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1
00:00:00,551 --> 00:00:03,992
Joy: "Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,551 --> 00:00:05,992
Victoria: Nooooooo!!!!
3
00:00:07,051 --> 00:00:08,992
- What's going on?
- Wha.. what happend?
4
00:00:09,351 --> 00:00:10,692
I gained a pound.
5
00:00:10,751 --> 00:00:12,192
[Joy Gasp]
Oh my God.
6
00:00:12,251 --> 00:00:13,992
So you gained a pound.
7
00:00:14,651 --> 00:00:15,992
There's more coming.
8
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,852
You're Clevelanders now.
9
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:21,821
She's right.
It's happening.
10
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,123
My body is going native.
11
00:00:24,157 --> 00:00:27,059
Ugh, you eat deep-fried Oreo
on a dare
12
00:00:27,094 --> 00:00:28,160
and the next thing
you know,
13
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,929
you're on that slippery,
buttery slope
14
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:33,332
to an elastic waistband.
15
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,034
No!
16
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:36,035
I've gained a pound too!
17
00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:37,870
Oh, good.
I'm not alone.
18
00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:39,605
Well, you don't have
to sound so happy.
19
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,540
Well, I'm on an emotional
roller coaster.
20
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:42,608
You understand.
21
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:45,311
You're porky like me.
22
00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:46,979
Uh-uh.
I'm not going near that thing.
23
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:49,115
Last week, I went to
an Italian street fair
24
00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,617
and I had a cannoli
inside a zeppoli
25
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,552
inside a stromboli.
26
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:56,222
It was their version
of a turducken.
27
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,990
Oh, please.
28
00:00:58,025 --> 00:01:00,293
The average woman could eat
your combined weight
29
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:03,062
in cheese fries.
30
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:04,864
You know, if we were
in Los Angeles,
31
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,499
this would be so easy.
32
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:09,235
All we would have to do is go
dance off the extra pounds.
33
00:01:09,269 --> 00:01:11,904
But we can't do that here
because we don't have our GBFFs.
34
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:13,072
Your what?
35
00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:14,740
G-B-F-Fs.
36
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:17,410
Gay best friends forever.
37
00:01:17,444 --> 00:01:20,146
In L.A., every woman
has one to go shopping with
38
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:21,414
and dancing with.
39
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:24,283
Watch the Oscars
pre-show with.
40
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:27,453
These are
the gays of our lives.
41
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:29,955
Well, you can still dance
with straight men.
42
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,023
[Scoffs]
43
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,391
Dancing with
a straight man
44
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,193
is like putting
a hat on your dog.
45
00:01:34,227 --> 00:01:38,964
It's fun, but you know
he hates it.
46
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:41,133
Now I really miss Jeffrey.
47
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,002
Oh, and I miss Vladimir.
48
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:47,807
I miss Daniel
and Rodney and Charles.
49
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,642
I can't hold on to my gays.
50
00:01:50,676 --> 00:01:53,813
Shocker.
51
00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:55,614
You know what we need
to do?
52
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,516
Go out and find
Cleveland GBFFs.
53
00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:00,052
I would love to find
a Cleveland Jeffrey.
54
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:01,987
Someone who knows all
the latest fashions
55
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,924
and then tells me which ones
I'm too old to pull off.
56
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,192
Someone who can call me "bitch"
57
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:10,596
and make it feel like a hug.
58
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:13,632
Let's do this.
59
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,667
No, wait.
60
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,502
Is there even a gay part
of Cleveland?
61
00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:17,770
Of course.
62
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,438
It's down where
the auto shops
63
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,942
have all been turned
into cute cafes.
64
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:26,545
And one art gallery
I do not recommend.
65
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:31,117
I love this.
66
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,152
You know, when you go out
with straight men,
67
00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:34,220
you have to create
the illusion
68
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,122
that you're not wearing
any makeup.
69
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:40,359
But for a gay club, you can
just slap it on with a trowel.
