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Hot in Cleveland is recorded
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in front of a live studio audience.
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[Chuckles softly]
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You two are suspiciously quiet.
5
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:09,759
What are you up to?
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We're thinking of jokes.
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Craig Olson at the senior
center is turning 100.
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Elka and I are doing a roast.
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A roast?
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At that age, are you
sure it isn't a cremation?
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So what do you have so far?
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"I'm not saying Craig
has an enlarged prostate,
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but if he put a hat on it,
14
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he could drive in the carpool lane."
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Boom.
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00:00:39,759 --> 00:00:40,759
My turn.
17
00:00:40,759 --> 00:00:43,759
"I'm not saying Craig
loves going on cruises,
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but last month he went to the Bahamas."
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See, it's funny because it's true.
20
00:00:54,759 --> 00:00:58,759
Mamie, in a roast you're supposed to take
21
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,759
an element of the person you're roasting
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and exaggerate it for comic effect.
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Yeah, for instance, if I
was going to roast Elka,
24
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I might say, "I'm not saying Elka's old,
25
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but she babysat Jesus."
26
00:01:11,759 --> 00:01:14,759
I'm not saying Joy's flat-chested.
27
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But I saw a picture of her
breasts on a milk carton.
28
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Very funny.
29
00:01:22,759 --> 00:01:26,759
- Because they're missing.
- Got it.
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[Cell phone chimes]
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[Sighs]
32
00:01:30,759 --> 00:01:33,759
Joy, is that from your mother again?
33
00:01:33,759 --> 00:01:34,759
- Maybe you should take it.
- No.
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00:01:34,759 --> 00:01:38,759
I mean, I'm sure it's just
about her latest boyfriend.
35
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If I wanted to hear an old
woman bitch about men...
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00:01:41,759 --> 00:01:44,759
You'd just stay home
and listen to yourself?
37
00:01:46,759 --> 00:01:48,759
Okay, we better get going
38
00:01:48,759 --> 00:01:50,759
if I'm gonna break up with
Harry before we go to the movies.
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00:01:50,759 --> 00:01:51,759
Who's Harry?
40
00:01:52,261 --> 00:01:53,759
Oh, he's just this guy I've
been trying to break up with
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00:01:53,759 --> 00:01:54,759
for the last few weeks.
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00:01:55,386 --> 00:01:56,759
So what's wrong with him?
43
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Oh, he's nice.
44
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He's just, you know, way too into me.
45
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And he over-pronounces Spanish words.
46
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Last night, he made me tah-cos.
47
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And he talks too much. He
just goes on and on and on.
48
00:02:09,759 --> 00:02:12,759
I have never gotten through a
conversation without zoning out.
49
00:02:12,759 --> 00:02:15,759
And I don't mean to sound superficial,
50
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but he's really hairy.
51
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And his name is Harry, so
there's no getting around it.
52
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[Knock at door] Harry?
53
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Harry, the door was open.
54
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Harry, don't be scared. It's just me.
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Harry.
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Oh, my God!
57
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[Upbeat music]
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- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
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00:02:48,759 --> 00:02:51,759
Are you absolutely sure he's dead?
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He's lying in bed ice cold.
62
00:02:53,759 --> 00:02:59,759
My husband did that for
years, and he wasn't dead.
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00:02:59,759 --> 00:03:01,759
Did you whisper in his ear
64
00:03:01,759 --> 00:03:04,759
- how much you want to have sex?
- Of course not.
65
00:03:04,759 --> 00:03:09,759
Sometimes it's the only
way you can know for sure.
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00:03:09,759 --> 00:03:11,759
Did Harry ever mention being ill?
67
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:12,759
I do kind of remember
68
00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:14,759
during one of his long, rambling speeches
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00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:16,759
he said something about
a hole in his heart.
70
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I thought he just meant he was lonely.
71
00:03:19,759 --> 00:03:23,759
Ugh, I just wish his
cousin would get here soon.
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00:03:23,759 --> 00:03:26,759
I'm not saying Melanie's a heart-breaker,
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but there's a dead guy in there.
