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1
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Hot in Cleveland is recorded
2
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:04,094
in front of a live
studio audience.
3
00:00:05,243 --> 00:00:07,538
Oh, good, Joy, you're here.
4
00:00:07,573 --> 00:00:09,804
Would you mind
helping me for a second?
5
00:00:09,838 --> 00:00:12,003
Sure.
What do you want?
6
00:00:12,037 --> 00:00:13,904
Just raise your hand.
7
00:00:13,938 --> 00:00:15,937
Like you're
the Statue of Liberty.
8
00:00:17,538 --> 00:00:18,906
Perfect.
9
00:00:18,940 --> 00:00:21,238
Attack!
10
00:00:21,272 --> 00:00:22,573
Elka!
11
00:00:22,607 --> 00:00:23,811
What's going on?
12
00:00:23,845 --> 00:00:25,249
She's trying to get dummy
to attack me.
13
00:00:25,283 --> 00:00:27,458
[laughs] Oh, that's not
his name anymore.
14
00:00:27,492 --> 00:00:28,792
It's Chance.
15
00:00:28,826 --> 00:00:30,394
Elka thought the name dummy
was holding him back.
16
00:00:30,428 --> 00:00:33,503
Why are you training him
to attack people?
17
00:00:33,537 --> 00:00:35,045
For church.
18
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,580
Attendance has been down,
19
00:00:39,615 --> 00:00:41,152
so the pastor came up
with this great idea
20
00:00:41,186 --> 00:00:42,724
to get people in the pews.
21
00:00:42,758 --> 00:00:44,526
Bible stories
told through pets.
22
00:00:44,561 --> 00:00:46,963
Chance is auditioning
for David
23
00:00:46,997 --> 00:00:49,970
in "David and goliath."
24
00:00:50,004 --> 00:00:51,505
If you can't jump,
25
00:00:51,539 --> 00:00:54,308
they're just gonna make you
another sheep in the manger.
26
00:00:54,343 --> 00:00:55,910
Oh, give it up.
27
00:00:55,944 --> 00:00:57,111
You can't even get him to sit.
28
00:00:57,145 --> 00:00:59,514
Yes, I can.
29
00:00:59,549 --> 00:01:00,683
Sit.
30
00:01:00,717 --> 00:01:01,851
Sit.
31
00:01:04,556 --> 00:01:08,494
In the kitchen!
Good boy!
32
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Start measuring him for wool.
33
00:01:13,134 --> 00:01:14,301
Hi, guys.
34
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:15,904
Yeah, I was just thinking.
35
00:01:15,938 --> 00:01:18,206
Isn't it great
that we're the kind of friends
36
00:01:18,241 --> 00:01:19,908
who can tell each other
anything?
37
00:01:19,942 --> 00:01:22,344
You know, without any judgment
or recriminations.
38
00:01:22,378 --> 00:01:25,447
Just love and...
Forgiveness.
39
00:01:25,481 --> 00:01:28,149
Which one of us
should be nervous right now?
40
00:01:28,184 --> 00:01:30,619
Nobody, nobody.
[Chuckles]
41
00:01:30,653 --> 00:01:32,420
What's going on?
42
00:01:32,454 --> 00:01:34,589
Well, this is the weirdest
little story.
43
00:01:34,623 --> 00:01:36,824
Uh, but ten years ago,
44
00:01:36,858 --> 00:01:38,726
I was having
a particularly bad day.
45
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,527
You know, the kind of day
that can only be cured
46
00:01:40,562 --> 00:01:43,297
with drinking and fan mail.
47
00:01:43,331 --> 00:01:46,302
And I happened upon
this eloquently-written letter
48
00:01:46,336 --> 00:01:48,538
from a gentleman
in a correctional facility.
49
00:01:48,572 --> 00:01:50,141
Well, he was such
an earnest fan,
50
00:01:50,175 --> 00:01:51,476
I had to write him back.
51
00:01:51,510 --> 00:01:53,478
You wrote to a prisoner?
52
00:01:53,512 --> 00:01:57,283
Well, Gary prefers the term
"incarcerated American."
53
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:01,421
But of course,
I wasn't reckless enough
54
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,655
to use my own name.
55
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,290
What name did you use?
56
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,092
Well, this is the second
little wrinkle in the story
57
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,560
which, Joy, I think you
are gonna find
58
00:02:07,594 --> 00:02:09,295
particularly funny.
59
00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,030
You used my name?
60
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,831
I pretended
you were my assistant.
61
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,967
Why would you do that?
62
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:18,537
Joy would make
a terrible assistant.
63
00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:20,339
Well, I figured it was safe.
64
00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:21,706
I mean, there wasn't a chance
65
00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:22,874
they were gonna parole this guy
66
00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:25,778
on account of his...
Violent history.
67
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,615
Violent...
What violent history?
68
00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:31,986
Oh, something about
body parts and...Chopping.
