Original subtitles

Hot in Clevelandis recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Hi, Elka.

It's good to be home. Warm smile.

Why did she say "Warm smile"?

Our faces are frozen from a special form of Botox.

So for the next 24 hours,

the only way we can express our emotions is to say them.

Slightly embarrassed from the situation red face.

Why would you fly to Los Angeles

to get your face frozen?

Couldn't you just stay here

and stick your heads in a snow drift?

We have to get our treatments in L.A.

Because that's where Dr. Minton is.

That man is a genius.

Dr. Minton is the best dermatologist in the country.

He's the reason we don't look unnatural.

Every A-list celebrity goes to him.

How did you get in?

We have a gateway friend.

A gateway friend is someone

who can get you into every place exclusive.

Our gateway friend

is Dr. Minton's receptionist/ girlfriend Courtney.

When we're in L.A., I do her eyebrows

and Victoria takes her to premieres

in exchange for appointments.

What do you do for her?

Not really caring.

I listen to her relationship problems.

Yes, for the past three days,

Melanie has had a fake smile plastered on her face

just so she could get a fake smile plastered on her face.

[Phone ringing] Oh, that's Courtney now.

Hey, Court, what's up?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. What?

Look of panic.

Of course you can come stay with us in Cleveland

and cry on our shoulders.

She broke up with Dr. Minton

and quit her job as his receptionist.

We lost our gateway?

Jaw drop, Melanie, jaw drop.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Have your faces unfrozen yet?

Because I wanna see anger and outrage.

Why, what's up?

"Help keep Cleveland the forest city."

"Save 100-year-old historic oak tree from destruction."

But this is at the end of our block.

Why would someone want to get rid

of that beautiful old tree?

A developer bought the lot

and he plans to bulldoze it.

Oh, that's terrible.

They wanna put in a day spa.

- Finally, oh! - That's fantastic.

Elka, I'm sorry.

But that means that we'd have a day spa,

a wine bar, and a fire station, all within walking distance.

Oh, it's the single ladies+ holy trinity.

- Can someone open the door? - Yeah-yeah.

We're coming.

Hello, girls.

Oh, hello, Courtney.

Can you give me a hand?

She fainted getting out of the car.

Thank you, I feel much better now.

I just got lightheaded from the lack of smog.

Right, honey, we should've warned you.

If you haven't been outside of L.A. in quite a while,

the pure oxygen can be overwhelming.

Yeah, sometimes when I get homesick,

I let the car run with the garage door closed.

Oh, springtime in L.A.

How are your faces doing?

Excellent.

No visible lines.

Everything looks to be in order.

[Gasps]

How did this happen?

I'm 90.

Since everyone lies about their age by at least 20,

that makes you 110.

I'm 90.

How long have you been without oxygen?

Well, I moved to L.A. in 1980...

Hey, you're trying to get me to reveal my real age.

[Giggling] She's good.

Courtney, we are delighted that you came to us

in your time of need, but isn't there any way

that you could patch things up with Dr. Minton?

No, and now you've got me sobbing again.

I don't see any tears.

The last time Dr. Minton and I broke up,

he said he would never make me cry again.

So he removed my tear ducks.

Genius.

Well, I'm off to save a tree

let me know how this all turns out.

Or don't.

I don't really care.

Do you mind if I use your powder room?

I just started an aggressive round

of experimental face cream, and every two hours

I have to make sure my skin isn't eating itself.

Yeah, sure, it's down the hall, to the left.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Okay, this is gonna be harder than we thought.

We talked in the car.

She swears it is over between her and Dr. Minton.

There is no way it's over until we say it's over.

No, it's time to pull out the big guns.

I say we try the three-pronged attack.

Agreed. I'll take "Cold, hard facts for women over 40."

And I will do "Yes, but"s.

And I'll make up a pathetic single friend

as a cautionary tale.

Just don't call her "Joy" this time.

But it's such a good name

for someone who's a complete mess.

Don't take it personally.

Oh, here she comes.

There were no prescriptions in your medicine cabinet.

How do you stay happy here?

Oh, we're always happy here.

Unless one of us is going through a break-up.

- Mm. - Which reminds me--

Did you know a single woman over 40 is more likely

to be attacked by an ostrich

than meet a new man after a break-up?

That's a frightening statistic.

Still, I think I could do better

than someone who afraid of commitment.

Yes, but...could you?

I think so.

Yes, but...really?

Maybe.

Yes, but...seriously?

I never thought of it like that.

You know, a-- a similar thing happened

to my friend Joy.

Not this Joy.

Uh, two years ago, she got out of a tong-term relationship,

and right now, she is living on her own

in a studio apartment in Reseda.

The valley?

I am just so proud of her.

I mean, she doesn't need a man to be happy.

That's what her 52 cats are for.

Oh, my God, you girls are right.

I have to get back together with Dr. Minton.

I don't wanna be like Joy.

