Original subtitles

And right in front of her son.

I heard that there was blood all over her new drapes.

What a shame.

Those drapes must have cost her a fortune.

P�t�?

How do you get blood out of drapes?

I think it's hairspray. No, wait, I think that's ink.

Don't knock me out again, Veronica.

Oh, this one is so sad.

"I'll never forget how kind Heather was", from...

Briana Parker.

Trailer Parker.

Heather made fun of her every day for being totally Hamburger Helpless.

Wait.

"My thoughts and prayers are with Heather Chandler's family",

from Ram?

"Sending messages of love". Jesus Julie. God.

This is what we get for trying to save Westerburg?

We should have known. People are so predictable.

It's like, celebrity of the week dies. Let me post about

how truly devastated I am about the tragic loss of Robin Williams.

Flubber was a very formative film for me.

Up next on the American carousel of tragedy,

another poor black kid gets shot.

Let me insert myself into this incredibly complex racial issue.

Not because I actually give a shit,

but just so I can help define who I am.

And now, Westerburg's very own Heather Chandler dies.

God, I hope I can find a pic of us together

so I can rack up on some sympathy likes.

People will find any way

to make someone else's tragedy just another plot twist

in their very own grief opera.

Well, maybe we're just being too harsh.

Maybe some of them actually cared about Heather.

Regardless, Heather got what she deserved.

JD, you might not have seen it, but Heather was my friend.

You hated her.

I hate all my friends. That doesn't mean I want them dead.

-So why did you do it, then? -I didn't do anything, JD.

And you know it.

You're right, I'm sorry.

We did something.

We killed Heather, Veronica.

Together.

Oh, my God! Heather.

I just... I just... I just saw her!

Heather's dead.

No. I just... I saw her.

Babe, I think you're just a little stressed out.

We both saw Heather die with our own eyes.

Maybe you should go home and get some rest.

Yeah?

No. I'm fine, I'm just...

Just stressed out.

Veronica. Hey.

I care about you.

Go home and get a good night's sleep.

Okay. I mean... You're right.

Shit.

Veronica.

Hello, Veronica.

JD.

Heather's alive!

It's true.

Last night I attempted suicide.

I know, it's clich�, but...

we all end up in a dark place sometimes, and...

I just needed to be with my best friend.

Veronica.

No, JD. Isn't that great?

Heather's alive. It's like...

It's like nothing ever happened.

Do you want to know really what happened?

I found these old pills.

Poison pills, like from a fairytale or something.

I can't for the life of me remember who gave them to me, but...

there they were in my hour of suicidal desperation.

So, I dropped one into a bag of Corn Nuts, and then...

Smash.

Landed face-first in my beautiful,

all glass coffee table.

But then a miracle happened.

The poison pill didn't break.

When I finally came to, I threw up and there it was,

completely intact.

And then when I read all the media reports,

literally millions of people all over the world

moved by my journey...

I realized that this happened to me for a reason.

So that I, Heather Chandler,

could be the new face of suicide.

And you two are going to help me with that.

Whenever I want.

I miss Heather.

The last thing she told me was that I couldn't pull off leggings.

She was right.

Oh, God. I just thought of something.

Oh, Heather, I doubt it.

Anyways, what were Heather Chandler's last words to you, Veronica?

-Veronica. -Hey, Betty.

-See, he is in the girls' bathroom. -It's Heather.

Does it say Heather on your birth certificate?

Does it say "aborted queef weasel" on yours?

Guys, come on, it's just Heather.

Maybe I can help.

Heather, I'm sure you understand

what it's like out there for women in this day and age.

We need safe spaces, and...

the girls just don't feel safe with men around.

I don't feel safe with these twisty fingered clit witches around.

-Come on, Heather. -Actually, I think I'm going to stay.

Heather, let's step into your office.

Are you really choosing these discount hobgoblins over me?

Maybe they'll actually treat me with respect.

I gave you three of my old Swatches.

Sorry, Heath... er.

The winds of friendship have changed.

Nothing personal.

Have fun with your new friends, Heather.

What a trash porch.

Come on, Veronica, let's get lunch?

I just... I told JD I'd meet up with him.

You too, Veronica.

Feed the Washington Indians.

This are their sacred mounds.

Take a tomahawk to their babies,

and burn their teepees to the ground.

