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1
00:00:04,167 --> 00:00:07,567
CBS presents this programin color.
2
00:00:23,033 --> 00:00:27,300
( theme song playing )
3
00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:00,200
( train whistle blows )
4
00:01:00,267 --> 00:01:03,167
Easy now. Hold it...
5
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,801
Here it comes.
6
00:01:04,834 --> 00:01:08,000
( whistle blows )
7
00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:10,667
On the count of three--
8
00:01:10,701 --> 00:01:13,567
one, two,
9
00:01:13,601 --> 00:01:14,601
three!
10
00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:19,868
( shouting )
11
00:01:19,901 --> 00:01:21,067
Hey, that was a lulu!
12
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:22,267
Oh, very nice,
indeed.
13
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,701
Oh, great timing,
Newkirk.
14
00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:25,234
You did very
well, Newkirk.
15
00:01:25,267 --> 00:01:26,734
Thank you
very much, chaps.
16
00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:29,634
For my next number, I shall do
a request explosion.
17
00:01:29,667 --> 00:01:30,901
Did you see it go off?
18
00:01:30,934 --> 00:01:33,133
Come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.
19
00:01:33,167 --> 00:01:34,434
Right, right,
let's go.
20
00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:36,767
Hey, Carter, which way
back to camp?
21
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,467
Well, I don't know.
22
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:42,434
What?!
23
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:43,567
I beg
your pardon?
24
00:01:43,601 --> 00:01:45,767
Well, I was afraid
to tell you guys.
25
00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:47,467
I don't know where we are.
26
00:01:47,501 --> 00:01:49,934
I guess I must have
dropped the compass.
27
00:01:49,968 --> 00:01:51,434
How stupid can you get?
28
00:01:51,467 --> 00:01:52,701
You ruddy fool!
29
00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:54,100
Not very bright.
30
00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:57,167
Well, if I had any brains,
would I be a prisoner of war?
31
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:58,601
How do we get
back to camp?
32
00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:00,334
Maybe we could
ask somebody?
33
00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:02,267
Who do we ask, a
German soldier or...?
34
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:04,534
All right, all right.
Take it easy. Hold it!
35
00:02:04,567 --> 00:02:06,367
Let's not lose our heads.
36
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,100
Look, I'll go climb
a tree up topside,
37
00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:09,234
take a look around,
38
00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:11,200
see if I can get a fix
on our position.
39
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:12,734
I'll go
with you, Kinch.
40
00:02:12,767 --> 00:02:14,300
Carter!
Hey, stay here.
41
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,300
You'll end up
breaking his leg.
42
00:02:16,334 --> 00:02:17,567
I'm sorry, fellas.
43
00:02:17,601 --> 00:02:18,868
Ah, forget it.
44
00:02:18,901 --> 00:02:20,400
We'll make out somehow.
45
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:23,300
Well, I don't know
why they ever drafted me.
46
00:02:23,334 --> 00:02:26,300
I don't know anything
about war.
47
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:29,934
...and if I hadn't been
up in the tree,
48
00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:31,400
they'd have grabbed me, too.
49
00:03:31,434 --> 00:03:32,601
That's a break,
anyway.
50
00:03:32,634 --> 00:03:34,534
By now, the Gestapo's
got the boys.
51
00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:36,033
Yeah, that's swell.
52
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:38,300
Well, at least they got
their fake dog tags.
53
00:03:38,334 --> 00:03:40,467
Yeah, and the detonators
and the walkie-talkie
54
00:03:40,501 --> 00:03:42,133
and a few extra sticks
of dynamite.
55
00:03:42,167 --> 00:03:43,767
It's a cinch the
krauts won't think
56
00:03:43,801 --> 00:03:45,667
they were selling
magazine subscriptions.
57
00:03:45,701 --> 00:03:47,334
We gotta
spring 'em, Colonel.
58
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:48,434
First thing
we got to do
59
00:03:48,467 --> 00:03:49,901
is find out where
they've taken the boys.
60
00:03:49,934 --> 00:03:53,100
Look, tomorrow
I'll keep Klink busy.
61
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,501
Tap into his phone
62
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:57,400
and call Gestapo headquarters
in Gluckenheim.
63
00:03:57,434 --> 00:03:58,601
Call the Gestapo?
64
00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:00,300
Tell 'em you're a general--
65
00:04:00,334 --> 00:04:03,467
General... Kinchmeyer,
Gestapo Headquarters, Berlin.
66
00:04:03,501 --> 00:04:05,501
Push 'em around.
You know the bit.
67
00:04:05,534 --> 00:04:07,334
Sure.
68
00:04:07,367 --> 00:04:08,968
( in German accent ):
Hello.
69
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,133
This is
General Kinchmeyer speaking.
70
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:14,367
Why have you not reported
the three men you had captured?
71
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,534
Where are they?
72
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:16,801
Schnell!
