Original subtitles

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Great news!

I got the results back from my doctor.

That weird mole is not skin cancer.

Oh, thank heavens!

Oh, I am so happy!

All those times I said,

"don't worry, that mole is nothing,"

I was actually thinking, "oh, my God,

that repulsive mole has 'killer' written all over it."

I know!

I ate an entire can of frosting last night

thinking, "oh, what does it matter... "

Oh, my God, I ate an entire can of frosting last night.

You know what? I don't care.

In fact, I have a whole new lease on life.

I am going to see the good in everything...

every person, every experience.

- Must you? - I must.

I am living in the moment!

Do you know why they call it the present?

[Sighs]

Because it's a gift.

Yeah, this won't get annoying.

Hey, Victoria! How was L.A.?

Well, I have a major sad announcement to make.

I didn't get the part, and...

[Drops bag] my wedding is ruined.

[Gasps]

What happened?

Oh, they insisted that I screen test in character,

and I agreed because the academy just loves it

when a beautiful actress makes herself look hideous

for a role.

Only I didn't get the role,

and so now I'm just a beautiful actress

who looks hideous.

Oh, honey, you're about to marry the love of your life.

It doesn't matter how you look.

What is wrong with her?

Melanie just found out she's cancer-free,

and she's turning into one of those

"life is beautiful" people that you have to block on Facebook.

Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.

Thank you. Now, on the plus side,

everyone has one thing go wrong at their wedding, right?

Now you've had yours.

Her wedding is in prison.

I think that box has been checked.

Just wear your emergency wig.

Emmet will never know the difference.

I remember my wedding.

You mean the groom clubbing you over the head

and dragging you to his cave?

It's true. I'm old.

Let's talk about your weddings.

Oh, that's right.

Yes, two men did leave me at the altar.

But Simon would've married me

when I was pregnant with Owen

if my mother hadn't sent him off.

I know he's a rat for never trying to get in touch,

but... there's just something about your first love.

He knocked you up and skipped town.

But I see the point Joy is trying to make.

I mean, even my prison wedding won't be as sad as her life.

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, it's my wedding planner.

Huh.

Apparently, there's a new warden at the prison

and he wants to see me.

It's a pleasure to meet you, warden,

but I'm still a tad confused

as to why we're in this dank holding cell...

which is slightly reminiscent of a subway restroom.

Because this dank holding cell is where you're getting married.

What?

I was promised an outdoor wedding.

I have 150 celebrity guests coming.

And the Death Row A Cappella quartet

is singing Killing Me Softly.

Well, none of that is going to happen.

And it's a trio now.

Well, on the plus side...

Um...

Um...

- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

This is outrageous.

My wedding planner Jeffrey won't stand for it.

I had one inmate bite another inmate's nose off this morning.

I think I can handle wedding planner Jeffrey.

All right, you just check with the old warden,

and he'll tell you that we had

an entirely different arrangement.

He's been fired for taking bribes.

What! That's shocking.

But just out of curiosity,

will the people who paid those bribes

be getting reimbursed?

Darling.

- Oh, Emmet! - [Laughing]

- Both: Mm! - Darling, love the do-rag.

My dear friend Anquan in block seven

wears one just like it.

Where's our wedding planner?

I'm your wedding planner now.

You're going to be married in this room,

with absolutely no press whatsoever.

But we sold the exclusive rights to UK People.

No press.

And instead of 150 guests, I'm limiting you to 4.

14?

4.

44?

4!

Stop pretending you're not hearing me.

And one of them has to be your officiant.

But we've invited so many of our famous friends.

I mean, which three would we choose?

[All clearing throat]

Oh, right. Uh, Emmet?

Darling, at least we'll be

spending our wedding night together.

[Laughs]

That won't be changing, will it?

Yes, you will have your honeymoon

in the prisoner conjugal trailer,

third shift.

You might wanna bring your own sheets.

Sheets? Well, la-dee-da.

Oh, I can't believe how nervous I am.

On the plus side, it means you're feeling alive.

I'd rather be nervous than irritated, Melanie.

You look so beautiful.

I'm sorry they won't let you have a photographer.

Oh, there's a photographer.

No, I arranged for the guy from UK People to be ordained.

He's performing our ceremony.

How's he taking the pictures?

So the lens is in the center,

and then I control the zoom on either side.

- That's ingenious! - Yeah!

Madonna threw it at me in the '80s,

and I turned it into a camera.

Tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips.