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Too soon?
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00:03:35,759 --> 00:03:37,759
Hey, what's this?
76
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,759
"To my darling Melanie.
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Love, Harry."
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It's a ring.
79
00:03:43,759 --> 00:03:46,759
Oh, I told you he was moving too fast.
80
00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:49,759
Well, he's not moving too fast anymore.
81
00:03:51,759 --> 00:03:54,759
I'd say 3 karats.
82
00:03:54,759 --> 00:03:56,759
- Oh, just put that back.
- You should open it.
83
00:03:56,759 --> 00:03:58,759
I can't open a gift from a dead man.
84
00:03:58,759 --> 00:04:01,759
He probably bought it
when he was still alive.
85
00:04:07,759 --> 00:04:10,759
No. I would feel like a bad person.
86
00:04:10,759 --> 00:04:11,759
Not me. [Gasps]
87
00:04:11,759 --> 00:04:14,759
Oh! Oh, clear, square-cut,
88
00:04:14,759 --> 00:04:16,759
platinum setting. That's my dream ring.
89
00:04:16,759 --> 00:04:17,759
Try it on.
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No. Again. Bad person.
91
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:20,759
How else will you know for the future
92
00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:23,759
if it's a flattering style for your finger?
93
00:04:23,759 --> 00:04:24,759
Okay, I'll try it on,
94
00:04:24,759 --> 00:04:27,759
but just for the record, I
do not feel good about this.
95
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Oh, it's so pretty.
96
00:04:28,759 --> 00:04:30,759
- It is stunning.
- [Knock at door]
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Oh, that's his cousin.
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Okay, everybody, look sad.
99
00:04:35,759 --> 00:04:37,759
Oh, Margaret, I'm so sorry.
100
00:04:38,759 --> 00:04:42,759
Oh, Melanie, you poor thing.
101
00:04:42,759 --> 00:04:44,759
Even though we all knew
with Harry's heart condition
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he could go at any time,
you must be devastated.
103
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[Gasps]
104
00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:52,759
Oh, my God.
105
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:54,759
Grandma's ring.
106
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Harry proposed and you accepted?
107
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Darling, welcome to the family.
108
00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:08,829
Mom, I don't want it,
109
00:05:08,829 --> 00:05:11,829
and I don't want to talk about him anymore.
110
00:05:11,829 --> 00:05:14,829
No, I haven't told my friends about it.
111
00:05:14,829 --> 00:05:17,829
Melanie just walked in. Got to go.
112
00:05:17,829 --> 00:05:20,829
Guess who's hosting Harry's wake.
113
00:05:20,829 --> 00:05:22,829
What?
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I was out casket shopping
115
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with his family... Oh, my God,
116
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they're all long talkers.
117
00:05:28,773 --> 00:05:29,773
I zoned out, and I thought someone asked me
118
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if I was awake.
119
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Turns out they asked me
if I would host the wake.
120
00:05:33,773 --> 00:05:35,773
What are you doing Tuesday night?
121
00:05:35,773 --> 00:05:36,773
- Ooh, busy.
- Yeah, good,
122
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'cause it's Wednesday.
123
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I have a major announcement to make.
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This box is from the
Ozawa Industrial Brothers.
125
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The ladypants people?
126
00:05:47,773 --> 00:05:49,773
You're gonna wear diapers again?
127
00:05:49,773 --> 00:05:51,773
They weren't diapers.
128
00:05:51,773 --> 00:05:54,090
They were absorbent
pants for women on the go
129
00:05:54,093 --> 00:05:57,773
who need to go, and I
was proud to endorse them.
130
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Please don't be diapers.
131
00:05:59,773 --> 00:06:01,773
- Please don't be diapers.
- Please be diapers.
132
00:06:01,773 --> 00:06:02,773
- Please be diapers.
- Please don't be diap...
133
00:06:02,773 --> 00:06:04,773
Oh, thank God.
134
00:06:04,773 --> 00:06:06,773
It's an exercise belt.