73
00:04:16,834 --> 00:04:18,567
That's very convincing.
74
00:04:18,601 --> 00:04:20,901
You know,
I'm not so sure about you.
75
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:31,868
So...
76
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:38,334
You are Antonio Calvelli, hmm?
77
00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:39,634
Yes, sir.
78
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,934
That's funny. You don't
look like a Calvelli.
79
00:04:41,968 --> 00:04:43,701
Well, I've always
been fond of pizza.
80
00:04:43,734 --> 00:04:46,801
Pizza? You are a liar!
81
00:04:46,834 --> 00:04:48,501
Antipasto?
Shut up.
82
00:04:48,534 --> 00:04:51,434
And you...
83
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:52,801
little one...
84
00:04:54,501 --> 00:04:57,200
you are... "Jock McPherson"?
85
00:04:57,234 --> 00:04:59,834
Yes, sir.
Hoot mon.
86
00:04:59,868 --> 00:05:02,200
Obviously, a Frenchman.
87
00:05:02,234 --> 00:05:04,033
On my mother's side.
88
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:06,834
We'll see.
89
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,734
And you...
90
00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:14,234
you are Heinrich
Hilgenbecker?
91
00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:17,634
That's right, sir.
Or jawohl, if you prefer.
92
00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:20,868
A very German name wearing
a very British uniform.
93
00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:23,234
Yes, sir. Hands across the sea
and all that.
94
00:05:23,267 --> 00:05:26,167
So, the faces don't
match the names,
95
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,968
the names don't
match the accents,
96
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,734
and the uniforms don't
match anything at all.
97
00:05:31,767 --> 00:05:34,567
It is a bit of a mess,
ain't it, sir?
98
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,667
Quiet. I could have
the three of you shot
99
00:05:36,701 --> 00:05:38,434
for spies and saboteurs
right now.
100
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:41,334
Begging your pardon, sir,
but we were captured in uniform.
101
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:44,234
We have identified ourselves;
name, rank and serial number.
102
00:05:44,267 --> 00:05:46,200
And according to
the Geneva Convention,
103
00:05:46,234 --> 00:05:48,200
I could...
104
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:51,534
I am not interested.
105
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:55,667
We will find out all about you
in our own way,
106
00:05:55,701 --> 00:05:57,868
soon enough, I assure you.
107
00:05:57,901 --> 00:05:59,667
Sergeant?
108
00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:02,667
Take them to Stalag Four
until I communicate with Berlin.
109
00:06:05,534 --> 00:06:07,734
You will be kept
in solitary confinement
110
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:09,801
pending the disposition
of your case.
111
00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:11,300
Sir?
Ja?
112
00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:13,567
What is it, Calvelli?
113
00:06:13,601 --> 00:06:15,033
I suppose
it wouldn't do any good
114
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:16,133
to ask for
the American Consul?
115
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,000
Good luck,
General Kinchmeyer.
116
00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:44,667
Now, let me understand
this, Hogan.
117
00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:46,667
Your men are volunteering?
118
00:06:46,701 --> 00:06:48,267
Yes, sir. They'll help
with camp maintenance,
119
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:49,667
if you'll allow us
to ask the Red Cross
120
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,100
for movies to be shown
in the Rec Hall.
121
00:06:51,133 --> 00:06:52,567
They want to work?
122
00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:54,434
War does strange things
to people.
123
00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:55,834
What do you say, Colonel?
124
00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:57,200
Movies, huh?
125
00:06:57,234 --> 00:07:00,801
I'll have to call Berlin
and ask policy on this matter.
126
00:07:00,834 --> 00:07:03,734
A man like you
has to telephone?
127
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:05,601
There are rules, you know.
128
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:09,234
For the commandant of the
toughest POW camp in Germany?
129
00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:11,501
I thought you made
your own rules.
130
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:15,200
Well, I make a few
and Berlin makes a few.
131
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:17,801
That way we get
a nice assortment.
132
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,667
Hogan, there is something
133
00:07:19,701 --> 00:07:20,968
behind this request.
134
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,300
Oh, Colonel,
I assure you...
135
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:24,868
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Your men are working already.
136
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:28,067
Of course. They're doing
their best to beautify the old alma mater.
137
00:07:28,100 --> 00:07:30,100
But I haven't agreed
to your proposal yet.
138
00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:33,901
Let's just say it's
an act of faith... in our commandant.
139
00:07:33,934 --> 00:07:35,767
You trust me that much?
140
00:07:35,801 --> 00:07:38,868
Oh, please, don't
embarrass me by asking emotional questions.
141
00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:40,000
I understand.
142
00:07:40,033 --> 00:07:41,667
I knew you would.
143
00:07:41,701 --> 00:07:44,100
In view of your
expression of confidence,
144
00:07:44,133 --> 00:07:46,968
I will settle the matter
at once in your favor.
145
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,667
Hello, get me Berli... Hello?
