Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing )

They are trying again with the call, Herr Kommandant.

Now, Schultz, you got this straight?

Captain Gruber is to send

another staff car here to Paris at once.

But there is no other staff car in Stalag 13.

A vehicle of some kind.

And you're to report that my staff car

has been destroyed by enemy strafing.

Enemy strafing?

How can I explain that we were in Paris

for two minutes and you had it stolen from you?

With all my uniforms!

And tell them to send a change of uniform.

I think your uniform is beautiful, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz!

Klink's still trying to get through from Paris.

Let him wait.

Ours is a business call.

It's just 9:00.

Colonel. Right.

Coming through fine.

Good. Now, I got a job for you.

Gay, romantic Paris?

LeBeau and I are living like monks. Monks!

It's a little complicated.

We need some information here.

I made a deal with a nutty Russian

who's got a little something going

with the head of the Paris Gestapo.

She is beautiful and pure.

She may be able to help us

get Tiger away from the Gestapo boys,

but her price is the location

of those secret fighter bases in Germany--

the ones near you that Tiger was looking for

when they grabbed her. Okay?

Good. Now, I want Newkirk and Carter

to go out of the compound tonight, Kinch.

What?

That's right, Colonel, we can't do it.

It's a different Stalag 13

since Klink went to Paris.

Gruber has three bed checks a night,

and the guard that replaced Schultz is murder.

Almost like being in prison, tell him.

KINCH: We'll talk to you tomorrow night, Colonel.

You know, LeBeau...

...I never really appreciated Klink.

If we run into him again here, I'm going to tell him.

Couldn't we send him back to Stalag 13?

How can we? We stole his staff car.

( whistling )

( whistling )

You like my new car?

Yeah. This is the one we stole from Klink

and gave to Backscheider.

She bought it. You bought it?

It was not cheap-- get in.

Mais oui, Madame...

Please. With you,

I could not trust myself. Him.

LeBeau, get in the driver's seat,

keep a lookout, huh?

Right.

Well, did you find time

to do anything about Tiger last night,

or were you too busy?

On second thought, change places with the short one.

Look, I don't care what games you play with Backscheider.

I'm on my way to his office. What have you got for me?

Mm-hmm. I drew aside the curtain of time

and peeked into his future.

I told him there would be a visit

from a most important person.

Well?

That is all.

That's all?

He could do better than that from a fortune cookie.

How does that help spring Tiger?

( scoffs ): Details.

Oh, swell, swell.

Had I worked it all out, you would have hated me.

Men are like that.

Now, when can I have the location

of the German fighter bases?

Ask me something easy.

When are they opening second front?

Look in your crystal ball.

No. I would see you on your knees,

begging for my smile.

It would be too embarrassing for you.

When we go there, we have to do it...

Schultz, my staff car!

What staff car?

Over there.

We must stop them.

You, driver, this is my staff car.

Oh, moi! Le Boche! Que vous racontez?

Un staff car. Vous cassez les couilles, eh?

SCHULTZ: What did he say?

How should I know?

Oh, excuse me. There seems to be some...

Shut the door!

Oh, yes, madame.

But I thought that this might possibly be my staff car.

This car is the property of the Paris Gestapo.

I'm questioning a suspect.

Now, go away.

Oh, yes, madame, right away.

You were right, Schultz.

The Gestapo did requisition my staff car.

But why did Colonel Backscheider

tell me that it was stolen?

Such a small difference, Herr Kommandant.

The important thing is we found it.

I will give you five minutes alone

with the suspect, Herr Derkin.

If she is unwilling to talk freely,

we shall be forced to resume our own interrogation.

We have been far too lenient already.

Colonel Backscheider,

you're just too nice a guy.

There have been certain inquiries from Berlin.

It is vital to us to know

if this woman was able to find certain information

and whether she has passed it on.

Vital.

Of course, you had the information yourself.

Why?

To check on her story.

I will get it. Do not concern yourself.

Good. Good.

Look, um, I was able to get a good deal

on some cognac.

Two carloads.

Be glad to cut you in

if you can help transport it to Paris.

