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1
00:00:00,717 --> 00:00:03,785
"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,619 --> 00:00:06,820
[Frustrated scream]
3
00:00:06,855 --> 00:00:09,056
Is Victoria
trying to iron again?
4
00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:12,159
No, she's reading her daughter
Emmy's latest rewrite
5
00:00:12,193 --> 00:00:13,273
of their Lifetime movie.
6
00:00:13,308 --> 00:00:14,461
Oh.
7
00:00:14,496 --> 00:00:16,830
This script
is a monstrosity.
8
00:00:16,864 --> 00:00:19,190
Emmy's rewrite makes me
come off as some sort of
9
00:00:19,225 --> 00:00:21,622
deranged Mommie Dearest.
10
00:00:21,656 --> 00:00:24,259
This movie was supposed
to be my comeback vehicle,
11
00:00:24,293 --> 00:00:28,107
but if I make this movie,
I'll be a pariah in this town.
12
00:00:28,141 --> 00:00:29,909
Well...
Maybe not in this town,
13
00:00:29,943 --> 00:00:31,309
but, you know,
in towns that matter,
14
00:00:31,343 --> 00:00:33,107
like L.A. and New York.
15
00:00:33,641 --> 00:00:35,642
Cleveland
is very forgiving.
16
00:00:35,676 --> 00:00:39,207
It's like the elastic waistband
of American cities.
17
00:00:39,241 --> 00:00:41,275
It's too forgiving.
18
00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:42,577
Not this again.
19
00:00:42,611 --> 00:00:45,150
She keeps nattering on
about some Cavalier baron
20
00:00:45,184 --> 00:00:46,651
usurping king James.
21
00:00:46,685 --> 00:00:49,990
Baron Davis!
Point guard for the Cavs.
22
00:00:50,024 --> 00:00:55,066
See? She's just stringing
random words together.
23
00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:57,735
Oh, thank God
you guys are here.
24
00:00:57,770 --> 00:00:59,136
I've had the worst day.
25
00:00:59,170 --> 00:01:00,571
Sorry,
but if you want to vent,
26
00:01:00,606 --> 00:01:02,474
you're gonna have to take
a number and wait your turn.
27
00:01:02,508 --> 00:01:04,243
I've been bikini shopping.
28
00:01:04,277 --> 00:01:05,912
- Alone?
- Oh, dear God!
29
00:01:05,947 --> 00:01:07,816
Have you lost your mind?
30
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,484
Bikini shopping
is a minefield.
31
00:01:09,518 --> 00:01:13,053
One wrong thong
and you're a sumo wrestler.
32
00:01:13,087 --> 00:01:16,923
One wrong top
and you're a ten-year-old boy.
33
00:01:16,958 --> 00:01:18,892
One wrong
bathing suit skirt
34
00:01:18,926 --> 00:01:22,227
and you're the hippo
from Fantasia.
35
00:01:22,261 --> 00:01:25,529
Why torture yourself now?
Summer's months away.
36
00:01:25,564 --> 00:01:27,030
I'm going
to Bermuda next week.
37
00:01:27,065 --> 00:01:29,232
Woman's Day Magazine
asked me to speak at a seminar,
38
00:01:29,766 --> 00:01:32,234
and they're having it at this
fabulous hotel on the beach.
39
00:01:32,268 --> 00:01:34,268
Women only?
Oh, dear.
40
00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:37,104
Men never look past legs
and cleavage, but women...
41
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:40,742
Oh, you'll be judged
mercilessly.
42
00:01:45,416 --> 00:01:47,249
That's why I narrowed it down
to three suits.
43
00:01:47,284 --> 00:01:50,152
If I can lose enough weight
to fit into this,
44
00:01:50,186 --> 00:01:51,988
they'll say,
"She looks great."
45
00:01:52,022 --> 00:01:54,690
But if I can starve myself
into this, they'll say,
46
00:01:54,725 --> 00:01:56,625
"Has she had work done?"
47
00:01:56,659 --> 00:02:00,962
But if I can dehydrate myself
into this, they'll say,
48
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:03,530
"Oh, my God,
I hate her."
49
00:02:03,565 --> 00:02:06,833
I just want them
to hate me so much.
50
00:02:06,868 --> 00:02:09,935
[Doorbell rings]
51
00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:13,338
Oh, what a surprise.
Flowers.
52
00:02:13,373 --> 00:02:16,474
Victoria, did you send
yourself flowers again?
