All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s01e04.eng

CBS presents this program
in color.

( theme song playing )

All right, three minutes
till roll call.

Let's make sure
we're squared away.

Olsen, what's this?

Dynamite's buried there,
Colonel.

How far from the
railroad station?

400 yards.

And the train
is due when?

3:16 this afternoon.

Newkirk, how
does he get out?

Rides out with the dogs,
Colonel, in the truck.

How's the truck get out?

Carrying the dogs
that are out looking for Olsen.

After you report him as missing.

During the diversion.
Which is set off when, Carter?

When you give the
signal, raising the bill of your cap.

Like this.

It's a pod, Colonel.
Ain't no sweat.

What do we do
for an encore?

You're good.
You're all very good.

We work together good.

So good, in fact, you're
beginning to pad your parts.

Having so much fun,
we're beginning to ad lib.

Well, hear this.

All I want
is a simple diversion,

a simple escape
and a simple dynamiting

of an ammunition train.

Stick to the script--
is that clear?

Guard coming, Colonel.

All right, Olsen,
get your gear together, get ready and go out.

Now...

this is a woman.

W-O-M-A-N.

What is this?

This is a lecture I have to give
every six months, Schultz.

It's army regulations.

Ah, ah, ah.
I don't believe you.

You want to know what
we were really doing?

No! I want everybody out,
out, out, out, out, out!

All right, some
other time, Schultz.

Roll call! Everybody out
but you, Colonel Hogan.

Kommandant Klink wants
to see you in his office.

It is urgent.

All right.

Trouble, Colonel?

Yeah, I'll be able
to handle it.

Look, uh, change the signal
for the diversion.

When you see me come out of
Klink's office, that'll be it.

Then Olsen takes off and blows
up the choo-choo train.

When you come out
of Klink's office, that's it.

Yeah.
What if you get held up in there?

I'll tell him
we have a train to catch.

Colonel Hogan, does the name
General Von Platzen

mean anything to you?

Von Platzen...

Yeah, the Inspector General.

Inspector General of the armies
of the Third Reich.

Now, he is due to arrive here
any moment.

Here? Why wasn't I notified?

Why should you be?

Why shouldn't I be?

I, of course, have no anxiety.

Everything at Camp 13
is in perfect order, perfect.

Up till now, that's true.

But I am well aware,
Colonel Hogan,

there is nothing
you and your men would not do

to try to undermine
my position here,

even to have me replaced.

Replace you? Are you kidding?

We'd do anything
to keep you here.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

I am not a vain man,
so do not try flattery.

You would like
someone less strict, less vigilant,

less efficient,
is that not so?

No, you suit us just fine.

Ah! My record is perfect.

In over 200 attempts, not
one successful escape...

but I warn you... during
this inspection visit,

I shall keep my
eyes upon you, so do not try anything.

Is that clear?

Sure, it's clear.

It just may be a little
too late, that's all.

What do you mean?
( knocking )

Herr Kommandant.

Did I ask for you,
Langenscheidt?

Kommandant Klink,

General Von Platzen
and his party are here.

Here? Where? How?

Just outside the building.

I gave strict instructions
I was to be notified

the moment they
came in the gate.

Now, I will find those
responsible and...

Did you say just
outside the building?

On their way in,
Herr Kommandant.

Every hair in place.

Out!

Oh, I'll wait here.

Out!

General Von Platzen,
Colonel Klink reporting, sir.

Colonel Klink, ja.

Things look very good here,
ja, ja, ja.

Very... very good indeed.

Thank you, Herr General.

May I present Colonel
Hogan, senior officer of the prisoners of war.

What? Who? Oh, ja, ja.

As long
as you're inspecting, sir,

I'd like to complain
about the food here.

Ah, you are confused, Ogan.

I am his inspector general,
not yours.

Yeah, well,
it's Hogan, sir.

Under international law,

I could stay right here
and make a list.

If the prisoners do not complain
about the food,

then I know
there is something wrong.

You have passed
your first test, Klink.

Shall we go outside?