( sighs ): Every inch of car loading

is needed for the German war effort.

You were in for 50%.

I will see what I can do.

Good.

( snaps fingers )

There was something else, something else.

Yes?

Someone was coming from out of town.

Who was it?

Someone of importance?

Who was it?

Just can't think.

Well, maybe later.

I'll go talk to Tiger.

This time it works perfectly, Herr Colonel.

It better work perfectly.

They moved it since yesterday.

They had me out of the cell this morning.

Look, he's going to come steaming in here in a minute.

Tiger, we may be able to get you out of here.

When? If it happens, tomorrow.

How? I don't know how.

I'm playing it by ear because I'm working

with a nut who's also playing it by ear.

( sighs ) In spite of that, you've got to trust me.

Now, no matter what I say--

and I don't know what I'm going to say--

play along, no matter how it may sound.

I trust you.

( keys jangling )

( cell door opening )

So, she is now

willing to talk?

Absolutely.

Anything you want to know...

tomorrow.

I will not wait until tomorrow.

You've got to get the location

of the fighter bases to check on her story.

I never told you anything about fighter bases.

She did.

Hmm.

Nevertheless, I will not wait.

I must have evidence now of good faith.

( sighs ): That's only fair.

I'll see what I can do.

Tiger... can I tell the Colonel

the name you told me?

What name?

A very important member of the gang.

She was just about to make contact with him

when your boys picked her up.

Tell him.

No, he wouldn't believe you.

Commandant of Stalag 13, Wilhelm Klink.

Impossible.

He's right here in Paris, on leave.

Exactly.

No. I do not believe it.

Pick him up.

But if this does not check out...

You'd better hurry up.

He sounds like a dangerous man.

Well, Mueller, go.

Just thought of a dangerous man: Himmler.

Himmler?

What about him?

He's the one who's coming to Paris, of course.

Well, that's absolutely impossible.

If Reichsfuhrer Himmler were coming to Paris,

I would be the first to know.

You mean he didn't tell you?

Oh, I am sorry.

BACKSCHEIDER: You told me that the stars

were very favorable for me this time of month.

And the stars are never wrong.

Sometimes my interpretation is not so good.

Why is Himmler coming?

What have I done?

What have I had the chance to do?

I forget.

Did I read for you a long life line or a short one?

You told me it was very long.

But, of course, you're no longer young.

What should I do?

( sighs )

This man you have told me of...

the black market man.

Derkin.

How did he know Himmler was coming?

Ja. How did he know?

I would watch him very closely, Colonel.

You have of course tapped the phone at his hotel?

Of course.

I should have.

Did I?

Perhaps Himmler is not coming at all.

I never trusted Derkin.

Never.

Thank you.

Thank you, my dear.

I shall get on it right away.

Uh, Colonel Backscheider, uh, the stars work free,

but, uh, Marya needs a little bread on the table.

Oh, of course, of course.

My dear...

Now...

( door opens )

( door shuts )

Very nice, very nice.

That's absolutely all I need. Thanks.

Why did you let him kiss your hand?

Oh, you are both jealous.

How sweet.

He's jealous.

I'm ready to kill.

I had Backscheider going my way.

He didn't even have my phone tapped.

What are you doing?

Kissing him this morning--

that was in the line of duty.

But kissing Backscheider?

Will you dry up about the kissing?

I do these things by intuition.

I forgive you.

Well, I don't.

If you can point out any possible advantage

to my phone being tapped by Backscheider, I'll...

Yeah, maybe.

You have thought of something.

No thanks to you.

Hold out as long as you can, my darling.

It will be that much sweeter when you surrender to me.

Over my dead body.

Don't tempt me.

We can all three be friends.

I forgot I was French.

( whistling )

( phone rings )

Derkin here.

( heavy German accent ): My dear Derkin.

This is Heinrich Himmler.

How are you?

Fine. Just fine.

You enjoyed the caviar?

Oh, I'm glad, I'm glad.

Look, I may be able to get some more for you.

Got a special deal, about three tons.

Eh, we can talk about that when you get here.

