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Hot in Clevelandis recorded
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00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:04,637
in front of a live
studio audience.
3
00:00:06,038 --> 00:00:07,096
Hi, Elka.
4
00:00:07,130 --> 00:00:09,721
It's good to be home.
Warm smile.
5
00:00:09,756 --> 00:00:13,286
Why did she say "Warm smile"?
6
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:18,423
Our faces are frozen
from a special form of Botox.
7
00:00:19,224 --> 00:00:21,822
So for the next 24 hours,
8
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:24,143
the only way we can express
our emotions is to say them.
9
00:00:25,527 --> 00:00:28,748
Slightly embarrassed
from the situation red face.
10
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:32,737
Why would you fly
to Los Angeles
11
00:00:32,876 --> 00:00:34,645
to get your face frozen?
12
00:00:34,679 --> 00:00:36,317
Couldn't you just stay here
13
00:00:36,351 --> 00:00:39,522
and stick your heads
in a snow drift?
14
00:00:39,556 --> 00:00:41,757
We have to get
our treatments in L.A.
15
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:43,226
Because that's
where Dr. Minton is.
16
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:45,527
That man is a genius.
17
00:00:45,562 --> 00:00:48,730
Dr. Minton is the best
dermatologist in the country.
18
00:00:48,764 --> 00:00:51,332
He's the reason
we don't look unnatural.
19
00:00:53,201 --> 00:00:55,403
Every A-list celebrity
goes to him.
20
00:00:55,437 --> 00:00:57,704
How did you get in?
21
00:00:57,739 --> 00:01:00,741
We have a gateway friend.
22
00:01:00,775 --> 00:01:02,742
A gateway friend is someone
23
00:01:02,777 --> 00:01:05,611
who can get you
into every place exclusive.
24
00:01:05,646 --> 00:01:07,248
Our gateway friend
25
00:01:07,283 --> 00:01:10,385
is Dr. Minton's receptionist/
girlfriend Courtney.
26
00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:12,489
When we're in L.A.,
I do her eyebrows
27
00:01:12,523 --> 00:01:13,958
and Victoria takes her
to premieres
28
00:01:13,992 --> 00:01:16,295
in exchange for appointments.
29
00:01:16,329 --> 00:01:19,365
What do you do for her?
30
00:01:19,399 --> 00:01:23,602
Not really caring.
31
00:01:23,636 --> 00:01:27,406
I listen to her
relationship problems.
32
00:01:27,441 --> 00:01:28,875
Yes, for the past three days,
33
00:01:28,909 --> 00:01:31,377
Melanie has had a fake smile
plastered on her face
34
00:01:31,411 --> 00:01:34,413
just so she could get a fake
smile plastered on her face.
35
00:01:34,448 --> 00:01:37,983
[Phone ringing]
Oh, that's Courtney now.
36
00:01:38,017 --> 00:01:39,886
Hey, Court, what's up?
37
00:01:39,921 --> 00:01:41,287
Uh-huh.
38
00:01:41,322 --> 00:01:42,956
Uh-huh. What?
39
00:01:42,990 --> 00:01:44,958
Look of panic.
40
00:01:46,761 --> 00:01:50,631
Of course you can come
stay with us in Cleveland
41
00:01:50,666 --> 00:01:52,000
and cry on our shoulders.
42
00:01:58,208 --> 00:01:59,808
She broke up
with Dr. Minton
43
00:01:59,842 --> 00:02:02,244
and quit her job
as his receptionist.
44
00:02:02,279 --> 00:02:04,247
We lost our gateway?
45
00:02:04,282 --> 00:02:06,917
Jaw drop, Melanie, jaw drop.
46
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:02:18,437 --> 00:02:20,500
Have your faces unfrozen yet?
48
00:02:20,534 --> 00:02:24,771
Because I wanna see
anger and outrage.
49
00:02:24,806 --> 00:02:26,506
Why, what's up?
50
00:02:28,342 --> 00:02:30,443
"Help keep Cleveland
the forest city."
51
00:02:30,478 --> 00:02:33,880
"Save 100-year-old historic
oak tree from destruction."
52
00:02:33,914 --> 00:02:35,781
But this is at the end
of our block.
53
00:02:35,816 --> 00:02:36,782
Why would someone want
to get rid
54
00:02:36,817 --> 00:02:38,050
of that beautiful old tree?
55
00:02:38,085 --> 00:02:39,885
A developer bought the lot
56
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,487
and he plans to bulldoze it.
57
00:02:41,521 --> 00:02:43,122
Oh, that's terrible.
58
00:02:43,157 --> 00:02:44,958
They wanna put in a day spa.
