14:26,166
- I am a woman!
- With that Adam's apple?
262
00:14:26,217 --> 00:14:28,668
Look, buddy,
security's on its way.
263
00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:30,553
So if you don't wanna get
arrested, I suggest you leave.
264
00:14:30,588 --> 00:14:33,340
Now.
Also...
265
00:14:33,342 --> 00:14:36,176
here's my number.
266
00:14:36,178 --> 00:14:38,929
[grunts]
267
00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:42,182
All right, I'm gonna call
the Oscar people right now
268
00:14:42,184 --> 00:14:44,100
and tell them you're my plus-one.
269
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:48,438
- Not so fast.
- How did you get in?
270
00:14:48,489 --> 00:14:52,692
I had to prove to the
receptionist that I'm a woman.
271
00:14:52,694 --> 00:14:57,864
- You took off your top?
- That ... didn't ... work.
272
00:15:03,204 --> 00:15:07,007
I hate to burden you with this,
but as your best friend,
273
00:15:07,041 --> 00:15:09,042
I need to tell you
that your friend Melanie
274
00:15:09,044 --> 00:15:10,543
is mean and deceitful.
275
00:15:10,545 --> 00:15:13,964
First of all, I'm
Victoria's best friend.
276
00:15:14,015 --> 00:15:16,716
And if anyone's being deceitful,
it's Joy.
277
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:19,719
Ladies, ladies, I can't
fault you for fighting over me,
278
00:15:19,770 --> 00:15:23,473
but you have to remember that
you're both my best friends.
279
00:15:23,524 --> 00:15:25,558
No, but you have to have
a best best friend.
280
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,144
And isn't that the person that's
always been there for you?
281
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:32,282
Oh, you mean like how
I poisoned Susan Lucci for her?
282
00:15:32,316 --> 00:15:33,900
I seduced a cannibal for her.
283
00:15:33,951 --> 00:15:37,570
Oh, please!
I seduced countless men for Victoria.
284
00:15:37,621 --> 00:15:40,740
In fact, I'm so devoted,
I married Victoria.
285
00:15:40,791 --> 00:15:42,826
You also divorced her.
286
00:15:42,877 --> 00:15:45,078
As I recall, it was a mean
and contentious divorce.
287
00:15:45,129 --> 00:15:50,000
It was not! How dare you
insult our beautiful union?
288
00:15:50,051 --> 00:15:52,919
Oh, please. I mean, I can't
even count how many times
289
00:15:52,970 --> 00:15:55,171
I have humiliated myself,
broken the law
290
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:59,092
and my own standards of decency
just to do things for Victoria.
291
00:15:59,094 --> 00:16:02,670
Well, take your number and double it.
292
00:16:02,705 --> 00:16:07,139
And remember, my standards
are lower than yours.
293
00:16:07,685 --> 00:16:09,769
Wait a minute.
294
00:16:09,771 --> 00:16:12,906
You and I have risked
our personal relationships,
295
00:16:12,940 --> 00:16:15,608
lives, and self-worth for Victoria.
296
00:16:15,659 --> 00:16:19,779
And now we're fighting
against each other for Victoria?
297
00:16:19,830 --> 00:16:22,615
We should be banding together
against her.
298
00:16:22,666 --> 00:16:26,336
Ooh, I do not like
the way this is going.
299
00:16:26,370 --> 00:16:28,455
Neither do we.
Come on, Joy. Let's go.
300
00:16:28,506 --> 00:16:30,006
Good-bye, Victoria.
301
00:16:30,041 --> 00:16:31,458
[text alert beeps]
302
00:16:31,509 --> 00:16:33,960
Oh, my god.
303
00:16:34,011 --> 00:16:37,464
I just got invited
to the Elton John Oscar party.
304
00:16:37,466 --> 00:16:38,798
Plus one.
305
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,468
Oh, please take me!
I'm his biggest fan!
306
00:16:41,470 --> 00:16:43,553
No, take me.
I'm your biggest fan.
307
00:16:43,604 --> 00:16:44,687
[gasps]
No, but you just said...
308
00:16:44,722 --> 00:16:46,139
I was just
trying to draw Melanie out,
309
00:16:46,141 --> 00:16:48,141
so she'd reveal
her true feelings about you.
310
00:16:48,143 --> 00:16:49,609
- That's what I was doing!
- Liar!
311
00:16:49,643 --> 00:16:52,054
You're the liar!
If you take her to that party,
312
00:16:52,055 --> 00:16:54,006
she's gonna embarrass you
by asking Elton if she looks
313
00:16:54,007 --> 00:16:56,983
- like Kate Beckinsale.
- I do look like Kate Beckinsale!