69
00:02:32,020 --> 00:02:35,023
Um, I kind of skimmed
over the segments
70
00:02:35,057 --> 00:02:37,392
that weren't about me,
you know.
71
00:02:37,426 --> 00:02:39,260
So this violent criminal
72
00:02:39,295 --> 00:02:40,495
thinks I'm his pen pal?
73
00:02:40,529 --> 00:02:41,496
No, no, no.
74
00:02:41,530 --> 00:02:44,265
His pen lover.
75
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:47,235
But you broke it off
after he proposed.
76
00:02:47,269 --> 00:02:49,271
And then he got very angry
and, you know,
77
00:02:49,305 --> 00:02:50,372
started saying,
"oh, if I ever get out of here,
78
00:02:50,406 --> 00:02:53,275
I'm gonna
come get you, and..."
79
00:02:53,309 --> 00:02:55,410
So why are we
hearing this story now,
80
00:02:55,444 --> 00:02:57,612
instead of never...
Oh, my God!
81
00:02:57,647 --> 00:02:58,680
He escaped, didn't he?
82
00:02:58,714 --> 00:03:01,382
No, no,
it's nothing like that.
83
00:03:01,417 --> 00:03:04,252
He was just paroled yesterday.
84
00:03:04,286 --> 00:03:06,421
Look, I never, ever thought
85
00:03:06,455 --> 00:03:07,622
that anything
like this would happen.
86
00:03:07,657 --> 00:03:10,525
Joy, I am so, so, so sorry.
87
00:03:10,559 --> 00:03:12,227
We'll deal with us later.
88
00:03:12,262 --> 00:03:13,629
Right now, we have
to figure out what do to
89
00:03:13,663 --> 00:03:15,898
about an ex-con
who chops up bodies
90
00:03:15,933 --> 00:03:17,133
and is coming here to get me.
91
00:03:17,167 --> 00:03:19,302
How are we gonna
recognize him?
92
00:03:19,336 --> 00:03:20,370
I mean, do you know
what he looks like?
93
00:03:20,404 --> 00:03:21,838
Well, I never asked
for a photo.
94
00:03:21,873 --> 00:03:24,207
I didn't want him to think
that Joy was shallow.
95
00:03:26,678 --> 00:03:28,745
Does he know
what I look like?
96
00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:29,880
Well, I might have sent him
that picture of you
97
00:03:29,914 --> 00:03:31,448
from our trip to grand Cayman.
98
00:03:31,482 --> 00:03:33,317
You mean the one
in the white bikini
99
00:03:33,351 --> 00:03:35,652
that showed everything
when it got wet?
100
00:03:35,687 --> 00:03:37,054
You should be flattered.
101
00:03:37,088 --> 00:03:39,490
It was a big hit
with the whole cell block.
102
00:03:42,293 --> 00:03:45,763
Gary was having
a very tough week.
103
00:03:45,797 --> 00:03:47,665
You know, I always thought
my son stole that picture,
104
00:03:47,699 --> 00:03:49,300
so this, actually,
it's quite a relief.
105
00:03:49,334 --> 00:03:51,669
Not... not a relief
right now,
106
00:03:51,703 --> 00:03:53,304
but... but for another time.
107
00:03:53,339 --> 00:03:56,942
[Phone rings]
108
00:03:56,976 --> 00:03:59,278
Hello?
109
00:03:59,312 --> 00:04:00,846
Yes, Joy's here.
110
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:01,980
Who's calling?
111
00:04:04,985 --> 00:04:07,520
He hung up.
112
00:04:07,554 --> 00:04:09,856
Oh, my God, it's him!
113
00:04:09,891 --> 00:04:11,692
Even more than usual,
114
00:04:11,726 --> 00:04:13,894
I'm glad I'm not Joy right now.
115
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,312
[Both shout]
116
00:04:31,347 --> 00:04:34,115
Victoria!
I thought I heard a noise.
117
00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,983
I almost maced you.
118
00:04:36,017 --> 00:04:38,852
That's sunscreen.
119
00:04:38,886 --> 00:04:40,720
Oh, well, I thought
it was my pepper spray.
120
00:04:40,754 --> 00:04:42,021
What did you think that was?
121
00:04:42,055 --> 00:04:44,123
I knew it was
a magnifying mirror.
122
00:04:44,157 --> 00:04:45,791
Do you know anything scarier?
123
00:04:45,825 --> 00:04:47,360
Wait, don't point
that thing at me.
124
00:04:47,394 --> 00:04:49,461
Hey.
[All scream]
125
00:04:49,495 --> 00:04:50,796
What's going on?
126
00:04:50,830 --> 00:04:52,498
Is everybody all right?
127
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:57,570
Are you hunting wabbits?
128
00:04:57,604 --> 00:05:00,072
It's a Polish pellet gun.
129
00:05:00,107 --> 00:05:01,741
What, does it
shoot backwards?
130
00:05:01,775 --> 00:05:04,410
[Laughter]
131
00:05:04,445 --> 00:05:07,246
Are you really
gonna make Polish jokes
132
00:05:07,281 --> 00:05:09,515
when I'm holding a gun?