Well, by all means,
Herr General.

I will inspect
your personal staff later.

Come, Brogan.

Uh, Hogan, sir, and I
don't go outside much.

I have a chest
condition.

Out!
Out!

Out.

Raus, everybody, raus!

Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes!

Everybody, raus!

Raus, everybody, raus!

Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes!

Raus, everybody, raus!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, everybody, raus!

Raus, everybody!

Eins, zwei, drei, vier,

funf, sechs, sieben, acht,

neun...

( explosions )

B-l7's.

Barbarians!

Now they're bombing
prison camps!

It is our leader's fault.

He told us that German soil
would be sacred.

What am I saying?

I think it's a
thunderstorm.

( explosions )

Any more firecrackers,
Carter?

Yeah, one more.

Oh, person'd think there's
a war on, wouldn't they?

Hey, Schultz! Schultz!

I think we got
a man missing.

Who cares?

It's all over.
There's been an escape.

It's Olsen, Schultz.
He's gone!

Did you have to tell me?

I beg to report.
A prisoner is missing!

Sound the alarm!
Let loose the dogs!

Get on your feet,
you cowards!

( alarm ringing )

The truck with the dogs.

After them! Go!

What'd you do that for,
Colonel?

It's a complicated war, Olsen.

Thanks.

Now, let us see
what we have here.

Explosions...

escapes...

cigars?

It is locked.
Allow me, Herr General.

Oh, ja, ja, ja.

So, you... you keep
them locked up?

It's a very interesting
trait of character, Klink.

They are...
my little prisoners.

Excuse me, Herr General,
would you wish me

to take all this down?

As you wish.

Mainly, you just sit
there and look pretty.

Thanks, I will.

Not you.

Oh, sorry.

Do you have an
explanation for these, mm...

occurrences, Klink?

It is a plot to discredit me,
Herr General.

This man would do anything
to have me removed.

I have never trusted him.
Never.

Well!

What steps have you taken,
Klink?

The escapee, Sergeant Olsen,
is in the cooler for 30 days.

The entire camp
will be punished

by having their exercise period
canceled for three weeks.

The barracks
are being torn apart

in a search
for further explosive.

Further...
This man is an inhuman beast.

Ah... and your explanation,
Colonel Dugan?

Hogan.

For the boom-boom
and all of that?

A legitimate
escape attempt

by men tortured beyond the limit
of their endurance.

Ah, so... a strange coincidence

that it should occur
during my visit.

To be honest with you, it was
a slip-up in our intelligence.

You were plotting
against me.

And your-- how would
you say it-- your, um...

grandstand gesture
in stopping the escape,

from our side, of course,
very commendable.

Thank you.

From your side,
you would be a fink.

That's show business.

You see, Herr General, he admits
that it was play-acting.

Colonel Klink.
Yes, Herr Inspector General?

In Berlin, your record has been
under review for some time.

There have been
unfortunate occurrences, yes.

20 years in parade,

longer than any colonel
in the whole German Army.

Were I given
my Luftwaffe pilots back,

instead of having to deal
with men

like this!

20 years
with an efficiency rating

one degree above miserable...

until... you were put in charge
of Camp 13.

Herr Inspector General,
I take full responsibility

for the shameful happenings
here.

It is a stain
upon my honor,

and I realize the Inspector
General has no other choice

but to relieve me of my post.

Klink, do you realize what has
been going on in other camps?

What is going on?

Wholesale
escapes, breaks,

tunneling like gophers.

Only in Camp 13
have there been no escapes.

You mean I'm to be retained?

No.

No?

No?

You're making a big
mistake, General.

Get off my side.

Colonel Klink, when I get back
to Berlin, I shall recommend

that you be
transferred there,

and be put in charge...
of all prison camps.

You have finally found
your niche.

You can't do that!

Why not?

Congratulations, Klink.

And, of course, you will bring
along your personal staff.

KLINK:
Of course, Herr General. Thank you, Herr General.

I am most gratified,
Herr General.

General?

Ja, Colonel, um...?

Fagin.