59
00:02:44,992 --> 00:02:46,893
- Finally, oh!
- That's fantastic.
60
00:02:48,863 --> 00:02:50,164
Elka, I'm sorry.
61
00:02:50,198 --> 00:02:52,099
But that means that
we'd have a day spa,
62
00:02:52,134 --> 00:02:55,804
a wine bar, and a fire station,
all within walking distance.
63
00:02:55,838 --> 00:02:59,541
Oh, it's the single ladies+
holy trinity.
64
00:03:01,511 --> 00:03:03,746
- Can someone open the door?
- Yeah-yeah.
65
00:03:03,780 --> 00:03:05,848
We're coming.
66
00:03:05,882 --> 00:03:08,183
Hello, girls.
67
00:03:08,217 --> 00:03:13,155
Oh, hello, Courtney.
68
00:03:13,189 --> 00:03:14,723
Can you give me a hand?
69
00:03:14,757 --> 00:03:15,924
She fainted getting out
of the car.
70
00:03:24,533 --> 00:03:26,368
Thank you,
I feel much better now.
71
00:03:26,402 --> 00:03:29,271
I just got lightheaded
from the lack of smog.
72
00:03:29,305 --> 00:03:30,739
Right, honey,
we should've warned you.
73
00:03:30,774 --> 00:03:32,741
If you haven't been outside
of L.A. in quite a while,
74
00:03:32,776 --> 00:03:35,778
the pure oxygen
can be overwhelming.
75
00:03:35,813 --> 00:03:37,647
Yeah, sometimes
when I get homesick,
76
00:03:37,682 --> 00:03:40,450
I let the car run
with the garage door closed.
77
00:03:40,485 --> 00:03:42,519
Oh, springtime
in L.A.
78
00:03:42,553 --> 00:03:45,189
How are your faces doing?
79
00:03:46,758 --> 00:03:47,725
Excellent.
80
00:03:47,759 --> 00:03:50,294
No visible lines.
81
00:03:50,329 --> 00:03:52,964
Everything looks
to be in order.
82
00:03:52,998 --> 00:03:56,801
[Gasps]
83
00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:58,270
How did this happen?
84
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,739
I'm 90.
85
00:04:00,773 --> 00:04:04,410
Since everyone lies
about their age by at least 20,
86
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:06,979
that makes you 110.
87
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,315
I'm 90.
88
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,452
How long have you been
without oxygen?
89
00:04:12,487 --> 00:04:15,122
Well, I moved
to L.A. in 1980...
90
00:04:15,156 --> 00:04:18,259
Hey, you're trying to get me
to reveal my real age.
91
00:04:18,294 --> 00:04:21,829
[Giggling] She's good.
92
00:04:21,864 --> 00:04:24,599
Courtney, we are delighted
that you came to us
93
00:04:24,633 --> 00:04:27,000
in your time of need,
but isn't there any way
94
00:04:27,035 --> 00:04:29,436
that you could patch things up
with Dr. Minton?
95
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:32,939
No, and now you've got me
sobbing again.
96
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:35,308
I don't see any tears.
97
00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:37,443
The last time
Dr. Minton and I broke up,
98
00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:39,411
he said he would never
make me cry again.
99
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,947
So he removed my tear ducks.
100
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:44,817
Genius.
101
00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:48,521
Well, I'm off to save a tree
102
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,691
let me know how
this all turns out.
103
00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,259
Or don't.
104
00:04:52,294 --> 00:04:54,328
I don't really care.
105
00:04:56,865 --> 00:04:59,534
Do you mind if I use
your powder room?
106
00:04:59,568 --> 00:05:01,136
I just started
an aggressive round
107
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:03,339
of experimental face cream,
and every two hours
108
00:05:03,373 --> 00:05:05,875
I have to make sure my skin
isn't eating itself.
109
00:05:05,909 --> 00:05:09,145
Yeah, sure, it's down
the hall, to the left.
110
00:05:09,179 --> 00:05:12,448
- Thank you.
- Okay.
111
00:05:12,482 --> 00:05:13,883
Okay, this is gonna
be harder than we thought.
112
00:05:13,917 --> 00:05:15,184
We talked in the car.
113
00:05:15,218 --> 00:05:17,153
She swears it is over
between her and Dr. Minton.
114
00:05:17,187 --> 00:05:20,823
There is no way it's over
until we say it's over.
115
00:05:20,858 --> 00:05:23,393
No, it's time to pull out
the big guns.
116
00:05:23,427 --> 00:05:26,330
I say we try
the three-pronged attack.
117
00:05:26,364 --> 00:05:29,566
Agreed. I'll take "Cold,
hard facts for women over 40."