133
00:05:09,549 --> 00:05:12,018
Look, I have an alarm guy
134
00:05:12,052 --> 00:05:13,586
coming in the morning.
135
00:05:13,621 --> 00:05:15,288
We do not need any guns.
136
00:05:15,322 --> 00:05:16,689
[Gunshot]
137
00:05:16,724 --> 00:05:18,491
Aah!
[Man groans]
138
00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:20,694
Oh, my...
139
00:05:22,430 --> 00:05:24,364
Oh! My... my name is Owen.
140
00:05:24,399 --> 00:05:26,100
I'm looking
for my birth mother.
141
00:05:26,134 --> 00:05:27,768
Which one of you
is Joy Scroggs?
142
00:05:29,972 --> 00:05:31,373
Her.
143
00:05:36,048 --> 00:05:37,949
Elka's calling 911,
and I brought some alcohol.
144
00:05:37,983 --> 00:05:39,717
Oh, right, to sterilize
his wounds?
145
00:05:39,751 --> 00:05:42,720
Yeah.
146
00:05:45,156 --> 00:05:47,958
Thank God it's just
buckshot in the leg.
147
00:05:47,992 --> 00:05:49,259
He doesn't seem
that badly hurt.
148
00:05:49,293 --> 00:05:50,560
Then why did he faint?
149
00:05:50,595 --> 00:05:52,963
All the Scroggs men faint
at the sight of blood.
150
00:05:52,997 --> 00:05:55,599
One rare steak
can ruin a dinner party.
151
00:05:55,633 --> 00:05:57,034
He really is mine.
152
00:05:57,068 --> 00:05:58,068
Yeah, but when he wakes up,
153
00:05:58,103 --> 00:05:59,069
he's gonna think he's mine.
154
00:05:59,104 --> 00:06:00,404
Why did you say I was you?
155
00:06:00,438 --> 00:06:02,473
Obviously, Joy's in shock,
156
00:06:02,507 --> 00:06:03,774
or she would have chosen
the superior actress
157
00:06:03,808 --> 00:06:06,810
for the role.
158
00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:07,877
I panicked.
159
00:06:07,912 --> 00:06:09,479
Since I gave him up
for adoption,
160
00:06:09,513 --> 00:06:11,380
I've dreamed of what
our reunion would be like
161
00:06:11,415 --> 00:06:12,715
a million different ways,
162
00:06:12,749 --> 00:06:14,149
none of which involved me
shooting him.
163
00:06:16,152 --> 00:06:18,120
Please just say
you're me for a little while
164
00:06:18,154 --> 00:06:20,122
until I can figure out
how to explain all this.
165
00:06:20,156 --> 00:06:21,623
The ambulance is on the way.
166
00:06:21,657 --> 00:06:24,292
- How's he doing?
- He's waking up.
167
00:06:24,327 --> 00:06:26,061
I don't know how
to do a British accent.
168
00:06:26,095 --> 00:06:27,162
Just talk like I do.
169
00:06:27,196 --> 00:06:30,632
Oh, this is a bad idea.
170
00:06:33,302 --> 00:06:34,836
[Cockney accent] 'Ello.
171
00:06:40,210 --> 00:06:43,012
'Ow's me ol' son?
172
00:06:43,046 --> 00:06:45,748
Called it.
173
00:06:45,782 --> 00:06:47,283
Joy?
174
00:06:47,317 --> 00:06:49,452
Blimey!
175
00:06:49,486 --> 00:06:52,088
I wish I'd-a
known you were comin'.
176
00:06:52,122 --> 00:06:53,823
I'd-a put on a spot o' tea.
177
00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:58,961
I call elevators "lifts."
178
00:07:01,765 --> 00:07:06,101
[Deep American accent]
What your mom is trying to say
179
00:07:06,136 --> 00:07:07,836
in her reserved English way is,
180
00:07:07,871 --> 00:07:11,674
"gosh darn it,
we're happy you're here."
181
00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:13,510
Then why did you shoot me?
182
00:07:13,544 --> 00:07:14,945
[Clipped British accent]
Perhaps I can be
183
00:07:14,979 --> 00:07:17,548
of some assistance.
184
00:07:20,385 --> 00:07:23,789
We were under the impression
that you were an ex-convict.
185
00:07:23,823 --> 00:07:25,357
Terribly sorry.
186
00:07:25,391 --> 00:07:26,391
Who are you?
187
00:07:26,426 --> 00:07:31,163
I'm lady Winchester.
188
00:07:31,197 --> 00:07:32,931
She's me mum.
189
00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:36,868
So you're my grandmother?
190
00:07:36,903 --> 00:07:40,405
No, no, no.
No, I am your step-grandmother.
191
00:07:40,439 --> 00:07:42,640
I am your grandfather's
second wife.
192
00:07:42,674 --> 00:07:44,375
Actually younger than Joy.