Ja, Colonel Hogan,
might I say

that it was your hostility
and fear of Colonel Klink

that convinced me
he was our man.

Now, you wish
to make a statement?

I don't think so.

Sometimes, I just talk too much.

At ease.

All right, all right,
so I blew it.

If I told you once,
I told you a thousand times,

don't overdo it.

Don't oversell, right?

Then I went out and did it.

It's everybody's fault,
Colonel.

We made him look
too good.

Right.

Now we have to go the other way.

Make him look bad.

How hard can that be?

Blow up his headquarters?

No, no, think small.

Just enough to louse
up the promotion.

Set fire
to his headquarters.

Think small.

Inspection party on the way,
Colonel-- Von Platzen and Klink.

All right, look, we
don't have a chance

to plan this thing.

LeBeau, get down to
Tunnel Number Four.

Put Plan Alpha into action,

right next to the ventilator
in the barracks, right?

Now, remember we're going

to have to wing this
thing, so keep it small.

Right?
Right.

Achtung! Attention!

Colonel Robert Hogan,
senior officer

of the prisoners of
war reporting, sir.

Ja, ja. We have met, I believe.

You may stand at ease,
gentlemen.

So, Colonel Klink,
shall we review your troops

for the final time?

For the final time,
Herr General.

Jawohl.

Jawohl.

Oh, oh, excuse me, sir.

You've got a bit
of a loose button there.

I notice these sort of things
in my line of work.

It's tailoring,
you know, sir. Tailoring.

I'll fix it up for you
right as rain.

Don't worry...
Take your hands off me!

Take your
hands off him!

There's no call
to get huffy, governor.

Where's my monocle?

It seems to be in my
hand, Herr General.

Does your hand need a monocle?

I believe I have an
explanation for this, sir.

( turns on radio )

No, I haven't.

MAN ( on radio ):
This is the overseas service

of the BBC with a...

What is this?

Herr General.

Schultz!

Where is that radio?

They didn't tell me.

Find it at once.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

KLINK:
Hogan.

Hmm?

Where does that voice come from?

...the evaluation
of yesterday's raid...

From the accent,
I'd say England.

( clattering )

( radio continues playing )

( turns radio off )

So, a model camp,
Klink.

Explosions for arriving guests,
a funny kommandant.

And now prisoners
tuned into the BBC?

Maybe you could get them all
weekend passes to London?

Hey, as a matter
of fact, General...

Silence!

General, I can assure you,
I will find that radio,

if Sergeant Schultz will have
to take the barracks apart

by tearing out each nail
with his teeth.

VON PLATZEN:
I hope so, Klink, for your sake.

Shall we go before they decide
to steal my wallet?

Nobody leaves the room.

I can assure you,
Herr General...

I am getting very shaky
from your assurances, Klink.

Search everybody.

Search!

Search the prisoners.

What are you doing?

Herr Kommandant,
sometimes they...

KLINK:
I assure you, Herr General, I...

I assure you, Klink,

pickpockets to be running
our prison camps,

we don't need.

Herr General, I...

Uh, by the way,
Kommandant,

I haven't had a chance

to congratulate you
on your promotion.

( grunts in frustration )

They're headed
in the right direction, Colonel.

Figure about ten
feet more, huh?

KLINK:
But everything else is in perfect order, Herr General.

Everything else...

What is it?

A tunnel is what it is.

( chuckling )

Get me out of here!

Herr General, I
do not understand.

Take your hand
off my wallet!

Boy, you're a shrewd one,
General.

You discovered our tunnel.

So, you admit it.

I shall trace it back

to whatever barracks
it came from,

and the guilty men will
be put in the cooler

for at least six months.

As a matter of fact, sir,
it comes from your headquarters.

Just thought it was easier
that way.

So...

This camp, Klink,
this camp is a black page

in the glorious history
of the Third Reich,

which I shall report
when I get back to Berlin.

I certainly hope
this won't stand in the way

of your promotion, sir.

How you must hate me.

You did what to his staff car?