146
00:07:49,701 --> 00:07:53,434
Who's on the line?
General Kinchmeyer?!
147
00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:55,901
Uh, were you calling me, sir?
148
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,501
Who am I?
149
00:07:57,534 --> 00:08:00,634
I am Colonel Wilhelm Klink,
Stalag 13, at your service, sir.
150
00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:02,601
Oh, you weren't?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
151
00:08:02,634 --> 00:08:05,167
The lines must be crossed.
I'll get off at once.
152
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,300
Yes, sir.
153
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,400
Wh-wh-what's that?
154
00:08:08,434 --> 00:08:10,334
Yes, Heil Hitler.
155
00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:12,434
General Kinchmeyer...
156
00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:16,000
I don't know any
General Kinchmeyer. I...
157
00:08:16,033 --> 00:08:18,267
Hogan, what's
the matter with you?
158
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:21,067
You don't look
well at all.
159
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,701
It's the old ticker.
160
00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:25,400
Skips a beat
once in awhile.
161
00:08:28,868 --> 00:08:29,901
Twelve.
162
00:08:32,501 --> 00:08:33,567
It can't be.
163
00:08:33,601 --> 00:08:34,968
Three men missing?
164
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,467
( gasps ):
I have to count again.
165
00:08:37,501 --> 00:08:39,434
Eins, zwei, drei...
166
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:41,667
Forget it, Schultz,
there are three men missing.
167
00:08:41,701 --> 00:08:43,300
And Klink will be
here in a minute.
168
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:45,434
I wish there would be
four missing.
169
00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:46,234
Why four?
170
00:08:46,267 --> 00:08:48,133
Including me.
171
00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:50,133
Oh, I have to report this
at once.
172
00:08:50,167 --> 00:08:52,033
He'll blame you.
You're in charge.
173
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:54,133
I can explain
the three men, Schultz.
174
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,534
Report everyone present.
175
00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:58,133
Tell the commandant a lie?
176
00:08:58,167 --> 00:08:59,467
Of course.
177
00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:02,467
Why don't I ever think
of those things?
178
00:09:04,968 --> 00:09:06,734
They are in Stalag Four now?
179
00:09:06,767 --> 00:09:08,033
Mm-hmm.
That's right.
180
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:09,300
Why did they leave?
181
00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:11,267
I thought
they were happy here.
182
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:12,968
Was there something
I said?
183
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,534
No, no,
they got restless
184
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:16,234
and decided
to take a walk,
185
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:18,067
and the Gestapo
grabbed them.
186
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:19,067
The Gestapo!
187
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,200
Mm-hmm.
188
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:21,501
That's the
situation.
189
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:23,734
I'll report this
to Commandant Klink,
190
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,367
and he will get them back.
191
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,000
You mean,
before they talk?
192
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,601
Yes, before they talk.
193
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,167
Talk about what?
194
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,434
You see,
that's the problem.
195
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:34,067
The boys are sure
to be questioned.
196
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,634
They'll talk about Stalag 13,
and they'll mention you.
197
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,133
So?
198
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:39,534
Well, I mean,
what if you do take
199
00:09:39,567 --> 00:09:41,033
an occasional bribe
of cigarettes?
200
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:42,434
Or give a little
information
201
00:09:42,467 --> 00:09:44,167
in exchange for
a few candy bars?
202
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,200
Or lie to Klink,
your superior officer?
203
00:09:46,234 --> 00:09:47,434
That was your idea.
204
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,667
In this world,
you want to be Mr. Nice Guy,
205
00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:51,033
you have to pay
the price.
206
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,200
They could send me
to the Russian Front.
207
00:09:53,234 --> 00:09:54,234
Or shoot you.
208
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:55,734
Or both.
209
00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:56,901
That's impossible.
210
00:09:56,934 --> 00:09:58,167
You can't shoot a man
211
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,200
and send him
to the Russian Front.
212
00:10:00,234 --> 00:10:02,334
No, they could do it.
213
00:10:02,367 --> 00:10:03,834
Eh, I'm sorry,
Schultz.
214
00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:05,200
Sorry don't help.
215
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:08,567
We have to get them back
before they talk about me.
216
00:10:08,601 --> 00:10:10,968
Please, Colonel Hogan,
do something.
217
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,434
All right, there's
only one thing to do.
218
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:15,634
An officer
from Stalag 13 has to go
219
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,634
to Stalag Four
and get the boys.
220
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:20,400
Why, that is
a brilliant idea, Colonel.
221
00:10:20,434 --> 00:10:21,634
Thank you, Kinch.
222
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:23,734
Fine, but who is
the officer?
223
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:25,767
Who can we trust?
224
00:10:25,801 --> 00:10:26,801
You.
225
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:27,767
Me?
226
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,334
You.
227
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,868
You are both nuts.
228
00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:32,100
Me, an officer?
229
00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:33,634
Come on, Schultz!