Oh, none does.

What?

Is this the valley?

We keep telling you Cleveland doesn't have a valley.

Looks like the valley.

Come on, come on. We're here to celebrate.

You're getting back together with a Beverly Hills doctor.

You're right. A round of drinks,

and then off to the airport.

Wait, all the men are looking at me.

Well, that's what men do here.

I remember that look. It's desire.

Isn't that funny?

That's what we said the first time we came to Cleveland.

Oh, my God, they're positively leering.

Even guys younger than my fake age are looking at me.

Uh-oh.

I'm gonna do something I haven't done in 20 years--

relax my stomach muscles.

Oh, my God, they're still looking.

Melanie, your Christmas letters were true.

- Yes, but-- - "Yes, but" nothing.

These animals view me as nothing

but a mindless sex object,

and I'm gonna go show them that they're right.

Hi, I'm Courtney.

We're idiots.

It was a mistake coming here.

We should've kept her isolated from the indigenous population.

I don't know what's worse--

you telling outsiders about our special powers here,

or that you're still wring Christmas letters.

People like my Christmas letters.

Look, this city is our secret.

Now what if she tells other women?

Cleveland will be overrun with desperate refugees

from Beverly Hills, and then it really will be the valley.

We've got to get her out of here

before she becomes completely intoxicated

with the magic of Cleveland.

Okay, but you do have to drive her to the airport,

because it's karaoke night, and my fans will be disappointed

if I don't sing "Wonderwall."

It's kind of my jam.

Seven men just offered to buy me a drink.

But the bartender wouldn't serve me

until I showed him my I.D.,

which I refused to do because it would break the spell.

So now one of you have to go get me a drink.

Oh, no, we can't because we have to get you

to the airport as soon as possible.

- Why? - Uh...

They moved your flight up.

Flights don't get moved up.

Until now.

Everyone but you got there early,

and they said, "Oh, let's do it."

Who care if I miss it?

They love me here.

There's no way I'm getting on a plane tonight.

Oh, hi.

Oh, my God, I feel a frown breaking through.

You

[Whistles and applause]

Thank you, Cleveland.

Okay, okay, everyone settle down,

settle down. Time for results.

First place--no surprise here--goes to...

Courtney Pice.

[Applause]

Second place goes to... Cleveland Browns

star kick return specialist-- this man just came in

to ask for directions, and stayed to sing

"Wind Beneath my Wings"-- Josh Cribbs!

[Hoots and applause]

And third place goes to Joy Hoggs.

That's "Scroggs."

[Paltry applause]

I can't believe I lost.

Hey, I'm bummed too.

I have two passions in life-- football and karaoke.

Fortunately for me, one of them pays really well.

It's football.

Thank you, everybody.

And don't worry, I'll be back next week

to defend my title because...

I'm moving to Cleveland!

[Cheers and applause]

All: Courtney! Courtney! Courtney!

Courtney! Courtney! Courtney!

Thank you for supporting the cause.

To be perfectly honest, we wanted an excuse

to get away from Courtney.

She's so superficial and shallow,

and all about how men respond to her appearance.

Yeah, don't you just hate women like that?

So how come you like this tree so much?

I've been walking past it for 60 years.

Oh, if it gets cut down,

it would be like losing a friend.

- Mm. - Aww.

A real friend, not a gateway friend.

Turns out our gateway friend's

gonna be our new neighbor friend.

Courtney's staying in Cleveland.

And if we can't get her back to L.A.,

there is no chance she can reconcile with Dr. Minton.

Isn't this where you three knuckleheads

come up with some harebrained scheme,

and I tell you it's stupid, and you do it anyway?

Way ahead of you. Smile.

Dr. Minton, thank you so much for coming.

I flew out as soon as I saw that picture of Victoria.

- Where is she? - I'm right here.

Victoria!

What did you do to your face?

Did you get it wet?

You know my treatments are not FDA approved.

They're not?

- When did this happen? - Overnight.

Like in that lifetime original movie

where I switch bodies with Hilary Duff

called Switcheroo Summer.

I'm ruined.

You're ruined? I have a callback tomorrow

on CSI: Miami.

CSI: Miami is on hiatus.

You're not Victoria. Who are you?

I told you not to go off-book.

And I told you I don't know what that means.

What is going on?

Look, we brought you here to talk about Courtney.

Now don't you still love her?

I do, truly. I always will, but...

I'm not ready to settle down.

I'm only 65.

You're 65?

I'm very good at what I do.

But at your age,

can you really continue this Peter Pan lifestyle?

Well, I'm in my 60s,

but thanks to hair plugs and extensive plastic surgery,

I could pass for 38.

You can knock off another ten years,

bringing me down to 28.

I drive a Porsche, which knocks off another five years,

minus two more because it's a convertible.

When you do the math, I'm barely old enough to drink.

- Courtney? - Dr. Minton?