53
00:02:16,508 --> 00:02:17,875
Yes. I had to.
54
00:02:17,910 --> 00:02:20,278
I was that upset
about that script.
55
00:02:20,312 --> 00:02:22,179
Actually,
they're from me.
56
00:02:22,214 --> 00:02:26,184
Wait,
I know that voice.
57
00:02:26,218 --> 00:02:27,185
[Gasps]
58
00:02:27,219 --> 00:02:29,120
Hello, Victoria.
59
00:02:29,155 --> 00:02:31,623
Lucci!
60
00:02:31,657 --> 00:02:34,626
[Ominous soap opera music]
61
00:02:34,661 --> 00:02:36,795
♪ ♪
62
00:02:37,329 --> 00:02:42,334
I've been experimenting
with new ringtones.
63
00:02:42,368 --> 00:02:45,369
Hello?
64
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:53,369
Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
65
00:02:54,211 --> 00:02:56,679
This is so exciting!
66
00:02:56,713 --> 00:03:00,449
We've never had a big star
in the house before!
67
00:03:00,984 --> 00:03:03,352
- I'm big, Elka.
- Well, sure.
68
00:03:03,386 --> 00:03:06,489
Compared to her,
you're a moose!
69
00:03:08,926 --> 00:03:11,061
- Hi, I'm Melanie.
- N-n-n-no.
70
00:03:11,095 --> 00:03:13,596
No introductions.
She's not staying.
71
00:03:13,631 --> 00:03:14,898
Victoria, please.
72
00:03:15,332 --> 00:03:17,067
When All My Children
was canceled,
73
00:03:17,101 --> 00:03:19,469
I had nowhere to turn.
74
00:03:19,504 --> 00:03:24,541
I was curled up in my
jewelry closet, hoping to die.
75
00:03:24,576 --> 00:03:26,143
And suddenly,
I remembered.
76
00:03:26,177 --> 00:03:30,146
When your soap career imploded,
you came here, to Cleveland,
77
00:03:30,180 --> 00:03:33,315
to find solace
among the little people.
78
00:03:33,350 --> 00:03:35,317
Oh, please.
No one's littler than you.
79
00:03:35,352 --> 00:03:40,522
If I popped your head back,
a pez would fly out.
80
00:03:42,492 --> 00:03:44,560
Please, Victoria,
don't turn me out.
81
00:03:44,594 --> 00:03:46,995
This is the lowest point
of my life.
82
00:03:47,030 --> 00:03:49,231
Oh, boo-hoo!
83
00:03:49,265 --> 00:03:53,301
I am not having 92 pounds
of pure evil under this roof.
84
00:03:53,335 --> 00:03:57,572
90! I lost 2 pounds
from stress.
85
00:03:57,606 --> 00:03:59,407
Stress!
That's what I need!
86
00:03:59,442 --> 00:04:01,476
No, I'm a stress eater!
I don't need stress.
87
00:04:01,510 --> 00:04:04,312
Now I'm stressing about stress!
Do we have any cookies?
88
00:04:04,347 --> 00:04:06,648
Oh, come on, Victoria.
89
00:04:06,683 --> 00:04:09,985
She's so cute.
Can't we keep her?
90
00:04:11,921 --> 00:04:14,355
You two need to
talk this out in private.
91
00:04:14,390 --> 00:04:16,391
Can someone show me
to my dressing room?
92
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,761
This is a house.
We don't have dressing rooms.
93
00:04:19,795 --> 00:04:24,799
Oh, God,
I'll never survive in the wild.
94
00:04:28,470 --> 00:04:31,405
Allow me.
95
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:32,906
Where did you get that?
96
00:04:32,941 --> 00:04:35,578
It was made
for me by NASA.
97
00:04:37,612 --> 00:04:41,416
National Association
of Soap Actresses.
98
00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:44,318
- Here, try it.
- Oh.
99
00:04:44,353 --> 00:04:47,088
That's it!
Skyhook!
100
00:04:47,122 --> 00:04:49,623
Oh, I've got to
get a message to Baron Davis.
101
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,892
The skyhook is what he needs
to up his game!
102
00:04:51,926 --> 00:04:54,560
I can arrange that.
I know people.
103
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,062
- Really?
- Well, of course.
104
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:58,464
I'm still Erica Kane.
105
00:04:58,498 --> 00:04:59,965
I mean, Susan Lucci.