70
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,328
They are gonna go crazy
for us.
71
00:02:42,362 --> 00:02:45,831
We are so not gonna
get laid tonight.
72
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:58,511
You three look ridiculous.
73
00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:11,123
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
74
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,391
Ugh.
75
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:15,094
It's a sea
of product-free hair
76
00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:16,328
and the game is on.
77
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,897
Are we sure this
is a gay bar?
78
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,566
You're Victoria Chase.
79
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,502
It's a gay bar.
80
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,271
Well, hello, new friend.
81
00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:26,806
I'm glad I saw you before
the others
82
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,107
started to swarm.
83
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,508
May I get you a drink?
84
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,243
That would be lovely.
85
00:03:31,278 --> 00:03:32,244
Let me think.
86
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,280
A Bellini,
'cause the peach
87
00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:36,182
will match your complexion
88
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:40,186
and the champagne will sparkle
like your eyes.
89
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,522
I'm intoxicated already.
90
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,024
Oh.
91
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,193
Young, Latin, adoring.
92
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,362
Could he be any more my type?
93
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:52,231
Mmm, yeah, don't forget,
we're here to find GBFFs, not lovers.
94
00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:55,367
I know,
but he's just so attractive.
95
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:58,537
A part of me wishes that I could
be a man for one night
96
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:01,607
and have him look
into my eyes and want me
97
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:05,644
the way that only a man
can want another man.
98
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,414
I think we're getting into
a weird area here.
99
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:09,982
Well, I can't help it.
100
00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:13,118
I mean, look at those arms
and shoulders.
101
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:16,789
Nice buns too.
102
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:17,890
What?
103
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,959
It's the name of the bar.
104
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:23,496
Oh.
105
00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,231
Well, Victoria's
got her target,
106
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,133
but what about us?
107
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,569
I think that loser
drinking alone
108
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,605
looks like your type.
109
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:34,306
Oh, thank you, Elka.
110
00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:35,741
I mean, I know you meant that
as an insult,
111
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:37,843
but he's perfect.
112
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,278
I've always chosen
the popular
113
00:04:39,312 --> 00:04:42,681
and charismatic gays
and they've always left me.
114
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,351
But a stray gay,
I'll befriend him.
115
00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:47,987
He'll be so grateful.
He'll never leave me.
116
00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:50,923
Okay, you've got
your fawning Latin.
117
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:54,560
You have your stray you're gonna
lock in a shed out back.
118
00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:56,629
But I don't see anybody here
for me.
119
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:57,630
I mean, they all look straight.
120
00:04:57,664 --> 00:04:58,664
They're all wearing plaid.
121
00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,900
And not ironic plaid.
122
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,969
Not even lesbian plaid.
123
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:07,473
Elka?
124
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:09,441
Elka Ostrovsky?
125
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:13,479
Lydia Dombrowski?
126
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:16,649
Oh!
127
00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:18,684
Elka, what are you doing?
128
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:21,687
She had that coming.
129
00:05:25,026 --> 00:05:27,093
Elka, why did you hit her?
130
00:05:27,128 --> 00:05:28,428
Who is she?
131
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,930
Lydia was my best friend...
132
00:05:30,965 --> 00:05:33,767
Until the camping trip when
she slept with my husband.
133
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,735
I didn't do that, Elka.
134
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,437
And I didn't punch
your face
135
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:42,809
in order to hear it
talk me.
136
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,145
Bob and I were
in the sleeping bag
137
00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:47,113
because I had frostbite
and he was trying
138
00:05:47,148 --> 00:05:48,214
to keep me warm.
139
00:05:48,249 --> 00:05:49,716
Liar.
140
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:50,950
If you don't believe that,
141
00:05:50,985 --> 00:05:52,652
then believe my three toes.
142
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:53,887
- Oh, jeez.
- Ugh.
143
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,855
No.
