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1
00:00:00,804 --> 00:00:03,672
Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,706 --> 00:00:04,807
Oh.
3
00:00:05,341 --> 00:00:07,342
Do you think I should put
on another sweater?
4
00:00:07,876 --> 00:00:10,630
- I'm wearing five.
- Five?
5
00:00:10,664 --> 00:00:14,336
I'm like a Russian doll
up in here.
6
00:00:14,370 --> 00:00:16,968
I have got
a fantastic announcement.
7
00:00:17,003 --> 00:00:18,934
Now that I'm a gay celebrity,
8
00:00:18,968 --> 00:00:22,836
I've been invited to give a talk
on an exclusive lesbian cruise
9
00:00:22,870 --> 00:00:25,705
to the Caribbean.
10
00:00:25,739 --> 00:00:26,972
How's the food?
11
00:00:27,007 --> 00:00:28,074
Well, how would I know?
12
00:00:28,108 --> 00:00:30,648
I don't even know
how the food is here.
13
00:00:30,683 --> 00:00:33,187
Are you one of those people
that goes crazy for cruise food?
14
00:00:33,221 --> 00:00:37,294
I've been on six cruises.
Never seen the ocean.
15
00:00:39,764 --> 00:00:41,800
Oh, who cares about food?
16
00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:44,436
The most powerful gay women
in Hollywood will be listening
17
00:00:44,470 --> 00:00:47,506
as I share my inspiring story
18
00:00:47,540 --> 00:00:52,613
of falling in love
and marrying Joy.
19
00:00:52,648 --> 00:00:54,582
But it's all a lie.
20
00:00:54,617 --> 00:00:56,851
You know, a story doesn't have
to be true to be inspiring.
21
00:00:56,885 --> 00:01:00,954
I mean, Titanic proved that.
22
00:01:00,988 --> 00:01:03,190
My car got stuck
in a snowdrift.
23
00:01:03,224 --> 00:01:05,892
So? There's always some guy
that'll help us get it out.
24
00:01:05,926 --> 00:01:07,928
And there was.
And he was cute.
25
00:01:07,963 --> 00:01:09,598
And he asked me out.
26
00:01:09,632 --> 00:01:12,968
But I had to say no
because I'm married to you.
27
00:01:13,002 --> 00:01:15,039
I want a divorce.
28
00:01:15,073 --> 00:01:18,676
And you shall have one after
I have squeezed every last drop
29
00:01:18,710 --> 00:01:21,514
of advantage
out of this marriage.
30
00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,050
And to say thank you,
31
00:01:23,085 --> 00:01:25,624
I am taking you
on a Caribbean cruise.
32
00:01:27,658 --> 00:01:29,560
Really?
33
00:01:29,594 --> 00:01:34,499
'Cause I've heard cruises
are great places to meet men.
34
00:01:34,534 --> 00:01:36,636
They often are,
35
00:01:36,671 --> 00:01:38,071
but this one is gay,
36
00:01:38,106 --> 00:01:41,777
and they want us to talk about
how happy we are.
37
00:01:41,811 --> 00:01:45,015
No, no.
We agreed no more functions.
38
00:01:45,049 --> 00:01:46,750
This is a function.
39
00:01:46,785 --> 00:01:49,721
A floating function
for which there is no escape.
40
00:01:49,756 --> 00:01:52,725
Okay, I can't believe
that I'm saying this,
41
00:01:52,759 --> 00:01:54,227
but...
42
00:02:01,237 --> 00:02:04,841
The Doucette Freres?
Really?
43
00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:06,142
What is it?
44
00:02:06,177 --> 00:02:09,545
Only the greatest handbag that
civilization has ever produced.
45
00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:12,548
Oh, leather as soft
as a baby's bottom
46
00:02:12,583 --> 00:02:16,452
and twice as useful.
47
00:02:16,486 --> 00:02:18,687
Crafted in a small town
of Saint-Amedee
48
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,857
by a single family
with tiny hands.
49
00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:25,160
The result of mercury poisoning
in the local river.
50
00:02:25,194 --> 00:02:26,461
When they cleaned up
that river,
51
00:02:26,496 --> 00:02:30,800
that was the end
of Doucette Freres.
52
00:02:30,835 --> 00:02:32,903
Okay.
I'll do it.
53
00:02:32,938 --> 00:02:33,905
For the bag.