Oh, it'll still
run, Colonel,

if you push it.

What made you think
of taking out the motor?

Well, you told us to
think big, Colonel.

Or was it small?

We even went too far
with the tunnel bit.

Now, what happens when
Von Platzen gets in the car?

We got the starter wired
to this little gadget...

I know that.
What happens to Klink?

Yeah, you got a
good point there.

All right, all right,
this is what we've got to do.

Carter,
got into a German uniform.

I need another German.

How about me?

Don't be funny.

LeBeau.

Newkirk,
fix him up with a uniform.

Kinch,
get over to the motor pool.

Requisition another staff car.
Right.

Carter, what made you think
of taking out the motor?

I guess because
it was there.

Perhaps the
inspector general

could spend another day,

just to see
how smooth things run here.

Another day here, and
I would order you shot.

Perhaps I could write a letter
to the inspector general.

I would first soak it
in water, then bury it.

Herr General.

Is there nothing
I can do?

Pray.

Drive on.

( hissing, explosion )

Klink,
you are trying to kill me.

I could not be more fond of you
if you were my brother.

Schultz, see what it is.

M-M-Me?

Yes, you, now.

It is only a smoke bomb.

Good.

Any damage
to the motor?

What motor?

I assure you,
Herr General, I...

Klink, do you consider yourself
competent enough

to undertake the task
of arresting yourself?

Jawohl.

Arrest myself?

Only until I get back to Berlin.

Then I will have professionals
arrest you.

But I assure...
Do not assure me.

Order a staff car
to take me back to Berlin.

Schultz, a staff car.

Jawohl.

Uh, I think I see
one coming now.

Who asked you?

No one, it's just
that he may get luckier

with the next staff car.

What do you mean?

But I...
Forget it.

I've changed my mind.

Have the car drive me
to the railroad station.

Usually, things run
very smooth here.

Drive on.

Well, looks like
you're one of us now.

( grunts in frustration )

The peculiar thing is,
I don't even hate you.

I feel somehow beyond that.

You're big, sir.

Very big.

Were I in your position,
I would've considered it my duty

to get rid of a kommandant
as hard,

as coldly efficient as I am.

The only thing is,
you did it.

Colonel Klink...

But even now,

my career gone,

my life hanging
by a thread,

I don't hate you.

Perhaps had we met
at another time,

another place, we might
have even become friends.

But it is all over now.

Colonel Klink,
you've read Napoleon, of course.

Naturally.

Napoleon?

Of course.

Uh, what did he say?

He said that the commander
who almost daily

commits his life and his career
to the fates of battle

will time and again
find himself in situations

where all seems lost.

Yes, yes.

But the commander who will alter
the course of history

will never lose faith
in a mysterious something

he thinks of as his star,
his destiny.

He will think of a miracle,

and his star
will carry him through.

Yes.

Uh, but what miracle could
possibly save me now?

Think that the train
will blow up.

The train will blow up?

Only if you believe.

And you'd better
do it quick.

I believe.

Once again.

I believe.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

( explosion )

What was that?

Sounded like a train
blowing up.

A train blowing up.

My star.

Either you got it
or you haven't.

You've got it.

( knocking on door )

Oh, hi, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan.
Huh?

Colonel Hogan,

Herr Kommandant demands
that I find the radio

even if I have to take apart
the barracks,

nail by nail,
with my teeth.

It's all right with
us, Schultz, Go ahead.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan.

It would make things
so much easier

if you would find
the radio for me.

Any radio.

All right. Sounds
reasonable enough.

Kinch, help him
out, will you?

KINCH:
Sure, Colonel.

Come on.

There you are.
Take your choice.

Sheesh.

That will do.
Oh.

And Colonel Hogan...
Yeah?

...many thanks.

That'll be $26 American
money, Schultz.

What? $26?

It's only ten above cost.

You want us
to make a profit.

Oh, you are profiteering
by the war.

Look at it this way--
it's tax deductible.

That's different.

( sighs )

Eins, zwei...

ALL:
Drei, vier,

funf, sechs...

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