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1
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Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
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Okay Elka we have a lot of fundraisers
this week for your city council campaign.
3
00:00:08,243 --> 00:00:10,440
So there's the big _ auction
here on Saturday night.
4
00:00:10,474 --> 00:00:12,457
And then tomorrow you
are speaking at Irish American club.
5
00:00:13,084 --> 00:00:15,325
I have the perfect joke to open with.
6
00:00:15,411 --> 00:00:16,684
What is it?
7
00:00:17,724 --> 00:00:19,329
Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
8
00:00:19,411 --> 00:00:20,461
Why?
9
00:00:20,496 --> 00:00:22,547
He couldn't find three wise men
10
00:00:22,581 --> 00:00:24,632
or a virgin.
11
00:00:28,303 --> 00:00:30,805
No, you are not telling that joke,
12
00:00:32,975 --> 00:00:35,476
what's Irish and stays outside?
13
00:00:35,511 --> 00:00:37,929
Paddy O'furniture.
14
00:00:37,931 --> 00:00:40,932
[Cricket chirping]
15
00:00:40,983 --> 00:00:42,934
Oh, that stupid cricket.
16
00:00:42,936 --> 00:00:45,319
How come it only chirps
when I tell a joke?
17
00:00:45,354 --> 00:00:48,523
Something's got to fill the dead air.
18
00:00:48,574 --> 00:00:50,742
I just got a text from J.J.
19
00:00:50,776 --> 00:00:53,194
I am finally gonna meet
my young, hot screenwriter.
20
00:00:53,245 --> 00:00:54,328
He's coming over tomorrow.
21
00:00:54,363 --> 00:00:56,531
Is he really a junior at Cleveland state?
22
00:00:56,582 --> 00:00:59,617
Yes, my agent says
that doing a student film
23
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:01,085
is a brilliant move.
24
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,504
Now Buzzfeed is calling me hip and edgy.
25
00:01:03,539 --> 00:01:07,675
If your hips were any edgier,
they'd cut through your pants.
26
00:01:07,709 --> 00:01:10,845
Oh, thank you.
27
00:01:12,131 --> 00:01:13,881
I need help.
28
00:01:13,932 --> 00:01:15,850
I'm meeting Mitch in an hour,
and I can't decide what to wear,
29
00:01:15,884 --> 00:01:17,635
and I have to look perfect,
30
00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:19,771
because I'm finally gonna tell him
31
00:01:19,805 --> 00:01:21,973
how I feel about him.
32
00:01:21,975 --> 00:01:23,641
Of course I know you're all going to say
33
00:01:23,692 --> 00:01:26,194
I should just relax and be myself.
34
00:01:26,228 --> 00:01:29,480
[Cricket chirping]
35
00:01:29,531 --> 00:01:32,984
Oh, my God, Melanie's cricket's right.
36
00:01:32,986 --> 00:01:35,369
Being myself with men never works.
37
00:01:35,404 --> 00:01:37,488
Maybe I should try
being the opposite of me.
38
00:01:37,490 --> 00:01:38,823
Normally on a date,
39
00:01:38,874 --> 00:01:40,658
I'd drink alcohol for courage
40
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:42,710
and show as much leg as possible,
41
00:01:42,744 --> 00:01:47,298
so tonight, I'm going to not drink at all
42
00:01:47,332 --> 00:01:50,001
and wear long pants.
43
00:01:50,052 --> 00:01:52,220
[All gasp]
44
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- Synced and corrected by oykubuyuk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
45
00:02:02,596 --> 00:02:04,146
So, Joy, you said
you had something important
46
00:02:04,181 --> 00:02:05,147
you wanted to tell me?
47
00:02:05,182 --> 00:02:07,683
Yes, you see...
48
00:02:07,734 --> 00:02:09,685
could I just have a sip of your Martini?
49
00:02:09,736 --> 00:02:11,487
Oh, I thought you said
you weren't drinking tonight.
50
00:02:11,521 --> 00:02:13,522
Oh, just a tiny sip.
51
00:02:19,279 --> 00:02:23,616
Did you want to tell me
you have a drinking problem?
52
00:02:23,618 --> 00:02:26,252
No.
53
00:02:26,286 --> 00:02:29,121
Mitch, I'm just gonna say it.
54
00:02:29,172 --> 00:02:31,841
I am completely and totally...