54
00:02:33,939 --> 00:02:35,273
- All right.
- Great.
55
00:02:35,307 --> 00:02:37,743
Welcome aboard.
Well, who said you could go?
56
00:02:37,777 --> 00:02:42,949
Well, I could stay home,
call the press and out you.
57
00:02:42,983 --> 00:02:45,084
Are you willing to be gay?
58
00:02:45,118 --> 00:02:47,053
I'm gay for heat.
59
00:02:51,993 --> 00:02:55,096
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
60
00:02:55,130 --> 00:02:56,297
♪ Ba ba ba ba ♪
61
00:02:56,331 --> 00:02:57,866
[Cruise ship horn blares]
62
00:02:57,900 --> 00:02:59,901
♪ ♪
63
00:02:59,936 --> 00:03:01,341
♪ Hey ♪
64
00:03:05,375 --> 00:03:08,845
[Gasps] Oh, look.
They highlighted my talk.
65
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,814
"A journey to Joy:
66
00:03:10,848 --> 00:03:15,186
My sexual awakening at the hands
of a middle-aged lesbian."
67
00:03:15,220 --> 00:03:18,289
Oh, God.
I need to see the bag again.
68
00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:19,226
Oh.
69
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:24,863
No, no. Mustn't expose it
to the sea air.
70
00:03:24,897 --> 00:03:29,734
I've had two meals already.
We haven't even left port.
71
00:03:29,769 --> 00:03:33,138
And I had port.
72
00:03:33,173 --> 00:03:35,174
Is this a muumuu?
73
00:03:35,208 --> 00:03:37,209
It's a cruise muumuu.
74
00:03:37,244 --> 00:03:40,179
The most forgiving
of all the muumuus.
75
00:03:40,213 --> 00:03:42,014
It's huge.
76
00:03:42,049 --> 00:03:43,449
Well, now.
77
00:03:43,483 --> 00:03:45,355
In six days,
it'll be skintight.
78
00:03:49,390 --> 00:03:51,892
Hello, ladies.
Welcome aboard.
79
00:03:51,926 --> 00:03:54,261
I'm Captain Lebeau.
80
00:03:54,296 --> 00:03:55,696
And you must be
Victoria Chase.
81
00:03:55,731 --> 00:03:57,765
Indeed I am.
[Laughs]
82
00:03:57,799 --> 00:03:59,936
- And your friends?
- Who?
83
00:04:01,970 --> 00:04:06,240
Oh, uh, yes.
This is, uh, Melanie, Elka,
84
00:04:06,275 --> 00:04:10,278
and of course,
my lovely wife, Joy.
85
00:04:10,312 --> 00:04:12,080
Enchante.
86
00:04:12,114 --> 00:04:17,619
Aren't you a charming,
charming, charming man.
87
00:04:17,653 --> 00:04:20,155
I try.
I'll see all of you later.
88
00:04:20,189 --> 00:04:22,190
- Yes, yes.
- I certainly hope so.
89
00:04:22,225 --> 00:04:24,860
I'll be in touch.
90
00:04:24,894 --> 00:04:29,297
Way to be gay, guys.
91
00:04:29,332 --> 00:04:30,665
All right, well,
if we can't have a man,
92
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:32,267
we can at least
have Manhattans.
93
00:04:32,301 --> 00:04:34,469
Go fetch us some drinks.
94
00:04:37,974 --> 00:04:39,975
Melanie?
95
00:04:41,010 --> 00:04:41,944
Caroline.
96
00:04:41,978 --> 00:04:44,283
Oh, my God.
That's my sister.
97
00:04:47,317 --> 00:04:49,218
I can't believe this.
98
00:04:49,252 --> 00:04:51,020
I didn't even know
you were gay.
99
00:04:51,054 --> 00:04:55,124
This is blowing my mind.
We're both gay.
100
00:04:56,793 --> 00:04:58,194
[Stammering]
Yeah. Right.
101
00:04:58,228 --> 00:05:00,663
Because why else would
we be on a gay cruise?
102
00:05:00,697 --> 00:05:04,002
Caroline, baby.
Mommy's thirsty.
103
00:05:06,536 --> 00:05:08,003
Melanie, this is
my girlfriend, Nan.
104
00:05:08,038 --> 00:05:10,206
Nan, this is my sister,
Melanie. She's gay.