106
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,203
Wait...No.
That's right, Susan Lucci.
107
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:07,606
Good morning!
Oh, wow, what's all this?
108
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,374
Oh, I just whipped up
some goodies
109
00:05:09,408 --> 00:05:12,644
to thank you all for talking
Victoria into letting me stay.
110
00:05:12,678 --> 00:05:15,513
Oh, that's very sweet,
but I only have a week
111
00:05:15,547 --> 00:05:19,751
to reach my bikini weight,
so I'll just sniff a grapefruit.
112
00:05:19,785 --> 00:05:22,521
Oh, sweetie,
I have a miracle supplement
113
00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,690
that'll make you lose
10 pounds by Saturday
114
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,259
no matter
how much you eat.
115
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:30,230
Those are the most beautiful
words I've ever heard!
116
00:05:30,265 --> 00:05:32,833
Before you ask me
how my date went last night,
117
00:05:32,867 --> 00:05:37,004
he cried all the way through
the Chipmunk movie.
118
00:05:41,943 --> 00:05:46,914
Here, sad sack,
have a muffin.
119
00:05:46,948 --> 00:05:50,484
I know a man
who'd be perfect for you.
120
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:53,320
He consulted on our
Doctors Without Borders episode,
121
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:55,188
and now he's with
the Cleveland clinic.
122
00:05:55,223 --> 00:05:56,656
What's the catch?
123
00:05:56,691 --> 00:05:58,858
Well, there is
one small thing.
124
00:05:58,893 --> 00:06:01,362
He won't be
a doctor forever.
125
00:06:01,396 --> 00:06:04,431
He has this crazy notion of
someday owning his own winery.
126
00:06:04,466 --> 00:06:06,600
How fast
can you call him?
127
00:06:06,635 --> 00:06:08,035
I can do it right now.
128
00:06:08,069 --> 00:06:10,037
And then I'll call
Baron Davis,
129
00:06:10,072 --> 00:06:11,472
and then I'll call
my nutritionist
130
00:06:11,506 --> 00:06:12,973
about that diet capsule.
131
00:06:13,008 --> 00:06:15,477
Where have you been
all our lives?
132
00:06:15,511 --> 00:06:18,513
Mostly?
Pine Valley.
133
00:06:21,317 --> 00:06:26,655
I'm gonna say it.
I like her better than Victoria.
134
00:06:26,689 --> 00:06:28,557
Elka, we can't
like her better.
135
00:06:28,591 --> 00:06:30,125
But we could
like her the same.
136
00:06:30,159 --> 00:06:31,827
Well, well, well.
137
00:06:32,061 --> 00:06:34,729
My so-called friends.
138
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,233
Usually, when I eavesdrop
from the back stairs
139
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:41,536
I get nothing,
but not today!
140
00:06:41,570 --> 00:06:43,805
Now, don't you see that
she's only being nice to you
141
00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:46,407
to further some evil plan
to destroy me?
142
00:06:46,442 --> 00:06:49,244
You know, it is possible
there is no evil plan.
143
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:52,380
Oh, please, this is
Susan Lucci we're talking about.
144
00:06:52,415 --> 00:06:55,717
Ugh! I have put up with
decades of abuse from her.
145
00:06:55,751 --> 00:06:58,286
You remember the year
that she snuck my picture
146
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:02,891
into the "In Memoriam"
section of the Emmys?
147
00:07:04,727 --> 00:07:08,563
Unlike you,
I intend to be vigilant.
148
00:07:08,597 --> 00:07:13,168
As God as my witness,
I will never be Lucci'd again.
149
00:07:13,202 --> 00:07:16,871
[Soap opera music]
150
00:07:16,905 --> 00:07:21,508
Oh, I got a voice-mail!
151
00:07:21,543 --> 00:07:24,444
Thank you so much,
she'll be thrilled.
152
00:07:24,479 --> 00:07:27,714
Oh!
Good morning, Victoria.
153
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,249
Don't you
look lovely today.
154
00:07:29,284 --> 00:07:32,385
Oh, you're good, Lucci.
155
00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,955
That almost sounded sincere.
156
00:07:34,989 --> 00:07:37,557
Like Erica Kane
when she impersonated a nun
157
00:07:37,592 --> 00:07:41,562
to avoid arrest
for the murder of Kent Bogard.