230
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,334
Nobody at Stalag Four knows
what Klink looks like.
231
00:10:35,367 --> 00:10:36,934
We'll make you a
beautiful uniform.
232
00:10:36,968 --> 00:10:39,100
You simply walk right in
and demand the three prisoners.
233
00:10:39,133 --> 00:10:41,701
I cannot pose as an officer.
234
00:10:41,734 --> 00:10:45,267
Forget it. We have to think
of something else.
235
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:47,667
Eh, not we-- you.
236
00:10:47,701 --> 00:10:48,801
That's right, Schultz.
237
00:10:48,834 --> 00:10:49,901
It's your funeral.
238
00:10:49,934 --> 00:10:52,200
Ooh! I wish you hadn't
put it that way.
239
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:53,334
Oh, I'm sorry,
Schultz.
240
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:55,300
No, I cannot do it.
241
00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:57,567
That's final.
242
00:10:57,601 --> 00:11:00,133
Pose as an officer!
243
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:05,200
Well, so much
for that idea.
244
00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:08,267
Kinch, my boy, sometimes
you've got to have confidence.
245
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:11,434
Five, four,
three, two, one...
246
00:11:11,467 --> 00:11:13,200
Oh, Colonel Hogan!
247
00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:14,434
Achtung!
248
00:11:14,467 --> 00:11:16,167
At your service,
Commandant Klink!
249
00:11:18,234 --> 00:11:20,334
Neck...
250
00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:22,167
19 and a half.
251
00:11:23,901 --> 00:11:25,501
Neck...
252
00:11:25,534 --> 00:11:27,701
19 and a half.
253
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:30,834
Boy...
254
00:11:30,868 --> 00:11:33,667
this one may have
to be continued on the next tape measure.
255
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:35,467
You call yourself
a tailor.
256
00:11:35,501 --> 00:11:36,667
( chuckles )
257
00:11:36,701 --> 00:11:37,901
Don't do that.
258
00:11:37,934 --> 00:11:38,934
Waist: 52.
259
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:41,300
Waist: 52.
260
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,734
Sure that's not wrapped
around both of you?
261
00:11:43,767 --> 00:11:45,133
( chuckling ):
Very funny.
262
00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:47,734
Don't forget the hips
and chest measurements.
263
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:50,300
The same as my waist.
264
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:51,734
Well, saves time.
265
00:11:51,767 --> 00:11:54,834
No, Colonel Hogan, no,
I cannot go through with it.
266
00:11:54,868 --> 00:11:56,167
All right, Schultz.
267
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,400
We leave the boys
at Stalag Four,
268
00:11:58,434 --> 00:12:00,501
and the Gestapo
questions them.
269
00:12:00,534 --> 00:12:04,067
For you, that's
the fastest way to the Russian Front!
270
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,400
I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan,
271
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,534
but I-I haven't
got the courage.
272
00:12:07,567 --> 00:12:08,734
No guts, Schultz?
273
00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:11,267
That I never had,
I'm sorry.
274
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,901
I'm afraid we lost him.
275
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:18,400
Maybe.
276
00:12:18,434 --> 00:12:20,767
Maybe.
277
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:22,667
Look, we don't have
any choice in the matter.
278
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,000
We've got
a good organization.
279
00:12:24,033 --> 00:12:26,167
LeBeau, Carter and
Newkirk, they're a part of it.
280
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,267
Without them,
we fold up.
281
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:28,534
You don't have to
sell me.
282
00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:29,934
What about Schultz?
283
00:12:29,968 --> 00:12:32,067
All right, tomorrow we put
the pressure on him.
284
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,534
How much material will you need
to make him a uniform?
285
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:36,801
Well, let's put
it this way:
286
00:12:36,834 --> 00:12:38,767
How many inches
in an acre?
287
00:12:49,133 --> 00:12:50,467
Kind of cold,
huh, Schultz?
288
00:12:50,501 --> 00:12:51,734
Ja, very cold.
289
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:53,467
Care for a cigarette?
Oh. Well, thank you...
290
00:12:53,501 --> 00:12:54,968
Well, here, here,
keep the whole pack.
291
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,968
No, no, no, no, I can't.
No, no, no, no, no, no...
292
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,234
Here. Oh, come on, Schultz...
293
00:12:58,267 --> 00:13:00,033
It's against
regulations. Keep the whole pack.
294
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:00,868
Please, I...
Ah, come on.
295
00:13:00,901 --> 00:13:02,100
Thank you.
296
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:03,834
SCHULTZ:
Thank you.
297
00:13:03,868 --> 00:13:05,701
Hey, Schultzie,
here's that can of sardines
298
00:13:05,734 --> 00:13:06,801
I promised you,
old buddy.
299
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:07,801
Sardines?
Yeah.
300
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:09,334
Oh, no, I c-can't...
Oh, come on.
301
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:10,701
Here, go on,
take them, here.
