All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s01e11 Happiness Is a Warm Sergeant.eng

CBS presents
this program in color.

( theme song playing )

Well, howdy, friend.

Shh!

Howdy, monsieur.

Jeb Winslow, Captain,
4l9th Fighter Squadron.

I'm an American.

Oh, really?

Corporal LeBeau, Stalag 13.

You from that big old ugly
prison camp yonder?

Yes, sir.

We had a message
from the underground.

You got shot down near
Dusseldorf?

Some Kraut on the ground
got my gas tank.

I was coming down real fast,

just like a great
big bare-faced vulture,

strafing a train, when
all of a sudden that...

Shh!

Hey, Capitaine, is this going
to be a long story?

Huh?

Colonel Hogan
is waiting for you.

Oh, okay, Shorty.

Lead the way.

All right,
let's go.

WINSLOW:
Ooh-wee.

Imagine sneaking
into a prison camp

just so you can
sneak out again.

C'est la guerre, uh?

Hold on.
That's French.

I reckon so, stranger.

Well, howdy.

How'd you get him
through the tunnel?

Did you come by
plane or horse?

Oh, these here are my
good luck flying clothes.

Yeah, well
if Sitting Bull

gets in the war,
you'll be all set.

Uh, excuse me.

You're the first Texan

I've ever seen
outside the cinema.

It's quite a shock,
you know.

( chuckling )

Hey, Captain, how many
planes you shoot down?

Oh, nine for
dang sure.

Three or four maybes.

Hey, why don't we
all go home

and let him finish
the war by himself.

Hey, uh, Colonel,
how soon you reckon

I could get back
to my squadron?

Our radio man
is making contact

with a sub patrolling
off the coast right now.

Well, how about that?

They'll arrange
a rendezvous point

and pick you up
in 48 hours.

KINCH:
No, he won't.

We had a short,
blew out half the equipment.

We can't send or receive.

How long to fix it?

It's impossible.

We need new parts.

All right, we'll get
them for you-- make a list.

Got it right here.

WINSLOW:
You're all going to get radio parts

in the middle of Germany
with a big old war going on?

We got a contact
in town--

bartender at
the local hotel.

Fellas, I'm going
to need a volunteer

to go into town
to see the dentist.

Hmm, I see,
another stampede, huh?

I'm sorry, I can only
accept one volunteer.

Sir, I...

Thank you, Newkirk.

No, I was only going
to suggest Carter.

Oh, thanks, pal.

Nurse, will you assist him?

Yes, sir.

Now, if you'll
please open wide?

Open wide,
please.

This won't hurt.
This won't hurt.

Cotton.
Cotton.

There you are.

Now have a toothache,
and that's an order.

( indistinct mumbling )

Herr Kommandant, here they are.

I will finish
dictating

those reports later,
Fraulein Helga.

Very good, Herr Colonel.

You look beautiful
today, baby.

KLINK:
Schultz!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Now, Colonel Hogan,
a toothache, huh?

Your men seem
to have

a lot of dental
trouble lately.

I think it's the sawdust
in the bread, sir,

but I guess if you want
to make money on supplies,

you've got to do that.

Who told you
that we put sawdust

in the prisoners' bread?

A little bird told me.

That little bird

may soon be flying off
to the Russian front.

I said nothing,
Herr Kommandant, nothing.

( groans with disgust )

Does it hurt?

Oh, the pain
is terrible.

Let him speak
for himself.

( mumbling )

That's plain
enough for anybody.

Now, how did I know this
is a genuine toothache?

Open your mouth.

Ah-ha, mouth stuffed
with cotton.

That's to keep
the tooth warm.

Why, of course.

Don't you give me any credit
for having any brains.

I refuse to answer

on the grounds that
I might tell the truth.

( snickers )

KLINK:
Schultz!

If I agree to let him
go to the dentist,

what guarantee do I have
that he will not try to escape.

You have my word.

( mumbles )

He agrees.

I heard him.

All right.

I'll give him
a pass.

Now, Schultz,
you take him

straight to the dentist
in Hamilburg

and then straight
back here

without any detours,
understood?

Understood,
Herr Kommandant.

And you will stay
with him at all times,

even while
the dentist treats him.

Sir, the dentist
might pull his tooth.

So?

I can't stand
the sight of blood.

Imbecile!

How did you ever get
into the German army?

I think he lied
about his weight.

No, no.

The order was
straight to the dentist

and then straight back home.

Schultz, you can't
deny a man

a bit of schnapps before
a visit to the dentist.

It's inhuman.

Look, one drink.

One drink, now, come on.

You'll have a beer.

Ein bier.

BARTENDER:
Yes, sir.

And I'll have a wee
drop of whiskey.

Now don't worry.
Don't worry.

All right.