Nationwide is on your side. Nationwide is on your side.

Why are you saying that?

It's my good luck vocal exercise.

I've done it before all six of my weddings.

I just know it's gonna be magical.

All right, ladies. Arms up and spread 'em.

[Beep]

Titanium hip.

[Beep]

Underwire bra.

[Beeps twice]

Garter flask. Ketel one.

I have to admit, Melanie's right.

No matter what the circumstances,

it's always wonderful to celebrate love.

Bloody hell.

What?

That priest. That's Simon, my baby daddy.

A priest?

Joy, is there no one you won't sleep with?

Holy crap!

Joy Scroggs?

Is that you?

Do you two know each other?

We certainly do.

This is the man who got me pregnant

when I was a teenager

and then disappeared without a trace.

- Joy! I was... - Shh!

We are not going to ruin Victoria's wedding.

- I have to tell you... - Shh!

How did you even get here?

- You gonna let me answer... - Shh!

Hello, darling.

Victoria.

You look ravishing. [Laughs]

Well, if I could ask the wedding party to line up

over here then, please, and smile.

And remember, if you can't see the cross,

the cross can't see you.

"Love is patient, love is kind."

Yeah, right.

"Love doesn't take offense and is never resentful."

Who wrote this crap?

Joy,

maybe somebody less bitter should read it.

"And now these three remain... faith, hope, and love."

Oh, I love love.

I love faith.

And Hope. That's my middle name.

It really is. Melanie Hope Moretti.

Is she special needs?

How about we just go to the vows?

Victoria, I love you.

I love your sparkling wit, your generous spirit,

and the adorable way you snort when you laugh.

But most of all, I love your eyes.

When I look in your eyes, I am home.

[Sniffles]

My darling Emmet...

you first amazed me by proving that soul mates really do exist.

And now I'm amazed that, even in this prison cell,

this is the most spectacular day of my life.

I love you, Emmet Lawson.

Okay, by the power vested in me

by the omniversallifechurch.org,

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[Shutter snaps]

[Sniffles]

Just allergies.

Elka, I need to talk to Joy.

Is she here?

Not sure she wants to talk to you.

Yes, well, given our history, I can understand that,

but I have to see her one more time.

Are you sure about this?

You got away clean once before.

I don't know if I'm ready to see him yet.

I mean, I want to,

but I have to be mentally prepared.

Is he happily married?

Is he gonna whip out pictures of his beautiful children?

Or has he been living like a hermit,

forsaking all women because I was his one true love?

Yeah, I don't think you'll have to prepare for that one.

Joy, I don't want you to miss this opportunity.

I'll go talk to him and find out what you wanna know.

No, you'll just "on the plus side" everything he says.

I need someone who's gonna tell me the hard truth,

even if it hurts and tears me apart.

I'll do it.

No, I never married.

Really? A handsome guy like yourself?

Are you flirting with me?

I've looked up a kilt or two.

[Laughs] I'll bet you have, you saucy minx.

So how come you never called Joy?

I never forgot about her.

Look, I know a lot of time has gone by,

but can you tell her that I'm still the same guy

in that club on Dorchester Street

that asked a beautiful girl in a yellow dress

to dance to Blondie's Heart of Glass?

To dance to Blondie's Heart of Glass.

Oh, that's so sweet. He remembered everything.

He remembered nothing!

I've never been in that club, I look terrible in yellow,

and that was definitely not the song.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go tell him.

Maybe it was Whip It by Devo.

Tainted Love by Soft Cell.

Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran.

Sure, I'm 91. I can do this all night.

[Soft piano music]

Darling,

I know this conjugal trailer is not what we envisioned,

but I promise you

an embarrassingly outlandish honeymoon

the moment I'm released. [Laughs]

In the meantime, Lady Lawson...

[Gasps] Ooh!

Let's make every minute count.

Oh, yes. Let's.

- But don't forget. - I know.

I've been married before. Don't touch the hair.

It was not Hungry Like the Wolf, you idiot.

I know.

I also knew that if I could get your anger up enough,

you'd come out and see me.

The song was Karma Chameleon.

And I thought, "oh, God, I hate that song."

I looked up and I saw you.

Tight black jeans, white T-shirt,

hair down to your waist.

Then you turned around.

And I thought, "well, I'm a goner, aren't I?"

So I got up, I walked over to you,

and I said...

"You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life."

And you looked at me with those big, soft, brown eyes

- and you said... - "Bugger off, you drunken git."