135
00:06:06,773 --> 00:06:09,773
That you pee in?
136
00:06:09,773 --> 00:06:12,773
Oh, God, I hope not.
137
00:06:14,773 --> 00:06:15,773
"Dear Chase Victoria,
138
00:06:15,773 --> 00:06:21,773
international face of incontinence...
139
00:06:21,773 --> 00:06:23,773
Let us safely and effortlessly
140
00:06:23,773 --> 00:06:25,773
electrocute your abdomen into shape
141
00:06:25,773 --> 00:06:27,773
with newest Ozawa Brothers product,
142
00:06:27,773 --> 00:06:28,773
Mrs. Lady Abs.
143
00:06:28,773 --> 00:06:32,773
Also enclosed is your check money."
144
00:06:34,773 --> 00:06:39,773
Oh, my God. Look at all those zeroes.
145
00:06:39,773 --> 00:06:42,773
Oh, I could really use
those ladypants right now.
146
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:48,773
[Cell phone rings]
147
00:06:49,773 --> 00:06:51,773
Hello.
148
00:06:51,773 --> 00:06:53,773
Oh, hi, Ms. Scroggs, how are you?
149
00:06:53,773 --> 00:06:54,773
- [Silently] I'm not here.
- Oh... no.
150
00:06:54,773 --> 00:06:58,773
Rejoyla's not here. She's... at the circus.
151
00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:06,773
Because she's friends
with the trapeze lady.
152
00:07:06,773 --> 00:07:09,773
I'll just tell her you called.
153
00:07:09,773 --> 00:07:11,773
How am I gonna get through this evening?
154
00:07:11,773 --> 00:07:12,773
I am a terrible liar.
155
00:07:12,773 --> 00:07:17,773
You did okay with that
Tuesday-Wednesday thing.
156
00:07:17,773 --> 00:07:21,773
Guess who's wearing something
wonderful that no one can see?
157
00:07:21,773 --> 00:07:24,773
It's called a bra.
158
00:07:24,773 --> 00:07:27,773
Get over it.
159
00:07:27,773 --> 00:07:31,773
I was referring to my
Mrs. Lady Abs toning belt,
160
00:07:31,773 --> 00:07:34,773
which is sending thousands
of tiny electrical pulses,
161
00:07:34,773 --> 00:07:36,773
tightening my abs as we speak.
162
00:07:36,773 --> 00:07:38,773
And the belt is so smooth
163
00:07:38,773 --> 00:07:42,773
that n... n... n... nobody
knows you're wearing it.
164
00:07:44,773 --> 00:07:47,773
Victoria, what number
did you set that thing on?
165
00:07:47,773 --> 00:07:49,773
Well, last night I could hardly feel it,
166
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,773
so I turned it up to the highest setting,
167
00:07:51,773 --> 00:07:54,773
"super max-fry muscle scramble,"
168
00:07:54,773 --> 00:07:59,773
and I guess it got stuck on
the n... n... n... number.
169
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:02,773
Come on, Mamie Ssue,
170
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,773
we've got a roast to go to.
171
00:08:04,773 --> 00:08:07,773
Right. Here's your drink.
172
00:08:10,773 --> 00:08:13,773
Perfect.
173
00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,773
Was that straight vodka?
174
00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:31,773
I like to be loose before I do a set.
175
00:08:41,368 --> 00:08:42,368
So that was Harry's seventh birthday.
176
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:43,536
Oh, I didn't tell you about the cake.
177
00:08:44,368 --> 00:08:45,368
It was chocolate.
178
00:08:45,368 --> 00:08:48,368
No, it was white with chocolate frosting.
179
00:08:48,368 --> 00:08:52,368
No, what am I thinking?
That was a pie birthday.
180
00:08:52,368 --> 00:08:54,368
Could I steal Melanie for a second?
181
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:57,368
Yes, please.
182
00:08:57,368 --> 00:08:59,368
I have a big problem.
183
00:08:59,368 --> 00:09:00,368
Dr. Greenly is here.
