All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s01e08 Movies Are Your Best Escape.eng

CBS presents this program
in color.

( theme song playing )

All right,
we got you in.

Good morning.

Morning, Colonel.

Flight Lieutenants
Ritchie and Donner.

Hi.

They've been checked out,
sir.

Good morning, sir.

Shot down near Dusseldorf.

Came in through
the emergency tunnel last night.

We were flying reconnaissance.

Caught a bit of flak,
I'm afraid.

Knocked us for six,
so we scarpered.

Scarper-- translation:
they bailed out.

Thanks.
Coffee?

Sit down.
Thank you.

Well, the Germans might
have seen your parachutes,

so they'll be looking for you.

We'll keep you here
until the heat's off, huh?

We heard you chaps were expert
in the escape business.

We have our moments.

We're rather anxious
to get back to base,

even if it means
a bit of risk.

Right. Our squadron plays
the Royal Engineers next week.

Hate to miss that.

You want to get home
for a ruddy cricket match?

Fascinating.

There'll always be
an England.

( laughing )

Into the barracks,
everybody.

Into the barracks.

Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!

Hey, watch it,
watch it.

Goon's coming.

Come on!

Into the barracks,

I said raus, raus...

Rrr-rrr...

You, too!

Raus, raus,
raus, raus!

Everybody into the barracks
until further notice.

Schultz, what's going on?

I know nothing.

Nothing.

Some Kraut colonel
just came into camp.

Oh, you are so ignorant.

Colonel... it's a general.

General Von Kaplow.

I know nothing, nothing!

Schultz, Schultz!
What's he doing here?

You would like to know,
wouldn't you?

Even if I know what the General
has chained to his wrist,

I wouldn't tell you,
and you know why?

Because...

PRISONERS:
I know nothing! Nothing!

Jolly jokers.

A Wehrmacht General
with a briefcase.

Now, why would
he stop here?

Carrying secrets,
maybe?

Could be.

I think I'd better
go find out from Klink.

How are you going
to do that, Colonel?

Lebeau, get out
your very best recipes.

They say the way
to a man's big mouth

is through his stomach.

We shall do everything
to make you comfortable, Herr General.

That's very kind of you,
Colonel Quink.

Klink.

I'll try to remember that.

Comfort is important,

but I have chosen to stay here
for security reasons.

Oh, my dear General,
this is Stalag 13.

You need have no worries
about security.

I always worry.

That's why I am a general
and you are a colonel.

Ha, that's good.

I must remember that.

( laughing )

Hi, honey.

What's the General doing
in there with Klink?

The only reason
you kiss me

is to get information
from me.

Come on, honey,
that's not true.

There are other reasons.

For openers, I'm a man,
and you're a woman.

Mmm.

That's about all I remember
from those training films.

What about the General?

The only thing I know
is that he pinched me.

At least we know
what he likes.

Easy boy, down now.

Sir, Colonel Hogan,
Senior POW officer reporting.

How dare you!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know
you had company, sir.

How dare you break
into my office?

You were confined
to quarters.

Well, you see, sir,
I was...

Out!

You will be punished
for this.

Herr General, I must apologize
for this rudeness.

Out!
Wait.

What is the problem?

Uh, sir, you see,
today is one of our national holidays,

Repeal of Prohibition.

The fellows
were preparing a gourmet dinner,

and they asked me
to invite our lovable commandant

to join
in the festivities.

Colonel Hogan, you know

I never fraternize
with the prisoners.

Out!

Just a moment.

Just a moment.

A gourmet dinner
in a POW camp.

It might be amusing.

It might be amusing.

We would be honored
if the General would join us, too.

Very well, I accept.

Very well. He accepts.

All right, fine.

Shall we say 7:30?

7:30.

7:30.

In your quarters?
In my quarters?

Why not?

Why not?

All right,
come as you are.

We're terribly
informal here.

General...
Colonel.

Excellent...
excellent.

Mmm, very
delicate flavor.

I am so pleased you
are enjoying that, General.

We are not totally uncivilized
here at Stalag 13.

Schultz, you want
to lick the pot?

Yes.

Mmm!

Das schmecht gut.

You're a better cook
than my wife.

Merci.

You're also
better-looking.

( both chuckling )

More wine, my dear?

More wine for the General.

More wine
for the General.

More wine for the General.

Oh, I beg...
Clumsy oaf!

Dummkopf!

HOGAN:
Oh, well, accidents will happen.