302
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:12,267
And I'll bring you
the chocolate bars
303
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:13,901
as soon as I get my
Red Cross package.
304
00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:15,567
Chocolate! Ja! Please!
I like choc...
305
00:13:15,601 --> 00:13:17,767
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Cigarettes?
306
00:13:17,801 --> 00:13:19,968
Sardines?
307
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,467
Chocolate bars?
308
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,701
You live better
than Goring,
309
00:13:23,734 --> 00:13:25,634
and you're
twice as big.
310
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:27,801
Yes, Herr Kommandant,
but...
311
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,968
It is against
regulations
312
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,334
to fraternize with
the prisoners
313
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:34,133
or take things
from them
314
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:36,067
for any reason
whatsoever.
315
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:38,767
Yes...
316
00:13:38,801 --> 00:13:41,501
Put yourself
on report.
317
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:52,667
What happened?
318
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,434
Fraternizing--
you heard what he said.
319
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,901
Oh, that's nothing.
320
00:13:55,934 --> 00:13:57,133
He'll give me
some extra duty,
321
00:13:57,167 --> 00:13:58,767
and then the whole
thing is forgotten.
322
00:13:58,801 --> 00:14:00,067
I don't think so, Schultz.
323
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,701
It becomes part
of your record,
324
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:04,734
and when the Gestapo adds that
to what the boys tell them...
325
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:07,534
( whistles )
326
00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:10,534
I was standing here
327
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,567
minding my own business...
328
00:14:14,601 --> 00:14:16,100
Here he comes.
329
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:17,167
All right,
start the hat.
330
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,634
Now, remember
how much you put in
331
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:19,701
so you can get it back.
332
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:21,501
All right, fellas,
let's all give.
333
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:23,167
Remember, it's
for a good cause.
334
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,334
Dig, dig, come on!
335
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:25,534
Try to forget that the man
336
00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:27,400
we're collecting for
wears a German uniform.
337
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:28,868
He's been more
than an enemy to us.
338
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:30,000
Oh, hi, Schultz.
339
00:14:30,033 --> 00:14:31,000
Wha-What is this for?
340
00:14:31,033 --> 00:14:32,400
Oh, this?
Oh, we're collecting
341
00:14:32,434 --> 00:14:33,400
for somebody's widow.
342
00:14:33,434 --> 00:14:34,701
I mean, wife!
You said widow.
343
00:14:34,734 --> 00:14:35,934
Well, she's not
a widow yet.
344
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:37,901
We just want
to be ready in case.
345
00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:39,334
Aw, this is nice.
346
00:14:39,367 --> 00:14:42,167
You all got it right in here.
347
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,634
Thanks, Schultz.
348
00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:44,734
Wife?
349
00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:47,100
Widow?
350
00:14:47,133 --> 00:14:50,100
Just in case?
351
00:14:50,133 --> 00:14:53,334
Just in case it is me.
352
00:14:53,367 --> 00:14:54,634
All right.
353
00:14:54,667 --> 00:14:56,000
Back with the money.
354
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:58,167
Back, back, back, back,
back, back with the money.
355
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,067
Back with the money...
356
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,601
All set?
Let's try it.
357
00:15:02,634 --> 00:15:04,434
Now, remember,
I'm your captain.
358
00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:07,067
Kinch is Major Bernsdorf,
Kommandant of Stalag 4.
359
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:08,367
All set?
360
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,100
Here we go.
361
00:15:11,901 --> 00:15:15,100
Achtung!
Colonel Klink!
362
00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:24,234
Ah, Colonel Klink,
welcome to Stalag 4.
363
00:15:24,267 --> 00:15:25,734
Heil Hitler!
364
00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:26,934
Morning, Major.
365
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,534
Nice to meet you.
366
00:15:28,567 --> 00:15:30,834
No, no, Schultz,
that's all wrong.
367
00:15:30,868 --> 00:15:32,167
Listen,
368
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,100
to be a German officer,
you have to be mean
369
00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:35,200
and nasty and-and arrogant.
370
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,667
Right.
371
00:15:36,701 --> 00:15:38,901
Arrogance is
what makes a German officer.
372
00:15:38,934 --> 00:15:40,767
L-Let's do it again.
Please, quickly.
373
00:15:40,801 --> 00:15:42,200
All right.
Look, look, look.
374
00:15:42,234 --> 00:15:43,300
Maybe with a riding crop.
375
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:44,501
That's what Klink has, huh?
376
00:15:44,534 --> 00:15:45,934
Stand over there,
watch me do it.
377
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,367
Major Bernsdorf, you are holding
three of my prisoners.
378
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,634
I demand their release at once!
379
00:15:52,667 --> 00:15:53,767
KINCH:
Sir,
380
00:15:53,801 --> 00:15:55,234
without proper
authority,
381
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:56,701
I must deny
your request.
