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This is one of my favorite spaces in the White House.

We call it the Colonnade.

I've filled it with beautiful art that holds special meaning

to my husband and me.

This is where I first met the President.

And this is a bust of Ms. Heather Chandler of Sherwood, Ohio.

It reminds me of the first time I watched my husband attempt a murder.

And this is Butcher's Bridge.

The very spot where I knew for the first time

that I truly loved the President.

It's also the very spot where the President betrayed me,

and then lied about it.

As a role model, I have a duty to set an example

to women all across our great nation,

so they know that lies and betrayal of any kind are unacceptable.

And can never happen again.

Dear Diary, so the doctors told me they can only keep JD against his will

in what's called a mental hold for three days

and it had to be for a good reason.

He blew up his car. A Porsche.

Damn, he's the craziest one in here.

So, I guess JD has three days to make up for what he did.

Three days to learn how to be a proper boyfriend.

Good morning, Sunshine.

And we're doing...

a one, two, three. Noose.

One, two, three.

Razor blade. One, two, three.

Drink poison and... splits.

And bang. Shoot yourself.

Epic. Heather, play your cards right and you could end up in my shoes one day.

Excuse me. I won't do splits.

All great dance numbers end with splits, Heather.

I just don't think Sue E. Cyde would do them.

-It feels unmotivated. -She's about to kill herself, Heather.

Of course, splits are motivated.

Or is it because our actress can't do them?

Heather. Do you know who's coming to our preview?

Amita. Amita and her massive social media footprint.

I know who Amita is, Heather.

Then you know that one post to her 600,000 followers

takes me and my campaign to end suicide to the next level.

And you know that with Amita coming,

we have all the more reason for our lead to do splits.

Maybe we need a new choreographer.

Someone who gets art.

Or maybe we need a new actress.

Bang.

Heather, using a gun in school is a very serious issue.

-Who is Heather? -Me.

I don't understand.

We need to expel her. Is that your preferred pronoun?

For old people, my preferred pronoun is don't talk to me.

Why is his name Heather? Why would his parents name him Heather?

I thought we were supposed to say "they."

You know, I find "they" to be very confusing.

Whatever it is, we need to expel them.

-Them? There are two now? -No, we're talking about her.

-You just said "them." -Well, we mean him.

-Don't call him "him." -Can you believe her?

I thought we weren't supposed to say "her"?

-I meant her, not them. -Well, who is "them" then?

For crying out loud, what is going on here?

We expelled Lizzy for bringing a gun to school, Maurice.

Okay, Lizzy was poor. We didn't know what she was capable of.

Let's be honest. Them's not hurting anyone.

Heather does have the face of an angel.

I guess you're right.

I've never heard of a redhead committing a crime.

But we need to send a message.

And I have just the punishment for zim.

Who is Zim?

What the hell did he do?

What is this?

Westerburg Considered.

Westerburg's balanced and thoughtful news program.

You've never seen it? Our show airs every morning during first period.

Obviously, I've never been here that early.

Heather, I want you

to bring your formidable entertainment skills to the table,

and help these young men turn Westerburg Considered into a hit.

Or get expelled

and run the risk of having to come back here another year.

Why does it smell like SPF-1000?

Oh, hello, Heather.

They're making me do journalism, Heather.

Like the boring kind for ugly people.

Maybe you could talk to them. Say it wasn't a big deal.

But it was a big deal, Heather.

You threatened me.

I don't know how long it's gonna take for me to feel safe again at Westerburg.

Can you not be a total teratoma for once and just help me?

Actually, I don't think I can.

I would for a real friend, but...

you tried to make a play for my throne before my body was even cold.

You were dead.

You left me.

You know, I always knew you'd come crawling back

like the seasonal Halloween store employee you are.

-Okay. -Your ambition again

outstrips your skills, Heather.

Proximity to power is really the most someone like you can ever ask for.

And if I have to take that away so you learn your lesson,

then so be it.

Father, I need your advice.

I know you always taught me to be number one.

And, of course, in most areas of my life, I am.

I'm the richest. I'm the hottest.

I have the alabaster skin of a cursed prince.

But at school, I'm still second fiddle

because of her.

Heather.

Obviously, I know the real reason she won't let me rise up

to my rightful place is because she's deeply jealous of me.

Just like Mom, I guess.

Witch.

You'd think I would be happy she fell down the staircase

just like your first wife did. And... I am.