158
00:07:41,597 --> 00:07:43,697
Or maybe
you're just being paranoid,
159
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:46,100
like Honor St. Raven
when she thought her kitten
160
00:07:46,134 --> 00:07:48,870
was trying
to read her mind.
161
00:07:48,904 --> 00:07:51,539
But you forget
that they found a transmitter
162
00:07:51,574 --> 00:07:54,576
in Buttercup's brain,
163
00:07:54,611 --> 00:07:56,845
so I wasn't wrong then,
and I'm not wrong now.
164
00:07:56,879 --> 00:08:00,115
No, the real you
is just beneath the surface,
165
00:08:00,149 --> 00:08:03,986
barely concealed
by all that concealer.
166
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,755
This is
the real me, Victoria.
167
00:08:06,789 --> 00:08:07,922
The new me.
168
00:08:07,957 --> 00:08:10,559
All I want is a chance
to prove it to you,
169
00:08:10,593 --> 00:08:13,395
like Honor St. Raven
proved the existence
170
00:08:13,429 --> 00:08:15,831
of that whole
parallel universe.
171
00:08:15,866 --> 00:08:18,334
Well, in that universe,
as in this one,
172
00:08:18,369 --> 00:08:20,336
I have eyes
in the back of my head,
173
00:08:20,370 --> 00:08:24,974
and they
will be watching you.
174
00:08:28,479 --> 00:08:30,414
Excuse me, Elka?
175
00:08:31,148 --> 00:08:34,318
Baron Davis?
It's really you?
176
00:08:34,353 --> 00:08:36,020
Yeah, Susan sent me.
177
00:08:36,054 --> 00:08:37,989
I hear you're some kind of
sports whisperer?
178
00:08:38,023 --> 00:08:40,524
Yes.
179
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:42,660
Sit down.
180
00:08:42,694 --> 00:08:45,496
Look, you've got
some great skills.
181
00:08:45,530 --> 00:08:47,965
Well, thank you.
182
00:08:47,999 --> 00:08:53,003
I have an idea that can
take you to the next level.
183
00:08:54,205 --> 00:08:55,805
Um...
184
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,974
I think that's against
league regulations.
185
00:08:58,009 --> 00:08:59,142
No, no!
186
00:08:59,177 --> 00:09:02,779
I want you to bring back
Kareem's skyhook.
187
00:09:05,016 --> 00:09:07,785
No disrespect,
but Kareem's a legend.
188
00:09:07,819 --> 00:09:11,189
And the skyhook?
That's his trademark.
189
00:09:11,223 --> 00:09:13,124
Well,
now it can be yours!
190
00:09:13,159 --> 00:09:14,993
I have my own trademark.
191
00:09:15,028 --> 00:09:17,496
My beard has its own
Twitter following.
192
00:09:20,233 --> 00:09:23,001
Does your beard
have an endorsement deal
193
00:09:23,035 --> 00:09:25,669
or date a Kardashian?
194
00:09:26,204 --> 00:09:28,139
Give me that thing.
195
00:09:29,173 --> 00:09:32,242
You're gonna love Joy.
She's a leggy British bombshell.
196
00:09:32,276 --> 00:09:33,409
Really?
197
00:09:33,444 --> 00:09:35,711
When the escort service
said that Susan Lucci
198
00:09:35,746 --> 00:09:37,246
was hiring me
to seduce someone,
199
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,316
I just assumed it was some skank
you wanted to get even with.
200
00:09:40,850 --> 00:09:44,354
You're confusing me
with Erica Kane.
201
00:09:44,388 --> 00:09:45,855
I have only
the purest motivation.
202
00:09:45,890 --> 00:09:49,526
Just cash lovingly
exchanged for sex.
203
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:51,128
Only sex?
204
00:09:51,162 --> 00:09:53,064
You paid for the full
boyfriend experience.
205
00:09:53,098 --> 00:09:54,432
Oh, absolutely.
206
00:09:54,466 --> 00:09:57,269
I want her to know that men
can be decent and honest.
207
00:09:57,303 --> 00:09:59,938
Did you memorize
your fake backstory?
208
00:10:00,372 --> 00:10:02,741
Yes, I am a wine-loving,
commitment-seeking,
209
00:10:02,775 --> 00:10:06,445
- doctor without boundaries.
- Without borders.
210
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,415
Oh, there she is!
Joy, sweetie!
211
00:10:10,850 --> 00:10:13,185
Joy, this is
Dr. David Gethers.