105
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,441
[Laughs]
Yeah, and she's gay.
106
00:05:12,476 --> 00:05:16,014
If she isn't, I owe her
an apology for last night.
107
00:05:18,049 --> 00:05:20,383
Melanie, we have so much
to talk about.
108
00:05:20,417 --> 00:05:22,985
So much time to make up for.
109
00:05:23,019 --> 00:05:25,154
We finally have
something in common.
110
00:05:25,188 --> 00:05:28,056
This changes everything!
111
00:05:30,192 --> 00:05:33,228
[Knocking at door]
112
00:05:33,262 --> 00:05:34,896
Captain Lebeau.
113
00:05:34,931 --> 00:05:36,898
What an unexpected pleasure.
114
00:05:36,932 --> 00:05:39,501
I try.
115
00:05:39,535 --> 00:05:41,503
I want to invite
both of you to dine with me
116
00:05:41,537 --> 00:05:42,770
at the captain's table
tonight.
117
00:05:42,804 --> 00:05:44,171
Of course.
What time?
118
00:05:44,206 --> 00:05:45,139
2100 hours?
119
00:05:45,173 --> 00:05:48,142
From now?
120
00:05:48,176 --> 00:05:49,612
No.
121
00:05:52,146 --> 00:05:54,581
No.
2100 is military time.
122
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:57,250
It is the same as
two bells on the first watch.
123
00:05:57,284 --> 00:06:00,786
Well, that clarifies
it handsomely.
124
00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:02,120
Victoria,
I need to talk to you.
125
00:06:02,155 --> 00:06:03,755
- What, now?
- Yes, please.
126
00:06:03,789 --> 00:06:07,860
Oh, all right.
I--I'll be right back.
127
00:06:10,998 --> 00:06:13,065
So, it is just us.
128
00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:14,434
Oui.
129
00:06:14,468 --> 00:06:18,171
Sorry.
Just--just we.
130
00:06:23,077 --> 00:06:25,412
Captain, if I told you
something personal,
131
00:06:25,446 --> 00:06:27,114
in strictest confidence--
132
00:06:27,148 --> 00:06:30,016
It would be protected
by captain-passenger privilege.
133
00:06:30,051 --> 00:06:33,219
I've heard of it.
134
00:06:33,253 --> 00:06:35,354
The thing is...
135
00:06:35,389 --> 00:06:38,457
I'm not gay.
136
00:06:38,491 --> 00:06:41,293
I sensed that.
137
00:06:41,727 --> 00:06:44,796
I'm trying to make you
sense that.
138
00:06:44,831 --> 00:06:46,533
You've done it
successfully.
139
00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:51,872
There's something else
I'd like to do successfully.
140
00:06:53,406 --> 00:06:54,940
But not now.
141
00:06:54,975 --> 00:06:58,510
Oh.
142
00:06:58,545 --> 00:07:01,113
Come back later, when Victoria
is getting a massage.
143
00:07:01,147 --> 00:07:04,216
So neither of you knew
the other one was gay?
144
00:07:04,251 --> 00:07:07,353
I'm not gay.
145
00:07:07,387 --> 00:07:09,488
But I don't want to blow this
chance to connect with her,
146
00:07:09,522 --> 00:07:12,890
and I'm afraid if she finds out
it's a lie, she'll hate me.
147
00:07:12,925 --> 00:07:15,226
Well, for now, build trust
with your sister,
148
00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:19,363
get her to like you, and then
tell her it was all a lie.
149
00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:20,664
What should I say?
150
00:07:20,699 --> 00:07:22,266
I mean, what if she asks
if I have a girlfriend?
151
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:24,035
Well, tell her you do.
152
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:26,905
Well, who would I get to
pretend to be my girlfriend?
153
00:07:36,982 --> 00:07:40,418
You're not really my type.
154
00:07:44,358 --> 00:07:46,526
Victoria, I just want
to say good-bye.
155
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,094
I will see you tonight
at dinner.
156
00:07:48,129 --> 00:07:50,630
I'll see you out.
157
00:07:50,664 --> 00:07:55,034
Uh, Joy? Melanie needs
some gay advice.
158
00:07:55,068 --> 00:07:56,669
Well, why can't
you help her?
159
00:07:56,703 --> 00:07:59,672
Well, you're a little
gayer than I am.