184
00:09:00,368 --> 00:09:02,368
- Who?
- The shrink I had
185
00:09:02,368 --> 00:09:03,368
to stop seeing 'cause I was having
186
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:04,368
all those sexy dreams about him.
187
00:09:04,368 --> 00:09:06,368
- Oh, where?
- Over by the fireplace.
188
00:09:06,368 --> 00:09:07,368
Don't turn around.
189
00:09:07,368 --> 00:09:09,368
Ah, he saw me. He's coming over.
190
00:09:09,368 --> 00:09:11,368
Hi, Joy. This is a surprise.
191
00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:14,452
Yes. This is my friend Melanie.
192
00:09:15,368 --> 00:09:16,368
My heart goes out to you.
193
00:09:16,368 --> 00:09:18,368
Why? Oh...
194
00:09:18,368 --> 00:09:20,368
Thank you.
195
00:09:20,368 --> 00:09:21,368
Harry was a patient of mine.
196
00:09:21,368 --> 00:09:23,368
He spoke at great length about you.
197
00:09:23,368 --> 00:09:25,368
I bet he did.
198
00:09:25,368 --> 00:09:28,368
Melanie, come meet cousin Beth.
199
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:31,368
She's just flown in from Mejico.
200
00:09:34,368 --> 00:09:36,368
So, Joy...
201
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:38,368
So, Dr. Greenly...
202
00:09:39,368 --> 00:09:40,368
I don't mean to put you on the spot,
203
00:09:40,368 --> 00:09:43,368
but I always wondered why you
suddenly stopped seeing me.
204
00:09:43,318 --> 00:09:44,318
We were making such great progress.
205
00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:46,318
You know, really getting
into some of the issues
206
00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:48,318
that you had with your father.
207
00:09:48,318 --> 00:09:49,318
Can I be perfectly honest?
208
00:09:49,318 --> 00:09:51,318
Of course.
209
00:09:51,318 --> 00:09:53,318
I know it's the biggest clich�,
210
00:09:53,318 --> 00:09:56,318
but I can tell you now since
you're no longer my doctor.
211
00:09:56,318 --> 00:09:59,318
I was attracted to you.
212
00:09:59,318 --> 00:10:01,318
Oh.
213
00:10:01,318 --> 00:10:03,318
Well, I guess I can tell you,
214
00:10:03,318 --> 00:10:05,318
since you're no longer my patient,
215
00:10:05,318 --> 00:10:08,318
that I was attracted to you.
216
00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:11,318
Wow.
217
00:10:11,318 --> 00:10:13,318
You know, speaking not as Dr. Greenly,
218
00:10:13,318 --> 00:10:15,318
but just as a guy named John,
219
00:10:15,318 --> 00:10:16,318
would you like to have dinner sometime?
220
00:10:16,318 --> 00:10:19,318
I would, John.
221
00:10:19,318 --> 00:10:25,318
But could I speak to Dr.
Greenly for just one second?
222
00:10:25,318 --> 00:10:28,694
Sure.
223
00:10:29,318 --> 00:10:30,318
How can I help you, Joy?
224
00:10:30,318 --> 00:10:34,318
Dr. Greenly, given my history with men,
225
00:10:34,318 --> 00:10:37,318
do you think I should
date my former therapist?
226
00:10:37,318 --> 00:10:40,318
I do.
227
00:10:40,318 --> 00:10:42,318
Wow, that guy seemed really smart.
228
00:10:44,318 --> 00:10:46,318
Joy, could I see you in the kitchen?
229
00:10:46,318 --> 00:10:50,318
- Right now?
- Yes, right n... n... n... now.
230
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,318
I never hosted a wake before.
231
00:10:54,318 --> 00:10:56,318
Do you know how long
these things generally go?
232
00:10:56,318 --> 00:10:57,318
Oh, not long.
233
00:10:57,318 --> 00:10:59,318
People should start to drift out
234
00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:02,318
soon after you give the eulogy.