382
00:15:56,734 --> 00:15:59,000
You dare to deny my request?
383
00:15:59,033 --> 00:16:01,667
I shall have you
court-martialed!
384
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:03,100
Jawohl!
385
00:16:03,133 --> 00:16:04,667
Okay?
386
00:16:04,701 --> 00:16:05,901
Ja, ja.
387
00:16:05,934 --> 00:16:06,901
Let's try it.
388
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:08,868
From the top.
389
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,434
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
390
00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:14,400
Major Bernsdorf,
you have three of my prisoners.
391
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:18,434
I demand
that you release them at once!
392
00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:21,000
( groaning ):
Ooh... ooh...
393
00:16:21,033 --> 00:16:23,434
I hurt myself.
394
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:26,601
Come on, Schultz,
concentrate, will you?
395
00:16:26,634 --> 00:16:31,200
Major Bernsdorf,
you have three of my prisoners.
396
00:16:31,234 --> 00:16:34,067
I demand
that you release them at once!
397
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:36,434
Sir, I deny
that request.
398
00:16:36,467 --> 00:16:38,767
Okay. If you say no,
399
00:16:38,801 --> 00:16:41,567
then it is no.
400
00:16:49,601 --> 00:16:51,868
Major Bernsdorf,
I demand that you release...
401
00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:53,868
Schultz, Schultz.
402
00:16:53,901 --> 00:16:56,033
I'm over here.
403
00:16:57,868 --> 00:16:59,434
I can't help it.
404
00:16:59,467 --> 00:17:01,601
I-I... I can't see through.
405
00:17:01,634 --> 00:17:03,267
Schultz, open the other eye.
406
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:06,267
( monocle shatters )
407
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:16,601
Attention! I am Colonel Klink.
408
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:17,968
I want you to stand
at attention
409
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,434
when I talk to you,
or I send you
410
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:21,300
to the Russian Front.
Do you understand?!
411
00:17:21,334 --> 00:17:24,100
I tell you and you
and you and...
412
00:17:24,133 --> 00:17:25,934
Ooh, and you, too.
413
00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:27,367
Achtung!
414
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,334
Attention!
415
00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:37,200
You understand
if I talk to you attention?
416
00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:38,400
Oh, my goodness.
417
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:39,968
( snapping riding crop )
418
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,868
Attention!
419
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,267
All set.
420
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:51,067
I fixed the back window
in Klink's office.
421
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:52,534
You'll be able
to open it tonight.
422
00:17:52,567 --> 00:17:53,701
Good.
423
00:17:53,734 --> 00:17:55,367
Now, remember,
give us a two-hour start.
424
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,501
When the boys in the barracks
start the diversion,
425
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,467
you get into Klink's office
and make the call.
426
00:17:59,501 --> 00:18:00,567
Don't worry,
I'll be there.
427
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:01,934
Did you talk to Schultz?
428
00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:03,767
Yeah, he'll have
a truck out of the motor pool.
429
00:18:03,801 --> 00:18:05,334
He'll meet you there
right after dark.
430
00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:06,901
Fine. Then we'll be off
and running.
431
00:18:06,934 --> 00:18:08,200
Sure hope this works.
432
00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:10,567
If it doesn't,
I'll just keep right on running.
433
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,234
Achtung!
Colonel Klink!
434
00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:25,234
Hei...
435
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:26,033
Hei...
436
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:30,467
Colonel Klink,
Heil Hitler.
437
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:32,200
It's a pleasure.
We're honored.
438
00:18:32,234 --> 00:18:34,701
Y-You-You are?
439
00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:35,868
( muttering )
440
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:37,734
Naturally!
441
00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:39,701
( chuckles )
442
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:45,100
Can't get any decent monocles
nowadays.
443
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:47,234
May I offer you
some refreshment?
444
00:18:47,267 --> 00:18:48,934
Ja. How
about a little sandwich,
445
00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:51,634
some liverwurst with a little
bratwurst on the side.
446
00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:52,968
Colonel, may I
remind you,
447
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,000
our time
is limited.
448
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,100
Yes, uh, of course.
449
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:56,000
Thank you, Colonel.
450
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:57,334
Colonel?
451
00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:59,033
Oh, uh, he wants to be one.
452
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,868
( laughs )
453
00:19:00,901 --> 00:19:02,400
Makes him happy.
454
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:03,601
( laughing )
455
00:19:03,634 --> 00:19:05,400
( chuckles ):
I see.
456
00:19:05,434 --> 00:19:07,200
Prosit...!
457
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:08,968
Prosit!
458
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:14,701
Now, what can I do for you?
459
00:19:14,734 --> 00:19:16,934
You have three
of my prisoners.
460
00:19:16,968 --> 00:19:19,934
I would like you
to release them at once.
461
00:19:19,968 --> 00:19:22,200
Captain, give him their names.
462
00:19:22,234 --> 00:19:23,901
Jawohl,Kommandant.