160
00:07:59,707 --> 00:08:02,008
She really,
really needs you.
161
00:08:02,043 --> 00:08:05,414
I'll see you later, Captain.
[Giggles]
162
00:08:07,449 --> 00:08:12,219
So, it is just we.
163
00:08:12,254 --> 00:08:14,489
I sense something about you.
164
00:08:14,523 --> 00:08:15,590
You're not gay.
165
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,559
How dare you!
166
00:08:17,593 --> 00:08:21,363
Oh.
167
00:08:21,398 --> 00:08:24,201
Don't worry, little bird.
Your secret is safe.
168
00:08:24,235 --> 00:08:28,004
Protected by
captain-passenger privilege.
169
00:08:28,039 --> 00:08:30,407
I've heard of it.
170
00:08:30,441 --> 00:08:32,608
Perhaps you swing both ways.
171
00:08:32,643 --> 00:08:37,379
Hmm, perhaps I swing one way
and then toward you.
172
00:08:39,349 --> 00:08:41,683
Perhaps, you would like
to swing by my cabin later.
173
00:08:41,717 --> 00:08:43,621
Perhaps I'd like that
very much.
174
00:08:47,156 --> 00:08:50,225
Shall we say 1700 hours?
175
00:08:50,259 --> 00:08:52,094
1700 hours.
176
00:08:55,698 --> 00:09:00,035
[Whimpering]
When is that?
177
00:09:03,014 --> 00:09:04,781
Can't believe the two of you
grew up in the same house,
178
00:09:04,815 --> 00:09:06,782
and you didn't know
the other one was gay.
179
00:09:07,017 --> 00:09:08,417
I had no clue.
180
00:09:08,451 --> 00:09:09,920
I had a few.
181
00:09:12,354 --> 00:09:13,455
You did?
182
00:09:13,489 --> 00:09:15,657
Oh, your dates--they were
always so uncomfortable
183
00:09:15,691 --> 00:09:16,758
around you.
184
00:09:16,792 --> 00:09:18,059
No, they weren't.
185
00:09:18,094 --> 00:09:19,928
I was really good
at passing for straight.
186
00:09:19,962 --> 00:09:22,830
And didn't you play trumpet
in marching band?
187
00:09:22,864 --> 00:09:23,998
Doesn't mean anything.
188
00:09:24,032 --> 00:09:27,334
Yeah, right.
189
00:09:27,368 --> 00:09:29,536
I can't wait to meet
your girlfriend.
190
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:30,972
[Laughs]
191
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,509
Hi, lover.
192
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,780
Hi...Lover.
193
00:09:39,814 --> 00:09:41,815
Elka, this is my sister,
Caroline,
194
00:09:41,850 --> 00:09:42,983
and her girlfriend, Nan.
195
00:09:43,018 --> 00:09:48,022
And this is my Elka.
196
00:09:48,056 --> 00:09:52,294
Wow. I have
so many questions.
197
00:09:54,197 --> 00:09:56,767
I'm rich.
198
00:09:58,801 --> 00:10:01,103
No more questions.
199
00:10:01,137 --> 00:10:05,674
Plus, the sex
is amazing.
200
00:10:11,613 --> 00:10:12,580
[Woman over P.A.]
Attention.
201
00:10:12,614 --> 00:10:15,215
In ten minutes,
we'll be closing the shrimp bar.
202
00:10:15,249 --> 00:10:17,517
Oh, damn, baby.
I gotta hit that.
203
00:10:21,823 --> 00:10:23,557
[Chuckles]
204
00:10:23,592 --> 00:10:25,560
Yeah, well, okay, you know,
she's older,
205
00:10:25,594 --> 00:10:28,463
but it's kind of like
a May-December sort of thing.
206
00:10:28,498 --> 00:10:32,834
More like, May-May
the following year.
207
00:10:32,869 --> 00:10:35,537
But they're happy,
and that's what matters.
208
00:10:35,572 --> 00:10:38,941
Or maybe what matters is that
our glasses are empty.
209
00:10:38,975 --> 00:10:42,678
Okay, I'll get us
another round.
210
00:10:42,712 --> 00:10:45,881
Hey, I say we get
a little plastered,
211
00:10:45,915 --> 00:10:47,816
and drunk dial mom and dad
and tell them
212
00:10:47,851 --> 00:10:48,851
both their daughters are gay.