144
00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:58,224
One went to market,
one stayed home,
145
00:05:58,259 --> 00:06:01,261
one had roast beef,
and the last two
146
00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:04,297
got black and fell off.
147
00:06:05,331 --> 00:06:07,567
So the story Bob
told me.
148
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,035
Was true.
149
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,303
Mm-hmm.
150
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:13,339
I burned all his baseball
cards for nothing.
151
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,341
You burned baseball cards?
152
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:16,509
See?
153
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:19,512
This is the least-gay
gay bar ever.
154
00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:22,015
Oh, Lydia, I'm so sorry.
155
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,783
Oh, honey.
156
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,585
- Can I buy you a drink?
- No.
157
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,886
Let me get you one.
158
00:06:26,921 --> 00:06:28,054
I own this place.
159
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:29,989
Really?
A gay bar?
160
00:06:30,024 --> 00:06:33,426
Initially, nice buns
was a bakery
161
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:35,695
and then it was a gym
and then it was a gay gym
162
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,597
and now it's a gay bar.
163
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:40,099
Maybe someday it'll
be a gay bakery.
164
00:06:40,134 --> 00:06:42,569
No, that's down the street.
165
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:46,940
Pie-curious.
166
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:48,708
Ugh.
167
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,977
Old people sex talk,
missing toes.
168
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,612
I need something beautiful
to look at.
169
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,180
Where's my Leandro?
170
00:06:54,215 --> 00:06:55,949
Ah, there he is.
171
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,283
Don't fall in love.
172
00:06:57,318 --> 00:06:59,654
Eh, might be too late.
173
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:04,190
Would you be okay
if I go get my stray?
174
00:07:04,225 --> 00:07:05,592
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
175
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,327
I'll just keep scouting.
Ooh!
176
00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:10,463
Possible designer jacket
headed this way.
177
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:12,866
Hi.
Armani?
178
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,335
No.
Joe.
179
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,137
No, whose jacket
are you wearing?
180
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,440
Mine.
181
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:24,677
Yeah, keep walking.
182
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,079
Excuse me.
183
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,047
- Is this seat taken?
- Never.
184
00:07:28,082 --> 00:07:29,749
So you're not expecting
a date
185
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,351
or a straight gal pal?
186
00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:33,319
Nope, I'm completely alone.
187
00:07:33,354 --> 00:07:35,955
Delightful.
188
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:40,193
I can't get over
how smooth your skin is.
189
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,428
Mmm, and I yours.
190
00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:45,164
I know we just met,
but I have to say it.
191
00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:46,833
I'm very attracted to you.
192
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:49,335
You are?
Really?
193
00:07:49,370 --> 00:07:50,470
But--but aren't you--
194
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:53,106
Ah, don't be coy,
Victoria Chase.
195
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:56,142
So charming.
Such presence.
196
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,211
You're gonna win for sure.
197
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,046
Excuse me?
198
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:04,117
The celebrity
drag queen contest.
199
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:11,124
I just saw the other contestants
backstage getting ready
200
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,359
and none of the Marilyn monroes
can hold
201
00:08:13,394 --> 00:08:16,029
a candle in the wind to you.
202
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,464
- So you think that I'm--
203
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:24,304
The most beautiful man
I ever seen.
204
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:29,175
Bottoms up.
205
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,879
All right.
206
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,585
So he thinks you're
a drag queen?
207
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,187
Well, at first
I was insulted,
208
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:44,190
but then I realized it's
just all this extra makeup.
209
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,559
Look, I'll admit that
it's unconventional,
210
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:49,395
but we really made
a connection.
211
00:08:49,430 --> 00:08:50,964
And honestly,
if you don't bring up
212
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,231
the fact that you're
not a man
213
00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:53,800
in the first five minutes
of conversation,
214
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:57,804
it is so hard to swing it
back around.
215
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,505
To review...
216
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:01,374
You're with a man who thinks
you're a man
217
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,709
pretending to be a woman.