463
00:19:23,934 --> 00:19:26,834
Antonio Calvelli,
Jock McPherson,
464
00:19:26,868 --> 00:19:29,267
Heinrich
Hilgenbecker.
465
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:31,901
But these men were brought here
by the Gestapo.
466
00:19:31,934 --> 00:19:34,834
I don't care about the Gestapo.
467
00:19:34,868 --> 00:19:37,667
It's very brave
of you to say that.
468
00:19:37,701 --> 00:19:39,801
( quietly ):
Maybe I'm too brave.
469
00:19:39,834 --> 00:19:41,968
I don't seem
to have any written authority
470
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,033
to release the men.
471
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:46,133
Written authority?!
472
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:48,334
( quietly ):
Nobody told me anything about that.
473
00:19:48,367 --> 00:19:49,834
Commandant, it's
hard to believe
474
00:19:49,868 --> 00:19:50,968
your word is
not enough.
475
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,734
I know what you mean.
476
00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:54,400
( quietly ):
I wish I didn't, but I do.
477
00:19:56,834 --> 00:20:01,968
I demand that you release
the three prisoners at once!
478
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,567
I must deny
your request.
479
00:20:03,601 --> 00:20:05,067
Is that so?!
480
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:07,367
Well...
481
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,834
if you say no, then it's no.
482
00:20:09,868 --> 00:20:11,033
Let's go.
483
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:12,901
Uh, sir, may I
remind you that, uh...
484
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:15,701
( phone rings )
485
00:20:15,734 --> 00:20:17,033
Major Bernsdorf.
486
00:20:17,334 --> 00:20:18,567
Who?
487
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:19,767
( German accent ):
Kinchmeyer.
488
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:22,667
General Kinchmeyer, Gestapo.
489
00:20:22,701 --> 00:20:25,133
Has, uh,
Colonel Klink arrived yet?
490
00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:26,634
Yes, he's here now.
491
00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:29,901
Good. You will release
the three prisoners to him--
492
00:20:29,934 --> 00:20:34,968
Calvelli, McPherson
und Hilgenbecker.
493
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,501
But, General Kinchmeyer,
494
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:39,501
I have no written authority
to release these men.
495
00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:43,000
You dare to question the word
of a Gestapo General?
496
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,601
Release the three prisoners
at once,
497
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:46,200
or you will suffer
the consequences.
498
00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:48,100
Heil Hitler!
499
00:20:48,133 --> 00:20:49,100
Heil Hitler, General.
500
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:54,100
I have received orders
to deliver these men to you.
501
00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:55,300
I will do so at once.
502
00:20:55,334 --> 00:20:58,501
I'm glad you see it my way.
503
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:00,400
( quietly ):
Oh, boy, am I glad.
504
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,501
Halt!
505
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:06,567
( speaking German )
506
00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:08,534
Here are
your three prisoners.
507
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:09,434
Danke.
508
00:21:21,334 --> 00:21:24,667
Put the prisoners
into the truck at once.
509
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:25,667
Jawohl,Herr Colonel.
510
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:27,334
Inside!
511
00:21:27,367 --> 00:21:29,501
Hey, look-- isn't that
that terrible Colonel Schultz
512
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:30,634
from Stalag 13?
513
00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:33,067
No, that's
the terrible Colonel Klink
514
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:35,367
from Stalag 13.
515
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,100
Don't send us back there,
sir, please.
516
00:21:37,133 --> 00:21:38,501
No, it's inhuman.
517
00:21:38,534 --> 00:21:39,667
We were happy here.
518
00:21:39,701 --> 00:21:41,334
We even had a tunnel started.
519
00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:42,534
All right, raus!
520
00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:43,701
Inside the truck!
521
00:21:43,734 --> 00:21:44,834
You heard the order!
522
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:46,367
Back, back, back,
back, back, back!
523
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,934
Back, back, back,
back, back, back!
524
00:21:47,968 --> 00:21:48,968
There you are, sir.
525
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,100
( Hogan speaking German )
526
00:21:50,133 --> 00:21:51,167
Three prisoners.
527
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,267
Very good.
528
00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:53,734
If you don't mind
my saying so,
529
00:21:53,767 --> 00:21:56,834
it's a highly irregular way
of conducting military business.
530
00:21:56,868 --> 00:21:58,634
Who do you think
you're talking to?
531
00:21:58,667 --> 00:21:59,868
But...
532
00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:01,567
I will tell you
who you are talking to.
533
00:22:01,601 --> 00:22:04,100
I am the famous Colonel Klink!
534
00:22:04,133 --> 00:22:06,033
The Iron Colonel.
535
00:22:07,634 --> 00:22:09,033
( quietly ):
Now he comes to life.
536
00:22:09,067 --> 00:22:10,200
Arrest this man.
537
00:22:10,234 --> 00:22:11,567
But, sir...
