Original subtitles

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Joy, Melanie, happy Valentine's Day.

Thank you, Victoria.

And there's one for each of you, and for me.

All: Aww.

- That was sweet. BOTH: Aww.

Okay, that's done.

Let's drink.

Sweats, pizza and wine.

It's like the cover of Giving Up magazine.

It's not giving up.

We chose not to go out

on Valentine's Day.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Denial magazine.

Elka, you look very nice.

So who's the lucky man tonight?

Oh, Gerald.

Or Harold...or something.

I keep thinking about last Valentine's Day.

- When you were with Max? - Yes.

Oh, I love Fred and Roy and--and Bobby.

And I--you know, I like Jack and--and Lester and Ernie.

Oh, but there's just nobody like my Max.

Yeah, I get it, Valentine's Day can make you very nostalgic.

That's why I'm wearing my old swim parka from high school.

You were on a swim team?

I thought you had a scoliosis brace.

Well, yeah, but I was team equipment manager.

You know, I would hand out the towels

and shave the Greek kids' backs.

On the plus side, I was voted

"hottest girl in a back brace."

Until that perky cheerleader fell off the pyramid.

I'm sorry, what part of this makes you nostalgic?

Oh, our top swimmer, Nick Costas.

I had the biggest crush on him.

I stole this jacket from him.

I used to flirt with him until my glasses would fog up

and sweat would drip down and sting my jaw line acne.

I wonder what he looks like now.

I don't like the new design.

Couldn't let it alone could you, Zuckerberg?

Oh, there he is.

Oh, my goodness, he's still so cute.

Is he married?

It doesn't say.

His status is "road trippin' with the boys".

I'm gonna friend him.

On Valentine's Day?

That seems a bit desperate.

Even to joy.

Okay, okay, I'll wait. [Chuckles]

Hey, why don't we all track down lost loves?

Oh, I'd love to contact Max.

But he's been real mad at me since I almost married Fred...

And ran away with Bobby.

Well, I'm in.

Ooh, I would love to know how

my first ex-husband, Clark, is doing.

He had it all--he was tall, gorgeous, brilliant.

Feast your eyes.

And he's a renowned scientist.

Why did he dump you?

I'm assuming.

I dumped him.

No, I--I mean he didn't take my acting seriously

and he always had all these strange creatures in the house.

Now he was especially devoted to this hateful parrot

who always used to talk about me behind my back.

Parrots can't make things up.

- They just repeat what you say. - Yeah.

Well, now you sound just like Clark.

So, Joy, who you gonna look up?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

Obviously my lost love is my runaway groom, Kyle.

But, I really think that's best left dead and buried... right?

Yes, of course.

But, maybe if he told me why he left me at the altar,

I could finally get closure.

But what if he's not sorry?

That would kill me.

Yes, it would.

But... what if he is sorry

and he feels the same spark when he sees me?

Things get back on track and before you know it

we're married and living in Provence.

Oh, fine, get off my back, Melanie!

I'll do it.

So we are finally gonna see

what Kyle looks like.

See, she cut him out of all her photos.

I can't look.

- It's a dog. - What?

I--it's a picture of his dog.

That means he's a fattie.

Sync, corrected by Alice www.addic7ed.com

Morning!

Nick Costas friended me back.

And now we're flirting online

like a couple of middle-aged teenagers.

Oh, boy, that didn't sound sexy.

No.

But this does.

"Hey, Nick.

"'Memba me, Melanie Moretti?

Long time, no swim."

Good, huh?

And get this, he is "road trippin' with the boys"

through Ohio,

and he told me that I looked,

in all caps, "amazing" on my Facebook photo.

Everything he wrote is in caps.

Including "amazing."

Girls, I have a confession to make.

I was up all night, reading about Kyle online.

What did you find out?

He's single.

He's in Minneapolis today for business...

And he just had a cappuccino with two extra shots

on Hennepin Avenue.

Oh, so he's one of those guys

who posts ever little thing he does on his wall.

No, I hacked into his email, his car's GPS,

and his credit card accounts.

Turns out I'm pretty good at this.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get it.

Work off all that breakfast I didn't eat.

My God, Victoria, you're gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

Who are you?

I'm Clark, your ex-husband.

I got your email.

Thought I'd surprise you.

You're not Clark.

Clark is strapping and tall.

Oh, my loss of height was due to the calcium-leeching disease

I contracted from the calcium leeches in the Amazon.

But what about the muscles and the cheek bones and...

And the muscles?

There were, uh... various tropical fevers

and the apes who I lived with used me like a throw toy.

Plus my gym membership ran out.