Hello, chum.

Wie gehts and all that.

Oh, that's that lovely
tub of beer for my friend.

A wee drop of
whiskey for me, please.

Whiskey, sir. Yes.

The good stuff, right.

( whispering ):
Radio parts.

We need them
right away.

Here we go then.

Ooh, this stuff looks
good enough to drink.

Ah... prosit.

Well, if you say so.

( slurps )

Ah...

Oh, this is good,
strong beer.

Nothing too good for
our boys in uniform.

( chuckling )

Is that an officer
back there?

Where?

I see nothing.

It's my mistake.

I'm a bit jumpy,
I guess.

Oh, don't scare me
like that.

Prosit.

Prosit.

Excuse me, sir.

What time does this train
get to Dusseldorf?

I'll let you know.

Thank you
very much, sir.

Ah...

Very good beer
in this place,

but the glasses
are terrible.

Thanks, chum.

Lend us a hand,
will you?

Come on, Schultz.

Come on,
the party's over.

Look alive, now.

You go to the dentist.
I wait for you here.

Been to the dentist.
Look, look.

The swelling,
it's gone.

Now, come on.

Send the bill to Klink.

( laughs )

Big shot, Klink.

Blimey,
he's a load.

I may have to roll
him back to camp.

( singing in German )

Hey, was
ist los?

Open up. Open up. Schnell.

Hello, Hans.

We went to the dentist.

We had a marvelous time.

You want Klink on us?

Ah, Kommandant Klink,
Mr. Big Shot.

Stop that. Stop that.

Stop that flipping noise.

If Klink hears us,

he'll make all kinds of trouble
for you tomorrow.

Shh.

Sergeant Schultz!

Well, here it is tomorrow.

Hello, Big Shot.

I mean jawohl,
Kommandant Big Shot.

I mean, uh... forget it.

Anything wrong?

Never mind, Hogan.

HOGAN:
I thought one of my men

might be in trouble, sir,

but I can see
it's one of yours.

Oh, this man

is obviously not well, sir.

Careful of
the fumes, sir.

On your feet, Dummkopf.

Request permission to fall flat
on my face if necessary.

Seven hours ago you left this
camp to go to the dentist.

Seven hours at the dentist?

It was a very
big tooth, sir.

KLINK:
Silence.

Now a prisoner has
to bring you back-- drunk.

Well, at least
Newkirk is sober.

Yes, sir.
Pity, ain't it?

I will be sober
by tomorrow, sir.

KLINK:
Oh, yes, Schultz.

You will also walk a guard post
outside the wire,

back and forth,
where it's cold and lonely.

But that will
only be temporary.

Thank you, sir.

Until the sergeant
who replaces you

arrives from headquarters.

And then our favorite
drunken fool

will be transferred
to the command

of some other lucky officer.

( groans with disgust )

Ach du lieber.

He's gone now,
Schultz.

It's okay to fall
on your face.

Ach du lieber.

* Ach du lieber... *

Old Schultz is really
suffering out there.

He looks like a Zeppelin
with empty gas bags.

I talked to him
a little while ago.

All he said was,
"Mein feet are killing me."

Colonel, do you think Klink
will really transfer him out?

I hope not.

It took a long time
to train Schultz.

He sits up and begs
for my strudel.

Yeah?

Who's this?

Herr Kommandant,
Sergeant Ernst Krebs

reporting for duty
as ordered, sir!

At ease, Sergeant.

There's your answer.

That's Schultz's replacement.

He barks like a ruddy seal.

Yeah, he looks
very G.I. to me.

Let's find out.

Try him on for
size, Carter,

but take it easy.

Okay.

KLINK:
Things run very smoothly

here, Sergeant.

We have never even had
an escape at Stalag 13.

Hiya, Colonel.
How's the boy?

Halt!

Is that the way you talk
to the commanding officer,

"How's the boy?"

Well, see,
we're old friends...

Come to attention!

Eyes front.

Salute.

Carter, this is
a new broom.

Well, sir...

Do as he says,
or this new broom

will sweep you
right into the cooler.

Yes, sir.

Sergeant Krebs, follow me.

Three days before we can get
a message to London, sir?

That's about the size of it.

Close it up down there.

We got bigger troubles anyway.

This new Sergeant
is a bloodhound.

If we lose Schultz
and get stuck with him

our whole operation
could be out of business.

Well, maybe we can tame him
if he likes strudel.

Come on,
it took us six months

to get Schultz
to look the other way.

And he's got no
character at all.

Watch it,
somebody's coming.

Scramble.

Hi, Schultz.

How are you?

Eight hours
I walked today.

Come on, sit down,
Schultz, rest your bones.

Oh. Aw.

You all
pooped out, huh?

Oh, I'm double pooped out.