118
00:05:29,601 --> 00:05:31,234
And I will do "Yes, but"s.
119
00:05:31,269 --> 00:05:33,337
And I'll make up
a pathetic single friend
120
00:05:33,371 --> 00:05:34,705
as a cautionary tale.
121
00:05:34,740 --> 00:05:39,410
Just don't call her
"Joy" this time.
122
00:05:39,444 --> 00:05:41,479
But it's such a good name
123
00:05:41,513 --> 00:05:44,982
for someone who's
a complete mess.
124
00:05:45,017 --> 00:05:46,050
Don't take it personally.
125
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:50,521
Oh, here she comes.
126
00:05:50,555 --> 00:05:54,425
There were no prescriptions
in your medicine cabinet.
127
00:05:54,459 --> 00:05:57,394
How do you stay happy here?
128
00:05:57,428 --> 00:05:59,096
Oh, we're always happy here.
129
00:05:59,130 --> 00:06:01,164
Unless one of us
is going through a break-up.
130
00:06:01,198 --> 00:06:03,466
- Mm.
- Which reminds me--
131
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:07,070
Did you know a single woman
over 40 is more likely
132
00:06:07,104 --> 00:06:08,704
to be attacked by an ostrich
133
00:06:08,739 --> 00:06:11,708
than meet a new man
after a break-up?
134
00:06:13,077 --> 00:06:15,145
That's a frightening statistic.
135
00:06:15,179 --> 00:06:16,346
Still, I think
I could do better
136
00:06:16,380 --> 00:06:17,747
than someone who afraid
of commitment.
137
00:06:17,782 --> 00:06:20,017
Yes, but...could you?
138
00:06:20,051 --> 00:06:21,585
I think so.
139
00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:23,788
Yes, but...really?
140
00:06:23,822 --> 00:06:25,056
Maybe.
141
00:06:25,090 --> 00:06:28,092
Yes, but...seriously?
142
00:06:28,127 --> 00:06:30,595
I never thought of it
like that.
143
00:06:32,665 --> 00:06:34,667
You know, a--
a similar thing happened
144
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:35,701
to my friend Joy.
145
00:06:35,736 --> 00:06:37,136
Not this Joy.
146
00:06:37,170 --> 00:06:40,440
Uh, two years ago, she got out
of a tong-term relationship,
147
00:06:40,474 --> 00:06:42,375
and right now,
she is living on her own
148
00:06:42,409 --> 00:06:44,577
in a studio apartment
in Reseda.
149
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,246
The valley?
150
00:06:47,915 --> 00:06:49,048
I am just so proud of her.
151
00:06:49,083 --> 00:06:51,418
I mean, she doesn't need
a man to be happy.
152
00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:54,320
That's what her
52 cats are for.
153
00:06:54,355 --> 00:06:56,223
Oh, my God,
you girls are right.
154
00:06:56,257 --> 00:06:58,091
I have to get back together
with Dr. Minton.
155
00:06:58,125 --> 00:06:59,092
I don't wanna be like Joy.
156
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,428
Oh, none does.
157
00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:04,631
What?
158
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:14,241
Is this the valley?
159
00:07:15,944 --> 00:07:18,379
We keep telling you
Cleveland doesn't have a valley.
160
00:07:18,413 --> 00:07:20,248
Looks like the valley.
161
00:07:20,282 --> 00:07:22,516
Come on, come on.
We're here to celebrate.
162
00:07:22,551 --> 00:07:24,518
You're getting back together
with a Beverly Hills doctor.
163
00:07:24,553 --> 00:07:26,220
You're right.
A round of drinks,
164
00:07:26,254 --> 00:07:28,422
and then off to the airport.
165
00:07:30,025 --> 00:07:32,193
Wait, all the men
are looking at me.
166
00:07:32,227 --> 00:07:33,762
Well, that's what men do here.
167
00:07:33,796 --> 00:07:37,265
I remember that look.
It's desire.
168
00:07:37,299 --> 00:07:38,733
Isn't that funny?
169
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:40,601
That's what we said the first
time we came to Cleveland.
170
00:07:40,636 --> 00:07:42,370
Oh, my God,
they're positively leering.
171
00:07:42,404 --> 00:07:45,773
Even guys younger than
my fake age are looking at me.
172
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:49,177
Uh-oh.
173
00:07:49,211 --> 00:07:52,280
I'm gonna do something
I haven't done in 20 years--
174
00:07:52,315 --> 00:07:55,617
relax my stomach muscles.
175
00:07:57,353 --> 00:07:59,688
Oh, my God,
they're still looking.
176
00:07:59,722 --> 00:08:01,056
Melanie, your Christmas
letters were true.