55
00:02:31,875 --> 00:02:34,677
Hold that thought. Baz, hey.
56
00:02:34,711 --> 00:02:36,262
Sorry, Joy. This is my old friend baz.
57
00:02:36,296 --> 00:02:37,930
- Baz, this is Joy.
- Hello.
58
00:02:37,964 --> 00:02:39,298
You're early, man.
Just give me one second.
59
00:02:39,349 --> 00:02:40,716
Joy was telling me something.
60
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:44,470
You were saying you're
completely and totally... what?
61
00:02:44,472 --> 00:02:46,305
Needing to go to the bathroom.
62
00:02:46,307 --> 00:02:49,975
Excuse me.
63
00:02:50,026 --> 00:02:52,061
Hey, I hope it's okay
I said you were my old friend.
64
00:02:52,112 --> 00:02:53,729
I just don't want anyone to know
65
00:02:53,780 --> 00:02:55,231
that I hired a dating consultant.
66
00:02:55,282 --> 00:02:57,149
I'm terrible with women,
67
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,819
although I've been watching
a lot of romantic comedies,
68
00:02:59,821 --> 00:03:02,238
and I've noticed
that making a grand gesture
69
00:03:02,289 --> 00:03:03,372
seems to do the trick.
70
00:03:03,406 --> 00:03:05,207
Okay, first of all, you're a man.
71
00:03:05,242 --> 00:03:08,627
You shouldn't be watching
romantic comedies.
72
00:03:08,662 --> 00:03:09,829
Let's start simple.
73
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,332
Notice one thing about her
and compliment it.
74
00:03:13,383 --> 00:03:16,502
You find one special feature
no man has ever mentioned.
75
00:03:16,553 --> 00:03:17,887
I can do that.
76
00:03:17,921 --> 00:03:19,972
Next, ask her a question about herself
77
00:03:20,006 --> 00:03:22,675
and then seem fascinated by the answer.
78
00:03:22,726 --> 00:03:25,511
Hmm.
79
00:03:25,513 --> 00:03:27,146
Both: Hmm.
80
00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:28,848
Okay, you see that pretty blonde
81
00:03:28,850 --> 00:03:31,233
over there at the bar,
the one separated from the herd?
82
00:03:31,268 --> 00:03:35,237
Be a cowboy. Go lasso her.
83
00:03:38,692 --> 00:03:40,326
Okay, let's stop.
84
00:03:42,829 --> 00:03:45,748
Melanie, it's me. It's a disaster.
85
00:03:45,782 --> 00:03:48,000
Don't worry, honey. We're all behind you.
86
00:03:48,034 --> 00:03:50,119
- Thanks.
- No, literally. Turn around.
87
00:03:52,789 --> 00:03:54,290
Thank God you're here.
88
00:03:54,341 --> 00:03:56,041
Well, we thought
things might not work out,
89
00:03:56,092 --> 00:03:57,543
so we have a brilliant plan.
90
00:03:57,545 --> 00:04:01,597
Dear, you look like a woman
of refinement and distinction.
91
00:04:01,631 --> 00:04:04,183
- Thank you, Elka.
- It doesn't suit you.
92
00:04:04,217 --> 00:04:05,634
Here. Snip, snip.
93
00:04:26,072 --> 00:04:27,957
Would you tell Mitch
that I needed to leave?
94
00:04:27,991 --> 00:04:28,958
Sure, sure.
95
00:04:28,992 --> 00:04:30,242
But can I just tell you one thing?
96
00:04:30,244 --> 00:04:32,661
You have the most beautiful...
97
00:04:32,712 --> 00:04:34,630
Legs. Yes, thanks. Whatever.
98
00:04:34,664 --> 00:04:37,166
Actually, I was gonna say elbows.
99
00:04:37,217 --> 00:04:40,336
Your elbows are exquisite.
100
00:04:40,387 --> 00:04:42,338
Really?
101
00:04:42,389 --> 00:04:46,759
I do use a granular scrub.
102
00:04:46,810 --> 00:04:50,763
A granular scrub. Hmm.
103
00:04:50,765 --> 00:04:53,766
- So, Joy, you married?
- No.
104
00:04:53,768 --> 00:04:57,937
But there is someone I'm interested in.
105
00:04:57,988 --> 00:04:59,104
Who, Mitch?