193
00:07:44,410 --> 00:07:47,745
Which is quite a scandal,
really.
194
00:07:47,779 --> 00:07:50,981
You really should have
called your mother.
195
00:07:51,016 --> 00:07:53,484
So she could have
prepared for your arrival.
196
00:07:53,518 --> 00:07:56,320
I did call; I just
got nervous and I hung up.
197
00:07:56,354 --> 00:07:58,222
- Oh!
- Oh!
198
00:07:58,256 --> 00:08:00,524
[Deep voice] Oh.
199
00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:03,928
Well, no worries.
200
00:08:03,962 --> 00:08:06,197
The important thing is,
201
00:08:06,231 --> 00:08:09,600
you should consider yourself
at 'ome.
202
00:08:11,603 --> 00:08:14,505
Don't drop your H's, darling.
203
00:08:14,540 --> 00:08:17,108
Oh, why can't the English
learn to speak.
204
00:08:17,142 --> 00:08:18,610
You can't tell me
what to say.
205
00:08:18,644 --> 00:08:20,712
- You're not me real mum.
- Don't you be impertinent.
206
00:08:20,746 --> 00:08:24,515
This is ridiculous.
Both of you stop it.
207
00:08:24,549 --> 00:08:26,450
I'm Joy.
208
00:08:26,484 --> 00:08:27,918
I'm your mother.
209
00:08:27,953 --> 00:08:31,623
What?
Wait, you're my mother?
210
00:08:31,657 --> 00:08:33,691
Why did you pretend
that you weren't?
211
00:08:33,726 --> 00:08:35,860
I panicked.
212
00:08:35,894 --> 00:08:37,829
And who shot me?
213
00:08:37,863 --> 00:08:39,497
That was me too.
214
00:08:39,531 --> 00:08:41,032
But it was an accident.
215
00:08:41,066 --> 00:08:42,033
She's right.
216
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,434
Technically,
the couch shot you.
217
00:08:43,469 --> 00:08:45,603
Yeah, maybe we should just
start at the beginning.
218
00:08:45,637 --> 00:08:46,704
You see, I was writing
love notes
219
00:08:46,738 --> 00:08:48,072
to a prisoner, as your mother.
220
00:08:48,107 --> 00:08:50,308
Are you all insane?
221
00:08:50,343 --> 00:08:52,377
Oh, good!
The paramedics are here.
222
00:08:52,411 --> 00:08:53,978
I'll follow you in my car.
223
00:08:54,013 --> 00:08:57,282
And trust me, things here
aren't as crazy as they seem.
224
00:08:57,316 --> 00:08:59,385
[Irish accent] I brought
a wee bag of ice
225
00:08:59,419 --> 00:09:01,820
for the wee 'un's leg.
226
00:09:03,490 --> 00:09:07,494
What? They're not
doing that anymore?
227
00:09:10,831 --> 00:09:12,632
I just got off
the phone with Joy.
228
00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:14,167
She's still waiting
to see Owen,
229
00:09:14,201 --> 00:09:16,168
but the doctor says
he's resting comfortably.
230
00:09:16,203 --> 00:09:18,604
That's good.
I have some good news too.
231
00:09:18,638 --> 00:09:20,339
It's against the law
for parolees
232
00:09:20,373 --> 00:09:22,341
to leave the state
they were incarcerated in.
233
00:09:22,375 --> 00:09:23,609
So Gary can't leave
Pennsylvania.
234
00:09:23,643 --> 00:09:27,078
So he's far?
Near?
235
00:09:29,582 --> 00:09:30,982
It's the state to our right.
236
00:09:31,016 --> 00:09:32,450
Stage right?
237
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:33,985
[Doorbell rings]
238
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:35,621
Oh, I bet that's
the alarm guy.
239
00:09:35,655 --> 00:09:37,456
Joy said he'd be by
around 11:00.
240
00:09:39,359 --> 00:09:41,461
Hi.
Here to see Joy Scroggs.
241
00:09:41,495 --> 00:09:44,631
Oh, you must be
from the alarm company.
242
00:09:44,666 --> 00:09:46,333
Yes.
243
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:47,801
May I come in?
244
00:09:47,836 --> 00:09:49,937
Well, Joy's not here,
but we live here too.
245
00:09:49,971 --> 00:09:52,272
And I guess we should still
get that alarm system, right?
246
00:09:52,307 --> 00:09:53,273
Yeah, I think so.
247
00:09:53,308 --> 00:09:54,274
Can I get you something
to drink
248
00:09:54,308 --> 00:09:55,475
while you check out the house?
249
00:09:55,510 --> 00:09:58,679
Great, thanks.
250
00:09:58,713 --> 00:09:59,880
Well, I see you staring,
251
00:09:59,914 --> 00:10:02,249
and, yes, I am television's
Victoria Chase.
252
00:10:02,283 --> 00:10:04,751
Hey, don't sell
your film work short.
253
00:10:04,786 --> 00:10:06,853
You were great as the outraged
white congresswoman
254
00:10:06,888 --> 00:10:08,321
in Madea goes to Washington.