So, you kill one weed,

and an even bigger weed pops back up in its place.

So, we were actually better off with Heather in charge, JD.

Heather's a monster, Veronica.

Yeah, but at least she is a monster about the right things.

We're better off without any monsters at all.

Hey, Betty.

Heather.

Can I sit with you guys?

You heard I'm not a lesbian anymore, right?

Heather, I would never care about something like that.

I accept everyone at Westerburg.

Except if they sleep with teachers.

Actually, Heather, now that I think about it,

you're underage and slept with a teacher,

which means you basically enabled a pedophile.

Yeah, you come sit here.

I'm sorry, Heather.

The slut table is over there.

Can you believe that she thought she could sit here?

Sorry, Heather.

There's already a dirty old bag in that seat.

You made your choice.

Maybe Trailer Parker will let you sit by her.

Heather McNamara and Mr. Waters to the office.

Heather McNamara and Mr. Waters to the office, please.

So, this Heather McNamara here is a student?

Yes, 17-year-old student.

-Well, she looks like a grown woman. -Thank you.

Heather, please. Let me handle this, okay?

She's not a grown woman, she is a child.

A child who's obviously been taken advantage of by David.

This girl slept with David?

Why?

I don't know if it's that unbelievable.

-So, you admit it. -I'm not saying anything happened.

-Rude! -Heather.

But if something did happen,

Heather would have been the one taking advantage of me.

Actually, I could explain everything.

Heather, we can't get to the bottom of what happened

if you keep trying to speak.

Now. You know...

-Oh, my God. -Here we go.

Isn't this just how the patriarchy works?

As someone who's been on the receiving end

of the lecherous male gaze,

-many times in my life... -Oh, honey.

I have to say it is really rich to hear you blame the victim, David.

It's called victim-shaming and it is textbook misogyny.

Actually, you're the misogynist, Pauline.

How am I the misogynist? I would love to hear this one.

To claim that Heather isn't capable of fabricating

that she had a relationship with a man just because she's a girl?

That sounds anti-woman to me.

-It does sound anti-woman, Pauline. -You're an anti-woman.

Principal Gowan, he can obfuscate with his lies all he wants,

but the proof is right there in that giant, blown-up photograph.

-That could be anyone. -For crying out loud.

Photoshop. Anyone can use Photoshop these days.

I don't think I would know how to use Photoshop.

David's right. The kids these days are eating those drugs

and running that Photoshop high as a kite.

Why are you even here, Maurice?

Well, Pauline, if you must know, I'm just here for the drama.

And to be honest, you straight people have once again

disappointed me in that arena.

So now it's okay to openly mock straight people.

Honestly, how about be more interesting.

We have to stay focused on the topic.

Who are you right now? I know who I am.

All right, quiet.

Oh, my God, rich.

David is right.

With all the Photoshops and drug eating going on,

this could be of anyone.

Thank you, Principal Gowan.

Watch your step, Waters.

One more girl comes forward and you're out.

"Dear Diary...

If I'm a good person who just did a bad thing,

but turns out I failed at that bad thing,

then I'm still a good person, right?

God, Veronica. Can you please get off the spectrum for once

and help me pass these out?

What are those, Heather?

I'm throwing a Heather Chandler mourning party tonight at my house.

Maybe we could just give all this mourning a rest for a second?

It's all becoming so Mary Todd Lincoln.

Veronica... our best friend is dead.

I think she'd want us to make sure that everyone at Westerburg

is appropriately devastated.

And if her mourning party has the additional benefit

of putting me back on top, then so be it.

Come on.

Mourning party at my house tonight.

Make sure you've done all you can do to mourn Heather.

She's watching.

Heather C. mourning party.

Nerds, this is your one chance to finally attend a party

your mom doesn't cater.

Are you going?

You kidding me, with these thunder thighs?

I swear, if I don't get a thigh gap before prom

I'm going to kill myself.

Everyone's talking about Heather Duke's mourning party.

I can't believe we got invited.

Heather Chandler killing herself is the best thing that's ever happened to us.

Be the bigger person. Invite Heather, Heather.

Fine.

You can come, Heather.

But you can't eat anything and bring a trash bag to sit on.

Look at them.

My loyal subjects.

Can you believe Betty Finn thought Westerburg would choose

Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child

over Michelle Williams from Heath Ledger's death?