314
00:16:56,985 --> 00:16:59,819
Right now you look like Nate Beckinsale.
315
00:17:00,380 --> 00:17:02,873
You take that back.
316
00:17:02,908 --> 00:17:05,044
Make me, dude.
317
00:17:05,910 --> 00:17:08,411
[overlapping shouting]
318
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,396
I owe you both an apology.
319
00:17:12,447 --> 00:17:15,816
I should never have had you
compete for that Oscar ticket.
320
00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:18,742
And so I decided that the
fairest thing to do is to put
321
00:17:18,743 --> 00:17:21,822
both your names in a hat and
just choose my plus-one blindly.
322
00:17:21,873 --> 00:17:24,074
But first I want to read to you
323
00:17:24,125 --> 00:17:28,288
my Oscar acceptance speech
that Elka wrote.
324
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:31,548
As written, please.
325
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:34,585
Let the words do the work.
326
00:17:36,971 --> 00:17:41,091
- Writers. [chuckles]
- Actors.
327
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:46,346
"Thank you for this incredible honor.
328
00:17:46,348 --> 00:17:49,733
Thank you to the Academy,
to our brilliant producers
329
00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:54,071
Todd Milliner,
Josh and Joel Mandel ..."
330
00:17:54,105 --> 00:17:57,691
No, no.
This is not what I want to say.
331
00:17:57,742 --> 00:18:01,528
I need to speak from the heart.
332
00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:05,749
Here's the speech
that I'd really rather give.
333
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:08,285
I want to thank my two best friends.
334
00:18:08,336 --> 00:18:13,424
Yes, two. For 30 years, we
have had each other's backs.
335
00:18:13,458 --> 00:18:17,594
we have shared each other's
triumphs and heartbreaks,
336
00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:19,713
made the hard times good times
337
00:18:19,764 --> 00:18:23,050
and the good times great times.
338
00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:28,055
Melanie Moretti and Joy Scroggs,
I share this award with you
339
00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:30,274
as I share my life with you.
340
00:18:30,308 --> 00:18:36,647
- Oh, Victoria. That is so...
- Lovely and kind.
341
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,149
And we feel the exact same way
about you.
342
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,904
Oh, guys, I'm so sorry.
[sobbing]
343
00:18:43,906 --> 00:18:48,041
- Why did we ever fight about this?
- I know. What were we thinking?
344
00:18:48,076 --> 00:18:50,410
We would never ask you to
choose between the two of us.
345
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:51,712
[sighs]
346
00:18:51,746 --> 00:18:56,453
So why don't you take Elka
to the Oscars?
347
00:18:57,302 --> 00:19:01,588
Me?
Go to the Oscars?
348
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:07,094
- It's always been a dream.
- Well, then it's settled.
349
00:19:07,096 --> 00:19:08,896
Elka, you are my plus-one.
350
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:14,351
Come on, Melanie. Help me open
a celebratory bottle of wine.
351
00:19:14,402 --> 00:19:15,652
We'll toast to Elka.
352
00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:18,522
Hey, do we still have that great
bottle of Bordeaux I bought?
353
00:19:18,573 --> 00:19:23,193
Oh, sorry, I finished it up
for breakfast.
354
00:19:23,244 --> 00:19:25,746
That was a $1,000 bottle of wine.
355
00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:30,484
It really brought out
the subtle flavors of my eggo.
356
00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:38,175
Wow.
Your plan worked perfectly.
357
00:19:38,209 --> 00:19:40,260
They totally fell for the fake speech.
358
00:19:40,295 --> 00:19:43,013
- I told you they would.
- Oh.
359
00:19:43,047 --> 00:19:46,300
And I didn't have the heart
to choose between them.
360
00:19:46,302 --> 00:19:48,135
And I meant every word I said.
361
00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:51,522
But you're not gonna give
that speech, are you?
362
00:19:51,556 --> 00:19:53,273
Well, why not?
363
00:19:53,308 --> 00:19:57,861
No one wants to hear
about your non-celebrity friends.
364
00:19:57,896 --> 00:20:01,649
I know them, and I don't care.
365
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,319
Elka, can you believe you're
going to the Academy Awards?
366
00:20:05,321 --> 00:20:06,653
[doorbell rings]
367
00:20:06,655 --> 00:20:10,324
- What are you gonna wear?
- Oh. It's all so sudden.
368
00:20:10,326 --> 00:20:13,076
I hadn't given it a thought.
369
00:20:16,831 --> 00:20:19,733
Wow, Victoria.
Is that your Oscar gown?
370
00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:24,070
- Looks a little short for Victoria.
- Maybe I'll wear that.
371
00:20:26,762 --> 00:20:29,476
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00:20:29,526 --> 00:20:34,076
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