255
00:10:08,356 --> 00:10:10,724
Oh.
256
00:10:10,759 --> 00:10:12,059
"Turn that music down!
257
00:10:12,094 --> 00:10:13,694
We're trying to filibuster!"
258
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,070
[On voice mail] "Hey, this is
Reggie with the alarm company.
259
00:10:22,105 --> 00:10:23,205
"I'm not gonna make it today,
260
00:10:23,239 --> 00:10:24,707
"so please call to reschedule.
261
00:10:24,741 --> 00:10:26,876
Thanks."
262
00:10:26,910 --> 00:10:27,977
Oh... oh, my God.
263
00:10:28,011 --> 00:10:29,712
And then I would have said,
264
00:10:29,747 --> 00:10:31,514
"oh, it's just an honor
being nominated"
265
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,017
with all these talented women.
266
00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:35,452
I can't tell you how mad I am
267
00:10:35,486 --> 00:10:37,721
that you never got
to make your speech.
268
00:10:37,755 --> 00:10:39,889
If I could kidnap everyone who
was in the audience that night
269
00:10:39,924 --> 00:10:43,260
and make them listen to it,
I would.
270
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:46,095
That is so sweet.
271
00:10:46,130 --> 00:10:47,497
Victoria.
272
00:10:47,531 --> 00:10:48,631
Can I see you
in the kitchen, please?
273
00:10:48,666 --> 00:10:50,233
I need some help
with the lemonade.
274
00:10:50,268 --> 00:10:52,602
Well, we're kind of in
the middle of something here.
275
00:10:52,637 --> 00:10:54,371
How hard is it
to make lemonade?
276
00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:55,806
No, I mean, really...
How hard is it?
277
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,875
I seriously have no idea.
278
00:10:57,909 --> 00:10:59,476
Psst.
279
00:11:03,214 --> 00:11:04,982
If I am any judge
of character,
280
00:11:05,016 --> 00:11:07,418
that guy is a winner.
281
00:11:07,452 --> 00:11:09,053
That's not the alarm guy.
282
00:11:09,087 --> 00:11:11,655
I think that's Gary...
crazed ex-con Gary.
283
00:11:11,690 --> 00:11:12,890
No, it can't be.
284
00:11:12,924 --> 00:11:15,993
No, he's not allowed
to leave Portland.
285
00:11:16,027 --> 00:11:18,329
Pennsylvania.
286
00:11:18,363 --> 00:11:22,565
Hey, whose creepy van
is parked out front?
287
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,233
That's the convict's.
We gotta run.
288
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:26,769
Not a good idea.
289
00:11:39,236 --> 00:11:40,670
[Gasps]
290
00:11:40,704 --> 00:11:42,839
I'm sorry.
291
00:11:42,873 --> 00:11:45,108
Have you been here
staring at me all night?
292
00:11:45,142 --> 00:11:46,843
Not all night.
293
00:11:46,877 --> 00:11:48,278
I went down
to the maternity ward
294
00:11:48,312 --> 00:11:52,449
and stared at the babies until
security asked me to leave.
295
00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:54,785
Anyway, great news.
296
00:11:54,819 --> 00:11:55,953
You're buckshot free.
297
00:11:55,987 --> 00:11:58,022
So I have the same amount
of buckshot
298
00:11:58,057 --> 00:11:59,791
as I had before I met you.
299
00:11:59,825 --> 00:12:02,293
You'll probably laugh
about that someday.
300
00:12:02,328 --> 00:12:03,895
I mean, if you want.
301
00:12:03,930 --> 00:12:05,664
If things work out.
302
00:12:05,698 --> 00:12:07,565
We could laugh about it
now, if you wish,
303
00:12:07,599 --> 00:12:09,767
or we could just talk...
I've got all day.
304
00:12:09,802 --> 00:12:12,870
About that, um...
305
00:12:12,905 --> 00:12:15,706
You know that I had cold feet
about coming to see you.
306
00:12:15,741 --> 00:12:18,642
And then I started picturing
what this woman might be like.
307
00:12:18,676 --> 00:12:19,977
And what you might
be like, and...
308
00:12:20,011 --> 00:12:22,412
And how we might have
this life-changing,
309
00:12:22,447 --> 00:12:24,081
cosmic connection.
310
00:12:24,115 --> 00:12:25,715
So a couple days ago,
I told myself,
311
00:12:25,749 --> 00:12:27,384
just get on a plane and do it.
312
00:12:27,418 --> 00:12:29,653
What's the worst
that could happen?
313
00:12:29,687 --> 00:12:31,422
[Forced laugh]
314
00:12:31,456 --> 00:12:34,225
This wasn't how I pictured
our first meeting either.
315
00:12:34,259 --> 00:12:37,362
I mean, you're the closest
person in the world to me,
316
00:12:37,396 --> 00:12:38,730
biologically.
317
00:12:38,765 --> 00:12:41,066
But we're complete strangers.