And I thought, "Simon, you've found yourself a real lady."

Well, I'm no longer that angry, foul-mouthed little girl.

Now, I'm an angry, foul-mouthed grown woman.

Why the [Bleep] haven't I heard from you in 30 years?

[Sighs] That was wonderful.

Yeah.

I can't believe we broke the bed.

Well, I think the couple before us

might've loosened it up a bit.

Oh, I love you.

- I love you too. - Mm.

In a few months, when I'm released,

- we'll fly off to Paris. - Mm.

You'll be my Jean Valjean.

And you will be my Cosette. [Laughs]

I think Cosette was kind of his daughter.

- Oh, never saw it. - Oh, neither did I.

It was, like, three hours and neither of us was in it.

[Phone chirps]

Oh, it's from your lawyer.

"Tell Emmet 'more charges, max time.'"

Emmet... what's going on?

Oh, God, Victoria.

I didn't tell you because my lawyer promised

to make it all go away.

Make what go away?

More indictments.

It seems my accountant got me involved

in more shady deals than I realized.

It's almost certain that I'll be in this place

- for another ten years. - Ten years!

Oh, my God, Emmet.

Oh, this changes everything.

I'll arrange for a quick annulment

so that you can live your life unchecked.

No. No, no, Emmet. You are my husband,

and I will wait for you.

Darling, it's getting late.

Let's talk this through in the morning, hmm?

We're still on our honeymoon remember.

Mm.

A suite in the hotel George V

on the Champs-?lys?es in Paris...

[Automatic gunfire]

- during the German occupation. - [Laughs]

Your mother told me to go away and never come back.

You didn't have to listen to her.

- She's scary! - She weighs 90 pounds.

It's all muscle!

You never said good-bye.

You... you let me give birth on my own.

And... and you've never tried to get in touch with me.

Why?

'Cause I'm a coward.

Well, it's no fun if you're just gonna admit to things

before I can accuse you of them.

So why are you here now, you bloody coward?

Because I want to apologize.

Look, Joy, your mother pushed me away,

but to be honest,

I was kind of glad she gave me a way out.

I was 17!

I wasn't ready to be a husband and a father.

And the last 30 years?

Did I mention I was a coward?

Look, Joy, I'm sorry I ran out on you.

I'm sorry I have a child out there

who I'll never know.

His name is Owen.

He lives right here in Cleveland,

and he's lovely.

You know him? A him?

Yes, congratulations, Simon, it's a boy.

A healthy, 32-year-old boy.

32 years. That makes me feel old.

You're about to feel even older.

You have a grandson too.

- Oh, my God! - Little Wilbur.

He has your jowls. Ah, they'll go away.

And then they'll reappear in about 40 years.

[Both chuckle]

Could I meet them?

Do you think Owen would see me?

They're out of town right now.

Well, why don't I stay and meet them

and maybe spend some time with you?

I suppose.

Joy, you know,

when I saw you today... you know, it sounds silly,

but that first love thing

is pretty powerful stuff, isn't it?

It is.

How is it possible that you got even prettier?

[Phone chimes]

Sorry.

Oh! Ugh.

Um, I have to go to London right away.

Of course. I mean, what made me think...

Oh, shut up. It's work.

Look, I got the exclusive rights to the royal christening.

The christening... the actual christening?

You're gonna see William and Kate and the baby?

Yeah, and I was about to make a comment

about the idiots that are interested in that kinda thing,

but I'm gonna keep it to myself now!

Look, uh, when are they back?

Next Thursday.

Then I'll come back then.

It's a date?

It's a date.

Right.

Oh, hey, um...

I forgot something.

That oughta hold you.

Emmet?

Emmet!

Can you believe it?

After all this time,

my romance with Simon has been rekindled.

I guess two old, dry sticks can still make a spark.

You would know.

You were there when fire was invented.

He's gone!

Emmet escaped from prison disguised as me...

in my wig and my coat and my shoes.

But those are my Jimmy Choos!

Which is so not important right now.

Oh, honey, what happened?

Well, last night, we found out that there were more charges,

and...

Emmet could be in jail for another ten years.

I told him that I would wait for him,

but he said that he didn't...

- Oh, Victoria! - Oh, sweetie.

[Phone ringing] Oh, I'll turn it off.

No, it's my doctor. Hello?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Okay, yeah, I'll come in tomorrow.

What is it? I thought the mole was okay.

Different doctor.

I'm pregnant.

- On the plus side... - Don't you dare!

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