Yes, I will be arriving tomorrow morning, uh, about 10:00,

by fighter plane, with only my pilot.

Ja, there has been too many accidents on our transports.

Inhuman. I'll meet you at the airport at 10:00.

But, um, what about Colonel Backscheider?

What about him?

Well, I put my foot in it.

I mentioned you were coming to Paris,

but I didn't tell him when.

Tell him nothing.

If he has one single ounce of brains, which I doubt,

he will find out that I'm coming in

und be at the airport

with his entire staff lined up in review.

And if not, eh, one more bungler down the well.

I'm really sure he'll be there.

I'll meet you at the airport,

and, eh, thanks for the call, Heinrich.

He called him Heinrich.

He is on a first-name basis with Himmler.

Do you still intend to arrest him, Colonel?

Have you lost your mind, Mueller?

No. Back to headquarters.

Yes.

I want all personnel up all night,

polishing, scrubbing,

making ready to pass in review

before Herr Himmler at 10:00 tomorrow morning.

He called him Heinrich. Oh!

You saw him here?

Last night

with the small one.

But this morning, I saw them both with you...

in the staff car.

I think it was the staff car.

And his name is Hogan, Colonel Hogan,

an escaped prisoner?

Not escaped.

He comes and he goes on business.

A-ha.

It's not my concern, because business is business,

but I must find him.

Colonel Klink is being held by the Gestapo.

But why go to this Hogan?

Who should I go to, the Gestapo?

Very nice, Schultz, telling all the family secrets.

Oh, Colonel Hogan, please!

Colonel Hogan, Commandant Klink

has been arrested by the Gestapo.

What shall I do?

Why don't you go back to the bar and have a drink?

Oh, Colonel Hogan, how can I go

back to Stalag 13 without the commandant?!

It-it is bad enough to lose a staff car,

but a commandant?

All right, Schultz, then you stay

and help us plan how we're going to shoot our way

into Gestapo headquarters tomorrow.

I think I better have a drink.

Hogan and a colonel.

And the small one is a general?

Disguised as a corporal.

All right, so you're one up on us.

But we've got a problem about tomorrow.

What we need is a reasonable facsimile of Himmler.

Can you rent us one for a couple of hours?

It is well that I know how your evil mind works, Derkin Hogan.

( snaps fingers twice )

Heil Hitler.

Sit down.

Danke.

What's the matter?

You do not believe me in my part?

You can't be seen until tomorrow.

And I don't believe you in the part.

Himmler with a Russian accent.

But I speak faultless German.

Almost faultless.

Bryn Antonovich is one of the great undiscovered actors

of our time.

Thank you, darling.

You're welcome, darling.

He's the doorman from outside!

Not one of my best parts.

Oh, brother.

Is anything wrong?

Everything.

Backscheider isn't going to believe this doorman is Himmler.

With your management, Derkin Hogan,

they should never have to meet.

All right, just show me

one other person that believes.

Just one person, and I'll buy it.

Colonel Hogan, please, excuse me.

I don't want to disturb,

but Colonel Hogan, please, I'm really worried, because...

Are you aware, Dummkopf,

that you have intruded

upon SS Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler? Hmm?

( whimpering )

Himmler?!

Himmler, I-I-I'm terribly sorry.

I wa... I-I-I was already going.

I wasn't here.

I-I wasn't here. Please forgive me.

Well?

I could convince him I was Himmler.

All right, all right.

Sit down, Himmler.

( aircraft engine starts )

10:00 and no sight of him.

Might it not be, Colonel...?

No.

What?

That, uh, for security reasons,

Herr Reichsfuhrer Himmler might not come exactly on time?

It is possible.

I hope it is possible.

All right, LeBeau, you wait here for us,

and if Backscheider comes before we're through...

The signal?

It's just a very loud prayer.

I forgot to ask, what's my horoscope for today?

Stay home and work in your garden.

Glad I brought it up.

Yes. Yes, I am quite sure, Colonel Backscheider.

It cannot be anyone else.

Hold them there, Mueller, until I can get back.

Hold Reichsfuhrer Himmler?

Beg him to stay. Anything.

