All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s01e13 Hogans Hofbrau.eng

CBS presents this program
in color.

( theme song playing )

*

*

All right, Carter,
what did you see?

A panzer division--
16 Tiger tanks

and the supply trucks
right behind them.

And then the goon
took the glasses away.

Newkirk?

Well, LeBeau saw that and
another column as well.

Oh, easily a mile long.

Troop carriers,
support artillery

and a medical unit.

They went flying
down the road past that beer garden.

Hilda's Hofbrau.

Kinch?
I tapped Klink's phone line

and took the conversation down
verbatim.

That's why
he's a staff sergeant.

Oh, shucks, Colonel.

Newkirk, give me a hand
with this, huh?

( imitates Klink ):
Hello.

Colonel Klink speaking.

( German accent ):
Hello.

This is Captain Milheiser,
Adolf Hitler Division.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Sounds vaguely familiar.

Colonel, I will be coming
to see you today

on a matter
of the greatest importance.

Let me assure you,

any officer of the
Adolf Hitler Division

is always welcome
at Stalag 13.

Ah, very good.

Adolf Hitler Division, huh?

They made a lot of
trouble in France.

HOGAN:
What are they doing in this area,

obviously at full strength?

Kinch, put that information into
code and get it off to London.

Ask for further instructions.

Right.
HOGAN: The rest of you circulate,

see what you can find
out from the goons.

Right, sir.
Colonel?

One more thing
about that phone call.

As soon as Klink heard the words
"Adolf Hitler Division,"

he got scared.
I could hear it in his voice.

That's our commandant.

If they ever promote him,

it'll be to
Coward First Class.

SCHULTZ:
500 wooden spoons.

Correct.

700 kilos potatoes.

Check.

100 kilos black pepper.

Check.

Why so much black pepper?

It helps with the potatoes.

300 kilos salt.

Just a minute.

The next item should be
5,000 wooden plates.

Now, where is it?

Herr Kommandant,
I-I thought I had it here.

You thought you had it?

What did you use to think with?

Certainly not your head.

Find it.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

This inefficiency.

Sometimes I wonder
how we can win the war.

So, do I.

Oh, shut up.

Find it.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Excuse me, Herr Colonel.

KLINK:
Yes, yes, yes, what is it?

There are two officers here
to see you, sir.

Who are these people?

Is Stalag 13
a tourist attraction

for every officer
who passes through town?

Soon we'll be serving tea.

They're from
the Adolf Hitler Division.

Well, don't just stand there--
make some tea.

Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Welcome to Stalag 13.

Gentlemen,
please be seated.

Oh, what a pleasure
it is to meet you.

Schultz, out!
Dismissed!

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant.

Please, please.

We have no desire
to interrupt your routine.

Please, carry on.

Yes, Schultz,
please carry on.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Colonel, Leutnant Doenitz
and myself

are chairmen
of an organization

called
"Beautify Berchtesgaden."

"Beautify Berchtesgaden"?

What a lovely idea.

I am so glad you approve.

We have been taking donations

from all the officers
of all the services,

Leutnant rank and above.

Our objective is
one million marks.

Well, that doesn't seem too much
for a worthy cause.

Oh, then we may
count on you for help?

Of course.

There is an artillery regiment

five miles from here,
by the coast.

I know the commander very well.

He's a good friend of mine.

I will just make a call...

Yes, he, uh,
he gave us 3,000 marks.

And your name.

Yes, he's a very good friend.

Now, gentlemen,
I realize you would like me

to donate to this cause,
but unfortunately...

MILHEISER:
Wait, Colonel, please?

Doenitz?

Now, here we have
our white list.

And here we have
the black list.

Those on the white list
have given.

Those on the black list
have not.

Both lists will be presented
to the fuhrer.

The white list is filled.

The black list is blank...

until now.

We are just
a poor little POW camp.

Oh, come now, Colonel.

There is not little, uh--
how you say?--

hanky-panky going on

with the prisoners'
ration money?

Captain, I swear to you,

I have never taken
a single pfennig from...

Oh, well.

There had to be a first.

( grunts )

( speaks German )

Now, "Klink," no?

Yes, sir.

Corporal Wil...

I mean Colonel Wilhelm Klink.

Lo and behold,

Wilhelm Klink's name
led all the rest.

Gentlemen, please,
don't jump to conclusions.

SCHULTZ:
Here you are, you little devils.

Wooden plates, 5,000.

Belie-- 5,000?