218
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,243
Yes.
219
00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:09,415
I am Victor Victoria Chase.
220
00:09:09,450 --> 00:09:11,117
Honey, I know you don't
like to think
221
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,152
two steps ahead,
but in this case,
222
00:09:13,187 --> 00:09:16,122
just one step might lead you
to question what you're doing.
223
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,323
Well, I don't know.
224
00:09:17,358 --> 00:09:19,726
Every relationship requires
some acting.
225
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:24,130
And in this case,
some props.
226
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:28,501
How are you even
pulling this off?
227
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:29,836
I mean, how are you
explaining your voice?
228
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,704
I told him it
was naturally high
229
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,007
because of my unusually
long neck.
230
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:38,277
You should see how gently
he touches my Adam's apple.
231
00:09:38,312 --> 00:09:39,712
You don't have
an Adam's apple.
232
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:41,414
Well, that's what Leandro
loves about it.
233
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,249
That it's not there.
234
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:46,152
Well, then he's really gonna
love your penis.
235
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,091
Okay, I have a few ideas
about that.
236
00:09:52,126 --> 00:09:55,194
Yeah, uh, please don't share.
237
00:09:55,229 --> 00:09:56,696
Where are the other
drag queens?
238
00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,931
Oh, Leandro says they're
backstage prepping.
239
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,099
- Oh.
- Oh, look.
240
00:10:00,134 --> 00:10:03,102
Here are a few now.
241
00:10:03,137 --> 00:10:05,038
I don't know if
I should be supportive,
242
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:07,240
but I think you're gonna
win this contest.
243
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,008
Matthew and I will vote
for you.
244
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:10,143
Matthew?
245
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,711
Oh, your lonely boy.
246
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,112
- Yes.
- Oh.
247
00:10:13,147 --> 00:10:14,280
He's perfect.
248
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:16,182
He's never been
a GBFF before.
249
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,985
I get to train him
to be everything I want.
250
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,120
It's the ultimate
female fantasy.
251
00:10:21,155 --> 00:10:24,223
When you don't have
to use sex as a reward.
252
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,592
It's a shame we lost
so many years.
253
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,195
All our friends had
to pick sides.
254
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:30,863
How's Esther?
255
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,532
Oh, funny,
pretty Esther?
256
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:33,533
Uh-huh.
257
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:36,235
Dead.
258
00:10:36,270 --> 00:10:37,937
You hear from Marty?
259
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,639
Moved to Florida.
260
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,175
Same as dead.
261
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,409
Charles?
262
00:10:43,444 --> 00:10:45,945
Following the dead.
263
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,047
So the dead
are still together?
264
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:50,983
All except Jerry Garcia.
265
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:52,919
Dead.
266
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:55,588
To the dead.
267
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:58,257
So you have
no opinion whatsoever
268
00:10:58,292 --> 00:10:59,459
about whether
a woman my age
269
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:00,760
should wear over-the-knee
boots?
270
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:03,863
You mean like for fishing?
271
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:06,265
This place sucks.
272
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:10,570
So, how exactly does this
whole GBFF thing work?
273
00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:15,241
Have you not seen Rupert
Everett in...anything?
274
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:18,010
We go dancing together,
we go to clubs,
275
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,379
we get to be each other's
plus one at weddings--
276
00:11:20,414 --> 00:11:22,548
unless, of course, one of us
hooks up with a groomsman.
277
00:11:22,583 --> 00:11:24,450
Oh, I never hook up.
278
00:11:24,485 --> 00:11:27,720
I know! We're gonna
have so much fun.
279
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:30,123
We'll go shopping,
we'll gossip.
280
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,024
I'll tell you what's wrong with
the way you look.
281
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,759
You'll tell me what's wrong
with the way I look.
282
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:35,261
You can make me look better
than this?
283
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,930
[Laughs]
284
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:40,933
Oh, you weren't joking.
285
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:44,270
Rome has all the architecture
d the history.
