Original subtitles

"Dear diary,

"I was never that girl who was into fairy tales.

"I always thought Snow White was boring.

"Rapunzel was kind of a slut.

"And Cinderella was certifiably insane.

"I know I've technically been complicit in a few murders,

"but... at least I don't talk to rats.

"But now I know

"the real reason I never liked fairy tales

"is because they always end in the wrong place.

"Who cares about the dress and the slipper and the ball

"and the talking animals?

"I wanna see after 'happily ever after.'

"I wanna see Cinderella and the Prince fight.

"I wanna see them tear each other apart

"and put each other back together again.

"Then, and only then,

"will it truly be a fairy tale.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

_

_

_

She ruined the play.

I heard it was terrible, terrible.

- She threw up all over Amita. - Oh, my God.

Everybody's talking about it.

Hello, Heather.

We've been waiting for you.

Heathers?

This is Heather.

- Hi, Heather. - Hi, Heather.

Hi, Heather.

Now, Heather, you had something to share.

Well...

I feel betrayed.

My prot?g?, who I literally made,

stole my spotlight.

- It's not your fault. - Trust no bitch.

- I know. - Thank you, Heather.

Who's next?

Well, I'm here because I'm having some issues

with my career.

My brand got trashed.

And then I had this starring vehicle,

and that fell apart because of witchcraft.

So it's like,

what's my thing? You know?

Just let it out.

You'll get through this, girl.

You always do. Thank you, Heather.

Who's next?

Okay, fine, I'll go.

I'm here because I hate my friends.

One best friend tried to kill me.

Then my other best friend killed herself

without even running it by me.

And my third best friend ruined my reputation

and fat-shamed me.

I mean, what is wrong with everyone?

And do you have something to share, Heather?

Well...

I am amazing.

I'm perfect. I have it all.

And yet, my oldest friend, Heather Duke,

basically...

Basically made fun of me.

So I guess that's why I'm here.

I mean,

what have I ever done wrong?

So do we all see a pattern here?

There's a common thread in all of these stories.

Jealous bitches?

Ignorant plebes?

Broke-down, stank-ass queefs?

No, Heathers.

The problem is you.

- What? - Me?

- Are you kidding me? - How is that even possible?

How could I be the problem, troll witch?

What are you saying?

I'm saying, maybe it's time you faced it.

We Heather Chandlers are having all of these problems

not because of other people,

but because...

we are not a good person.

Not a good per...

This bitch. I swear to God.

- Look at me, I am a victim. - Are you joking?

You do not know who you're fucking with.

It's true, I've been there.

I was where you all are now,

but I changed.

And I know there is a way out.

The road to being a good person is long.

But the first step starts with making amends.

- Apologize? - To who?

To everyone you've ever hurt.

But that could take years.

I'm sorry, but it's the only way.

The first step starts with saying...

"I'm sorry."

Don't you think Heather M would be proud

- of how far we've come? - _

Heather Chandler's a total pariah.

I'm the most popular kid in school.

And you finally learned how to apply foundation.

Thanks, Heather.

Okay.

Fine, a...

And you and JD are still going strong.

I wonder what I'll wear to your wedding.

Something tasteful but that still makes me

the center of attention?

Yeah.

Well, if I ever get married,

just promise me you'll wear all black,

'cause that'll be my death.

Mm, just, like...

JD and I are too in love to do

something as lame as marriage.

That's for normal people.

And... well, JD and I aren't normal.

He understands me.

I mean, it took a little work, but...

now we're finally on the same page.

More than I ever thought possible.

Veronica, I was hoping all the sex you're having

would finally deep-dick the quote of the day out of you,

but I guess not?

Even the famous Heather Duke wit can't bring me down.

You wanna ditch gym and go get slushies?

Only if you'll come out with me tonight to celebrate

Heather M's birthday.

Oh, do you wanna go to Gondalo's?

Heather loved that place.

Gondalo's?

Heather M wouldn't want us to celebrate her birthday

over chips and upchuck con queso.

We're seniors.

She'd want us to spend her special night

doing something she truly loved.

Going to a bar and getting older men to buy us drinks.

I'm sorry I called you a moldy, potato bug orgy.

I'm sorry I told you you were adopted

before your parents had the chance.

I'm sorry I told you

you couldn't pull off French braids. No one can.

but I shouldn't have singled you out.

I'm sorry I made you change your name to Maurice.

It's okay, it suits me.

I'm sorry I got your mom fired

from the pretzel stand at the mall.

I'm sorry I told everyone you slept with those

two hatchet-faced bitches who work at the pretzel stand

at the mall.

I'm sorry I got your mom fired

from the pretzel stand at the mall.

I'm sorry.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm trying to be a better person.

You are sick.

What kind of wicked game are you playing, Heather?