318
00:12:41,101 --> 00:12:43,369
It's just all so overwhelming.
319
00:12:43,403 --> 00:12:45,939
Maybe this was a mistake.
320
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,441
I mean, you're uncomfortable,
I'm uncomfortable.
321
00:12:48,475 --> 00:12:50,243
But that's the exact,
same relationship
322
00:12:50,277 --> 00:12:52,011
I have with my mother!
323
00:12:52,045 --> 00:12:54,080
We can build on this.
324
00:12:54,114 --> 00:12:56,548
Look, you seem like
a really nice woman.
325
00:12:56,582 --> 00:13:00,385
But I think
that we should say we met,
326
00:13:00,419 --> 00:13:02,086
mystery solved,
327
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,388
and get back
to our regular lives.
328
00:13:04,422 --> 00:13:06,924
Or... my regular life
329
00:13:06,958 --> 00:13:10,761
and whatever that was going on
over at your house.
330
00:13:10,795 --> 00:13:14,231
So... this is good-bye.
331
00:13:14,265 --> 00:13:16,633
I think it's for the best.
332
00:13:20,371 --> 00:13:21,538
So where's Joy?
333
00:13:21,572 --> 00:13:23,873
I don't know.
Please don't kill us.
334
00:13:23,907 --> 00:13:25,341
I'm not gonna kill anybody.
335
00:13:25,375 --> 00:13:26,509
What gave you that idea?
336
00:13:26,543 --> 00:13:28,577
Well, the reason
you went to prison.
337
00:13:28,612 --> 00:13:30,979
Body parts.
338
00:13:31,014 --> 00:13:33,415
Auto body parts.
339
00:13:33,449 --> 00:13:34,516
I ran a ring of chop chops.
340
00:13:34,550 --> 00:13:35,984
I wrote that in my first
fan letter to you.
341
00:13:36,019 --> 00:13:38,286
Victoria doesn't read anything
that's not about her.
342
00:13:38,321 --> 00:13:40,388
I really don't.
343
00:13:40,422 --> 00:13:44,258
Look, I've done
a little time myself.
344
00:13:44,293 --> 00:13:46,494
So one con to another,
345
00:13:46,528 --> 00:13:47,995
forget Joy.
346
00:13:48,029 --> 00:13:49,597
Why don't you just
go to a strip club,
347
00:13:49,632 --> 00:13:53,335
like a real parolee?
348
00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:55,671
That's an awesome idea.
I'll give you all my singles.
349
00:13:55,706 --> 00:13:59,342
You can make it rain.
350
00:13:59,376 --> 00:14:01,845
I been waiting for this moment
for too long.
351
00:14:01,879 --> 00:14:03,781
I'm gonna make her sorry
she ruined my life.
352
00:14:03,815 --> 00:14:06,017
She didn't ruin your life.
353
00:14:06,051 --> 00:14:07,585
I did.
354
00:14:07,620 --> 00:14:09,721
I'm the one who
wrote all those letters.
355
00:14:09,755 --> 00:14:11,856
I just used
her name and picture,
356
00:14:11,891 --> 00:14:13,258
because I'm a celebrity,
357
00:14:13,292 --> 00:14:15,861
and celebrities... can't be
associated with prisoners,
358
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:17,330
unless they're
researching a role.
359
00:14:17,364 --> 00:14:19,898
And I never get those parts.
360
00:14:19,933 --> 00:14:22,902
Too glamorous.
361
00:14:22,936 --> 00:14:25,003
You wrote all the letters?
362
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:27,506
Yes, you see, I'm the one
you're madly in love with.
363
00:14:27,540 --> 00:14:28,974
No, you're not.
364
00:14:29,008 --> 00:14:30,943
I fell in love with Joy,
the girl from the picture.
365
00:14:30,977 --> 00:14:32,011
You're not even my type.
366
00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:33,112
Well, wait a minute!
367
00:14:33,146 --> 00:14:34,346
We're the same type...
368
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:36,282
gorgeous, willowy brunettes.
369
00:14:36,316 --> 00:14:38,318
And I wrote
all those beautiful letters.
370
00:14:38,352 --> 00:14:40,788
Uh, you're not trying
to win him over.
371
00:14:40,822 --> 00:14:42,490
Oh, yeah.
372
00:14:46,896 --> 00:14:48,831
Oh, it'll be all right.
373
00:14:48,865 --> 00:14:50,199
You'll find someone new.
374
00:14:50,233 --> 00:14:53,001
The strip club
is open till 4:00.
375
00:14:53,036 --> 00:14:55,304
[Door closes]
376
00:14:55,338 --> 00:14:56,839
What's going on here?
377
00:14:56,873 --> 00:14:59,074
Oh, Joy, this is Gary.
378
00:14:59,109 --> 00:15:00,577
Oh, my God, it's you!
379
00:15:00,611 --> 00:15:02,245
But it's not you.