106
00:04:59,106 --> 00:05:01,357
Pretty obvious, I suppose,
107
00:05:01,408 --> 00:05:02,775
though not to him.
108
00:05:02,777 --> 00:05:04,360
You know, Joy, maybe I can help.
109
00:05:04,411 --> 00:05:07,246
How about you and I go out to dinner?
110
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,498
I'll fill you in on everything
Mitch likes in a woman.
111
00:05:09,532 --> 00:05:11,116
You would do that for me?
112
00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:14,753
I would do anything for those elbows.
113
00:05:14,788 --> 00:05:17,957
[Chuckles] They are rather soft.
114
00:05:18,008 --> 00:05:19,792
It's the granular scrub.
115
00:05:19,843 --> 00:05:21,460
[Laughs]
116
00:05:24,130 --> 00:05:25,297
How's tomorrow night?
117
00:05:25,348 --> 00:05:27,716
- It's a date.
- I'll see you then.
118
00:05:35,859 --> 00:05:37,476
How'd it go?
119
00:05:37,478 --> 00:05:39,979
Well, your tricks worked,
but I couldn't stand her.
120
00:05:40,030 --> 00:05:41,730
She's way into astrology,
121
00:05:41,781 --> 00:05:44,149
and she talks in this awful baby talk.
122
00:05:44,151 --> 00:05:45,651
She wanted to know what sign I was
123
00:05:45,653 --> 00:05:47,870
because apparently her new "wittle" kitten
124
00:05:47,904 --> 00:05:52,074
doesn't like "awies."
125
00:05:52,125 --> 00:05:54,493
Okay, moving on. Pick another one.
126
00:05:54,495 --> 00:05:57,162
You know, I don't think I want to.
127
00:05:57,213 --> 00:05:59,498
The strangest thing happened.
128
00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:01,800
When I looked over
and saw you and Joy laughing,
129
00:06:01,835 --> 00:06:05,087
I think I felt jealous.
130
00:06:05,138 --> 00:06:07,589
What, are you saying you want Joy?
131
00:06:07,641 --> 00:06:10,059
I think I am.
132
00:06:10,093 --> 00:06:11,644
Here's what you do.
133
00:06:11,678 --> 00:06:13,812
You let me take her out to dinner.
134
00:06:13,847 --> 00:06:18,350
I'll find out everything
she wants in a man.
135
00:06:18,352 --> 00:06:19,935
- Hi, Mitch.
- Hi, Elka.
136
00:06:19,986 --> 00:06:23,272
Gonna introduce me
to your handsome friend?
137
00:06:23,323 --> 00:06:25,407
Elka, this is Baz.
138
00:06:25,442 --> 00:06:26,859
- Baz, Elka.
- Hi.
139
00:06:26,861 --> 00:06:31,864
Has anyone ever told you
you have gorgeous earlobes?
140
00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:35,701
Actually, no, I...
141
00:06:35,752 --> 00:06:38,087
hey.
142
00:06:38,121 --> 00:06:40,122
You're good.
143
00:06:41,708 --> 00:06:43,676
Now watch me walk away.
144
00:06:51,351 --> 00:06:53,769
[Doorbell chimes]
145
00:06:53,803 --> 00:06:54,887
Hi.
146
00:06:54,889 --> 00:06:57,356
You've obviously got the wrong house.
147
00:06:57,390 --> 00:06:59,475
No one here would ever order a pizza.
148
00:06:59,526 --> 00:07:02,394
I mean, sometimes we
get one just to sniff it,
149
00:07:02,445 --> 00:07:04,530
but then we immediately
squirt it with windex
150
00:07:04,564 --> 00:07:06,782
and throw it out.
151
00:07:06,816 --> 00:07:08,367
Why am I telling you this?
152
00:07:08,401 --> 00:07:09,902
You probably don't even speak English.
153
00:07:09,953 --> 00:07:11,320
I speak English.
154
00:07:11,371 --> 00:07:13,906
Oh, well, good for you. Buh-bye.
155
00:07:18,078 --> 00:07:22,214
Look, I'm expecting someone
for a very important meeting.
156
00:07:22,248 --> 00:07:25,467
He's a young, hip screenwriter
who wrote a brilliant script.
157
00:07:25,502 --> 00:07:29,755
- Brilliant?