212
00:10:13,219 --> 00:10:15,086
David,
this is Joy Scroggs.
213
00:10:15,121 --> 00:10:17,355
I hope I'm just
fashionably late.
214
00:10:17,390 --> 00:10:19,290
I'd say gorgeously late,
215
00:10:19,325 --> 00:10:20,792
and definitely
worth waiting for.
216
00:10:21,026 --> 00:10:24,763
Well, doctor, don't you have
a lovely bar-side manner.
217
00:10:25,298 --> 00:10:26,632
Oh, I just love a story
218
00:10:26,666 --> 00:10:29,569
that's guaranteed
to have a happy ending.
219
00:10:37,666 --> 00:10:38,800
Mmm.
220
00:10:38,834 --> 00:10:41,168
Damn it!
She's not running from the law,
221
00:10:41,203 --> 00:10:43,471
she doesn't need
an organ transplant,
222
00:10:43,506 --> 00:10:44,772
and it turns out
that all that stuff
223
00:10:44,807 --> 00:10:47,809
about her being in some
satanic cult was just a rumor
224
00:10:47,844 --> 00:10:51,380
that I'm now remembering
I started.
225
00:10:51,415 --> 00:10:53,883
People can change.
226
00:10:53,917 --> 00:10:56,319
Thanks to her supplement,
I've lost 5 pounds!
227
00:10:56,353 --> 00:10:59,689
I haven't been this happy
since the stomach flu of '94,
228
00:10:59,724 --> 00:11:01,124
when I dropped
two jean sizes
229
00:11:01,159 --> 00:11:03,827
in three wonderfully
horrifying days.
230
00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:09,199
Baron Davis skyhooked
the Cavs to another win!
231
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:12,335
I love Lucci!
232
00:11:14,405 --> 00:11:15,404
Wow.
233
00:11:15,438 --> 00:11:17,239
Someone's dressed
to say yes.
234
00:11:17,273 --> 00:11:21,142
I already said yes.
Last night.
235
00:11:21,177 --> 00:11:24,645
I've never been with a man
who's so eager to please.
236
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,882
"Is it better like this
or like this?
237
00:11:26,916 --> 00:11:29,084
Like this or like this?"
238
00:11:29,118 --> 00:11:32,354
It was like the porn version
of an eye exam.
239
00:11:34,256 --> 00:11:36,124
I'm off to meet him now.
240
00:11:36,658 --> 00:11:38,293
Hey, Elka and I
are gonna go
241
00:11:38,327 --> 00:11:39,861
for some big,
gooey cheeseburgers.
242
00:11:39,896 --> 00:11:42,631
- You want to join us?
- No, I can't eat.
243
00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:46,435
Lucci's the finger down
the throat of my happiness.
244
00:11:46,469 --> 00:11:47,670
Well, suit yourself.
245
00:11:47,704 --> 00:11:49,371
Hey, Elka, can you drive
so I can finish these?
246
00:11:49,405 --> 00:11:52,407
Oh, sure.
247
00:11:53,508 --> 00:11:55,976
- Victoria?
- [Gasps]
248
00:11:56,010 --> 00:11:59,412
How do you just
appear like that?
249
00:11:59,447 --> 00:12:02,048
Are you okay?
You seem a little tense.
250
00:12:02,082 --> 00:12:04,451
Well,
of course I'm tense.
251
00:12:04,485 --> 00:12:07,921
I know you're up to something,
and it's driving me crazy.
252
00:12:07,955 --> 00:12:10,558
It's like one of those movies
where the young ingenue
253
00:12:10,592 --> 00:12:15,030
suspects that the hideous crone
has a knife behind her back.
254
00:12:15,064 --> 00:12:16,165
Wait a minute!
255
00:12:16,199 --> 00:12:18,901
You do have something
behind your back!
256
00:12:18,935 --> 00:12:20,636
Oh, that means
that I'm the young ingenue.
257
00:12:20,670 --> 00:12:21,771
All right,
let me have that!
258
00:12:21,805 --> 00:12:23,706
No, stop! Stop!
259
00:12:23,740 --> 00:12:25,841
Ah! Ha-ha!
260
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:29,078
Oh...it's an exquisitely
crafted script cover
261
00:12:29,113 --> 00:12:30,913
with my name
embossed on it.
262
00:12:30,948 --> 00:12:34,717
It's your movie script.
I wanted to wrap it first.
263
00:12:34,752 --> 00:12:38,087
Oh.