Just take a moment
to clean up.

Make sure you pick up
every bit of glass.

Yes, sir.

Oh, good help is so hard
to get these days.

Good help?

KLINK:
Oh, you see, Herr General,

he is a prisoner
who has to be here anyway.

So, he refers to him
as...

That's very humorous.

Ja, very humorous.

KLINK:
You know, this is really delicious.

I once had a meal

at Stalag 9.

It was dreadful

compared to this.

Really?

KLINK:
I believe that the prisoners ate better

than the Commandant
and his officers.

Colonel Hogan, if you
had not been captured,

what would you be doing
right now?

Oh, probably bombing
your headquarters.

( Kaplow laughs )

And if you
should escape?

I can assure you, he won't.

KAPLOW:
As an officer, it is his duty to try.

Also keeps me
out of trouble.

I got most of it, sir.

I just need a dustpan
to finish up.

So... a fine meal

and good company.

Thank you.

So, shall we adjourn
to the living room?

To round out a perfect evening,

I was hoping that the Commandant
would favor us

with a bit of music.

Oh, yes, a violin solo,
Herr Commandant.

Ah, you're a musician?

Well... in a small way.

Oh, he's so modest.

Behind his back the men call him
Papa Heifetz.

They do?

Amongst other things.

Oh, do play for us.

Just one number?

Oh, really, I'm not prepared.

Well, if he can't,
he can't.

If you insist.

He can. He can!

You won't believe
what he does to a violin.

( tuning violin )

( Klink plays
melancholy tune )

What's that noise?

Somebody is strangling a cat.

It's our beloved
Commandant.

He's having a go
at the violin.

You'd better
get in there and listen.

Old Klink would love that.

You think so?

Oh, you'd probably
get an extra day's leave.

Oh, I could start
right now.

Go...

lights...
camera... flash!

Un, deux, trois...

( applause )

Wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, Colonel.

Thank you. Now shall we...

Do you know
"Melancholy Baby?"

Is that Mozart
by any chance?

No chance at all.

Oh... well, I have
another little number

that is very
well received.

Good, good.

General leave
for Berlin yet, Colonel?

Yeah, and I wish he had taken
Klink's fiddle with him.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hold it.

These are the battle plans
of the Fourth Army Group.

Attack plan, reserve strength,
air support,

intelligence reports...

Hey, we've got to get this stuff
to London, but fast.

Hey, Colonel,
send them out with our two RAF cricketers.

Sure, use
the emergency tunnel.

No, there's too much
German activity near the exit.

What would make the Germans
loosen up?

Four or five
well-placed hand grenades.

Look, they're winning.

What if they thought
they were losing?

Now, how do you
manage that?

This will take real
organization.

Newkirk, I need two Wehrmacht
uniforms for the RAF men.

Right, sir, I'll get
their measurements.

Carter, what are the boys
in the metal shop working on?

Reversible tie pins.

On one side it says
"Heil Hitler."

On the other, "I was in
Switzerland during the war."

Put a hold on the tie pins.

I want them to make
a dummy movie camera,

realistic as possible.

Okay.

All right, look, we go to work
on the goons tomorrow.

We're selling an idea,

so we've got to attack them
at their weakest point.

ALL:
Schultz!

Who else?

Here he comes!

All right, gentlemen.

Now the first thing is,

I don't want you
to be discouraged

by the complexity
of the Russian language.

What I want
you to do

is learn a few
essential words.

Now... the first word
we're going to learn

is tovarich,
which means friend.

It's an obvious way
to greet someone.

Okay, now let me
hear you repeat it.

ALL:
Tovarich.

Very good.

Oh, hi, Schultz.
Come on in.

Hello.
Now...

What-what-what-
what are you doing?

We're learning
a little Russian.

Good-bye.

Schultz,
what's your hurry?

It wouldn't hurt you
to learn a little Russian, you know.

What for?

Well, I mean, suppose
they liberate Stalag 13 before the Americans.

Th-they are coming?

Could be.
Good-bye.

All right...
Who told you?

Oh, that's a professional
secret. I'm sorry.

Aha! You have
a radio hidden.

You were listening
to a broadcast.

You know it is verboten.

If the Commandant finds out,
you all go to the cooler.

What did the radio say,
tell me?

The Allies are winning
on all fronts.

Hamburg is in ruins.

Berlin is a shambles.

Oh, boy, no matter what we do,
we can't win a war.