5,000?

Thank you very much,
Colonel.

There has been some mistake.

You'd like to
give 10,000?

( chuckles nervously )

It's a mistake if you thought
I wouldn't want to give

to Beautify Berchtesgaden.

Your pledge must be redeemed
by the first of the month.

Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

5,000 marks.

I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.

"Sorry," he says.

You dunderhead.

You big mouth, you
big mouth dunderhead.

Herr Kommandant,
I-I just read the requisitions.

5,000 marks.

Herr Kommandant,
it is against the law

for an officer to strike
an enlisted man.

Strike you... no.

Shoot you, yes.

"Information on the Hitler
Division extremely valuable.

Job well done."

Hey, that's marvelous.

Wow.
Isn't that great?

( all talking at once )

If you fellas are finished
taking bows

I'd like to go on.

"More intelligence details
on the Hitler Division

"vitally important.

"Why in your area?

"Are they staging
for active duty?

"Which front?

Send answers soonest,
top priority."

CARTER:
Those guys are kidding.

How are we going
to get that stuff?

Yeah,
it won't be easy.

Blimey, sometimes I think
they forget we're prisoners.

I don't have any trouble
remembering.

What about that beer
joint near the crossroads?

Hilda's Hofbrau?

Yeah, if one of us
could get in there,

we might pick up
a few answers.

Who'd be crazy enough

to go into a place
filled with Krauts?

Me. Tonight.

After roll call.

I'll go out through
the emergency exit,

in uniform, of course.

Newkirk,
what have you got in stock?

Oh, if you'll
step this way.

Here we are, sir.

Gestapo, SS...

Guten Abend,
Herr Major.

Welcome.

Fraulein.

( with accent ):
The war seems to be going well.

Boys and girls,
you know.

HOGAN:
Yes, the boys seem to be winning.

There are no tables left
at the moment,

unless you don't
mind sharing.

With you?

Gentlemen, would you mind
sharing your table

with this officer?

Not at all.
Danke.

Beer, please.

For the gentlemen, too.
Thank you.

Right away, Major.

I'm Milheiser, and this
is Leutnant Doenitz.

HOGAN:
Gentlemen.

Major Hoople.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.

Luftwaffe in this part
of the country, Major?

Yes, Luft Stalag 13
down the road.

Oh, you are assigned
to the POW camp?

In a way, yes.

Temporary duty.

Coincidence.

We met your colonel today.

Kommandant Klink?

Yes, old blood and guts.

( both laughing )

That Klink
is a real tower of jelly.

Gentlemen,
if you think you've got

a true picture
of my commanding officer...

Yes?

...you do.

( both laughing )

Oh.
Ah.

Danke, danke.

Danke, Hilda.

To Hilda.
Ah.

Frau Hilda.

Mmm.
Eh.

Mmm.

Oh,
this beer is terrible.

It tastes good to me.

My last combat assignment,
there was no beer at all.

Really?

No, no, that wasn't
the worst of it.

The real problem was the cold.

You'd wake up in the morning,

you'd have to defrost your
toothpaste with a blowtorch.

Conditions are that bad
on the eastern front?

I didn't say anything
about the eastern front.

Perhaps not by name, but...

Is that where you're going?

Let us just say that
we are not moving west.

Then my deepest sympathy.

Major, could you tell us
something that might be helpful?

Doenitz,
that is enough.

There is such a
thing as security.

The captain is right.

Forget it.

Anyway, let's drink
to a soldier's best friend.

The Fuhrer.
The Fuhrer.

Fuhrer?

I'm talking about
long winter underwear.

Uh, Major, tell
me something?

Have you ever heard

of the Beautify
Berchtesgaden Fund?

No, I've been away.

We are raising some money
as a gift to the fuhrer.

Oh, say no more.

Gentlemen, how about, um...
say 500 marks?

Well, very generous.

Indeed it is.

Wherever did you get
such nice, brand-new bills?

I have a couple of men
who make them up for me.

Ah... ( laughs )

( all laughing )

HOGAN:
Of course, a fellow could do worse.

You're very attractive.

You have a nice business
going here.

Not after tomorrow.

I'm giving it up.

What?

You can't do that.

We need more information.

Information?

About you.

I mean, after all,
we've just met.

I can't manage alone,

and help is impossible
to get because of the war.

Is that all?

Oh, I can fix that.

You mean you could
get me a waiter?

Oh, that's no problem.

I will get you
a work detail of prisoners

from Luft Stalag 13.