I am on my way.

Sontag!

At the airport

with his entire personnel while I am here?

I assured the Reichsfuhrer...

Silence!

Jawohl, jawohl.

I want you to take me to see...

Who is it that I want to see?

French underground woman, Tiger.

Da, da, ja, ja.

The French underground woman, Tiger, and at once.

At once!

Ah, but first, Herr Himmler

is concerned about the map

showing the location of the new fighter bases.

Hmm? Oh, ja, ja.

It should never have left Berlin.

Get it at once.

But-but it is locked in Colonel Backscheider's desk,

Your Excellency.

Well, then break it open... with an ax!

At once!

Ja! Heil Hitler!

If Herr Reichsfuhrer would only wait

until Colonel Backscheider gets back...

He is on the way?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, hurry. At once!

Uh, Captain Mueller, excuse me...

Colonel Hogan?

( chuckling ): I thought I saw Colonel Hogan.

Do I look like a Colonel Hogan?

Oh, no, sir, not at all.

It's just that ever since I've been to Paris,

I seem to hear and see only...

( chuckles ): This wouldn't be

Reichsfuhrer Himmler, would it?

Who is this man?

Ex-Commandant Klink, Your Excellency, from Stalag 13.

Suspected of complicity in the Tiger matter.

Your Excellency, I am completely innocent.

All I've done--

with the exception of some harmless delusions--

all I have done is come to Paris on my seven-day leave,

and never have I had such misery, sir, never.

When is your leave up?

Tomorrow, sir.

Let him out.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Your reputation for generosity and fairness is...

Let him out?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Your generosity and fairness is insurmountable.

This is a very dangerous woman.

What have you gotten from her?

Well, nothing as yet, Your Excellency.

Uh, but today, I believe

she will tell us everything.

So, you are coddling criminals again, eh?

Well, I shall personally take her to Berlin

and conduct my own interrogation.

At once, sir?

Jawohl.

At once! At once.

Follow me.

Reichsfuhrer Himmler!

Preventing nosebleed.

Long live our glorious leader, the Czar!

Heil Hit... The Czar?

Better get a doctor. He's worse than I thought.

But-but-but his face...

You tickle, Natasha.

Go get a doctor, and quick.

And if you breathe a word

of the Reichsfuhrer's subconscious...

Oh, no, no. No, never, never. Not a word!

Help me get him up.

We've got to get him out of here.

( muttering incoherently )

I'm quite all right, quite all right.

I'm acting beautifully, am I not?

No. Yes.

Even if we do not make it, thank you.

( moans )

Don't worry, he'll make it.

He's the best actor/ doorman in show business.

Let's go.

Mueller!

That was him.

Reichsfuhrer Himmler.

He's gone.

Jawohl, Colonel.

It was all quite strange.

He had me chop up your desk.

He released prisoners.

He had a fall.

I went for the doctor... Save the small talk.

Did he relieve me of my command?

No, no, no, he-he said nothing of that, sir.

Ah. I believe we could

still catch up with him, Colonel.

Son... that is why you will never be

anything more than a corporal. Never!

Perfect leave, wasn't it?

Perfect. Excitement, romance...

Do you think she was in love with you or with me?

Why don't we come back next month and find out?

Shh.

Colonel Klink will be here any minute.

Good. Is he going to come and thank us

for bringing back his staff car?

KLINK: Schultz.

Shh.

KLINK: Schultz.

I am ready to go.

Let's get out of this miserable city.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

You did not enjoy your stay?

Enjoy? The worst experience of my life.

My staff car stolen, arrested, badgered by the Gestapo.

Oh. You will say nothing about that, Schultz.

Nothing, Herr Kommandant. Nothing!

And worst of all, wherever I go,

I seem to hear and see this insufferable Colonel Hogan.

HOGAN: When Klink stops for lunch,

we'll have Schultz bring us a nice pâté... Ah, wait!

some black bread. Do you hear something, Schultz?

N-N-No, Commandant, I hear nothing. Nothing!

Battle fatigue.

Let's get back to Stalag 13.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Back to Stalag 13.

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