213
00:10:48,885 --> 00:10:49,885
Think about it.
214
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:55,557
[Forced laugh]
215
00:10:55,591 --> 00:10:58,993
So are you really happy
with Elka?
216
00:10:59,028 --> 00:11:00,862
Oh, yeah, for sure.
217
00:11:00,896 --> 00:11:03,064
'Cause after all those years
of settling for a man,
218
00:11:03,098 --> 00:11:05,199
you shouldn't have
to settle again.
219
00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:07,837
Well, you know, I wouldn't
call it "settling."
220
00:11:08,871 --> 00:11:11,272
So pretty.
221
00:11:11,307 --> 00:11:15,376
If you were my woman, I'd never
leave you for a shrimp bar.
222
00:11:19,315 --> 00:11:23,084
Okay.
223
00:11:23,119 --> 00:11:26,188
Ahoy, Captain.
224
00:11:26,222 --> 00:11:27,756
Oh, thank God you're here.
225
00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:29,157
Caroline's girlfriend
just hit on me.
226
00:11:29,192 --> 00:11:30,959
Hit on me--
I need a plan.
227
00:11:30,993 --> 00:11:32,193
Just tell your sister
the truth.
228
00:11:32,227 --> 00:11:34,629
She'll understand.
Now off you go.
229
00:11:34,663 --> 00:11:36,898
I know, but what if she hates
me for pretending to be gay?
230
00:11:36,932 --> 00:11:38,266
I don't want it
to separate us again.
231
00:11:38,301 --> 00:11:40,135
That's why you have
to tell her now
232
00:11:40,169 --> 00:11:41,736
before it gets out of hand.
233
00:11:41,771 --> 00:11:43,271
Good?
Good.
234
00:11:43,305 --> 00:11:44,906
Okay, thanks, Joy.
You're a really good friend.
235
00:11:44,940 --> 00:11:47,542
Yeah, yeah.
236
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:48,543
[Knocking at door]
237
00:11:53,916 --> 00:11:55,984
Ahoy, Captain.
238
00:12:00,690 --> 00:12:02,223
Oh, your beard is so rough.
239
00:12:02,258 --> 00:12:03,958
- Should I shave?
- No.
240
00:12:03,993 --> 00:12:06,596
I like it rough.
241
00:12:07,930 --> 00:12:10,532
Joy, are you in there?
I forgot my key.
242
00:12:10,566 --> 00:12:12,836
Damn!
In there, quick.
243
00:12:19,842 --> 00:12:21,175
Here you are.
244
00:12:21,209 --> 00:12:22,710
Now off you go before
you miss your massage.
245
00:12:22,744 --> 00:12:24,645
Yeah, I think I did miss it.
246
00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:27,681
I just can't figure out this
whole nautical time thing.
247
00:12:27,715 --> 00:12:31,050
And then Elka ran into me and
spilled chocolate ranch dressing
248
00:12:31,085 --> 00:12:32,318
all over my blouse.
249
00:12:32,353 --> 00:12:34,420
- So now I have to rinse it out.
- No!
250
00:12:42,931 --> 00:12:44,699
Everything rinsing properly?
251
00:12:44,733 --> 00:12:48,837
Yeah, I'll be out
in a second.
252
00:12:48,871 --> 00:12:50,038
[Gasps]
253
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:54,576
What are you doing here?
Are--
254
00:12:54,610 --> 00:12:56,377
- I couldn't wait to see you
so I snuck in.
255
00:12:56,412 --> 00:12:58,146
When I heard your wife coming,
I hid.
256
00:12:58,180 --> 00:13:00,014
So you broke into my cabin,
257
00:13:00,049 --> 00:13:02,150
and now you're hiding
in my shower?
258
00:13:02,184 --> 00:13:05,553
In a less sexy man,
that would be creepy.
259
00:13:05,587 --> 00:13:07,755
You have to get
rid of your wife.
260
00:13:07,789 --> 00:13:08,989
I'll meet you later.
261
00:13:09,024 --> 00:13:09,990
Fine.
What time?
262
00:13:10,025 --> 00:13:11,759
Six bells on the dog watch?
263
00:13:11,793 --> 00:13:12,926
- When?
- 1900 hours?
264
00:13:12,961 --> 00:13:14,395
What?
265
00:13:14,429 --> 00:13:17,931
Just find me later.