It's almost as if I psychologically

only feel comfortable when a strong,

overbearing woman with questionably garish style lords over my every whim.

So, I ask you...

Dad...

What should I do about Heather Chandler?

What's that, Dad?

Systematically destroy her and everything she holds dear

by any means necessary, just like you did with Mom?

Thank you, Dad.

Dear Diary, in order to move forward as a couple,

JD has a lot more to learn.

Like how to communicate.

Are you sure you want me to read your diary?

No, I mean,

you should read it.

They're your words.

"I know I made a mistake, Veronica.

And I know I can never actually make it up to you."

But that's why I'm here, JD.

I'm telling you that you can at least try.

"But I don't deserve you, Veronica.

I cheated on you.

You were hopelessly devoted and I threw all of that away

on just one stupid kiss with Betty Finn."

That's true.

But I'm a forgiving person.

So good of you, Veronica.

And, hey...

I'll get there. I will. It's just...

Your crime was so big,

so hurtful,

that I couldn't let you go to jail for attacking Betty.

The punishment just wouldn't fit the crime.

For you to truly atone...

you need me.

As judge, jury...

and executioner.

I'm a good kid.

-No, you're not. -Yes, I am.

I'm a good person.

-You're not. -I am!

-You're not, you're not, you're not! -Shut up.

-You're not, you're not, you're not. -Shut up!

Nurse, help!

She's-- She's trying to kill me.

She did this to me, okay? She put me here.

She wants me in one place

so she can murder me. Please help me.

The new ones always do this. He'll calm down in a few hours.

She's evil! God!

She's going to kill me! God, you have to help me! Please.

No, no!

Somebody help me! No. Stop!

You calm down.

This little blonde girl here is not going to kill anyone.

He'll get better.

Just takes some time.

And the blue bins are for glass and cans as well, or just cans?

You can actually put both in the blue bins, Seth.

Fascinating, Driffany. And that's because non-carbon based plastic--

Westerburg Considered.

No one is watching your little news show.

Recycling, blah, blah.

SAT prep, blah, blah.

Suicide prevention, blah, freaking, blah.

Where are my high-speed chases?

Where are my dead white girls? I mean, none of your news anchors

are even yelling at the viewers with seething hatred?

Well, the intended purpose of Westerburg Considered

is to inform the student body.

Inform? I'm already dead from boredom.

I'm floating above myself. I'm looking down on my body.

My jawline looks great.

The purpose of the media

isn't to inform, Peter.

It's to destroy.

-But shouldn't we-- -Kyle.

Heather Duke is talking.

So here is more of the vibe we'll be going for.

And we're supposed to believe you simply ran away for two years?

That you weren't abducted by a wayward trucker?

That you weren't held against your will

and made to perform indecent sex acts in a taxidermy shed?

That you weren't tossed, gasping for life,

off the balcony of a cruise ship by an illegal immigrant?

I honestly was just in Portland.

Well, it's Stockholm syndrome, baby girl.

Help me, help me, help me, dear viewers,

help this girl find the sick, twisted,

and demented individual who did this to her.

And you're in my prayers and in my unborn's prayers.

Next up, a wealthy suburb in Ohio is rocked by suicide.

Could this be related to the murder of a little girl years ago?

We'll find out, next time on Lexi Anne.

That is news.

Now, everyone knows the best way to ratings gold

is to think of a bundt-cake-looking cow

named Heather Chandler who's wronged you

and use your platform to bring that heifer down.

Westerburg, our days are numbered.

We're killing ourselves left and right.

The ocean is filled with flaming polar bear carcasses

and none of you will ever have jobs.

Hi. Welcome to Hellscape with Heather Duke.

Now let's get to some Hot Takes before we die.

Hot take, human fish bone spinning around

a garbage disposal Betty Finn...

was sent to military school.

Why does she hate our troops?

Not sure. Why don't you ask her?

Next Hot Take,

global warming is a problem

and yet Trailer Parker is spending how much energy rolling around

in her space wheelchair? Not sure.

Next time you see her, ask her why she hates the rainforest.

Spoiler, it's because she's poor.

Blind Item: guess which one of Ohio's biggest influencers

is coming to judge Heather C. in her musical?

Amita, Amita, Amita.

Number one, she was the first person to vacation to Iceland.

Number two, she's never been in a car.

Number three, her favorite color is clear.

Will she hate Heather's performance, thus destroying her at Westerburg?

I'll never tell.

Now it's time for Westerburg Exposed.

Kyle, is it?