177
00:08:01,090 --> 00:08:03,358
- Yes, but--
- "Yes, but" nothing.
178
00:08:03,393 --> 00:08:05,060
These animals
view me as nothing
179
00:08:05,094 --> 00:08:06,961
but a mindless sex object,
180
00:08:06,995 --> 00:08:08,496
and I'm gonna go show them
that they're right.
181
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:13,501
Hi, I'm Courtney.
182
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,535
We're idiots.
183
00:08:15,570 --> 00:08:17,303
It was a mistake coming here.
184
00:08:17,338 --> 00:08:20,407
We should've kept her isolated
from the indigenous population.
185
00:08:20,441 --> 00:08:22,475
I don't know
what's worse--
186
00:08:22,510 --> 00:08:25,078
you telling outsiders
about our special powers here,
187
00:08:25,112 --> 00:08:26,813
or that you're still
wring Christmas letters.
188
00:08:26,848 --> 00:08:30,818
People like
my Christmas letters.
189
00:08:30,852 --> 00:08:32,487
Look, this city is our secret.
190
00:08:32,521 --> 00:08:34,389
Now what if she tells
other women?
191
00:08:34,423 --> 00:08:36,958
Cleveland will be overrun
with desperate refugees
192
00:08:36,993 --> 00:08:41,197
from Beverly Hills, and then
it really will be the valley.
193
00:08:41,231 --> 00:08:43,465
We've got to get her
out of here
194
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,000
before she becomes
completely intoxicated
195
00:08:45,034 --> 00:08:46,268
with the magic of Cleveland.
196
00:08:46,302 --> 00:08:49,004
Okay, but you do have
to drive her to the airport,
197
00:08:49,038 --> 00:08:51,607
because it's karaoke night,
and my fans will be disappointed
198
00:08:51,641 --> 00:08:53,409
if I don't
sing "Wonderwall."
199
00:08:53,443 --> 00:08:55,244
It's kind of my jam.
200
00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,182
Seven men just offered
to buy me a drink.
201
00:09:00,216 --> 00:09:01,884
But the bartender
wouldn't serve me
202
00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:04,319
until I showed him
my I.D.,
203
00:09:04,354 --> 00:09:06,688
which I refused to do because
it would break the spell.
204
00:09:06,723 --> 00:09:08,090
So now one of you
have to go get me a drink.
205
00:09:08,124 --> 00:09:09,224
Oh, no, we can't
because we have to get you
206
00:09:09,259 --> 00:09:10,526
to the airport
as soon as possible.
207
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:11,861
- Why?
- Uh...
208
00:09:11,895 --> 00:09:13,462
They moved your flight up.
209
00:09:13,496 --> 00:09:15,564
Flights don't get moved up.
210
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:16,632
Until now.
211
00:09:16,666 --> 00:09:17,967
Everyone but you
got there early,
212
00:09:18,001 --> 00:09:19,802
and they said,
"Oh, let's do it."
213
00:09:21,304 --> 00:09:22,871
Who care if I miss it?
214
00:09:22,906 --> 00:09:24,272
They love me here.
215
00:09:24,307 --> 00:09:26,708
There's no way I'm getting
on a plane tonight.
216
00:09:28,143 --> 00:09:30,745
Oh, hi.
217
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:33,981
Oh, my God, I feel
a frown breaking through.
218
00:09:34,983 --> 00:09:38,585
You
219
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:43,398
[Whistles and applause]
220
00:09:43,518 --> 00:09:46,293
Thank you, Cleveland.
221
00:09:46,327 --> 00:09:47,761
Okay, okay,
everyone settle down,
222
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,897
settle down.
Time for results.
223
00:09:49,931 --> 00:09:52,633
First place--no surprise
here--goes to...
224
00:09:52,668 --> 00:09:55,570
Courtney Pice.
225
00:09:55,604 --> 00:09:59,441
[Applause]
226
00:09:59,476 --> 00:10:02,477
Second place goes to...
Cleveland Browns
227
00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:04,713
star kick return specialist--
this man just came in
228
00:10:04,747 --> 00:10:06,548
to ask for directions,
and stayed to sing
229
00:10:06,583 --> 00:10:08,684
"Wind Beneath my Wings"--
Josh Cribbs!
230
00:10:08,718 --> 00:10:12,921
[Hoots and applause]
231
00:10:12,955 --> 00:10:15,991
And third place
goes to Joy Hoggs.
232
00:10:16,025 --> 00:10:17,925
That's "Scroggs."
233
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,295
[Paltry applause]
234
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,564
I can't believe I lost.
235
00:10:23,598 --> 00:10:24,965
Hey, I'm bummed too.