Heather, just hear me out.

Heather, I'm sorry for pantsing you

at the Sizzler in fifth grade.

I'm sorry I sold your underwear to the Japanese.

And I'm sorry I told everyone I have a bigger dick than you.

That's only true metaphorically.

I'm sorry I created an online account

in the voice of your weird mole thing.

And I'm sorry it has 43,000 followers.

And I'm sorry I gave an interview to "Slate" about it.

So that's it?

You're sorry.

Yes.

You, Heather Chandler,

are suddenly a better person?

I'm trying to be, yes.

What day is it?

- Friday? - Mm, and?

It's Heather M's birthday.

Oh.

Oh, should we go to that toilet water Mexican place

she loved, like old times?

You didn't even remember Heather M's first birthday

after her suicide.

All these other twist ties,

they may have fallen for your little apology tour.

But you haven't changed.

Heather M died, and you don't even have

the decency to wear black.

So go have fun at Gondalo's alone, Heather.

I hope Heather M is looking down at you from heaven,

judging the shit out of your hairline.

Brianna.

If you're gonna hit me, please do it below my waist

where I can't feel anymore.

I'm sorry I yelled at you for trying to kill yourself.

And I'm sorry for yelling at you for being nice to me

after the show.

And I'm sorry for nicknaming you Trailer Parker,

which, while hilarious, was not very nice.

It's okay, Heather.

- Really? - Yes.

Forgiveness is one of my favorite things.

It gives me this warm feeling inside.

Jesus died so that we could forgive...

Organized religion is a disease.

I mean,

thank you for accepting my apology.

Did you know Heather McNamara?

Today was her birthday.

Of course I remember her.

She would bully me several times a day.

Oh, right.

And I always appreciated

how funny she was when she would humiliate me.

I mean, sometimes, you get bullied,

and it's just plain mean.

But she would always add something clever to the mix.

So I'm thankful for that.

Would you like to come with me

to her fave Mexican restaurant tonight?

I wanna honor her.

A sit-down food store?

Oh, yes!

Great.

So this is Gondalo's.

It's a dump, but they serve booze to minors,

so Heather loved it.

I feel like I'm in Spain already.

I'm just gonna operate under the assumption

that you don't understand doing things ironically,

so just order the quesadilla,

and, I don't know, like it, I guess?

Heather M would always eat five bites of one on her birthday.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You know, I think I can make your hair work.

We'll have to shave it off and then burn it, of course.

- But... - Heather?

Let's do a shot in honor of Heather M's birthday.

Two banana Schnapps.

And yes, we're over 21.

And thank you, we know we don't look it.

Feels like just yesterday I was yelling at Heather

for being a slut.

I miss her.

To Heather.

To Heather.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Which one of these assholes do you think

Heather would've been into?

The poorest one with the least amount of prospects?

Oh, mon Dieu.

Look who's over there with that

bootleg Heather McNamara-looking thing.

Mr. Waters?

What a piece of shit.

Ugh, poor girl.

She needs a mani, not a pedo.

Didn't he learn his lesson the first time?

If I actually cared about other human beings,

I would take him out back

and make sure he's never a menace

to the girls of Westerburg again.

I love that.

Everyone in that room killed Heather.

Heather McNamara and Mr. Waters to the office.

I was thinking if there was more I could've done...

What is happening? Why are you touching me?

Oh, um, so sorry, um, reflex.

I was gonna say grace. Do you mind?

Okay.

Dear Jesus, I know you don't have much time

to think about me anymore and, despite my love for you,

have seen fit to take the use of my legs,

but you have mercifully left me with a working tongue,

which I intend to use to enjoy this delicious meal.

Thank you, Lord. Amen.

My prayer came true!

We'll take this whole column. Thank you.

No, I'm fine with the chips and the tomato water.

Oh. You're afraid of ethnic food.

It's okay, it's just the same four ingredients

- in different combinations. - Mm, it's not that.

I had this kind of food in Guatemala.

Wai...

- You've been to Guatemala? - Mm-hmm.

As a kid.

You know, missionary work.

Digging wells, giving out medicine.

Oh, I didn't realize that poor people

could also do charity.

Of course, silly.

There's always people you can help.

And these people are truly poor.

Poorer than you?

And you still believe in God? Wow.

I mean...

Sorry.

That's great that you help people.

Um, Heather, can I get something off my chest?

- Um... - You know, even though

my cable is scrambled,

I have seen several segments of the movie "Carrie."

And so I think I have an idea of where this night is going.

I just ask, if you're gonna dump some

manner of pig blood on me,

please do it after we eat.

What?

You think I'm gonna "Carrie" you?

Wh-wh-why would you think that?

I just assumed since...

I'm a fucking good person, you bitch.

Oh.

Here. Let me prove it to you, hmm?