264
00:12:38,122 --> 00:12:42,458
Victoria, I really am just
trying to be a better person.
265
00:12:42,492 --> 00:12:44,660
I know I have
a long way to go, but...
266
00:12:44,694 --> 00:12:46,763
Baby steps.
267
00:12:46,797 --> 00:12:47,997
Well, with those
little baby feet,
268
00:12:48,032 --> 00:12:51,635
what else could you take?
269
00:12:52,669 --> 00:12:55,105
Well, there is
a slight possibility
270
00:12:55,139 --> 00:12:57,341
that I may have
misjudged you.
271
00:12:57,375 --> 00:13:00,645
I really am here
because you're the only one
272
00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:03,515
who can understand
what I'm going through.
273
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:05,350
I suppose you're right.
274
00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:07,185
When you've lived
in that soap opera reality
275
00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:10,221
for as long as we have,
it's hard to get used to...
276
00:13:10,255 --> 00:13:12,023
Reality reality.
277
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:14,960
I don't like
reality reality.
278
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:17,829
It's too real.
279
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:20,965
It's tragic, really.
280
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,302
We're the last of
the truly great cultural icons.
281
00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:30,274
Without us, the world will be
a far less dramatic place.
282
00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:44,556
You'll find that this is
the hardest part of real life.
283
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:48,593
You can't naturally fade out
and go to commercial.
284
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,199
- Mmm.
- Oh, God, it's...
285
00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:54,267
Melanie?
286
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:57,237
[Mouth full]
Hey, Dr. kagen.
287
00:13:57,271 --> 00:13:59,672
When you came into my office,
you said you were fasting
288
00:13:59,707 --> 00:14:00,940
for some bathing suit trip.
289
00:14:00,975 --> 00:14:03,609
You're obviously
going with a one piece.
290
00:14:03,644 --> 00:14:06,379
No, actually,
the weight is falling off me!
291
00:14:06,414 --> 00:14:09,348
About that,
it's lucky I ran into you.
292
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,783
I just got
your test results.
293
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,952
You need to come into the office
first thing tomorrow morning.
294
00:14:12,987 --> 00:14:14,053
Why?
295
00:14:14,088 --> 00:14:15,721
Oh, my God.
Am--am I sick?
296
00:14:15,756 --> 00:14:16,989
Have you
been abroad lately?
297
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:17,990
No.
298
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:21,761
Eaten any rancid meat
off the ground?
299
00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:23,496
No, of course not.
300
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,331
I mean, I ate a pancake
that fell on the floor
301
00:14:25,366 --> 00:14:27,066
of the car, but it'd
just been detailed.
302
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:29,636
Melanie...
303
00:14:29,670 --> 00:14:32,105
- You have a tapeworm.
- Tapeworm?
304
00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:34,507
It's buried its hooks
in your intestinal wall.
305
00:14:34,542 --> 00:14:36,609
That's why
you're losing weight.
306
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:38,678
Well, how big is it?
307
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,780
They can grow
up to 50 feet.
308
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:45,918
We're gonna need
some more fries.
309
00:14:47,321 --> 00:14:49,255
Oh! Let me get that.
310
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,390
Unless you're one of
those men who's uncomfortable
311
00:14:51,425 --> 00:14:52,625
letting a woman pay.
312
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:55,461
No, I've made
my peace with that.
313
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:58,130
Cleveland vice.
You're both under arrest.
314
00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,432
For what?
315
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,367
Solicitation
and prostitution.
316
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,870
How dare you!
I am not a prostitute.
317
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:05,938
Of course not.
318
00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:07,506
Well, why do you
say it like that?
319
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,376
I mean, I could
be a prostitute.
320
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:14,112
Is it so unbelievable that a man
would pay to have sex with me?
321
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,681
Ma'am,
he's the prostitute.
322
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:17,882
[Laughs]
But he can't be.
323
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,884
He's so sweet and gentle,
324
00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:23,287
and all he cares about in bed
is if I'm happy.
325
00:15:23,321 --> 00:15:26,289
Ohh.
326
00:15:26,323 --> 00:15:30,559
I do want to open
a winery though.
327
00:15:30,593 --> 00:15:32,961
Melanie!
I've been Lucci'd!
328
00:15:32,996 --> 00:15:34,796
Me too!
She gave me a parasite!
329
00:15:34,831 --> 00:15:37,966
She gave me
a prostitute!