236
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:29,436
I have two passions in life--
football and karaoke.
237
00:10:29,470 --> 00:10:33,506
Fortunately for me,
one of them pays really well.
238
00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:34,540
It's football.
239
00:10:36,209 --> 00:10:37,776
Thank you, everybody.
240
00:10:37,811 --> 00:10:39,611
And don't worry,
I'll be back next week
241
00:10:39,646 --> 00:10:41,947
to defend my title because...
242
00:10:41,981 --> 00:10:45,016
I'm moving to Cleveland!
243
00:10:45,051 --> 00:10:48,786
[Cheers and applause]
244
00:10:48,821 --> 00:10:50,856
All: Courtney!
Courtney! Courtney!
245
00:10:50,890 --> 00:10:53,025
Courtney!
Courtney! Courtney!
246
00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:56,433
Thank you for
supporting the cause.
247
00:10:56,841 --> 00:10:58,642
To be perfectly honest,
we wanted an excuse
248
00:10:58,676 --> 00:10:59,876
to get away from Courtney.
249
00:11:00,208 --> 00:11:02,675
She's so superficial
and shallow,
250
00:11:02,710 --> 00:11:05,311
and all about how men
respond to her appearance.
251
00:11:05,345 --> 00:11:07,805
Yeah, don't you just hate
women like that?
252
00:11:11,060 --> 00:11:13,819
So how come you like
this tree so much?
253
00:11:13,853 --> 00:11:17,522
I've been walking past it
for 60 years.
254
00:11:17,557 --> 00:11:19,258
Oh, if it gets cut down,
255
00:11:19,292 --> 00:11:20,959
it would be like
losing a friend.
256
00:11:20,994 --> 00:11:22,327
- Mm.
- Aww.
257
00:11:22,362 --> 00:11:25,130
A real friend,
not a gateway friend.
258
00:11:25,164 --> 00:11:26,632
Turns out our gateway friend's
259
00:11:26,666 --> 00:11:28,300
gonna be our new
neighbor friend.
260
00:11:28,335 --> 00:11:30,102
Courtney's staying
in Cleveland.
261
00:11:30,136 --> 00:11:31,437
And if we can't get her
back to L.A.,
262
00:11:31,471 --> 00:11:34,272
there is no chance she can
reconcile with Dr. Minton.
263
00:11:34,307 --> 00:11:36,675
Isn't this where
you three knuckleheads
264
00:11:36,709 --> 00:11:38,510
come up with
some harebrained scheme,
265
00:11:38,544 --> 00:11:40,946
and I tell you it's stupid,
and you do it anyway?
266
00:11:40,981 --> 00:11:44,383
Way ahead
of you. Smile.
267
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,854
Dr. Minton, thank you
so much for coming.
268
00:11:48,889 --> 00:11:51,357
I flew out as soon as I saw
that picture of Victoria.
269
00:11:51,391 --> 00:11:53,959
- Where is she?
- I'm right here.
270
00:11:53,993 --> 00:11:58,964
Victoria!
271
00:11:58,999 --> 00:12:01,367
What did you do to your face?
272
00:12:01,401 --> 00:12:02,534
Did you get it wet?
273
00:12:03,737 --> 00:12:06,872
You know my treatments
are not FDA approved.
274
00:12:06,907 --> 00:12:08,741
They're not?
275
00:12:10,110 --> 00:12:12,978
- When did this happen?
- Overnight.
276
00:12:13,012 --> 00:12:16,215
Like in that lifetime
original movie
277
00:12:16,249 --> 00:12:18,851
where I switch bodies
with Hilary Duff
278
00:12:18,885 --> 00:12:21,587
called Switcheroo Summer.
279
00:12:21,621 --> 00:12:24,189
I'm ruined.
280
00:12:24,224 --> 00:12:27,493
You're ruined?
I have a callback tomorrow
281
00:12:27,528 --> 00:12:29,896
on CSI: Miami.
282
00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:34,667
CSI: Miami
is on hiatus.
283
00:12:34,702 --> 00:12:38,004
You're not Victoria.
Who are you?
284
00:12:38,039 --> 00:12:41,174
I told you not
to go off-book.
285
00:12:41,209 --> 00:12:44,278
And I told you I don't know
what that means.
286
00:12:47,316 --> 00:12:48,783
What is going on?
287
00:12:48,818 --> 00:12:51,219
Look, we brought you here
to talk about Courtney.
288
00:12:51,254 --> 00:12:52,754
Now don't you still love her?
289
00:12:52,788 --> 00:12:56,958
I do, truly.
I always will, but...
290
00:12:56,992 --> 00:12:58,659
I'm not ready to settle down.