I'll let you take a selfie with me.

Give me your phone.

Get on in here.

Okay, here we go.

Cheese.

- I think I got it. - Eek!

Could you post it? I'm out of minutes.

I'm sorry, I literally don't understand what you're saying.

Becca, love is just an idea.

A theory.

An antiquated one at that.

You know what love is? Ownership.

I know you don't want that, right?

Give me your car keys. I'll claw his eyes out.

Love is a concept developed by the visually privileged

that seeks to control others.

You're too beautiful to be controlled.

- I think I should go, I... - No, no, come on.

Just one more drink.

Two whiskies.

It's just that I don't really feel comfortable

- in places like this. - Huh.

I guess I thought you were a good person, Rebecca.

But maybe I was wrong.

I mean, you said you'd have a few drinks with me,

but I guess you lied.

It's fine, it's okay. You can go.

I just didn't really peg you as a liar, that's all.

No, no, no, no. I mean, I-I...

Sure.

I guess I could have another.

Oh, great.

Your makeup's messed up.

Go fix yourself.

Bye.

But babe, if I objectify you, that's a compliment.

It's Kurt.

Because I love beautiful objects!

Well, what if I died tomorrow, hmm?

Then you'd feel bad. Of course you would.

Besides, I miss your cute little mouth.

I'll be right back.

Hey, you don't know me,

but that guy you're with is a really bad dude.

Oh, he's harmless.

No, look, I know that you think that,

but please believe me when I tell you that you're wrong.

You are in danger.

You just need to go straight out that back door

and go home.

He means well.

I saw him put something in your drink.

- What? - Yes.

- Just now. - Shouldn't we call the police?

Yeah, in Sherwood?

They're just gonna find some way to blame you.

Well, I wouldn't want him to hurt some other girl.

Don't worry. It won't happen again.

I promise.

What a bitch.

And I put sunscreen on all over my body every day.

Can I have some of this? And then, I would've... mmm...

I can give you, like, a whole...

Heather, we're going.

But I'm talking to Barbara.

Mm. She's a poet.

Good luck.

Whoo!

You know what I love about you, Veronica?

You don't give a shit what anybody thinks.

You will boldly walk around school with those split ends,

and you don't care.

Oh, you should get a platinum bob.

I want that to be your hair journey.

Where are we going?

I-I want a grilled cheese. Why are we stopping?

Just stay here, okay?

There's something I have to take care of.

Huh.

Today marks the anniversary of the day

that this leafy suburb was rocked

by the murder of a little girl.

A murderer dubbed "The Croquet Killer."

Why have the Sherwood, Ohio, police

let this case go unsolved for so long?

Well, you know what?

If the local police won't do their job

and find this monster who's killing our children...

then I will.

That's right, Sherwood.

You can sleep tonight,

because someone is finally doing right

by little Lucy.

We are digging up that little girl's dead body.

We're digging it right up, fresh out of the ground.

And trust and believe, when we test that DNA,

we will find the sick and twisted individual who did this

and bring them to justice.

Shit.

Greetings and salutations, my dear.

I thought tonight was your girl's night out.

Change of plans.

What'd you have in mind?

We're young, we're free.

Let's make out, get slushies,

and avenge Heather M's suicide.

I know Maui is pretty developed,

but it's the only place with half decent sashimi.

I hope I get to see the ocean before I die.

Okay, time to run. I'll meet you in the parking lot.

- It's fine... - You go that way.

- I'll wheel through the kitchen. - Trailer. I-I mean, Brianna.

I'll pay.

- Wow. - It's my dad's card.

He wouldn't send me to Tokyo this year,

so he can choke on my charges.

Thank you.

Other than the state of Ohio,

no one's ever purchased a meal for me before.

Really?

Maybe I am a good person.

Of course you're a good person.

You're confident. You're direct.

You don't care what anyone thinks.

And anything you put your mind to,

you achieve it.

You would be surprised how many people disagree with you.

Honestly...

they're jealous.

Heather, the reason why you think you're so much better

than everyone else is because you are.

Brianna...

you are my Guatemalan well.

Do you drink?

- I don't know if the Lord... - Allows it?

Uh, yes.

Jesus bought wine for the bible people, right?

- I guess so. - Great.

Then we're getting margaritas.

Cadillacs.

Cheerio, asshole.

Whatever it is you're thinking of doing,

it's not too late to stop.

What am I thinking of doing, Mr. Waters?

Mr. Waters?

You're a student.

So you're young with a bright future.

Look, whatever your feelings are about me right now,

don't throw away your life on this.

Hmm, maybe you should've given that speech

to Heather McNamara.

Heather...

I loved Heather.

Heather was your student,

so love should have nothing to do with it.

Heather wouldn't have wanted you to do this.

She loved me too.