286
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:47,173
Yes, but London has all that
and the theatre.
287
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,142
But if we're talking most
beautiful,
288
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:51,144
it would have to be--
289
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:54,046
both: Positano.
290
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,582
Wouldn't it be great
if we were on my boat right now,
291
00:11:56,617 --> 00:11:58,351
sailing to Capri?
292
00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,385
Yes.
293
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,220
You stretched out
in the sun...
294
00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:02,555
Yes.
295
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:07,827
In your skin-tight speedo.
296
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:10,396
Leaving nothing
to the imagination.
297
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:14,600
Oh, let's not rule out
imagination.
298
00:12:14,635 --> 00:12:16,035
Would you excuse me
for just a moment?
299
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,070
I'm gonna to pop into
the ladies room.
300
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,972
Oh, I admire your commitment
to your character,
301
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,475
but they will never allow a man
into the ladies' room.
302
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:23,576
I'll take you
to the men's room.
303
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,646
Follow me.
304
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,414
He's taking me
to the men's room.
305
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:29,415
What should I do?
306
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,185
One word: Stall.
307
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:35,221
I can't stall.
I've really gotta pee.
308
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,694
Is that a signed photo
of John Glenn?
309
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:45,198
Oh, yeah, he could never get
enough of the cream puffs...
310
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:50,136
When this was a bakery.
311
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:53,105
Hey, that's a picture of you
and my husband
312
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,473
on our camping trip.
313
00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:59,579
I was in that picture.
How come you cut me out?
314
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:03,549
Uh, you want to see
my toes again?
315
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:14,594
[Laughs]
316
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:18,364
Remember, no peeking.
317
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,132
Zzzip.
318
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,147
[Gasps]
319
00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:35,882
Matthew!
You look fabulous.
320
00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,450
Thanks to my GBFF, Joy.
321
00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:41,254
No, you're my GBFF.
Oh, you'll get the hang of it.
322
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,289
I thought tomorrow night,
we could go dancing.
323
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:43,823
Love it.
324
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,425
There's a lot of great clubs
downtown
325
00:13:45,459 --> 00:13:47,060
or there's this one place
in the flats.
326
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,862
Or...
327
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,197
Is that guy
checking me out?
328
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:52,865
No, I don't think so.
329
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,567
You were saying.
Great club. Us.
330
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,703
He is totally
checking me out.
331
00:13:56,737 --> 00:13:58,371
Well, then you should play
hard to get.
332
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:02,976
Don't even look--
and he's gone.
333
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,344
Story of my life.
334
00:14:04,378 --> 00:14:08,381
Always a beard trimmer,
never a beard.
335
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:10,416
Ooh, how did it go?
336
00:14:10,451 --> 00:14:11,684
Well,
if there were an Emmy
337
00:14:11,719 --> 00:14:13,252
for outstanding performance
in a men's room,
338
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:15,521
I would have won it.
339
00:14:15,556 --> 00:14:16,990
He still doesn't know?
340
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,558
Well, if he did,
would he have invited me
341
00:14:18,592 --> 00:14:21,194
to go dancing
after the contest tonight?
342
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:25,331
Dancing.
You're a lucky man.
343
00:14:25,366 --> 00:14:29,168
You expect me to believe
that John Glenn begged you
344
00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:32,305
to cut my picture out so he
could look at it in space?
345
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:34,540
You were very fetching
back then.
346
00:14:34,575 --> 00:14:36,743
And until
Bill Clinton was president,
347
00:14:36,777 --> 00:14:39,479
there was no porn in space.
348
00:14:39,513 --> 00:14:42,115
Let's get drunk.
349
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,188
Oh, hey. That's
a great picture, isn't it?
350
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:50,256
Did you know my dad?
351
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:53,760
- Your dad?
- Mm-hmm.
352
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,329
[Clatter]
353
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:57,630
Mom, are you okay?
354
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,599
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Go get a mop.