I'm going to be pooped out
for the rest of my life.

And tomorrow I have
to walk again.

Oh, tough go, Schultz.

LeBeau, please,
could I have

some of the foot powder
the Red Cross gave you?

Sure.

One thing
I don't understand--

how could I get so drunk
on one glass of beer?

Never drink on an
empty stomach, Schultz.

You call this empty?

Cheer, up, Schultz.

Maybe they'll send you
to a good post.

Or maybe they're
going to send me to the Russian Front.

If they transfer you
close to home,

you'll be able to see
your wife more often.

All of a sudden the Russian
Front sounds very good.

Any of you fellas got
a cigarette for a buddy?

Yeah, here, old buddy.

Light?

Oh, here, here.

Well, I'll see
you men all later, huh?

Hold it.
Hold it.

Who is this?

Captain Jeb Winslow.

Guten abend, buddy.

Nice to meet you.

Well, auf Wiedersehen, y'all.

Halt. Hold it.

Schultz, what about
another cup of coffee.

Go away.

A nice cup
of foot powder?

Ah-ha, Winslow.

He was never on
the roll call.

Schultz, he's only
passing through.

Ah-ha, a spy.

In uniform?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There was a plane shot down
near Dusseldorf the other day.

They got my gas tank.

I was coming for
a strafing real...

All right, Captain,
pipe down.

This is my lucky break.

How do you figure that?

Well, if I turn him in to Klink,

he's going to tear up
my transfer papers.

Good thinking, Schultz.

Yeah, my feet
might be dead, but not my brain.

Fine, and when Klink
starts to figure out

how he got into camp while you
were Sergeant of the Guard,

you get a chance
to use your brain again--

at your court-martial.

Please, don't confuse me.

Face it, buddy,
you're up the creek.

No matter what I do,
I cannot be smart.

But I have to turn him in.

Go, go, go.

Schultz, we'll work a deal
with you.

Forget you saw him,

and we'll get rid
of Sergeant Krebs.

That way Klink
will have to keep you.

How can you do that?

We'll think of something.

But, but, but...
Klink already signed

my transfer papers.

Corporal Langenscheidt told me.

He signed them,
but they never left camp.

How do you know?

Mm-hmm.

"Name:

"Schultz, Hans.

Rank: sergeant, grade one..."

Radio? You found a radio?

That's against regulations.

Shh. I wouldn't
tell you this,

except you're a new man,

and I'd like to see you make
a few points with Klink.

Where is this radio?

Yeah...
( chuckles )

Homemade.

That's the best kind.

Somebody will get
the cooler for this.

It works on a battery.

Very clever.

Klink will love
you for this.

Sehr gut.

I won't forget it.

I know you won't... pal.

So, our new broom,
Sergeant Krebs, sweeps again.

Danke, Herr Kommandant.
I try.

I shall start
an investigation right away.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Obviously homemade.

It is amazing to me

how ingenious these prisoners
can be when they try.

Jawohl, that is true, sir.

Yes...

very ingenious.

Hello. Hello, Colonel.

Can you hear me?

Hello.
Colonel Hogan.

This is Kinch.

Can you read me?

Hello, Colonel.

If you can hear me,

the tunnel is too near
the surface.

Hello, Colonel.

Colonel. Hello.

Are you sure this is
the spot, Sergeant?

Ja, Herr Kommandant.

He was talking to someone
under the ground.

Incredible.
Simply incredible.

Kommandant...

step over here.

You can still see his
handprints in the dirt.

Ah-ha, now we're
getting somewhere.

Confirm pickup point
M-12, 48 hours.

Well, the Lone Ranger's going
home to his squadron, men.

How do we get him out
of camp, Colonel?

The emergency tunnel.

With Sergeant Krebs
on our backs every minute?

Mm-hmm.

Yes, what do we
do about him?

Every night he does
a little listening

outside
the windows, right?

( all agreeing )

Tonight he's going
to hear something,

and then we'll be on
his back for a change.

Hey, Newkirk, I just
spoke to the colonel.

What's up?

LeBEAU:
Tomorrow night.

NEWKIRK:
Tomorrow night? Where?

LeBEAU:
From here.

Let me see if I've
got that right.

Tomorrow night from here?

Hi, fellas.
What's cooking?

Shh.
Shh.

LeBeau just got the word.
Tomorrow night.

CARTER:
No kidding? Tomorrow night?

LeBEAU:
From here.

CARTER:
No kidding?

Tomorrow night?
From here?

Check.

Check.

Check.

Check.

Guten tag.

Oh, hi, Sarge.

Hey, listen, I'm really sorry
about that trick radio.

Why, the guys really
pulled a fast one on me.

Ja, ja, well, I
give you chance

to make up for that.

I, uh... I need
some information.