All right...

now, the next two words
are "da" and "nyet"

meaning "yes" and "no."

Now, let me hear you
say "yes" and "no" in Russian.

ALL:
Da... nyet...

Da. Nyet. Da. Nyet.

Da. Nyet.

Da. Nyet. Da...

We the undersigned,
POWs of Stalag 13,

certify that Sergeant Schultz

has been a humane
and considerate guard of this camp.

We ask that he be
treated accordingly

when the Allies
occupy Stalag 13.

Type that up and have
everybody sign it.

Will do.

Schultz, you like that?

Beautiful, tovarich.

I could cry.

Berlin is in ruins,
and Hamburg is a shambles,

and the Russians are going
to liberate the camp any minute.

How do you know all this?

I know nothing, nothing.

If you know nothing,

where did you get
this information?

Once in a while,
I know something.

I see.

The letter, please?

Letter?

I have no letter.

I swear, Herr Commandant.

I... have a letter.

All wrapped up in this
neat little package.

I need a few more signatures.

This is a terrible thing
you're doing, Schultz.

You're a traitor
to your country.

You're a traitor
to your uniform,

and to my command.

Yes, Herr Commandant.

Dismissed!

Would you like me to get
you one of these?

Get out of here!

( Kinch with German accent ):
This is Radio Berlin.

We interrupt our daily music
for a special announcement

from Supreme Headquarters.

Our beloved Fuhrer will
address the German nation

on a matter
of the highest importance

this evening at 2100 hours.

It is hoped
that all Germans will listen

to this special broadcast...

or else.

So you are organizing
a Stalag 13 orchestra, huh?

Yes, sir. The Red Cross
supplied the instruments.

Love to have you as
first violinist, sir.

Well, I don't know, I...

I mean, the men are
insisting, sir.

I'm flattered.

I mean, of course,

we'd love to have you
as soloist,

especially at
our first concert.

Let me think it over.

I mean, nothing elaborate.

Maybe four or five numbers

ending with
"Stars and Stripes Forever."

That's an unusual request.

Oh, it's almost time
for the Fuhrer's speech.

You may stay and listen to it,
Colonel Hogan, if you wish.

Thank you, sir.

I, uh... wouldn't want
to miss this.

KINCH:
And now, here is our beloved Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, himself!

( cheering and applause )

( with German accent ):
Germans everywhere, guten Abend.

Your Fuhrer speaks to you
tonight live from Berlin.

( cheering and applause )

I'm happy to report
that the war

against the enemies of our
beloved Third Reich goes well.

( cheering and applause )

It is possible that
you've heard rumors

that Berlin is in ruins,
Hamburg is a shambles and so on.

I order you not to believe these
things even if they are true.

We are winning.

Always winning
against the enemy.

Yet, at the present time,

certain negotiations
are under way

which will come as a great
surprise to the Fatherland,

but no matter what happens,
we will all be together.

( cheering and applause )

In conclusion, I say,

tighten your belts,

work hard,

fight dirty,

and no matter
what happens

keep smiling.

Keep smiling?

He tells us
to keep smiling.

Uh, Colonel,
about our orchestra?

Not now. Not now.

We are winning the war.

But negotiations have started.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Hitler's like everybody else.

He has his moods.

Of course.

Probably had one of his
temper tantrums this morning.

Yes, perhaps he had
a bad day at Berchtesgaden.

But you can never tell.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you go along

running the toughest camp
in Germany

and suddenly one day
you look out

and through the gate
comes a Sherman tank

with its peashooter pointed
right at your monocle.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

And then out steps
a second lieutenant,

19 years old, 6'4"

a high school senior
from Wichita, Kansas.

And he says,

"Sir, you are my prisoner!"

Very correct,

and if you move,
he shoots you.

Colonel, I'm going to play
in your orchestra.

Thank you, sir.

You are sitting in my chair!

Sorry. I got carried away.

I'd get rid of that German
helmet if I were you.

It's got that "Hun"
feeling about it.

And you don't have to worry

about going to
the Russian front.

The Russian front's coming here.

Did we convince Klink that
he's losing the war, Colonel?

All I can tell you is

he's practicing
his surrender speech right now.

Let's go over
your routine.

Right you are.

( with German accent ):
We are a photographic unit

with orders to shoot pictures
of Stalag 13

for our military archives.

Right-o.

( with German accent ):
Our car broke down a few miles from here,

and we have come along on foot.