235
00:11:02,318 --> 00:11:04,318
The shocks are getting worse.
236
00:11:04,318 --> 00:11:07,318
I can't get it off. The latch is broken.
237
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,318
Guess who's giving the eulogy.
238
00:11:10,318 --> 00:11:11,318
Seriously?
239
00:11:11,318 --> 00:11:13,318
You said you'd give the eulogy?
240
00:11:13,318 --> 00:11:14,318
I don't remember doing it,
241
00:11:14,318 --> 00:11:16,318
but his family is so boring.
242
00:11:16,318 --> 00:11:19,318
You zone out, and when
their mouths stop moving,
243
00:11:19,318 --> 00:11:21,318
you just nod your head.
244
00:11:21,318 --> 00:11:22,318
So now say no.
245
00:11:22,318 --> 00:11:24,318
I can't. Jason is depending on me.
246
00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:27,318
- Who's Jason?
- I don't know.
247
00:11:28,318 --> 00:11:29,318
What am I gonna say?
248
00:11:29,318 --> 00:11:32,318
Well, I don't know.
249
00:11:32,318 --> 00:11:34,318
But if I don't get this thing off soon,
250
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:36,318
you're gonna be giving my eulogy.
251
00:11:36,318 --> 00:11:39,318
See, your eulogy would be fun to write.
252
00:11:39,318 --> 00:11:42,318
I have genuine feelings for you.
253
00:11:42,318 --> 00:11:44,318
Harry's family is expecting
254
00:11:44,318 --> 00:11:45,318
a grieving fianc�e eulogy,
255
00:11:45,318 --> 00:11:49,318
and the truth is I barely knew the man.
256
00:11:49,318 --> 00:11:50,318
Why do I smell popcorn?
257
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:52,318
I tried to get this thing off
258
00:11:52,318 --> 00:11:56,318
by buttering myself, and now I'm cooking.
259
00:12:00,272 --> 00:12:02,272
So as a professional you wouldn't date me
260
00:12:02,272 --> 00:12:03,272
if I was really screwed up, would you?
261
00:12:03,272 --> 00:12:06,272
Stop fishing.
262
00:12:06,272 --> 00:12:07,272
[Cell phone chimes]
263
00:12:07,272 --> 00:12:09,272
Sorry.
264
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:12,272
Oof. It's nothing. It's my mother.
265
00:12:12,272 --> 00:12:14,272
At the risk of sounding like Dr. Greenly,
266
00:12:14,272 --> 00:12:15,272
when you say it's nothing,
267
00:12:15,272 --> 00:12:18,272
it's often because
you're avoiding something.
268
00:12:18,272 --> 00:12:20,272
Isn't it sometimes healthy
269
00:12:20,272 --> 00:12:22,272
to avoid something you know
is gonna make you feel bad?
270
00:12:22,272 --> 00:12:24,272
Not if it keeps you in denial.
271
00:12:24,272 --> 00:12:27,272
Look, I know where you're going with this,
272
00:12:27,272 --> 00:12:29,272
but I've dealt with it. I'm fine.
273
00:12:29,272 --> 00:12:31,272
So you're saying being
at a funeral right now
274
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:33,272
isn't triggering anything for you?
275
00:12:33,272 --> 00:12:38,272
Look, if Dr. Greenly
keeps asking questions,
276
00:12:38,272 --> 00:12:43,272
John is not gonna get lucky tonight.
277
00:12:43,272 --> 00:12:45,272
Tonight?
278
00:12:45,272 --> 00:12:46,272
Look, I just brought Dr. Greenly
279
00:12:46,272 --> 00:12:49,272
'cause he's a friend of my sister's.
280
00:12:51,272 --> 00:12:54,272
Tech support put me on hold again.
281
00:12:54,272 --> 00:12:56,272
Okay, listen, here's what I have so far.
282
00:12:56,272 --> 00:13:00,272
Webster's defines eulogy
as a speech in praise
283
00:13:00,272 --> 00:13:03,272
or honor of a deceased person.