Oh, that would
be marvelous.

Then I could keep
the place open.

That's the most
important thing.

It sure is.

Oh, Major, how can I ever
express my appreciation?

Take this down,
Kinch, and code it:

Stalag 13 to
Headquarters London.

Strong evidence
Adolf Hitler Division

moving to the
Russian Front.

Will try to obtain
absolute confirmation

and further details.

Sign that Hogan, got it?

Right.
Good.

I've got a lovely
old big mouth Kraut

at one of my
tables, Colonel.

He's telling his
girlfriend all about some new guns.

Good. Stay with it.
Right, sir.

Wiener schnitzel
with an egg on it.

Ordering: two
liverwurst sandwiches

on pumpernickel
with plenty of onion.

Liverwurst? Onion?
Barbarians.

If I get an order
for chicken à la bonne femme,

you'll be the
first to know.

LeBeau, I need a
double schnapps

and a lettuce and
tomato sandwich.

Lettuce and tomatoes
and whiskey?

Now, what kind of an order
is that?

It's for
a drunken vegetarian.

Germans.

Colonel, there's a
corporal over there

with a snow cape
in his pack--

the kind we use in the
ski troops, you know?

That settles it.

They're not going to spend
the winter in Miami.

Sacre bleu! Schultz.

Whoops.

Colonel, what
shall we do?

If I knew,
would I be sitting here?

Mind if I join
the party?

Just a minute.
You're a waiter. You're a soldier.

I never said anything
when you sat down, did I?

Waiter, ein bier, bitte.

Yes, sir.

And, uh, bring me
a little cheese.

It goes good
with the beer.

And, uh, I...

You!

Uh, cheese with the beer.

Right away, sir.
Now, just a minute.

What are you doing here?

And him?

And him?

Ach du lieber Himmel.

Hi, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan, you, too?

And wearing
an officer's uniform?

Achtung.

Please don't do that.

How did you get
out of the camp?

It's a long, dull
story, Schultz.

I want the truth.
Well, I could tell you we went out over the wire.

Over the wire?
But that wouldn't be telling you the truth.

Ja?
And I'd hate to tell you

anything that
wasn't true. So?

So forget it.
Okay.

Good that you did not
lie to me.

Now, what are
you doing here?

See that woman
over there?

That's Hilda.

She runs the place.

She's a widow.

Nice looking tomato.

With eight children.

Ah... so many kinder,
and she's so young.

She got an early start.

Look, if we
don't work here,

she's going to have
to close the place

because she can't
get any help,

and without any
money, those poor, innocent little kids

are going to go
without food. Oh, that's terrible.

You wouldn't
want that on your conscience, would you?

Oh, no.

I am a family man myself.

And you're also a great
humanitarian, Schultz.

Danke. I try to be.

Now, everybody out,

or I have to report this
to Klink at once.

You said you were
a family man.

Yes. My own.

Now, everybody back to camp.

All right, Schultz,
have it your way.

Only thing is you're
going to have to explain to Klink

how we escaped while
you were on duty...

but I'll get the
rest of the fellows.

No, w-w-w-w-wait,
Colonel Hogan.

You don't think I'd have a widow
with kids be without food.

Have the beer and cheese
sent outside.

Outside?

That way it's easier
to see nothing!

( groans )

Gentlemen, I realize today

is the first of the month.

You have the money,
of course?

Of course.

Well, I am very glad
to hear that.

Well... where is it?

I must draw the money
from the bank,

and I can't get away right now.

And you won't
get away later

unless you redeem
that pledge.

Not redeem?

Whatever put that thought
into your head?

You did.

You will bring it to us
at our headquarters in town.

Or this evening,

be at Hilda's Hofbrau
down the road.

Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

( scoffs )

Herr Kommandant, I...

Ah, shut up.

5,000 Marks.
I am finished, kaput.

A brilliant military
career gone after so many years.

Why didn't I go
to spy school when I had a chance?

They said I was talented.

Anything I can do,
Herr Kommandant?

Yes. Get me 5,000 Marks.

Wish I could.

I'm sure.

Believe me, Herr Kommandant,
I'm a poor man.

I even have no right
to be fat.

Well, there's no
use crying about it.

I must face things
as they are.

What are you going to do,
Herr Kommandant?

Do? Tell them the truth.

Tonight, I shall walk
into Hilda's Hofbrau with my head high

and I shall
confess to them.

I think, Herr Kommandant,
you are right to...