291
00:12:58,693 --> 00:13:00,394
I'm only 65.
292
00:13:01,663 --> 00:13:03,897
You're 65?
293
00:13:03,931 --> 00:13:06,032
I'm very good at what I do.
294
00:13:06,066 --> 00:13:08,101
But at your age,
295
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,302
can you really continue
this Peter Pan lifestyle?
296
00:13:10,337 --> 00:13:12,004
Well, I'm in my 60s,
297
00:13:12,038 --> 00:13:14,506
but thanks to hair plugs
and extensive plastic surgery,
298
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:15,708
I could pass for 38.
299
00:13:17,310 --> 00:13:18,644
You can knock off
another ten years,
300
00:13:18,646 --> 00:13:19,912
bringing me down to 28.
301
00:13:19,946 --> 00:13:22,648
I drive a Porsche, which
knocks off another five years,
302
00:13:22,682 --> 00:13:24,116
minus two more
because it's a convertible.
303
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:28,321
When you do the math,
I'm barely old enough to drink.
304
00:13:31,558 --> 00:13:33,893
- Courtney?
- Dr. Minton?
305
00:13:33,927 --> 00:13:37,563
- Josh Cribbs?
- Dr. Minton?
306
00:13:37,597 --> 00:13:39,765
I thought you said he was dead.
307
00:13:39,799 --> 00:13:43,068
- He is to me.
- Cribbs.
308
00:13:43,102 --> 00:13:44,936
What the hell, man?
309
00:13:44,971 --> 00:13:47,171
I had you on my fantasy team,
310
00:13:47,206 --> 00:13:49,607
you went out with a groin injury
in the Steelers game.
311
00:13:49,641 --> 00:13:51,275
You really wreed
my whole season.
312
00:13:51,309 --> 00:13:53,744
Well, that must've been
painful for you.
313
00:13:53,778 --> 00:13:55,913
Almost as painful
as a groin injury.
314
00:13:57,415 --> 00:13:59,083
What are you doing here?
315
00:13:59,117 --> 00:14:00,551
Came to see Victoria,
316
00:14:00,585 --> 00:14:04,756
but now that I see you, I--
I really miss you, Courtney.
317
00:14:04,790 --> 00:14:06,592
Enough to marry me?
318
00:14:06,626 --> 00:14:10,429
Maybe. Someday.
Not yet.
319
00:14:10,463 --> 00:14:12,565
Well, fine, I'll just
marry Josh Cribbs.
320
00:14:12,599 --> 00:14:14,434
Wait, what?
321
00:14:14,468 --> 00:14:17,303
Okay, this is getting
a little too weird for me.
322
00:14:17,337 --> 00:14:18,571
Good night, everyone.
323
00:14:18,606 --> 00:14:21,274
I think what that large
football man is trying
324
00:14:21,309 --> 00:14:25,146
to tell us is that you two
obviously belong together.
325
00:14:25,180 --> 00:14:27,515
You know, he's right.
326
00:14:27,549 --> 00:14:30,518
Come on, Gaby, let's go back
to the way things were.
327
00:14:30,553 --> 00:14:32,854
Why should I?
In L.A., a woman my age
328
00:14:32,889 --> 00:14:34,389
has to take whatever
she can get.
329
00:14:34,423 --> 00:14:36,091
But here in Cleveland,
I can get whatever I want
330
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:37,492
and whomever I want.
331
00:14:37,527 --> 00:14:41,797
I don't have to date
a 65-year-old senior citizen.
332
00:14:41,831 --> 00:14:44,500
Are you really going
to play the age card,
333
00:14:44,534 --> 00:14:46,368
Miss Born in 1960--
334
00:14:49,406 --> 00:14:52,609
Well, the joke is on you.
335
00:14:52,643 --> 00:14:55,011
You forgot that I lost
all feeling in my cheeks
336
00:14:55,045 --> 00:14:56,679
after my last skin graft.
337
00:14:56,714 --> 00:15:00,884
I literally have the face
of a man half my age.
338
00:15:01,889 --> 00:15:03,397
All: Genius.
339
00:15:06,795 --> 00:15:09,297
[Grunting]
340
00:15:09,331 --> 00:15:10,297
- Hi.
- Dr. Minton.
341
00:15:10,332 --> 00:15:11,665
What are you doing here?
342
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,467
I was on my way to the airport,
343
00:15:13,501 --> 00:15:16,069
but I turned around because
I couldn't stop thinking
344
00:15:16,103 --> 00:15:17,804
about your face.
345
00:15:17,838 --> 00:15:21,007
- Oh, I get that a lot.
- Yeah.