I'll make time.
266
00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:19,833
[Moaning]
267
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:22,169
[Sighs]
268
00:13:31,214 --> 00:13:33,415
There.
That felt good.
269
00:13:33,449 --> 00:13:37,786
You know,
to get the stain out.
270
00:13:37,821 --> 00:13:39,154
Now to your massage?
271
00:13:39,189 --> 00:13:40,322
Oh, I have an idea.
272
00:13:40,356 --> 00:13:41,890
Um, why don't you take mine?
273
00:13:41,925 --> 00:13:43,092
Oh, I'm good.
274
00:13:43,626 --> 00:13:46,395
Maybe you could do
another activity?
275
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:47,830
Pottery might take
a long time.
276
00:13:47,865 --> 00:13:50,133
Or, or you could do
an activity.
277
00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:51,367
Or we could do one together.
278
00:13:51,401 --> 00:13:53,102
Oh, great.
279
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:57,006
Let's both go do some
gay activity together.
280
00:13:57,041 --> 00:13:59,642
[Chuckles]
281
00:13:59,677 --> 00:14:01,277
Oh, uh, hold the elevator.
282
00:14:01,312 --> 00:14:03,349
I just want to
get my earrings.
283
00:14:07,886 --> 00:14:08,853
Did she see you?
284
00:14:08,887 --> 00:14:10,221
Of course not.
285
00:14:10,256 --> 00:14:11,456
[Sighs in relief]
Let's meet again, later.
286
00:14:11,490 --> 00:14:12,958
Eight bells
on the dog watch?
287
00:14:12,992 --> 00:14:14,059
Is that at the front
of the boat?
288
00:14:14,093 --> 00:14:17,695
Just find me.
289
00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:31,173
Oh, Captain Lebeau.
290
00:14:31,208 --> 00:14:32,441
What are you doing here?
291
00:14:32,476 --> 00:14:36,245
Oh, executive captain
turn-down service.
292
00:14:36,779 --> 00:14:38,217
I've heard of it.
293
00:14:41,251 --> 00:14:45,756
Do you think, maybe, you could
do something like that for me?
294
00:14:48,893 --> 00:14:50,563
Um, I'm so sorry.
295
00:14:52,598 --> 00:14:56,168
I really have to
draw the line somewhere.
296
00:15:00,206 --> 00:15:01,974
You're straight.
297
00:15:06,638 --> 00:15:08,105
I can explain.
298
00:15:08,139 --> 00:15:09,906
What's to explain?
You're not gay.
299
00:15:09,941 --> 00:15:11,208
Can't believe you would lie
to me like that.
300
00:15:11,242 --> 00:15:12,443
No, no.
Don't go.
301
00:15:12,477 --> 00:15:14,445
I--I had to lie
to get on this cruise,
302
00:15:14,479 --> 00:15:18,148
but then, when I saw how happy
you were, I kept it up,
303
00:15:18,182 --> 00:15:20,717
because, well,
you were so happy.
304
00:15:20,752 --> 00:15:23,820
Because I thought we finally
had something in common.
305
00:15:23,855 --> 00:15:25,922
We do!
We grew up in the same house.
306
00:15:25,956 --> 00:15:27,456
We had the same
crazy parents.
307
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:29,491
I always wanted
to be closer to you,
308
00:15:29,526 --> 00:15:31,994
but you'd never
let me in.
309
00:15:32,028 --> 00:15:33,361
Why didn't you tell me
you were gay?
310
00:15:33,396 --> 00:15:35,463
Oh, you wouldn't
understand.
311
00:15:35,797 --> 00:15:36,868
Try me.
[Sighs]
312
00:15:40,902 --> 00:15:42,936
When you're a kid,
and you realize you're gay,
313
00:15:42,971 --> 00:15:44,772
you automatically
have a secret,
314
00:15:44,806 --> 00:15:47,444
and that makes you feel
different from everyone else.
315
00:15:50,478 --> 00:15:54,781
And it's even harder when your
sister is "little miss angel."
316
00:15:54,815 --> 00:15:57,518
I did not ask mom
to make me that mug.
317
00:16:00,988 --> 00:16:05,058
My mug said, "would it
kill you to wear a dress?"
318
00:16:07,695 --> 00:16:09,029
I'm sorry.
319
00:16:09,063 --> 00:16:10,330
It must have been
really hard.