355
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:02,668
The good one from home.
356
00:15:02,703 --> 00:15:03,803
I'll just get one
from the back.
357
00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:06,172
I'll be right back.
358
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:07,507
What's going on?
359
00:15:07,541 --> 00:15:10,510
This three-toed liar
slept with my husband
360
00:15:10,544 --> 00:15:12,045
and they had a son!
361
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,113
- Wow.
- Oh, my!
362
00:15:14,148 --> 00:15:15,615
Oh, I'm sorry, Elka.
363
00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:19,152
It was just one time, and we
hated ourselves for it.
364
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:22,755
Not as much as I hate you
right now.
365
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:26,125
I can't believe Bob had a son
and never told me.
366
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,628
Well, he didn't know. And
Elliot doesn't know either.
367
00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:31,030
And I'm begging you
not to tell him.
368
00:15:31,065 --> 00:15:32,665
What does your son know?
369
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:35,868
I told him his father died
in a lumberjack accident.
370
00:15:35,903 --> 00:15:37,437
A lumberjack accident?
371
00:15:37,471 --> 00:15:39,038
I was a single mother
372
00:15:39,073 --> 00:15:42,442
and I wanted him to have
a strong male role model,
373
00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:46,779
and the brawny paper towels
were sitting right there.
374
00:15:46,814 --> 00:15:48,614
I'm going to tell him
the truth.
375
00:15:48,649 --> 00:15:50,116
Oh, no,
you'll crush him.
376
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,952
Oh, well, there's a lot
of that going around.
377
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,153
Let us talk to her.
378
00:15:54,188 --> 00:15:56,489
Oh, thank you.
379
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,325
Elka, listen,
I know you're in shock.
380
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,827
It's completely
understandable,
381
00:16:00,861 --> 00:16:03,229
but do you really want to
hurt some innocent guy
382
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,298
just to get revenge
on his mother?
383
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:08,568
Yes.
384
00:16:08,602 --> 00:16:11,270
I have some experience
with revenge, Elka.
385
00:16:11,305 --> 00:16:13,539
It's never as satisfying
as you hope,
386
00:16:13,574 --> 00:16:17,076
and the police always come
sooner than you expect.
387
00:16:17,111 --> 00:16:19,846
Just think about
what you're doing.
388
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,280
And that
coming from someone
389
00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:23,049
who hates to think about
what's she's doing.
390
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,318
Mom, what is going on
with you?
391
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,153
I'm not gonna leave
till I clean up this mess.
392
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,323
No, this is my mess.
I'll clean it up.
393
00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:31,591
No, I will.
394
00:16:31,625 --> 00:16:34,060
The rest of you can go.
395
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:37,530
I said go!
396
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,066
What's going on
with my mother?
397
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:43,938
Oh, well, I can tell you
something about your mother.
398
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:49,375
You didn't get
those eyes from her.
399
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,879
You look so much
like your father.
400
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:55,448
- Are you a lefty?
- Yes.
401
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:58,584
Are you allergic to mustard
but you can't stop eating it?
402
00:16:58,619 --> 00:17:00,419
Oh, yeah.
I swell up at every ball game.
403
00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:01,454
How did you know that?
404
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:04,123
And when you hear
a military band,
405
00:17:04,158 --> 00:17:06,058
do you get
goosebumps all over?
406
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:08,628
Yes. Every time.
407
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:13,299
Your father
would've liked that.
408
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,467
Wait,
she's touching him.
409
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:15,835
Is that a good thing
or a bad thing?
410
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:19,105
Stop talking or I'll never be
able to read their lips.
411
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:23,276
The cumulus toothpaste
is plexi-glass.
412
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:25,278
You're very good at that.
413
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:26,612
Thank you.
414
00:17:26,647 --> 00:17:30,082
Wow, that, uh, that
was some camping trip
415
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,651
you guys went on.
416
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:33,419
You told him about
the camping trip?