380
00:15:02,279 --> 00:15:03,880
This is the Gary
381
00:15:03,914 --> 00:15:06,383
that we were afraid
was gonna kill me?
382
00:15:06,417 --> 00:15:07,384
Is he crying?
383
00:15:07,418 --> 00:15:09,152
Like Brett Favre
384
00:15:09,187 --> 00:15:12,355
retiring for the tenth time.
385
00:15:15,860 --> 00:15:17,128
All these years,
I've been imagining
386
00:15:17,162 --> 00:15:19,163
how I was finally gonna
meet you and win you back.
387
00:15:19,198 --> 00:15:22,600
Or, you know, make you pay.
388
00:15:22,635 --> 00:15:24,502
This is not how
I pictured it at all.
389
00:15:24,537 --> 00:15:26,571
Why does everything
have to be the way
390
00:15:26,605 --> 00:15:28,039
people bloody picture it?
391
00:15:28,073 --> 00:15:30,007
Life doesn't work that way!
392
00:15:30,042 --> 00:15:32,676
Boy, you got a temper on you.
393
00:15:32,711 --> 00:15:34,712
You dodged a bullet.
394
00:15:37,215 --> 00:15:39,048
I've got to get back
to the hospital.
395
00:15:42,153 --> 00:15:43,419
Gary, you should
probably go too.
396
00:15:43,454 --> 00:15:46,189
Your parole officer's
probably worried sick.
397
00:15:46,223 --> 00:15:47,524
You're right.
No reason to stay here.
398
00:15:47,558 --> 00:15:49,593
Wait, Gary...
399
00:15:49,627 --> 00:15:52,996
Uh...I can't help
but feel responsible
400
00:15:53,030 --> 00:15:54,797
for what's happened here today.
401
00:15:54,832 --> 00:15:56,199
So any time you're
feeling lonely,
402
00:15:56,233 --> 00:15:59,268
please feel free
to call this number.
403
00:15:59,303 --> 00:16:00,503
Susan Lucci?
404
00:16:05,943 --> 00:16:08,311
Tell her I said hi.
405
00:16:12,416 --> 00:16:14,751
So maybe this wasn't what
either one of us expected.
406
00:16:14,785 --> 00:16:15,818
How could it be?
407
00:16:15,853 --> 00:16:18,421
This awkward and painful
and messy,
408
00:16:18,456 --> 00:16:20,623
and no one pictures messy.
409
00:16:20,657 --> 00:16:23,059
But sometimes, if you're willing
to work through the messy,
410
00:16:23,093 --> 00:16:25,261
you end up getting
to something good.
411
00:16:26,763 --> 00:16:29,599
That was it.
The whole speech.
412
00:16:29,633 --> 00:16:31,267
Maybe I said it too fast.
413
00:16:31,301 --> 00:16:35,538
The, "hi, Owen,
we have to talk" was implied.
414
00:16:35,573 --> 00:16:37,173
Okay.
415
00:16:37,207 --> 00:16:40,843
Okay is promising.
416
00:16:40,878 --> 00:16:42,912
All right.
417
00:16:42,947 --> 00:16:44,014
Let's get messy.
418
00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:52,256
Um... who's my dad?
419
00:16:54,526 --> 00:16:57,194
A charming, lying,
handsome rat
420
00:16:57,228 --> 00:17:00,631
who no girl could resist.
421
00:17:00,665 --> 00:17:01,999
My turn.
422
00:17:02,033 --> 00:17:03,333
Are you married?
423
00:17:03,368 --> 00:17:04,668
Divorced.
424
00:17:04,703 --> 00:17:07,204
- Already?
- Big mess.
425
00:17:07,238 --> 00:17:08,271
Sorry.
426
00:17:08,306 --> 00:17:09,339
Kids?
427
00:17:09,373 --> 00:17:10,641
You're not a grandmother.
428
00:17:10,675 --> 00:17:12,743
Oh, thank God.
429
00:17:12,777 --> 00:17:14,478
Oh, I mean, someday
when I'm ready.
430
00:17:14,512 --> 00:17:17,914
I mean, when you're ready.
431
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:20,283
Is there any baldness
in the family?
432
00:17:20,318 --> 00:17:23,620
No. Not among the men.
433
00:17:23,655 --> 00:17:26,490
So good for you, bad for me.
434
00:17:28,059 --> 00:17:29,293
What do you do?
435
00:17:29,327 --> 00:17:31,829
I teach gun safety.
436
00:17:33,665 --> 00:17:35,800
I'm... I'm... I'm kidding.
437
00:17:35,834 --> 00:17:37,168
I'm an actuary.
438
00:17:37,203 --> 00:17:40,205
Oh, wow, an actuary.
439
00:17:40,239 --> 00:17:42,774
I have no idea what that is.
440
00:17:42,808 --> 00:17:44,409
It's an insurance thing.
441
00:17:44,444 --> 00:17:45,477
Uh, how 'bout you?