Hilda's Hofbrau?

You're sure of it?

He told it to me
himself.

That's bad.
It ain't good.

Your boys are not
to go there tonight.

It's too late, Schultz.
The boat sailed.

They've been gone
about an hour.

Donnerwetter.

He will see them,
and after he sees them,

he will come back and see me,
and after that,

no one is going
to see me again.

Do you think we could get
a message to 'em?

It's our only chance.

I'll wear the uniform
again and go out the...

emergency tunnel.

I'm sorry, Schultz.

I'd rather have it
that way.

Kinch, go get
the uniform. Right.

Now, listen carefully.
You've got to stall Klink.

We need enough time to get
everybody out of Hilda's.

But how-how can I...?

Oh, come on, Schultz,
if you don't,

we're in big trouble,
big, big trouble.

But how shall I stall
him? What shall I say?

You'll think of something.
You're a clever man.

Colonel Hogan, this is
not the time to lie to me.

Schultz, I'm leaving.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Now, there is a chance
I may not come back.

I may never be
heard from again.

Oh, no, Herr Kommandant.

If that happens,
you will have a new commanding officer.

Now, Schultz... help
him, give him a break.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I am willing. What shall I do?

Have yourself transferred
to another camp.

Oh, please, Herr
Kommandant, may I?

All right.

Schultz, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Herr Kommandant.

Herr Kommandant,
just a moment.

Your scarf, please.

All right, all right,
all right.

Herr Kommandant, please,
may I talk to you?

Yes, yes, what is it?

Herr Kommandant, please.
I have a problem.

That is the understatement
of the year.

According to regulations,
I am entitled

to discuss my problem
with my superior officer.

There is nothing I can say
that would help you.

I'm sorry, Hilda,
it cannot be helped.

But if you take
the prisoners away now...

It's an emergency.
I have my orders.

( squeaking )

Colonel...

Get the colonel.

Telephone call for Major Hoople.

Excuse me.

Hello, Major Hoople. Hello?

Psst! Psst!

Klink.

Go out the back door.

There is no back door.

I'll make one.

Um, stand up.

I'm going to march
you out of here

like we're going
back to camp.

Follow me.

Major.

Won't you join us, huh?

Don't panic.
Wait right here.

You know Leutnant Doenitz
and your colonel, of course.

Yeah, Colonel.
You?

You all know
each other?

Major Hoople is a very good
friend of ours.

Major who?

Not who, Hoople.

He has trouble with names
sometimes.

Hogan.

That's my first name: Hogan.
Hogan Hoople.

Where did you
get that uniform?

Oh, they've got a great little
army and navy store in town,

and they've got a special
this week:

30% off on tee shirts,

assorted colors.

What are you doing here?

I was just taking a work detail
back to camp.

A work de...

Oh, no.

I think I have a fever
after all.

Brought on by the fact

that you do not have
the 5,000 Marks, eh?

Captain, I have not been able
to get to the bank today,

but I assure you...

Excuse me, Colonel,
have you forgotten?

What? Forgotten what?

You sent me to the bank
for you.

I did?

I did.

It all seems to be here.

Five thousand.

Do you think a German officer
would shortchange you?

MILHEISER:
Well, thank you very much, Colonel.

Fraulein, beer
for everyone, please.

I'm terribly sorry, gentlemen.
I must be getting along.

What a pity.

Yes, I was beginning to enjoy

the major's company.

Some people can sit around
drinking beer.

I have a prisoner of war camp
to run.

Gentlemen.

Colonel Hogan, you are confined

to the barracks
until further notice,

and your men are sentenced
to 30 days in the cooler.

Now, Colonel...

And then you
will be arrested

as a spy wearing
a German uniform.

We only borrowed it
for a night.

And you, Sergeant Blabbermouth,

will answer to a court-martial
for this.

Well, that's
very unfair, sir.

Schultz was only trying
to help you out.

Let us work in the
Hofbrau to raise

your 5,000 Marks.
Is that true?

Whatever Colonel Hogan says.

He was standing guard
outside the Hofbrau...

and now you want to
court-martial him.

Well, that puts everything
into a different light.

I will have to give the whole
matter some more consideration.

Dismissed.

Well, that's one way
to skin a commandant.

Colonel Hogan, how
did you get the money?

Let's just say I had it made up
by native craftsmen.

Counterfeit!
Ach du lieber.

For this, Milheiser and
Doenitz could spend the rest of the war in chains.

We can only hope.

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