What do you mean?

I've heard a rumor

there is something on
for tonight.

Do you know anything
about this?

You mean like an escape?

Possibly.

Where do you come off asking me
a question like that?

Just because
I turned a radio in,

don't think I'm going
to rat on my buddies.

Now, you get this straight, pal,

I'm no fink
and don't ever forget it.

Take it easy.

What a nerve.

Oh, by the way, Sarge,

if I don't ever see you again
after tonight,

it's been a real pleasure
knowing you.

He's posting the guard.

HOGAN:
All right, he'll be here in a minute.

He'll stick with us,
you can bet on that.

Everybody got
the plan straight?

Yeah, the captain gets
in the tunnel and waits.

As soon as the alarm goes,

I guide him through
to the woods.

Right. Now make sure
Krebs is out of the way

before you move.

Carter, you and LeBeau
get in my office

as soon as you can.

We'll use the window
to get out. Right.

Ah-ha. I'm going back
to little old England.

And next time
you're captured,

find yourself
another POW camp.

He made me barbecue
K rations for him.

Americans.

He's moving this way.

All right, Lone Ranger,
hide in the tunnel.

Hi-ho, Silver.

Newkirk, get started.

Right.

Now, let me show
you a trick.

All right.

This one is always
a crowd pleaser.

Take a card.

Guten abend,
gentlemen.

Put it back.
I don't want to see it.

I don't want to see it.
Okay.

All right?
Yeah.

Very quiet
this evening, huh?

Right.
Go ahead.

Oh, that's fabulous.
How do you do it?

Evening. Evening.
Oh, that's great.

Oh, how's that...?

Hello, hello,
hello, hello.

I thought there
was one missing.

That's too much!
Too much!

I tell you, this man's
a walking deck of cards.

Can you believe it?

Let me show you.

You'll like this trick.

Do that again.

Come here.
Now watch this.

I want you to take
any card at all.

Come here,
any card at all.

Any card.

Don't let me see it.

I don't want
to see it, right.

Right, put it back,
put it back.

I put it back.

Just remember it,
right, put it back.

Mix them up.
There you go.

I'm going to think
of that card.

Think of that
card. Right.

Cut 'em once.

That's your card,
isn't it?

Listen, there must be
a trick to that, huh?

Oh, I never said there wasn't
a trick to it, did I?

Do it again.

Was it the eight
of diamonds?

Ja, it was the
eight of diamonds.

Isn't that fantastic?

Do it-- do it again.
Do it again.

Do it again.

Okay, all right.

You have nothing
up your...?

Halt.

Hold it, Schultz, it's only us.

What are you doing here?

We're escaping, buddy.

And you're going
to catch us.

I am?

Then Klink forgets the transfer,
and you're a big shot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start yelling,
Schultz, for the dogs.

SCHULTZ:
No, no, no.

With my luck, nothing works.

Some people.
You try to help 'em, huh?

All right, you guys
start yelling.

Commandant!

Quiet. You'll wake Klink up.

Quit making trouble. Quiet!

( shouting )

( alarm blaring, dogs barking )

It must be an escape.

An escape?

Kinch!

( all shouting )

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet!

( alarm blaring, dogs barking )

What is this?

We were to trying to escape,

and this rat, Schultz,
caught us.

Yes, Herr Kommandant,
this rat, Schultz, caught them.

If not for him,
we would have made it.

Bah. Cochon.

Boy, a guy hasn't got
a chance with him around.

KREBS:
Herr Kommandant.

Herr Kommandant.

Herr Kommandant,
there has been an escape.

Thank you for that interesting
news bulletin, Sergeant.

Happy landings, Captain.

Thanks, old buddy.

See you in Fort Worth.

( rebel yell )

Why didn't you know
about this, Sergeant?

Sir, I had information

the escape would take place
from the barracks.

I was watching there.

You fool, that
was a diversion.

This is the real escape.

I'm sorry,
Herr Kommandant.

Being sorry does not
prevent escapes.

You are hereby
relieved of duty,

and you will be
transferred out of here at once.

Dismissed.

Schultz, you will resume
as Sergeant of the Guard.

Now, your transfer
is being revoked.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

HOGAN:
Colonel, I protest.

This man is inhuman.

He's a monster with eyes
in the back of his head.

And the pair
in front ain't bad either.

Silence.

Gentlemen, your protests
are music to my ears.

We need men like
Sergeant Schultz

to maintain the reputation
of Stalag 13.

Schultz, Hogan is confined
to the barracks,

and these two idiots
get two weeks in the cooler.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Congratulations,
Schultz, we did it.

Right, we got your
transfer canceled.

( chuckles )

All right, let's go!

One wrong step and I'll shoot.

Get him, will you?

How quickly they forget.

Back! Back! Back!

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