284
00:13:03,272 --> 00:13:05,272
Webster's defines dull as any speech
285
00:13:05,272 --> 00:13:08,272
which starts with "Webster's defines."
286
00:13:08,272 --> 00:13:09,272
Yes, yes, tech support.
287
00:13:09,272 --> 00:13:11,272
I'm still here.
288
00:13:11,272 --> 00:13:14,272
No, I already tried buttering myself.
289
00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:18,272
Yes, this is Mrs. Ladypants.
290
00:13:18,272 --> 00:13:21,272
No, I am not going
right n... n... n... now.
291
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:27,272
Hey, I thought you guys were roasting
292
00:13:27,272 --> 00:13:28,272
your 100-year-old friend.
293
00:13:28,272 --> 00:13:32,272
They said our material was too raunchy.
294
00:13:32,272 --> 00:13:36,272
One zinger about Craig's
low-hanging fruit,
295
00:13:36,272 --> 00:13:39,272
and they freak.
296
00:13:40,272 --> 00:13:43,272
Now we have all this killer material
297
00:13:43,272 --> 00:13:45,272
and nowhere to showcase it.
298
00:13:45,272 --> 00:13:48,272
What's the crowd like out there?
299
00:13:48,272 --> 00:13:49,272
Don't you dare!
300
00:13:49,272 --> 00:13:51,272
It's a wake.
301
00:13:51,272 --> 00:13:53,272
Melanie, Jason is here.
302
00:13:53,272 --> 00:13:55,272
It's time to give the eulogy, sweetie.
303
00:13:55,272 --> 00:13:57,272
Oh, good, Jason's here.
304
00:13:57,272 --> 00:13:58,272
I'll be right out.
305
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:02,272
Well, I'm about to go out
there and disappoint them all.
306
00:14:02,272 --> 00:14:04,272
Even Jason.
307
00:14:04,272 --> 00:14:07,272
Whoever the [Bleep] that is!
308
00:14:10,272 --> 00:14:14,272
For those of you I haven't met, I'm Jason.
309
00:14:14,272 --> 00:14:16,272
I want to thank Melanie for
hosting this special night
310
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,272
and for graciously allowing
me to speak before her.
311
00:14:18,272 --> 00:14:23,272
Or, if you like, instead of me.
312
00:14:23,272 --> 00:14:26,272
What a character.
313
00:14:26,272 --> 00:14:27,272
No wonder dad loved you.
314
00:14:27,272 --> 00:14:30,272
Dad.
315
00:14:30,272 --> 00:14:34,272
You know, relationships with
fathers can be complicated.
316
00:14:34,272 --> 00:14:36,272
Are you okay?
317
00:14:36,272 --> 00:14:38,272
I'm fine.
318
00:14:38,272 --> 00:14:40,272
He was my compass,
319
00:14:40,272 --> 00:14:41,272
my true north.
320
00:14:41,272 --> 00:14:44,272
I always knew that, if I could find him,
321
00:14:44,272 --> 00:14:45,272
I could find my way.
322
00:14:45,272 --> 00:14:47,272
And last week when he asked me
323
00:14:47,272 --> 00:14:48,272
to be the best man at his wedding,
324
00:14:48,272 --> 00:14:51,272
I was so happy because...
325
00:14:51,272 --> 00:14:54,272
because he was the best
man that I had ever known.
326
00:14:56,272 --> 00:14:59,272
Can't believe I'm never
gonna see you again.
327
00:14:59,272 --> 00:15:01,272
I love you, dad.
328
00:15:01,272 --> 00:15:05,272
John, I need you to be Dr. Greenly again.
329
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:06,272
Let's talk.
330
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:09,272
And now Melanie will give the eulogy,
331
00:15:09,272 --> 00:15:10,272
and get your handkerchiefs ready.
332
00:15:10,272 --> 00:15:15,272
Dad told me she has the soul of a poet.
333
00:15:21,272 --> 00:15:27,272
- Webster's defines eulogy...
- [Screams]
334
00:15:29,272 --> 00:15:33,272
Just letting out the grief.