No.

Westerburg wants glamour.

Westerburg wants aspiration.

Westerburg wants majesty.

Westerburg wants me.

And tonight, I'm going to let them eat cake.

Isn't it just?

That deep-fried lobster baby.

-You did this to me. -Mr. Waters, I'm sorry.

You got me fired, Heather.

But the principal said you couldn't get fired unless there were other girls.

Oh, my God.

You cheated on me?

-With ugly girls? -Goodbye, Heather.

Am I to understand that your type is mud ducks?

Heather, it's over.

Okay? You've ruined my life.

I have no job. I have to register as a sex offender.

I'm probably going to have to sell my Tercel.

Driffany Tompkins?

She looks like if Jim Henson got in one last puppet before he died.

Stop being so shallow and think about how your words are hurting me.

I'm sorry, I just...

I just think I actually had feelings for you.

And those feelings got you in trouble.

Look, you've already ruined me. The damage is done.

I just hope the next time you have feelings,

you take it out on yourself instead of an innocent bystander.

He used the same lines on me.

Well, I got everything you asked for.

Corn Nuts, hemorrhoid cream,

adult diapers and extra-small condoms.

I can't believe you actually fell for that.

God, Veronica, you're such a Jacuzzi turd.

Just throw all that in the trash along with that horrible belt you're wearing.

So...

Did you bring me what I really wanted?

See?

People were devastated. Happy?

Crying, good. Crying, good.

Her crying looks forced.

I wish they had sprung for better flowers, like...

Hold on.

Is Shelby Dunstock... texting

during my grieving period?

And is Dylen Lutz wearing white on the day after my death?

Heather, that's just one pic.

I promise, people were really devastated.

How devastated?

Oh, my God, do we really have to do this?

Veronica, I've got big plans for my return to Westerburg.

I'm going to help these sad,

unfortunate roller backpacks, okay?

But in order to do that, I need to feel appreciated.

I need to feel that my struggles were worth it.

So yes, we need to do this.

Actually, you'll be doing most of the work.

Considering our deal.

Heather?

-Your mother and I are concerned. -Very concerned.

-We'd like to talk. -We'd like to ask you some questions.

-In light of Heather's suicide... -Her death.

Are you feeling suicidal?

-Thoughts of suicide? -Suicidal thoughts?

-No. -You sure?

You must have at least thought about it.

-Once or twice? -No, not really.

Because having a close friend commit suicide,

that's one of the triggers that can lead to further suicides.

-As is ending a relationship. -With an older man.

Not to mention losing your friends.

Heather Duke left you a note today.

It says, "Die, you rusted bitch".

What did you do to Heather to make him or her write such a thing?

-Because... -Heather.

Let your mother finish.

Heather, all I'm saying,

is that your father and I are very concerned.

If anyone has a reason to kill themselves, it's you.

Your best friend just died.

Your remaining friends have turned on you,

the teacher you were sleeping with was fired,

and everyone knows that...

you lied about being a lesbian.

Heather, when you look at the whole picture...

The picture as a whole.

It's almost like you have nothing to live for.

Nothing at all.

So, we just wanted to come in here,

and say we see you.

We see you.

We see you.

So, we see you.

Okay.

-Nicely done. I think she felt seen. -Yeah, I looked right at her.

-I noticed that too. Good eye contact. -Thank you.

Jade...

Can you please not smoke your whore cigarettes in the house?

I have company coming.

Doesn't look like anyone's coming to your little party to me, Heather.

People are coming.

They're just what's called fashionably late.

"Fashionably" is a word you know nothing about.

And "late" is a word you know all too well.

Shame none of those handsome boys from the football team came.

I was gonna let you all drink.

You don't let me do anything. You're not my mother.

And furthermore, as soon as Dad wakes up,

I'm going to tell him that you've been back at Rendevous every night,

and then he'll divorce you and I'll get everything.

Heather, I see what this is.

You're acting out because your fat friend killed herself.

So, as your stepmother,

I would like to give you a piece of advice

that has served me well in my life.

Fuck it all and get that money.

But not this money.

Because I already got that.

Company's here.

Feeling so engorged right now.

Westerburg.

No quarter drinks on the rink. Now let's roll!

Veronica.

So glad you made it.