538
00:22:11,601 --> 00:22:13,667
Have him shot and sent
to the Russian Front.
539
00:22:13,701 --> 00:22:16,334
And believe me,
I can do it.
540
00:22:16,367 --> 00:22:17,767
SCHULTZ:
And what is more...
541
00:22:17,801 --> 00:22:18,934
Uh, sir, Sergeant
Schultz
542
00:22:18,968 --> 00:22:20,033
is waiting for you.
543
00:22:20,067 --> 00:22:22,634
...I am a very big man
with Sergeant...
544
00:22:22,667 --> 00:22:24,367
Schultz?
545
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,634
Auf Wiedersehen.
546
00:22:26,667 --> 00:22:28,634
Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel.
547
00:22:28,667 --> 00:22:31,000
You, uh, must come
to visit us sometime.
548
00:22:38,934 --> 00:22:40,934
Hey, Schultz, you were terrific.
549
00:22:40,968 --> 00:22:42,167
Yeah, you really
told that major;
550
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,467
send him to the
Russian Front.
551
00:22:43,501 --> 00:22:45,801
You gave him what for,
right and proper.
552
00:22:45,834 --> 00:22:47,601
Hey, Schultzy,
where did you get the...?
553
00:22:47,634 --> 00:22:49,567
Hey, Schultz,
what's the matter?
554
00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:50,734
Colonel, he's fainted.
555
00:22:50,767 --> 00:22:52,133
Blimey, so he has.
556
00:22:52,167 --> 00:22:53,434
There's one thing
in our favor--
557
00:22:53,467 --> 00:22:55,100
he was sitting down
when it happened.
558
00:23:12,467 --> 00:23:14,767
I told you,
sir, that they are not here.
559
00:23:14,801 --> 00:23:18,133
Calvelli, McPherson
und Hilgenbecker.
560
00:23:18,167 --> 00:23:19,267
KLINK:
There has never
561
00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:20,868
been an escape
from Stalag 13.
562
00:23:20,901 --> 00:23:22,133
Then I suggest
563
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:24,100
that someone is making a fool
of you, Colonel.
564
00:23:24,133 --> 00:23:25,267
Impossible.
565
00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:26,968
What's done is done.
566
00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:30,234
The fact remains
that an officer
567
00:23:30,267 --> 00:23:33,100
calling himself Colonel Klink
came to Stalag 4
568
00:23:33,133 --> 00:23:34,434
and took those men.
569
00:23:34,467 --> 00:23:36,634
Now, I was here
all last night
570
00:23:36,667 --> 00:23:39,534
in my quarters
listening to the BBC.
571
00:23:39,567 --> 00:23:41,300
I mean, the BBC Symphony.
572
00:23:41,334 --> 00:23:42,467
I have them on records.
573
00:23:42,501 --> 00:23:43,767
( chuckles )
574
00:23:43,801 --> 00:23:45,868
The man was over
six feet tall,
575
00:23:45,901 --> 00:23:48,868
weighed 300 pounds,
with very...
576
00:23:48,901 --> 00:23:50,868
military bearing.
577
00:23:50,901 --> 00:23:52,701
Well, that certainly is not me.
578
00:23:52,734 --> 00:23:55,667
And we have no such officer
in our camp.
579
00:23:55,701 --> 00:23:56,834
Very well.
580
00:23:56,868 --> 00:23:58,501
But I assure you,
581
00:23:58,534 --> 00:24:00,467
the investigation
will be continued.
582
00:24:03,534 --> 00:24:04,767
The nerve of him!
583
00:24:04,801 --> 00:24:05,934
You know, sir,
584
00:24:05,968 --> 00:24:08,000
the description
he gave fits Schultz.
585
00:24:08,033 --> 00:24:09,734
Coming here and...
586
00:24:09,767 --> 00:24:12,634
Schultz?
587
00:24:12,667 --> 00:24:14,167
Our Schultz, an officer?
588
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,400
( chuckles )
589
00:24:16,434 --> 00:24:17,667
That's ridiculous.
590
00:24:17,701 --> 00:24:19,167
Schultz an officer.
591
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,067
( chuckling )
592
00:24:24,067 --> 00:24:26,801
Colonel Hogan,
what happened?
593
00:24:26,834 --> 00:24:28,868
They're looking
for a man, Schultz,
594
00:24:28,901 --> 00:24:32,033
over six feet tall,
weight 300.
595
00:24:32,067 --> 00:24:33,300
Do you think
there's a chance
596
00:24:33,334 --> 00:24:34,534
they might find him?
597
00:24:34,567 --> 00:24:36,434
No, but just
to be on the safe side,
598
00:24:36,467 --> 00:24:39,234
why don't you go on a diet?
599
00:24:39,267 --> 00:24:41,901
Colonel.
600
00:24:41,934 --> 00:24:43,534
All right, men, fall out.
601
00:24:43,584 --> 00:24:48,134
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