Oh, Joy, Melanie, I want you to meet my--

my first ex-husband, Clark.

- You're Clark. - Yes.

He ordered something on Amazon that made him small.

Clearly, I am, um, not what you expected.

I think maybe surprising you was a mistake.

Uh, I won't stay.

No, no, no, of course you'll stay.

I--I insist.

Uh, where's your luggage?

It's right out here with Barry.

Barry?

Oh that horrible parrot is still alive?

Hello.

Bitch.

I saw the light on.

Oh, Elka.

I've written an email to Kyle

that could break the silence between us.

But I--I just can't seem to press send.

Oh, when you're ready, you'll know it.

Thanks.

I'll wait till it feels right.

- Good night. - Good night.

Feels right to me.

I just don't know what to do.

I mean, last night, Clark kept telling me

how he's still attracted to me

and I--I don't wanna hurt him.

Victoria, it's not like Clark is some sort of troll.

He's just not the huge, strapping man that you remember.

He's still brilliant.

Yeah, well, he seemed a lot more brilliant

when he could lift me with one arm.

Kyle used to pick me up and throw me on the bed.

I've gotta stop thinking about him.

Or at least picture him as some hideous elephant man.

How pathetic am I that the elephant man

left me at the altar.

I know. I'll just lie to Clark and tell him

I got some part in a movie.

I'll pretend to fly to Hollywood,

and then he'll leave

and take this annoying, unlovable monster with him.

[Bleep] You.

Barry, are you okay?

Okay, good luck with all of that.

I'd hit that.

Thanks.

How do you know he wasn't talking to me?

Oh, oh, Clark, there you are.

Um, there's something that I need to tell you.

Clark's a troll.

What? You said I was a troll?

No, of course not.

Well he doesn't just make these things up.

What else have you been saying about me?

Hideous elephant man.

Joy said that.

- What?! - But not about you.

Look, um, I--I just found out that I got a part in a movie.

- Lie to Clark about a movie. - Barry!

Wow, even back in our worst days

you never lied to me.

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you, Victoria.

Thank you, Barry.

Joy, Nick's coming to Cleveland tonight.

He wants me to meet him in his hotel room.

Congratulations.

You have a date tonight too, Joy.

No, I don't.

Uh...

After you went to sleep, I, uh, pretended I was you,

and... IMed Kyle.

What? Why would you do that?

Because I knew you secretly wanted me to.

And I'd had a few.

What did you say?

A lot of back and forth.

It got hot for a while, and...

Then it cooled down, and...

Then it got hot again.

"I'll meet you at the top of the terminal tower tonight

wearing nothing but me rain coat."

I am not showing up wearing only a rain coat.

Why not?

Guys love that "naked under a coat" thing.

Guys do, don't they?

Hi, Nick.

Hey, Melanie.

Are you ready to see all the sights?

We sure are!

- Hi. - Hi.

I'm Alison. Pregnant, not fat.

[Laughs]

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

I'm Melanie Moretti.

I thought you were road trippin' with the boys.

Oh, we are, yeah.

Boys, come in here.

[Laughs nervously]

The boys... are so adorable.

- Here, let me take your coat-- - Oh, God no!

I mean...No, thank you, that's...

Oh, God, I'm a nervous wreck.

Once we get to the roof, you have to be honest

and tell Kyle you wrote those messages.

Then you have to lie and tell him that

I'm happily in love with a South African pro golfer.

Okay.

A male, South African pro golfer.

Oh, you're no fun.

Hold the elevator!

- Max! - Elka.

Were you coming here to see me?

No.

I forgot your office was even in this building.

Oh, I see.

So why are you dressed so provocatively?

You know that's my favorite track suit.

Oh...Well, I'm only here to meet the guy

who dumped Joy on her wedding day.

He didn't ask.

[Chuckles]

What a coincidence.

You dumped me on your wedding day, Elka.

Clearly weddings are a sore subject.

No more talk about weddings.

- Agreed. - Agreed.

Hold the door.

Hi. We just got married.

Oh, great, somebody already pressed roof.

Oh...That's where he proposed.

We're going up to have a glass of champagne

before we go to the hotel.

Now what?

Relax, this happens all the time.

Uh...

That's new though.

I can't believe you still have one of our old swim parkas.

Are you sure I can't take it?

You're sweating.

Oh, yeah.

I like to sweat.

I remember that.

She's Melanie Moretti.

We called her Melanie more-sweaty.

[Chuckles]

I... did not know that.

I'll go get the kids ready.

Okay.

Oh, oh, no!

Nick, the baby's coming.

Honey, are you sure?

Yes, we need to get to a hospital.

Uh, but who's gonna watch the kids?