Now, you go through the motions,
take the film,

then tell them
you need a car

to get back to your
headquarters, right?

KINCH:
Colonel. Oh, Kinch.

London just
confirmed the plan.

They'll be picked up
by our sub tonight.

Great, great.
Stand by the radio.

All right, gentlemen, look,

you're going to take out
the documents as negatives

inside this camera.

But I say,
what if we're caught

and Jada gets the camera?

Anybody tries to open
the magazine

without first pushing
the safety... kaboom!

I see.
Understood, sir.

Okay. Now, go out the door
casually and go about your work.

Right you are.

Heil Hitler.

Heil... heil.

A film of Stalag 13?

Those are the orders, Colonel.

We are making pictures of all
the prisoner of war camps

for military archives.

But I've heard nothing
about this from headquarters.

Well, that is
understandable.

Things are a little confused
in Berlin these days.

Please don't tell me any more.

Yes, Hogan?

I couldn't help
overhearing, sir.

This is a great break
for you, sir.

It is?

Oh, sure, a movie
of friendly Stalag 13,

where never is heard
a discouraging word.

With lovable Commandant Klink.

Forget that kid
in the Sherman tank.

Yes, yes, yes.

This will be
documentary proof

that you've been a humane
guardian of Allied prisoners.

Excellent.

That's an excellent idea.

Gentlemen, you may proceed.

You have my fullest cooperation.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel.

Thank you,
Colonel Klink.

That will be fine.

Just a minute,
just a minute.

You haven't got a complete
picture of Stalag 13 yet.

Now, there is another side
I want you to photograph.

Just a moment.

Cut. Very good.

That was an
excellent idea, Colonel.

That's all we need,
thank you.

Just a moment,
just a moment.

This is only the beginning.

Now, let us move
the camera over there.

Well, sir,
don't overdo it.

If you don't mind!

A star is born.

After you get this shot,

tell the ham
that you're out of film,

you need a car,
and get out of here.

Right you are.
Yes, sir.

Oops.

We got trouble.

I say, do we make
a run for it?

Don't panic.

Play this thing by ear.

Get out of here.

Right-o, sir.

What an unexpected
pleasure, Herr General.

Just on my way back
from Berlin.

Couldn't wait to see my little
friend, Fraulein Helga.

I thought perhaps we could have
one of your excellent dinners.

Herr General, you have just
returned from Berlin.

Are things really as bad
as they say they are?

Things were never better.

The Wilhelmstrasse
is busy with the war,

and we are celebrating
victories on all fronts.

But what about the rumors?
The rumors!

Without rumors,
there would be no war.

But the Fuhrer's speech
last night.

He hinted there might be
negotiations.

Perhaps it was a trial balloon.

Hitler loves to confuse
his enemies.

Then we're not losing the war?

Losing?

( chuckles )

I've already made a hotel
reservation in London.

Just a minute.

There will be no more
pictures taken here.

I will personally
destroy this film.

Oh, wait.

Good move.

You know this is
probably a trick

by the Gestapo
to test your loyalty.

But why?

They're jealous.

You're too efficient.

Here, let me take
this for you.

There, now...

Here, take that.

I'd get rid of these guys
if I were you.

Exactly.

But fast.

Captain, you and your assistant

get out of here at once!

But Colonel,
our car broke down.

Schultz, requisition a car
and a driver from the motor pool

and take the Captain
and his assistant

wherever they wish to go.

Jawohl, Herr Commandant.

Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler and get out.

Imagine the nerve of these men
coming here with that camera.

Oh, you handled it masterfully,
sir, masterfully.

Thank you.

Colonel Hogan, I have
decided not to play

in your prisoners'
orchestra.

I may, however,
do a solo

over the loudspeaker
system.

Well, if I were you,

I'd wait until the General
leaves, sir.

Why?

I mean how would it look,
a mass escape while he's here?

Now, don't tell me you can't
find my violin, Schultz.

Herr Commandant, I was
looking for it everywhere.

You will search every inch
of this camp again,

and you will search it
until you find it.

Jawohl, Herr Commandant.

( knocking )

Come in.

You sent for me,
Colonel?

Yes. I'm missing my violin.

Now, I want every...

Not anymore,
you're not.

Why, thank you, Colonel.

Where did you find it?

Oh, it's a long story.

I will personally put this
under lock and key.

Why did you have
to find it?

Now he's going to
play it again.

If he does,
he'll have to blow into it.

( both chuckle )

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0