346
00:15:21,042 --> 00:15:23,643
I was drawn to it,
and I couldn't figure out why,
347
00:15:23,678 --> 00:15:27,382
but now I remember. You--
you look like my grandmother.
348
00:15:28,484 --> 00:15:30,919
Before she made me
make her look young
349
00:15:30,954 --> 00:15:33,455
and she started
dressing like Kesha.
350
00:15:33,490 --> 00:15:38,461
I'm proud of my wrinkles.
351
00:15:38,495 --> 00:15:40,830
I earned every line.
352
00:15:40,864 --> 00:15:43,299
Just like this
gnarled old tree.
353
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:44,567
It's a beautiful tree.
354
00:15:44,602 --> 00:15:49,339
In Los Angeles, our trees
are cell phone towers.
355
00:15:49,373 --> 00:15:52,943
There's beauty in things
that are naturally old.
356
00:15:52,978 --> 00:15:54,812
That's why I wanna protect it.
357
00:15:54,846 --> 00:15:57,881
Ah, I can see why.
358
00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:01,985
Although I would shave off a few
of these limbs for symmetry.
359
00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:05,054
Maybe take this bump out,
make it look less ethnic.
360
00:16:06,957 --> 00:16:08,658
Sorry. Habit.
361
00:16:08,692 --> 00:16:12,562
You and that tiny girl
back at my house
362
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:15,031
are perfect for each other.
363
00:16:15,065 --> 00:16:16,032
What's the story there?
364
00:16:16,066 --> 00:16:17,800
I love Courtney.
365
00:16:17,834 --> 00:16:19,835
She's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
366
00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:21,504
Well, then
why dot you marry her?
367
00:16:21,538 --> 00:16:24,107
I'm too young to get married.
368
00:16:24,142 --> 00:16:27,511
Not growing up is not the same
as being young.
369
00:16:27,545 --> 00:16:30,847
I hear what you're saying.
370
00:16:30,882 --> 00:16:33,250
But a leopard
can't change its spots.
371
00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:36,320
It can if it finds
the tiny leopard
372
00:16:36,354 --> 00:16:38,221
it wants to change for.
373
00:16:38,256 --> 00:16:40,357
Wow, you don't give up, do you?
374
00:16:40,391 --> 00:16:41,858
- Mm-mm.
- Now you really remind me
375
00:16:41,893 --> 00:16:43,293
- of my grandmother.
- [Laughing]
376
00:16:43,327 --> 00:16:46,963
Minus the miniskirt
and the body glitter.
377
00:16:46,997 --> 00:16:49,632
I've got a flight to catch.
378
00:16:49,667 --> 00:16:51,200
- Whoo...
- Oh, are you okay?
379
00:16:51,235 --> 00:16:53,302
Yeah, this old oak
380
00:16:53,337 --> 00:16:56,339
really pumps out
the oxygen, doesn't it?
381
00:16:56,373 --> 00:16:58,674
[Thuds]
382
00:17:01,944 --> 00:17:04,613
- Courtney.
- Dr. Minton.
383
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,885
He fell out of my tree.
384
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,587
Why didn't you tell us?
385
00:17:11,622 --> 00:17:13,023
I told her not to.
386
00:17:13,057 --> 00:17:16,093
I couldn't think of a way
to make it home off sexy.
387
00:17:16,127 --> 00:17:18,896
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
388
00:17:18,931 --> 00:17:21,999
But at the hospital,
they made me give my real age.
389
00:17:22,034 --> 00:17:24,602
That plus some stuff Elka said
to me got me thinking.
390
00:17:24,636 --> 00:17:26,203
Well, she's done
a lot of living
391
00:17:26,238 --> 00:17:28,305
in her 110 years.
392
00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:29,940
I'm 90.
393
00:17:29,975 --> 00:17:32,309
Of course you are.
394
00:17:34,045 --> 00:17:36,346
The reason I've tried
to stay young
395
00:17:36,381 --> 00:17:37,781
was so that I would have
enough time
396
00:17:37,815 --> 00:17:39,282
to find the perfect woman.
397
00:17:39,317 --> 00:17:41,351
But now I realize
that the person
398
00:17:41,385 --> 00:17:43,954
I have been searching for
all this time
399
00:17:43,989 --> 00:17:45,689
was just outside my office do.
400
00:17:45,724 --> 00:17:47,859
All: Aww.
401
00:17:47,893 --> 00:17:50,195
Why are you three gushing?
402
00:17:50,229 --> 00:17:53,298
That line is from
every romantic comedy ever.
403
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:58,638
We're from Hollywood, where
originality is frowned upon.
404
00:17:58,672 --> 00:18:01,140
Courtney...