- Yes, that means molto bene.
158
00:07:29,806 --> 00:07:32,141
Although I'll never tell him.
159
00:07:32,175 --> 00:07:34,426
I need to bend him to my will,
160
00:07:34,428 --> 00:07:36,929
mold him like a piece of marble.
161
00:07:36,980 --> 00:07:40,599
You carve marble. You mold clay.
162
00:07:40,601 --> 00:07:42,434
I know what I'm saying.
163
00:07:42,436 --> 00:07:44,987
After all, which one of us speaks English?
164
00:07:45,021 --> 00:07:48,524
I'm not sure.
165
00:07:48,575 --> 00:07:49,942
Maybe we should start again.
166
00:07:49,993 --> 00:07:51,777
I'm J.J.,
167
00:07:51,779 --> 00:07:54,246
and I hear I've written a brilliant script.
168
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:00,502
You're J.J.? But you're not young and hip.
169
00:08:00,537 --> 00:08:03,038
You're... how can I put this nicely?
170
00:08:03,089 --> 00:08:06,959
You're old and Cleveland-y.
171
00:08:07,010 --> 00:08:08,460
I was afraid you were going to be
172
00:08:08,511 --> 00:08:10,345
a crazy Hollywood actress.
173
00:08:10,380 --> 00:08:12,965
So we were both wrong.
174
00:08:13,016 --> 00:08:14,516
Sure.
175
00:08:14,551 --> 00:08:17,302
I'm guessing this pizza's all for me.
176
00:08:17,353 --> 00:08:19,638
Oh, I'll sniff a slice.
177
00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,607
[Sniffs]
178
00:08:21,641 --> 00:08:23,308
Ah.
179
00:08:23,310 --> 00:08:25,310
Just one.
180
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:29,447
Hey, thanks for making the coffee.
181
00:08:29,482 --> 00:08:30,565
No problem.
182
00:08:30,616 --> 00:08:32,150
Something tells me you like having people
183
00:08:32,152 --> 00:08:33,785
do things for you.
184
00:08:33,819 --> 00:08:37,372
I do. You get me.
185
00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:43,244
I'm actually glad that you're
not some young college hotshot.
186
00:08:43,295 --> 00:08:44,996
Oh, nothing gets me more depressed
187
00:08:44,998 --> 00:08:47,999
than when young people are good at things.
188
00:08:48,001 --> 00:08:51,169
Well, I'm glad you're perfect for the role.
189
00:08:51,171 --> 00:08:55,974
You're a gifted actress
and a concert pianist.
190
00:08:56,008 --> 00:08:58,676
Yeah.
191
00:08:58,727 --> 00:09:01,513
Uh, now might be a good time to mention
192
00:09:01,564 --> 00:09:04,098
that Hollywood actors are expected
193
00:09:04,149 --> 00:09:06,184
to embellish their resumes.
194
00:09:06,186 --> 00:09:08,102
So you don't play the piano?
195
00:09:08,153 --> 00:09:10,688
Mm, not excellently,
196
00:09:10,739 --> 00:09:14,826
but I am really good
at doing brilliant piano hands.
197
00:09:16,662 --> 00:09:17,612
[Laughs]
198
00:09:17,663 --> 00:09:19,280
No, no, I need someone who can play.
199
00:09:19,331 --> 00:09:20,865
You see, this character
expresses her emotions
200
00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:21,866
through music.
201
00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:24,285
Oh, oh, you want emotions? Huh.
202
00:09:24,336 --> 00:09:26,337
Anger.
203
00:09:27,339 --> 00:09:29,457
Sad.
204
00:09:31,293 --> 00:09:33,294
Mischievous.
205
00:09:36,348 --> 00:09:37,882
Yeah, I don't think
this is gonna work out.
206
00:09:37,884 --> 00:09:38,883
No, no, no. Listen.
207
00:09:38,934 --> 00:09:41,185
I love this script,
208
00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:42,937
and I love the character you created.
209
00:09:42,972 --> 00:09:45,473
I will do anything to play this part.
210
00:09:45,524 --> 00:09:49,110
Fine, get a piano here today.
I'll start teaching you tonight.
211
00:09:49,144 --> 00:09:51,446
Oh, thank you. You won't regret it.
212
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,564
Yeah.