320
00:16:10,364 --> 00:16:11,497
Yeah, it was.
321
00:16:11,532 --> 00:16:12,765
And it would have been
really nice
322
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:13,833
to be able to talk
to you about it.
323
00:16:13,867 --> 00:16:15,601
And you could have.
324
00:16:15,636 --> 00:16:17,637
But I didn't know that.
325
00:16:17,671 --> 00:16:19,739
And maybe I was scared.
326
00:16:19,773 --> 00:16:21,073
Scared of what?
327
00:16:21,108 --> 00:16:23,075
Scared you'd think
I was weird.
328
00:16:23,109 --> 00:16:24,443
Scared that you'd tell
mom and dad.
329
00:16:24,477 --> 00:16:26,578
You know they would freak.
330
00:16:26,613 --> 00:16:28,347
So I just put up this wall,
331
00:16:28,381 --> 00:16:30,752
and then I got used to living
behind the wall.
332
00:16:33,987 --> 00:16:35,254
Well, for the record,
333
00:16:35,288 --> 00:16:37,523
I wouldn't have thought
you were weird.
334
00:16:37,557 --> 00:16:40,659
And I never would have told
mom and dad.
335
00:16:40,693 --> 00:16:42,127
Well, unless mom gave me
that look,
336
00:16:42,162 --> 00:16:44,930
and I would have spilled
everything.
337
00:16:44,965 --> 00:16:48,100
You are a spiller.
338
00:16:48,134 --> 00:16:49,634
And then I wouldn't
have been able to have
339
00:16:49,669 --> 00:16:51,770
sleepovers
with my girlfriends.
340
00:16:57,644 --> 00:16:59,111
- Julie Barnett?
- Oh, yeah.
341
00:16:59,146 --> 00:17:03,181
- You scored a cheerleader!
- [Laughs]
342
00:17:03,216 --> 00:17:05,885
Wow.
343
00:17:05,919 --> 00:17:08,287
I always wanted this.
344
00:17:08,321 --> 00:17:10,789
Me too.
345
00:17:10,823 --> 00:17:11,923
So what do you say?
346
00:17:11,957 --> 00:17:13,624
New beginnings?
347
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:16,160
Sure.
348
00:17:16,195 --> 00:17:17,962
So what do you think of Nan?
349
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:20,732
Oh, yeah. She's good,
she's great.
350
00:17:20,766 --> 00:17:21,733
Super fun.
351
00:17:21,768 --> 00:17:23,234
'Cause I'm thinking
of breaking up with her.
352
00:17:23,268 --> 00:17:24,905
Dump her.
Dump her now.
353
00:17:27,939 --> 00:17:29,539
So how did Nan take it?
354
00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:33,209
Well, she's mad at me,
but it's really weird.
355
00:17:33,244 --> 00:17:35,344
She kept saying how she hoped
356
00:17:35,378 --> 00:17:37,346
the two of you could
still be friends.
357
00:17:43,387 --> 00:17:44,888
[Woman over p.A.]
Ladies and ladies,
358
00:17:44,922 --> 00:17:46,323
take your seats.
359
00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:48,926
Victoria Chase's talk,
"A journey to Joy:
360
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:53,232
My sexual awakening at the hands
of a middle-aged lesbian."
361
00:17:53,266 --> 00:17:56,668
Doucette Freres, Doucette
Freres, Doucette Freres.
362
00:17:56,703 --> 00:17:58,203
Joy, what's wrong
with your face?
363
00:17:58,238 --> 00:17:59,205
It's all red.
364
00:17:59,239 --> 00:18:00,773
No, it isn't!
Is it?
365
00:18:00,807 --> 00:18:02,808
It looks scoured.
366
00:18:02,843 --> 00:18:05,177
Is that beard burn?
367
00:18:05,212 --> 00:18:08,616
Joy, got a little captain
in you?
368
00:18:10,651 --> 00:18:12,151
What?
He turned me down!
369
00:18:12,185 --> 00:18:13,118
Is it really that bad?
370
00:18:13,153 --> 00:18:14,653
I tried to cover it up.
371
00:18:14,687 --> 00:18:16,657
I better go and put on
some more makeup.
372
00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:23,662
Victoria, we're supposed
to be out there.
373
00:18:23,696 --> 00:18:25,897
Oh, I was just applying
a little more makeup.