442
00:17:45,512 --> 00:17:47,079
Oh, I convince celebrities
443
00:17:47,113 --> 00:17:49,347
that they're plucking
their eyebrows all wrong,
444
00:17:49,382 --> 00:17:51,182
and they pay me a fortune
to do it right.
445
00:17:51,216 --> 00:17:53,618
- Well, how are my brows?
- Oh, they're fine.
446
00:17:53,652 --> 00:17:54,886
You're grooming them all wrong.
447
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,155
- Really?
- No. See how easy it is?
448
00:17:57,189 --> 00:18:00,392
[Both laugh]
449
00:18:00,426 --> 00:18:03,361
Okay. Here comes the...
the big one.
450
00:18:03,395 --> 00:18:06,730
Um...
451
00:18:06,765 --> 00:18:08,899
Why did you give me up?
452
00:18:10,869 --> 00:18:13,270
Well...
453
00:18:13,304 --> 00:18:16,072
For this moment...
454
00:18:16,107 --> 00:18:19,543
That someday, I would
meet you again.
455
00:18:19,577 --> 00:18:22,379
And you would be
well-raised and healthy
456
00:18:22,413 --> 00:18:24,881
and happy.
457
00:18:24,915 --> 00:18:27,217
And you might be my friend.
458
00:18:29,820 --> 00:18:31,587
I'd like that.
459
00:18:42,464 --> 00:18:45,265
Also, that you might
take care of me in my old age.
460
00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:49,136
We'll see.
461
00:18:53,587 --> 00:18:54,721
Well, I, for one,
truly enjoyed
462
00:18:54,755 --> 00:18:56,222
Bible stories
told through pets.
463
00:18:56,256 --> 00:18:58,424
Although I was a little confused
about Noah's ark.
464
00:18:58,458 --> 00:19:01,760
I mean, Noah was a dog,
but he had dogs.
465
00:19:01,795 --> 00:19:03,662
Oh, wait a minute.
466
00:19:03,697 --> 00:19:06,565
Mickey Mouse
had Pluto as a pet,
467
00:19:06,599 --> 00:19:07,599
but Goofy as a friend.
468
00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:08,634
So, yeah, makes sense.
469
00:19:10,336 --> 00:19:11,737
Why did every bird
in that bloody show
470
00:19:11,772 --> 00:19:13,806
pick me to crap on?
471
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,274
I don't think
we should question
472
00:19:15,308 --> 00:19:18,877
the wisdom of the animals.
473
00:19:18,911 --> 00:19:21,412
Well, I am just so proud
of chance, our little star.
474
00:19:21,447 --> 00:19:23,848
Oh, stop trying
to make me feel better.
475
00:19:23,882 --> 00:19:26,017
Oh, come on.
He stole the show.
476
00:19:26,052 --> 00:19:28,954
He stole the baby Jesus.
477
00:19:33,226 --> 00:19:36,195
Come on, let's go inside
and turn some water into wine.
478
00:19:36,230 --> 00:19:37,930
Hey, this is the first time
we're coming home
479
00:19:37,965 --> 00:19:39,366
to our new alarm system.
480
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,668
[Electronic voice]
Front door open.
481
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:43,203
Hurry, you have 20 seconds
to put in the code.
482
00:19:43,238 --> 00:19:44,338
I forgot what we agreed on.
483
00:19:44,372 --> 00:19:46,273
Was it one of
my kids' birthdays?
484
00:19:46,307 --> 00:19:48,141
Uh, no, I think it was
the year I was born.
485
00:19:48,176 --> 00:19:50,810
Can't be... the code
has to be four numbers.
486
00:19:50,845 --> 00:19:53,513
[Electronic voice]
Ten seconds to alarm.
487
00:19:53,547 --> 00:19:55,214
Oh, oh, maybe
it's my goal weight!
488
00:19:55,248 --> 00:19:57,816
But is it my dream goal weight
or my realistic goal weight?
489
00:19:57,850 --> 00:20:00,485
Your goal weight
has four numbers in it?
490
00:20:00,519 --> 00:20:01,886
There's a decimal point
involved.
491
00:20:01,921 --> 00:20:05,990
I remember!
It was the year I was born.
492
00:20:06,024 --> 00:20:07,725
[Electronic voice]
Code declined.
493
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,961
You lied about your age
to the alarm?
494
00:20:09,996 --> 00:20:12,264
Well, I felt
it was judging me.
495
00:20:12,299 --> 00:20:13,399
All right, take 10 years off.
496
00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:14,567
No, 12.
497
00:20:14,601 --> 00:20:17,870
I was feeling
very vulnerable that day.
498
00:20:17,905 --> 00:20:19,506
[Electronic voice]
Thank you, miss Chase.
499
00:20:19,540 --> 00:20:23,210
You look gorgeous.
500
00:20:23,244 --> 00:20:24,611
It costs a little extra,
501
00:20:24,645 --> 00:20:26,746
but it makes me
feel more secure.
502
00:20:26,781 --> 00:20:30,449
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
503
00:20:30,499 --> 00:20:35,049
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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