213
00:09:52,566 --> 00:09:54,616
Happy.
214
00:09:57,653 --> 00:10:00,622
And I love the way he smells
and his generosity.
215
00:10:00,656 --> 00:10:02,657
I can't stand a cheap man.
216
00:10:02,708 --> 00:10:04,409
Oh, and he's not obsessed with sports.
217
00:10:04,460 --> 00:10:07,128
But I'm really hoping
to find out what he likes.
218
00:10:07,162 --> 00:10:11,132
Well, Mitch is really into astrology.
219
00:10:11,166 --> 00:10:13,501
- Astrology.
- Mm.
220
00:10:13,552 --> 00:10:17,422
Also... this is gonna sound kind of weird.
221
00:10:17,424 --> 00:10:20,258
He loves baby talk. He finds it sexy.
222
00:10:20,309 --> 00:10:21,926
He really loves it?
223
00:10:21,928 --> 00:10:24,929
He "wea-wy woves" it.
224
00:10:27,483 --> 00:10:29,767
[Playing bright music]
225
00:10:29,769 --> 00:10:33,605
You're amazing. I had no idea.
226
00:10:34,907 --> 00:10:35,857
[Sneezes]
227
00:10:35,908 --> 00:10:36,941
Bless you.
228
00:10:36,992 --> 00:10:38,993
Thanks.
229
00:10:44,833 --> 00:10:47,669
Victoria, a player piano?
230
00:10:47,703 --> 00:10:50,204
Unless J.J.'s an idiot,
he's never gonna fall for that.
231
00:10:50,255 --> 00:10:53,625
Well, you fell for it.
232
00:10:53,627 --> 00:10:55,960
I'm very trusting.
233
00:10:56,011 --> 00:10:57,462
So what's J.J. Like?
234
00:10:57,464 --> 00:10:59,847
Well, he's actually kind of brilliant
235
00:10:59,882 --> 00:11:03,434
in a gruff, diamond-in-the-rough way.
236
00:11:03,469 --> 00:11:05,520
I'm oddly taken with him.
237
00:11:05,554 --> 00:11:07,972
That's why I bought the player piano.
238
00:11:08,023 --> 00:11:11,693
He makes me want to appear
to be a better person.
239
00:11:11,727 --> 00:11:13,728
[Doorbell chimes]
240
00:11:15,781 --> 00:11:17,649
- Hi, J.J.
- Victoria, I'm in shock.
241
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:19,317
I heard you playing walking up the street.
242
00:11:19,368 --> 00:11:21,152
- It sounded beautiful.
- Aw, thanks.
243
00:11:21,203 --> 00:11:23,371
You know, playing the piano's
kind of like riding a bike.
244
00:11:23,405 --> 00:11:25,156
Once you learn, you never forget.
245
00:11:25,158 --> 00:11:29,160
Everybody hold still.
The cricket's on the piano.
246
00:11:29,211 --> 00:11:32,163
[Music playing]
247
00:11:32,214 --> 00:11:36,000
248
00:11:36,051 --> 00:11:39,053
Also, I don't know how to ride a bike.
249
00:11:42,007 --> 00:11:44,342
So what did Joy tell you?
250
00:11:44,344 --> 00:11:47,845
Well, she likes a man to smell like a man,
251
00:11:47,847 --> 00:11:50,682
so don't shower for a few days.
252
00:11:50,733 --> 00:11:53,234
Get ripe.
253
00:11:53,268 --> 00:11:55,236
- You sure?
- That's what she said.
254
00:11:55,270 --> 00:11:59,407
And she wants a guy that loves sports.
255
00:11:59,441 --> 00:12:02,443
And be frugal.
She admires a penny pincher.
256
00:12:02,494 --> 00:12:05,029
But this is all so different
than the way she's seen me act.
257
00:12:05,031 --> 00:12:06,030
So?
258
00:12:06,032 --> 00:12:07,532
You tell her you have a work self
259
00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:09,000
and a true self.
260
00:12:09,034 --> 00:12:10,535
Now, go get stinky.
261
00:12:10,537 --> 00:12:14,122
Yes, for Joy.
262
00:12:14,173 --> 00:12:17,125
[Playing graceful melody off-key]
263
00:12:17,176 --> 00:12:25,183
264
00:12:27,970 --> 00:12:31,222
You're getting there, kid.