330
00:15:40,136 --> 00:15:43,839
Mommy,
you fired nanny Bridget?
331
00:15:43,874 --> 00:15:46,342
Yes, for helping you
hide that hideous puppy
332
00:15:46,376 --> 00:15:47,744
I told you to get rid of.
333
00:15:47,778 --> 00:15:50,947
But Rags
is my only friend.
334
00:15:50,982 --> 00:15:52,883
Oh, you're right,
Victoria.
335
00:15:52,917 --> 00:15:54,785
She's written you
like some kind of a monster,
336
00:15:54,819 --> 00:15:57,954
- which you are so not.
- Well, thank you.
337
00:15:57,989 --> 00:16:00,491
You know, maybe
Honor St. Raven and Erica Kane
338
00:16:00,525 --> 00:16:04,527
couldn't be friends,
but perhaps Victoria Chase
339
00:16:04,562 --> 00:16:05,928
and Susan Lucci can.
340
00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:07,163
[Door opens]
341
00:16:07,197 --> 00:16:09,398
You blow-dried
little bitch.
342
00:16:09,432 --> 00:16:12,033
I knew it!
What did she do?
343
00:16:12,068 --> 00:16:13,335
She gave me a tapeworm!
344
00:16:13,369 --> 00:16:14,402
I thought you said
you'd been taking
345
00:16:14,437 --> 00:16:16,537
- that supplement for years!
- I have!
346
00:16:16,572 --> 00:16:17,739
Look at me.
347
00:16:17,773 --> 00:16:20,876
At this point,
I'm more worm than woman.
348
00:16:21,910 --> 00:16:25,448
My perfect doctor
turned out to be a man-whore.
349
00:16:25,482 --> 00:16:28,251
Elka...
Are you mad at me too?
350
00:16:28,285 --> 00:16:31,388
Joy was arrested,
Melanie's wormy,
351
00:16:31,422 --> 00:16:32,556
the Cavs are winning.
352
00:16:32,590 --> 00:16:35,759
I'm good.
353
00:16:35,793 --> 00:16:37,961
I can't believe
I was this close
354
00:16:37,995 --> 00:16:39,195
to believing
that you had changed.
355
00:16:39,230 --> 00:16:41,698
How dare you
Lucci my friends!
356
00:16:41,732 --> 00:16:45,067
I wanted them to like me.
I gave them what they needed.
357
00:16:45,101 --> 00:16:47,670
Tapeworms
and prostitutes?
358
00:16:47,704 --> 00:16:49,905
How did you possibly
think this would end?
359
00:16:49,939 --> 00:16:51,440
I don't know.
360
00:16:51,474 --> 00:16:56,278
As Erica Kane, I never had
to think more than a week ahead.
361
00:16:56,312 --> 00:17:00,616
I've become
my own worst Nemesis.
362
00:17:00,650 --> 00:17:03,285
I'm my own evil twin.
363
00:17:04,688 --> 00:17:07,657
[Dramatic soap opera music]
364
00:17:07,691 --> 00:17:09,259
♪ ♪
365
00:17:09,293 --> 00:17:12,295
Hello?
366
00:17:12,330 --> 00:17:14,298
Baron!
367
00:17:14,332 --> 00:17:18,068
What do you mean
you're leaving the team?
368
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:21,705
I've been Lucci'd!
369
00:17:21,739 --> 00:17:23,306
[Sobbing]
370
00:17:23,841 --> 00:17:25,908
I called you
a cab to the airport.
371
00:17:25,943 --> 00:17:29,178
I'll send your American
girl-sized clothes along later.
372
00:17:33,017 --> 00:17:36,752
More fake tears?
You are a disgrace to NASA!
373
00:17:36,786 --> 00:17:38,654
Wait...
374
00:17:40,991 --> 00:17:42,458
Your nose
is actually running?
375
00:17:42,492 --> 00:17:44,693
Oh, my God,
those tears are real.
376
00:17:44,727 --> 00:17:45,994
[Muffled]
Don't look at me.
377
00:17:46,028 --> 00:17:48,229
Oh...
378
00:17:48,264 --> 00:17:50,397
There, there.
379
00:17:50,432 --> 00:17:54,801
Just keep it in.
Don't--don't let it out.
380
00:17:54,836 --> 00:17:57,170
When you play
a character for decades,
381
00:17:57,205 --> 00:17:59,840
it just becomes
a part of you.