Sure, sure, no sweaty.

There's no cell reception so all I need you to do

is walk up to the 36th floor to the observation deck

and let him know I'm trapped in this elevator.

What do you mean, "no"?

Well, you're from Cleveland.

I'm sure you could use the exercise.

Hello? Hello? [Sighs]

They still have no idea how long it's gonna take to fix it.

Maybe we should open that bottle of champagne to pass the time.

As we discussed, ma'am, it's for our wedding night.

If there is a wedding night.

I'm shipping out tonight.

Last-minute deployment. - You were right.

We should have gone straight to the hotel.

It'll be fine, sweetheart.

But a little married advice.

Never say, "you were right."

It does sound weird.

How long have you two been married?

Um...Well...Uh...

All right, I'll answer.

They're not married.

They were engaged, then they weren't.

Then she interrupted his wedding.

Then he interrupted her wedding.

But she chose her dead husband.

But now she's sorry because she missed her Max.

- Joy! - Is that true, Elka?

Well, I-it's not not true.

Actually, I chose this building

because I was hoping I'd run into you.

Aww.

This calls for a celebration.

How about we open that champagne?

Please, stop fighting.

Please, stop fighting.

Oh, fine, go ahead and fight.

[Knocks at door] Excuse me?

Is this one of yours?

Found him eating French fries

off the room service tray and he wouldn't share.

Uh, he could be one of mine.

I started with three.

I--I better take him just in case.

There he goes.

Well, uh, you look like you could use a hand.

Oh, I really could, thank you.

Oh, no, not me.

I don't know what to do either.

It's just an observation.

Although, we could do what my parents did

when my brother and I went at it.

Uh, have a drink and ignore it.

Well, the mini bar is open.

So's the bottom of your jacket.

You might wanna think about putting something on.

I'll just get Barry and we'll be out of your way.

Oh, please don't leave like this.

Just come and sit here for one minute and let me explain.

I didn't say those things that Barry said.

He just picked random words to make me look bad.

Well, he always has hated you.

Ever since you stole his mirror.

I don't know why he needs it.

He always looks the same.

[Laughs]

Victoria, you really haven't changed.

I wish I could say the same for myself.

Oh, Clark.

And that's the first time

you've looked at me the way you used to.

Come on, stay a little longer.

We can talk about old times and I'll make dinner;

Whip up a pot of Clark's delight.

Oh, Clark's delight?

Delicious.

What was in that?

Hamburger meat and sugar.

I really was a lousy cook.

I didn't notice.

- The sex was too good. - Mmm.

And then I'd start talking about my work

and your eyes would glaze over.

I'm sorry about that but it's just that you kept on talking

about those disgusting species of bugs

that you were studying and it was bleh.

I know, I know, it's true.

However, I have discovered a Peruvian spider that might

- actually interest you. - Mmm.

It generates a venom that fights diabetes.

Oh, that's nice.

You know, it has an intriguing side effect.

It erases wrinkles from human skin.

Go on.

All right, I see your scoliosis brace

and raise you a droopy eye and a corrective shoe.

Wow.

Okay, you win.

You were a bigger geek than me.

If I wasn't president of the rocketry club,

I never would have gotten laid in high school.

I never got laid in high school.

Well, you got me into your pants fast enough.

By the way, thank you for this.

And thank you for not asking why

I was wearing a coat with nothing under it.

Oh, men never need an explanation for that.

So... [Chuckles]

Here's to... sharing a drink with the pretty babysitter

once the kids are asleep.

Man, was that ever a fantasy of mine in high school.

Yeah, did it go something like this?

Kyle's long gone by now.

I don't care if this elevator ever starts.

Of course.

Well, at least you two can start your honeymoon now.

No, there's no time to get to the hotel.

I gotta get straight to post.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Wait!

Your office is on this floor.

Good thinking.

Soldier, go storm that beach.

What did he call me?

Beach, he said beach.

Oh, don't you just love a happy ending.

[Laughs]

Oh...

Oh, so, was Kyle on the roof?

Nope. And I don't even know if he showed up.

Thanks for waiting up for me.

Oh, I didn't wait up for you.

My new bird couldn't sleep.

Your new bird?

"Off to Peru with Clark."

"Purchase no skin treatments until I return."

"Elka can take care of Barry."

I love Elka.

Poor Joy.

I, uh, I brought him up to speed.

I'm just gonna unfriend him and pretend it never happened.

Oh...

His profile picture isn't his dog any more.

It's him...

And 25 years of buried emotions come rushing back.

Oh, Joy.

The best thing to do is just forget it and move on.

You're right.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, you can't give up on that.

He's so handsome.

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