Let's do it again.
265
00:12:31,224 --> 00:12:34,726
No, no, no, no, no. No more practicing.
266
00:12:34,728 --> 00:12:36,894
I know. Let's go to dinner.
267
00:12:36,945 --> 00:12:38,780
You're hungry?
268
00:12:38,814 --> 00:12:43,234
Well, I could sniff some Chinese.
269
00:12:43,236 --> 00:12:45,069
We could swing by your place,
so you could change.
270
00:12:45,071 --> 00:12:46,404
I'm sure it was just an oversight,
271
00:12:46,406 --> 00:12:50,158
but you're wearing a brown belt
and black shoes.
272
00:12:50,209 --> 00:12:52,794
My most comfortable belt
with my most comfortable shoes.
273
00:12:52,828 --> 00:12:55,163
All right, well, that's a slippery slope.
274
00:12:55,214 --> 00:12:57,048
I mean, once you start
dressing for comfort,
275
00:12:57,082 --> 00:13:00,918
before you know it,
you'll be eating for pleasure.
276
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,253
I always eat for pleasure.
277
00:13:02,255 --> 00:13:05,256
Well, I haven't done that since the '80s.
278
00:13:05,258 --> 00:13:06,507
I can honestly say
279
00:13:06,558 --> 00:13:08,976
I have never met a woman like you.
280
00:13:09,011 --> 00:13:12,597
Thank you.
281
00:13:12,599 --> 00:13:14,015
You know, when you go to Hollywood,
282
00:13:14,066 --> 00:13:15,600
you're gonna meet a lot of people like me.
283
00:13:15,651 --> 00:13:17,018
I'd never leave Cleveland.
284
00:13:17,069 --> 00:13:20,188
My memories with my late wife are here.
285
00:13:20,239 --> 00:13:23,941
This movie is my last love letter to her.
286
00:13:23,992 --> 00:13:27,578
That must be why
it touched me so when I read it.
287
00:13:27,613 --> 00:13:28,946
You must miss her terribly.
288
00:13:28,997 --> 00:13:31,616
I know I miss my husband.
289
00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:34,535
The worst time for me is waking up.
290
00:13:34,586 --> 00:13:37,088
It's that brief moment
just before you're conscious
291
00:13:37,122 --> 00:13:39,423
when you forget.
292
00:13:39,458 --> 00:13:40,625
Yeah, I know what you mean.
293
00:13:40,627 --> 00:13:44,045
I reach over for Emmet and...
294
00:13:44,096 --> 00:13:46,464
and the moment is gone.
295
00:13:46,466 --> 00:13:49,133
Nice to talk about this
with someone who knows.
296
00:13:49,184 --> 00:13:51,269
Yeah, it is.
297
00:13:51,303 --> 00:13:53,221
So there hasn't been anyone since...
298
00:13:53,272 --> 00:13:56,190
No, no, no. I don't date.
299
00:13:56,225 --> 00:13:57,809
But what if,
300
00:13:57,811 --> 00:14:01,145
oh, like, you met this amazing,
beautiful woman
301
00:14:01,196 --> 00:14:02,897
who was willing to overlook your flaws?
302
00:14:02,948 --> 00:14:08,319
You know, once you fixed a few things.
303
00:14:08,321 --> 00:14:10,655
No, I'd be flattered,
304
00:14:10,706 --> 00:14:12,990
but I got it right the first time.
305
00:14:12,992 --> 00:14:16,828
Well, she was a very lucky
woman to have had you.
306
00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:18,546
Ah.
307
00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:20,581
Oh, dear Lord.
308
00:14:25,106 --> 00:14:26,773
This is great, right?
Going out to dinner after work.
309
00:14:26,775 --> 00:14:29,075
Gives us a chance to go
from our work selves
310
00:14:29,109 --> 00:14:30,994
to our true selves.
311
00:14:31,028 --> 00:14:33,363
Yes, to our true selves.
312
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,615
Hope you don't mind eating at 4:30.
313
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,000
Early bird special.
314
00:14:37,034 --> 00:14:40,169
Also, I brought us our own appetizers.
315
00:14:40,204 --> 00:14:43,289
That's where they get you.
316
00:14:43,291 --> 00:14:44,691
Mushroom cap?