382
00:17:59,874 --> 00:18:03,611
If I'm not Erica Kane Martin
Brent Cudahy Chandler Roy Roy
383
00:18:03,645 --> 00:18:06,913
Montgomery Montgomery
Marrick Marrick Montgomery,
384
00:18:06,948 --> 00:18:09,817
then who am I?
385
00:18:09,851 --> 00:18:11,718
I know what you mean.
386
00:18:11,753 --> 00:18:13,854
When I stopped playing
Honor St. Raven Von Klaus
387
00:18:13,888 --> 00:18:18,659
Yokomoto [Clicks tongue]
St. Raven, I felt lost.
388
00:18:18,694 --> 00:18:21,796
- It's just awful, isn't it?
- It's the worst.
389
00:18:21,831 --> 00:18:23,665
You know,
it's been three years for me,
390
00:18:23,699 --> 00:18:25,966
and I still
miss it every day.
391
00:18:26,001 --> 00:18:29,537
But you've totally
reinvented yourself.
392
00:18:29,571 --> 00:18:32,373
That's why I came here.
To see how you did it.
393
00:18:32,407 --> 00:18:35,743
That was your evil plan?
To be like me?
394
00:18:35,777 --> 00:18:37,445
Yes.
You have a news show,
395
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,248
commercials, now you're
playing yourself in a movie.
396
00:18:40,282 --> 00:18:42,484
N-no, but that took
time and perseverance
397
00:18:42,518 --> 00:18:44,552
to restart my career.
398
00:18:44,586 --> 00:18:46,888
And this movie
may very well end it again.
399
00:18:46,922 --> 00:18:49,724
So tell the producers
that if they don't make you
400
00:18:49,759 --> 00:18:52,528
more sympathetic,
you'll walk.
401
00:18:52,562 --> 00:18:54,696
There's no movie
without you.
402
00:18:54,730 --> 00:18:58,833
This is a star vehicle,
and you are the star.
403
00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:02,570
I see another Emmy award
in your future.
404
00:19:02,605 --> 00:19:05,173
Thank you, Susan.
405
00:19:05,208 --> 00:19:09,044
I am not doing this movie until
it is completely rewritten.
406
00:19:09,078 --> 00:19:12,380
Oh, this is wonderful.
407
00:19:12,414 --> 00:19:14,682
How about we really try
to be friends?
408
00:19:15,216 --> 00:19:17,152
Okay.
409
00:19:17,987 --> 00:19:20,823
Uh...Just to be sure,
410
00:19:20,857 --> 00:19:23,760
you're not smiling evilly
off into the distance right now,
411
00:19:23,794 --> 00:19:24,861
are you?
412
00:19:24,895 --> 00:19:28,532
Oh, Victoria.
This is real life.
413
00:19:28,566 --> 00:19:31,568
Oh.
414
00:19:34,615 --> 00:19:37,350
Mommy,
you fired nanny Bridget?
415
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,687
Yes, for helping you
hide that hideous puppy
416
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:42,355
I told you to get rid of.
417
00:19:42,889 --> 00:19:45,657
But Rags
is my only friend.
418
00:19:45,691 --> 00:19:47,992
How many times
do I have to tell you?
419
00:19:48,027 --> 00:19:51,663
No more
wire hair Terriers!
420
00:19:51,697 --> 00:19:54,666
[Evil music]
421
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:55,967
♪ ♪
422
00:19:56,001 --> 00:19:57,102
Mommy Monstrous,
423
00:19:57,136 --> 00:19:59,471
starring Susan Luccias Victoria Chase,
424
00:19:59,505 --> 00:20:01,874
will return after these--
425
00:20:01,908 --> 00:20:06,212
She really captures you.
426
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,780
Oh,
I can't believe it.
427
00:20:07,814 --> 00:20:09,749
This was
her evil plan all along,
428
00:20:09,783 --> 00:20:12,251
to study me
and steal my part.
429
00:20:12,286 --> 00:20:14,520
I swallowed a worm.
430
00:20:15,254 --> 00:20:16,655
When they ask
at the blood bank
431
00:20:16,689 --> 00:20:18,790
if I've ever had sex
with a prostitute,
432
00:20:18,824 --> 00:20:23,227
I have to say yes now.
433
00:20:23,261 --> 00:20:25,393
There, there, Joy.
434
00:20:25,394 --> 00:20:29,393
Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
435
00:20:29,443 --> 00:20:33,993
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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