Pretzel?

I know how hard Heather's death has been on you.

It's quite the turn-out, Betty.

I just want to give the people space to heal.

Such a shocking turn in popularity, Betty.

You must be really proud.

It's not about me.

Westerburg was already crying out for change,

and I just happened to be the one to give it to them.

Well, lucky us.

I know you were a Heather, but you and I also go way back,

so I wanted to offer you a seat at the new table.

Thanks, Betty.

I'm just going to give obscurity a try for a little while though.

Suit yourself.

Another chapter in the on-going mystery

of why does Veronica Sawyer hang out with her?

Betty's not so bad.

She's just always been kind of a nerd.

Just let her have her moment in the sun.

Her moment in the sun is giving everyone skin cancer.

Plus, we have history.

Do I get to peel off another layer of the onion that is Veronica Sawyer?

No.

You know you can tell me anything, right?

There is absolutely nothing in that deep, dark journal

you keep locked away from everyone else that would make me think

every planet and the sun doesn't revolve around Veronica Sawyer.

Okay. But let's skate.

It was springtime and I remember that our moms looked so pretty.

Just sitting there, talking.

Drinking lemonade.

Everything seemed so perfect.

And then I knocked Betty's croquet ball into the woods.

I guess I hit it pretty far because it felt like we were running forever.

And just before we got to the creek,

we saw her.

It was our best friend, Lucy.

That was a big scandal at the time.

Everybody in the state was looking for the Croquet Killer for months.

Then some girl fell down a well in Winesburg or something, and...

everybody moved on.

So, the killer's still out there?

All right, Westerburg!

Give it up for your girl, Betty Finn!

Westerburg... who misses Heather Chandler?

I can't hear you!

That's better.

If Heather Chandler were here today,

she would be so floored by the outpouring of support

from everyone at Westerburg.

So, let's give ourselves a round of applause,

because we have truly mourned her so hard!

Feed the Washington Indians.

This are their sacred mounds.

Take a tomahawk to their babies...

Okay, quiet down.

Now, I think we all know what Heather would want most.

For us to move on.

Because her time is over, and our time has just begun.

Westerburg, I have a very special announcement to make.

I have spoken to Principal Gowan,

and he has agreed to let me pick this year's

Westerburg High School prom theme.

Ladies and gentlemen... Okay, like that...

Back to Basics!

Yeah!

Because after all that's happened,

we need to get back to what makes Westerburg...

Thank you, Betty.

-But... -Your services are no longer needed.

Thank you.

Just go ahead and take this with you.

Hello, Westerburg.

I'm sure you probably have a lot of questions.

Yes. It's me.

Yes. I'm alive.

And yes... I forgive you.

Which is why I want to offer myself up to you

as a beacon of hope.

To guide you to what I now know is true.

Life isn't about being popular.

It's about helping people who are less fortunate than you, like you all.

Which is why I plan to become...

the new face of suicide.

Whenever someone at Westerburg is in pain,

I'll be there.

Whenever someone is being bullied, I'll be there.

And whenever someone just needs a shoulder to cry on,

I will be there.

She's alive, yo. Let's get back in the mix.

And we're moving.

I'm so glad you came back to life, Heather.

Honestly, I was in a really dark place without you,

but now that you're back, everything's going to be okay.

Is it, Heather?

Heather told me you tried to sit at Betty's table when I was gone.

-But, I... -You're a traitor, Heather.

And worse, you lied about being a lesbian.

You know that's a hate crime, right, Heather?

Monday morning, don't drive your car to school.

Don't call a cab.

Don't ride a bike.

Take the bus.

Because that's what you are now, Heather.

Bus trash.

Not paper, not plastic.

Just worthless, discarded bus trash.

Have fun on the bus, Heather.

You always did think yellow was your color.

Hey, y'all...

if any of you kids out there feel alone...

feel like no one in this big, bad world is listening to you...

and you're feeling down...

don't take your life.

Just hold on.

For one more day.

It's not going to be...

Someone help me.

I think...

I made a... mistake.

God, Heather. Can't you see that Betty's in pain?

Would you look at that?

I never thought I'd see the day.

Heather's home before curfew.

It is a miracle from heaven.

Honest to God miracle.

I think you were right, honey.

-Think I was. -I think we finally got through to her.

Finally did.

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