317
00:14:44,725 --> 00:14:48,678
Thanks, but I wonder if those
might not have taken a turn.
318
00:14:48,712 --> 00:14:50,430
Oh, that's not the
mushrooms you're smelling.
319
00:14:50,464 --> 00:14:52,966
That's all me, baby.
320
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,051
I believe a man should smell like a man.
321
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:57,136
I haven't taken a shower in days.
322
00:14:57,187 --> 00:15:01,140
Also saves on the water bill.
323
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,560
So "fwugal."
324
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:08,147
Sounds "wike" somebody is a "sagittawius."
325
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,902
Oh, you're into astrology.
326
00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:15,204
Yes, I'm a "tauwus."
327
00:15:15,239 --> 00:15:18,992
Don't show me "wed."
328
00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:23,830
Hey, about those Browns?
329
00:15:23,832 --> 00:15:26,633
Oh, you like the Browns, do you?
330
00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:28,334
Are you kidding me?
I live and breathe 'em.
331
00:15:28,336 --> 00:15:30,219
I'm even thinking
about getting season tickets
332
00:15:30,254 --> 00:15:31,471
in the dawg pound.
333
00:15:31,505 --> 00:15:33,172
We could paint our faces
and go every Sunday.
334
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:36,676
[Barks]
335
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,894
He smells bad,
336
00:15:37,928 --> 00:15:40,179
and I'm making a complete fool of myself.
337
00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:43,599
One of those things I can't believe.
338
00:15:45,102 --> 00:15:46,986
I better get back.
339
00:15:47,021 --> 00:15:48,688
Wait a minute and call my cell.
340
00:15:48,690 --> 00:15:50,773
Pretend it's an emergency,
so I have to leave.
341
00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:52,525
Oh, honey, he's gonna see
right through that trick.
342
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,027
Joy, there's been an emergency.
343
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:57,697
I have to leave.
344
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,123
Oh, thanks for coming, J.J.
345
00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:10,176
Hey, your belt matches your shoes.
346
00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:12,211
It happens every now and then.
347
00:16:12,262 --> 00:16:13,546
[Laughs]
348
00:16:13,548 --> 00:16:16,549
I'm excited to bid on
Joy's eyebrow shaping.
349
00:16:16,551 --> 00:16:18,601
Oh, well, good.
350
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:21,387
I was joking.
351
00:16:21,389 --> 00:16:24,223
As was I.
352
00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:26,059
Elka, why did you invite only men?
353
00:16:26,061 --> 00:16:27,393
No one's bidding on anything.
354
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,312
Well, I've got a few old things
355
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,280
that I think they might like.
356
00:16:31,315 --> 00:16:33,616
Okay, well, I'll get their attention.
357
00:16:33,650 --> 00:16:35,068
[Glass clinks]
358
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:39,822
It's time to say thank you
to three special women.
359
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:41,207
Come on up, girls.
360
00:16:41,241 --> 00:16:44,043
[Applause]
361
00:16:44,078 --> 00:16:45,128
Thank you.
362
00:16:45,162 --> 00:16:46,546
We're always ready to do our part
363
00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:48,464
- for Elka's campaign.
- Good.
364
00:16:48,499 --> 00:16:51,250
Let's starting the bidding with Melanie.
365
00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:52,635
Bidding?
366
00:16:52,669 --> 00:16:56,422
Who would give me 200
for this uninhibited beauty?
367
00:16:56,424 --> 00:16:59,258
- Elka, I am not a piece of...
- $1,000.
368
00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:03,429
1,000, really? Wow.
369
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,931
And like you said in the email,
370
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,599
no taboos, right?
371
00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:09,102
What oh, no, there are taboos.
372
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,653
Get off the block. You're sold.
373
00:17:10,687 --> 00:17:13,239
[Stammers]
374
00:17:13,273 --> 00:17:14,991
I have a date.
375
00:17:15,025 --> 00:17:16,943
Mother's gonna have
to get herself out of the tub
376
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,995
Saturday night.
377
00:17:23,283 --> 00:17:28,621
Next up on Antiques
Roadshow, Victoria Chase.
378
00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:30,006
I bid 5,000.
379
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,675
Oh, J.J., that's so sweet.
380
00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:34,594
Anyone here want to bid against me?
381
00:17:34,628 --> 00:17:37,130
Put your arm down.