335
00:15:36,272 --> 00:15:38,272
You'll just excuse me.
336
00:15:44,059 --> 00:15:45,059
Oh, thank God you caught on fire.
337
00:15:45,059 --> 00:15:46,059
You saved me.
338
00:15:46,059 --> 00:15:48,059
Yeah, that's why I did it.
339
00:15:48,059 --> 00:15:51,059
Seriously, now I have
to follow that speech?
340
00:15:51,059 --> 00:15:53,059
- I'm in agony.
- Oh, really, Melanie?
341
00:15:53,059 --> 00:15:55,602
Agony? What is that smell?
342
00:15:56,059 --> 00:15:58,059
Fresh-cooked hamburger?
Steak on the grill?
343
00:15:58,059 --> 00:16:01,059
No, it's my flesh!
344
00:16:01,059 --> 00:16:03,059
Calm down. I've almost got it.
345
00:16:03,059 --> 00:16:07,059
- There.
- Oh, thank God.
346
00:16:07,059 --> 00:16:08,059
Hey, do I look more toned?
347
00:16:08,059 --> 00:16:10,059
Never mind.
348
00:16:10,059 --> 00:16:12,059
I can't believe people buy these things.
349
00:16:12,059 --> 00:16:15,059
I mean, everyone knows you
can't get fit without exercise.
350
00:16:15,059 --> 00:16:18,059
It is the number one
exercise belt in Japan.
351
00:16:18,059 --> 00:16:21,059
And, whether or not it works,
people are buying the dream.
352
00:16:21,059 --> 00:16:22,059
And they're happy with that.
353
00:16:22,059 --> 00:16:24,059
So you're still gonna endorse it?
354
00:16:24,059 --> 00:16:25,059
Well, of course.
355
00:16:25,059 --> 00:16:26,059
I mean, there is nothing wrong
356
00:16:26,059 --> 00:16:28,059
with telling people what they want to hear
357
00:16:28,059 --> 00:16:30,059
if it makes them happy.
358
00:16:30,059 --> 00:16:32,059
Yeah, you're probably right.
359
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:36,059
Actually, you are right.
360
00:16:36,059 --> 00:16:38,059
I agree. But why?
361
00:16:38,059 --> 00:16:41,059
Those people out there want to believe
362
00:16:41,059 --> 00:16:43,059
that Harry died happy because of me.
363
00:16:43,059 --> 00:16:47,059
And I have to tell them
what they want to hear.
364
00:16:47,059 --> 00:16:50,059
You did a lot of eulogies
on Edge of Tomorrow.
365
00:16:50,059 --> 00:16:52,059
Are there any that might fit?
366
00:16:52,059 --> 00:16:55,059
Hmm. Let me see.
367
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,059
Saying good-bye to a sister is never easy,
368
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:04,059
even if she was my evil twin.
369
00:17:04,059 --> 00:17:06,059
No. Alphonse will always be
370
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:10,059
a part of all of us because
we had to eat him to survive.
371
00:17:10,059 --> 00:17:13,059
Oh, I think that's closer.
372
00:17:13,059 --> 00:17:15,059
Hey, Joy.
373
00:17:15,059 --> 00:17:17,059
Honey, what's wrong?
374
00:17:17,059 --> 00:17:21,059
I was out back with Dr. Greenly.
375
00:17:21,059 --> 00:17:24,059
There's something I have to tell you.
376
00:17:24,059 --> 00:17:27,059
My father passed away a few months ago.
377
00:17:27,059 --> 00:17:29,059
- Oh, Joy.
- Honey, why didn't you tell us?
378
00:17:29,059 --> 00:17:31,059
He took off when I was a teenager,
379
00:17:31,059 --> 00:17:33,059
and not a word since.
380
00:17:33,059 --> 00:17:35,059
I didn't want to get sympathy for feelings
381
00:17:35,059 --> 00:17:39,059
I wasn't feeling or didn't want to feel.
382
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:42,059
That's why my mother's been calling.