405
00:18:01,175 --> 00:18:03,476
Will you marry me?
406
00:18:03,510 --> 00:18:06,179
[Squeaks] Yes.
407
00:18:06,213 --> 00:18:08,881
Aw, she makes him
want to be a better man.
408
00:18:08,916 --> 00:18:11,718
He had her
at "Hello."
409
00:18:11,752 --> 00:18:15,388
I weep for your generation.
410
00:18:15,422 --> 00:18:17,757
Any ideas on a date yet?
411
00:18:17,791 --> 00:18:19,358
We're due back in L.A.
in six months
412
00:18:19,393 --> 00:18:20,660
for our follow-up
appointments.
413
00:18:20,694 --> 00:18:22,461
Well, by that time,
I wanna be married to Courtney,
414
00:18:22,496 --> 00:18:23,829
living in Cleveland
and complaining
415
00:18:23,864 --> 00:18:25,932
- about the Indians' bullpen.
- What?
416
00:18:25,967 --> 00:18:28,202
That is, if it's okay with you.
417
00:18:28,236 --> 00:18:30,538
Of course. I don't care
where we live,
418
00:18:30,572 --> 00:18:33,340
as long as I'm
Mrs. Dr. Minton.
419
00:18:33,375 --> 00:18:34,809
There are little puffs of air
420
00:18:34,843 --> 00:18:37,211
coming out of her eyes.
421
00:18:37,245 --> 00:18:40,515
I'm crying.
422
00:18:40,549 --> 00:18:42,416
So are you really
gonna move to Cleveland?
423
00:18:42,451 --> 00:18:44,819
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna outbid
the day spa people,
424
00:18:44,853 --> 00:18:45,886
build an office on that lot,
425
00:18:45,921 --> 00:18:47,221
and keep the old oak.
426
00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:48,990
Oh, thank you.
427
00:18:49,024 --> 00:18:50,391
This is fabulous.
428
00:18:50,426 --> 00:18:51,526
So we lose a day spa,
429
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,061
but we gain
a celebrity dermatologist.
430
00:18:54,095 --> 00:18:57,497
Oh, no, I'm not gonna practice
the vanity arts in Cleveland.
431
00:18:57,532 --> 00:19:00,234
- What?
- Are you kidding me?
432
00:19:00,268 --> 00:19:03,103
I wanna focus on real
dermatological problems
433
00:19:03,138 --> 00:19:05,439
like ringworm and psoriasis.
434
00:19:05,473 --> 00:19:07,341
No more silly
fountain of youth stuff.
435
00:19:07,375 --> 00:19:09,042
You're still gonna
do me, right?
436
00:19:09,077 --> 00:19:11,545
Well, yeah, of course.
I have to have a hot wife.
437
00:19:12,914 --> 00:19:15,082
Dr. Minton.
438
00:19:15,116 --> 00:19:18,986
Besides, they were this close
to shutting down
439
00:19:19,020 --> 00:19:20,721
my clinic in L.A.
440
00:19:20,755 --> 00:19:22,523
Why?
441
00:19:22,557 --> 00:19:24,225
No reason.
442
00:19:28,928 --> 00:19:31,458
Okay, well, I've done my
research, and there are a number
443
00:19:31,486 --> 00:19:33,829
of places we could get our Botox
done here in Cleveland.
444
00:19:33,863 --> 00:19:35,664
In fact, there's one here
where we can use a Groupon.
445
00:19:35,698 --> 00:19:39,902
Groupon Botox, Melanie?
Has it come to that?
446
00:19:39,936 --> 00:19:44,006
Even my pathetic friend, Joy--
not you, Joy--
447
00:19:44,041 --> 00:19:45,875
wouldn't stoop that low.
448
00:19:45,909 --> 00:19:48,744
Well, I guess we could just
accept life as it comes.
449
00:19:48,779 --> 00:19:51,113
- What, age naturally?
- Hmm.
450
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,048
We've never thought about that.
451
00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:54,583
We could give it a try.
452
00:19:56,969 --> 00:19:59,688
I have a major
announcement to make.
453
00:19:59,722 --> 00:20:04,526
We have been Botox-free
for three years.
454
00:20:05,008 --> 00:20:14,397
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
455
00:20:14,906 --> 00:20:18,142
On second thought, Cleveland
Botox doesn't sound that bad.
456
00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:21,579
Print that Groupon,
Melanie, print it.
457
00:20:21,613 --> 00:20:24,253
- Done and done.
- To fighting nature.
458
00:20:24,373 --> 00:20:26,306
- To fighting nature.
- To fighting nature.
459
00:20:26,356 --> 00:20:30,906
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