Tell me, who do you want to expose?

Peter Dawson.

I'm listening.

He masturbates in the library. Every afternoon.

Right in Biography. Sometimes in Life Sciences.

Sounds like a case of the gooey decimal system to me.

Well, that's all the time we have for today.

Join us tomorrow. Or don't if you're dead.

As we say here on Hellscape:

Everyone is wrong but you.

Dear Diary, I believe in JD.

I believe he can change.

I believe he can be the boyfriend I know he's capable of being.

All he needs is some guidance.

Some instruction.

And I am happy to provide that for him.

My precious Veronica,

I am so incredibly sorry

I didn't go with you to Heather McNamara's funeral.

I owed it to you to be there to support you.

I messed up. I was wrong.

And it will never happen again.

I'll be there in a minute, lemmings.

Ever since I was small

Always followed the herd

No matter where it leads

I was willing to be lured

Mother always said

Do as you're told

Better get in line

Or be left in the cold

What about my books What about my dreams

What about the boy I love Who's much more than he seems

What if we ran away

To a Parisian caf?

There sipping tea

Just him and me

They'd say, oh, Charlotte

There you go again

With your flights of fancy

No, Charlotte

You must join us all

Your dreams They don't matter

So, let's go splatter

Should I play it safe And stay here on my own

It doesn't matter if you're right If you're right and all alone

So, I must leap

But am I a sheep?

No, I'm a lemming

Lemmings have to leap

Lemmings have to die

Time to kiss the sky

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye.

Lemmings. Lemmings, come on. Hey, come on. Go.

Oh, my God. You'll never make it.

Amita, honey.

-Amita! -Amita.

-So, what did you think? -It was intense.

-You really think so? -I've never seen anything like it.

-We died. -We're dead.

That last song. Wow.

Just wow.

Was that when she came out and screamed for three minutes?

I feel like there was a lot of moisture in the room.

It's a very physical performance.

Yeah, it looked like you were trying really hard.

It's amazing how breathlessly proud of your body you were/are.

Well, I think it's really important to set a precedent

for body positivity at all times.

I love how I look.

Well, good luck with that.

You love how you look?

It's funny, at Westerburg, people think you are a queen.

They fear you, they love you,

they want to be you.

But I know the truth.

And I know that it's all an act.

You're a lie, Heather.

You're a joke.

You're a housewife singing karaoke on a Girls' Night.

Strip away all the bells and whistles...

what's left?

Just a fat girl with money.

Sorry. You love your body.

You accept yourself.

So, prove it.

Heather?

I'm so sorry, I don't want to bug you, but I just had to say.

That was wonderful.

I mean, you were wonderful.

I know my opinion probably doesn't mean anything, but...

That last song, I just related to it so much.

I just know you're going to be on Broadway one day.

Grow up, Trailer Parker.

Blind item: what boisterous bitch's Broadway bid went bust?

Spoiler alert, it's Heather Chandler.

Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It was dragged to hell and back

by everyone who matters.

Let's pour some gasoline on this dumpster fire, shall we?

This one's my favorite.

Her star is falling faster than a stack of bricks.

But wait. There's more?

Time for Hot Takes. My Hot Take?

Heather's show wasn't just bad,

it was E-V-I-L evil.

This eagle-eyed reporter spotted some occult imagery in some of the sets.

Art or witchcraft?

I just hope the administration does the right thing

and shuts down the musical.

I don't want Satanism in my school. Do you?

All I know is that Heather Chandler is over.

Dear Diary,

one of the most important parts of a relationship

is getting along with the parents.

Poor thing.

-Look at you! -Hi!

Hi! Aren't you just the world's best girlfriend.

Sitting here all night, keeping JD company.

Bud is just so thankful. Bud!

You know how men are with emotions. Stiff upper lip.

Plus, I don't think he'll ever get over what JD did to that Porsche.

That was expensive.

I like that. That's cute. I wish I could wear that shade.

Bud! Veronica here has been caring for your son all damn night,

I think the least you could do is say hello.

Hello, Veronica.

Aren't we gonna thank her for watching after JD?

Thank you, Veronica.

Men, I swear. Is it really that hard to say thank you?

It's like pulling panties off a pig.

Now, go! Go say hi to your son.

You're an embarrassment. Just like your mother.

Thanks for all your help, Veronica.

I think JD has got a winner in this girl, right here.

-Let's go. -Bye!

JD is so close to being the perfect boyfriend, Diary.