417
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:37,456
Just how great it was to
have a lumberjack with us.
418
00:17:37,491 --> 00:17:38,591
Thank you, Elka.
419
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:40,226
It sounds like dad
was quite the catch.
420
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,460
It's a good thing Elka
421
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,763
was dating John Glenn
at the time.
422
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:46,365
Elka dated John Glenn.
423
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,468
Would you stop?
You're the worst at this.
424
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:52,071
Victoria, the contest
is about to start
425
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,640
in case you need to do
any last minute shaving.
426
00:17:54,675 --> 00:17:57,476
Oh, no need.
Electrolysis.
427
00:17:57,511 --> 00:18:01,247
Ouch. You are a strong man,
Victoria Chase.
428
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,449
I'll see you
in a minute.
429
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,084
Isn't he fabulous?
430
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:09,222
And he's so attentive
to my theoretical needs.
431
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,090
Did you tell him?
432
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:12,325
No.
433
00:18:12,609 --> 00:18:13,926
Are you okay?
434
00:18:13,961 --> 00:18:16,796
I'm in shock
and it hurts.
435
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,498
I could use something
to get my mind off it.
436
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,668
Well, Victoria's
about to compete
437
00:18:22,703 --> 00:18:25,137
in a celebrity drag queen
contest as a man
438
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:28,074
in order to impress a gay man
she's fallen in love with
439
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,609
who doesn't know
she's not a man.
440
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,011
That'll work.
441
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,349
Let's find out
our lucky winner.
442
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,084
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
443
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:39,785
All right.
444
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:43,155
Second runner up is
Liza Minnelli.
445
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,156
[Cheers and applause]
446
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,925
You did it.
447
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:47,727
Great job, Liza.
448
00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:48,894
All right, step back.
449
00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:50,696
The moment we've all
been waiting for.
450
00:18:50,731 --> 00:18:55,968
The winner of this year's
celebrity drag pageant is...
451
00:18:56,003 --> 00:18:57,603
Susan Lucci!
452
00:18:58,038 --> 00:18:59,872
Yes!
453
00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:03,776
Noooooo!
454
00:19:05,627 --> 00:19:08,161
It was sweet of you guys
to get these pies for me.
455
00:19:08,195 --> 00:19:09,729
But what about
your extra pound?
456
00:19:09,763 --> 00:19:15,068
Mmm, there are no calories
if you're consoling a friend.
457
00:19:15,102 --> 00:19:17,303
So do you think you're ever
going to see Elliot again?
458
00:19:17,338 --> 00:19:20,340
I'd like to. Eventually.
459
00:19:20,374 --> 00:19:23,810
It was nice looking into
my husband's eyes again.
460
00:19:23,844 --> 00:19:25,945
[Text chime]
461
00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:28,281
Oh, it's Leandro...
462
00:19:28,315 --> 00:19:31,951
Apologizing for leaving me
for Susan Lucci.
463
00:19:32,486 --> 00:19:33,419
I just don't get it.
464
00:19:33,454 --> 00:19:36,189
I mean, what does she have
that I don't have?
465
00:19:36,223 --> 00:19:40,026
Oh, yeah. That.
466
00:19:40,060 --> 00:19:41,361
Should we try
the lemon meringue?
467
00:19:41,395 --> 00:19:45,198
No. The guys at pie-curious
were right.
468
00:19:45,532 --> 00:19:48,234
Once you go BlackBerry...
469
00:19:49,234 --> 00:19:56,144
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
470
00:19:57,144 --> 00:19:59,278
Well, I know these calories
don't count,
471
00:19:59,313 --> 00:20:03,116
but I just need to know.
472
00:20:03,150 --> 00:20:05,485
Aah! I lost a pound.
473
00:20:05,519 --> 00:20:10,056
I turned the scale back.
474
00:20:10,090 --> 00:20:13,659
In Cleveland,
we call that a diet.
475
00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:18,259
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