383
00:17:42,059 --> 00:17:45,059
He left me something. Only,
I'm not sure I want it.
384
00:17:45,059 --> 00:17:49,059
But listening to Jason
talk about his father
385
00:17:49,059 --> 00:17:53,059
with such love... I've
always had this fantasy
386
00:17:53,059 --> 00:17:57,059
that some day my dad and I
would somehow magically reconnect
387
00:17:57,059 --> 00:18:01,059
and have the relationship I always wanted.
388
00:18:01,059 --> 00:18:04,059
Then it just hit me.
389
00:18:04,059 --> 00:18:07,059
That can never happen now.
390
00:18:09,059 --> 00:18:13,059
That fantasy died with him.
391
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:15,059
Ah, honey, that's hard.
392
00:18:15,059 --> 00:18:18,059
So Dr. Greenly told me to write down
393
00:18:18,059 --> 00:18:20,059
what I wanted to say to him.
394
00:18:20,059 --> 00:18:22,059
Yeah, what'd you write?
395
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:26,059
"Dear dad, I'm angry.
396
00:18:26,059 --> 00:18:29,059
I'm angry that you're not here.
397
00:18:29,059 --> 00:18:31,059
I'm angry that you left me
398
00:18:31,059 --> 00:18:33,059
before we had a chance to be everything
399
00:18:33,059 --> 00:18:35,059
we could be to each other..."
400
00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:39,059
"But mostly I'm angry that the dreams I had
401
00:18:39,059 --> 00:18:42,059
for our relationship will never come true.
402
00:18:42,059 --> 00:18:44,059
I can only console myself
403
00:18:44,059 --> 00:18:47,059
with the few memories I do have...
404
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,059
Your rich, booming laugh,
405
00:18:49,059 --> 00:18:51,059
after dinner sitting on your lap,
406
00:18:51,059 --> 00:18:55,059
the hint of whiskey on your bre..."
407
00:18:57,059 --> 00:19:01,059
He did love his whiskey.
408
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:06,059
"There is so much I'll
never get to say to you.
409
00:19:06,059 --> 00:19:09,059
But I want you to know I miss you
410
00:19:09,059 --> 00:19:10,059
"more than you'll ever know.
411
00:19:10,059 --> 00:19:15,059
I love you, daddy."
412
00:19:15,059 --> 00:19:18,059
I called him daddy.
413
00:19:18,059 --> 00:19:21,059
But not in the creepy way. In the sexy way.
414
00:19:21,059 --> 00:19:24,059
You know, like, "who's your daddy?"
415
00:19:26,059 --> 00:19:32,059
You know, somewhere, somehow,
416
00:19:32,059 --> 00:19:36,059
I do believe that the man
417
00:19:36,059 --> 00:19:40,059
this speech was written
for has heard these words
418
00:19:40,059 --> 00:19:44,059
and he is smiling down at his girl.
419
00:19:47,059 --> 00:19:49,059
"Dearest Rejoyla,
420
00:19:49,059 --> 00:19:51,059
I hope this portrait
will serve as a reminder
421
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:54,059
that even though he may
not have always shown it,
422
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:57,059
your father loved you very much.
423
00:19:57,059 --> 00:20:00,059
I do hope this gives you
some happiness and peace.
424
00:20:00,059 --> 00:20:01,059
Love, mum."
425
00:20:01,059 --> 00:20:03,059
Aw, that's sweet.
426
00:20:03,059 --> 00:20:07,059
"P.S. Now that your
psychic wounds have healed,
427
00:20:07,059 --> 00:20:09,059
perhaps you can find a man."
428
00:20:13,059 --> 00:20:15,059
- Oh.
- Ohh.
429
00:20:16,059 --> 00:20:20,059
He even made your hands
proportionate to your body.
430
00:20:23,059 --> 00:20:26,059
Clearly he cared.
431
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:29,059
He really did.
432
00:20:30,558 --> 00:20:40,060
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- www.addic7ed.com -
433
00:20:40,110 --> 00:20:44,660
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