382
00:17:38,382 --> 00:17:40,633
Sold to the man who doesn't know
383
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:42,802
what he's getting into.
384
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:47,190
Oh, J.J., you didn't have
to spend all that.
385
00:17:47,224 --> 00:17:48,441
You could've just asked me out.
386
00:17:48,475 --> 00:17:49,475
It's not a date.
387
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:51,727
I paid for five hours of your time.
388
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,229
Then what are we gonna do?
389
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,816
You're going to practice.
390
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,117
Oh.
391
00:17:58,152 --> 00:18:01,204
But maybe we could have dinner first.
392
00:18:01,238 --> 00:18:04,157
- I'd like that.
- Me too.
393
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:07,493
- So it is a date?
- I guess it is.
394
00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:09,495
Well...
395
00:18:09,497 --> 00:18:13,049
Now, I've saved the last for last.
396
00:18:18,172 --> 00:18:21,340
Do I hear a quarter?
397
00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:22,892
Joy.
398
00:18:22,926 --> 00:18:25,478
Mitch may not appreciate you, but I do.
399
00:18:25,512 --> 00:18:27,597
$2,000.
400
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,398
Going...
401
00:18:29,433 --> 00:18:30,399
Going...
402
00:18:30,434 --> 00:18:32,401
3,000.
403
00:18:32,436 --> 00:18:33,569
Mitch?
404
00:18:33,604 --> 00:18:36,072
Joy, that wasn't us last night.
405
00:18:36,106 --> 00:18:37,190
He played us.
406
00:18:37,192 --> 00:18:39,192
He told me to be someone that I'm not,
407
00:18:39,194 --> 00:18:41,744
and I'm guessing he told you
to be someone you're not too.
408
00:18:41,778 --> 00:18:43,863
She's way out of your league, dude. 4,000.
409
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:45,031
You wanted her all along.
410
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,199
5,000.
411
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,867
Because I'm better for her than you.
412
00:18:47,869 --> 00:18:50,369
- 6,000.
- Look, Joy.
413
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:52,922
I smell really good,
414
00:18:52,956 --> 00:18:55,458
and I waste money like crazy.
415
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:56,843
You do?
416
00:18:56,877 --> 00:19:00,630
And I don't talk baby talk,
and I hate astrology.
417
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:04,267
- I've been a blind fool.
- Yes, you have.
418
00:19:04,301 --> 00:19:06,802
You're everything that I want and more.
419
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:08,554
I am?
420
00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:11,057
$10,000, and the date starts right now.
421
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,530
- Where are we going?
- Not far.
422
00:19:17,564 --> 00:19:21,150
You weigh a little more than I thought.
423
00:19:23,056 --> 00:19:24,890
I hate the guy, but I
kind of wish Baz was here
424
00:19:24,892 --> 00:19:26,025
to tell me what to say to you.
425
00:19:26,059 --> 00:19:29,061
Maybe you don't need to say anything.
426
00:19:29,063 --> 00:19:33,816
Okay. But I do need to kiss you.
427
00:19:37,788 --> 00:19:39,822
Your lips are really soft.
428
00:19:39,873 --> 00:19:42,958
You should feel my elbows.
429
00:19:44,995 --> 00:19:48,581
- What?
- Never mind.
430
00:19:50,133 --> 00:19:52,251
Oh, there you are. I hope you don't mind.
431
00:19:52,253 --> 00:19:56,422
I found something in your shower
that I'd like to keep.
432
00:19:56,473 --> 00:19:57,423
Really?
433
00:19:57,474 --> 00:19:59,141
- [Cricket chirps]
- Oh!
434
00:19:59,176 --> 00:20:00,843
- You caught the cricket.
- Yes.
435
00:20:00,894 --> 00:20:03,429
It's a very rare teleogryllus mitratus.
436
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,897
I'm an entomologist.
437
00:20:04,931 --> 00:20:08,000
I have a live female in
my lab ready to mate.
438
00:20:08,034 --> 00:20:09,602
The female has no sex organ,
439
00:20:09,604 --> 00:20:13,105
so the male must use
his sharp, barbed penis
440
00:20:13,107 --> 00:20:15,491
to saw through her carapace.
441
00:20:17,444 --> 00:20:19,478
We'll watch it together.
442
00:20:19,528 --> 00:20:24,078
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