Speaking of love,

maybe a knife through the heart

is how you're gonna decide to kill yourself.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't have to do this.

Heather was one of the only good people in this town,

and now she's gone.

And I blame you.

Babe, you wanna do the honors?

No, no, babe. This is your thing.

You should do it.

No, no, you should get to do it.

I insist.

You're so good to me.

I just, uh...

I'm really proud of you.

Shit.

You're both going to jail, you sick fucks.

Veronica, I need a grilled cheese...

You're that low-grade skeeve!

That's for taking away my only lesbian friend.

You know how hard it is to find one of those?

Hey, freaks.

Mm, I'm starving.

Heather had a lot to drink tonight.

She's not gonna remember any of this, I swear.

What a pedo.

Ugh.

Ah.

I love this bitch.

Aw!

I get lost

In your eyes

And I feel

My spirits rise

And soar like the wind

Is it love that I am in?

Help me...

Can't find my way

If salvation seems worlds away

Oh, I'll be found

When I am lost

I'll be found

In your eyes

You know what?

From now on,

I'm gonna start hanging out with real people.

No more friends just because they're smart or hot

or cool or interesting, no.

I want real people.

Like you guys.

I mean, Heather Duke wouldn't set foot

in a corn dump like this, let alone dig a well.

You mean Heath?

He has dug a well. Several wells.

- With me. - What?

In Guatemala at vacation bible camp.

Heather Duke was a Christian?

Oh, no, he was just down there shooting a commercial

for my church's special camp.

He wanted it for his reel.

Conversion therapy saved my marriage.

Now I can focus on what really matters.

Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala.

Conversion therapy, it just works.

_

Thank you, Jesus.

Brianna, as my new best friend,

I'm gonna need you to text that to me right away.

Come on, let's get you to the sofa, okay?

Okay.

Veronica.

I'm, like, sad.

Here, you want some cookies?

I miss Heather M.

She was, like, edgy and hot

and, like, dumb.

Yeah, I know, I miss her too.

But I think we would've made her really proud tonight.

Mm.

To Heather.

Okay, to Heather.

Let me tell you a secret.

Okay.

Heather Chandler...

is a bitch.

Okay, let's just get you home, okay?

I hate her. Tell me you hate her.

No, I don't hate Heather.

Why?

We have to hate the same people.

That's what friends do!

Heather...

Mm...

Heather.

"Dear cruel world,

I could no longer live with myself."

"I was imprisoned... "

"By my improper love for teenage girls."

"But that's not the only reason I must end it all.

"I can no longer live with the guilt

"of murdering that poor little girl eight years ago.

"My only solace is in the knowledge that tonight,

"the parents of young, little Lucy will finally rest well

"knowing The Croquet Killer

no longer haunts this mortal coil."

Beautiful.

You ready to go?

Mm-hmm.

Mm, I need coconut water.

You're gonna make such a good mommy.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Good night.

Night, Heather.

Now I can focus on what really matters.

Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala.

Conversion therapy, it just works.

_

Now I remember what I forgot to do.

_

Oh, I see.

Bride of Chucky wants to play games, huh?

Conversion therapy saved my marriage.

How'd that Ursula-looking pork bun get this?

... for the poor in Guatemala.

Conversion therapy, it just works.

No...

And the best part about it was he deserved it.

Sherwood is safer now.

Because of us.

- Okay, JD. - Babe, don't you see?

The world has failed.

Assholes, bullies, pedophiles...

Society failed to get rid of them.

But we... you and I...

are succeeding in taking out the trash

the garbage trucks won't pick up.

Can't we just have one night where...

where there's no "society," no "weight of the world"?

Just you and me.

Hmm. I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just feeling a little superior tonight.

No more.

Okay?

We're done with all that for good now.

Of course.

Okay.

I gotta go study for my chem exam.

Hey.

Good luck on your exam.

Chemistry is my favorite subject.

_

Today we will finally learn the true identity

of The Croquet Killer.

Hold on.

Hmm? What?

Son of a... I can't...

Well, y'all, it's just as I suspected.

There has been an astonishing turn of events.

I'll tell you... Bill, can we pull up a picture

of this human excrement?

This man left a suicide note

confessing that he murdered this little girl

and begging her parents for forgiveness.

Well, it's a little late for that, creep!

Luckily, the residents of Sherwood, Ohio,

can sleep tonight knowing we have finally caught

the Croquet Killer.

I'm Lexi Anne.

More on this startling revelation in a moment.

Let's wrap it up, boys.

Put her back.

_

Veronica.

- P?t?? - Honey.

Veronica is a vegetarian.

Mmm, that's great p?t?, Dad, but I gotta motor

or I'm gonna be late for homeroom.

Bye.

Oh.

It only

Takes a moment

To be loved

A whole

- Life long

- _

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0