- Josh Cribbs? - Dr. Minton?

I thought you said he was dead.

- He is to me. - Cribbs.

What the hell, man?

I had you on my fantasy team,

you went out with a groin injury in the Steelers game.

You really wreed my whole season.

Well, that must've been painful for you.

Almost as painful as a groin injury.

What are you doing here?

Came to see Victoria,

but now that I see you, I-- I really miss you, Courtney.

Enough to marry me?

Maybe. Someday. Not yet.

Well, fine, I'll just marry Josh Cribbs.

Wait, what?

Okay, this is getting a little too weird for me.

Good night, everyone.

I think what that large football man is trying

to tell us is that you two obviously belong together.

You know, he's right.

Come on, Gaby, let's go back to the way things were.

Why should I? In L.A., a woman my age

has to take whatever she can get.

But here in Cleveland, I can get whatever I want

and whomever I want.

I don't have to date a 65-year-old senior citizen.

Are you really going to play the age card,

Miss Born in 1960--

Well, the joke is on you.

You forgot that I lost all feeling in my cheeks

after my last skin graft.

I literally have the face of a man half my age.

All: Genius.

[Grunting]

- Hi. - Dr. Minton.

What are you doing here?

I was on my way to the airport,

but I turned around because I couldn't stop thinking

about your face.

- Oh, I get that a lot. - Yeah.

I was drawn to it, and I couldn't figure out why,

but now I remember. You-- you look like my grandmother.

Before she made me make her look young

and she started dressing like Kesha.

I'm proud of my wrinkles.

I earned every line.

Just like this gnarled old tree.

It's a beautiful tree.

In Los Angeles, our trees are cell phone towers.

There's beauty in things that are naturally old.

That's why I wanna protect it.

Ah, I can see why.

Although I would shave off a few of these limbs for symmetry.

Maybe take this bump out, make it look less ethnic.

Sorry. Habit.

You and that tiny girl back at my house

are perfect for each other.

What's the story there?

I love Courtney.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Well, then why dot you marry her?

I'm too young to get married.

Not growing up is not the same as being young.

I hear what you're saying.

But a leopard can't change its spots.

It can if it finds the tiny leopard

it wants to change for.

Wow, you don't give up, do you?

- Mm-mm. - Now you really remind me

- of my grandmother. - [Laughing]

Minus the miniskirt and the body glitter.

I've got a flight to catch.

- Whoo... - Oh, are you okay?

Yeah, this old oak

really pumps out the oxygen, doesn't it?

[Thuds]

- Courtney. - Dr. Minton.

He fell out of my tree.

Why didn't you tell us?

I told her not to.

I couldn't think of a way to make it home off sexy.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

But at the hospital, they made me give my real age.

That plus some stuff Elka said to me got me thinking.

Well, she's done a lot of living

in her 110 years.

I'm 90.

Of course you are.

The reason I've tried to stay young

was so that I would have enough time

to find the perfect woman.

But now I realize that the person

I have been searching for all this time

was just outside my office do.

All: Aww.

Why are you three gushing?

That line is from every romantic comedy ever.

We're from Hollywood, where originality is frowned upon.

Courtney...

Will you marry me?

[Squeaks] Yes.

Aw, she makes him want to be a better man.

He had her at "Hello."

I weep for your generation.

Any ideas on a date yet?

We're due back in L.A. in six months

for our follow-up appointments.

Well, by that time, I wanna be married to Courtney,

living in Cleveland and complaining

- about the Indians' bullpen. - What?

That is, if it's okay with you.

Of course. I don't care where we live,

as long as I'm Mrs. Dr. Minton.

There are little puffs of air

coming out of her eyes.

I'm crying.

So are you really gonna move to Cleveland?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna outbid the day spa people,

build an office on that lot,

and keep the old oak.

Oh, thank you.

This is fabulous.

So we lose a day spa,

but we gain a celebrity dermatologist.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna practice the vanity arts in Cleveland.

- What? - Are you kidding me?

I wanna focus on real dermatological problems

like ringworm and psoriasis.

No more silly fountain of youth stuff.

You're still gonna do me, right?

Well, yeah, of course. I have to have a hot wife.

Dr. Minton.

Besides, they were this close to shutting down

my clinic in L.A.

Why?

No reason.

Okay, well, I've done my research, and there are a number

of places we could get our Botox done here in Cleveland.

In fact, there's one here where we can use a Groupon.

Groupon Botox, Melanie? Has it come to that?

Even my pathetic friend, Joy-- not you, Joy--

wouldn't stoop that low.

Well, I guess we could just accept life as it comes.

- What, age naturally? - Hmm.

We've never thought about that.

We could give it a try.

I have a major announcement to make.

We have been Botox-free for three years.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

On second thought, Cleveland Botox doesn't sound that bad.

Print that Groupon, Melanie, print it.

- Done and done. - To fighting nature.

- To fighting nature. - To fighting nature.

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