Clearly his father and the idiot he's dating absolutely love me.

But something still doesn't feel quite right.

Well, he has 24 hours to figure it out.

I hope for his sake he does.

-Expelled? -I'm sorry, Heather,

but the recommended punishment for attempted murder is expulsion.

Have fun being home schooled, Heather.

Well, I'm sure that if I just talk to Mrs. Duke

we could come to an understanding. Where is your mother, Heather?

Probably in hell.

Yeah, but your stepmother is on her way, right, Heather?

Is someone eating beef jerky?

Young lady, this is a private meeting.

I don't know what kind of school you're running here, Ms. Fleming,

but it certainly doesn't seem appropriate

to bring in an actual streetwalker

to teach the children about the dangers of the sex working industry.

Streetwalker?

I got this at the good mall.

We really do need to cover up in a learning environment.

Let me tell you a story, lady.

When I first started stripping down at the Grab Bag,

I kept an eye out for the high rollers,

men with visible gold, fresh socks.

Then one day this nerd walks in,

and I gave him the same look you're giving me now.

But then, in the midst of my routine,

when everyone else was tossing out ones and fives...

this guy... held up his phone

and showed me the biggest bank account balance I had ever seen.

That man was your father.

So, ma'am...

when you judge by appearances,

you might just overlook the hero who changes your life.

-I don't understand. -Bitch,

I was coming in here to take your side.

I hate this un-dead Rue McClanahan here.

What? I didn't even do anything.

You dare to cast judgment on me?

My poor unfortunate stepson/daughter

is never gonna feel safe

until Heather is gone from Westerburg.

What if we take Heather's car away?

How much would it take

for you to agree to that?

My dignity is only worth 20 bucks?

Okay.

Well. Looks like we've come to an agreement.

And how am I supposed to get to school?

I peed.

I don't want to do this, JD.

I don't want to hurt you.

But you've left me with no choice.

You have always looked at me as...

an accessory. An accomplice.

But is that really what you want in a girlfriend?

Just your dutiful first lady?

Seen, but not heard?

Other guys like that bullshit, but...

I was so sure

that you weren't like other guys.

And yet...

I don't even know

that you respect me.

Because if you did,

why would you lie about Betty, JD?

Why would you lie to an equal?

Why?

Answer me!

I said, answer me!

-Why would you throw that vase, JD? -What?

You just threw that vase. You...

You went crazy. I'm really scared, JD.

You're right.

I messed up.

I lied because I'm weak, and I don't deserve you.

But I'll never do it again,

because, Veronica,

I love you so deeply and completely.

You're lying to me.

I'm not, my darling.

Shut up.

But why, Veronica?

I love you.

You still don't get it.

You're not even close.

I hope you like this little room...

because you're never seeing the outside of it.

You love me.

You think I'm amazing.

You want to be me?

Okay.

Known as the fastest predator on the savannah,

the cheetah corners its quarry.

-Run, you dumb baby bunny. -Run, you dumb baby bunny.

The cheetahs work together to corner the prey

and take it down.

I ran into Betty's mom at the grocery store today.

She said they sent Betty away. To military school.

Betty? Why? She always seemed like such a good kid.

She didn't say why.

Maybe she's been acting out lately.

Do you think it's because of...

-Where is she? -In her room. Because of what happened.

Anne, we only have a year 'till she's out of the house.

I don't want to rock the boat.

-But, Kevin, we need to talk-- -No, just drop it.

We have our safety to think about, too.

Dear Diary, well, there you have it.

I have the perfect boyfriend

with all the perfect things,

like flowers and dinners and listening.

And I hate it.

I hate it because it's a lie.

And the one thing I thought I had with JD was the truth.

Pure, honest, nothing-held-back truth.

But that was a lie too.

So now, I have no choice

but to do this.

Three days are up. You're free to go.

No.

Veronica.

I loved you.

Of course, I was coming here to kill you,

but that was only because I loved you.

Suicide was for them, not for us. Not--

Not for you.

There's never gonna be another girl like you.

You were the only girl like you,

and you're right. I didn't see that.

I didn't see the girl that you were, but that girl,

she was even more amazing than I could have ever imagined.

I mean, she was even more sick and twisted than I could ever hope to be.

You blew up my car.

You had me committed.

And I loved that.

I loved you, Veronica Sawyer.

And I'm never going to love anybody again.

Oh, damn!

Don't do anything you're going to regret.

The only thing that I want to do...

is kiss you.

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