374
00:18:25,932 --> 00:18:27,132
Why are you covering
your chin?
375
00:18:27,166 --> 00:18:30,368
I'm...
Thinking deep thoughts.
376
00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:31,970
Why are you covering
your chin?
377
00:18:32,005 --> 00:18:35,139
I was thinking, "why is she
thinking deep thoughts?"
378
00:18:35,174 --> 00:18:37,708
- You've been with the captain.
- You've been with the captain.
379
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:39,477
I couldn't take it anymore.
What's your excuse?
380
00:18:39,511 --> 00:18:41,478
Oh, he tricked me
with his good looks.
381
00:18:41,513 --> 00:18:42,846
I can't believe
he played us both.
382
00:18:42,881 --> 00:18:44,181
Oh, I can't believe it,
either.
383
00:18:44,216 --> 00:18:45,850
You know, if I were you,
384
00:18:45,884 --> 00:18:47,451
I would just avoid him
for the rest of the trip.
385
00:18:47,486 --> 00:18:48,853
You just want him
for yourself!
386
00:18:48,887 --> 00:18:50,754
Yeah, well, I need him more
than you do.
387
00:18:50,789 --> 00:18:52,256
[On speaker]
The strain of pretending
388
00:18:52,290 --> 00:18:54,992
to be a celebrity lesbian
is exhausting.
389
00:18:55,026 --> 00:18:57,661
[Chuckles]
390
00:18:57,696 --> 00:18:59,396
My phone, my phone!
391
00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:01,098
Especially being
the femme one.
392
00:19:01,133 --> 00:19:02,333
But I'm the femme one.
393
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:04,001
Oh, please.
With those hands?
394
00:19:04,035 --> 00:19:06,737
These hands were the ones
that opened you up sexually,
395
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:09,373
according to that bogus talk
you're about to give.
396
00:19:09,408 --> 00:19:12,376
[Cell phone vibrating]
397
00:19:12,410 --> 00:19:14,111
"Your mic is on.
398
00:19:14,145 --> 00:19:19,850
The L-Words can hear
everything."
399
00:19:19,884 --> 00:19:21,285
Oh, baby girl.
400
00:19:21,319 --> 00:19:23,053
Why don't you
come on over here,
401
00:19:23,087 --> 00:19:25,656
and let mama give you
some sugar, huh?
402
00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:28,692
Do you know any lesbians?
403
00:19:32,611 --> 00:19:33,911
All right, all right.
Fine, fine.
404
00:19:33,945 --> 00:19:36,246
It's over.
I am not gay.
405
00:19:36,981 --> 00:19:39,750
I was just trying
to jump-start my career.
406
00:19:39,784 --> 00:19:42,552
And while all of your cameras
are rolling,
407
00:19:42,587 --> 00:19:46,523
I-I would like to apologize
to everyone here.
408
00:19:46,558 --> 00:19:49,460
And to those who have been
deceived,
409
00:19:49,495 --> 00:19:54,466
in this whole misguided fake
gay marriage escapade,
410
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:59,639
and especially to my dear friend
and soon to be ex-wife, Joy.
411
00:19:59,673 --> 00:20:01,407
You know,
of all my ex-spouses,
412
00:20:01,441 --> 00:20:04,676
you truly are the most
supportive and understanding.
413
00:20:04,711 --> 00:20:06,911
I'm still keeping
the Doucette Freres.
414
00:20:06,946 --> 00:20:08,779
Over my dead body!
415
00:20:08,814 --> 00:20:10,348
I'll see you in court!
416
00:20:10,382 --> 00:20:12,082
You know, this marriage
was never consummated,
417
00:20:12,117 --> 00:20:15,118
so you are gonna get nothing
and like it.
418
00:20:17,655 --> 00:20:19,890
[Faint arguing]
419
00:20:19,924 --> 00:20:22,026
You know, there's
a maritime superstition
420
00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:23,461
that it's bad luck for a captain
421
00:20:23,462 --> 00:20:25,261
to romance just
two women on a ship.
422
00:20:25,962 --> 00:20:27,161
It's called the rule of three.
423
00:20:27,862 --> 00:20:29,161
And I have hear of it.
424
00:20:29,162 --> 00:20:34,161
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
425
00:20:34,211 --> 00:20:38,761
Repair and Synchronization by
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